


Heavy Lies the Crown

by nursehelena



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Courtroom Drama, Cross-cultural, Don't Have to Know Canon, HIV/AIDS, LGBTQ Themes, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Murder, Open Relationship, Past Sexual Abuse, Polyamory, Road Trips, Sexual Dysfunction, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 00:05:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 121
Words: 312,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2487212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nursehelena/pseuds/nursehelena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're calling it the trial of the millennium: Skwisgaar's arrested in Sweden for murdering his mother. Toki offers the court his account of a lawless road trip he and the lead guitarist embarked upon beforehand, after which he's spent the last six months in Norway attempting to put himself back together. Meanwhile, the gears in the Dethklok machine are beginning to rust from the inside out.</p><p>(Illustrated; see story notes.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Once Upon a Time in America

**Author's Note:**

> Some scenes are illustrated by Angie, whom you can find here: [heavymetalzenmaster (tumblr)](http://heavymetalzenmaster.tumblr.com) and Fed: [plupluru (tumblr)](http://plupluru.tumbr.com). I'll mark in the chapter notes which ones contain artwork. 
> 
> They'll also be added in as they're done, so for the sake of organization, I have them all collected here, for convenient viewing: [My Tumblr blog's art tag for HLTC.](http://nursehelena.tumblr.com/tagged/art-for-HLTC)  
> 

_"A villain is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told."_

\- Chris Colfer

 

* * *

 

Stockholm's weather since Toki's arrival late the week prior hadn't varied much. Snowflakes fluttered past the limousine window, fragmented ghosts lost to pre-dawn darkness. The atmosphere weighed heavily, making for the most oppressive winter he ever experienced in Scandinavia. It zapped his energy just as much as all this sitting around and waiting.

After the seven and a half months it took for Skwisgaar's case to reach court, one more week or two of irresolution shouldn't torture Toki so deeply. No one besides Charles could visit Skwisgaar during his remand in Kronobergshäktet, so at least it rendered physical space between them moot. Unfortunately, that meant coming to Stockholm did nothing to alleviate the sense that Skwisgaar merely fell off the face of the planet. Hard to believe, that they occupied the same city these days.

The limousine's only other occupant cleared his throat. “You ah, feel ready?”

“Ready as I'll evers be, I guess.”

“You're going to do fine. Just remember to take your time. It'll only be me, you, the prosecution, and the judges.”

Toki heard that at least a million times since this entire nightmare began. He appreciated the repetition, as his attention span tended to flit about. When last could he actually concentrate on _anything?_ At least, when the judge delivered Skwisgaar's sentence, Toki could pick up the pieces and move on. Even if Skwisgaar was destined to stay here for the next twenty years or so, some vestige of certainty would offer closure.

Stockholms Rådhus came into view ahead. As expected, their vehicle slowed. All throughout the private trial, Dethklok fans and the media alike clogged the streets. Signs held aloft by supporters boasted similar messages: _'Free Skwisgaar'_ , _'The World Needs You'_ , and _'Sweden's Favourite Son'_.

“Ignore all the reporters,” Charles reminded Toki. The door opened and before Toki could even poke his head out in order to follow, the cacophony of questions and clicking cameras bombarded him. A hand tightened around Toki's upper arm. External awareness slipping again, he merely watched his feet avoid tripping up the stairs. Klokateer escorts grunted against the strain of pressing bodies, and spoke warnings to those more determined to gain proximity. For all his anxiety to get to Sweden, to so much as lay eyes on his bandmate, Toki now urged to return to his hotel room and hide away with a bottle of something hard. If only he could go back to his mother's house, or get dropped off in the middle of nowhere, where he could hide until he either died or everyone forgot his name.

Things calmed down after they signed in and surrendered their personal possessions. Outside the courtroom, Charles placed a hand on Toki's shoulder. Even more than the face looking Toki back that morning in the mirror, this man appeared _exhausted_. “I'll see you on the floor. Good luck.”

Toki searched for an orange jumpsuit as they entered, though came up short. He perched with his hands folded nicely in his lap where instructed, then waited for a broad man in black robes to take a seat front and centre amongst his fellows. The large doors behind him shut them off from the murmuring hallways.

Nausea pressed Toki's tongue to the roof of his mouth. He'd been prepped, and had rehearsed both alone and with Charles how best to relay his story. Even though Sweden couldn't touch Toki for the crimes he himself committed in America and Mexico, that failed to suppress sudden illness. His heart rate flew into overdrive when a block of bright colour off to the left appeared in the court's second entrance.

Besides the jumpsuit and new glasses, Skwisgaar barely changed since their paths forked. The ends of his hair still looked damaged, from the bleach job Serveta did to strip the dark brown dye Skwisgaar used to obscure his identity during their weeks on the run. Distance made it difficult to tell, but he appeared thinner than usual. If not for the frames obscuring his eyes, Toki might've seen bags to mirror everyone else's stress. The smallest upward twitch of his lips' corners denoted relief to see Toki; his smile failed to spread beyond his mouth though, as the bailiff led him by the cuffs to the defence table. Skwisgaar rubbed his wrists briefly when they were removed, and looked back again.

Before the second meeting of their gazes could potentially mean anything, His Honour Meshuggah cleared his throat. The translator seated nearby readied herself as well for a surprisingly high and reedy voice. “Good morning. As of now, we will commence the case of Sweden vs. Skwigelf. Today we will hear testimony from Toki Wartooth, who spent two months with the defendant prior to the murder of Serveta Skwigelf. Wartooth, if you would come forward, please.”

Toki's tie suddenly felt too tight, his suit too hot; he couldn't focus on the bailiff showing him to the witness stand. His gaze stuck to his hands, growing pale as they clutched each other. When his breathing evened back out and he felt able, he looked up. Charles stood behind a podium nearby. Fighting the tightness of his face, Charles offered as comforting a smile as possible.

“As the court is aware, Toki, you and I are going to go through the events beginning on April tenth of last year. Do you remember that evening?”

Toki nodded.

“And what exactly happened?”

“We—we all dranks in the hot tub and watched TV. It wasn'ts anything special.”

“What happened next?”

Toki fiddled his thumbs, watching them overlap each other as he gathered his wits. As often as he went over this in his head, that didn't replace emotion with mechanical demeanour. More than anyone else, he sensed Skwisgaar's gaze drilling into him. “I thinks we all ended up drunk. It isn'ts a weird thing, at Mordhaus. We gets palling around, the klokateers keep givings us beer, the TV is on, and then it happens. I's not sure who left the hot tubs first. I was last, except for Pickle. Nathans, Moidaface, and Skwisgaar all wents to bed.”

“Or so you assumed, in regards to Skwisgaar?”

“No, I was rights. He took a lady.”

“Is the fact that he took a lady to bed relevant?”

“Ja, is what starteds it all.” Toki paused. “I wents to bed drunk, and I was pretties much sober when he wokes me up, so I wants to say that it was a whiles later but it was still darks outside. . .”

Skwisgaar hadn't bothered to turn on the light in Toki's bedroom when he shook his shoulder, although it filtered in from the corridor. As result, Skwisgaar formed a thin silhouette with a shadowed face. “Hey Toki. Wakes up, ja?”

“Hrrmmm. . .” Toki rolled toward the wall, instead. “Is still night. Goes to bed.”

“I can'ts. I needs your help.”

“Doings what?”

“Just come.”

“Can'ts it wait?”

Skwisgaar continued to badger and poke, eventually forcing Toki to stumble into a pair of jeans. If Toki didn't rub his eyes so profusely, he might've noticed Skwisgaar's strange behaviour right off the bat. Skwisgaar walked stiffly ahead of him, arms tightly crossed, and led Toki back to his room. When they entered the sparsely decorated quarters, Toki studied the heavy form supine on Skwisgaar's bed.

“Oh. . .” Toki cupped his chin. “What happeneds?”

“She wanteds me to chokes her. It, uh. . .maybes went a bit too far?”

“Ja, maybes.” Still not fully awake, Toki couldn't completely comprehend what he looked at. Of course he'd seen tons of naked women, as well as many a dead body, but never like this. Skwisgaar accidentally choked someone to death? It refused to grasp his mind. At least for that, one of them remained calm. Now that Toki woke up more, he registered Skwisgaar's red-brimmed eyes and shallow breaths, as well as that he worked his bottom lip relentlessly. “I don'ts understand what you wants me to do, though.”

“I gots to get rid of her.”

“Why nots ask a klokateer?”

“I don'ts want Charles to know, and dey woulds tell him.”

“He'll erase her and just gives you a talkings to about being more careful, next time.”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “Just helps me. Cans you carry her?”

The courtroom filled with an entirely different breed of silence as Toki rested. Despite Charles' reassurances that jurisdiction kept him safe from arrest, Toki hated to paint himself as an accessory. He lost sleep every night over what he could've done about the situation, instead. First and foremost: call Charles, regardless of what Skwisgaar wanted. They shouldn't have lugged a corpse down the hallway, dodging into nooks and crannies whenever a klokateer on night-shift neared. None of it made sense. Toki could speak from experience that Charles expunged all the marks they left on legality—he himself escaped prosecution in Los Angeles after beating a man to death at Sobertown. How did choking the life from some unfortunate woman in the throes of passion equate or bypass?

“What did she look like?”

“She was older. Blondes hair, blue eyes, in fairlies good shape. Kinds of big-boned, and heavy for that.”

“Did you ever notice, in all the years you lived with Skwisgaar, that he tended to gravitate toward certain aspects in his sexual partners?”

“No.”

“Can you elaborate?”

“He likes all kinds of womens, regardless of colour, size, or age. I've seens him with men too, and I've even seens him fu—uh, have sex with inanimate objects if he was too high to tells the difference.” Toki suppressed a nostalgic smile when remembering the time Pickles slipped Skwisgaar some MDMA.

“Let's come back around, then, to this blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman you helped the defendant dump when her life ended. Did it ever strike you as strange that Skwisgaar enjoyed the company of older woman?”

“Ja. We used to tease hims about it all the time.”

“Did you notice, on April tenth of last year—or have we crossed into the eleventh, now?—that the victim resembled your bandmate's mother?”

Toki shook his head. “I wasn'ts really thinking about that. Skwisgaar had so many different ladies, and I was kinds of too busy to notice when this all happen.”

“How about in retrospect? Do you see the similarity now?”

“Ja. But I didn'ts think it had anything to do with types. Skwisgaar just accidentallys choked a lady too far while having sex, and wasn'ts thinking straight about how to handles it. He freaked out, likes anyone would.”

“Would you elaborate on his signs of distress?”

Skwisgaar was no help in the chore; Toki carried the woman himself down to the garage, laid her in the trunk of a car, and got behind the wheel. Neither of them spoke through sign-out beyond what was necessary, and both breathed easier once they hit the road. Deliberation led them down to the bay below, and a grunt of effort landed the solid mass amongst the rocks. Even though death rendered pain a lost sensation, Toki cringed when the woman's head harshly bounced. He wet his boots by pushing her further out, while Skwisgaar sat against the vehicle's front passenger tire.

“Skwis.” Toki attempted to get his attention when rejoining his side. He tapped Skwisgaar's leg with his toe. “ _Skwisgaar_.”

“Hm?” Big blue eyes peered upward.

“You okay?”

Skwisgaar sighed. “Just kinds of sucks, you know? I likeds her. Knew her a longs time.”

“Dids you ever choke her before?”

“She likeds it. Likeds to black out. Amn'ts really my t'ing, but. . .” Skwisgaar shrugged next. “I don'ts know. I's not shore how to feels, right now.”

“You wants to head home? Goes to bed?”

“Eh, nots really. Woulds you want to sleep where someone just die?”

“Whats you wanna do, instead?”

In the courtroom, Charles cleared his throat. “How would you describe Skwisgaar's reaction to the entire incident?”

“Shock,” came first to Toki's mind. “He didn't really seems to understand what happen, and he was useless to does anything. I hads to help him backs into the car, and he stoppeds talking except for one-word answers for a bits after that.”

“So the two of you returned to Mordhaus after dumping the body?”

“No.”

“Where did you go?”

Toki's gaze shifted again toward Skwisgaar, who leaned back in his chair with crossed arms. “We wents into Mordland, instead. Wents for milkshakes.” 


	2. Born to Run

Milkshakes weren't the initial goal; simply in need of indefinite destination, Toki and Skwisgaar drove about the city. Waning adrenaline resulted in fatigue and a drop in blood sugar. Craving a pick-up and needing to fill the tank anyway, Toki pulled the car into a gas station. Skwisgaar disappeared inside, and the rhythmic beat of packing tobacco marked his return.

Toki indicated the silver package of Marlboros. “Since when does you smoke?”

“I ams too fucking anxious and I didn'ts t'ink to brings my guitar.” With one of them dangling from his lips, Skwisgaar pat his pockets. “Fuck, I don'ts got a lighter.”

“Just runs back in.” A frenzied mind left Skwisgaar with little ability to reach such a simple conclusion. Toki leaned against the hood as he waited, then watched the older man clumsily light up. “You readies to go home yet?”

Skwisgaar shook his head upon exhale. Wind whisked the smoke away. “Can'ts we stay out longer?”

“I gots to get something to eat, then.”

“I can'ts even t'ink about dat.”

“Just come and sits with me.” Toki pointed at a diner across the street. “It won'ts take long.”

Unsure about the garbage can menu, Toki settled on a milkshake. Just in case Skwisgaar changed his mind, he sprung for a strawberry alongside his chocolate. Skwisgaar took it forlornly, nose wrinkling as they slid into opposite sides of a creaky booth.

Initially Skwisgaar's drink sat untouched, but as it melted he took some tentative sips. “I guess it isn'ts really _dat_ big a deal, ja?”

“Nots for us. If you was a regulars jack-off, then I could see why you woulds freak out. Don't sweat it.” Toki paused. “I sorries you lost someone you likeds, though.”

Skwisgaar slowly nodded, falling quiet again. As Toki neared the bottom of his cup and watched the minimal nightlife through the window, a scoff drew attention back to the other man. “What so funny?”

“I just can'ts believe dis. Oogh, it's like a bad nightscare or somet'ing.” Skwisgaar rubbed his forehead. “Do you gets what happen? I chokeds her, and I didn'ts even realize she die until after. I shots off into a corpse. How fuckeds up ams dat?”

“A bits, I guess.”

“De really fuckeds up t'ing is dat she felts better dan ever before. Tighters, you know? Maybes dat t'ing where bodies get all hard starteds to set in alreadies.”

“Rigour mortis? I don'ts know, Skwis. Maybes is in your head. I don'ts think that happen, that quicklies.” Given the ridiculousness of it, Toki chuckled too. “Guess you cans add that to your list of things what you fuck, though maybes we should keeps it to ourselves.”

So much for that. The courtroom's occupants shifted in collective disgust. The only people seemingly unfazed by that portion of the story besides Toki were Charles and Skwisgaar himself. “So the defendant had sex with the woman's corpse?”

“Unintentionallys.”

“And he found it funny?”

“We both did. What else coulds we do, but laugh? It was a weird night, we were tireds, and he needed to lightens up anyway.”

“Did the defendant display any guilt regarding his behaviour?”

After growing restless again in Mordland, Toki and Skwisgaar took their shakes on the road. The sun's glow edged at the eastern horizon, in the rearview mirror. “Well? You feels okay enough to heads back?”

“Just keeps driving,” Skwisgaar requested. “What ams your rush, anyway?”

“Nots all of us killed somebodies tonight, and would likes to get some sleep eventually.”

“Well. . .t'inks about it from my eye, ja? Evens if I tired, I don'ts really feels like beings in my bed.”

“Gets a new one.”

“Is still the same room.”

“Moves into somewhere different.”

Skwisgaar crossed his arms. “You amn'ts very helpful.”

“I's tired. I can'ts think all that good like this, and I don'ts really got no sympathy for nobodies.”

“How abouts dis, den: we switch spots for a bits. You can get some sleeps, and I'll does what I gots to do.”

Yawning, Toki could endorse that compromise. “Ja, sure.”

Charles sipped the glass of water on his podium. “This would be about the time you and Skwisgaar disappeared, correct?”

Toki nodded.

“Did the defendant force you, or did you go willingly?”

“I was mads about it, when I first woke up. But I gots over that.”

“How far removed from Mordhaus were you, when you realized Skwisgaar had no intention of returning home?”

Angry didn't even _begin_ to explain Toki's disposition when he awoke in a different state, next to an evasive Skwisgaar. Icing the cake, Skwisgaar had stowed Toki's cell phone in the driver's door slot to prevent him from calling Charles. Toki scoffed when, peering back at the large blue sign they passed, he discovered they'd travelled far enough to pass through Connecticut. “You's the worst person ever. As soon as you stops this car to gets gas or whatever, I's gone. Fucks you and your shitties ideas.”

“Why ams you so rushed to gets home? Just has fun wit' me.”

“Doings what? Where's we evens going?”

“I don'ts know. Ands dat am de fun of it.”

“You's unbelievables.”

“When ams de last time you wents on a road trip, ah?” Skwisgaar posed. “Lives a little, Mr. Dooms and Glooms.”

“What's that gots to do with not telling Charles? Don'ts you think he woulds like to know where we are?”

“ _Pff_ , fucks him. We ams grown up, we don'ts need pormission to does anyt'ing. Beside, you know what he ams going to say when we calls: gets your asses back home. Don'ts you ever get tireds of being tolds what to do?”

Skwisgaar had Toki there; the last handful of times Dethklok bussed into Mordland to party, Charles either made a huge stink or rode along in order to play role as wet blanket. Growing more amiable with the older guitarist at the prospect of such easy rebellion, Toki conceded with a shrug. On top of that, for how annoying or downright mean Skwisgaar could sometimes be, Toki sincerely enjoyed his company. The last time they palled around on their lonesome outside their grandiose home couldn't be accurately pinpointed. Once Toki relinquished any sense of responsibility, excitement replaced it. “You know wheres I never been?”

“Where?”

“Vegas.”

“Toki!” Skwisgaar's voice hoarsened with scandal. “You nevers been to Las Vegas? Well, we ams going to fix dat rights now!”

“Oh! Ors Chicagos! I nevers been to Chicagos!” Toki's eyes scanned about the car's interior. “Or Portlands!”

“Dat cinch it, we ams going to all dem places. You t'inks of anot'er one you wants to go to, we adds it on. Evens if it take us a couple week, we ams going to sees _all_ of dem.”

“I gots an idea: why don'ts we go to the Pacific and back?” More than likely, they wouldn't even see the expansive body of water before driving each other crazy. It was nice to dream, though. “What's you say?”

“Let's fuckin's do it,” Skwisgaar stated with a firm nod of approval. “We cans torn around afters Portland and heads back down through Las Vegas, maybes de South.”

Toki giggled. “We woulds get in _so much trouble_ , if Charles know what we doings!”

“So, you and Skwisgaar's reactions to murder was to go on a road trip?” Charles interrupted Toki's story.

“Is instinct to runs away from what stress you out. Besides, was goings to be fun. It suck sometimes, to be famous. You nevers get a moment alone, or keep a singles thought to yourself. Every moves you make is beings watched. Skwisgaar and me hads lived that way for overs fifteen year—evens longer for him. Afters a while, you forgets how to separate yourself from the public image you has createds. You has to be concerneds about not making yourself look stupids or bad. So it mades perfect sense to us in thats moment to just say screw its and takes off. We couldn'ts ever do that, before. For the first times in a while, we remembereds what freedom was like.”

“Wasn't there any sort of conscience telling you to go back home?”

Toki shrugged. “Dead bodies aren't something that freaks me out after alls the concerts we play and alls the klokateers what die on the jobs, so I was just goings along for the ride. I likeds it, whenever Skwisgaar includeds me in his plans. It didn'ts happen very often.”

His and Skwisgaar's gazes met. If not for lingering bitterness, Toki would be more apt to expend reignited rebellion with a smile.

“What happened next?”

They exited the interstate into a village named Brewster in order to fuel up. While searching for a pair of sunglasses inside the gas station, Toki's shrill phone went off on his hip. Skwisgaar had given it back after acquiring a pinky-swear that Toki wouldn't betray him with a phone call back east; however, Charles beat him to the punch.

Toki let it go to voicemail and jogged out to Skwisgaar. “I gots a call from Charles.”

“Me too. You didn'ts answer, did you?” Skwisgaar accepted the soda he'd asked Toki to grab.

“No.”

“We ams going to has to get more creative wit' dis, if we wants to get away,” Skwisgaar stated. “I bets you anyt'ing dis car and our phones all have trackings device on dem.”

“Think so?” Toki never considered the possibility, although sometimes wondered how Charles located him so quickly when drunkenness separated him from the other guys.

“How opposed woulds you be to ditchings it all? Car, phones, credit cards? If we don'ts, dis am goings to be over before it cans hardly even start. I bets you anyt'ing Charles will shows up in a helicopters wit'in t'ree hour.”

“Depend. How much cash you gots?” Toki's wallet only boasted about a thousand dollars.

“We'll get somes at de bank, den fucks de rest of it, ja?”

“I wonders if we could find someone who's heading downs New York City way.” Toki rubbed his chin. “We coulds give them our cards and throws Charles off our trail. Gives us a bit of a head start.”

Skwisgaar smirked. “I likes de way you t'ink. But who?”

They headed over to the nearest Dethbank branch and withdrew ten grand a piece—that had to be enough to cover two transcontinental drives. Shoving it into their wallets, they scanned the strip mall's parking lot for someone that might be willing to help them out. Yet again, their Dethphones went off. And, once again, they went ignored. “I hates feeling like a sitting duck.”

“Ja, we gots to find someone quick.” A rust-bucket of an old, dirty, burgundy Honda drew Skwisgaar's attention as it parked nearby. “Whats about dat?”

“Onlies one person. They probablies wouldn't want to go south all bys themselves. And they looks like they just on they's lunch break from work, so maybes are too. . .what's the word?”

“Responsibles?”

“Ja, thats one.” Toki nodded. “Besides, we gots to pick someone what gots a vehicle they can trades us. It isn'ts no good if we ditch our identities only to winds up stranded in this crappys little town because the motor fell outs the bottom of the car.”

They had to wait only another quarter-hour before something of interest pulled up to the donut shop next to the bank. Bass pounded inside a dark blue Mustang, probably a nineties' model. A crack ran across the windshield, but other than that the vehicle seemed in decent condition. To only better the prospect, a couple teenagers wearing Dethklok zipper hoodies piled out.

“Whats you t'ink?”

Toki already unbuckled his seatbelt. “Easy as pies. Come on.”

They followed into the otherwise empty bakery, where the two boys stuck their faces to the display window and named off sweets to the wispy woman behind the counter. Skwisgaar flicked his hair back over his shoulder and jutted his chin into the air. “I's will handle dis.

“Ja, t'rows whatever dey ams buying onto my porchase,” he instructed the woman as she and the teens converged at the till. “My treat.”

“Uhh. . .” Her face lit up in recognition. “Oh my god! You're Skwisgaar Skwigelf! Don't even worry about it, just tell me what you want and it'll all be on me!”

“No, noes, I insist to pay.” Skwisgaar nodded at the boys, who elbowed each other excitedly. “Just gives to me a Boston creams. Toki, dids you want anyt'ing?”

“That all went according to plan?” Charles asked. Since their journey started off well and fun, Toki paused in his retelling to suppress acute sadness. With Skwisgaar destined to remain behind bars, they'd never be able to do anything like that ever again.

“Those kids were more than happys to trade us, ja. They'd never beens to New York, and we tolds them to goes crazy with the credit cards. Make sure to buy something in every towns on their way, thats kind of thing. Nots like they could evers make a dent in our bank accounts.” Toki shrugged. “So we gaves them the Porsche in exchange for they Mustang, smashed our Dethphones, and carrieds on.”

“Wasn't that a little drastic?”

“Nots really. We figureds you would be right on our ass. We were still paranoids after that, so we headeds back into Danbury for a couple hours, then wents a longer way around Brewster, on dirt roads. It was excitings, to feel smarter than you for a change. The runnings and chasing was parts of the fun. We kepts imagining your face, when you chased down our car, onlys for there to be a couple seventeen year olds in it.” Upon Toki's return home, his lawyer clarified that solely fear struck him in that moment. With no idea if their disappearance happened by their own volition, Charles' panicked scanning of New York City aided their escape. “So anyways, it was just me, Skwisgaar, and a case full of CDs what those kids left behind when we switched vehicles. No ID, no phones ringing, nothing. A hundreds mile down the road or so, when we figureds you might be gettings close to catchings up to those kids, we stole someone else's license plate. Wouldn'ts be long, we figured, before you learneds what kind of car we was driving now.”

They completely expected, before the sun touched the western horizon, that their joy ride would end. However, if Charles implemented road blocks and alerted law enforcement to keep an eye out for a vehicle fitting their description, nothing came of it. Too paranoid to stop for a proper sleep, they drove in shifts through the night. The sun rose over them in Elkhart, Indiana.

“So to recount: Skwisgaar woke you up in the wee morning hours of April eleventh, you helped him dispose of a body, then decided to make a run for it. Is that a fair summary?”

“Is the story so far, ja.”

“Was Skwisgaar behaving oddly at all, in this time frame?”

“If you considers him wantings to pal around with me odd. He just neededs to be free for a littles while.”

“Was he evasive, about the crime he'd committed?”

“We didn'ts talk about it through all that, so I nevers gave him the chance to _be_ evasive. We gots wrapped up in outsmartings you.” Allowing for the man to watch over them was a lesson Toki wished he got to learn a little less harshly, with much lesser consequences. “In facts, I pretty much forgots about it, by the times we had some breakfast, bought some fresh clothes, and hits the road for Chicago.”

“What brought it up again?”

“He asked me. . .” Toki hesitated. “He asked me abouts that time when _I_ killeds a guy.” 


	3. Chicago

Although the I-94 took them away from the rising sun, Skwisgaar donned sunglasses in the passenger seat. The initial thrill toward their escape waned for him during the night. Too wired after everything that happened over the past thirty hours, Skwisgaar's head only lolled for half his allotted time to sleep. Now, he sat quietly and watched the various exit ramps into Michigan City pass them by.

Toki glanced over at him every few moments. “You should tries to sleep.”

“Can'ts.”

“We. . .we cans find a phone and calls Charles, if you want.”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “Does _you_ want to?”

“Nots really, but we's both kind of tired. And my ass hurts pretties bad from sitting so long.”

“Do you t'inks he would be lookings for us dis far away?”

“I don'ts know. If we nots in a rush, what would you says about gettings a motel room in Chicago? Sleeps in an actual bed, get resteds up? Maybes we should find a new car too, because everyones everywhere is going to be lookings for a dark blue Mustang.”

“Mights not be a bad idea,” Skwisgaar agreed. “I t'inks we gots a while before Charles catch up, though. He mights be more occupied wit' cities closer to home.”

“It helps that we didn'ts really have much of a reason to go this far. Unless you gots any ties to Chicago?”

“Dethklok playeds dere once backs before you joineds, but dat ams it.”

“When we gets to a motel, we should sees if they sayings anything on TV about us. Maybes will give us an idea on what Charles is doing.”

“Shore, but I doubts he woulds has made it a public t'ing. Woulds be dangerous, if people likes de Revengencers heard we weres out and abouts. De wrong peoples would be on our ass.”

Toki's mouth dried. “You. . .don'ts think we should maybes lets him know where we are, just in case something like that happen?”

“If everyone expect dat we ams at Mordhaus, who's going to t'ink dey saw us in Chicago?” Skwisgaar paused. “But it wouldn'ts hort us to take some precaution. Maybes we should find some disguise once we get settleds in.”

“Likes what?”

“I don'ts know. Fake moustache, or somet'ing.”

Charles took another sip of water, at his podium. “When did Skwisgaar ask you about the murder you committed prior to this entire incident?”

“A whiles after that. We droves into Chicago, and gots a motel room at the first place we could finds where we didn'ts need a credit card. Was pretty slummys. Anyway, I fells asleep—thought Skwisgaar dids too—but when I wokes up he'd been out to grabs food and buy stuffs for hidings who we were.”

A crunching sound, as well as quiet conversation from the television, lifted Toki's head off the pillow. Groggy, he struggled to focus on Skwisgaar seated cross-legged on the other bed. “Where'ds you get those?”

“Down the streets.” Skwisgaar dipped another baby carrot in ranch dressing. “You hungries?”

“I coulds eat, ja. What time is it?”

“Bits past four. Sleeps okay?”

Toki nodded. “Did you sleeps at _all?_ ”

“Nots yet.”

Rather than criticize the older man, Toki turned his attention toward the other bags on Skwisgaar's bed. “What's all thats?”

“I wents around. Gots us some food, some stuff for disguises, and pickeds you up some insulin, in case you ams runnings out.”

“I gots enough in my case for a week, but thanks you for thinkings about it.” Toki smiled. “What kinds of stuff dids you get for disguise?”

“Some clothes, glasses, hair dye, t'ing like dat.” Skwisgaar rifled through the plastic sacks. “Whenever you ams ready, I ams going to get you to colours my hair. Den I will does yours.”

“Uhh, who says I's changing mine?”

“Me. We amn'ts going to be de same colour.” Skwisgaar set a couple boxes on the bedside table, one intended for brown and the other for black. “And says goodbye to you fu manchu.”

“No, I likes it!” Toki rose his hand defensively over his facial hair. “Who says _you_ gets to make all the decisions, huh? Why don'ts _you_ dye your hair black and lets Toki stay the way he is?”

“What goods is a disguise if only ones of us do it? Beside, I alreadies bought it, so you mights as well use it. And de reason I ams going brown ams because my skin ams too pale for goings all de way black. It woulds look horrible.”

“And it goings to look any better on me?”

“You gots a darker skin tone, so you'lls be fine. Alreadies got a bit of a tan,” Skwisgaar pointed out.

“That's because I actuallies go outside once in a whiles.”

“Whens de last time you even gots a sunborn—? You know what, it don'ts matter. I says you dyings your hair black, so dat ams what you goings to do.” Skwisgaar crossed his arms. “It probablies won'ts even be pormenant. Gives it t'ree or four week, and it'll fades back to your normal hair colours. Happy?”

“Whats about _you_ , then? You gonna be stucks with brown hair. You okays with that?”

“I's will get someone to fix it, when all dis am over.” Skwisgaar waved it off. “You goings to eat forst, or what?”

“Depends. What dids you buy?”

Turned out the carrots were the only healthy thing. Hunger compelled Toki to settle on a bag of beef jerky, for at least the hefty amount of sodium wouldn't affect his wellness as negatively as the candy bars. His stomach protested the decision anyway, as Toki donned the plastic gloves that came with the dye kit. “Last chance to change you mind.”

“I amn'ts going to.” Skwisgaar pulled his shirt off and tossed it onto his bed. “I'ves made my deciskin. If we goings to do dis right, den we mights as well goes all in.”

Toki couldn't raise much fuss about darkening his own hair, if Skwisgaar went first. Regardless of curiosity toward how it would turn out—how drastically Skwisgaar would change with it—Toki still cringed when the first inky line ran from forehead to crown. “How you doings, anyway?”

“Abouts?”

“Your lady-friend.”

Skwisgaar shrugged. “I'ms okay.”

“You sure? Takes a second to think before you answer. Maybes you feel fine, but we just rans a thousand miles from home and you's changing your hair colour.”

“ _You_ broughts up taking precaution towards being recognize. What ams a better way dan disguise? What ams _any_ different way?”

Toki conceded to his point after a moment of thought. “I's worried about you. You actings a bit weird.”

“Maybes I admit I a bit stressed out, all rights?” Skwisgaar's gaze met Toki's in the mirror. “I nevers killed nobodies before, and I can't stops t'inking dat I fuckeds a dead lady. Why ams running away from dat a bad t'ing? Wouldn'ts it be a littles weird if I wents about my day like not'ing happen? Slepts in de bed where she die? What dids _you_ do, after Sobertown?”

A tremble in Toki's hands landed a drop on Skwisgaar's shoulder. No matter how quickly Toki swiped it away, his skin still stained. “Sorry.”

“Amn'ts a big deal. I bought some of dem pads what am good for takings dese kind of t'ing off your skin.” Skwisgaar paused. “So what dids you do? I can'ts really remember. We gots busy wit' de album.”

“Dranks, mostly.” Toki's focus sharpened on Skwisgaar's hair. “I didn'ts really know what to feels about it, so I chose not to feel anything. That asshole was reallys on my nerves, though.”

“Was pretties brutal, you know. I don'ts know anyone else who killed someone wit' dey bare hands.”

“You.”

“Okays, but I didn'ts _mean_ to.”

“Neithers did I.”

“Haves you ever thoughts about doing it again?”

“Why woulds I?”

Skwisgaar shrugged. “Whethers you wants to, or not. Does you ever t'ink about killing someone?”

“You, sometimes.”

The laugh he earned died when projected through time, with a clear of Charles' throat in the courtroom. “So the defendant expressed curiosity toward committing future murders?”

“He didn'ts explikitsly say so. He was just curious abouts how I felt when I dids it. I thoughts at the time that he was onlies trying to figure out how _he_ should feel. It was pretties obvious that the whole thing stress him out. How _wouldn'ts_ it? Is confusings, when you do that. Evens when you don't think about it, you realize deeps down that you endeds a life. Someone who hads a mom and dad, who wents to school, crieds because they scrapeds their knee, hads their heart broken. . .they doesn't exist anymore because of _you_. Maybes that the thrill, in hindsight. It's all abouts power. You becomes a god, because you gets to choose who lives and who dies.”

“Did you tell him that?”

Toki shook his head. “I didn'ts have the words then, and the topic is taboo. I mean sure, maybes people sometime speculates about what they would do if they hads the chance to kill their worst enemy with no repercussions, or how fars they woulds be willing to go for their own survival. Regulars jack-offs kill other people all the times, to protect their family or to stop someone that brokes into their home.”

“What's the difference in your mind, between accidental murder and that which is done on purpose?”

“Is nights and day—don'ts get me wrong, I understand that. Accidents happen all the time, like when your car slips on an icy road, or something. What kepts me quiet when me and Skwis talks about it is that we hads both done somewhats the same thing, and it didn't seems to destroy us. We were outs on the road, no one knews who we were, and we nevers really had any reason to fear gettings in trouble.”

“Do you believe that morality is dictated by law enforcement, then? Rather than from within?”

“I believe it works both ways. Sometimes people don't have that thing inside what tells you how to behave, so that's where the law is good. Anarchy isn'ts a practical thing, and thats is why. People are in danger when the fear of gettings caught becomes irrelevants.” Toki was more guilty than Skwisgaar, for all that happened during their road trip. The only reason he didn't sit beside Skwisgaar now was because he had nothing to do with killing Serveta.

However much Charles bent the law for his sake, Toki found no relief in it. Sure, he liked that he himself wouldn't have to be prosecuted in the punishment-oriented American penal system, but guilt swallowed him whole no matter how valiantly he struggled against it. How _could_ he sleep, when someone less deserving—someone he cared deeply about—already spent seven and a half months behind bars? If he could, Toki would sacrifice himself for Skwisgaar's freedom. If the crime in review at all involved him, he'd take the rap. However, the reality of the situation was that best case scenario entailed Skwisgaar getting sentenced to a larger facility for anywhere between fifteen and twenty years while Toki himself walked out the front door. If Toki gave himself up, it wouldn't change anything. It took enormous effort on Charles' part to help Toki understand that.

“Do, ah, you and Skwisgaar share similar opinion on the value of life?”

“In ways, I guess. I can't puts word in his mouth, but we talkeds about this kind of thing once in a while. Neithers of us really ever saws much a point to life, since we didn'ts like our owns very much. We boths identify as nihilists. I was raised to believes in God, but I know that no such things exist. Nots that I'm sayings atheism or nihilism is an excuse for the things we's done, and lots of people what think the sames way don't evens consider hurtings as many people as we has.”

“What about Skwisgaar, specifically?”

“He's capable of surprisings you. He dids it to me once in a while, likes grabbing insulin when he wents out to find food, in Chicago. The furthers we got on the road, maybes we did some bad stuff, but there was good moments, too. He cans be thoughtful, sweet even.” In Toki's experience, Skwisgaar only connected with people that he spent sufficient time with. On top of that, being famous warped their morality. As members of Dethklok, they didn't live in the same world as everyone else; they saw death all the time. They disconnected, after waking up everyday to this particular existence.

“Speaking of which, let's get back to your testimony. So you'd arrived in Chicago, rested up in a motel room, and helped each other get into disguise so that you wouldn't be recognized. What happened next?”

“We dyeds each other's hair, wents out for real dinner, then watched TV to see if maybes we'd been mentioneds at all. Which we hadn'ts, since you decideds not to go public about us going missing. Sittings around in the motel room, though. . .we gots bored. Skwisgaar slepts a bit in the evening, but a couples hour later he nagged me to goes out.”

“Where did he want to go?”

“A bar. Um, he wanteds to go a bits further north of downtown. He wanteds to check out Boystown.”

“And what is that, exactly?”

Thankful the other guys wouldn't have to hear any of this, Toki sighed. “Chicago's gay neighbourhood.” 


	4. Boystown

Toki used any excuse possible to migrate into the bathroom as the evening progressed. While Skwisgaar made no qualm about studying his altered appearance in the mirror above the desk, Toki sought more private audience with himself. Amazing, how blackened hair and eyebrows, as well as no facial hair, could transform a person. If Toki let his eyelids grow heavy, the concealment of wide, pale blue eyes emphasized a sense of prosopagnosia.

Around eight o'clock, Skwisgaar gathered up some of the clothes he'd bought and ran the shower. Just as Toki seriously considered banging on the door in order to hurry him up, Skwisgaar emerged clean, groomed, and smelling faintly of a new cologne. “Gets dressed.”

“Why?” Toki intended to stick with his boxers. “Befores you even says it, no.”

“I _does_ say it.” Skwisgaar's nose rose in the air. “We ams in a new cities. Whats you mean you don'ts want to goes anywhere? When ams de last time you gots to party wit'out worryings you might be recognize? Or dats Nat'an, Pickle, and Moidaface ams going to t'rows up on you?”

“I saids no.”

“But Toki!” Skwisgaar blocked his line of vision to the television. “Come on, just dis once. I don'ts want to goes alone, beside, how ams you goings to keep in contack wit' me, when I don'ts have a phone?”

“Who saids I want to keeps in contack with you?”

“How you goings to know I amn'ts in trouble, ah? Or if I gots hort or pickeds up by de wrong people?” Skwisgaar's smirk indicated awareness that he touched upon deeply embedded fears. “How woulds you ever sleeps?”

“Fucks off, asshole.” Toki didn't in the least appreciate his latest stint in captivity being used for emotional manipulation. “Just go hits on the fat old lady in the front office. Why we gots to go to a bars?”

“I don'ts feel like havings an old lady tonight. Beside, you really wants me to brings her back here, to fuck? You willings to sit out in de car or hides in de bat'room while I does dat?”

Toki threw a pillow at him. “You's disgustings. Nots like it goings to be any differents at a bar. I don'ts need to goes into the bathroom and hears you honking like a goose while you flails against a lady in the stall.”

“Where ams you sense of adventure? Dids you t'row it out de window in Ohio, or somet'ing?

“Screws you, den,” Skwisgaar said when Toki tuned him out. “I'ms going, whet'er you comings or not. I sees you in de morning. . .maybe.”

Triumph in having won out only lasted for a split second once the door closed. As much as Toki hated to admit it, Skwisgaar was right: he didn't want anything bad to happen to the older man when stupidly intoxicated, and Toki wouldn't be able to live it down if he never saw Skwisgaar again. Not bothering to dress, he ran out in hopes of catching him before he boarded a bus. He came to an abrupt halt as Skwisgaar leaned against the Mustang's hood, cigarette tip glowing orange.

Ash flitted toward the ground with a flick. “Kneweds you would comes around.”

“Does the defendant manipulate you often?” Charles asked.

“I suppose. Most of the times he never meant to. I just wanteds to be included or to impress him. Not to mention, because we weres all on our own, we hads to look out for each other. If Skwisgaar wanteds to get dumb, he neededs a pair of eyes on him. Has beens a long-standing traditions for us to takes turns doing that.”

For all the Skwisgaar-watching Toki executed at various pubs, bars, and clubs, surprise shouldn't have found him at the majority of frequenters along North Halsted Street. The odd couple of men holding hands or women walking arm in arm clued him in immediately. When looking closer, Toki discovered that some of the women merely _looked_ like women, same for the men. A well-dressed woman with huge, curly hair had too angular a face for her assigned sex to match how she portrayed herself that night. “Uhh, Skwisgaar?”

“Ja.” The man's attention flitted back and forth, up and down over mostly everyone within sight.

“Whats we doing here?”

“I tolds you: I amn'ts in de mood for an old lady, tonights.”

However unsure to start off, Toki caught Skwisgaar's excitement. They could never go somewhere like this with the other guys, and even if Toki didn't plan on scoring any action, these people would be a lot more fun to watch than the uniform occupants of their usual haunts. Mood elevating, Toki silently thanked the older man for dragging him along. “Where dids you want to check out first?”

Initially, Skwisgaar stayed at Toki's side against the bar as he scanned about. Music made conversation difficult, enabling Toki to do the same. It delighted him, after the stifling heteronormative atmosphere at Mordhaus, that gender seemed to melt away here. Whenever someone came up to buy a drink, he'd try to guess who had what between their legs, then spin a story about who they really were, or why they chose to wear stiletto heels along with a full beard. Then, he forgot to care about what nature decided for everyone and paid attention solely to what _they_ chose, instead.

Skwisgaar nudged Toki and leaned close enough to his ear for breath to pelt its folds. “You see dat one overs on de ot'er end? Wit' de piercings and blue hair? Dey beens making eyes at you.”

Never one for subtlety, Toki's head snapped in that direction. An inviting grin from them and a simultaneous nudge on his comrade's part converted his curiosity to anxiety. “No, no, I don'ts think I cans.”

“Tonights you amn't Toki Wartooth. Goes nuts.”

That didn't automatically mean Toki possessed as much guts as Skwisgaar. Unfortunately for his hesitancy, the older man rapidly disappeared into the undulating mass on the dance floor and left him open for approach. The space closing allowed Toki a moment to collect himself.

When the person leaned in to talk, Toki caught the scent of sweat mingled with soft perfume. “You look nervous. First time?”

Toki nodded. He didn't know what they referred to particularly, but absolutely nothing he did so far tonight was familiar.

“What do you drink? Let me buy you something.”

“Ums. . .” His brain stuck, then flitted to his default. “Vodka and somethings, I's not too picky.”

“Hey, an accent. Where are you from?”

“Norway.” Answering questions came easier than formulating his own. “I's lived here for a longs time, though.”

“In Chicago?”

“No. . .” Attempting not to give more than enough away, Toki stalled. “Mordland.”

“What brings you over here?”

Toki shrugged and smiled. “Change of scenery.”

“Name's Cody, anyway.”

Toki didn't mind a little pleasant conversation. While fingers sometimes grazed his arm or shoulders, he relaxed when he found that the other man (or woman, he still couldn't really tell, given how soft their face was) put no pressure on him for anything beyond his comfort zone. A couple drinks loosened him up some, although he strove not to forget his self-appointed responsibility. He assumed his surveying sweeps would go unnoticed; a hold of his gaze on Skwisgaar chatting up a dark woman dressed tightly in latex landed him a nudge, though.

“Boyfriend?”

“What? Oh, no.” Toki laughed at the absurdity of it. “Just a friend. He gets a little stupid sometimes, so I'm keepings an eye on him.”

“He looks like he's doing just fine. Wanna dance?”

How could he say no? Confidence injected and caution tossed, Toki let Cody lead him out. The multitude of bodies made it difficult to keep track of each other, although at least blue hair drew him back in quite easily. He grew numb to fellow dancers brushing up against him on accident, thanks to pounding bass, but a rub and grope gathered his attention immediately. Turning around, a sigh on his part met Skwisgaar's inaudible laughter. With a mouthed 'sorry', the man was gone again.

Sweat caused Toki's eyes to sting. Panting, he removed himself back to the bar. Cody disappeared at some point, giving him fresh opportunity to touch visual base with Skwisgaar. No immediate sight didn't concern him, given blinking lights and unfamiliar appearance, so he flagged down the nearest bartender for a refill.

“It tooks a couple rounds of the place and abouts forty-five minutes before I begans to worry that Skwisgaar mights has left,” Toki recounted in Stockholm. “So I founds Cody again. Didn'ts mean to bother him, but he hadn't seen Skwisgaar either. Was a pretty soberings moment, I guess. I trieds to find next the lady he'd been talkings to. Fortunatelys, he hadn'ts left with her. . .”

Over at the defendant table, Skwisgaar rubbed his forehead. He had every right to be abashed about where Toki found him. This woman named Alexis, one knot in his string of flirts, scanned the club as well when approached. “I saw him talking to Thomas. There's a chance they might have left.”

Fear confirmed, Toki's stomach dropped. “Shits. Well, thanks you for your help—”

“Now hold on, honey. If they did, I can take you where they would've gone.”

Cool air in the street promoted a touch of relief. The music filtered out of the building, unconsciously influencing the rhythm of Toki's steps. Alexis' heels clicked on the pavement. “I've never seen either of you around. He mentioned you're from Europe?”

Toki nodded. “I _told_ him nots to do anything dumb. . .”

“From what he told me, he was _looking_ for dumb.”

Scared as to what that could possibly mean, Toki pushed Alexis to walk as quickly as her shoes would allow. He let her balance against him when taking them off to expedite their trek. “So long as he don'ts get hurt, I guess. I's gonna get him out of here, once I finds him. I thinks he's had enough fun tonight.”

“That'll probably be true.”

A couple men loitered on the front steps of a townhouse, where Alexis brought Toki to a stop. They seemed to recognize her—a good sign. One stubbed his cigarette out. “Hey, babe. Who's the new guy?”

“He's looking for his friend. He inside?”

“That big tall Swedish thing? Yeah, he's in there.”

Toki didn't wait for permission. He followed the voices upstairs, where a packed living area of people chatted and drank. None paid Toki much attention as he roamed about, until he headed past a couple hallway loiterers toward the bedrooms. “Hey, no budging. Get in line.”

“For?”

No, never mind that; movement through the cracked door created tunnel-vision. Unable to process what he witnessed upon pushing it open, Toki could only stare. Some thick-set dude's arms bulged and tensed as he held long legs parted. For a moment Toki feared his bandmate might be unconscious, but cracking toes offset his slack expression.

“What the hell?” The man fucking him resisted when pushed. “Fuck off bro, I just got in here!”

“I's not your bro, screws off.”

Another shove did it. While certainly the guy could've held his weight against Toki, whatever caused his pupils to dilate so drastically forced him to step down. Hopped up on the same substance, Skwisgaar seemed to hardly notice that he alone occupied the bed. Every inch of his body shone with sweat and no blue remained in his eyes. Rather than scramble to cover himself or at least play off how he got busted, Skwisgaar grinned. “Hi.”

“Don'ts 'hi' me! Gets up and puts your clothes on.”

“Aw, you couldn'ts even let him finish?”

Ignoring that, Toki tossed jeans and the unbuttoned shirt at him. “Dids you even wear underwear?”

“Why you gots to be such a downer, ah? I was havings fun.”

Charles ruffled his papers on the podium. “What drug was he using?”

“Crystals meth.”

“And how was this night significant?”

“Well, for ones, as soon as Skwisgaar moved, I coulds tell that the guy I pushed off him definitelys wasn't the only one he had unsafe sex with. So thats was when he contracted HIV. Ons that note. . .” Toki long forgave Skwisgaar, but the flush of upset that filled him when the doctor broke the news returned while relaying their reckless stupidity. “Laters that night was when he pass it along to _me_.” 


	5. Omission

Even after the countless times Toki saw Skwisgaar either fucking or just generally naked, the sweaty, heaving mess he'd discovered made him physically ill. In such a state, could the man really have organized a string of strangers to fuck him? Mere clench of Skwisgaar's abdomen pushed an ungodly amount of cum from his body; Toki continued to stare when Skwisgaar turned his back and bent down to step into his pants. Viscosity dribbled toward his knees.

“Don'ts look at me like dat,” Skwisgaar said as he attempted to zip up without catching his erection. “I amn'ts Skwisgaar tonight, so I had somes fun.”

Who was he then, Serveta? Biting back anger, frustration, and fear for priority of getting them out of there, Toki emitted a trembling sigh. “You can'ts walk down the street with a boner. Why don'ts I give you a piggyrides back to the motel?”

“I don'ts want to go backs yet. I needs to find Alexis.”

“Hasn'ts you fucked enough, tonight?”

“I wants a bump.”

“I thinks you's had enough drugs, too. Lets me feel your pulse.” Two fingers against the older man's jugular hardly registered any sensation, given the speed. “Ja, you takes anymore and you mights go into cardiac arrest, or something.”

“Since whens has drug evers fuck us up?” Skwisgaar argued. “You does dem too!”

“Skwis, _no_. I's taking you back to the motel.”

“No!” Skwisgaar dodged him. “You amn'ts my dad!”

“I's looking out for you anyway, so gets on my back.”

Arms draped around Toki's neck when his stubbornness won out, but victory came with a price. Before Toki could even start his descent back to the street, Skwisgaar's movements became a bit too obvious. “I'm sorrys, are you humpings me?”

“You gots no idea how horny dis craps make me.” Caught, Skwisgaar made no more effort to hide it. “Just lets me do it a littles while, ja? I'ms close.”

“I's not a dildo or whatevers that you can just use like that.”

“Den why don'ts you fuck me? You could get somet'ing out of it too.”

“Stop it.”

“Den can we stops at a sex shop on de way? I need _somet'ing_ , or else I'ms gonna go out of my mind.”

“I thinks you's put enough stuff in your butt tonight. Keeps it up and you's gonna shit your bed.”

“ _Pff_ , no I won'ts. You t'inks I hasn'ts ever been gangbanged before?” Skwisgaar nibbled on Toki's earlobe. “Come on, let's sticks around de orgy. Why don'ts you get some action, ah?”

A sex-party explained why Toki needed to avert his gaze when they passed through the main area. While he mechanically descended the stairs, Skwisgaar's influence caused hesitance. Goddamn it, anyway. He _should_ get Skwisgaar out of there, cleaned up, and tucked into bed. Hot breath in his ear weakened that resolve, though. Would or could Skwisgaar escape him again? “If we goes back upstairs, you gots to stay put, okay? Don'ts leave, unless you leavings with _me_.”

Skwisgaar's legs already moved in walking motion before Toki even set him down. Following the man back upstairs, Toki could see where earlier's cum darkened his pants. He had to trust Skwisgaar to be careful after his vast experience in sex, and it would do Toki good to forget for a little while. Returning to the main area, a glance around increased his discomfort. Now that he paid attention, more people gravitated toward one another. A woman draped across the couch closed her eyes as another woman's head situated between her legs. At least the bowl full of condoms on the kitchen island garnered constant attention.

How did Skwisgaar make it seem so easy? Sure, friendships were Toki's forte, but he could never march up to someone as confidently as Skwisgaar just did in order to procure sexual favour. As a member of Dethklok, Toki never had to worry about smooth-talk. And what was the etiquette for this? Did he just jump in?

A hand on his shoulder startled him, then a reassuring smile from Alexis melted the tension. “I'd know that deer in headlights stare anywhere. You've never been to one of these before, have you?”

Toki shook his head. Already, Skwisgaar obtained interest from a couple women. Toki felt his face pale when Skwisgaar pointed in his direction and the girls studied him with interest.

“See, told you he'd be fine,” she said. “Looks like he's setting you up. Why don't you go over there?”

He didn't have to; Skwisgaar came to _him_ , once Alexis moved on. “We's gonna fucks dem ladies.”

“I don'ts need you to picks who I's gonna hook up with.”

“Dat ams fines, den maybes me and dem will does it on our own. You shore you don'ts want to joins us?”

Toki's heart rate spiked again as calloused fingertips ran the length of his forearm. Two times now, Skwisgaar crossed the line between friendly and sexual contact with him. Skwisgaar proved earlier that meth lowered already-scanty inhibitions, so that left only one of them with a functioning brain as to how sex might make things weird. Regardless, an apprehensive nod resulted in a hand closing about his wrist and towing him back toward the kitchen. Given what he already saw Skwisgaar doing, Toki might very well wind up with his dick inside the man. How could he not get excited for that, after his waxing and waning crush over the years?

“Okay, he ams game,” Skwisgaar announced to the two ladies. This close, the blonde obviously bleached her hair; when she smiled, the manner in which her eyes crinkled hinted to Toki that she might be of Eastern descent. The other one, a caramelized brunette with hazel eyes, had the big, plushy lips that Toki could attach himself to for an entire evening. So maybe he had to admit that Skwisgaar could pick them.

Appearances didn't matter at an orgy anyway, far as Toki could tell from looking around. Confidence made up for anything someone could be insecure about; back in the bedroom opposite where he found Skwisgaar, even Toki's scars became invisible when Diane, the brunette, pulled his shirt off. They sat together on the edge of the bed, gauging the other through some making out and petting. Taking the plunge toward proactivity and trying to forget that his bandmate did something similar right next to him, Toki kissed his way back to her ear. “You've gots really soft skin.”

“Aw, thanks.” Diane arched into where his fingertips grazed her ribs. On Toki's other side, the shift of someone onto their knees alerted him of a blow job in vicinity. He didn't expect Diane to giggle about it as he sucked on her neck. “Wow, your friend is really going for it.”

After everything else that night, Toki experienced next to no shock that Skwisgaar sucked off someone that otherwise was a woman. Not only that, but he was apparently good at it. Toki sat close enough to see the goosebumps sprawling over Ronnie's abdomen up toward a perky pair of tits, then smiled politely when their gazes locked.

“Hey. . .why don't you take off your pants and lay down?” she suggested. While Diane helped Toki out with that, Skwisgaar's head was lifted off her cock by his hair. “You're the cum dump that was going around earlier, right?”

“Ja.”

“Get on all fours.”

Doing so put Skwisgaar's head near Toki's lap; protest on Ronnie's part when Skwisgaar made to shift denoted intention. She rolled a condom on with ease and took up the space between Skwisgaar's legs. “Just because I'm going to fuck you doesn't mean you have to stop sucking dick. Go on.”

One nice pair of lips on Toki's body was nice, but two was electric. He stilted in kissing Diane as Skwisgaar commenced the ministrations formerly concentrated on Ronnie; Skwisgaar's body in motion and a groan around Toki combined to deflate his lungs. With Diane sucking and nibbling on his bottom lip, any shyness Toki presumed to possess evaporated. His trembling fingers snuck up her skirt to find out if all four of them shared common genitalia. Coming to a familiar slit, he delved in search for the swollen, sensitive bump a particularly aggressive groupie pointed out to him in his early twenties. Gentle contact arched Diane's spine and cracked her eyes open. “Hey.”

“Ja?”

“Let me sit on your face.”

Inhibitions long gone, Toki nodded. Diane stood up to drop her skirt, touching her breasts and stomach briefly as she gazed over their fellow participants. Moaning could be heard from the neighbouring room, as well as a rhythmic thud.

Only once or twice did Toki see a naked woman this personally—and never so close to his face. He helped Diane get comfortable as she straddled his head, attention focused. For the uproar the other members of Dethklok made against this, it didn't seem so bad. Murderface stated female genitalia as gross-looking, but when last did he even see some? Besides, if someone wished to see the world through those lenses, penises were just as unappealing. Curiosity getting the best of him, as well as drawn to sweetness, Toki parted wet, glistening flesh.

Lack of facial hair made cleaning up afterward that much easier for Toki. Skwisgaar swallowed every drop of cum he produced, and allowed Ronnie to empty her condom onto his tongue. In hindsight, Toki had no idea if Skwisgaar even achieved orgasm throughout the entire party. Every time he saw him, he still maintained an erection. Spent and a little hungry as dawn neared, Toki withdrew to the snack table. He casually watched as at least five pairs of hands roamed his bandmate on the couch.

“Looks like he's just about to come down from his high,” Diane commented on the man's sluggish movements. “You've got a place to crash?”

Toki nodded. “We's got a motel room a couple blocks away.”

“You know, I'm just astounded by him, meth or not. I've never seen anyone go on and on like that. The only person I even _know_ of with that sort of endurance is Skwisgaar Skwigelf.”

Toki masked his reaction to hearing that name. “Has you ever fuckeds him?”

“Nah, but my older sister did back in 2006. Had a kid from it and everything. Beautiful little girl.”

“Huh.” Mention of their real names ought to mark the night's end. It shattered the illusion of anonymity; within that exhausted, thoroughly-used man was the iconic guitarist that would never let _anyone_ top him in any sense of the word. Maybe, like the metaphorical preacher's daughter, he took complete advantage of freedom.

Toki stood before Skwisgaar when the last of his partners moved along. “You readies to go?”

Skwisgaar eyed the proffered clothes. “Ja.”

Emulating their earlier, failed departure, Toki bent down so that Skwisgaar could drape over his back. The scent of sex and sweat lingered even out in the street, making Toki self-conscious as they passed the workday's first briefcase-wielding jack-offs. At the motel, Toki eased Skwisgaar down onto his bed. “You goings to brush your teeth or anything?”

“Maybes.” Skwisgaar cringed as he shifted. “I t'inks I wents a little overboard.”

“Hurts?”

“Just feels likes a lot of peoples fuck me.”

“Well, they dids.” Toki left him alone in order to stumble through a shortened version of his pre-sleep ritual. He plopped onto his own bed with freshly brushed hair, an emptied bladder, and a minty mouth. Even though the night ended and Toki could stop worrying, his mind wouldn't shut down. Already, all the things he and Skwisgaar did more resembled reverie than reality. Something as reputably disgusting as an orgy had no right to leave such a mark on his life. But damn, if anything convinced Toki that who he chose to have sex with wasn't a big deal, that did it.

The shower ran briefly, replacing mustiness with a fresh scent. Toki listened to Skwisgaar brush his hair and teeth, then shut out the room as the older man too crawled in. The second mattress creaked a couple times, stilled, then protested again. Toki's eyes cracked open when a depression manifested on his side of the room. “Skwis?”

The space between them shrunk, then a nuzzle came to Toki's back. “Mhm?”

“You makes a big stink about havings two bed, then you just crawls into mine anyway?”

“So?”

“Why?”

Skwisgaar snaked an arm around Toki's middle. “I could stills go one more time before I sleep.”

“You jokings? And you thinks coming over here like that is gonna gets you what you want?”

Lips pressed to Toki's shoulder. “Whats if I ask nicely? Says please, and all dat craps?”

“Nothing goods can come from us treatings each other like objects.” Toki told himself that, more than Skwisgaar. He really didn't want to get caught up in this, already anticipating what it'd do to suppressed, recurring infatuation.

“Why you gots to look at it dat way, ah?”

“Because you's propositionings me for sex. How else is I supposed to see it?”

“Torns around.”

The morning's faint light did nothing to lighten Skwisgaar's hair, darkened by standing under the shower head, but his eyes recouped their blueness. For a second Toki peered at the man he lived down the hallway from for a substantial portion of his life, then Skwisgaar casually wetting his lips drew attention to the slightly parted flesh. Toki's cock actually passed through those, and his cum went even further. Sight blocked at the time, Toki relied more on sensational memory than visual.

Could Toki reconcile these two very different people? It seemed unlikely, as Skwisgaar leaned into him. For everything that changed that night, for the event horizon they passed, it seemed cheap to sum it all up so succinctly to the courtroom's occupants.

“Laters that night was when he pass it along to _me_ ,” he stated to Charles, internally revisiting the entire evening as a distant, nostalgic phantasmagoria. “We wents back to the motel and had sex.”

“Unprotected?”

“Ja. Was a stupids thing to do, but we gots caught up in it. I. . .wanteds to feel everything, with him.”

Toki started when Meshuggah banged his gavel. Snapping out of his story, he looked over at the judges' table. “I believe the witness has had enough for now, Offdensen. We'll recess until this afternoon, at one o'clock. Get some rest, everyone.” 


	6. Recess

Toki took a seat at the back of the courtroom, instead of passing through. After all the rehearsal and time since everything happened, this shouldn't hurt so badly. Sharing with an audience and sitting that close to Skwisgaar necessitated a degree of strength Toki didn't possess. Having shut down, Toki didn't realize he had company until a hand rested on his shoulder.

“You're, ah, doing great so far.” Never all that great at comforting, awkwardness distorted Charles' tone. “Are you ready to leave for a while?”

Toki couldn't even fathom _standing_ , at the moment. “I don'ts know if I can do this. Is too much.”

“You have more strength than you credit yourself for.” Charles sat down beside. “It's going to be okay.”

“No, it's not. I misses him, Charles. I misses him like I woulds miss my head if it gots cut off. Is too hard, to be in the same rooms as him and nots be able to talk. We hasn't seen each other in so long. Isn'ts there _any_ way we cans visit?”

“I'm afraid not, during the trial. The opportunity will present itself afterward.”

“What's it even matter, if he goings to prison anyway?”

“Just keep your eye on the goal,” Charles reminded him. “If he stays in Sweden, the truth will result in a lighter sentence.”

“How cans I live with myself, knowing he has to go to prison when _I'm_ just as fuckeds up in the head? If it weren'ts for me, he nevers would has killed anyone, after that groupie lady.”

“What's happened, happened. All we can do now is take it day by day, and stop looking at how the past might've been different. It's going to drive you crazy, if you do.”

Toki was _already_ crazy, so what did it matter? Any progress he made toward straightening out his hectic mind seemed to peel back like tape to paper, skinning him in the process. The ghost of an entity sat on his side opposite Charles, its cackling only audible to him. Toki could never escape the savage that claimed his body as lair. Twinkletits warned that stress might incite manifestation though, so here it sat beside him, invisible to the naked eye yet more than capable of sapping Toki's energy. Schism of his psyche left his body a shell; at least that made it easier to face the throngs of reporters as Charles led him back to the limousine. The dark creature following along goaded Toki to tell them all to go fuck themselves and die, but Toki bit his tongue against it. As it dissipated, he sat on the edge of his hotel bed.

After all the talking he did that morning, the last thing Toki wanted was to engage in more. However, deprivation of human contact led him to send a text east. Abigail was probably preoccupied with the business that took her to Tokyo, but he needed her, if she had a moment.

_'Hey, sweetie. I hoped I'd hear from you. How's it going?'_

_'On recess rite now. Going bak at 1. its weird'_

_'Do you have your laptop handy? Meet me on Skype?'_

Toki sent a confirmation text, then pulled his computer over from the other side of the bed. Despite feeling guilty that he interrupted her, he smiled when her face appeared on his screen. “Ares you busy? We can talks later.”

“It's fine, I just got back from dinner.” Abigail paused. “So how was it? Did you see him?”

“He was there, ja. The room was a lot smaller than I thoughts it would be. Nots much, for someone like him to be on trial. He has new glasses. Looks good. I wish I coulds talk to him.”

That varied, depending on Toki's mood. Abigail took it in stride. “Did anyone say anything to you about the case, while you were there?”

“No. . .everythings just got going, right away.” Abigail, like everyone else in the world awaiting the judges' verdict, couldn't fathom what would drive Skwisgaar to matricide. The best Toki figured, Skwisgaar just got fed up with Serveta and, going off on all the stress that led him to Sweden in the first place, killed her in a fit. “The judge calleds me up to the stand and Charles asked me questions. It wasn'ts as bad as I thoughts it would be, but I hates going through this all overs again. I just wants it to be done.”

Toki didn't tell Abigail everything that happened, during the road trip. She already knew the important details. After his and Skwisgaar's run-in with Raina Gallegos and Francisco Salazar though, he needed Abigail more than ever.

“Do you even know what he plead?”

Toki shook his head. “Is just as tight-lipped, but Charles talks sometimes like Skwisgaar isn't coming home. I guess when you gets busted with your mom's blood on you, you don'ts really gots much choice about where you winds up. No matters _how_ good your lawyer is.”

“So what do you think is going to happen? For the band? You?”

“There isn'ts going to be much of a band, without Skwisgaar. I can'ts make music like him, so it wouldn'ts even matter if I bumped up to leads guitarist.” Rumours of Toki doing so, should Skwisgaar be convicted, circulated the globe as quickly as the media could propel them.

“As for me. . .” Toki rubbed his elbow, gaze averted. “I's not sure. If there's no band, there probablies no points in me stickings around Mordhaus. Is hards enough already. Evens if me and Skwisgaar didn'ts get involved for that littles while, it would stills be weird there, with just the fours of us. I woulds probably just quit and stays in Norway. Mor likes havings me around again, and I don'ts think she woulds care if I stays in her house for as longs as it would takes me to build my own.”

While Nathan's figurative collar was attached to Abigail's leash, she and Toki didn't address the awkwardness of her fiancé making Toki feel unwelcome in his own home. They'd already exhausted the topic in past, and Toki hated putting Abigail in the middle of it. He didn't see why she would choose him over Nathan, if pressured. “How's the house coming along, anyway? Weather's probably slowed construction down, huh?”

“Ja, a bits. If I didn'ts get the roof on before the first snowfall, I woulds probably be shit out of luck until May, or so. But I beens working my way inward. Gots most of the bathroom fixtures puts in, before I cames to Stockholm. Is goings to be cool, when is done. We's gonna burn the old one down. You shoulds come for it.”

“Don't you think that's something you and your mother should do on your own?” Abigail smiled. “I'll come for the housewarming, though. If you're not coming back to the U.S. before then, it'll have been too long since we saw each other in person.”

Toki only intended to stay in Norway for a week or two last August, but once he got it in mind that the Wartooth homestead needed to be reborn, no one could convince him to return. Any meetings were done via video chat—not that he was ever really needed for band business, anyway. With Dethklok output situated firmly at zero and Charles himself spending adequate time in Scandinavia, not much happened around Mordhaus lately.

“Nathan wanted me to come visit, on my way back. If I got on a plane Friday, would you want to get together?”

“Possiblies.” Toki nodded fervently. “I mights be back in Norway by then, though.”

“You aren't sticking around for the verdict?”

“What's the points? I nots going to see him, either ways. I'm sure Charles will gives me a call, to lets me know all what happen.” Not seeing Skwisgaar if he walked free by some miracle was for the best. Toki did okay at a distance in curbing both hard and lingering feelings, but he knew instinctively that he'd fall all over again for the man if they crossed paths closer than their respective seats in the courtroom. “I gots better stuff to do. I's getting on with my life. Fucks him and alls the head games he play with me for the last sixteen years. I'll helps him out this way—if the judges are evens hearing anything importants from me—and then that's it. I swears him off.”

Abigail tilted her head, eyebrows arching into a sympathetic expression. “Oh, honey. What happens, every time you say that?”

“No, I means it. He can'ts get to me, like Rockso dids whenever _he_ gets out of jail. Skwisgaar is goings to be stuck behinds bars for a lots of years, and by the time he gets out, I won'ts give a tenths of a quarters of a halfs of a piss abouts him.”

“I hope for your sake that it's true.”

“I don't see why _he_ woulds even want to see _me_. Maybes because he gots no one else left afters killing his mom, but that's his problem, nots mine.” Self-righteously as Toki stated that, a tug of anxiety thwarted his assertion. He hated thinking about Skwisgaar, having been so alone already in his life, growing old in the same manner. If Toki didn't have other familial priorities by then, he'd feel completely obligated to put a roof over Skwisgaar's head.

“Ten to twenty years is a long enough time for that to become true. If you need a reminder though, I won't be afraid to give you a swift kick in the ass.”

“You shouldn'ts worry about old Toki. You'll probablies be settleds down with a family, by then.” Nathan popped the question to Abigail late in the summer, although they hadn't put any planning toward a wedding yet. Toki suspected sometimes that Abigail said yes before she was truly ready to, especially since they'd only been together for a few years, thus far.

“Speaking of which. . .” Abigail chewed her bottom lip. “I haven't been able to talk with Nathan about this yet since it's more a face-to-face conversation to have, but. . .I'm late.”

“Late?”

“You know, the monthly cycle stuff, for women. I'm late.” She paused. “I have a test, that I was going to take tonight.”

Toki's heart leapt, eyes widening. A mixture of panic, jealousy, and excitement all fought for dominance inside him. “How lates are you?”

“Two weeks.” Her sigh sounded thin over Toki's speakers. “Just don't say anything to Nathan, if you see him. It's not for sure, and it's something just for us to talk about. Can you keep it a secret?”

“Of course I cans.” Not that Toki would see Nathan anyway, probably.

“Thanks. Did you want me to keep you updated? I could text you, once I find out.”

“Yes please! Wowie, Abigail. . .whats you gonna do, if you gots a baby growing inside you?”

“Have a shotgun wedding, I guess.”

Toki laughed and maintained an upbeat demeanour for the remainder of their conversation, but anxiety bowled him over again when his laptop clapped shut upon saying goodbye. For one, if she was pregnant, that cinched forever her connection to Nathan. If he and Toki couldn't bridge this difference between them, then more than Mr. Remeltindrinc would eventually need to give her away. Secondly, just like that, Toki's days no longer existed in a static world. However much he floated, everyone else's lives went on. Newly thirty-two years old, what did Toki have to show for it? He was one of the wealthiest names in history, but what about a partner of his own? What about kids? Were they even possible, in a life where sex only went as far as condoms would allow? Too scared to learn otherwise, Toki never bothered to ask his doctor or research the prospect.

That brought his thoughts back to Skwisgaar. Of course, the two of them could never have kids spare adoption or surrogacy, but they didn't have to worry about safe sex. Much as he knew he shouldn't, given his adamancy toward forgetting Skwisgaar, Toki laid on his side and silently carried on his testimony before his mind's eye.

In Chicago, he revelled in the lips pressed against his own. Toki grew to hate them over the years, as they relayed various insults, criticism, or narcissistic remarks, but how could he blame something so soft for the other man's less-than-impressive behaviours? Contrasting Skwisgaar's animalistic appetite that night, he didn't immediately go for Toki's junk. In a way Toki liked that, and yet, how long could he make out with Skwisgaar before it got weird? An orgy was easier, since the presence of other people diverted their attention away from one another. Here, Toki's fingers skimmed over only one waistline, and rubbed a single hip.

Blue eyes studied him when he pulled away. “What ams de matter?”

“What's we doing, Skwis? This is goings way too far.”

“Says who?”

“Since when does we fuck? We gots to go home eventuallies, you know. And we's gonna have to deals with this.”

“It ams just sex.”

“It's never _just_ sex, when is with a friend or bandmate. We's too close for that.”

“Den we agrees dat anyt'ing what happen on de road stays on de road. Amn'ts like we didn'ts already fuck earlier. I suckeds you off.”

“So this is just for whatevers, for you?”

“Ams I making you t'ink ot'erwise?” Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow.

“You's. . .beings all slow abouts it.” Toki averted his gaze. “I don'ts know. I figureds if you wanted me to fucks you, you'ds would just jumps on.”

“Dids you actuallies _listen_ when Nat'an and Pickle tells you a date ams just pullings out your dick?”

“Why, is this a dates, now?”

Skwisgaar laughed while swinging a leg over Toki's hips, to roll him onto his back. “What, because we gots history we can'ts have fun wit' it, forst? It gots to go straights to fucking? You amn'ts even hard yet.”

That didn't take long to change. Skwisgaar leaned down, inviting shaky hands to continue their tentative exploration. Very quickly did Toki realize just how much impact an eager Skwisgaar made on him. He tried to stay quiet, stubborn toward broadcasting that fact, but a groan arched his back as Skwisgaar mouthed his nipple while reaching back to stroke him. Sliding along Skwisgaar's crack made Toki delirious with anticipation. How many nights did he fantasize about this?

“Holds on,” Skwisgaar murmured before leaning over the edge of the bed. Rustling plastic resulted in a bottle of lube. “Always come in handy, ah?”

“You seriouslies bought some earlier?” Toki hadn't even considered it; thank God Skwisgaar did.

“Nevers know when you goings to shacks up wit' an old lady. Or a dude,” Skwisgaar added with a chuckle.

Toki's eyelids fluttered when the other man's touch returned to him. Totally expecting something capable of aligning planets and opening all the universe's secrets, Toki set himself up for mild disappointment as Skwisgaar eased back toward his hips. Still, he took it for what it was; having never done anal before, the difference in sensation tightened his grip on Skwisgaar's thighs. And—okay, Toki saw enough how concentration altered Skwisgaar's facial features, but he'd never looked as good as when taking _his_ dick.

Skwisgaar leaned forward, bracing himself against the headboard. “Not so bads, am it?”

“Figureds you woulds has been pretty loose, after earlier.” Toki already panted.

“ _Pff_.”

While Toki didn't entirely care about a honest-to-God fuck except for what physical release he could derive, innate eroticism surrounded the opposite body working so hard for both their satisfaction. Those moans sounded because of _him_. _He_ furrowed Skwisgaar's brow. And fuck, when his name slipped from those lips. . .

He rolled Skwisgaar onto his back, fully intent to stretch this out as long as he reasonably could. However, nails biting his back and glazed eyes quickened his hips instead. Toki forwent consideration the closer he got; while a cringe presented itself in Skwisgaar's features, he said nothing against fervency. Instead, he nudged Toki in order to gain access to his own cock. Toki could only watch with awe as the rock-hard organ, blissful expression, and developing tightness around him simultaneously rushed toward cum spurting over Skwisgaar's torso. Losing restraint with that, Toki left half-moons on Skwisgaar's hips as his spine bent forward.

He collapsed beside Skwisgaar afterward, clumsily groping for the blanket. “Yous gonna sleep in you own bed?”

“I sees if I can works my way up to it.”

He didn't though, and Toki didn't mind in the least. Habitually gravitating toward a warm body back then, Toki wished he could do the same in his hotel in Stockholm. He had nothing but chimeras to keep him preoccupied, though; pathetically, a pillow would have to suffice, as placeholder.


	7. On the Road

 

Waking up first the morning after in Chicago offered Toki what he perceived as the only moment to legitimately enjoy Skwisgaar's company, before consequence took hold. The scent of sex lingered, as did its mark on the older man; a casually strewn blanket revealed minute bruising on his hips. Toki didn't think he'd treated Skwisgaar that roughly, but then again, Skwisgaar _did_ mark up rather easily.

Could they run forever? What would happen, if they never went home? Reservation initially plagued Toki regarding their adventure, but now he feared more what transpired when they rolled back up to Mordhaus. He didn't care if they got in trouble, but what came of them? Could they really pretend that none of this happened? Could they ignore how a single night changed them so irreversibly, not just in how they interacted but how they stood as people? Just in case not, Toki gravitated toward the other side of the bed. He slipped his arm carefully as possible beneath Skwisgaar's pillow and rested his chin on the man's shoulder. Certain he couldn't get away with it once Skwisgaar roused, Toki took the opportunity to nestle his nose in Skwisgaar's hair. A kiss to the ear prompted a sigh and shift.

Gritty sleep caked the corners of Skwisgaar's eyes, but that didn't make them any less captivating when they opened. This close and in proper light, Toki could appreciate how darker hair emphasized their bold shade. He'd never noticed before that a thin ring of gold surrounded the pupils.

“Tells me to back off and I will.”

“You ams pretty warm.” Despite that, Skwisgaar touched Toki's hip when he poised to move. “When ams check-out?”

“In like forty-five minutes, or something.” Toki yawned; only five hours of rest after such an exhausting night discouraged him from keeping his eyes open. “I woulds almost be willing to pays for another night, just to get some more rest, but I thinks we should probably move on.”

“I'll drives forst for a while, if you wants to sleep,” Skwisgaar offered. “But I wanteds to head downtown fors a minute or two.”

“What fors?”

“Alexis gaves to me her address. I wants to get some stuffs off her.”

Shrugging it off, Toki let unspoken comfort between them fend for itself as he rose to wash up. Skwisgaar ambled into the bathroom toward the end of his shower and still remained before the mirror when Toki stepped out. Keeping an eye on their reflections, he leaned up to kiss a pale cheek. “This is okay, rights?”

“Anyt'ing am okay, so longs as we am on de road.”

“Whats we gonna do if we goes back?”

“'If'?”

“When, thens,” Toki corrected himself. “Whats we gonna do?”

Skwisgaar hesitated, then returned to brushing his hair. “Let's us not talks about dat, ja? It only make t'ing complicateds.”

“Why, because you's expecting us just to drops everything?”

“And you ams expecking us to be like dis when we Skwisgaar Skwigelf and Toki Wartooths again?”

“We're still Skwisgaar and Toki rights now,” Toki pressed.

“You amn'ts going to be one of dem people what t'ink we has to automaticsly be toget'er after we fuck, ams you?”

“It don'ts got to means that we goings to be together or that we likes each other that way, but it gots to mean _something_. Is confusing to me, otherwise. Why you wants to fuck me? Was it just the drugs?”

“Partlys.” Skwisgaar headed back into the main room, in search for a shirt. “Littles bit of curiosity, and I likes you better out on de road dan backs home. Don'ts have to gives you crap about playings de guitar all sloppies or nots prackicing enoughs. You ams a good kid, ot'erwise.”

“I's not a kid, I's thirty-one,” Toki huffed.

“Whatevers, you know what I means.” Skwisgaar rifled through the plastic bags. “Admits it, you feels de same way. I nots on your case about de band, and you was a bits curious too abouts what fuckings me would be like. Ot'erwise, you wouldn'ts has done it.”

“Maybes I was just takings advantage of you.” Mad, Toki took up the brush and sat with his back to the other man. “Why would someones like you ever be anything mores than a fuck? You would haves to be so narcissistic, assumings I think more abouts us. Fucking so many peoples has fragmenteds you beyond fixing, and Toki don'ts got the time to trys and put you back together.”

“ _Pff_ , fucks you.” Skwisgaar flicked his ear on his way back to the bathroom. “Be grumpy, den. It amn'ts no loss to me.”

Reciprocated callousness impelled Toki to silently stew as they packed their things back into the Mustang and handed the room key in. The passenger seat offered him prime view of Skwisgaar causing the woman behind the counter to blush. Toki rolled his eyes. Was this Skwisgaar's attempt at inciting jealousy? Or did he merely play his never-ending game?

Mechanically, in Stockholm, Toki dialled out the number to the cell phone he'd purchased not long ago for his mother. She still hadn't grown used to it, meaning she tended to leave it in innocuous places and put herself out of contact. Just as he began mentally preparing for the message he'd leave, the ringing cut off. “Hello?”

“Hi, Mor.” Toki slipped back into his native dialect. “It's Toki.”

“I didn't expect you to call for at least a couple more hours. Are you already done?”

“Not yet, no. I need to go back, after lunch. Hey. . .” Upon departure from home on Friday morning, Toki adamantly refused his mother's offer to accompany him to Stockholm. He wanted to prove that he could handle this all on his own. However, fending off a panic attack as he struggled with opposing opinions about Skwisgaar, not to mention hearing that his best friend might be pregnant, overwhelmed him. He couldn't relax, either; only an hour remained until he needed to head back to court. “What would you think about coming to Stockholm? There's not much for company, around here. Charles is busy, and the guys have been partying non-stop.”

“Of course. I'll come as soon as I can. I might need to wait until tomorrow, since there's a snowstorm brewing near the border.” 

“Ask 2137 to drive you to Oslo. The roads are probably bad.”

“I'm certain I can handle it myself.”

“Mor, _no_. You've already been off the road once, this winter.”

“That was a bank, and a reindeer stepped out in front of me.”

“We're not arguing about this.”

A sigh brushed her phone's mouthpiece. “Very well.”

“Thank you.”

“So how're you doing, anyway?”

“Okay.” Toki couldn't go into specifics at all, with her. As much time as they'd spent together lately, he had yet to tell her anything beyond the necessities about his and Skwisgaar's road trip. She had no idea that her son was a murderer, or that he was stupidly-in-love with another man. Her ignorance upon update of his physical health was bad enough; she suspected homosexuality as soon as he mentioned HIV, although Toki denied the allegation rather than take the opportunity to explain how his truth differed from statistics of eras past. Then, the diagnosis regarding his mental health had her initially convinced a demon or two called her son home. “Ready to get back. I was hoping I'd get a lot further than I did this morning. I wanted to be done by eleven and heading for the airport by noon.”

“It'll only take as long as its meant to. Did you get a chance to speak with your lawyer, yet?”

“Ja, but Mor, he isn't going to tell me anything.” On a personal note similar to Abigail, Anja wished to know Skwisgaar's motivation. She and Serveta, due to their geographical proximity and willful sons as common ground, corresponded once Aslaug's death allowed his widow the freedom to pursue friendship outside their tight social circle. “And I don't think anyone's going to say, even _after_ the trial is over. You might just have to be satisfied with the fact that it simply _is_.”

“It's never like that. How would something that complicated have such a lacking explanation?”

_Said a religious woman_ , Toki thought. “If I find out I'll tell you, but I'm getting sick of everyone thinking  _I_ know something. Why am I all of a sudden the expert on Skwisgaar? We aren't friends anymore, and I haven't seen him in seven months. Him killing his mom surprised me just as much as everyone else. Even more, maybe.” 

In Chicago, a lighter clicked as Toki and Skwisgaar shot down the Kennedy Expressway. After successfully merging, Skwisgaar drove one-handed as he took his next drag of the day. Still irritated, Toki feigned slumber; his nose twitched as some smoke failed to escape the window, and his fingers tensed whenever a vehicle barrelled past on his side. At some point he managed to actually drift off, for the bustling interstate dissipated far too quickly for real time to contend with. While he could still hear traffic at a distance, the Mustang situated on a dirt road, obscured by trees when he peered around.

“Where ares we?” He rubbed his eyes.

“Just crossed intos Wisconsin.” Skwisgaar rolled his window down, inviting a breeze to help the shade cool them. A reach under his seat fetched a sandwich bag containing a small pipe and pouch of off-white crystal.

“You gonna smokes that right now?”

“I beens waiting since we left Chicago, so shuts up.”

“Whatsever. I gots to pee.”

Dethklok's long-standing history of drug use meant Toki saw the other man smoke countless bowls, as well as tarry substance from tin foil. The pipe was new, and maybe that contributed to why he couldn't face it right now. He'd removed his seatbelt and beelined for the nearest tree before Skwisgaar so much as broke the zipper seal. How could it be that, just a few hours ago, Toki considered staying on the run with this person? They'd only made it three nights before their ongoing enmity caught up to them. Maybe they ought to stop in the next town and give themselves up. Skwisgaar ran away from the murder he committed, yes, but they very well might be rushing toward another one, depending on who got fed up quicker.

Toki wandered over toward the edge of a vast field, in order to give Skwisgaar all the time he needed to take a hit. Upon return, he found the other man out of the car and sifting through all their stuff in the trunk. “What you doings?”

“Just reorganizings a bit. I t'ink I coulds feel dat everyt'ing was lopsides when we was drivings. Might helps de mileage.”

Toki shrugged. Who cared? Maybe like interest in him, attentiveness toward something so trivial came with the ingested stimulant. “Where ares the keys? I mights as well drive for a bit, if you high. Can'ts afford to get pulleds over like that.”

“Ins de ignition.”

How should Toki approach Skwisgaar about potentially ending their trip? As he watched the man through the rearview and side mirrors, he realized he didn't actually know how long a meth high lasted. It didn't seem to hold much effect; when the trunk closed and Skwisgaar slid the passenger seat back enough to accommodate his legs, he'd merely adjusted to a better mood. Toki didn't have to say anything—nor could he get a word in. The entire way to and through Madison, Skwisgaar babbled on about anything and everything. Only when they crossed the Wisconsin River did the chatterbox take a breather.

“I hasn'ts even been able to hear myself think for the last couple hours,” Toki broke the silence.

“What you gots to t'ink about anyway, ah?” Animation denoted lingering agreeability. “Dis am Wisconsin. You've hord de story. Dere am not'ing here but Christian rocks band, cows, and. . .meth, I guess.”

“If we's going to starts getting on each other's nerves, maybe we should calls an end to all this. It won'ts be any fun if we argues the whole way.”

“Ams you mad about dis morning?”

“Kinds of. And befores you even says it again, it isn'ts like because Toki put his dick in you, he wants you to be his boyfriends. I just don'ts get how you think we goings to go home and none of this is goings to matter. Is it just thats last night wasn'ts a new thing for you? You mentioneds being gangbanged, before.”

“Dere amn'ts many kind of sex what am unfamiliars to me,” Skwisgaar stated. “I underskand dat maybes you am in a different headspace, since dat _was_ de forst time you evers go to an orgy, ja?”

“The orgy was new, fuckings a guy was new, and fucking someone I for some reasons considers a friend was new.”

“It am easier dan you t'ink. You agrees dat we does whatever we wants on de road, den cuts it out when we get home, ja? By den, you woulds has probably fucks me and ot'er people enoughs for nones of it to be a big deal at alls.”

“I's gonna fuck you more?” Toki raised an eyebrow.

“If you wants. I gots no opposiskins to it. We amn'ts gonna be luckies enough to find a parties like dat every night. I mights need to relies on you.”

Toki scoffed. “I'm nots your sex slave what's gonna fucks you at every becks and call.”

“Dat amn'ts what I'm sayings. Odins, Toki, just accepts dat dese kind of t'ing _happen_. I don'ts get horny on a schedule, and I nots gonna make you do not'ings if you don'ts want to. I cans always buy a hooker if I gets _dat_ desperate. Odin.”

“Nice to knows I's that easy for you to glances over.”

“Who saids anyt'ing about dat? Quit spinning de t'ing I say.”

“It sound to me like thats is what you saying.” Toki rubbed his temple, leaned against the door. “Whatsever, Skwisgaar. This what I mean about thing gettings complicated. I gots feelings, you know. Maybe isn'ts metal to say that, but you nots just gonna walks all over them. I's not a toy.”

“Does you t'ink I tellings you ja, Toki, I'ms just goings to crawl into you bed every time likes I did last night?”

“Pretties much.”

“Den whats if I did somet'ing what would onlies be for you, and nots for me?”

Goddamn it. Toki hated this man for so successfully maneuvering the barricades he set up to avoid sinking too deeply. He gauged Skwisgaar's sincerity, then shortly sighed. “Likes what?”

Skwisgaar undid his seatbelt with a surreptitious glance around for police cars. A reach down below the front of the driver seat resulted in a dip in speed, as Toki slid back. “Puts on de cruise control, and fors de love of Odin, don't hits no potholes or rear-ends anyone.”

For having happened nine and a half months ago and so far away, past and present states of utmost sobriety allowed perfect recollection of deft fingers and big lips quickly drawing blood between his legs. The thrill caused a grin, then; now, in Stockholm, Toki lost the battle against keeping Skwisgaar out of his mind through boredom. Shaky hands removed his pants to avoid dirtying them. He laid back and let his head loll freely on the pillow as he recalled the feel of hair wrapped around his fingers, and of trying not to make eye contact with anyone that might come up beside him on the I-90.

“Goods?” Skwisgaar asked afterward, in Wisconsin. Buckled back in, he fixed his ruffled appearance in the visor mirror. A silver Marlboro pervaded the air, its ghost projecting forward to where Toki laid equally wrecked on his Stockholm hotel bed.

 


	8. Northwest

Closer to the Minnesota border than Pickles' hometown, Toki didn't find Wisconsin nearly as bad as Pickles would otherwise assert. Reaching some form of peace agreement with Skwisgaar resulted in a calm drive into Tomah, where they got some gas and pizza, then decided to let the engine rest while they looked out over the lake. Kids went about their afternoons on all sides of them; the younger ones stayed up at the playground, while a couple closer to school age were monitored by their parents as they threw rocks off the dock.

Originally Toki resumed the driver's seat to eat, but after walking around Winnebago Park in order to stretch his legs, he joined Skwisgaar up on the hood. The man had unraveled every map they bought at the gas station, to examine. “So we gots a couple choice abouts how we carrys on from here. We coulds eit'er heads right west, or keeps going northwest. Amn'ts much a difference in how long it would takes us to get to Portland. Whats you t'ink?”

“Shows me the roads.”

Skwisgaar shifted closer so that the map of America fell over both their knees. “We goes through eit'er North or South Dakota. Both way cans come to dis place called Billings, in Montana. De choice am whet'ers we wants to go through Minneapolis for de more scenic route, or just head straights through all de grass.”

“Scenic route,” was a no-brainer to Toki. Due to Skwisgaar's recent good behaviour, he wished again to stretch this out as long as possible.

“Me and de ot'er guys droves through here, years ago. Amn'ts much to see fors a while.” Doing his best, Skwisgaar followed the creases to refold the map. “We mights as well drive straight through to Billings, ja? Ams anot'er thousand miles, but it really _wills_ be boring for de lookings around. Is goods to gets as far away from Mordhaus as quicklies as possible after stayings in Chicago so long, too.”

“And whose idea was thats?” Toki nudged him.

“ _Pff_ , you coulds has pulled me out of dere anytimes you wanteds.”

“Hardlies! I trieds and you drags me rights back in.”

Skwisgaar sighed dramatically. “Whatsever Toki, I amn'ts gonna argues dis wit' you. Let's hits de road.”

“I wants to eat more pizza first.”

“Can'ts you do dat in de car?”

“Maybes I likes to look at the water.” In order to get his way, Toki leaned back against the windshield.

“Why does everyt'ing have to be a fights wit' you?” Skwisgaar moved around to Toki's side of the car and tugged for him to get off the hood. Resistance started off as fun, but Toki scowled when his pizza was yanked from his grip and thrown onto the pavement.

“Hey, what's you do that for?” Toki shoved him away. “God, how can one person be so fuckings annoying?”

“We don'ts have all de time in de world to sits around. Gets in de car.”

“Screws you, Skwisgaar! Is likes the only time I can stands you is when you's high. You wants to hit the road so bad, then goes ahead. Leaves me here and I'll calls Charles to come get me. Woulds that make you happy?”

“ _Pff_ , you can'ts go home. I calls your bluff.”

“I cans, and I will. I only cames along for the ride, but if you goings to act like this all day everydays, then fucks you.” Foregoing the car completely, Toki marched in general direction back toward town. Stupid asshole; why did Toki try to fool himself that he could sit in a car with Skwisgaar for so long? How did he even make it thirteen-hundred miles in the first place? He must deserve a medal.

“Holies Toki, ams you going to throw dat bigs a fit over a piece of pizza?” Skwisgaar called to his retreating back. When Toki didn't reply, he added, “Hey, waits!”

“No, I's had it. There's only so much that Toki—don'ts fucking touch me!” Toki ripped his elbow from Skwisgaar's grip. “I thoughts not beings ourselves might mean you mores tolerable to be's around. So much for that.”

“Holds on, I. . .I apolgesacs.” The word came with a struggle. “Don'ts go, okay? I can'ts do dis alone.”

“Then maybes you should thinks about that before you starts acting like a fuckings dildo jack-off douchebag!”

“Just stops walking and lets me say I'm sorries.” Already, Skwisgaar lost his breath in keeping up. Sparing no kindness, Toki held pace.

“You's never going to change, so don'ts bother. You'll say you sorry, then ten minutes down the road you's going to starts acting like your usual dickhead selfs. Is too bad, because this is reallies fun when you beings nice.”

“So den you don'ts really want to go home, rights?”

“I does now!”

“Whats if I promise nots to be an asshole?”

“Makes all the promises you like. You aren'ts going to keep them.”

“Toki, just quits it!” Skwisgaar's hands clenched around one of Toki's wrists, feet digging into the grass. “Stops walking and we talks about dis!”

“The only reason you wanteds me to come in the first place is because Pickle, Moidaface, and Nathans aren't stupids enough.” Although he shouldn't, Toki allowed his forward momentum to end. “Damn it Skwisgaar, you's _always_ getting me in trouble! I shoulds has mades you go home when we was stills in Mordland. This is _stupids_ , runnings across the country, and everyones is probably worried sicks about us.”

“Fucks dem! When's de last time _dey_ kill someone, ah? Dey don'ts fucking get it, but _you_ does, right?”

Skwisgaar chewed on his thumbnail, eyes wide, imploring, and desperate. Toki could see his point, whether or not it stemmed from manipulation. Something inside died when taking another's life, and Toki too did his best to escape facing that, when it happened. At least _he_ didn't experience the devastation of hurting someone he personally knew.

“Let's me put it to you straight, Skwigelf.” Toki poked him in the chest. “If Toki's coming, you's going to start actings a little bit more appreciative. I really _don'ts_ have to go with you. I only dids for the fun of it. As soon as that dry up, I's gone. And nothing will ends that for me faster than you beings a prick. You gots it?”

Skwisgaar nodded, lips pursing the way they always did when he refrained from saying something. Rather than indulge himself, Skwisgaar grazed his hand against Toki's forearm as they started back toward the car. “T'anks you.”

“Whatsever. You nots completely off the hook, so we see whats you decide to do with your last chance.”

While clear skies geared to lead them through to Minnesota back in April, a grey ceiling lingered over Stockholm as Toki and Charles rode the elevator down to the hotel garage a little after twelve-thirty. Feeling particularly empty in the wake of anxiety and orgasm, Toki looked straight through his lawyer when they came face to face again on the courtroom floor.

“What happened, after you and the defendant had sex in your Chicago motel room?”

“We lefts the next morning.” Toki suppressed burning cheeks for reminder of that fact. Despite the impossibility, he'd grown up believing that God could see him jack off. The judges listening to him gave similar impression. “Skwisgaar bought some meth off Alexis downtown, and we headeds north, toward Wisconsin. From theres, through Minneapolis toward Billings, in Montana. We decideds that to be our next goal to reach.”

Skwisgaar spoke nary a word until they entered the city limits of Saint Cloud. “Ams you getting hungry?”

“I coulds eat, seeing as how _someones_ threw my lunch on the ground.”

“Hey, ifs _I_ gots to watch my tongue, so does you,” Skwisgaar snapped. “I apolgesacs fifty times already. Just takes it and moves on.”

“I will accepts your sorries when I's ready to.”

A scoff preceded crossed arms. “Maybe you _shoulds_ go home.”

“Watch what you say, it mights come true. Unlikes you, _I_ cans call bluffs. You don'ts really want Toki to leave, so sucks it up, princess.”

Skwisgaar muttered something under his breath, but otherwise silence indicated concession. Only on the exit ramp did he clear his throat. “Does you feel like sittings in a restaurant? I woulds rat'er goes t'rough a drives-thru.”

“I's tired of fast food, for now.” Toki contended for the sake of it, testing Skwisgaar further on his promise toward affability. He noted a shrug out of the corner of his eye, which satisfied him enough to pull up to Dimmu Burger rather than an establishment of higher standard. That put Skwisgaar through his paces even more, Toki reasoned; it'd take more will power not to question or gloat about the younger man's compliance. With the next thing Skwisgaar said being a suggestion that they stop outside a place called Melrose to clean the trash out of the car, Toki felt satisfied that authority regarding their trip weighed mainly in his favour.

They switched seats, Toki stretching on the passenger side. “Wakes me up when we gets to the next state. I's gonna nap.”

When Skwisgaar shook his shoulder, it came with a new apology. “I t'ink I miss de sign dat we makes it to Nort' Dakota. Apparentlies we beens here for an hour, or so.”

“Hm.” No variation in terrain showed on either side of a pin-straight highway, and the only things interrupting the fields were fences and an odd gathering of trees. “Wowie, you weren'ts joking about how horribles this place is. If I grews up here, I woulds has killed myself already.”

Laughter on Skwisgaar's part cracked the tension between them. “Ja, ands we thought Swedens and Norway was borings. Imagine nots even having mountain to looks at, and beings force out of beds by your dad every morning at four o'clocks so dat you can go feeds chicken and gets peck for takings deir eggs away.”

“My dads did, anyway. Uh, nots the chicken part. But I hads to get up pretty early somedays to pray and starts my chores.”

“I guess Norway am still borings,” Skwisgaar retracted his previous statement. “Ugh, makings you pray, everyday. Ams almost as bads as de chores.”

“I didn'ts mind the chores, and I likeds to pray too. I believeds in God, when I was littles. Sometimes I still likes to think that the reason I managed to escapes that place and makes it all the way to Florida was because he finally listeneds to me.”

“Dat ams what you prayeds for?”

Toki nodded. “I starteds getting really unhappys there after my twelfth birthday, or so. I hits my growth spurt and Mor and Far thoughts I would starts looking at all the ladies so they gots even stricter abouts what I coulds and couldn't does. In hindsights, they didn'ts know I lookeds at dudes too, but I was so scareds that God would see my thoughts and somehow tells my father. So I asked Him to eithers give me the strength to stays chaste, or else to leaves.”

“I guess dat's. . .huh.” Skwisgaar adjusted his visor to better block the sun ahead. “You nevers told me dat.”

“How coulds I? Nevers knew you fuckeds dudes until last night.”

“Nows dat I'm sober, I kinds of wish you founds dat out a differents way. My ass shore hort today, oogh.”

Toki could tell, by how gingerly he moved. “Can I tells you something else?”

“Goes ahead.”

“I mights has looked at dudes when I was in Norway, and alongs the way across the ocean, but the first time I forgots to breathe because of someone was whens I saw you.” Turning awkward under Skwisgaar's gaze, Toki concentrated on a barn in the distance. “Your personality for the most parts has puts that in check, though.”

“'For de most part'?”

“There are others contributing factor. You's too nit-picky and your mood switch more thans anyone else I's ever met. I coulds never be valued more than your guitar.” Toki chuckled mirthlessly. “I's a bit too old for romantics, whether that mean the love kind or whens you idealize everything.”

“Sounds to me likes you am more cynicals, dan old.”

“You goings to argue? Really?”

“Just makings an obsorvation.” Skwisgaar's attention became steadier on the road. “I nevers knew any of dat. Usually it just seem like you hates everyt'ing to does wit' me.”

“I's just not scareds to call you out on your bullshits.”

“Ja.”

“You nots gonna lets that make thing weird, are you?”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “I ams flattered dat you finds me attractive, but I agrees dat a t'ing like dat wouldn'ts work out. We can hardlies manage beings friendly unto one another, or gets along as bandmates.”

“ _Founds_ you attractive,” Toki stated. “It was in the past.”

“So you don'ts have to be attracksted to me to fucks me?”

“Guess not.” Resting his forehead against the window, Toki wrestled down rearing dejection. For denouncing starry-eyed pipe dreams, mutual agreement toward the impossibility of transgressing sparks hurt more than it had the right to. “You beings a good looking guy gots nothing to do with attractions. I prefers a nice personality.”

“ _Likes Caroline, ja?”_ Skwisgaar didn't really say it, but Toki heard the repudiation inside his own head. In truth, some parts of him were still very much attracted to the older man. Toki hated lack of control over it, especially since he couldn't pinpoint what, exactly, he held onto.

To escape anymore hurtful or potentially awkward conversation, Toki feigned sleep until they reached the small city of Jamestown, to switch seats again. In the pullout, Skwisgaar yawned and stretched toward the sky, fingers entwined. “Hey.”

Toki hesitated with his hand on the driver's door.

“I means it when I say dat I appreskate you comings along wit' me. I knows you don'ts have to, and dat I'ms a handful on a goods day. So t'anks you.”

Self-deprecation brought a smile out of Toki. “This _is_ fun when you beings decent. Keeps it up, ja?”

“Shore.” Situated against the vehicle, all that separated them was the side-view mirror. Skwisgaar peered up at a couple stars poking through clouds, unaware of the anxiety toiling away beside him.

Toki hesitated. “You saids this morning that so longs as we on the road, anythings is okay. That still true?”

“I don't sees why not. Whats you t'inking?”

Toki inwardly cringed when his gaze dropped by its own accord to large lips. Did Skwisgaar notice? Whether he did or not, no protest or deflection made itself known. Having to test the waters anyway, Toki traversed the space between them and ran his fingertips over the older man's arm. When the courage came to investigate Skwisgaar's standing on such contact, he swallowed the rest of his fear. “I talks about liking personalities, and when you's nice, you gots a good one.”

“T'anks you.”

A smile and absent spurn allowed Toki to lean up. This road trip might be his only chance to obtain something resembling love from Skwisgaar, even if obstinate feelings merely set him up for disappointment. Maybe he should adopt the suggested frame of mind, toward the inevitability of home; instead of dwelling, forget. Forget that Mordhaus lingered to the east, and that he and Skwisgaar's respective damages would never allow something beautiful to flourish. Then again, why couldn't _this_ have meaning? Why did reciprocated affection and hands on Toki's waist have to be substandard? Something _had_ to exist, when this became possible outside their usual life. Even if only a shadow of what Toki yearned for, he should be happy that Skwisgaar let him exercise his fondness thusly.

“Why ams you so norvous wit' me, ah?” Skwisgaar asked as the vehicle plateaued at the speed limit.

“Isn'ts it obvious?” Toki couldn't even look the other man in the eye when their lips had broken apart. “You gots way too much power over me.”

Rather than earn teasing, Toki started at pressure above his knee; Skwisgaar's hand rested there. “Den I takes it responsiblies.”

“At what time did you arrive in Billings?” Charles asked, in Stockholm.

“About four in the mornings. We decideds to stay there untils the next day so thats we wouldn'ts have paid for a motel rooms for nothing.”

“And you ran into someone you knew there, correct?”

Toki nodded, lips tight. “Whens we went out for lunch. I never thoughts I would have the displeasure of seeings that asshole ever again.” 


	9. Ludwig

With the sun now risen over the Treasure State, Toki experienced rightful disappointment that they hadn't yet left the Northern Plains. He gazed at the scanty hills surrounding Billings outside the motel room, while Skwisgaar started his day with a cigarette.

“Since we needs to t'ink mores about money,” Skwisgaar broke the silence, “how opposed woulds you be if I boughts a shitty guitar at a pawn shop?”

“Financiallys I don'ts really care, but I don'ts wants to listen to you playings all the times.”

“Whats if I was considerates about it? It ams more abouts having somet'ing to do dan prackicing.”

Totally empathetic toward how boring the car could get, Toki nodded. “Maybes wouldn'ts mind getting something for myself.”

“You wouldn'ts want to plays de guitar?”

“Why woulds we both buy one, if I did?” Toki sidled up to the older man. “Wouldn'ts make much sense, ja?”

“What woulds you buy?”

“Don'ts know. Gots to see what's there, and all that.” Courteous conduct on Skwisgaar's part heightened Toki's captivation threefold overnight. He saw every hour, due to how often he woke up to peer over at the other bed. As gratifying physical interaction with Skwisgaar was, Toki treasured these moments far more; anyone could sleep with Skwisgaar, but who did the man let get this close without that potential outcome? As result, Toki resisted the urge to kiss him when given a permissive glance. “Whats you think about finding some food, first?”

“I coulds get behind dat.” Declination made Skwisgaar awkward. More than likely Toki emanated mixed signals after his confession back in North Dakota, but the upper hand supplied a giddy little thrill. “Really wouldn'ts mind somet'ing subskantials for breakfast. My stomach am a little upset after all de heinkeboigers.”

“Sure. If you nots feeling good, maybes we buy some of that pink shits?” Toki grazed his fingers over Skwisgaar's stomach on his way back into the room. While he waited for the other man to match his level of readiness toward venturing out, he checked if Charles made a press release about their disappearance yet.

Skwisgaar gathered some clothes from the duffel bag he'd bought for himself in Fargo. “Anyt'ing?”

“Can'ts find it if there is.”

“Outs of all de place we coulds be, what numbers on de list do you t'ink am dis city?” Rather than head in for the shower, Skwisgaar took a seat close enough for their hips to touch. Nice try; Toki could see from a mile away what he attempted. Skwisgaar never _could_ stand being ignored, to whatever degree. “We ams, what? Nearlies twenty-five hundred miles away from Mordhaus, now?” 

“Arounds there.” Still, Toki wouldn't crack. “Ands in the middle of nowheres, far as I's concerned.”

“You know whats would be crazy?”

“What?”

“If we gots fake ID, settleds down here, and saw how long it take for Charles to find us.”

Toki scoffed. “Ja, that  _woulds_ be crazy.” 

“As I recall, its was _your_ idea to possiblies not go back.” 

“When dids I ever suggest that?”

“Yesterday, in Chicago. Wonderings what we gonnas do _if_ we go home.” Skwisgaar laid back, propped up on his elbows. “Let's skip de possibility entirelys and just _nots_.” 

“Uhh. . .” Rather than grow excited at the prospect, as Toki assumed he would if the suggestion arose, he only swallowed his anxiety. “Maybes you should go haves your shower now, so we cans head to the restaurant.”

No way would Skwisgaar  _ever_ so easily ditch his position as lead guitarist of Dethklok. Why else would he say that, then? All Toki could surmise was the challenge of getting into his pants. Surely, Skwisgaar would twist  _anything_ to get his way. Offended that Skwisgaar perverted his infatuation against him, Toki spoke only when necessary on their walk down the street. He stared into his coffee after they picked a place, and shifted his legs as necessary to thwart not-so-accidental contact between them and Skwisgaar's feet. 

“Cans you quit that?” Finally fed up, Toki rebuffed his advances with a kick.

“Ow, dat was my shin!” Skwisgaar shot up on his side of the bench. “Fine, be dat way. Odin, you ams as tempkramentals as a lady on her period todays. What de hell ams wrong wit' you?”

“I's not tempspermentals, _you_ are,” Toki shot back. “I's sorry, though—” 

“Screws you. I don'ts got de energy for someone so hots and colds, espesklies when I stucks way out here wit' dem. Lets me know when you backs to normal.”

Toki deflated along with his dignity. Whatever Skwisgaar's intentions, he didn't deserve physical harm. Toki kept his gaze down as his plate arrived, glancing up as frequently as he could get away with. When he couldn't stand it any longer, he cleared his throat. “I really am sorries. I didn'ts mean to hurt you, Skwis.”

“What de hell happen, anyway? Why ams you such a jerk, all de suddens?”

“I don'ts really feel like explainings it.”

“Whatevers, den. Keeps you apolgesac.”

With embarrassment or lonesomeness as his choices, Toki had to choose carefully. He hated how even with reservation toward Skwisgaar he couldn't resist catering to his emotional needs. “Why woulds you suggest that we nots go home?”

“Does it even fuckings matter, now?”

“Skwis, just answers the question, please.”

“Why woulds _you_ suggest it?” Skwisgaar turned it around. “Coulds it possiblies be dat maybes I'ms enjoyings myself? Coulds dat evens occurs to you?” 

“I could sees for like a week or two, but indefinitlies? Since when doesn'ts you want to be in Dethklok no mores?”

“Who saids I didn'ts? De band will nevers be de band wit'out us, so dey ams going to catches up to us evenskallies. It ams just a game. What ams de big deal? Why woulds dat make you so pissy?”

“Thats is the parts I woulds rather not discuss.”

“Fines.” Skwisgaar dabbed the corners of his mouth with a napkin. “Be dat way. Pardons me, I needs to go to de restroom.”

Face long, Toki stirred his cooling coffee. Couldn't Skwisgaar just understand? Toki already spilled his guts once, he didn't need to do it again. If Skwisgaar would sit still long enough, maybe they could maneuver around that.

The restaurant door slammed open hard enough to bounce off the wall, admitting a group of guffawing teenagers. No—men. Their voices were too deep to belong to kids. Annoyed, Toki looked up. Then, with all the colour draining from his face, he fought the urge to drop under the table. He obscured his eyes as alternative.  _No_ . All the way out here? 

“Who was it?” Charles inquired when Toki's expression contorted into an unintended sneer.

“Pardons my language as I describes this guy. He was a totals asswipe dildo jack-off tits jerk douchebag. If Skwisgaar ever wanteds to up the ante on beings a dick, he woulds treat this guy likes his hero. His name was Ludwig Wikinger, and I mets him quite a few summers ago now, at the Rock-A-Roonie Fantasy Camp.”

“What happened, there?”

“He nearlies _killed_ me. I's diabetics, and he shoveds a whole bunch of cake down my throats. Then he broke something that was reallies important to me. He was just a miserables son of a bitch. I _knew_ when Skwisgaar mentioneds we shoulds go to Billings that that name was familiars to me. And thats was why—I heards Ludwig braggings all the time abouts how much moneys his family had, and how he skinneds a bear to makes his ugly vest.” 

Thankfully unnoticed, Toki's heart rate somewhat resembled normal as Ludwig and his buddies chose to frequent a booth a couple down the line. How could they  _possibly_ exist in the same building right now? Fuck, fuck, fuck. . .

Skwisgaar slid back into his seat with a huff. “Cans you believe dem dildos? I coulds hear dem clear as day in de bat'room.”

“We knows that guy.”

“We does?”

“Don't look!” Toki whispered roughly when Skwisgaar made to peer over his seat. “He was ats Rock-A-Roonie withs me. He brokes my snow globe.”

“Hey douchebag,” Ludwig's deep voice resonated through the building as he addressed one of his friends, “pick up my spoon, you know my hand's shit for it.”

“Fuck you—ow!” More guffawing. “Why'd you kick me in the fucking face?”

“Unleash the viking!” Every occupant in the restaurant pulled a face of disgust. The waitress approached with her lips pursed, but was cut off mid-request to lower their volume. “Whatever lady, bring us some coffee.”

“I t'inks I remember him.” Skwisgaar rolled his eyes. “Blond, right? T'inks he ams God's gift to de instrument?”

“Meaners than you, amazingsly.”

“I'ms not goings to dignify dat wit' a response. You readies to leave, or whats?”

“Ifs we can sneaks out, ja.”

Toki shook as he rose. Just like that, he retreated to the nervous mentality Ludwig evoked during his reign of terror. He concentrated on beelining past, gaze stuck to the cash register by the door. Unfortunately, he didn't see the piece of cutlery that neither Ludwig's friend or the waitress managed to pick up.

His diaphragm stuck as he slid flat onto his back. Guffawing turned his face red, then fear of recognition compelled him to rush back upright. Skwisgaar helped by brushing some dirt off his shirt. “Ams you okay?”

“Let's just gets out of here,” Toki wheezed. As much as he'd love to pull Ludwig out of the booth by his hair and snap off the gimpy remnants of his left hand, Toki clenched his fists and leaned against the wall outside while Skwisgaar footed their bill. The man defied the expectation for further teasing by standing before Toki with crossed arms and a contemplative expression.

“I hopes you amn'ts going to takes dat to heart,” he eventually stated, still stiff thanks to their earlier dispute. “You wants to get back to de motel, or dids you want to explore?”

“I don'ts really care—”

They both started as the restaurant door yanked open again. Much to Toki's dismay, Ludwig emerged on his lonesome. Toki cringed prematurely, bracing for a long-awaited, well-deserved beating.

“Skwisgaar Skwigelf, what the fuck're you doing in Montana?” Ludwig's gaze shifted to Toki, mouth widening into a cruel smile. “Oh and look, the diabetic tattletale. Thought I recognized you. What a clumsy faggot, huh Skwisgaar?”

The cold manner in which Skwisgaar regarded their intruder almost— _almost—_ made Toki feel embarrassed for the pathetic attempt to impress. What he'd give, to clock this jackass a good one square in the face. “I t'inks you am mistaken about who we ams.” 

“Don't even try that. I don't give a shit about _him_ , he's only trouble.” Ludwig glowered at Toki. “But you and me, we're so alike. Well, we were, until this tattletale made it so that I can't play guitar anymore. . .” 

He slipped his left hand deeper into his vest pocket. “So what do you say? There's a bar called Wooden Pints on thirteenth. My cousin owns it, and he'll give us as many free drinks as we want. No tattletales allowed. We'll meet there at ten?”

“Hm. Shore.”

Toki had no idea how to fathom the degree of betrayal the older man just committed. When they rounded the corner, he shook Skwisgaar's hand off his shoulder. “What the fucks is wrong with you? You aren'ts  _really_ going to hangs out with that bully?”

“ _Pff_ , you jokings? I wouldn'ts be caughts in de same _town_ as dat joke, if I didn'ts have de choice rights now.” Skwisgaar scoffed. “You watch him tonights, he ams going to tell all he friend dat I ams going to be dere, and den he wills be all embarrassed.” 

“Goods for him.” Embarrassment didn't seem _nearly_ a bad enough punishment for all the bullshit Ludwig subjected Toki to. “And goods for you. Why don'ts you just go? Maybes you two deserve each other.” 

Skwisgaar jabbed Toki in the arm. “What de hells does you want me to  _do?_ Fucking hells Toki, I'ms on your side in dis and dat amn'ts good enough? Fucks  _you_ .” 

Okay, maybe Toki owed the older man a little more than a complete write-off. “Skwisgaar—”

“No, I's hads it up to here—” Skwisgaar held his flattened hand against his forehead, “—wit' you today. I ams goings to take de high road by nots goings tonight to spites you, so I hopes you can appreskate at least dat. But I stills don't wants you talkings to me until you'ves wiped all de blood out of you panties. Maybes we stop at de drug store on de way back to de motel and picks up a box of tampoons for you. Woulds dat help? Oh, or some Midols and chocklates! Hey, don'ts walk away from me, I's talking to you!”

Toki owed utter humiliation more than anger to his lowered head. A lump in his throat and prickling eyes made it impossible to face the other man. He thought he'd left this brand of miserability back at Rock-A-Roonie. He wasn't a regular jack-off dildo, but apparently whenever the shield of fame lowered he had no worth left to speak of. Fuck this day, and fuck this stupid place.

He retreated into the bathroom upon return to the motel. When Skwisgaar let himself in a few minutes later, Toki ran the shower in order to obscure his true activity. Skwisgaar probably knew what happened, but damn if Toki was going to admit it. And Skwisgaar could eat his fist if he had the gall to say anything.

Toki left that part out of his testimony. Even nine months later and with Ludwig six feet under, he  _still_ couldn't escape mortification. “Me and Skwisgaar didn'ts talk much the rest of the day. He was civils enough to brings me back dinner when he rans out to get some. So much for checkings out Billings, although our stops was more abouts resting than any real exploration. We weres both itching to gets back into mountains, or at least something differents than all the flat fields we'ds been looking at.” 

“Ludwig Wikinger was the second murder victim following Betty Manes, the woman that the defendant accidentally choked to death. How did this come about?”

Toki chewed on his bottom lip, stalling. After all the bullshit life shot in his face, he deserved some form of retribution. He'd already earned so much punishment, and for what crimes? Crimes he'd even had yet to commit. “The thought cames to me when I gots back to the room, and it wouldn'ts let me go. I tolds myself, if Skwisgaar goes, I'll sucks it up and leaves it alone. But ten o'clock cames around, and Skwisgaar had fallens asleep. So. . .I tooks the car keys and snucks out past him.”

 


	10. The Boonies

Even for a Sunday night, Wooden Pints drew a healthy-sized crowd. In Toki's mind, as he parked the Mustang down the block, he envisioned maximum occupancy of more shitheads just like Ludwig. The number of fights carried out on the sidewalk only strengthened his suspicion.

There existed the possibility that Skwisgaar would wake to find Toki missing. Under normal circumstances, Toki might give half a shit. With tension reinstated between them and determined tunnel vision for Ludwig, all Toki could concentrate on was the bar's front doors. Midnight came and went. Anyone less determined would at the very least give up when time allotted a full bladder. Merely emptying it on the nearest building, Toki continued to wait.

Not until quarter after four did Toki slip out of apparent catatonia, with the straightening of his spine. Drunk enough to sway as he spoke with his friends, Ludwig's heavy arms jerked about in the air through conversation. _Please, just let him go it alone_. It was all Toki needed. Even if luck didn't strike him, actually, he could just as easily take on his goons with the amount of liquor they'd presumably consumed.

“It really wasn'ts that hard,” Toki told Charles. “He was such a dumbass, to starts. I followeds at a distance, keepings my headlights off. His friends turned down one of the streets, so I tooks my chance then. I caughts up to him and asked if he wanteds a ride.”

Ludwig swung his body to face the street, wiping mindlessly at his runny nose. “Huh? Who's there?”

“Just someone who woulds like to be your friends. Now won'ts you lets Toki drive you home?”

“Tattletale?” Ludwig scoffed. “Where's Skwisgaar? Asshole never showed up tonight.”

“Ja, he cans be a prick. You shoulds have known nevers to take anything what he promises for granteds.” Truly, any acrimony Toki harboured toward Skwisgaar long dissipated. If not so determined on his stake-out, he would've much preferred to head back to the room and crawl into the second bed. Provided Skwisgaar let him, anyway.

Ludwig considered Toki's proposal, now that they possessed something in common. Judging by his winded nature, walking didn't suit him. “Sure. Why not?”

He really couldn't make it much easier. Before the Mustang ran one block along the mumbled off directions, Ludwig fell asleep with his head against the window. In order to not attract attention, Toki pulled the car into an empty alleyway. He moved everything from the trunk into the backseat, then grabbed the duct tape he'd stowed.

Ludwig's head lolled as Toki pulled him out of the passenger seat; he didn't regain consciousness until his ankles and wrists had already been tightly secured. “Hey, what the fuck're you doing, Tattletale?”

A punch to the face evoked a guttural groan. “Shuts up, or _you'll_ be the tattletale.”

Toki cut off a cry for help with another smack, then forced a screech out of the roll of tape as he stretched a piece over Ludwig's oversized mouth. Bulging, blue eyes kindled a smile in his assailant, who stood to allow whatever fight Ludwig summoned run its course. With meaty limbs stilled and lungs struggling to the point of snorted breath, Toki hog-tied the man and lifted him with a grunt of effort into the car trunk. The Mustang's rear suspension protested.

“I. . .didn'ts really think about what to does, at that point,” Toki admitted to the court. “I knews how I was goings to handle him and what the end results would be, but I didn'ts consider in-between. It was alreadies after four in the mornings at this point, and I didn'ts know how much longer I coulds be gone without Skwisgaar noticings, if he hadn'ts already. So I droves around until Ludwig got quiet again, and decideds to head back to the motel room.”

The television remained on the same channel, its sickly light bathing the room. Toki fully expected Skwisgaar to be awake, but he'd barely shifted. The clinical process of Toki's thoughts gave way to something warmer as soft snores filled the air and brown locks sprawled over a clutched pillow. After undressing, Toki slipped in under his covers. He fully intended to wake Skwisgaar up, a minute shift indicating success.

Skwisgaar's eyes hardly cracked open before Toki placed a string of kisses to his lips. “I's really sorries about earlier.”

“Whatevers.” Despite his cast-aside of the apology, Skwisgaar soaked up the affection. As soon as Toki ascertained he wouldn't be pushed away, the night's adrenaline reminded him of its presence in his bloodstream. Gentleness transformed to rough handling, maneuvering the other body this way and that until he yanked Skwisgaar's underwear off. “Where's the lubes?”

How easily the older man turned over for Toki only increased the delight overtaking him. He held Skwisgaar down with a hand flat between his shoulder blades, revelling in deep, nonverbal pleas and fixating on the sight of their physical connection. Unable again to resist a selfish end, he abandoned himself to it.

Skwisgaar panted, grinning despite that, when Toki collapsed beside him afterward. “Where dids dat come from, ah?”

Brought back to his senses with the exhaustion of excess energy, Toki smoothed where the older man's hair mussed most dramatically. “We needs to leave, hey?”

"Leaves? Why?”

“We just does.” Toki sat up on the bed's edge and grabbed his clothes. “Gets your things together.”

“I don'ts underskand.”

“I'll explains in the car. Just does it. Please,” Toki added in attempt to avoid a fight. Something in his tone must've penetrated Skwisgaar's defiant nature; they gathered everything together in silence, only turning the television off as an afterthought when they closed the door behind them. While Skwisgaar ran the key down to the office, Toki cracked the trunk open to assure himself he'd actually done what he remembered. Whether from alcohol, fatigue, or fear, Ludwig had passed out again.

He couldn't go back on this. Theoretically Toki _could_ toss Ludwig onto the street and chalk his actions up to a lesson well-taught, but what if it compromised every effort he and Skwisgaar made to vanish without a trace? Trapped in it now, Toki anxiously chewed his fingernails as they carried on west down the I-90.

“Why ams all de stuff in de backseat? And why ams we leaving so earlies, anyway?” Skwisgaar yawned; the clock showed five-thirty. “We can'ts even gets breakfast forst?”

“We'll grab somethings in the next town. Can'ts be too far away.”

“Hopefullys dey gots a McDonkalds. I feels like pancakes.” Wrapped up in a sweater, Skwisgaar reclined his seat. “So what happen? You ams all pale and lookings like you seens a ghost, or somet'ing.”

“I, uh. . .” Toki swallowed, frantically seeking an excuse. “I just gots thinkings that Ludwig was goings to tell all his friends you woulds be at that bar, and who's to say thats a klokateer in town mights not have caughts wind of it? Billings is the biggest city in the state, so theres is a chapter here, right?”

“Hm. Goods t'inking, den. It ams too risky to stays in a town where we beens recogsnized.” Skwisgaar closed his eyes. “Wakes me up when ams time to eat.”

The even smaller city of Laurel passed without fulfillment of his promise, although Toki nearly shook the older man's shoulder when he saw a pair of golden arches off the freeway. He needed to keep at the forefront of his mind that they weren't alone in the vehicle. Ludwig stayed quiet for now, but how long until that changed? However prepared for it, Toki still jumped when the first noise came from the back. Desperate to get this over with, he turned left at the next road that wasn't a highway.

Between increasingly spirited struggling on Ludwig's part and the transition between pavement and dirt, Skwisgaar roused. “Does dis parts of de country nots even have civilskization yet?”

“Skwisgaar. . .” Toki bit his bottom lip. He couldn't hide it any longer. “I did somethings bad.”

A thudded kick and howl jolted Skwisgaar upright. “Toki, ams dat a _porson_ in de trunk?”

“. . .Maybes?”

“Whats de fuck am de matters wit' you?” Wide-awake now, Skwisgaar peered back over his shoulder. “Dids you kidnap someone? _Why_ , Toki? Why woulds you do dat?”

“I—I don'ts know!” Scrutinized with such dismay, Toki shrunk toward guilt.

“Gods damn it, didn'ts you t'ink aheads about dis?” Skwisgaar asked. “What de hell ams we goings to do?”

“I don'ts know how to explains myself. Is. . .is Ludwig.” A sigh on the other man's part propelled Toki into his haphazard reasoning. “I can't stands the way he treateds me, and somethings in me snaps when he does it again yesterday. I'm sorry, Skwis. I wasn'ts really thinkings.”

“Whats was de plan? Gets him into de trunk, and den whats?” The older man groaned as he figured it out himself. “Holy fucks, ams dat why we on a dort road? Please tell me dis ams just a fuckings nightmare.”

“Tells me the other options, then! What else cans I do now? He knows was me, and we'll gets in all kinds of troubles if we lets him go. You don'ts gots to tells me I fuckeds up, Skwisgaar! I knows that!”

“Don't expecks me to helps you. I amn'ts killing nobodies else.” Skwisgaar glowered out the passenger window, arms crossed. “I don'ts care how much he desorve it.”

“I'm sorry.” Toki felt his apology right down to his bones. “I didn'ts mean to drag you into this. I'll gets it over with and we'll hits the road like nothing happen, okay?”

Skwisgaar scoffed. “Shore, Toki. Like not'ing happen.”

While Toki's anxiety worsened with each new bend of road, Skwisgaar's anger melted away into similar sentiment. Ludwig's muffled pleas for help toiled against both their psyches, but Toki couldn't stop the car until he came to the very end, as far away from civilization as they could get. Only then, when his headlights illuminated a cul-de-sac reinforced by forestation, did he slip the transmission out of gear and yank up the parking brake. The engine cutting out removed any white noise separating them from unavoidable duty.

Skwisgaar chewed his thumbnail through a long moment of silence. “Well?”

“You wants to stays in here, or what?”

“Cans you even see what you am doing?” The sun had yet to properly rise, and only with intense concentration were the outlines of rocks and trees visible.

“I's not going to waits any longer. I just wants to get it over with.”

For all the disapproval Skwisgaar exhibited for Toki's actions, he too unbuckled his seatbelt as the trunk popped. Morbid fascination receded with a step back and hand over his mouth as Ludwig was revealed. Actually seeing the person changed everything, as Toki already experienced. “You, ah. . .you need some help, gettings him out of dere?”

“You don'ts got to do anything, Skwis. Is okay.” Toki landed Ludwig on his side with a grunt of pain. “I don'ts want you to goes beyond your comfort limits.”

“Is a bits too late for dat.” They stood together over the trembling body. Thankfully, Ludwig waited until then to wet his pants from fear. “Has you figureds out what you goings to do?”

Toki had limited resources. Through his panic on the way up, he did a mental review of the car's contents. Nothing he and Skwisgaar personally packed would suffice for the job, but if the car's real owners had any sense of responsibility toward emergency preparation, he might find something useful in the trunk's reserve.

The tire iron situated on top of the spare would have to do. Ludwig's thrashing increased when he saw it, which went ignored. “I don'ts want to gets blood on it, or me. I needs a shirt, preferablys one that buttons up.”

Skwisgaar dug one out of the backseat. So went what he'd worn on their night out in Chicago. “Coulds I make a small request?”

“Likes what?”

“Woulds you mind if I move de car fars enough back on de road so dat I can'ts hear it? Is. . .maybes a bit too much for me to handle.”

“Does what you need to.” Toki touched Skwisgaar's elbow. He couldn't tell who shook more, between them. “I'll tries not to takes too long.”

Ulterior motive surrounded the shirt; blood spatter presented a large problem, but Toki couldn't stand the fearful, accusing look in Ludwig's eyes. He sprawled the shirt over the man's head and mentally matched the rises and dips in the fabric to their respective facial features. A hundred feet or so back down the road, the Mustang idled. Dull, pounding bass leaked from inside. “Cans you hear me?”

A jerky nod kneeled Toki down beside. “You ares a horrible person. I don'ts know how you gets off on treatings people like you do, but as much as I don'ts want to does this rights now, I know I's doings the world a favour. I bets there isn't a single person that'll miss you. And I bets you beens thinking long and hard the whole way ups here about how the choices you mades are going to ends up killing you.

“You probablies figured this out already, but you fuckeds with the wrong guy.”

Some things in his life, Toki would never forget. Even though well over a decade passed since a whip broke his skin, he still recalled its bite with perfect precision. His journey to Florida and subsequent induction into the world's greatest band played like a movie inside his head. He remembered his father's recession into the darkness as he drowned, the pain of Magnus stabbing him at Roy Cornickelson's funeral, and disbelief when the band showed up to rescue him from the Revengencers' tight grip. That night in Montana too boasted vividness; the first connection between the iron and Ludwig's face slowed his target's movements. The second encouraged a red flower to spread over the light blue fabric. The third through sixth blows left Ludwig's features unrecognizable. After the tenth, Toki stopped counting.

“Do you regret what you did?” Charles asked.

“I didn'ts want to does it, when it came down to it. It isn'ts really in me to kills a person, I guess, unless I gots a reason. My therapist say killings Ludwig had to do with one person too manys breaking down how I feels as a human being, and I's inclineds to agrees. I just wanteds my power back.”

“Aren't there better ways to regain it?”

“Yes, definitelies.” Toki nodded fervently, eyes wide. “Ifs I felts I had a choice afters it sunk in for me that I'd just kidnappeds another human being, I wouldn'ts has gone through with it. Maybes if I let Ludwig go, he woulds has reconsidered how he brings down the world around him. Then agains, he was used to gettings his way, and it woulds has played into his belief that he was invincibles. Is kind of counterproductives, I admits, that he didn'ts live long enough to learns otherwise.” 


	11. Missoula

Ludwig's body appeared normal up to the shirt's hem. At first Toki considered taking that article of clothing with him, in order to dump it respectable distance away from the crime scene. Blood and possible brain matter aside, Toki couldn't bring himself to reveal the damage done. None of Ludwig's features were recognizable through the material; they'd been replaced by a concave depression.

He needed to at least take the tire iron. After rubbing off what blood he could on a clean corner of Skwisgaar's old shirt, he jogged back to the vehicle. Skwisgaar had cracked the driver window open in order to light up a cigarette, but he still jumped when Toki appeared in his peripheral.

“Sorries.” Toki leaned against the frame as Skwisgaar rolled the window down further. “Cans you pop the trunk?”

Rather than lean over to the glove compartment, Skwisgaar studied Toki. “Ams it done?”

Toki nodded. “I'll puts this away, and then laters down the road we cans move everything back to the trunk. Don'ts know abouts you, but I's ready to gets the fuck out of here.”

“Dere amn'ts no bloods on dat?” Skwisgaar eyed the iron next. “Or you?”

“Does you maybes want to looks me over, before I gets into the car?”

Skwisgaar butted out in the ashtray before joining Toki in the headlight's beams. “It don'ts look like anyt'ing get on you, but undress anyways. I kepts de plastic bag from clothes shopping, so we'll stuffs it all in dere and t'row it in a dumpster somewheres down de road. Same as dat iron. We can'ts afford to haves any blood or DNA in de car.”

“Hopefullys will be a while before they finds him.” Toki gazed in Ludwig's general direction. Approaching dawn made the corpse visible, reeling Toki with sudden nausea.

“Oh noes you don't.” Skwisgaar stepped back. “Holds it down. If you pukes, dat ams practicallys writing 'Toki was heres' on de dirt.”

“I'll manage. Just. . .goes get me some new clothes, okay?” Firmly pressing his tongue up behind his front teeth, Toki pulled his shirt off over his head. He stood naked by Skwisgaar's return; the clothes balled up at his waist maintained decency.

“Shoes and socks, too.” Skwisgaar indicated the man's sneakers. “We'll gets you new ones later.”

Toki appreciated someone else with the ability to think straight. He conveyed that as best he could without opening his mouth.

“De nice t'ing about havings long hair am dat dey easy to picks out.” While Toki dressed, Skwisgaar inspected the outgoing clothing for any immediate signs of him. “And I t'ink so longs as we didn'ts leave anyt'ing dat we didn'ts t'ink about, and if dat cloud overs dere mean rain, de only t'ing we gots to worry abouts is de tire treads and our foots prints. . .which mights be wash away, if we lucky.”

Toki sunk in the passenger seat, hand on his stomach as Skwisgaar eased them back toward the interstate. As soon as he could, the headlights went off; the last thing they needed was to be spotted out one of the kitchen windows of the homes they passed. The radio stayed quiet as well, as paranoia spiked. Not far from the I-90, Toki's stomach clenched too harshly for him to keep it at bay anymore. “Pulls over, quick.”

Their leisurely speed made it an easy accommodation. Physical relief equated to anxiety as Toki spit the remnant of bile onto the small puddle he created. “I'm sorries. I thoughts I could hold it untils a place where it was safe.”

Long fingers pulled black hair away from Toki's face. “We mights be fars enough away. All we cans do now is hope no one notice it after dey finds him.”

“I fuckeds up really bads, didn't I?” Toki used a leftover napkin from their last fast food stop to wipe around his mouth, then swished a flat soda to make rid of the taste. “I means it Skwis, I's really sorries about all this. We was supposed to haves fun, nots cover up a seconds murder. I wish I hads a straight head on my shoulders.”

“No points worrying abouts it now. We just. . .carrys on, like you say. Ja?”

“Maybes we should go home. Charles could sorts this out for us.” Toki wiped at burning eyes. “But I really don'ts want something stupids I did to wrecks everything. What do you thinks?”

“I don'ts want to go backs yet.” Skwisgaar slid the car into gear. “And who say it wreck everyt'ing? Dis all _starts_ because of a murder.”

Disheartenment struck Toki into a slump. Skwisgaar's words boasted positivity, his tone not so much. After so many years of hearing it from Skwisgaar and the others, he immediately recognized placation. “Whatever you says.”

Exhaustion caught up to Toki then, much like it did on the witness stand. For how small a portion of his testimony Ludwig's murder was, Toki could easily call it a day. He fully intended on finishing his story before another recess.

“Could you further clarify, Toki, how murdering Ludwig made you feel?”

“I has come to a points where I'm so stressed out abouts everything that my brain has stoppeds caring about what I can reasonablys let go. I don'ts have the energy left to feels anything for a guy I murdereds last spring. That probablies make me a monster, but I don'ts care about _that_ , either. I's always known I was bads, ever since I coulds even think for myself. This isn'ts new to me.”

“Dr. John Twinkletits officially diagnosed you with Dissociative Identity Disorder in November, correct?”

Toki nodded.

“Did that disorder affect your road trip with the defendant?”

“I don'ts think I woulds has killed Ludwig, if I didn't have it. When I sats waiting for him to come out of the bar, I kepts telling myself to leave, to goes back to Skwisgaar. Sometimes it feel like a dream when I looks back. There's this other thing in me, what take over. It happeneds when I killeds that guy in Los Angeles, too. I wasn'ts drunk or high there because I really wanteds to have sober fun at Sobertown, but I blackeds out and when I cames back, there was a deads guy on the floor and I was covereds in his blood.”

“It was following this particular incident that you began visiting Dr. Twinkletits on a regular basis?”

Toki nodded again. “I didn'ts get my diagnosis until this autumn, but the dissociations had beens getting better. I don'ts black out anymore, or at least nots where I can remember. Nothings else bad has happened.”

“Ludwig?”

“No, I remembers all that. I was maybes more a spectators than a participant, but I definitelys didn't black out.”

“Thank you, Toki. Ah, where we left off in your recounting, you'd just got back onto the interstate, heading for the Montana-Idaho border.”

“Right. We thoughts about trying to get to Spokane, in Washington, but we were reallies tired of driving, by that points. If we hads the chance, we probablys would has stayed in Billings one more night. Once we gots past a place called Bozeman, we thoughts we would be safe to stops wherever. Still, tryings to be careful, we kepts on until we reached Missoula.”

A slow drive with plenty of breaks—which included ditching the bag with Toki's clothes in Livingston, then the tire iron in Butte—kept them from reaching Montana's second-largest city until the mid-afternoon. Unable to sit any longer, Toki paced about a motel parking lot while Skwisgaar inquired within the office about the use of cash. With a thumbs up through the window, Toki finally felt some vestige of relief through all this chaos.

“What I ams t'inking ams dat we should stays here until we hears about you-know-whos being found,” Skwisgaar said after they'd packed everything into their new room. He kicked his shoes off and flopped back on the bed. “Road trip ams fun, but I needs to gather my steams for de next part of it. You never realize how bigs dis country am untils you try drivings around it.”

“I sees your point, although I woulds feel a lot better to gets out of Montana.”

“Gives me two nights,” Skwisgaar requested. “Is all I needs. And no murderings nobody. Lets us to try and relax, ja?”

“I saids I was sorry. I _am_ sorries, for all of it.” Frustration and fatigue formed a lump in Toki's throat.

“I nots arguing dat. Come here.”

Toki took a seat beside the supine man, hands folded in his lap. “Why does you haves to give me a hard time? It isn'ts like I was the onlies or even the first one to kill somebodies on this trip.”

“I ams just trying to makes light of de situgation.” Skwisgaar rubbed his back. “Is goings to be okay, and all dat shit. Evens if dey figure out who dids it, what am de worst dat cans happen? Charles swoop in and cleans it up, and den he mights make us go home. I can't says I ams looking forward to de lecture we ams going to get. Maybes dat more dan anyt'ing else am why I say we don'ts call him.”

“I don'ts need him to yell at me. I feels guilty enough.”

“Is kinds of why I wants to stay on de road. Is dumb to t'ink you can reallies get away from dat, but is too much guilts waiting for me back home.”

“You don'ts feel guilty now?”

“'Course I does.” Skwisgaar sat up. “But at least dere am times out here dat I cans pretend not'ing bad happen. Ams just like you ands me decided to goes on a joy ride.”

“Except I kinds of ruined that, didn't I?”

“Hey.” Skwisgaar pulled some hair off Toki's face, compelling their gazes to meet. “We cans pretend dat didn'ts happen too.”

Something seemed off. Toki recognized the familiar conduct when Skwisgaar leaned in, but too much enthusiasm forced them apart. Hand on his shoulder, Toki searched for genuineness. Fleeting eyes dropped his stomach to a new low. “Are you scareds of me?”

“No, dat ams prepokstrous.”

“You are.” For that as much as Skwisgaar's duplicity, Toki put distance between them. He couldn't stand touching him, all of a sudden. “Just tells the truth. I can sees it in your eye.”

Skwisgaar pursed his lips, arms crossed. “Well. . .t'ink of it from my porsketive. You just killeds a guy who hads way less opportunity to be mean to you, through de years.”

“So whats is your plan? You thinks you just goings to—to seduce me or something, and hopes that if I having sex with you I wouldn'ts do the same?” Toki sniffled, unable to feel shame for it. “You know what, Skwis? Fucks you _so hard_. I's not just a toy you can bats around like you a cat. I coulds never do thats to you, but that isn'ts even the point anymore. You don'ts trust me. Just says it.”

“Does I nots have de right to be a littles concorned?” Even Skwisgaar's composure, forcibly calm, reeked of trying to keep Toki's temper in check. “You can says it all you wants dat you would nevers do dat to me, but de fact am dat you talks like you didn'ts mean to puts Ludwig in de car trunk, and for whats? All he calleds you was a tattletale and laughs at you. Dat ams _not'ing_ compares to all de bullshit I'ves done.”

“Then why don'ts you call Charles?” Despite Skwisgaar's efforts, keeping his voice low did nothing to quell Toki's from shredding his throat on the way out. “If you so scareds, then why don'ts you just go home? Why does you still wants to be with me where no one else know we are? You don'ts make _any_ sense, you's _never_ made sense! I can'ts fucking stand it anymore, just be _straights_ with me, for once in your life!”

“I'm nots going to do _not'ing_ when you actings like dis.” Skwisgaar remained seated, but Toki could tell by the shift of his legs that he was ready to run for the door if this escalated any further. Incapable of bringing it back down or simply swallowing his hurt, Toki beat him to it. Unsure how else to evacuate his rage, Toki made note of a couple landmarks surrounding the motel and let his feet beat the pavement on retreat.

“Did you not trust yourself?” Charles asked.

“I. . .want to say I did.” Toki averted his gaze, ashamed to validate Skwisgaar's fears of the time. “It wasn'ts about him having puts me down for so many years, though. The truth is thats even then I loveds him so much it hurt. What got me about the whole thing was him manipulatings that once again for his own purpose. There isn'ts much more painful than beings used for what you can'ts control.”

“Did you hurt him?”

“Of course not! I wents for a run instead, to cool off. I didn'ts wish to perpetuates that I mights be unstable, rathers than reasonably upset. We'ds both had a long day.”

“Mhm. So how far did you run before you returned to the motel room?”

“Not sure, but I was gones for a couple hour. My feets were blistered up. New shoes, and all.” Toki shrugged. “I was completely sures that I woulds get back to finds him gone, maybes with klokateers having finally founds us after he mades a phone call. Surprisingly, he coulds actually be mature when he wanteds to be. Well, maybes that not true. Someone mature woulds has gottens himself out of a potentially turbulent situations.” 


	12. Credit

The dark clouds rolling in from Yellowstone finally caught up to them in Missoula. Toki's lungs protested as the motel came in sight; with the cool pelt of rain, his overwrought emotions finally seeped away. He imagined them pooling, dripping into the network of pipes beneath the city's concrete infrastructure. Only when depleted and purified could he pay any mind toward what his run pushed aside.

Shuffling inside the room preceded Skwisgaar's face as he admitted the younger man. Aware he stunk, Toki kept his gaze down and headed straight for the shower without a word.

“Toki?” Skwisgaar addressed him through the bathroom door. “I ams going to get somet'ing to eats. What dids you want?”

“Nothing. I don'ts care.”

“You needs to eat, for your diabetics.”

“I don'ts care.”

A pause. “I'll gets you whatever, den.”

After bashing someone's head in at dawn and losing the last emotional connection he possessed, no appetite tugged Toki's stomach. He stared at the landline when he took a seat on his bed. This could all end. He could go home, with the dial of ten mere digits. Why should this go on, any longer? The best way to punish Skwisgaar for his bullshit was to make him face what he ran from. And, because Toki couldn't help simultaneously looking out for him, it would get Skwisgaar away from someone that obviously perturbed him.

“ _I'm sorry, the number you have dialled is long distance, which is not available through this line. . ._ ”

Toki set the handset back on its cradle with a sigh. It was an easy fix; he could head over to the office and ask to borrow _their_ phone, instead. Weak legs enfeebled his determination, on top of hesitation. Despite all the about-faces Skwisgaar pulled, Toki wanted to give him the chance to explain. Skwisgaar didn't deserve it—and maybe Toki could empathize with his concerns—but longing for companionship from the only person he _ever_ felt understood him vetoed all else.

Skwisgaar juggled a couple boxes of pizza and a plastic bag when Toki opened the door for him a half-hour later. “Fucks, it really startings to come down. I hopes none of dis gots wet. Your pizza am on de bottom, anyway. . .hawaiians am you favourite, ja?”

“Sure.”

“And you goings to eat. I don'ts care how mads or upsets you am. De last t'ing we needs am you to have some kinds of complications from you diabetes, or a crash.”

Toki accepted the slice held up to his face, though did nothing else with it. “You don'ts has to pretends you care.”

“I ams trying to apolgesac.”

“You shouldn't says you sorry because you scared.”

Foregoing his own dinner, Skwisgaar dropped down opposite Toki. “But I gets dat I horts your feeling. I amn'ts _totallies_ ignorant, okays?”

“Don'ts you think if I was goings to kill you, I woulds has dones it a long times ago?” Toki asked. “You'ves pushed me around so much, been so incredibly means, so why woulds I wait this long, huh? Goddamn it Skwisgaar, maybes I's done a few peoples in, but that don'ts mean I's going to kills everyone that piss me off. Ja, I don'ts really know what compelleds me to puts Ludwig into the car trunk. I's not a stranger to somethings bad inside me that wants to do those kinds of thing. But you's too much an equal to me. So you shouldn'ts worry so much about danger. You know how stupids I am about you, and how much you means to me. What the hell woulds I do without you? You's too important to my lifes.”

Skwisgaar picked a piece of sausage off his pizza, to nibble on. “I realize today dat I don'ts know what you's capable of.”

“I's not capable of _that_. When it cames down to finishings off Ludwig, it was onlies because I had no choice afters putting him in the trunk. I didn'ts kill him in a rage, or something.”

“But you still killeds him.”

“And what was the alternatives, huh? Lets him go? Fuck, we onlies been on the road for what, four days? Five? And I feels like this is who we ares. Maybes I shoulds have just takens him back to Billings and calleds Charles to cleans it all up for us. But I didn'ts feel like I hads that option. Maybes I really didn't.”

“And how cans I trust dat you won't torns on me?”

“Doesn'ts fifteen years of you beings alive count for anything?”

“Well. . .” Skwisgaar shrugged.

“I woulds understand if you wants to gets away from me, after this,” Toki told him. “You'll haves to use the office phone, though. This one don'ts work.”

“How's you know?”

“I trieds to call Charles while you was gones.”

Skwisgaar studied him with pursed lips. “Ams _you_ ready to packs it in?”

“Is hard to say. Sometimes this is so funs. And then is just torture. Figureds it might be fors the best, if yous was unsures about me. That isn'ts no fun for anyone. So does whatever you want, Skwis. I'll keeps going on this road trip, but feels free to calls the end anytime.” Toki shifted to the head of the bed and propped his pillow up against the wall. “I don'ts really care what happen next.”

“Fine. Be likes dat, den.” With his pizza box open on the other bed, Skwisgaar mirrored Toki's position while they watched television. Toki's eyes kept slipping out of focus, for he could feel the other man's gaze flit periodically in his direction. To be fair, he reciprocated. As irritated he felt, he couldn't suppress the overwhelming urge to traverse the gap between their beds. Skwisgaar ruined that though, demeaned him with exploitation and manipulation. He _did_ understand what Toki meant by all his minute confessions, right? Or did the older man truly harbour no concept for love?

Toki accepted this so many times already; he should just do it again. It became so much harder tonight, than even a week ago. At least at Mordhaus, he could retreat into solitude and divert his attention elsewhere. No such option existed here, and how could he possibly swallow everything that happened between himself and Skwisgaar since their abrupt departure from the east coast? He'd _slept_ with the man, for fuck's sake. Sure, maybe lots of people did, but who else was still around? Who else still mattered?

Then again, _did_ Toki matter? Skwisgaar effectively partitioned his life in a way Toki could never grasp. For Skwisgaar, they could have sex and be friends, but never did those two worlds need to meet. Skwisgaar didn't live on the same plane as Toki, where experience and emotion interweaved to become indistinguishable. His head and heart were wired so differently—possibly disconnected altogether.

“Checks out what else I boughts, ah?” Skwisgaar stated as the credits ran on another show. At the desk, he pulled a dark bottle from the plastic bag. “Saws it and I couldn'ts resist. Does you remembers dis crap?”

Toki eyed it with reservation. While accustomed to hard liquor, he never forgot the first thing that ever made him sick. “'Craps' about sums it up.”

Skwisgaar poured them each a styrofoam cup of the cheap Californian zinfandel. One whiff took Toki right back to the latter half of his teen years, to Florida's oppressive humidity. He and Skwisgaar sat on the landing outside Dethklok's cramped apartment, and he was embarrassed to have never drank before. Trumping his caution, Skwisgaar tipped up the bottle's bottom. When Toki puked his guts over the railing, Skwisgaar held his hair back and chastised him for coating the hood of Pickles' Corvette.

The first sip wrinkled Skwisgaar's face. “Ugh. Eit'ers dey got a guy pissings in de bottles, or I gots used to expensives wine.”

“Whats it matter, so longs as it gets you drunks?”

Skwisgaar conceded that with a shrug; whatever pace he adapted, he couldn't keep up to Toki. An empty stomach intoxicated him that much quicker. As they neared the bottom of the bottle, they'd gone from sitting on their respective beds to occupying the floor between. Toki kept his limbs tight within his personal space, while Skwisgaar slouched with one foot propped against the mattress opposite. “Afters you a bits fucked up, dis amn't so bads.”

“So long as you aren't sittings under a bridge, I guess.” Toki hiccuped while scratching where he'd injected himself with insulin to counteract a fresh wave of sugar in his system. “Shoulds have got more than one.”

“Ja,” Skwisgaar agreed. “Mights be best we don'ts get too sloppies, anyway. Unless we staying here tomorrow night too?”

“Might as well.” Toki wrapped a hand over Skwisgaar's calf, then thought better of it. Even if Skwisgaar didn't mind, whatever happened between them couldn't go on any longer. His sanity suffered too much, and already he felt the weak seams of his heart pulling in opposite directions.

Skwisgaar clumsily shifted to sit on his side of the aisle. Pulling into himself proved unnecessary, on Toki's part. Even this close, Skwisgaar kept respectable distance. “Hey.”

“What?” Toki wouldn't look at him.

Skwisgaar sighed. “Sorries amn'ts always easy to say.”

“No one's making you.” He probably still had no real idea what he apologized _for_.

“I wants to, though. I feels bad, and it wasn'ts right of me.” A slur drug Skwisgaar's words. “I apolgesac for de way I react, earliers. I crossed a lines by how I cames onto you.”

“Is okay.”

“No, it amn'ts. Don'ts pretend like dat.” Skwisgaar frowned. “If it was, dere wouldn'ts be dis big awkward t'ing between us. I refuse to gets back in de car untils dis am gone. You ams right, dat dis amn'ts no fun if we amn'ts gettings along.”

“Whats is there to say, Skwis? You's looking out for yourself. Is all you really cares about. You wants to keep going on this road trip because you don'ts want to go home, you wants me to stay because you don'ts want to be alone, and you kissed me earlier because you wants to make sure you safe with a murderer.” Couldn't it have been _anyone else_ that ensnared Toki's attention? Why Skwisgaar? Why someone so cold, selfish, and cruel? Why his complete opposite? Maybe Toki's contrast equaled them out, but that didn't make them whole. Someone like Skwisgaar presented a black hole, zapping Toki of all energy. “Is how we always been. You wants me in the band because I makes you play better. You takes care of me when I's a sloppy mess, just so thats I'll return the favour. You keeps me around because I'll puts up with more than anyone else. You takes and takes and takes, and I gots nothing left to give.”

“Maybes—huh.” Skwisgaar downed the rest of his glass. “Guess I ams a pretty shitty friend.”

Toki scoffed. “You _guess?_ ”

“I amn'ts always got selfish motivaskins, but I admit dat I ams in de habit of puttings myself forst a lots.”

“Names three times you hasn'ts.” Toki pulled his legs tighter against his chest. “Is never _wants_ with Toki, only needs. You only does things for or withs me if you absolutely haves to.”

“You t'ink I lives in a world where onlies me and my needs exkist? Maybes you shoulds consider dat _you_ ams a crappy friend, for not t'inking I'ms a bit deeper dan dat.”

“Ja, turns it around on me. Goes ahead, if it make you feels better.”

“Dere you go, spinnings my words again. You wants me to name t'ree times I put yous before me? Den here dey ams: one, when I lets you have de bed and de not-scratchies blanket, in our olds apartment. Two, I woulds like to clarify dat I don'ts take care of you when you drunk just so dat de next time I cans go off de hinges. I reallies do care dat you don't chokes on you vomit or gets into trouble. And whats about all dem time Rockso lets you down, ah? Who listeneds to you when you was upsets because he was backs in jail or trieds to drown you?” Skwisgaar lifted his chin. “And dose am onlies off de top of my head.”

“You's given me reasons every time to doubts that. You saids I coulds have the bed because you was probablies going to be fucking ladies elsewhere every night anyways, you made sures before agreeings to watch me that I woulds do it for you next time, and you acts like I corners you whenever I's upset. _Why?_ ”

“I don'ts know. Ams easiers, I guess.”

“Is its _that hard_ for yous to—? No, you know whats? Just forget it.” Toki shook his head. “You's how old now, and me tellings you for the millionth time how shittys you are isn'ts goings to fix anything. There isn'ts no point. You's well past cooked. No matters what I feel has changed since we lefts Mordhaus, you's impervious. You don'ts care that we slepts together, you don'ts care that you hurts my feelings. You don'ts care, period.”

“Ams you jokings? Dis am de most fun I's had in a long time,” Skwisgaar shot back. “Shore, maybes dere has beens a couple downside—murders and us fightings—but we _nevers_ get to do shits like dis. If we evers go out, eithers we gots escorts or de ot'er guys want to tags along. Admits it, dere am a t'rill abouts being on de run. Out heres, all we gots am each ot'er.”

“And whats about not goings home because you killeds that lady in you bed?”

“Ams likes you said, I cans get a new bed or new rooms, if I needs to. People die in Mordhaus all de time, and it amn'ts like she woulds be de forst ghost I see if she decide to haunts de place.” Skwisgaar nudged Toki. “So why don'ts you give me a littles bit of credit, ah? I _wants_ to be in bumfucks nowhere wit' you. If I didn'ts, don'ts you t'ink I woulds has sucked it up and gones home, yet? Or because I miss my guitar? Fucks, I mades myself stucks wit' brown hair for you. So fucks you and your boohoo poor me, Skwisgaar don'ts care about nobody but himselfs. _Fucks you_ , I say.”

While the other man poured another couple fingers of wine for himself, Toki turned his head enough to see him out of the corner of his eye. He'd convinced himself completely of the truth as he saw it, but couldn't deny that made sense. Personally, after all the death they witnessed either in concert or when threatened by anti-Dethklok organizations, Toki considered Skwisgaar a total _coward_ to run away from something this paltry.

“You _really_ wanteds to come on a road trip with me?” Toki cautiously ventured.

“How long do you t'ink it woulds has lasted if I didn'ts?” Skwisgaar asked. “Woulds it have evens come to my mind? Evens den, I doubts we woulds has gottens as far as gettings de Mustang. I woulds has just dropped your ass in Danbury for how mads you were when you wokes up.”

“Then how comes you nevers tell me the truth? Why does you always have to lie, whethers outright or by omissions? If you wants to pal around with Toki, then why don'ts you just say so? Does you really think that I's going to tells you no, or laughs in your face? Is okay, once in a whiles, to lets down your guard. Dumbass,” Toki added for good measure.

“Dat amn't somet'ing I goods at, or even likes to do, I admits. Is why you de easiest for me to be around. Because you gets dat. Or, I thoughts you did, anyway.”

“Earliers confuse me. Is hard not to slants everything you do one way, when I catch you beings as selfish and shallows as that. You gots to see that.”

“I does, and I apolgesac. I was t'inkings in de moment, nots cummulativesly of how I knows you.” Skwisgaar swallowed some more wine. “And I wasn'ts t'inking about your feelings. I wasn'ts even t'inking about my own.”

“I didn'ts mean to scares you. I didn'ts even think I coulds.”

“I don'ts like people to know I scareds.”

“Of course you don'ts.” Toki scoffed, then again, louder. “Fucks, you's the worst friend in the histories of ever. I shouldn'ts have to spend so much energies on figuring you outs. I shoulds have a reasonable idea of who you ares, by now.”

“Well, dere am one t'ing to says about being stucks in a car wit' someone most of de day. You can'ts really hide not'ings.”

“We's riddens around on the Dethbus, or the Dethkopter.”

“Ja, but we amn'ts ever been alones, like dis. De dynamic am differensk. Woulds we has ever gones to an orgy, wit' Pickle, Nat'ans, and Moidaface?”

Toki snorted. “No. . .hopes not, anyway.”

“Den dere you go. Dis am a once in a lifetimes opportunities, for us. I amn'ts looking to wastes it.” Skwisgaar squeezed his knee. “And now I gots to pee.”

Too many experiences like this with Skwisgaar kept Toki from completely sweeping his doubts under the rug. However, he _did_ feel better after receiving what he deemed a genuine apology. Skwisgaar was right that Toki understood his reservations toward openness; why else would Toki bother calling him on his bullshit whenever the air grew thick of it? Still, Toki wished he didn't have to. He'd much rather be friends with someone that didn't need alcohol to express the tiniest slice of positive emotion. 


	13. Insight

While Toki woke up with a minor headache, it didn't compare to what he received the last time he drank this particular wine. He couldn't remember all of what last night entailed, although its high points stuck. Skwisgaar retired in his own bed—a good move on both their parts. After reestablishing some semblance of peace, Toki would've hated to compromise it again with potential awkwardness.

He shot himself with his daily insulin, then opened up the pizza he'd hardly touched the night before. At least after enough alcohol and with a good atmosphere between himself and Skwisgaar, he found enough of an appetite to get a couple pieces in him. His heartburn worsened enough for him to sneak over into Skwisgaar's mobile pharmacy.

All the pills rattling about woke Skwisgaar, who lifted his head and peered at Toki with barely cracked eyes. “What ams you doing?”

“Lookings for Tums.”

“Oh.” With a deep sigh, Skwisgaar rolled onto his back. “What time ams it?”

“Bits after noon. I alreadies went down to the office and gaves the guy money for tonights.”

“Okay.”

“Sorries I wokes you up. If you wants to goes back to sleep, I mights get out of here for a bits. There's a couples thing I coulds do around town.”

“Likes what?”

“Shoulds probably go to the laundromat, and mights not hurt to gets the car looked at. Would sucks for it to breaks down just because it needed some oils.”

Skwisgaar rubbed his face. “I mights get up. Coulds find a pawn shop, and do some shoppings. Or a seconds-hand store.”

“If you wants to come, I'll waits for you to gets ready.”

With all their dirty laundry thrown together in plastic bags, Toki took a seat on the end of his bed while he waited for Skwisgaar's shower to end. Damn. Just as Toki determined to close his and Skwisgaar's brief chapter of sexual involvement, the urge for it bubbled up again. Would Skwisgaar be _totally_ opposed to being joined in there? Probably not, but Toki needed to stay strong. Emotional entanglement was the price too-well learned, for sleeping with Skwisgaar. The torture ran long-term, however good he felt in the moment.

Too bad that didn't annihilate his attraction. Eating another slice of pizza, Toki suppressed external reaction to the fresh-smelling man brushing his hair on the opposite side of the room. “I wouldn'ts has even thoughts about doings de clothes. Ams a good idea. Probablys wouldn'ts hort to buys anot'er package of underwear anyway, just in case we don'ts get dis opportunity agains.”

“I's just not lookings forward to sittings at the laundromat. Kinds of boring. Mights not be bad if you comings, unless you starts an argument.”

“ _Pff_ , you wants to starts one rights now, wit' dat attitude?”

The glint in Skwisgaar's eye, contrary to all the previous waves of annoyance they fed Toki, only made the younger man smile. “I's just jokings with you, holy. You don'ts got to be rights on my throat abouts it.”

“Maybes I wouldn'ts mind one day where I don'ts got to puts energy into an arguments.” Skwisgaar pulled his socks on. “Coulds we try for dat? Ams too exhausting.”

“Does you nots want to fight because is energy-consumings, or because you actuallies want to gets along with me, for once?”

“Porhaps a bits of both.”

“You was drunks last night, but I believes what you said.” Toki moved beside him. “I woulds like to sees that from you sober, now. I's not fighting with you, I's challenging you. Don'ts be so reserved or round-abouty. Contraries to what you probablies believe, it wouldn'ts be the end of the world.”

“It amn'ts like I torns a switch and I's a different porson,” Skwisgaar replied. “Dis am mores like learnings a whole new lansguage.”

“Whats excuse you got, then? You's done that before. . .sort of.” Some portions of Skwisgaar's English had much to be desired, not that Toki was much to talk. “But you know whats? You has mades a good case for us beings friend, so I's a bits more patient for that. You's lucky that I understands whatever language this is you speakings right now, with your attitudes.”

“Ifs you know how to reads me, den why I gots to change, ah?”

“Just enoughs for it nots to blow up between us, anymore. I shouldn'ts be that optimistic, since we probablies always going to fight, but woulds be nice for the periods in between to last a bits longer, don'ts you think?”

“Ja, I cans agree wit' dat. At least untils we get home.”

“See, don't starts with that. This is anothers thing I gots a problem with. You constantly say things that are likes you don'ts really care all that much abouts us friendship. Does you think that I goings to reads you the right way forever? Perceptions is reality, Skwis. If I gets overwhelmings evidence that you don'ts give a shit, then thats is what I's obligateds to believe. Besides, I's not goings to be a doormat for you no mores. I keeps talking about last chances for you, and you keeps giving me _just_ enough to extends that one more time, but I'm tireds of this fighting cycle we gets into. It isn't so noticeables at home, since we cans get away from each other and we don't spends all our time together, but is differents out here. We gots no choice but to comes to a compromise if we wants this to be any funs at all, and Toki isn'ts going to make all the sacrifices. You gots to budge some too, and not just because I makes you. You needs to _want_ to meets me halfway. So if we startings there, is that even somethings you think you cans do?”

Studying Toki, Skwisgaar gave a small nod.

“Actuallies? Or are you just lyings to me so thats we'll keeps heading west?” Toki crossed his arms. “See what I means? You gots to give me more than this. Is like pullings toenails with you. Why is it so hards to levels with me?”

“I don'ts know. Maybes I don'ts got de words.”

“Yes you does. I says them to you alls the time. You shoulds has picked up on a couples by now.” Patience waning already, Toki sighed. “Whatsever then, Skwis. Let's just go does our laundry. I nots gonna waste all my breaths on this today.”

“Hey now, holds on a minute.” A hand on Toki's shoulder thwarted his motion to stand. “Maybes I do gots de word. But what good am sayings dem if I don'ts know _how_ to? De only t'ing worse dan not sayings dem at all is soundings like I don'ts mean dem when I does.”

“So you pracksice. You know how it work, because you's capable of givings me that littles bit what makes me hopefuls, just when I's about done with you. Isn'ts it worth puttings the energy toward keepings me happy with you, rathers than fights me back toward that when I's pissed off?”

“It ams,” Skwisgaar agreed. “And. . .I should says dat dis amn'ts about sparings myself de effort. Is fruskratings, dat we keeps going through dis cycle. I. . .amn'ts all dat experienced abouts having friend. Honestlies, you am de forst one I reallies ever had. De ot'er guys came laters for dat, afters we'd all lived together longs enough and didn'ts have much choice. But I nevers had anyt'ing like dat before you. No one else woulds bother.”

“No offence, but is it anys wonder?”

“No.” Skwisgaar rubbed his arm. “I don'ts know. I nevers wanted to be close to anyone. Was always better to be alone.”

“Don'ts you get lonely?”

“Sometimes, I guess. I gots peoples around, whet'er ams you or de ot'ers, or whoever I fuckings at de time.”

“Beings in company don'ts make you less lonely. Actuallies forming and maintainings relationships with them do. Nots just dismissings asking questions and answering someone else's as something you only does in court.” Toki rubbed his back. “Tries it out today. See what happens. Who knows, maybes you'll like it.”

“Gots to be better than fightings. Ah. . .” Skwisgaar's gaze dropped when Toki lifted an eyebrow. “I means, ja. I ams game. Let's fucking do it.”

Even just that little bit forced restraint against kissing Skwisgaar's cheek in excitement. Toki wanted to immediately believe that they'd made a break-through—and maybe they had—but legacy had yet to bear witness. With a smile and swell of his chest, Toki settled on a happy sigh. “Readies to go?”

Charles cleared his throat, at his podium in Stockholm. “Is it your personal opinion of the defendant, then, that he is emotionally stunted or withdrawn? Or a fair mix of both?”

“Um. . .” Toki took his time to ponder it. “Probablies a little bits of each, though I woulds lean toward emotionally stunted. He's provens to me that he has the want for companionships, but he doesn'ts completely understands how to gets that. He isn'ts a spring chicken, and I thinks to this day I mights be the only person that's really evers been that close to him. If I was a littles less stupid, I woulds has probablies given up on him a longs time ago. I considers myself really goods at finding the best in people though, and I know he hads the capabilities for it. He showeds me here and there, and afters I started to figures him out, it was actually kinds of funny, how he'd take a step in the right direction, then freeze and catapults backward because he mights has made himself vulnerable.”

“And why do you believe he does that?”

“Well, he mentioneds being lonely, and whenevers he talked about Sweden, he nevers really talk about the people he liked there. I didn'ts think he had any friends when he wents to school, and is common knowledge—for us in Mordhaus, anyway—that his mom wasn'ts around very much. And when she was, she always had guys there. So I thinks he miss out on something really crucial, for socializings. He tolds me some stuff between Spokane and Portland that made it seems like anytime he ever reach out, bad things happened. Woulds be very easy to feels forgotten by the world, and worthless by extents. Why woulds anyone want you—how coulds you be anything special—when you grows up in an environments like that? Is probably why and how he got so goods at the guitar, too. The guitar tooks him away from Sweden, boths in his head and eventuallys in real life. He's always measureds himself by that. If people loves him for his creativity, that's good enoughs. If, say, I gots better than him, I was threatenings the only thing that made his existence worthwhile.”

“As for this insight on the defendant, how did your road trip affect previously held convictions?”

“I would say. . .” Toki narrowed one eye in thought. “It gots a lot more urgent to me that we figures ourselves out because we had sex, but as for affectings how I saws him? He becames less this cold shell and more someone with verys thin armour. Is pretties true in my experience that peoples who act like they don'ts care usually ares the one that gets hurt the easiest. Like he always tolds me, is easier nots to care. Because whats is the alternative?”

Back in Missoula, after emptying the car of anything valuable or possibly indicative toward their identity, they drove about the city in search for a laundromat in near vicinity to a garage. The chore offered little opportunity for discussion, but Toki read the older man between the lines. It was nice to have a partner, even through such a menial activity. With Skwisgaar mentally present, Toki's mood couldn't be undermined as they pulled up to their selected facility for cleaning their clothes. “So how you wants to do this? I coulds get the laundry started, if you wanteds to drive the car over and walks back?”

“Ja, I coulds do dat. Amn'ts far. You t'inks it would takes dem long?”

“Depends how busy they are. Ats the end of the day, they mights not have as manys appointments, and coulds just pops the hood or whatever.”

“Cool. Don'ts really wants to hang out at dis place longers dan we haves to.”

“And why nots? Looks at all those old ladies, _oooh_ ,” Toki teased him with a poke to the ribs.

“ _Pff_.” Skwisgaar batted his hand away. “Calls me crazy, but I amn'ts in dat kinds of a mood latelies.”

“Amazings. This is quites a few days in a row.”

“I guess. Could says dat maybes my interest beens elsewhere.”

Toki's heart skipped a beat when a weight was introduced to his knee. After yesterday's difficulties—not to mention his earlier determination for return to a strictly platonic nature—he should tell Skwisgaar no. When he looked over at the other man however, completely prepared to share his mind about it, he saw someone much more tentative than he previously dealt with. The contact between them originated not from habit or aimless compass of attraction, but something capable of arching Skwisgaar's eyebrows and making him nervously chew his bottom lip. Toki recognized immediately a fleeting fear he experienced all too often: rejection. For the adverse effect that would cause in this instance, Toki couldn't discourage Skwisgaar's exploratory steps in search for intimacy. His own feelings made repudiation all the more impossible. Praying to any and all gods that this originated from somewhere as genuine as Toki perceived, he rested his hand atop the other man's and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Skwisgaar smiled with a new laxness in his shoulders. “Gives to me de key, ja? I won'ts be too long.” 


	14. Catch-22

With nothing to do but people-watch after getting their clothes in the wash, Toki rapidly grew bored while he waited for Skwisgaar to return. He estimated a ten to fifteen minute hiatus, but after half an hour passed, he grew a tad concerned. Skwisgaar rounded a corner down the street just when Toki considered leaving their laundry to look for him. Skwisgaar toted a bag, as well as a soda.

“I stoppeds in at a t'rift shops on de way back,” he explained. “Dey didn'ts have a guitar, but I found some books. And drinks. I gots one wit'out sugars, in case you were t'irsty.”

“Thanks.” Toki popped the tab. “What kinds of books?”

“Probablies not'ing you would like. Dey gots a good selection, if you wanteds to go back later. I gots all dese for less dan five bucks.”

No wonder why; Toki recognized none of the lowbrow science fiction and fantasy beyond it belonging to Skwisgaar's niche of interest. Toki maintained a straight face until sifting brought up something completely unexpected. “I'm sorrys, is this a western?”

“Ams an _erotics_ western.” Skwisgaar smirked. “Lookeds funny. Flips t'rough it.”

“Ugh! Whats is this? 'Take me from behind cowboy, nobody's been down my shit alley for so long.' How gross!”

“Shhh, keeps it down,” Skwisgaar chuckled along with him anyway, as a couple middle-aged women in their vicinity cast unimpressed looks. “Ams prettys trashy, ja.”

“Why woulds you read this?” Toki whispered. “How coulds you get through _one page_ of it?”

“Was mores a novelty porchase dan a serious t'ing.” Skwisgaar plucked the book out of his grasp and gazed at the cover. It was adorned by a prostitute in the arms of some strong-jawed cowboy in the midst of a saloon fight. “If I finish everyt'ing else or am in de rights mood, I wills cracks dis one. For twenty-five cents, I thoughts it might be worth puttings onto my bookshelf as a joke.”

“Yeah rights, you probablies going to reads that one first, in the middles of the night when I's asleep. Does shits alleys get you goings?” Toki snorted again.

“Fucks off, don'ts call it dat.” Skwisgaar shoved him amiably. “And fucks you, I'ds rather reads fantasys.”

“I thoughts that what the trashy westerns was?”

“You can'ts help yourself, cans you?” Skwisgaar tossed _Harlots of Flagstaff_ back into the bag and brought out something with an impressive-looking dragon on the cover. “I meants dis. Checks it out, ams pretty brutal, ja?”

“I guess.” _The Elf King of Draconia_ didn't sound very exciting to Toki, but he could appreciate how it lit up Skwisgaar's eyes.

“Ams maybe a littles dorky,” Skwisgaar conceded as he flipped it over to read the blurb again. “But dat don'ts mean it can'ts be cool at de same time.”

“Kinds of like you.”

“Huh!” Skwisgaar loudly scoffed. “Well, maybes because I likes dem den dey becomes more cool and less dorky.”

“Relax, you don'ts got to gets defensive abouts it. I's only teasing because is sweet.” Everyone needed a guilty pleasure; Pickles had children's cartoons, Nathan lost his shit over baby animals, and Murderface leisurely perused tome-like textbooks covering a variety of historical subjects. Skwisgaar spending a portion of his imagination toward clumsily built landscapes and cardboard characters was a wonderful contrast to the man that normally shat on anything less than sublime.

“ _Pff_ , sweets amn'ts much better.” Skwisgaar swung a leg over the chair's armrest and cracked his book.

“Whats you like about it?” One of the first non-guitar things Toki ever learned about Skwisgaar was his affinity toward fantasy and sci-fi. He'd borrowed a couple of the books recommended to him, although couldn't mirror the engrossed bandmate flopped out on the bed with lips slightly agape as his eyes streamed back and forth. “What speaks to you?”

“I amn't shore, really.” Skwisgaar lifted his head. “Dey ams just been what I always read, since I hads to pick t'ing from de library in school. Dragons am pretties cool, and I likes goings into a different place that woulds never exkist in real life. And beside, if we nevers had sckience fictions, you wouldn'ts ever gets to know what ams like to be in space. You am nevers going to leaves Earth, stands on de moon, or visits Mars in real life. I gives you a minute to lets dat sink in.”

“Is that somethings you would actually wants to do?”

“Maybes not, for all de t'ing you haves to go t'rough to gets onto a space ship. It probablys wouldn'ts even be as cool as we expect. I woulds like to floats around in no gravities or looks at Earth from de moon, but for dose cool t'ing dere am a million other t'ing dat would suck. Can'ts breathe up dere wit'out a suit, and de whole toilet t'ing ams pretty shitty. Ah, no puns intended.”

Toki giggled anyway, encouraging Skwisgaar to lean back at an angle and rest his head on his shoulder. The decision to scope Skwisgaar's favoured brand of escapism wrapped an arm around his neck; it took all the self-control Toki possessed not to kiss the part of his hair. “So whats is this book about?”

“Basicallys it am based in dis place called Draconia, where dragons dwell ups in de mountain,” Skwisgaar informed him. “Dis guy here ams de king of de elves, but he am onlies sixteen. Hims dad die when he was youngs, and he has been stucks on de throne since den. All he evers wanted to do was go outs and slays a dragon, which ams what you do in dis culture as de rites of passage to adulthood. All de serfs get to does it, but he nevers did. So he ams goings to run off wit' dis serf guy and dey goings to get it done.”

“Is a lots to happen in the first five pages.”

“It hasn'ts really happen yet. He ams mopings around not feelings like a grown-up evens though he got all dese responskibilities, and he gots dis serf friend, so amn'ts hard to predick what happen from dere.”

“Then why you reads it, if you alreadys know?”

“It amn'ts de end what ams important. Ams de journey.” Fingertips skimmed over Toki's forearm. “Killings de dragon amn't what makes you a grown-up, ams what you do to gets enough courage.”

“But isn'ts it just the sames kind of thing? He and this serf guy is goings to become betters friend, they goings to run into trouble, escapes that, and then probablies do a lot of walking in betweens.”

“You makes it sound so formulaics. Okay, so maybe dere am a bits of dat, but I hasn'ts read two book dat am so similars I put one down. Dese am just what I likes.”

Toki didn't have to enjoy it to understand. He fell quiet to let Skwisgaar concentrate on his book, and wound up dozing off until his name cut through the lapse of consciousness. “Hm? Whats?”

“I t'ink de laundry ams done.”

“Did you switch it overs to dry?” Toki rubbed his eyes. He probably would've woken up if Skwisgaar moved, though.

“Oh, we gots to do dat too?”

“Unless you wants to wear it wet.”

“ _Pff_.”

Toki didn't have to ask for help to receive it. As result, various socks and shirts hit the floor as Skwisgaar distracted him. How often did they ever do anything domestic together? Even before Dethklok hit it really big, they relied on either klokateers or willing ladies to take care of their basic needs. While Toki learned some elementary aspects regarding food and clothing, Skwisgaar never participated. Somehow, Skwisgaar scooping wayward clothes off the floor attracted Toki more than him naked and pawing for attention. Good thing they were in public. If not, what kept Toki from setting Skwisgaar up on one of the folding tables and indulging himself?

When Skwisgaar behaved, he became the very type of person Toki could see himself with. If not for the fact that they simply _weren't_ together, this afternoon felt like how someone would spend it with their boyfriend. Toki succeeded in getting through to Skwisgaar about intention versus perception, but how long could that last? He dreaded the next relapse, for how Skwisgaar would disappear behind an impenetrable mask. Either that, or Toki would cave to the irrational organ pounding away inside his rib cage, and then everything would spiral downward from there. The severe restraint it took not to touch Skwisgaar like a lover worsened as they gathered up their things and made their way back to where the car got serviced.

“I gots to say,” Toki broke the silence, “has beens real hard to feels like anything but a regulars jack-off today.”

“Ams a goods day so far. Dis am de kind of break I neededs, from everyt'ing. I'ms almost dreading headings out tomorrow.”

“Too longs in one place, and we'll just gets bored.” Toki switched the bag of clothes he carried to the hand closer to Skwisgaar, so as to stave off the urge to grab his. “I's just happy we outs of all the borings flat places. Wills be more to see, now.”

“Untils we hit de desert.” Skwisgaar paused. “Befores we did dis, dids you ever want to travel?”

“I nevers get the chance to. We always travelling, for this or thats.”

“Shore, but I means outsides dat. We nevers get to see places like we see dis one. We always stays in de fanciest hotel, eats de food dey brings us, plays de show, signs de autograph, you knows how it go. You rans away from home. Did dat have anyt'ing to do wit' wantings to see de world?”

“A bits, I suppose. I wanteds there to be more than the littles tiny place my parents lived in.”

“I tooks for granteds dat I hads way to escapes my crappys life. What dids _you_ do? You gots a pretties good imagination, so you must has puts it to use.”

“Couldn'ts read anything beside what was in the Bible, but I hads guitar and piano, and I woulds make up stories in my head before I fells asleep.”

“Likes what?”

Toki chuckled. “Stupids little kid stuff. Why?”

“You ams de one dat tolds me dis morning it ams okay to ask t'ing I wants to know about. So I asking about t'ing I wants to know about.”

“Is probably stupids to you, since was things you tooks for granted.” Toki returned mentally to his dark room in Scandinavia, where he could see mountains and the moon through the window. “I dreameds about going to a real school in Lillehammer, abouts having friends that I could play with. Is dumbs, in hindsight, but was what I wanteds.”

“Is never dumbs to dream. If we didn'ts, neit'ers of us would be here.”

Toki got in line to hand the necessary money over for the car, while Skwisgaar leaned against it outside. How long could he reasonably hold off? Torn and a little frazzled, Toki remained quiet on the drive back to the motel. He busied himself inside with putting his clothes away while Skwisgaar crashed on his bed.

Just because Skwisgaar was pleasant didn't mean they should have sex. It didn't make Skwisgaar susceptible to or even aware about how deep Toki's respect ran. They were _friendly_ , not coquettish. Why couldn't Toki just _accept_ that, and be grateful for camaraderie? Why did his stupid dick have to conspire against him like this?

“What ams you doings?” Skwisgaar asked, as Toki pulled his shirt off.

“Goings to have a nap. Maybes when I wake up we coulds grab some dinner?”

“Ja, I coulds eat in a couple hour, or so.”

Toki curled up under his blanket, facing the opposite wall. Maybe if he slept off desperation, he could think more clearly. Right now, consequence was nowhere on his radar. He wanted to curl up next to Skwisgaar, and didn't exactly care what came of that. What did it matter, if tomorrow dawned awkward? Even if Toki wrote off the potential for longevity, why should the prospective future undermine what could be significant on its own terms?

Inner toil foiled sleep. Toki laid instead with his eyes closed, listening to the other man's minute shifts punctuated by the turn of a page. Then, yawns filtered in. Paper brushed fabric, halting Skwisgaar's advance in the story before he picked the book back up for a second attempt. Fatigue won out, groaning his mattress as Skwisgaar too undressed for slumber. Toki wished so hard for a tug on his blanket that his insides ran cold in surprise when it actually came.

Skwisgaar maintained distance, presenting Toki with a choice. Either he did nothing and let him sleep, or he could see what happened. Unable to decide, Toki turned his head. “Skwis?”

A hesitation. “Dids you wants me to goes back to my own bed?”

“Nots really.”

“Dids I wake you up?”

“No.” Resolve rapidly deteriorating, Toki rolled over. Nobody looked better than Skwisgaar when his face relaxed under weight of weariness. Taking lack of protest as permission, Skwisgaar scootched closer.

“Skwis. . .” Toki pressed his lips together, heart fluttering at mere brush of their knees. “We beens over this.”

“Do you stills not trust me?”

“It isn'ts that. This has gones on a lot longers for me than us beings on the road.” Terrified for the consequences, Toki just about choked on his words. “You's real importants to me. I don'ts want to screws this up, because I woulds rather be your friend than risks it all. And you can't says it just sex. Maybes it is for you, but it can'ts be, for me.”

“It ams different, wit' you. Ats de very least, I cans grasp dat sleepings wit' a friend have way more consequence dan doings it wit' someone who ams a complete stranger.”

“Don't says that. I don'ts want to gets my hopes up that it'll turn into something that won'ts happen.”

“How woulds you know what it coulds be, if you don'ts take de chance?”

“ _Don't_ , Skwisgaar. You tolds me in Chicago, whatever happens on the road stays on the road. Nothings can be that blacks and white for me. I broughts this on the road, and I'll for damn sures be leaving with it too.”

“Den what ams de difference what we do, if not'ing goings to change?”

“Because I don't want—” No; mentioning a broken heart was too much, and practically unavoidable already. “Because nothing changes for _you_. When we goes home, will you says that you aren'ts different? Woulds you forget everything we does and just goes back to screwing old sluts? Or wills you miss this?”

“I'll put it dis way: I woulds miss it if you gaves me somet'ing _to_ miss.” Skwisgaar rested a hand on Toki's hip. “Sex am sex, but we capables of a bit more dan dat, amn'ts we?”

“ _I_ ams. Don'ts know about you, so much.”

“Why you assumes dat wit'out givings me de chance, ah?”

“Because you's thirty-five and you's never dones it before.”

“Nots true. I hads a girlfriends in Sweden when I moveds back wit' my mom and Tyr. Maybes I wasn'ts dere long, but we mades it work while I was, and I nevers cheated on her once. So trys again to tells me I—”

Toki couldn't stand talking, anymore. In a way, he resented hearing unspoken promises about what might grow between them should the right time have finally presented itself. Haphazard press of lips challenged Skwisgaar again to show instead of tell. Toki wanted something concrete to stand on, rather than the clinical hand of someone that merely learned the motions of pleasuring another person. As he sought to unravel the older man, something slipped; a proficient touch yielded to mirrored eagerness. Need to breathe resulted in something deplorably uncoordinated for their collective experience. At one point, Toki moved back to remind himself he still laid with Skwisgaar. Swollen lips and a half-lidded gaze scrambled the rest of his circuits. The only sensible thought he discerned was intention to show Skwisgaar how good it could be, if they stopped this game of cat and mouse. If Skwisgaar handed himself over, Toki would make it _so_ worth his while.

Immediacy promoted fervency, but as the urgency for closeness and to map the body opposite calmed, Toki sensed curiosity and focused attention in the other man. With such an opportunity for openness, Toki decided not to hold back. He loved this person, and he would show him that. If Skwisgaar's verdict for what happened next was based on this single moment, Toki couldn't fuck up. He couldn't let the thrill of fucking Skwisgaar undermine a more recreational pace. Caressing replaced grabbiness, and Toki's deviations from Skwisgaar's lips stemmed from desire to prove himself, rather than every nip and taste representing an achievement trophy. He'd seen Skwisgaar lost in the throes of physicality—heard these noises and been clung to—but soft eyes without the aid of drugs nearly derailed Toki's concentration. He rested his forehead against the older man's, having effectively rolled him onto his back, and simply enjoyed occupying the space between his legs while plush, swollen lips touched different points of his face. This seemed possible— _too_ possible—and Toki couldn't be happier for that.

“So this part of your road trip presented a turn in the relationship you share with the defendant?” Charles asked when Toki paused in his probably-pathetic attempt to recount the emotion that went with his and Skwisgaar's encounter.

“Was a really goods day, but you gots to keep in mind that Skwisgaar was still Skwisgaar. He hads his goods day and bad. I didn'ts regret that I gaves up on swearings him off, and I certainlys didn'ts regret how honest I was with him, afters that. There's just a points in your life, that. . .well, for lacks of a better way to say it, you just don'ts gives a fuck anymore.” 


	15. Fleeting

Having already needed a nap, Toki hardly managed to find a comfortable position against Skwisgaar before his breath evened out. He woke up an hour or so later with a numb arm and itchy shoulder, the latter due to Skwisgaar's strewn hair. Amazing, that snoring so close to his ear allowed Toki even _that_ much sleep. When Toki tucked some of the strands away, a shift brought them closer together. The arm looped around his waist tightened.

This might very well be the last Toki experienced of Skwisgaar's simpatico nature. With orgasm and expended energy in his wake, anticipated regret manifested. Did Skwisgaar take him seriously? Did he understand that pining stemmed not solely from his dick's whims? No matter how much Toki hinted toward his feelings, there always remained doubt he and Skwisgaar occupied the same page in their regard.

Another shift on Skwisgaar's part brought a broad forehead close enough for a kiss, of which Toki obliged. “What time ams it?”

“Six, or so.”

“Mm.” Skwisgaar's knees cracked as he stretched. “Dat was _real_ goods.”

Stroking the man's hair, Toki sighed through his nose. “Skwis, we needs to talks.”

“Oogh, dose amn'ts words anyone ever want to hear.”

“Please don'ts jokes about it, this is really serious to me.” Toki tried to smile, but it refused to come. “Maybes you won'ts care, maybes we on differents fields, but I'm sicks of pussyfootings around you. I can'ts imagine that _everything_ has gones over your head. I know you're not stupids. Every time we fucks, you has to realize that you sleepings with someone that cares a lots about you, and nots just the way friends do.”

“Mays have occurreds to me,” Skwisgaar acknowledged with a nod.

“May haves, or did? Please don't slips back into vague, half-assed answers. I needs to know where exactly you stands on everything I wants to says to you. I don'ts want to guess anymore. Trys a different response.”

“I realized dat somet'ing was ups. Although I guess if you didn't says anyt'ing, woulds has been easy to just assumes dat runnings away and den killings Ludwig stress you out.” Skwisgaar scratched his cheek. “But I amn't stupids. Maybes about some t'ing, but nots dat. I knows I gots a differents effect on you. I has suspecked it fors a while, actually.”

“What make you suspect it?”

“Just hows we goes back and fort' on gettings along.” Skwisgaar propped up on his elbow. “You looks up to me, but you's never afraid to gives me shit when I ams beings a dickhead or a dumbass. But evens though you ams more aware dan anyone abouts my flaw, you still want to pals around wit' me at de end of de day.”

“Would stills be true if I onlies wanted to be your friend,” Toki pointed out.

“Ams de way you looks at me, den. I don'ts know, how does you explains dis?”

“I can'ts really explains it either. I respects you greatly, but isn'ts the same for someone like Nathans or Pickle. You always had this mystery arounds you, so I fills in the blanks to who I thoughts you might be. Most of the times, I nots far off. Always seen you as a littles dorky, especially after you gots all pissed off because of what Snapes did at the end of Half-Blood Prince.” Toki's cheeks tightened briefly toward a smile. “And then it wasn't so much mystery, buts armour. Is why I calls you on your shits all the time, because I don'ts understand why you hides that you gots opinions or feelings. Bigs news, Skwisgaar: _everyone_ does. So whens you say things like that the bands want me around, or that everyone tooks a vote that I neededs to stop drinking so much, I knows you're better than that. Sure, a parts of me wants to hear you say that _you_ wants me around and _you_ needs me to stops drinking so much, but is also because you deserve to be honest withouts fear of what backlash that mights create.”

“Well. . .t'anks you, for believings dat for me.”

“Is unbecomings to you, when you sells yourself short.” Toki rubbed Skwisgaar's shoulder. “I's only ever wanteds you to be honest.”

“Ams hard to be, when beings honest has only evers gotten me. . .you knows. Horts, all dat stupid stuffs.”

“It isn't stupids, Skwis. I repeats: _everyone gots feelings_. I's not blind, either. I've seens your mom, and I bet she fuckeds up way more when you little than when she comes around now. At first I thoughts maybe because you nevers talk about beings a kid that you just hads nothing to say. You keeps to yourself mostly and are awkwards around people though, so I wonders if you really ever hads friends. And that breaks my heart for you, because I knows exactly what is likes to be that lonely. Sometimes I thinks that if I was a little smarters, I mights approach the world like you. I lets myself get hurts over and over again, but if I tooks a leaf out of your pages, then I coulds avoids that. But. . .when I sees it from the outside like this, is just sad. You's such a great guy, and the onlies way you lets anyone have any glimpse of you is through your music. It isn'ts fair to you, and it isn'ts fair to peoples like Toki who legitimately cares that we miss out. Well actually, those other peoples can go fuck themselves. You's special, and you needs to be treateds that way. They don'ts know what you need, like _I_ do.”

“What does I need, den?”

“Toki.” Well aware how cheesy that sounded, he chuckled along with Skwisgaar. “You need someone that will challenge you, that won'ts ever make you think you weak or stupids for caring about something. Thats has always been me. So you need Toki, or someones _like_ Toki. And I's right here, so why nots, huh?”

“It still amn'ts very practicals—”

“Who gives a _fuck_ abouts practicals?” Toki asked. “Why does you care so much what'll happens when we go home? Or whats our fans will thinks? Why don'ts you lets yourself have something nice? Ons the other hand, if all this arguments about practicals is just your way of tellings me you not interested, then tells me now.”

“Dat amn'ts it at all. But you can'ts deny dat t'ing will be hards when we get back to Mordhaus.”

“Maybes, but you won'ts be alone with it. I'll tells those guys how is goings to be. I gots no problems with that. Besides, I thoughts you was tryings to make an argument that we shouldn'ts go back.” Toki nudged him.

“Because it woulds make dis abouts a hundred time easier. We gots to be realistics about it, though. We goings to winds up back there evenskly, no matters how long we stays away.”

“So then we'll figures it out when that happen. Woulds you be ashamed about it? Emsbarrassed?”

“No. . .woulds just be weird. You knows what dey am all likes. Gay amn'ts metal.”

“You acts like that too, and looks how many dicks you's had in your butt.”

“I don'ts t'ink dey acting, though.”

Toki sighed, futility edging in on his exhilaration. “I guess I can'ts reason against that. Maybes when we gets home, if you lets this happen, it _woulds_ be the shits. But wouldn'ts it be worth it? They woulds get used to it. Then we wouldn'ts has to worry.”

“You hasn'ts even said what you wants wit' me, yet.”

“Isn'ts it obvious? I wants you to be my boyfriend.” When Skwisgaar didn't immediately respond, Toki continued. “No matters what happen while we on the road, no matters what you say rights now, is still goings to be true. I's not going to be ables to help treatings you like that so longs as you let me, and it isn'ts going to change that I's in love with you.

“So what it comes down to is ja or noes. You don'ts have to answer rights now, but this is totalies possible. You have nothings to worry about by sayings ja. Whatevers you give Toki, he'll be happies with.” To an extent, anyway. The little bit that Skwisgaar allowed now definitely wasn't enough.

“I woulds need to t'ink about it.” Skwisgaar shifted again to lay on his back. “Nots about how I feel or what I woulds like wit' you, but what come afters dat. I amn'ts like you, how you fly by de seat of your pants. Dis am still new for me, and I needs to feel it out forst.”

“There won'ts be no surprises about what it'll be like. You mights as well say you'll be my boyfriend for all the difference it'll makes, but I respects that you needs time.”

Toki slumped at the witness stand. Not much hurt more than realizing all over again just how naive he'd been in that moment. Truthfully, nothing was _ever_ as easy as you-like-me-and-I-like-you, and love blindsided him. He wanted _so badly_ to believe that he and Skwisgaar could mow down whatever adversity they encountered. They were supposed to be a team, and look at them now. Seven months of silence passed, they couldn't get any closer than this to each other, and what prospects existed for the future? Even after Skwisgaar served his sentence, what could Toki possibly hope for? He'd come achingly close to acquiring the love of his life, and Skwisgaar broke him for that. What Nathan designated as moping when Toki returned from his visit to Sweden wasn't exactly so; in actuality, Toki considered the entire affair a lesson well-learned. He'd never make himself vulnerable like that ever again.

“Motion for recess?” Charles requested.

“Granted.” Meshuggah banged his gavel. “Court will commence at nine o'clock, tomorrow morning. Rest up, everyone.”

Bailiffs approached both him and Skwisgaar; as one waited to escort Toki out, he glimpsed Skwisgaar whispering rapidly to Charles at the defence table, hand on the man's forearm and head leaned in. His gaze kept flitting toward Toki, sinking him all over again when it lingered long enough to register attention in kind. However, Skwisgaar being forced to stand so that his handcuffs could be administered for transport compelled Toki to leave the room without looking back. He hated himself even more, for the inability to move on. Why, after everything Skwisgaar put him through, did this longing persist? No person could possibly still harbour such feelings, even without control over emotions. Toki should hate the man with every fibre of his being. Parts of him did, but overall? He was still just as lost as the first time he legitimately made love to Skwisgaar.

“What was Skwisgaar tellings you, before they cuffed him?” Toki asked in the limousine, on the way back to the hotel. “Anythings I can know?”

“Sorry, Toki. You know the rules.”

“Was it abouts me?”

“I'm not at liberty to say.”

“Was it _for_ me?”

Charles sighed. “You need to finish your testimony before I can even confirm or deny that.”

“Then I don'ts want to go on the stand tomorrow. I quits.”

“You can't quit, at this point. Even if you weren't under subpoena, you're helping Skwisgaar.”

“Sometimes I wonder if there's even a points to that. Maybe he _shoulds_ rot in prison.”

“He wasn't arrested for anything against _you_ , though. You need to keep that in mind. I understand that you're angry, but objectivity is crucial to the judicial process.”

“Coulds learn a thing or two from you. You pulls off beings emotionless perfectly.”

Charles fell quiet then, which suited Toki just fine. He grabbed a coffee in the lobby before heading upstairs; what did the other guys do, tonight? Did they already leave in order to hit the next bar on their Stockholm To-Do list? Despite his strained relationship with them all—and although Toki would turn them down—he hoped they at least thought of him long enough to invite him out. While no texts came from any of them, he did have a missed call from his mother. Sipping his coffee, he waited for her to pick up on the other end.

Racket in the background furrowed his brow. “Mor, where are you?”

“Oslo Airport. I'm boarding in less than half an hour.” She sounded distracted; with so much going on around her, it was no wonder. “There are storms brewing at the border, so everyone's up in arms.”

“Do you think you should really be flying?”

“They haven't cancelled any flights, so I guess they'll make the call if necessary.”

“Well, call me if you _do_ get grounded. If you don't call, I'll assume you got on the plane and I'll meet you at the airport. Sound good?”

“Thank you, my little son.”

Killing time while watching the clock, Toki turned the television on for a short while. An episode of _Two Swedish Dads_ came and went, and with it no further contact from his mother. He explained the situation to Charles over the phone on his way to the garage, then headed north through the oppressive darkness held at bay only by the city's lights. Stockholm was a lot different than Toki remembered it, without Skwisgaar as his tour guide. It might as well be anywhere in the world, when he looked at it like this.

The limousine passed through Sollentuna when his phone buzzed in his pocket. His heart leapt when he saw the text came from Abigail.

_'Hey, Toki. Just wanted to update you. . .it came up positive.'_


	16. Ground Zero

 “Haves you got everything, elskling?”

“Just abouts.” Skwisgaar tucked damp hair behind his ear as he slipped his books into his duffel bag. “Who ams driving?”

“Thoughts I would start us off.” The day's goal was Spokane. Realization of how far they'd travelled from home hit them with solid force; now, even with Ludwig's corpse waiting to be found only a couple hundred miles behind them, it felt safe enough to slow down and legitimately enjoy the journey. Especially now, with freedom to hold, kiss, or cuddle Skwisgaar whenever he felt like it, Toki experienced no draw to Mordhaus. He feared just as much what Skwisgaar warned they might encounter there. Ready to fight or not, Toki loved the ease that came with removed anonymity. He had every intention of stretching it out for as long as possible.

When Toki returned from handing the key in, Skwisgaar leaned against the Mustang's driver door. Toki's attempt to get around him went thwarted by refusal to move. “Ares you wanting to drive instead?”

Skwisgaar's eyes weren't visible behind silver aviators, but a smile's slow crawl hinted toward impishness. “Nots in partiklar.”

“Then whats is this about?” Such an extra thrill derived from openly flirting with Skwisgaar. Hopefully it always felt this good to run his fingers over pale forearms, let their stomachs touch, and lean up for a kiss. Skwisgaar hadn't consented yet to the degree of companionship he craved, but Toki could tell already how much his inamorato basked in the attention it earned him. While his preferred pet name at first seemed to make Skwisgaar uncomfortable, it didn't take long for Toki to realize that the man's innards squirmed with unseasoned regard. Toki liked to believe he escorted Skwisgaar back to ground zero. Perhaps, with love, he could rewrite the man's definition of satisfaction.

His reflection in the sunglasses jarred Toki. Did he really look at Skwisgaar like that? Removing the distraction, he used the aviators to hold Skwisgaar's hair back against a gentle breeze. Brown hair on the man at first was little more than a disguise, but growing accustomed allowed for partiality. It made less obvious the dark circles around Skwisgaar's eyes, although that could be attributed to vitality. Everything Toki fed into Skwisgaar catapulted him backwards into youth.

Something new overcame Skwisgaar's features as dark blue eyes landed their sights on Toki's mouth, and his lips parted when he dipped back down. Toki viewed such initiative as a turning point in his favour, back in Spokane. All he saw in hindsight was the older man's lips peeling back to reveal fangs. His face transformed into something less than human, his pupils retracted to slits, and instead of soft lips sliding against his own, a strong mandible crushed Toki's throat.

In the limousine window, Toki's reflection withered away until skin grew taut over his skeleton. Somedays, he didn't recognize himself anymore.

As he located his mother in the airport, he gained the impression that that notion extended beyond himself. She too became unrecognizable, having taken a break from the plain, conservative clothes she wore around home in lieu of a heavy wool travel robe. Her mostly-grey hair pulled back into an efficient bun to reveal skin kept smooth by a mix of conscientious living and Norway's clingy winter. Toki regretted now his choice not to present himself cleanly; he'd slipped into well-worn sweatpants and a hoodie with a stain down its front, before leaving. A ponytail at the nape of his neck foiled frizzy hair. As he moved around other weary travellers, his psychic black hole brought everything down with it. People deflated like balloons and the lights dimmed. None of it touched the woman he approached. Her spine remained straight and her eyes bright when smiling. She deflected heavy air, virtually unaffected while standing toe to toe with him.

Suppressed din returned to normal as firm arms wrapped about Toki's neck. Taking over the labour around his childhood home, as well as erasing its oppressive patriarchy, had done his mother good. What inner-strength Toki clung to, wilted. He should have swallowed his pride and let her come with, initially.

She stroked his face. “You look so tired. Are you not sleeping?”

“Long day,” sufficed as explanation. In actuality, he'd stayed out until Saturday afternoon with the guys, slept off a killer hangover, and then let a more drastic form of his usual sleep problems afflict him thereafter.

“We should get something to eat.”

“How about when we get back into Stockholm proper? Could you wait that long?” Toki needed to build himself up to it, especially if she wished to visit a restaurant. He couldn't fathom clinking dishes and enveloping murmurs.

“I could. They offered a snack on my flight.”

Toki bought her some water anyway, and humoured her small talk as the limousine directed them southbound on the E4. When she fell quiet watching red taillights pass them on the Route, Toki checked his phone for any straggling texts from Abigail. They conversed a short while after she passed on her news, but the late hour in Tokyo on top of an early meeting to look forward to made her pack it in. He worried about her. Maybe Toki merely slipped into protection mode, but the idea of Nathan becoming a father to her child terrified him. What did he know about kids? As for Abigail, in her initial shock for pregnancy, she believed she could maintain her life's pace while taking care of a child. The suggestion she might not be able to work for a while flew right over her head.

“You look deep in thought, my little son.”

Toki continued to scroll through the conversation. “You remember my friend Abigail, right?”

“Of course.”

“She's pregnant.”

“Oh!” Anja's eyes widened. “I must have missed the news that she and Nathan got married.”

“They didn't, yet.” Much as he loved his mother, Toki grew easily annoyed with her overly-traditional worldviews. Her tightly pressed lips blew his protection into overload. “It's very common for women to have babies before they get married nowadays, or to not get married at all.”

“They're engaged, aren't they?”

“I told you that, ja.” If his mother poised to lecture him about the sanctity of marriage again, Toki didn't want to hear it. She'd badgered him since he first mentioned Abigail to ask her father for her hand, and that only got worse when the two women met. That of course didn't help Toki's case against interest in men, but he slowly reached the point where he didn't give a shit anymore.

“It's such a shame. I would've taken her so happily as a daughter-in-law.”

“We're friends, and that's all we'll ever be. She's engaged to Nathan and she's about to have his baby. I respect their relationship.” Begrudgingly so, anyway. “And I don't feel that way toward her.”

Anja sighed. “Toki, you're thirty-two years old. The women your age are drying up fast—either they're already taken or they're destined to be spinsters.”

“I know you want to be a grandma, but that might not be how things happen, for me. Maybe it _can't_. I don't want to give someone HIV.”

“There are ways around that, ja?” She asked. “Do you not want kids? Is that why you resist the idea?”

“If I'm honest with you, would you quit pressuring me so much?”

A nod on her part stalled Toki, for the nerves that manifested. When he first went to Norway, he played as safely as possible while gauging her opinion on certain aspects of his life. She didn't seem as potentially disapproving of his sexuality as he anticipated, although once he refuted it so adamantly when discussing his HIV with her, it was easier to go along than backtrack.

“I _do_ want kids,” Toki conceded. “I know I'm getting older, but all of that is so far away from my mind, right now. I've gotten really good at pretending that everything's okay, from being in Dethklok. The truth is, I'm about to lose one of my best friends to prison, and although I'm so angry sometimes that I can't handle it, I love him enough to know it's going to kill me a little bit more each day. Just like since I last saw him.”

Admitting that plunged an invisible knife through Toki's chest again. Rubbing the affected area didn't ease the physical portion of pain. “I got this from him. The HIV, I mean. I'm sorry I lied to you. I didn't want to be _that_ guy, you know? And I didn't want you to send me away.”

“Toki, I would _never_ send you away.” Anja placed a hand on his shoulder. “Besides, you don't think I can tell when my own son is hiding something from me? I already knew these things.”

“No, you didn't,” Toki initially denied. When his mother didn't argue, he glanced over at her out of the corner of his eye. “Do you think I'm sick?”

“I'm less concerned about you being in love with a man, and more about Skwisgaar himself. Murderer and convict aside, he isn't exactly friendly.”

“And how would _you_ know that?”

“Serveta, although I'm certain she knew someone very different than you did.”

“Skwisgaar's friendly, he's just not very open.” Toki paused. “It doesn't matter, though. It's all over, between us. I've had enough, and him going away is a great opportunity to get my life back. He's dominated it for far too long. I've wasted well over a decade on him.”

“That's a good attitude to have. Love shouldn't hurt. However good he might be, the bad parts count for something too. He seems to have. . .issues.”

“It's not his fault, though. I don't know what Serveta told you, but she's a big part of the problem.” Just like he did with Abigail, Toki couldn't refrain from defending those he cared about. Even if he shouldn't. “She wasn't exactly a great mother. I don't know if you realized that, or not.”

“She tried her best. I'm not going to justify her mistakes, but she's not here anymore to defend herself.”

“What did she tell you?”

“Not much. She described the low point in her life where she gave Skwisgaar up for a few years.”

Toki's stomach soured; he did his best not to outwardly react. “Did she ever say why?”

“Not enough money, and she spent too much time working. Of course, she saw it as for the best while she got her affairs in order. Her mother was very good to him.”

Serveta lied. Skwisgaar spoke very highly of his mormor Ida, but a lot more story teemed beneath the surface. Out of respect for Skwisgaar, Toki didn't correct his mother. “She was a good woman, from what he described. He didn't get along very well with his mom. Maybe they were too similar.”

“Both very stubborn, ja. And there's not much getting around that, once you start down the road of conflict.”

When Toki first returned to Norway, Anja picked up right where she'd left off on expectations for her son. Toki didn't uphold her standards in his hotel room, of which he immediately regretted as she pointed at a pair of boxers on the floor beside the bathroom door. He would've done a flash tidy-up if he knew that, after dinner, she'd want to see where he stayed. “Why are your clothes strewn all over the place? Did I never teach you better than this?”

“It's a hotel. There are maids.”

“I think you've just been spoiled again, these past few days.”

“Maybe. What does it matter? I don't even have to wipe my own ass here, if I don't feel like it.”

“Mind your language.”

Toki put his arms around her and worked them toward the door. “I think it's time for someone to sleep.”

“ _You_ , as soon as you've cleaned up your undergarments.”

“It's only nine-thirty.”

“A reasonable hour.”

As often as Anja forgot his age, Toki was grateful for someone else at his side. Being alone again didn't do well for dwelling, which meant he might benefit from a sleeping pill. At least he didn't need to worry anymore about partitioning his life while staying with his mother. He'd never speak again outside legal necessity or therapy about his crimes, so at least she could never label him a criminal as quickly as she did Skwisgaar. How ironic; in the grand scheme of things, Toki committed far more atrocities against humanity than Skwisgaar ever could. And yet, just because Charles cleaned those messes up and the extent of his reach weakened across international borders, Skwisgaar would rot while Toki himself remained a free man. If he thought about that too often, he'd die from the guilt.

Abigail was the most pervasive person on Toki's mind as he waited for the pill to kick in. For six hours straight, a deep state of sleep offered peace. He lifted his head when a noise from the bathroom got his attention; unable to leave the bed, Toki sat up against the headboard. His stomach dropped when Skwisgaar emerged, tying back his hair for sleep and having changed his contacts out for glasses. It didn't match up. While a fully brunet head indicated three-quarters of a year in the past, Skwisgaar hadn't gotten that eyewear yet.

Nonchalantly, the older man took a seat on the edge of the bed. “How fars did you wants to get, tomorrow?”

“Huh?” Toki's mouth resisted forming a coherent response.

“Dids you want to trys for Dallas, or do you t'ink we shoulds rest in de Texas panhandle?”

This had to be a dream. They never made it that far, on their road trip. Not to mention, they were _here_ , in Stockholm, rather than some shitty motel room in the United States.

Concentrating all his will toward speaking, Toki unstuck his teeth. “You needs to stop doing this.”

“Doings what?”

“Haunting me.”

“ _Pff_ , don'ts be dumb. I amn'ts dead.”

“You's dead to _me._ ”

“Huh, ja. Keeps telling yourself dat.”

Toki's eyes opened again, and this time he alone occupied the room. He easily imagined Skwisgaar's presence there, still familiar with it. He pulled the blanket over his head when the phantom scent of silver Marlboros teased his nostrils. He wasn't a smoker, but in the dead of the night he would light one up for something— _anything_ —real connecting him to Skwisgaar.

Twinkletits told Toki once that his ineffable attraction to Skwisgaar stemmed from unresolved feelings about his father. Both men occupied positions of power over him, and he failed on multiple occasions in both courts to obtain their approval. Toki believed offering forgiveness on the eve of his father's death would end a painful chapter of his life, but it only left him strung out on raw emotion. Maybe, if he'd been able to gain access to drugs and alcohol at Sobertown, he wouldn't have snapped and beaten that guy into an early grave. While Toki recognized how that might potentially trigger a need to please in regard to Skwisgaar, could he chalk it up so simply? Skwisgaar had his own charms, but perhaps that _could_ explain why, when their achievement burned, Toki couldn't get over it.

Both Skwisgaar and his father couldn't occupy his mind at the same time, for all the confusion, conflict, and pain they collectively inspired. Rather, Toki cast them both aside with some mild puttering about his hotel room. In the morning, if he was lucky, his mother would notice that his underwear found somewhere better to loiter than the floor. 


	17. Flip Side

 “I wouldn'ts mind again to tries finding a guitar, when we gets to Spokane,” Skwisgaar stated as they crossed the Idaho-Washington border. Their drive so far went relatively smooth; Skwisgaar tried to pull a bad mood when the iced coffee he got in Coeur d'Alene didn't fit his exact specifications, but Toki squashed his complaining before he barely had the chance to get started.

“You gots that on your mind, huh?”

“Has beens over a week since de last time I touch my Thunderhorse. You haves to admit dat am impressive.” Skwisgaar peered out the window at their first sights of the Evergreen State. “As I haves told you countless time, talent only count for so much. Ifs you want to stays on top, you—”

“Gots to practice, ja, ja.” Toki waved him off. “So, you thinkings about home, then?”

“Nots really. Just dat, if it count. Ams more a porsonal t'ing dan for Dethklok. I don'ts play de guitar because I'ms in a band, ams de ot'er ways around.”

“I never sees you play anything else. Is that a coincidence?” Toki himself boasted proficiency as well at the piano, and could pick up mostly any instrument with measurable degree of success. Of course, Skwisgaar wrote him off upon finding that out as the typical jack of all trades—average at his various practices, but lacking an area of expertise. Skwisgaar laid off on that particular assertion after it inspired Toki to challenge him at his one, defining skill.

“I playeds a couple other t'ing in my life, when I was youngers,” Skwisgaar replied. “Not'ing much worth notings. I dids piano lesson for a bits when I was four, but I had to stops when my mom couldn'ts pay my teacher. Den when I joined de band program, I got stucks on de flute.”

Toki snorted.

“Hey, fucks off. I woulds have you know I tooks dat in stride and gots as good at it as I coulds, evens if I couldn'ts read de music. I playeds dat for a couple year untils I gots my forst guitar.”

“You makes it sound like you didn't starts playing guitar until you was pretties old.”

“I was twelve. Ams maybe a bits later dan someone who would gets as goods as me.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “I t'inks I mades up for all dem year by how I dedicateds myself to de instrument. It becames my life.”

“I coulds believe that. What kind of a guitar did you starts on?”

“An Explorer.”

“And how the fucks did you affords _that?_ ” Toki glanced over when Skwisgaar didn't respond. “Hey?”

“Its was a gift. From, ah. . .one of my mom's boyfriends.”

“Oh. Thats was nice of him, I guess. Evens if he didn't stick around, huh?”

“Ja.”

Sensing discomfort by how Skwisgaar's hands slowly wrung, Toki brought the conversation back full circle. “Maybes once we get settleds in somewhere, we coulds go look for a guitar, then?”

“Shore.”

Then, trying to cheer the other man up, Toki smiled. “So you really can'ts read sheet music, huh? How dids you manage in band? Just listenings by ear?”

“Prettys much, ja. De books my teacher taughts out of had de standord issue songs, and den sometime he would adapt song he like into sheets music for us alls to learn. Dat coulds has fuck me up, but for de most part he tooks from movie soundtrack, so I woulds just watch dose. He was a bigs fan of Ennio Morricone, who mades de music for all dem spaghetti westerns back in de sixties.”

“Spaghetti westerns?”

“You know, likes what Moidaface mades us all watch a couple week ago, in de hot tub. Wit' Clints Eastwood chewings on a cigar, and everyone callings him Blondie?”

“You bitched more than anyones else when he puts it on and wouldn'ts give up the remote.”

“Ja, because I seens it only a millions time. But I wills admit, dere was one song on dat soundtrack what I really likeds. Ah, I nots talking about de theme song, because I t'ink dat am a givens. Ams calleds Marcia. Dis one.” He whistled a couple bars. “It always made me feel sad, but dat goods kind of sad, you know? I couldn'ts tell you why it get to me so good. Ams just a simple song.”

“Is never just a simple song, if it gots that kind of effect on you.”

“Guess nots, huh? Most of Morricone's stuff mades me feel hopeful, when I was a kids. Maybe was de movies dey was attached to, who knows? Who didn'ts want to go west and finds deir fortune, whet'er or nots dey was alreadies in America? Or if de movies was made in Spain and Italy?”

Toki felt too stupid to admit he didn't even know what America was until he ran away from his parents' house. “You nevers talk about music like this. Is always about what you working on, or whats you alreadies created. You don't say what kind of thing influence you. You just pretends that it come from a vacuum, like you a god.”

Toki's hand rested on Skwisgaar's thigh the rest of the way into Spokane. For someone celebrated for their musical virtuosity and lauded for reinventing their shared instrument, Skwisgaar liked a lot of trash. In high culture, as Toki assumed, those at the top fed off one another to create new art. He always figured that's how Dethklok's three main songwriters functioned, forming the crest as they did, but Toki forgot sometimes just where all five of the band's members rose from. Perhaps Pickles and Nathan had steady socioeconomic upbringings, but were either of them exposed to what the aristocracy preceding them deemed superlative? Whatever legacy their parents wished to provide, both chose to quite literally reside in garbage cans. If not for their phenomenal ability to create, would _any_ of Dethklok's members live differently now?

The door of the room they rented for the night in Spokane hardly had a chance to close before hands roamed up Skwisgaar's shirt. To Toki's glee, he immediately noticed that Skwisgaar rented a room fit with only one bed. “You know whats I loves about you?”

“Whats?” Skwisgaar leaned back against him.

“You puts yourself off as this high-class, arrogants asshole, but reallies, you aren'ts any less of a trash baby than Toki.” The younger man pulled brown hair aside so that he could kiss Skwisgaar's neck. “So tells me the truth now: whenevers you drop some musicals term, about scales or movements, or what has you, ares you just talkings out your ass?”

“Tooks you long enough to figures out.”

“Well, how woulds I ever realize any different?”

A knock at Toki's hotel room in Stockholm yanked him from deep sleep. Unsure if it occurred in real life, he rested his head back on the pillow. A rapid follow-up made him groan. “Who is its?”

“Rise and shine, my little son.”

“Ugh, Mor, it's. . .” It took more energy than Toki could expend to focus on the clock. He rethought opening the door with just his pyjama pants on, so rounded up a clean tee shirt first. “What're you doing here?”

“You need to start getting ready.” For such an ungodly hour, Anja already donned ironed clothes and not a single hair poked out of place. “I've ordered breakfast. Why don't you have a shower?”

Mechanically going about gathering his suit back together, Toki glanced at the bedside alarm. “Mor, it's _six-thirty_.”

“It is! And breakfast will arrive at seven.” Smiling, Anja nudged him in direction of the bathroom. “Go wash up.”

Toki braced against the wall as he emptied his bladder, head down and eyes closed. Today wouldn't differ from the last in regards to events and emotion, but his mood swung upward. Spontaneous thoughts of Skwisgaar couldn't sabotage it, and he even managed to forget the accompanying shame of jacking off in the shower while his mother sat in the next room. Brown hair tickled Toki's nose all over again when he muffled his groans against a flushed neck, while nails bit at his scars. Soft inner thighs tensing either side of his waist and slim hips straining to match pace quickened Toki's hand.

Back in Spokane, Toki wanted to do nothing more than fuck all day. He couldn't actually remember a time, even when he first discovered masturbation, that the urge struck so often. Unfortunately, Skwisgaar's bathroom schedule posted an unspoken kink in his plans; nevertheless, constant pawing earned a head between his legs. Having extinguished general need allowed for leisure and observation. Much as Toki loved Skwisgaar prostrate, there was something to be said for kneeling. Every scratch of his nails against Skwisgaar's scalp brought the man's gaze upward. The only thing more satisfying than that was a furrowed brow as Toki released a final sigh.

He wrapped an arm around Skwisgaar when joined on the bed. Popping noises further down stretched out the older man's knees. “How you get so good at that? You can'ts has been doings it all that much, back home.”

“I gets prackstice over de year. Don'ts take long to gets back up to codes.”

“I mights take it upon myself to lets you have all the practice you wants.”

“ _Pff_.” Skwisgaar pushed his cheek. “So whats about you?”

“What _abouts_ me?”

“You've sucked dick befores, ja?”

“I. . .nevers got around to it.”

“You wants to tries it?”

Toki wasn't oblivious to the erection pressing against his leg. The look in Skwisgaar's eye, as well as the train of lust that left them a sweaty mess, urged him to go for it. He'd fantasized about this, longed for the day. . .and yet, something froze him.

The longer he hesitated, the more unsettled Skwisgaar became. “Well?”

“I just gots to ask you something first.”

“Goes ahead, den.” Did the man's furrowed brow mean annoyance or confusion? Either way, this didn't head in a positive direction. Maybe Toki should've asked sooner, before it popped up in the moment. So much for allowing their harmony to prevail.

“Please don'ts think about this in a way that mights be offensive. How does I know, afters I do that, that you aren'ts going to sees me like anyone else that suck you off?”

One of Skwisgaar's eyes narrowed, his cheek pulling up to reveal teeth. His tone turned from chilly to ice cold. “Whats does you mean, dat I would sees you like anyone else?”

“I thinks is actually a good question.” That didn't help regain peace in the least, only putting space between them as Skwisgaar obscured himself with the blankets. “I means, how I know we on the same page, with everything?”

“You wants me to be your boyfriend. Amn'ts much clearer dan dat.”

“Ja, but you _nots_ my boyfriend. You's not sure, yet.”

“So whats, you goings to try and make me say ja because dere am less blood in my head? I can'ts believe you evens bringing dis up. So whats you saying, dat it ams okay for you to fucks me or for me to blows you, but you won'ts do anyt'ing like dat in retorn unless I says I'll be you boyfriend?”

“You makes it sound like those are just for me. You enjoys them too.”

“ _Pff_ , ja, but dat don'ts mean dat dat am alls I get from it! You t'inks I just a whore, or somet'ing?” Skwisgaar huffed and headed for the bathroom, scooping his pants on the way. “You wants to see me do somet'ing what am onlies for myself? Den you gets not'ing else. Fucks _you_.”

The problem lie in how well-acquainted Toki was with Skwisgaar's sexuality. He'd seen the guy balls deep in countless women, treating them like royalty and like he loved them. . .only for disinterest to glaze his eyes over afterward. Sometimes when Toki fantasized about fucking Skwisgaar, he didn't mind the idea of being demeaned while it happened. As for reality, well, Toki had to face it: Skwisgaar wasn't exactly wired for love. Why _would_ Toki be different, than anyone else Skwisgaar fucked? The man's orgasms all felt the same, blending into a solid myriad of his conquests. Getting swept up by Skwisgaar's acquiescence toward giving this a shot yielded to anxiety. What if Toki was getting ahead of himself? What if he gave too much?

Jacking off in the shower in Stockholm, Toki didn't let that part of the day creep into mind. When he considered it afterward, while washing his hair, he recognized it as one of the only portions of the road trip where logistics trumped emotion. For so long he concentrated on the impossibility of taming Skwisgaar, then focus on the magnitude of his own feelings narrowed his vision. Confronted with the potential for an about-face came at a bad time—not that there was a good one.

Toki knocked on the bathroom door, in Spokane. “Skwis, come out.”

“Can'ts hear you, I'ms jacking off.”

No way did Skwisgaar still work at himself—Toki gave him nearly an hour to cool off. “Whenevers you done, I wants to talk with you.”

“Maybes I'ms goings to run a bath.”

“Afters that, then.”

Shuffling sounded from inside, then Skwisgaar appeared. “You nots done callings me a whore, yet? Fucks you, Toki. How cans you tells me all dose t'ing, den torns around and says I might fucks up? What does dat says about _you_ , ah? Why you care so much about someone you t'ink will does dat to you?”

“Because now that this mights be happening, it all startings to hit me. You were alloweds to be honest by sayings you care what peoples might think about us beings together, so now lets _me_ be honest. I'ves been friends with you for fifteen years. I've seens you fucks a lot of people, in that time. You says you hads that girlfriend in Sweden, but for that ones person you dated, you's fucked probably ten thousand more. I needs you to tell me how I's different, why I stands out to you. _If_ I stands out to you. Because maybes you likes the way I beens treating you, but we coulds very well not be on the same page. How _does_ you know you ready for something like this? Cans you actually gives me back what I's been giving _you?_ ”

“If I wasn'ts going to consider de posskibility dat somet'ing might happen here, den why woulds I lets it go dis far?”

“Because you'll says anything to gets into someone's pants.”

Skwisgaar's face drew back into a sneer. “You know whats? I shoulds has puts in for a room wit' two beds. Piss off.”

Wind from the door slamming rustled Toki's hair. So much for honesty. 


	18. Switch

Skwisgaar ran a bath, just as he said he would. Anxious, Toki turned on the television and chewed his nails rather than pay attention to it. He hadn't actually thought this far ahead. He took for granted that Skwisgaar would never return his affections in a million years, so what happened now, when he did? So far, Skwisgaar should've completely blown it. He'd gotten grabby solely for sexual favour, and admittedly took advantage of Toki's feelings for a bid at safety. And yet, even with this all laid out, Toki was _so_ ready to storm into that bathroom and beg Skwisgaar to forget everything he'd said earlier. He'd suck his dick every hour of every day, just for a pat on the head. Maybe he deserved more than that, but didn't he deserve to express his love, too? Why did he need to restrict himself, like the other guys? He had so much of it to give.

Ready for confrontation when the bath drained, Toki faltered as Skwisgaar pulled on his shoes along with a shirt. “What you doings?”

“Goings out.”

“Where? What fors?”

“Ams it anys of your business?”

“We only haves the one car and I gots no way to contacts you. So maybes it _is_ my business. Skwis, please,” Toki said when Skwisgaar narrowed his eyes. “I's not tryings to keep tabs on you for anys other reason.”

“ _Pff_ , and why wouldn'ts you? Cleaneds my ass, mights as well makes use of it. And seeings as how you don'ts desorve it. . .”

“You don'ts got to be so mean,” Toki snapped. He called bullshit, anyway; with wrinkly clothes and his hair in a messy ponytail, no way did Skwisgaar intend to woo another man. “Ja, I fuckeds up. I knows that, okay? Don'ts try to makes me act like some jealous asshole so thats you can justify what you thinks about me right now. Goes do whatever you wants, I don'ts give a shit. You gots any interest, we figures this out when you gets back.”

“Whatever. Bye.”

Toki waited for the Mustang's usual stint of over-revving, upon ignition. A glance about the room when it didn't sound came up with the keys; did Skwisgaar _intend_ to walk? He wasn't ever much for physical exertion, whenever he could help it. . .

Stepping outside, Toki found that Skwisgaar hadn't made it any further than the concrete barrier in front of the car. A cigarette smouldered away between his fingers. He refused to look at Toki when the keys were held out to him. “Gonna need these.”

Toki pocketed them with a shrug from Skwisgaar. What was the protocol for physical proximity to someone when fighting like this? Gauging Skwisgaar by the tension in his shoulders, Toki too leaned against the barrier. “I'm sorry, Skwis.”

“You ams a real asshole, you knows dat?” A breeze blew smoke into Toki's face, as Skwisgaar pulled a drag. “You talks about all dis poskibility of me usings you, because I some selfish dildo. Well, you know whats? How you t'ink it look when I does t'ing wit' you dat mights not gets me off, and den as soon as de table torn, you whips dat out, ah? Does you t'ink I'm stupids? You carries dis air like I am, or likes I don'ts got feelings, so ams okay to does dat kind of crap because it don'ts affect me.

“For how much you claims to care about me, you don't treats me like I'm much more dan a whore.” Skwisgaar flicked the butt onto the concrete. “And maybes I am. I loves to fuck, I admits dat. But either you starts to appreskate dat I'ms capable of carings about someone, or you cans kiss goodbye any chance you evers had wit' me. Maybe sometimes I got low standords for who I fuck, but nots who I date. If you serious about dis at all, and aren't just backpedalling, den smartens up.”

A passing woman and her child forced them into silence. When Toki was satisfied they'd moved out of earshot, he cleared his throat. “Why don'ts you come back inside? Is more private.”

Skwisgaar chose the chair over the bed therein, propping his foot up on the mattress and crossing his arms. “You says you wants to be honest, so here ams your chance. Why you insinuatings all de sudden dat I ams just usings you for sex? Ja, maybes I didn'ts intend for dis to go so fars, since ams de easier option. And maybes I fuckeds up after you killeds Ludwig. But dose am what felts right at de time, and I apolgesacked where it was necessary. I still amn't shore what dis going to torns into, but you aren'ts either, so don'ts give me such a hard time fors it. Just because I'm takings my time about how you wants us to be don'ts mean dere amn't somet'ing goings on here. Whatever happen, dis ams real to me.”

“I. . .I comes barreling into this,” Toki admitted. “When you gets your sights on someones, all you can thinks about is how to gets them, how to finds out if they feels the same. . .you know what is like. I was thinking so much abouts you that I didn'ts really think about myself. Is crazy, that you might actually be interesteds in old Toki.”

“Why nots, ah? You's pretty cool.” For the kind words, Skwisgaar strained to smile. Before Toki could question his earnestness with such a conflicting expression, he continued. “I takes it serious, if you feel dat I takes advankage of you. I don'ts ever want to do dat, not to you, not to nobodies. Dat ams a big part of why I gots mad.”

“I gots a right to say if I feels like that, though.”

“Did I says it was _you_ I was mads at?” Skwisgaar moved from the chair to the edge of the bed, to sit beside Toki. Such a concession to the man's pride incited stiffness in his tone. He wouldn't look at Toki. “I takes it out on you. I admicks I not goods about dat. Like earlier. I wasn'ts going to go fuck someones. I just wanteds to be by myself and maybes go buy a guitar.”

“Saying stuffs like that tend to make more problem than they fix.”

“I wanteds you to feel as bads as I did. Huh, I guess dat amn't verys mature.”

“Nots really. But admittings it was wrong is.” Toki put his arm around the other man's waist. “Skwis, the ways I see it, we's at a crossroads. We gots a choice—we can eithers trust each other, or nots. We gots to be straight-up on what's happenings here. I don'ts only want sex that's just for me. Uhh. . .just don't expects me to be great at suckings dick. Likes I said, I hasn'ts ever done it before. Or beens fucked.”

“De technicality of it amn'ts what importants. Ja, if I gots no real interest in you beyonds your mouth you betters be perfect, but you ams wort' mores dan dat to me.”

“Thanks you.” Toki kissed his cheek. “So whats about you, then? Where you stands on everything?”

“I t'ink we maybes fight too much right now for dis to work, but we gettings better about dat, ja?”

“Don'ts got much choice, when we spends this much time together. Is quite the difference, that a weeks can make. It isn'ts that big a deal to talks about it, when pretty much all we does is talk.”

“I haven'ts talked so much in my whole life.”

“Me neithers. But I likes it when you do. You's something else, Skwis.”

“Well. . .t'anks you.”

Silence to follow left clearer air between them. Even though Skwisgaar still wasn't completely on board with the idea of a relationship, Toki felt optimistic. Maybe the man did them good, by forcing a slower pace. Toki getting ahead of himself and then pulling back when everything caught up benefitted neither of them.

“We okay?” Toki asked.

“You gets what make me mad?”

“I was a hypocrite. I can't accuses you of being selfish when all I's been so far is selfish.” Toki itched to fix that; his fingers twitched against Skwisgaar's ribs.

“Just keeps dat in mind, next time you t'ink I onlies in dis for gettings fucked. I woulds admit it, you knows, if dat was de extent of my interest. Dis won'ts be de forst or de last time you hears dis from me, but you's damn good at it.” Adopting a small smile, Skwisgaar nudged Toki. “Speakings of which. . .make-up sex ams one of de best kind.”

Toki chuckled. “Is kinds of amazing that we hasn'ts gotten ourselves into that, yet.”

“Ams always a forst time for everyt'ing.”

Fingertips on the younger man's jaw safe-guarded against him potentially squirming away when hot breath preceded his lobe disappearing between soft lips. Teeth and the slide of Skwisgaar's tongue against it soon moved beyond; Toki shivered as nibbles marked out his ear's edge before delving inward to the canal. Tentative ticklishness relented to every hair on Toki's body standing on end. He didn't notice Skwisgaar's touch leaving his neck until it reappeared as an assertive hand slipping between his legs.

Happily abandoning any lingering composure, Toki pressed unabashedly against the wonderful pressure palming him through his jeans. If only that bothersome material wasn't there, anymore. With a final kiss pressed to the folds of his ear, Toki opened his eyes to find their darker counterparts spearheading a prurient expression. He could never fool himself to believe that he earned such attention first, from this man. However, instead of placing himself amongst the ranks of nameless faces, Toki saw the accumulation of all that experience bent in his favour. Whatever happened past or future, they were here now and Toki refused to put anything off for next time. What if, for some reason, that didn't come? Would he be satisfied with everything that came to pass? His heart pounded as various courses of action ran through his mind, then his stomach dropped when he settled on one.

Toki bit Skwisgaar's lower lip in attempt to ascertain more courage. “You should lays down.”

“Do you wants me to undress forst?”

“I'll figures it out for you.”

On his knees between Skwisgaar's legs, Toki took a moment to drink in the sight. Even clothed, Skwisgaar's body called to him. His knees rested further open than usual, his toes tensed with anticipation, and he bulged against his pants. Deep breaths necessitated still-swollen lips to rest agape. Revealing the older man's stomach exhibited as well a flush extending all the way down from his cheeks. Goosebumps rose from it with the graze of stubble, and Toki's nose pressed into warm skin when Skwisgaar arched his back.

This couldn't be too hard, right? While his tongue delved in Skwisgaar's bellybutton, Toki fiddled with the button and fly. He'd watched quite a few people perform on him before, although swelling pleasure muted curiosity in its favour. Besides, if doubt struck, Toki could always ask. Surely, Skwisgaar wouldn't find it a turnoff.

A grin and wash of breath over Skwisgaar's abdomen accompanied a light tap against Toki's upper chest. Skwisgaar didn't seem to notice that, although fingers crawled through his hair in preparation to hold it back. Toki saw Skwisgaar naked alarmingly often, but even through this last week's developments he had yet to truly _consider_ the other man's cock. Ignoring girth for now, he simply tested the idea of a dick so near his face. Usually a tongue rolling about in Toki's foreskin curled his toes with little effort; reciprocating that motion while gazing upward rewarded him with a deflation of Skwisgaar's chest.

“Tells me if too much or too little.” The amount of sex Skwisgaar engaged in may have left him comparably numb—apparently not so, though. Sliding it all back to reveal the head and subsequently taking it past his lips with zeal resulted in tense legs. “Too hards?”

“A bit, ja.”

Sucking to a lesser degree earned favourable results. Toki did his best to touch on everything Skwisgaar did during _his_ blow jobs, but appreciation for technique arose from his fumbled ministrations. He paused in order to remove Skwisgaar's pants completely, then failed at synchronizing his lips and hand as he stroked the other man. Growing frustrated and disappointed in himself, he kissed Skwisgaar's hipbone. “I'm sorries.”

“Why you stoppings?”

“My jaw keeps clicking.”

“Come up heres.”

Eye contact went avoided, upon compliance. “I promise I'll gets better. Just gots to practice, I guess.”

“Dids I look like I wasn'ts enjoying it?”

Toki shrugged. He was too scared to check, after a point.

“Ams okay.” Deft hands worked Toki's belt. “It takes a bit to gets used to. At least you didn'ts do likes me de forst time and gag.”

“You was probablies amazing. Naturals talent.”

“Toki, what does I always tell you abouts talent? It don'ts count for shit if you don'ts norture it.” Skwisgaar's grasp on the heavy organ between Toki's legs pulled their gazes to meet as efficiently as if Skwisgaar yanked his face straight. “So dere amn't no points getting down abouts yourself.”

Unable to feel that just yet, Toki's forehead rested on Skwisgaar's shoulder. He couldn't get off on blowing the man alone, but it certainly fired him up. A thumb recreating what his tongue did moments earlier wrinkled his brow. “What can I does?”

“Takes off your clothes, forst of all. I'ms tireds of all dis craps in de way.” Skwisgaar nuzzled his hair. “And sits up against de headboard.”

While Toki made himself comfortable with their pillows, Skwisgaar slipped off his tee shirt and tracked the lube to where it'd fallen between the bed and bedside table. Unable to resist, Toki smacked his backside. “How dids you get such a nice ass, anyway? Is so fleshy, for a dude. Uhh, I means that in a good way.”

“ _Pff_.” Tossing the bottle nearby into the blankets, Skwisgaar straddled Toki's hips. “Why you so self-conchvis all de sudden?”

“Is not self-conchvisness, just tryings to be more conchvis about the things I says to you. I don'ts want you to gets a bad impression from me.”

“Don'ts get me wrong, dere am definitely time I's okay wit' you treatings me like I amn'ts anyt'ing but a whore. It just need to be separate from how you views me entirelys as a porson.”

“Does you wants me to do that now? Because I cans.” Toki ran his fingers down the other man's crack, searching for cleft.

“Maybes not dis time. We gots a good t'ing going, so far.”

Skwisgaar pulled Toki out of his element, so not quite yet could Toki either agree or disagree. Good as it felt, excited as he was for a lithe man in his lap, control of the situation being taken away fed the impression of passiveness. Could he really please Skwisgaar, without ability to freely mould their bodies? All his experience came from a position of authority.

Old habits died hard; just because weight restricted his movement didn't mean Toki had to just _lay_ there. While his mouth traced everywhere between Skwisgaar's mouth and nipples, he mapped out the older man's back. Skwisgaar's ass kept drawing his attention, pulling a groan as he pressed at his hole. Getting rubbed by the older man's movements and with Skwisgaar pressing against his stomach, Toki didn't think he'd be able to take it anymore when finally the lube cap snapped open to his left. A chuckle accompanied his hand getting smacked out of the way. Skwisgaar placated him by sucking on his lower lip while coating him, but the only way Toki made certain he didn't encroach on Skwisgaar's claimed upper hand was by bracing a slight waist.

“You really amn'ts used to someone else takings charge, am you?”

Toki's breath shuddered with breach of the older man's body. “No. . .”

“Not so bad, huh?”

“Differents.” Toki stole a quick kiss. “But not bads, no.”

Seeing this encounter still as something more for his partner than himself, Toki gripped the organ so desperately rubbing his abdomen. The slip in their kisses' quality could only mean he did well—moreso, when rough breathing landed Skwisgaar's mouth in the crook of Toki's neck. His arms tightened around Toki, nails digging when a ripple shot through his body. A warbling groan adrenalized the younger man when pain quite literally bit at his shoulder. Unable to hold back anymore, Toki gripped Skwisgaar's hips.

Disentangling posed a chore. Once their heart rates resembled something normal, Toki helped Skwisgaar off. “I nevers want this to end.”

“Ams pretty goods, amn't it?” Skwisgaar could barely keep his eyes open.

Toki kissed the large nose opposite before settling in for a joint nap. “I loves you.”

“What does I say, if I amn'ts ready to says dat back in de same way you means it? Amn'ts right to stay quiet.”

“Don'ts matter. I just wants you to know.” Nice as reciprocation would be, Toki had his heart set on making it one day true. If they kept on like this, it might not take long at all. 


	19. Three Faces

In Stockholm, Toki buttoned his dress shirt as he emerged from the bathroom. He expected an American breakfast, as Charles tried to force him to eat the day prior before rushing down to the limousine, but his mother sat at the table with a fresh pot of tea, a dish of yoghurt, and smørbrød with a variety of possible toppings spread across a tray. Good mood holding, Toki gave the earlier interactions with his mother a second shot.

“Good morning _._ ” He leaned down to kiss her cheek.

“Take a seat, my dear.” Anja averted her gaze respectfully as Toki tucked his shirt and secured his belt. “Eat as much as you can. You still look a little hollow.”

Toki had other things he wished to do before their departure around eight-thirty, but maintained table manners for his mother's sake. Her attention left the newspaper when Toki's pill pattered against the table. Complera went down first in his morning routine, followed by a gummy, fruit flavoured multi-vitamin to veto any lingering tastes. He excused himself then to the bathroom, in order to inject his insulin. Anja never cared for needles, and even the other medications her son brought with him to Norway had a difficult time getting in the door. Both Charles and Twinkletits were necessary, after she'd flushed a week's supply and sent Toki into Lillehammer on an emergency stock-up trip, to explain why she couldn't expect her son to go it straight.

Any kind of drugs were frowned upon by their church, which preferred to promote prevention of illness through a healthy lifestyle. Of course, while Anja succeeded by adhering to that principle, it was drastically less than practical for the entire congregation. Toki understood better now, as an adult, but in hindsight a lot of neighbours and friends were called needlessly home by God. Suicides and runaways were treated with the same shunning; none were talked about, as if they never existed in the first place.

Quiet comfort between the two of them sent Toki down a slippery slope, of which he ultimately conceded to. He might as well be a quarter his age and seated at the wooden bench in his mother's kitchen, discussing a day of prayer, lessons, and hard labour ahead. If such a conversation took place within the first hour of his father departing for the church, his spirits would've boasted similar height. With an hour of free time before he needed to fully assemble his outfit, Toki grabbed from his suitcase the journal mandated to keep by Twinkletits. Compulsion to share with his mother struck, due to lack of privacy during childhood. However, keeping in mind the instructions toward confidentiality his therapist drilled into all three of him, Toki made room on the table for the notebook and used his left hand to shield the words from his mother. His tongue poked out and, feeding a whim of rebellion, he opted to scratch away in his first language. The words formed a messy contrast to the steadier hand evident in his last entry.

_Didn't feel good enough to write yesterday. Doing better since Mor's here and we're getting along okay. She's making me eat. It's weird to see Skwis again and not be able to talk. I can't wait to be able to again. At the same time I wonder if it's a good idea. I need to stop loving him. Being around him never helps._

Should Anja betray her agreement not to snoop through his journal, she more than likely wouldn't get through one page before finding something worth getting upset over. Barring a few passages romanticizing suicide, frank discussion about her son's sex life would definitely deter her. Toki himself shied away from rereading anything beyond relatively recent history.

“My son,” Anja got his attention. “Who are you, today?”

“Little.” In building vocabulary as to how he would communicate his disorder to others, that made most sense to Toki when the world shifted toward something more colourful. He possessed three faces; his primary, the little one, and then the other. They all grew closer together, curbing Toki's blackouts and heightening control, but no matter what the third one was capable of, Toki didn't wish to get rid of it. The little one, so powerless, relied on it to protect him.

It first manifested not long after Toki's eighth birthday. He couldn't remember what exactly he'd done wrong, but chains held his wrists taut as pain hatched his back. Tears streamed down his face and his entire body trembled. He wouldn't make a peep. He waited for privacy, like always.

The gashes throbbed when Aslaug ceased. His father's voice sounded from behind his head. “Are you going to do that again?”

So hurt, Toki retreated inside himself. Unsure from where he summoned the strength, a chuckle rose from his chest. “Come any closer, old man, and I'll claw your eyes out.”

Unlike the hand that slapped him then, Anja's ran fondly through his hair. “Since we've got so much extra time, I might retrieve my Bible from my room.”

“It's been a few days since I prayed.”

“Would you like to?”

“Ja.”

Anja bent down to kiss the top of his head. “I'll be back shortly.”

Most of Toki didn't believe in God, but this part did. His eagerness to pray declined though, as his cat doodle in the margin transformed into an illustration, the darker, more careful lines obscuring an immature version of his talent. Like him and Skwisgaar changing seats in the Mustang once upon a time, Toki came back behind the wheel. Attention diverted from the cat to the words earlier written. Toki started a new paragraph.

_Dissociated this morning, a bit more drastically than I have in a while. I think having a peaceful breakfast with Mor in a different place than usual brought it on. Didn't black out—just a passenger._

Toki reread what he'd put down earlier, then carried on to elaborate the underdeveloped thoughts.

_Decided to use Skwisgaar's prison sentence as opportunity to end this, once and for all. Nothing good has ever come from being involved with him. He's toyed endlessly with my emotions. When I get better, he won't deserve me. Hell, he doesn't deserve me as I am, and I'm not even a full person. Given how long he's probably going away for, I'll have plenty of time to straighten myself out. Maybe the band won't even be together anymore when he's back, who knows? Lots can change, between ten and eighteen years. If I don't visit him, there's a very real possibility that I won't ever see him again. That hurts to think about, but I need to do what's best for me. Feelings go away. I need my self-esteem, though. It's not worth the trade-off._

Anja's departure from the room struck Toki like a dream, as if he'd nodded off, watched her leave, and now she knocked at the hotel door again.

“Did you still want to pray?”

“Eh. . .no thanks.”

Anja brought him into a tight hug. “It's okay. We don't have to.”

“Sometimes I can't control it.” Eating breakfast with her like that was nice, though. If it carried on that way, he could've forgotten eventually what brought him to Stockholm in the first place.

“Did you try to fight it?”

“Not really. I like the kid.”

“Aren't you supposed to, though?”

“I could've, but I chose not to. That's what's important. So long as I can, it should be okay. Twinkletits said to watch for being able to control it with less effort. I think that counts.”

“You're going to talk to him about it, to make sure?”

“Already wrote it down.” Satisfied with his journal entry, Toki returned to the unfinished cat. “Hey, Mor?”

“Ja?”

“I wanted to thank you, for last night. I didn't expect you to be that cool about me being attracted to men.”

“Like I said, I already had time to adjust. I may be religious, but that doesn't put beliefs in my mouth. Those parts of the Bible are a tad. . .outdated.”

“You're not knocking the Good Book, are you?” Toki lightly teased.

“I've become more prone lately to listen to what God tells my heart, rather than a handful of men attempting to convey his message after washing it through their own agenda. Like any sensible person would.”

“What kind of television have you been watching lately, exactly?”

“This is my own revelation, one a long-time coming.” Anja displayed what part of the Bible she perused, which managed to appear even more cramped thanks to her loopy hand elaborating on certain passages. “It's a little hard to take at face value that there's only one path to Him, once you realize _how_ many different faiths there are. I've lived my husband's way too long. I just didn't see it like that, no matter how hard I've been trying to wash him off the walls of my house.”

“That's a good approach.” Unlike with Skwisgaar, Toki couldn't bring himself to call his mother on _her_ bullshit. Faith, while sometimes ridiculous in his eye, shouldn't be put down in such a way.

“I've felt that for a while, but Aslaug narrowed my vision. He wasn't particularly. . .well, you lived with him too. Not exactly what you'd call accommodating.” Anja sipped her tea. “My dear, I'm curious.”

“About what?”

“Your dissociation. Why is it that the little one seems to believe, when you don't?”

“Because he's eight, and I still believed then, for one. Mostly though, he can feel someone there. It's not God, but that doesn't matter because no one's telling him otherwise.”

“Who is it?”

“The other one.” Toki noted an expression somewhere between confusion and offence on his mother's face. “For him, that _is_ God. It takes care of him. Think about all the times Far thought a demon possessed me. It took all the beatings, so that the child didn't have to. What kid wants to believe that God told his father to do that? The little one preferred to believe that God protected him against someone that just lost sight.”

“Is that how this all started?”

“The first time I remember feeling like there was more than one of me in my skin came after Far whipped me.”

“Do you think it would have happened at all, if someone _else_ protected you?”

“Mor, I see what you're getting at. Don't start blaming yourself. Far was a tyrant. Did you ever have a chance against him?” Toki closed his journal. “I never really saw it as that you failed me. We were always in it together. You cleaned me up after he hurt me, and you have no idea how much that meant, for you to risk his wrath just to make me more comfortable.

“I wouldn't want you to go through that. In a way, _I_ actually didn't. I don't remember much of the abuse. The other one does.” One shitty part of bringing his three parts back into one was facing those memories. Memories were easier than blinding fear and unfathomable pain that the moment would present, though.

“You were my priority. I was already acquainted with his capabilities, but when you live under someone so long you begin to learn their blind spots. That's how I was able to write you, once in a while.”

“Ugh, I don't want to think about him ever doing anything to you.” Toki never saw his father abuse his mother, but that didn't curb awareness it happened. A lowered gaze and renewed tension when he returned from his punishment hole told him everything. “I'd rather he took everything out on me. I could handle it. A man should never hit his wife.”

“He should never hit his son, either.” Anja pressed her lips together. “You were only a child. I wish I had the ability to leave with you. I would've taken you out of there in a heartbeat, if I wasn't so blinded. Truly, at the end of my days, that'll be my biggest regret. I wish I could see more clearly, then.”

“No hard feelings, Mor. I would've loved for that to happen, but there's no point wishing for it now. We can't go back and we're free of him anyways, so let's just play the hand we were dealt, ja?”

“You may have forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself yet,” Anja stated. “That will still take time.”

Their conversation dwindling compelled Toki to finish getting dressed. He regretted it nearly immediately, as the extra layers warmed him. After securing his tie, he dropped back down beside his mother. “Would you braid my hair like you used to, for church?”

Charles showed up at eight-thirty, with two coffees in his hand. When Toki took one, Charles nodded at Anja in greeting as she gathered her things. “Would you like to accompany us? Unfortunately, no one's allowed in the courtroom, but you're welcome to come.”

“Oh. . .” Anja placed a hand on her son's arm, switching back briefly to their native tongue. “Would you like me to?”

“It's your decision. I didn't expect it.”

“There's also another car downstairs, if you wanted to do something else about the city. The, ah, other boys just made it back from a night out, so once it's cleaned up it'll be fit for use.”

“Thank you, Mr. Offdensen,” she replied in careful English. Then, to her son, “I'll have my phone. Call me, when you're on recess?”

Toki felt a lot better, when situated again at the witness stand. Even when Skwisgaar was escorted into the room, his heart didn't plunge as deeply into a vat of acid. He still needed to regain composure as Meshuggah welcomed everyone back and Charles collected his papers for the podium. A good mood like this was dangerous, around his former lover. Three times, before Charles cleared his throat, Toki suppressed the urge to cross the room and carry on with Skwisgaar as if nothing between the high points in their road trip and today ever happened. Why _couldn't_ they make this work? They always had, before.

“As reminder to the court, yesterday we left off in Missoula, Montana, where you and the defendant had reached some form of agreement regarding a potential relationship. What happened, after that?”

“We lefts the next morning for Spokane, in Washington. Was onlies a couple hour away. We gots there, gots into a fight, mades up, and basicallys just screwed around untils the next day, when we lefts for Portland. Skwisgaar finally gots his guitar, however shitties it was, so he was happies. I was happies too. . .it was a goods time, after we hads that fight. I felts like we were finally speakings the same language to ones another.” At the defendant table, Skwisgaar rubbed his elbow. Toki made a conscious decision not to look at him so much anymore, until this penchant passed. “That carrieds on, on the roads. I nevers thought he would be as honest with me as he was, then. To this day, I stills can't believe he finally trusteds me enough to tells me things he'd been carryings around for a verys long time.” 


	20. Kennewick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illustrated.

Contrary to the impression Toki held of Washington State, not a cloud could be seen in the sky as they headed southwest. They rolled the windows down in mild celebration; whistling wind combatted Skwisgaar's fingers getting a feel for a newly tuned acoustic guitar. “Sounds better already, don't you t'ink?”

“I can'ts believe you bought that.”

“Somet'ing electric amn't verys practical for de road, Toki. Can'ts hear it.”

Toki lowered his voice to mock Skwisgaar's. “Huuuh, it don'ts matter if I don'ts plug my guitar in because I cans always hear de music in my heads. I wouldn'ts be caught dead playings on a grandpa's guitar.”

“Fucks off,” Skwisgaar replied with a back-handed slap to Toki's upper arm. “Ats least dis way I wouldn'ts has to hear you tells me how selfish I ams because I shelleds out for electricals.”

“If it meants I didn'ts have to hears you play every minutes of every day now, I woulds has said goes ahead.”

“Whats if when we gets to Portland I wanteds to find a boardwalk somewheres and plays music for money, ah?” Skwisgaar diverted from an acoustic rendering of Blood Puke into something improvisational, more upbeat and catchy. “Maybe somedays I ams going to be famous, den won'ts _you_ regret makings fun of me and my shittys guitar.”

Toki snorted. “You's already famous! What the hell's you talking about?”

“I ams going to play under a fakes name, and den when everyone like me, I'ms goings to move to Los Angeles. Me ands my gay lover, ha.” A piece of hair blowing about got caught in Skwisgaar's mouth, which he tucked behind his ear before his smile reemerged. “Ands dere will be a legend dat say I writes all my music while he blows me. It wills be true, and I myselfs will spreads it around.

“His name ams Toki, he sucks dick likes a champion,” Skwisgaar sang along with an intentionally discordant tune, “I don'ts know anyt'ing dat rhyme wit' champion, so fucks you, I ams a champion too. . .”

Toki cackled behind the steering wheel. “That's horribles, you're nots allowed to ever writes lyrics for a song, evers again.”

“Oh waits, I thoughts of a word that rhymes wit' champions,” Skwisgaar carried on, louder and with a smirk, “his name ams Toki, and he hungs like a stallion. . .”

“Holy fucks, you're so umsbarrassing!”

“Admits it, you loves it.” A flourish on the guitar ended the song. “Dere, I ams amazing. Gives to me fifty dollars for entertainings you.”

Still laughing, Toki shook his head.

“No?” Skwisgaar tossed his guitar into the back and undid his seatbelt. After using his sunglasses to hold his hair back, his lips found Toki's neck. “Den makes it up a diffrents way.”

“Psh, you nots a music hooker.” Toki's eyelids fluttered when Skwisgaar groped him between his legs. “What the hell gottens into you, today?”

“What, I can'ts be in a good mood?” The signs for switching from the I-90 to Highway 395 came up, which Toki signalled for through a fogging mind. “Stops de car when next you cans. We shoulds fuck.”

“Skwis, looks around us. Is flats and there's no trees _anywhere_.” Toki's resolve buckled at an alarming rate, though. Basically ignoring what happened on the highway, he scanned for somewhere to pull over. He wound up turning onto one of the side roads; nowhere near out of sight, Skwisgaar already pulled Toki out of his jeans and tortured him with a slow, firm squeeze from base to head. “How we evens going to do this?”

“Don'ts know, dat ams de fun of it.”

“We can'ts fit in the back, and the roof is too low for you to straddles me. . .”

“Maybes if you tilt your seat.”

“Do you thinks we could do it fast enough on the sides of the road? The hoods would definitely burns your ass.”

“Come sits on de passenger side. Dere ams more room. I'm shores we coulds figure it out.”

The dust didn't have the chance to settle before both doors flew open. They met at the trunk, where Skwisgaar dug into his duffel bag for the lube. It landed on the floor up front when tossed, off the mark due to a smack on the ass catching him by surprise. “T'anks, it probably openeds and spilleds everywhere.”

Toki pulled him around to the passenger side after closing the back. A quick check for traffic preceded Skwisgaar's shoes and pants being tossed haphazardly onto the driver's seat. They created a mess of hands between them inside as Toki shimmied his pants down and Skwisgaar readied them with the recovered, slippery bottle.

“I hopes we gots enough napkins to cleans dat up,” Skwisgaar chuckled against Toki's neck. “Is probably going to smells like sex in here rights through to Oregon.”

“We'll airs it out.” At this point, Toki didn't give a shit. He hated the clothes between them, that Skwisgaar blocked the air conditioning, and that he needed to keep an ear out for any approaching vehicles. Still, he pushed his hands up Skwisgaar's shirt as a groan collided with his mouth. Thumbs against erect nipples, he used the floor as leverage while nipping and sucking Skwisgaar's bottom lip. Cramped quarters and needing to rush didn't serve how they normally executed this, but the urgency burned hot in Toki's lower abdomen. He loved that Skwisgaar couldn't wait until they reached their next motel room, despite them having traded blow jobs earlier that morning.

“Odin, Toki. . .” Their noses bumped as they grew accustomed with spacial restraint. “What de hell ams we doings?”

“Who cares?” Skwisgaar didn't actually seem to, given the maintained fervency of his hips. Toki contrasted that by kissing him softly. “Is somethings wrong with it?”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “You ams making me crazy.”

“Thoughts you alreadies was, elskling.”

“Nots like dis.” They'd done this enough for Toki to recognize a change in rhythm. Skwisgaar's core picked up slack, drawing Toki's fingertips to feel how his undefined abdominal muscles strained; everything tightening up compromised their speed, then Toki pressed his lips to the older man's cheek as the iron grip around him slipped and sent the entire, long body against him into an endearing tremble. Less than a few moments later, Toki's head slumped back against the headrest in similar enfeeblement.

“Sorry,” Skwisgaar eventually whispered.

“For?”

“I gots cum on your short. Mines too, I t'ink.”

“We just puts new ones on. Wash these next time we does laundry.” Toki noticed a shiver to go along with the air conditioning's current, while rubbing Skwisgaar's back. “Cold?”

“A littles.”

“You wants to move?”

“Not reallies. Unless you ams hot?”

Toki could remain like this a little longer, if they were in no danger of being seen. He nuzzled Skwisgaar. “What dids you mean, by what you say? That I's making you crazy?”

“Exactlies dat. You torns me into a fuckings idiot.”

“Why, just because you nots acting like Mr. Cools, no more?”

“De stupid t'ing am dat I can'ts even help it. Usually it ams de ot'er ways around.”

“Guess I finallies got it through your thick skull that this is acceptables with old Toki.” Thrilled for such a development, Toki enveloped the older man in his arms. Cynicism be damned; however corny, romance had yet to die within him. So what if they just fucked on a dusty roadside? Toki's heart fluttered as his nose nestled in the crook of Skwisgaar's neck. “You probablies been tolds this a million time, but you smell so damns good after sex.”

“I don'ts really care, what ot'er people have saids. But I glads you t'ink so.” Skwisgaar relinquished dead weight off Toki, exposing still-flushed cheeks and a relaxed smile. “Maybes we ought to gets on de road again. Probablies don'ts take long arounds here for someone to rolls up on a tractor and see if you havings car problem, or somet'ing.”

Skwisgaar balanced carefully on the road in bare feet while he redressed, sticking as close to the Mustang as possible. Far as Toki could tell, as he removed his shirt and dug around his bag for a new one, no one noticed their pit stop. He found himself watched instead by the man leaning against the taillight.

“You know, I haves never beens able to thickens out, like you,” Skwisgaar stated. “No matters what I do. I cans hit de gym and eats dat protein powder shit, but evens if I gets more muscular, I still talls and thin.”

“Maybes is just the way you built.” Toki smirked; for whatever reason, he imagined Skwisgaar eating straight whey powder with a spoon and miserable expression. His fingers skimmed the pale torso opposite. “Does you feel bads about it?”

“No, was just somet'ing I wanteds to try when I forst comes to America. Nat'an still hads abs, and even Moidaface would lift weights once in a while. Me and Pickle were always stuck like dis, though. Nots dat we _really_ trieds.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “Oh well, I just enjoys dat vicariously, now.”

“Whats you mean?”

“I woulds rat'er date someone like dat. Or, you knows, t'inks about dem when I jack off.”

Toki blinked as the other man pulled a new shirt on. “And whats you mean by that?”

“I'ves already told you. Dat forst time we fuckeds? I was curious.”

“Dids you do that before we evens left Mordhaus?”

“Didn'ts have much time between dere and Chicago, dids I?”

“You ares the absolute _worst_.” Toki shoved him. “I don'ts even know what to says to that. I thinks you're lying.”

“Ams harmless, to jacks off to someone you physicslys attracteds to. Friend or what haves you. What ams de big deal? I'ves probably jackeds off to everyt'ing.”

“Psh, you nots helping yourself right now. Is not exactly flattering, when you makes it sound like I some object for your entertainments.” Toki headed back for the driver's seat. “Come on, let's go.”

“Corrects me if I wrong, but ams you gettings mad about dat?” Skwisgaar asked as he dropped back in the other side.

“I don't know. Ares you downplayings everything again? I can'ts really imagine that you woulds ever keeps it quiet if you wanteds to fuck someone and they was just down the hallways from you.”

“And what was the alternatives? I haves told you too dat I suspecteds you maybe lookeds at me a littles differently dan you did de other guys. Woulds be kind of a dick move to mess wit' dat, ah?”

“What makes what we doings right now any differents? You know what I wants and you still haven'ts agreeds to be my boyfriend. So all we doings is fucking while I keeps my hopes up and you gets your way.”

“I ams capable of nots letting my dick do all de t'inking.” Skwisgaar's tone steadily grew more terse. “You know what am goings to happen next? I sees it already. I goings to say ja abouts being your boyfriend, and den you goings to accuse me of only sayings dat because I givings in to an ultimatum and don'ts actually feels dat way. When ams you actuallies going to trust me?”

“I don'ts know. Is hard out here, because you don'ts have any problem with it while we's away from Mordhaus.”

“Why you just assume dat everyt'ing ams going to be fines about it whens we get home? What ams going to happens in your mind, when we goes back and tells everyone, ja, we ams dating, fucks you and goes die if you don'ts like it?”

“They all gets their chance to grumbles, and then they don'ts care anymore. The only reason they act so anti-gay is because it just five guys hangings out most of the time and they wants to keep that boundary up. I think you knows that, too. So what is it _really_ , if nots that or you not stringings me along? What the hell are you so concerneds about?”

When Skwisgaar didn't immediately respond, Toki took his eyes periodically off the road to see if he at least considered the question. With his forehead against the window and fingers folded in his lap, Skwisgaar eventually shrugged.

“Whatevers, then. If there an actual reason and you nots talking about it, then I thinks that a pretty good sign about what kinds of a boyfriend you woulds be anyway.”

That prompted nothing from Skwisgaar—not at all Toki's intention. He regretted what he said shortly after it hung between them. However, disappointment for the day taking such a turn held an apology at bay. Maybe, if Skwisgaar stewed in this new awkwardness long enough, he'd be prompted to join Toki's level by speaking from the heart.

The remaining hour and a half drive into Kennewick passed excruciatingly slow. Unable to handle the silence any longer, Toki suggested an iced coffee. He drove them down to Columbia Park rather than get back on the road. Some things were easier discussed while stationary, and—putting Skwisgaar's needs first—he thought that maybe a green surrounding and view of the river would calm whatever storm toiled away. Skwisgaar's arms folded over his stomach, sure sign of an emotionally-instigated stomach ache, and he'd barely nodded when asked about a drink.

When Skwisgaar obviously wasn't going to speak first, Toki cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Skwis, I'm sorry. Thats was out of lines. I saids it because I was frustrated. We have such a goods thing going here, and I can'ts understand why we're nots on the same page. And is hard for me to believes that you care what the other guys think because you does whatever you wants anyway. So you can sees why it seem like an excuse.”

Thankfully, Skwisgaar didn't shut him out. The man nodded slowly, however worried he looked.

“Why won'ts you tell me? Is it bad?”

Skwisgaar nodded again, staring out toward the river. “I don'ts really want to talks about it.”

“From the way you actings, it make me think that—”

“Can you nots pressure me?” Skwisgaar cut him off. “T'inks whatever you want, I amn't saying not'ing when you use it to says I would be a shittys boyfriend. Go fucks yourself.”

Toki couldn't get mad, since those words came as defence. He sipped his drink. “Well, I just goings to put it out there that if you ever needs it, I'll listens without judging you.”

“ _Pff_.”

“I wills.” Skwisgaar hadn't elaborated yet, but Toki's stomach soured too much to drink anymore. Maybe it would be easier for Skwisgaar to discuss if he didn't even need to open his mouth. “Did someones hurt you?”

“Whats you want me to say? Ja, of course dey dids. Who _didn'ts_ get hort when dey were kids?”

“You's downplaying again.”

“You goings to keep talking untils you worm it out of me? Maybes you okay talkings about de craps what happen to you, but I amn'ts, okay?”

“I alreadies kind of suspect what it is.”

“Goods, den you can quits bugging me.”

“Skwis, I beens through this before. You woulds feel better, if you talkeds about—”

“You ams _unbelievable!_ ” Skwisgaar's head snapped in Toki's direction. “Why woulds I tell you anyt'ing? You gots no respect abouts it, you just keeps asking and asking. You beens hort, ja, so puts yourself backs in my shoe and t'ink about how it feel to have someone proddings at t'ing you _don'ts want to talks about_. If you gots an idea what it ams, den why you gots to know more? It happened, nobodies believed me, and den I got teased for it. So tells me where de good part come from talkings about it.”

Before Toki could, Skwisgaar undid his seatbelt. “T'anks, I feels _great._ Insteads of just disgusting, throws in some humiliation. Dis am _so_ much better.”

“Where's you going?”

“Anywhere, so long as it ams away from _you_.”

“Hey— _hey!_ ” Toki got out of the car as well and jogged after him. “Don'ts feel ashamed abouts it, with me. I believes you, and I woulds _never_ tease you for it. Whoevers did is fucked up in the head.”

“What parts of _leave me alone_ don'ts you get?”

“Skwis, I gets why you tryings to run away. I don'ts ask just because I's curious. I asks because I love you and I wants you to be okay. Haven'ts you been alone abouts this long enough?”

“Don'ts touch me.” Skwisgaar shrugged Toki's hand off his shoulder with a shudder. He turned to face the other man; even with how much of his face the aviators concealed, blotchy skin showed beneath its edges. “Dis amn'ts even about dat, anymore. It ams about respect. You needs to back off rights now and gives me a chance to—to—”

Skwisgaar flapped his hands at his chest. “I can'ts—I can'ts breathe. . .”

Keeping a respectful distance, Toki didn't want to worsen the panic attack he'd unintentionally incited. “Does what you need to do then, I'll go backs to the car.”

“No no no, don'ts.” Skwisgaar dropped to the ground so quickly that Toki thought he fell. Weighted conscience pressed Toki's lips together. He sat down as well, fingers knotting together as Skwisgaar leaned forward over his crossed legs and clutched his head, elbows to the ground. Toki urged to rub his rapidly rising and falling back as comfort, but he'd already done enough as it was.

“I'm stills here, Skwis,” he assured him. “I won'ts go anywhere unless you needs me to.”

If Toki could, for Skwisgaar's sake, he'd move him back to the car. Most of the park's frequenters maintained distance, but one woman approached out of concern. Toki managed to silently convey to her that he had it under control. Eventually, Skwisgaar's breathing evened back out and the fingers tensely buried in his hair relaxed. Although still unsure, Toki shuffled closer on the grass. “I'm sorry. I thoughts this was ones of those things that you wanteds to talk about but neededs to be prompted. You's a proud person, and is hards to admit that maybes once you was helpless. I honestlies thought this would makes you feels better.

“Cans I touch your back?” Toki leaned in closer when, instead of a nod or shake of the head, Skwisgaar whispered something. “Whats you say?”

“I feel so disgustings.”

“I'm sorry. I shouldn'ts has brought it up.”

“It don'ts matter. It ams still there.”

“Is importants to me that you understands I don't think you gross for it. I'm sorries that happened to you. Is there anythings I can do, right now?”

“I don'ts know. I feels frozen here.”

“Do you wants to go back to the car?”

“Ja, but I don'ts want you to looks at me.”

Doing his best to abide, Toki led him back over to the parking lot. He held the passenger door open for the man and averted his gaze as Skwisgaar dropped inside. His hair still mussed where it'd been clutched, but Skwisgaar's arms returned to holding his stomach. What else could Toki do? He wanted to lay down somewhere where he could wrap the man up and help him feel safe. “I don'ts want you to think I see you any differentlys because of it, but I don'ts want to be one more person to pretends you never saids anything.”

“Just. . .shuts up.”

“Okay.”

Skwisgaar took deep breaths as the air conditioning rustled his hair. He eventually ran his fingers through it, away from his face. “Fuck.”

“I'm sorry—”

“Quit sayings dat. You gots no right to bugs me into sharing somet'ing I don'ts want to. Ja, I knows about t'ing what happen to _you_ when you was a kid, but you tolds me dat by your own choice. Do you t'ink dat entitles you to t'ing what happens to _me?_ ”

“No. I always felts better if I talkeds about that kind of stuff. Ins my experience, I founds that being quiet turneds it into poison. It ates my inside, I. . .panickeds, like you just did. I just wants to help.”

“Whats is dere to help? Can'ts get rid of it.”

“It feel like the end of the world when it happen. Likes you dead. Then the sun goes down and it comes back up, and everything around you's the same, but it's still so different. I talks about my father because evens though that happen, I know it isn'ts me that's the freak. Same as you. What happens wasn't your fault.”

Skwisgaar pressed his lips together. “It was, though.”

“Is _nevers_ your fault, no matters what. You was just a kids. Nothings would ever justify what someone dids to you.”

“No, you don'ts get it. I asked him to stays.” The corners of Skwisgaar's mouth pulled downward. “I was so sick of my mom's boyfriends always leavings. Dis one hads been around for a couple week. Dat amn'ts a long time, but wit' her, dat was pretties much when I would ask if she was goings to get married. My mom tolds me back den dat it was deir idea to leave, so I thoughts if I mades him more at home he would stays. I heards dem arguing abouts it through de wall de night before, and he decideds to wait untils de morning. So at de cracks of dawn, I gots up to makes breakfast. He cames down, I managed to convince hims to stay, and. . .”

“That still isn'ts your fault,” Toki said when Skwisgaar trailed off. “He didn'ts have to do anything like that. Only someone sick would.”

“I could sees dat, if. . .if it didn'ts keep happening. Wit' ot'er ones. Is like as soon as it happen once, it change de way people look at you. You becomes a t'ing, insteads of a porson. And maybes people like dat can sense who it ams okay to does it wit'. Because I wasn'ts a real kid, you knows?”

Horrible as what he heard was, Toki sat silently. If Skwisgaar needed someone to finally listen, then he would be that. “Is like when one grown-up hurt you, it turns your inside black and anyone lookings for that got special eyes that can see it. Likes a beacon.”

“Exactly.”

“But it isn'ts true. Even though it seem like that, there isn'ts anything wrong or defectives about you. Your mom always had guys coming and goings, so is a situation that is likelies to go bad when there a kids in the house.”

“I don'ts know, Toki. After a while, I coulds pick _dem_ out too.”

“How?”

“De way dey look at me, and talks to me. De one dat wanteds my mom mostlies just ignored me.”

“Maybes you was more sensitive to that, after it happen the first time?”

“I woulds watch dem pretties closely, to see what dey woulds do.”

“So it isn'ts exactly something about _you_ that made them thinks it was okay. Some of your mom's dates was sick. When you a kid and things like that is happening, you learns what to watch for. I dids it too. I coulds tell when my father was upsets and he mades me feel like I deserved my punishments. Thats what they do. If you thinks the grown-up is right, you's less likely to tell. They banks on you feelings like you did something to deserve it, or, mores in your case, that wills be unsbarrassing. Did any of them threatens you?”

“Dey said my moms wouldn't believe me.” The longer he talked, the more mechanical Skwisgaar became. Hopefully, Toki thought, that meant a weight lifted off his shoulders. “And dey was rights.”

Toki's face further fell; however strongly he wished to touch Skwisgaar, he maintained respect of his personal space.

“'What de hells would dey wants wit' _you?_ '” Skwisgaar mocked Serveta with a sneer. “'You don'ts have tits. You don'ts have _anyt'ing_ a man woulds want.' She wouldn'ts look at me, Toki. She was in fronts of de TV, drunks, and I'm standings dere wit'—wit' bruises all over me and—and she wouldn'ts even _look_ at me.”

“Skwis. . .I'm so sorries that she failed you. Any mother worths her salt woulds has done _anything_ to protects her baby. She fuckeds up, and that isn'ts your fault.” Toki held his hand out to him. “Here. If is okay.”

Though it came tentatively, Skwisgaar entwined their fingers. “I can'ts put to words how prouds I am of you rights now. It take so much balls to stop being silents about it. Thanks you for the honour of takings this first step, with Toki. You're so much stronger than you gives yourself credits for.”

Skwisgaar's jowls tensed. “I thinks it all broke somet'ing in me. I'm scareds dat. . .well, I can'ts get close to peoples anymore, and what ifs dat am de reason?”

“They didn'ts break you, they _hurt_ you. Is a bigs difference. When you haves that happen, it change you. Is unavoidables. They betrayeds your trust. Your mom lets you down the worst way she possiblies could. But evens with all that, you're still such a sweets, funny, _goofy_ guy. I'm so prouds and I loves you _so damn much_.”

“Do. . .do you see dat, when you looks at me? All dose t'ing?”

Toki shook his head, trying to convey all his adoration in his smile. Judging by the dark blotches on Skwisgaar's cheeks, he succeeded. “They's things what happened to you, nots what define you. Is my scars all you sees when you looks at _me?_ ”

“Honestlies, I don'ts even notice dem anymore.”

Toki squeezed Skwisgaar's hand. “You don'ts got to worries about anything, when you with Toki. Nots that you not capable of it yourself, but I's going to takes care of you now. Nobodies is ever goings to hurt you again.”

All Toki got was a nod, but he didn't need anything more for satisfaction. Skwisgaar had a lot to absorb; the shock of having shared something he tried so hard to bury in the past needed to wear off too. Reading the man to make sure physical proximity was acceptable, Toki succeeded in kissing the man's shoulder. “So you keeps that in mind, elskling.

“Dids you want to drinks your coffee, now? Is nearlies melted.” 


	21. Portland

As the afternoon wore on, small talk contrasted the heavy topics previously discussed. Skwisgaar had their most recent map purchase spread over his knees. “Dis river comings up am de same one we crossed in Kennewick. On de ot'er side of dat bridge ams Oregon.”

“Don'ts know about you, but is always a sense of accomplishments to reach a new state.” As bonus, that put another political boundary between Toki and Ludwig's decomposing corpse. “I can'ts believe we mades it this far. Was a lots of places we coulds has turned back.”

“I ams really startings to dread when we gots to go home,” Skwisgaar agreed. “After Portland ams Vegas, and den where dids you want to goes after dat?”

“We hasn'ts been to Tampa, in a longs time.”

“Dids you want to stops by de old apartment? See who ams trashings it currently?”

“Isn'ts it an international monuments, or something?”

“Oh. . .maybes. Ams where it all begans, all dat crap.”

With the map back in the glove compartment, Toki entangled their fingers again. Skwisgaar's grip relaxed as an impromptu nap took hold where the I-82 met the I-84, turning them west. Cruise control and minimal traffic allowed near-constant attention focused on Skwisgaar. With a concrete admission toward what happened in Skwisgaar's youth, the pieces fell into place. Toki could never figure out, when he first shared a room with the older man, why someone fucked so much. Pickles chalked it up to addiction when asked; of course, none of them could've known about this. Did _anyone_ know? After the failed attempt at opening up to his mother in wake of something so brutal, did Skwisgaar believe it could be stopped? Did he possess awareness of personal autonomy, or did this happen early enough in his life to stunt that from developing?

Whatever happened back then, Toki would make sure Skwisgaar stayed safe. No one could ever touch him again like that. Surely, now that the secret Skwisgaar tried to keep was revealed, what stopped them? Could the man stop hiding behind the guise of shit potentially hitting the fan with their bandmates? Were they all right to move forward? Did Skwisgaar finally trust him?

Excitement to have reached their second checkpoint for the trip struck Toki as the outskirts of Portland reeled them in. He couldn't be happier, in this moment. Despite that, he let Skwisgaar sleep. He came out of the next motel's office to find Skwisgaar stretching beside the car.

“Dis am it?” he yawned.

“Mhm.” Toki leaned up to kiss him. “Let's get everything packeds in.”

“Must be nears dinner time,” Skwisgaar remarked. “I ams pretty hungry.”

“We coulds order something in.” Hand under Skwisgaar's tee shirt, Toki rubbed his stomach. “I was thinkings about taking you out, but maybes we do that tomorrow night, instead. I don'ts want to sit in the car anothers minute, and I's ready to haves you all to myself.”

A tight smile preceded Skwisgaar chewing on his thumbnail when Toki closed the world out from their room. Not since before their stop in Kennewick had Skwisgaar removed his sunglasses. He jerked his head back when Toki attempted them.

“Hey.” Toki rubbed the man's arms instead. “Is okay.”

“I shouldn'ts has told you dat stuff.”

“I know it scary, but is goings to be fine. All those feelings come back when you confronts it. Is normal to feel ashameds. I dids the same when you ask me about my scars.”

“I woulds rat'er you didn'ts know about it.”

“Does you nots want me to know, or does you mean you wish there wasn'ts anything to tell? That's what I hads to face when I starteds talking about home. I hads this feeling in my chest like a really means kitty scratched me all up.” Toki took Skwisgaar's silence to mean he carefully listened. “You thinks when you leave home that it won'ts follow you, but is always in the background. I knows this, elskling. I beens right where you are, before.”

“I still don'ts appreskate dat you pushed me to talks about it.” Even with sunglasses separating them, Toki could tell Skwisgaar's eyes darted. “Please don'ts do dat again. If I tells you t'ing, I wants it to be my choice.”

“Of course.” Now that the ice broke, Skwisgaar didn't need to hide anymore. In Toki's experience, that meant so much. “I could see how much you neededs to air it out, though. This has been interferings with your life way too longs. Don't you feels better?”

“Kinds of, now dat de worst of it ams passed. Stills gots a stomach ache, oogh.”

Toki led Skwisgaar over to the bed, where he sat down and positioned the other man to stand between his legs. Skwisgaar's shirt came untucked, then Toki nuzzled the soft skin directly below his ribcage. “Is all uphills from here, though. Even if you still sometimes hurt, you's at the beginning of something magnificent.”

“Don'ts feel like it. Ams only raw.”

“Everything's reopened. These aren't typicals wound, Skwis. You can'ts let this scabs up and heals like you would a scrape. The only ways to do is to keeps opening them, lets them bleed out, and helps your body makes new blood. Then it doesn'ts run so black anymore. Goes back to a regulars red.”

“Couldn'ts get much blacker dan dis,” Skwisgaar said quietly. “I don'ts know, Toki. Dis has beens going on so long dat I can'ts even imagine anyt'ing else. Sometimes I cans forget about it.”

“It never really goes away like that, and you convince yourself everything's normal, but it so far from that. If you was over it, you wouldn'ts be so distant. You wouldn'ts be so scareds of other people, because you wouldn'ts expect them to hurts you.”

“You won'ts tell anyone, right? I don'ts want to goes home and have de guys ask me t'ing or Charles tryings to adds detail to my file, or Twinkletits offerings me t'erapy. . .”

“Your secret's safe with Toki. If you wants anything like that, is all on you, now. It isn'ts a bad thing, you know. I goes to Twinkletits once a week to talks.”

Skwisgaar nodded, having already been aware of that. “It make it real, though.”

“What make it real is that you deals with it everyday, whethers you realize it or not. Wouldn'ts it be nice to lets it go, and to gets rid of the power it have over you? I stills not all good, I admits, but I's a lot furthers along than I was five years ago, when I first starteds going regularly to Twinkletits.”

“I haves noticed dat,” Skwisgaar conceded.

“Seriously. I mights not even be heres, if I didn't sucks up my pride.” Toki kissed his stomach. “But I nots trying to convince you to does anything. I just wants you to know what's availables to you, if you choose. This isn't something you gots to goes alone on, now. It isn'ts taboo to talks about the bad thing what happens to us when we're kids, and while peoples used to think what happens to you didn't happens to guys at all, now they knows it just go unreporteds. Guys worry it turn them gay, but isn'ts true.”

“Who I sleeps wit' just nevers mattered to me, and I didn'ts give it much thought past dat.” Rolling his bottom lip through his teeth, Skwisgaar hesitantly removed his sunglasses. For having not shed a single tear—far as Toki noticed, anyway—his eyes were still bloodshot. “Dis am so weirds to me. Is surreal, dat we ams talking about it. I amn'ts shore how to handles dat.”

“Lays down with me,” Toki invited him. Horizontal, he encouraged Skwisgaar to tuck his head beneath his chin. Perhaps, when hidden away, he'd feel better. “I needs to know, as the person you currently sleepings with. . .is there anythings that I might do what reminds you of bad things?”

Skwisgaar's fingers tapped Toki's back in thought. “I don'ts t'ink so, no. I'ves fucked enough to nots feel anyt'ing when. . .you know, whatever I ams doing is similar to anyt'ing what happeneds. Is kinds of hard to tells right now, wit' it back at de front of my mind. Feels like I should maybes take a breather.”

“I stands behind you, if you feels that way. I puts the ball in your court. You decides when we talk, you decides when we fools around.”

“You aren'ts going to look ats me different when we does, right?”

“I sees how precious you are, but isn'ts like I see fingerprints, no.”

“Ugh.” Skwisgaar's breath washed over Toki's collarbone. “Dat ams what it like. Like everyt'ing from my face to my toes am markeds up wit' dem. I cans feel it all happening again, like worms brushing against me.”

“I remembers when it would feel like my father's whip hits my back.” Toki kissed the top of his head. “It stops, after a while. Everything's fresh, right now. Eventually you'll does what I do. The scars are there and they pulls a bit, but you adapts to how you need to moves with them. You don'ts think about where they came from, anymore. They just there. Nothings more.”

“What if is too late?” Skwisgaar asked. “I ams going to be thirty-six dis summer. Dis starteds happening when I was onlies four. I hardlies have any memories from a times in my life when I wasn'ts. . . _dis_.”

“Is cliche to say, but betters late than never. Woulds you really wants to waste your entires life stucks on this?”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “Dat onlies lasted untils I was almost eight, but it was so much, Toki. I looks back at anyt'ing good dat happen during dat time and I can'ts even see light. Evens t'ing like my mom takings me to de beach, it seem like it happen at night time. It don'ts help dat it endeds in a really unsbarrassing way.”

“Likes how, elskling?”

“I hads. . .problems.” Skwisgaar hesitated. “Ams easier to say since we and de ot'er guys do its all de time when drunk or whatevers, but. . .you knows. Usings your shorts as a restroom. It wasn'ts as bad when it happen at home, since my mom wents to work or hads a date, so I coulds just wash all my beddings and pretend it never happen. I hids it for a while. In a way it was. . .normal. But den one night my mom broughts a guy home, and I didn't sleeps because I was scared of what mights happen. Not'ing did, but when I wents to school de next day, I was tireds. I fell asleeps in class.”

“Oh.” Toki rubbed his back.

“De teacher sents me to de principals office and all de ot'er kids got earlies recess.” Monotony denoted emotional detachment. “I knews how to handle a guy dat was pissed at me, so I trieds to calm him down. He slappeds me, for touching his belt. Den dey calleds my mom in, and. . .ugh, dey wouldn'ts even let me see her. Dey hads me locked in de principal's office wit' some government lady, and I coulds hear my mom freakings out. I didn'ts get it. I wanteds to go back to her, because she was all I hads, you know? But dis lady, she kepts telling me dat I was goings to be okay because I wasn'ts going home, and all I could t'ink was, where does I go, den? Where ams dere for me to go, if I can'ts have my room, my t'ings, or my moms?”

“They tooks you away from her?”

Skwisgaar nodded. “I trieds to tell dem not'ing happen when dey kepts grilling me, but dey wouldn'ts listen. I wents wit' de government lady and sats in her office while she mades phone call. It felts like forever, but she finally gots a hold of my mormor, in Göteborg.”

“Your mom's mom?”

“She didn'ts even know she was a grandma. Cans you believe dat?” Skwisgaar chuckled mirthlessly. “She and my mom hadn't spokens in years. But she said she woulds take me, so I lefts Vällingby. Was for de best, anyway. No ways could I ever go back to dat school.”

“Vällingby? I thoughts you mom live up by Sundsvall?”

“Kovland was after. I wents back to her, when I was ten. She gots herself figured out, moveds out of de city, all dat shits. No ways would I evers go back to her if I hads to attends de same school, or possiblies see any of dem men again.” Skwisgaar paused. “Göteborg was good. I really likeds my mormor. She was a lot stricters, but I t'inks I neededs dat.”

“You nevers talks about her. Is she stills in Göteborg?”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “No. She dieds, when I was seventeen. I liveds wit' her again when I was gettings going as a guitarist. Figureds I was done wit' Sweden, after dat. Mets de ot'er guys nots long after, when Fuckface Academy playeds at de same festival as dem, stayeds in America, you know de rest of de stories from dere, I t'ink.”

“Pretties much.” Toki nodded. “Didn'ts anyone give you anys help, when you was in Göteborg, the first time? Didn'ts you talk to anyone?”

“I remembers meeting wit' dis lady once a week and we woulds talk about what was goings on in my life while playings backgammon and stuff, but I don'ts really got any memory of beings asked what happen. I t'ink dat so longs as I was happy, dey was too.”

“Maybes she was waitings for you to say something.”

“Huh, fats chance of dat.”

Toki felt bad, in Stockholm. If not for the nature of what brought them back to the same room, he would've held onto Skwisgaar's secret forever. Charles wanted him to help though, so that's what he did. Toki's best guess for why Skwisgaar committed matricide was everything Serveta ever allowed happen in his youth escalating too far in confrontation. So, of course, outside of this room, Toki maintained ignorance about what motivated Skwisgaar.

“That was all the defendant told you?”

Toki nodded. “Of the bad stuff, anyway. I thinks he just really neededs to get it off his chest. Was maybes nice, to have someone listen and not says too much. Just lets him talk, and all that. Afters that, with all the bad stuff in the air, he tolds me more happy stuff afters I called in for some Chinese food.”

“De cool t'ing about Göteborg and Sundsvall was de music,” Skwisgaar stated through a mouthful of rice, in Portland. “Mormor wouldn'ts let me go anywhere alones in Göteborg, but Mom lets me bus into Sundsvall whenevers I wanteds to. Dids dat more once I gots my Explorer. Joined my forst band at fourteen. Was abskolute shits, but we hads fun.”

“Dids you play any gigs?”

“Nah. We weren'ts even good enough for _dat_.” Skwisgaar chuckled. “Just a bunch of kids playings Mercyful Fates covers. Nots even wort' notings, except dat it was what starts it all for me.”

“Hey, gives yourself some credits. The guitars for Mercyful Fates are pretties good.”

“Ja, it didn'ts takes me too long to gets good enough to plays dem.”

Toki chuckled while kissing Skwisgaar's cheek. Nothing that ever happened could take the arrogant asshole out of him, and Toki loved that even if he regularly fell prey to it. “I wish I was there. I woulds has loved pallings around with you.”

“So you t'inks. You couldnts even handle me in my early twenties, and I was worse when I was a teen. Judgings by how many band kickeds me out, I was a total shithead.”

“Aw, they wouldn'ts let you play with them no mores?”

“Was deir loss,” Skwisgaar huffed. “Dey coulds has been great. I still gets called by dem sometimes, tryings to be friendly. But I tells dem screw you, go die. You says I rodes _your_ coattails? Fucks you, who ams trying to does it now?”

“You know, when you nots acting likes as asshole at me, I loves it. We needs more common enemies.” Toki tossed some chicken into his mouth. “We's way better as a team, don'ts you think?”

“Ja.” Switching hands with his fork, Skwisgaar squeezed Toki's upper arm. “T'anks you, for nots letting all dis get weird.”

“I don't sees it, Skwis. I just wants you to be happy. You wents through the paces today, but I cans already sees a difference in you. You's always been tall, but nots like this.”

Although Toki remained outwardly positive all through the evening, he couldn't shake a deeply rooted anxiety. Only when Skwisgaar's breathing evened out beside him did he roll over and investigate the source. He inhaled on a stutter, tears blurring his vision. How could it be, that Skwisgaar ever had to sleep with one eye open? Why did he need to be afraid, or hurt? For how hard he and Skwisgaar could go sometimes, what was required to bruise an entire ribcage? Maybe not much, with a child. Goddamn it, how old was Skwisgaar when that happened?

Anger curled Toki's fists. He didn't want to get so emotionally involved in the past, but _damn._ How could he stay calm, when someone hurt the man he loved like that?

The ache in his chest that normally came after a bad day in Norway reemerged. How would he feel like _anything_ , if someone used him as an object for cheap thrill? How did Skwisgaar even survive? Toki empathized completely with trying to feel nothing at all, by distancing himself. He imagined Skwisgaar gathering up the pieces of himself after his mother rejected his pain, then imagined meeting the man that raped him on his way back down the apartment hallway.

Toki couldn't, without biting down on his fingers to suppress any noise he might make. Maybe sometimes he had _too_ good of an imagination.  


	22. Demos

“You shore dere amn't anyt'ing you wanteds to do in Portland, forst?”

The suburbs and surrounding communities disappeared behind them, the further west they drove on the Sunset Highway. Toki shook his head. “No, elskling. To be honest, I just wanteds to says I beens there. I's more excited about seeings the ocean.”

A little over a week ago now, they'd said their goodbyes to the Atlantic. Three-thousand miles with twenty-four seven contact, and they still stuck it out. When they first planned this road trip near the Connecticut-New York state line, Toki barely anticipated reaching Chicago. Even if they didn't make it to Vegas before something went wrong (although it couldn't possibly now, given all the progress they'd made), Toki would cherish the memories they'd created for the rest of his life. This road trip told him that no matter what they encountered—whether an external threat or harried internal affair—they would overcome. And that made Skwisgaar Toki's boyfriend, whether he realized it or not.

“How far ams it?”

“Anothers hour, or so.” Not bad, compared to what they'd already done. “Wowie, I cans hardly believe we really here.”

“Huh, imagines how crappy dis last week woulds has been if we torneds back when you forst wanteds. What woulds you has done, insteads?”

“Probablies get drunk in the hot tub.” That was a given. “Um. . .maybes make some new music, althoughs admittedly I wouldn'ts have these songs in my head if we didn'ts keep going.”

“Dis has been inspirings to me, too.” To showcase that, Skwisgaar spent a portion of the morning seated on the edge of the bed with his newest guitar. Only by sheer relentlessness did Toki convince him not to bring it along. Perhaps, if Toki didn't wish so hard to know more—to know _everything—_ that went on in Skwisgaar's mind, he wouldn't have opposed. He himself, after nine days of creative rest, felt his bank restock. “What kind of song you gots kicking arounds up dere?”

“Something extremelys upbeat, that you woulds only hates on principle.”

“ _Pff_ , I likes de t'ing you has showns me before.”

“No you didn'ts! When I tells you it was my music, you points out every error you coulds possibly find, and when I says I wants you to check somethings out and secretly plays my stuff, you don'ts care!”

“I believes dat ams called entrapments.” Skwisgaar sipped his water bottle. “Seriously though, you can'ts expeck to brings your musics to anothers musiskins and nots get conskruktives critikisms. Amn'ts my faults you can'ts handle dat.”

“Tellings me it was dildos isn'ts very constructives.”

“You nevers even lets me _get_ to de constructives part befores you storms out, so how woulds you even know?”

“How long was I expecteds to sits there and takes that?”

“Okays, maybes I coulds has handles dat differentlies,” Skwisgaar breezed, “but I hads legitskimates t'ing to say too. You knows dat one you showeds me a couple week ago, dat go like dis?”

Toki slowly nodded as Skwisgaar accurately whistled a couple bars. He had to admit, he was impressed that Skwisgaar remembered it.

“You haves too much goings on in it. Ams chaotics. You makes a slips from cheerful to sombre in de bridge, and it don'ts make no sense. Eithers you steps dat up a notch and makes it match de overall tone or you takes it out and creates two distink songs. You can'ts has dem toget'er, but de melody ams wort' keeping.”

“Well. . .thanks you.” Toki worked hard not to filter the criticism through his emotions, of which dominantly dictated what kind of music wound up on his computer. It shouldn't sting so much by the time he worked on it again. “But you don'ts need to be so means, whenever I asks you to listens to something. I wouldn'ts come to you, if I just wanteds to hear someone tells me I dids a good job. Cans you see why I mights not be so receptives to anything when you starts off by tellings me it horribles, without any explanations? How woulds _you_ like it, if I cames into your room once in a while just to points out that one note you playeds wrong on Worldwide Suicide?”

“Ugh. Dat can'ts even _compare_ , Toki. Your music amn't outs dere, but Worldwide Suicide am stucks on vinyl. At least you gots de option of changings your t'ing, where I can'ts until Nat'an lets me rerecords dat album.”

“That isn'ts the point. It hurt, when people says you aren'ts any good. Especially when they your friends, and are supposed to be supportives.”

“I _am_ supportives. Dids I ever follows you backs to your room and makes you delete de song?”

“You didn'ts have to. Sometimes I dids it myself, because there didn't seems to be a point in trying.”

Skwisgaar ceased watching the Cascadian forest pass them by. He couldn't be accurately read from the corner of Toki's eye, but a shuffle and less-righteous tone said enough. “You shouldn'ts delete t'ing just because of what people say, Toki.”

“Well, once I's done with _you_ , I starts hearing it through your ears, and you's right. Is shits.”

“I nevers once said your music am shits.”

“Ja, you dids.”

“Well, I didn'ts mean it.”

“You dids.”

“Just because we ams friend don'ts mean I automaticallys like everyt'ing you make. Does you like everyt'ing _I_ makes?”

Lips pressed together, Toki jerkily shook his head.

“Exactlies, but I don'ts take it porsonally. I tells you too, don'ts make me listen to it untils I ams ready Toki, I nots in de right headspace fors it, but you wears me down anyway. Ams annoyings, and it don'ts do you no favours. Likes when I makes you learn new Dethklok songs wit' me.” Skwisgaar crossed his arms. “So you can't sits dere and say dat I ams needlessly cruels, when it am also to does wit' how you interprets t'ing and reacts to it.”

“Don'ts acts all high and mightys. There has definitely beens time that you was mean for the sakes of it.”

“Amn'ts all de time.”

“Once it happen enoughs, it start to feels that way.”

Silence turned awkward quickly. Yet again, the natural high Toki started the day off with dissipated. He shouldn't bring up shit that would surely make them fight, when he intended to have a good day. However far they came, both geographically and toward reaching an understanding, they still had yet to go a day without facing off about something.

“For what it am wort', I apolgesac,” Skwisgaar eventually said. “Evens if some of de t'ing you make amn'ts to my taste, it don'ts change dat you ams talented.”

“Is easy to lose perspective, sometimes. I gots to live with _you_. Does you have any idea what it like, to be in your shadow?” Toki sighed. “I guess is the price I pays for being in Dethklok. Maybes if I wasn'ts, it wouldn'ts feel like I don't got anything to offer.”

“Honestly Toki, we ams _all_ in de shadow of somet'ing bigger dan ourselves. I has come to t'ink of de band as it own entity. Nones of us could make music on our own like we does when we ams toget'er. Dat am somet'ing to makes peace wit'.”

“Is easy for _you_ to say. You's the lead guitarist, and you writes the music. When _you_ stands back and looks at Dethklok, you hears your own stuff. Not someone with clumsy, fat fingers tryings to keep up.”

With a sigh, Skwisgaar reached under his seat for the CD booklet they'd barely flipped through since first acquiring the car. They'd noted presence of a burned disc possessing early Dethklok demos, but Skwisgaar refused to tolerate this avenue of reminiscence. Expecting to hear familiar chatter at the beginning of all the tracks, Toki instead squinted an eye as Pickles and Nathan went back and forth on the song Skwisgaar let play. “I don'ts remember this one.”

“Was from befores you joined. Listens to de guitar.”

Toki listened through Skwisgaar's ears. Sloppy, for sure. The sweeps were dirty, the arpeggios off, and despite rawness, Toki fought off a cringe.

“It ams lazy. It go ins one direction, den starts off in anot'er. It am self-indulgent, wrackings, and, wit' no betters way to explains it, schizophrenics.” With a grunt of disgust, Skwisgaar smacked the pause button. “Makes my stomachs want to throws up, it am so horribles. Dere am no excuse for someone to takes de guitar and makes it sound like a dyings animal. Actually, a dyings animal would sounds much better. Is more like a man what eats a jar fulls of really garlicky pickle and den borps over and overs again in your face, so close dat you cans taste dem.”

“It wasn'ts _that_ bad. . .”

“Compares it to dis.” Skwisgaar doubled back to one that made Toki smile, on the intro.

“ _Jeg sette fingrene mine her?”_

“ _Ja, just likes I showed you—”_

“ _Dood, haven' you taught thet kid English yet?”_

“ _Ready?”_ Nathan cut them all off. _“Counting in.”_

The demo version of Starved pervaded the vehicle. Skwisgaar let it play for about thirty seconds before turning the volume low enough for conversation. “I don't hears my own stuff when I stands back and listen to Dethklok. Ams all of us. If Nat'an and Pickle didn'ts hold me to a crazy standord, we wouldn'ts has made it out of de gutter. I don'ts t'ink it am a coincidence dat we founds upward traction _afters_ we found you.”

“That's pretty lofty to says.”

“You can'ts argue wit' de facts, Toki. You heards de difference, and you alreadies know dat havings you around make me plays better.”

“Because you can't stands the idea that someone else mights be better, than you.”

“Ams artistics jealousy,” Skwisgaar replied. “No matters who you am, if you ams creative, you deals wit' it. You has talkeds about having it, and I amn'ts a stranger to its either. I has dedicateds my entires life to dis craft. It haves become my identities, how I defines myself when I stands to face de world. If I don'ts have dat, I literally haves not'ing. All dat hard work I'ves put in over de year woulds be no good.

“So some days I ams torn between having someones around dat I can levels wit', and someones dat I needs to compete wit'. It stress me out. I gets jealous, when you shows me t'ing you mades, because I can'ts do dat. I don'ts play anyt'ing but de guitar. I ams tied to Dethklok. So whens dey puts me in de ground, everyone am goings to remember me for dat. Dey goings to remember _you_ for beings Toki.”

“It don'ts got to be likes that, though. You aren'ts a prisoner, Skwis. Why don'ts you make your own music?”

“Because afters keeping up with Dethklok and practicings all day to maintains my standord, I ams just too tired.”

However badly Toki felt when Skwisgaar got tough on his musical pursuits, he'd never received a putdown as thoroughly disheartening as what Skwisgaar just dished out on himself. He dreaded every time circumstance led to them interacting as Dethklok's guitarists, but how stressful would it be to have that critic permanently affixed inside his head?

“You ams right in a sense, dat listenings to Dethklok am likes listening to my legacy. I haves to believe dat it has beens worth it, otherwise, what de hells did I do wit' my life?”

“How can you says it nots been worth it? Looks around us. We has changed the world in a ways that it won't evers go back.”

“And ats what price? Looks at us. We ams caged rats. You can'ts pretend dat dis road trip hasn't puts dat into porspectives. Does you know what regular jack-offs do, when dey wants to gets away from home fors a bit? Dey tells deir boss dey ams going, dey packs up de car, and voila, dey ams free. Dere amn't no check-in calls, klokateers, needs for disguises. . .”

“Skwis, we don'ts really got a rights to say that. We's the richest assholes on the whole planet. What we evers got to worries about?”

“Ams easy to says now, since we ams out of dat place. But you waits until we gets back to sees how you feel. Wills be a whole differents ballgame.”

Tired of talking about music and returning to his previous esteem of the other man, Toki touched his forearm. “What's your stance now, on nots going back?”

“Ach, never thoughts I would say dis, but I ams honestlies torn. I don'ts want to drops everyt'ing I has accomplished in my life, but sometimes am just too much. Mights be okay if once in a whiles we coulds get away like dis.”

“Likes take vacations together?” Toki could support that, for him and Skwisgaar taking off on their own again meant that whatever went on between them wasn't going to end. “Where woulds you want to go?”

“I don'ts know. Ams fun just to points at a map and decide from dere. I has seens pretty much all de places people normally goes for vacation, so at dis point it am more importants _who_ I goes wit'.”

“I know we fights a lot, but I wouldn'ts trade gettings to have you this way for anything. Seriously, you's so special, and I nots just sayings that because of the way I feels about you. You're so creative, so smart, so funnies—don't just scoffs it off, is true! Who has more a right to says that, than Toki? Who knows you, as well as I do?”

“No ones.”

“Just looks at you! Why does you blush so much, when you gets compliments?”

Skwisgaar turned more toward the window. “I amn'ts blushing. Ams hot in here.”

“The air conditionings is on full blast.” Toki gave his leg a squeeze. “Is okay to be flattered, you know. Evens if you shoulds be used to everyone figurativesly sucking your dick. Looks at me.”

Indeed, dark blotches tinged Skwisgaar's cheeks. The man had chosen again to use sunglasses as a buffer from any extreme set of emotions he might encounter from Toki. Toki allowed that for now, since he hunched that not much genuine love made it Skwisgaar's way in life. With the amount Toki wished to share, Skwisgaar needed time to adjust. “I loves you for everything, Skwis. I loves you for your goods moments as much as your bads. I thoughts I was stupids about you _before_. Can'ts even compare to when you finally lets me in.”

“Dere got to be _somet'ing_ dat you can't stands about me.”

“You don'ts understand the meanings of unconditional, do yous?” Toki resisted the urge to pull off to the side of the road, so that he could briefly reacquaint with those lips. “Evens when you ups in my face yellings at me and callings me stupids, I loves you so much I coulds punch a bear. It don'ts matter how much I maybes hate you.”

“Ams comforting, I guess.”

“You guess?” Toki still called him on half-assed responses.

“Okay, ams pretty great. I likes dat I can relies on you, no matters what. And dat you wills always tell de truth.”

“Mhm. You gots a pretty runaway ego, sometimes.”

Further agreement preceded Skwisgaar's request that they pull over for a pit stop. While he wandered off into the bush in order to water a tree, Toki turned the stereo back on and returned to the initial song Skwisgaar showed him. If he remained objective, it actually wasn't bad. Certainly different from the style Skwisgaar developed over the years, but it didn't deserve such a nasty disparagement. Toki tried to imagine nineteen year old Skwisgaar, battling his personal war in a foreign land after the death of his grandmother and renouncement of his mother. He had nobody except the voice he used to fight Magnus with for dominion, angrily and violently.

“Dids you needs to go too?” Skwisgaar asked when he returned to the roadside, where Toki leaned against the vehicle.

“Nah. Just likes the way you looks.”

“You could sees me from inside de car.”

Arms around Skwisgaar's middle, Toki gave him a gentle squeeze. “Ja, but there's some things you just wants to see up close.” 


	23. Pillow Talk

Toki craned ahead as road signs welcomed them into Cannon Beach, but water didn't reflect sunlight in their direction until an appropriate street alignment. He squealed with excitement. “Wowie, there it is!”

“Calms down, ah? We seens de Pacifics before,” Skwisgaar lightheartedly chided him. Regardless of that, he got out of the vehicle as quickly as Toki, who immediately ran toward the shoreline. Salt in the air made him feel at home, as if he and Skwisgaar had merely taken off for a beach on their home side of the continent. That both galled and pleased him; for a moment it felt like they hadn't gone anywhere at all, and yet, when they _did_ return to Mordhaus, this kind of date was replicable.

“Waits up. You moves too fast.” Skwisgaar took his hand before they set off at an amble down the bustling beach. Sunlight glared off his sunscreen-coated shoulders. “Oogh, dis wind feels good. Ams hot, for April.”

“You's just too hots, period.”

“Ams nice for you to be backs into a good mood.”

“I has wanteds to be in a good mood all day, but _sometimes_ is kinds of hard when the guy you pallings around with is beings difficult.”

“How was I beings difficult?” Skwisgaar furrowed his brow. “ _You_ ams de one dat broughts up de music. We didn'ts have to goes in abouts it.”

“Whatsever. Is over now.” Toki didn't want to revisit their discussion, happy as he was how it eventually turned in their favour. However, he discerned something else in need of address. “You's been acting distant agains, today.”

“Hows you mean?”

“You seems like your mind gones elsewhere, likes you maybes not happy.”

“De t'ing we talkeds about on de way amn'ts exactly light discussions material.”

“Whats you thinking about?” Perhaps where Toki found relief, Skwisgaar earned anxiety for admitting the existence of an inferiority complex. Skwisgaar bowed his head against a breeze, which sent his hair back over his shoulders. With initial hesitation and despite the sun, he pushed his sunglasses over his forehead.

“Is just weird, to puts it all out on de table like dat. I don'ts want to t'ink dat I amn'ts happy in Dethklok, but is hard not to feel like I missings out on somet'ing. Ams ridiculous, because what ams bigger dan dis stupids band? Dis ams all I evers wanted, since I knews how to dream. But now dat I gots it, where does I go from here?”

“Maybes is good you takes a break, this past week.”

“Dat ams just it. Dis has beens really good and I ams enjoyings myself, but ams going to be really hards to puts my nose backs to de grindstone.”

“You needs to slows down once in a while, Skwis. We cans do stuff like this. Maybes we won'ts ever gets away with runnings off again, but it don't stops us from goings to the beach or outs for milkshakes.” Toki brought them to a stop, forcing Skwisgaar to face him. “Is possible, and you knows it. You beens hiding behind fear when it come to us, but maybes now you sees more why I wants this to last longer than just untils we go home. Maybes parts of why you feel so torn is because you's gottens away from work, but you gots to admit what's going on with us has mades you happy too.”

A warm smile slowly spread over Skwisgaar, softening his eyes. “Porhaps.”

“Na-uh, nones of that crap. Picks a side: ja or no.”

“Den ja, it does. You know, evens if de t'ing I tells you hasn'ts been. . .all dat great.” Skwisgaar's gaze dropped again with that, landing near their toes. Toki taking a step closer forced it back up.

“On the contraries, I thinks getting that out in the opens was a good move for you. Don'ts you feel a littles lighter? Isn'ts it nice to know that you cans tell someone anything, and it won'ts change the way they feels about you?”

Skwisgaar nodded jerkily, vocal confirmation falling quiet between them.

“Is what I means when I says I wants you to be my boyfriend.” Toki kissed his chin. “I thinks that you—just as much as me—won'ts be able to lets this go when we's home. Is stupids, to believes we could comes this far and just throws it away. I maintains that the other guys won'ts care as much as you keep sayings they might. Ja, they mights tease us, but I don'ts think they would means it in a nasty way.”

“Dey ams definitely goings to tease us.”

“I likes that you say goings to, instead of mights.”

“Ja, well. . .”

A wave of exhilaration sent a minute tremble through Toki. “Dids I finally wears you down?”

“Now look who amn'ts talking straight.” Skwisgaar pushed his shoulder. “But if you wants to put it dat way, den ja, you dids.”

There carried on the tradition of Skwisgaar forcing Toki to an utmost extreme of emotion. Unable to believe he could ever be so exultant due to anything regarding this man, Toki latched himself about Skwisgaar's waist and nuzzled the crook of his neck. What could he even say? This validated _everything_. All those nights he spent awake either pining or jacking off in frustration weren't for nothing. This trip wouldn't end at Mordhaus' grand entrance. This wasn't just a fling, as Skwisgaar initially postulated. Not only that, Skwisgaar came about willingly. He _wanted_ to be with Toki.

“This is absolutelies crazy,” Toki finally said. “I nevers dreamed untils a week ago that this woulds be possible.”

“Ams just time to does it justice, and calls it for what it ams. I amn'ts going to wants to quit fucking when we gets back, and I can'ts ignore dat I enjoy spendings all dis time wit' you. Evens if we fight for a lots of it.”

“I don'ts even really cares that we fight. Is actually good, because I thinks we gettings accustomed to each other. We calls each other out on our bullshits, and is crucial if we wants to be honest.” Toki rubbed Skwisgaar's back, underneath his shirt.

“Gots no choice but to mans up and face it, when we can'ts get away from each other.” A smirk came over Skwisgaar. “You know I'm shits for talking about t'ing like dis, but I can'ts deny dat dere am somet'ing here. Mores dan beings pals, mores dan fuckings. Dat amn'ts goings to goes away, just because we tries to rein it in.”

“So you agrees, then.” Even if Skwisgaar remained awkward in expressing anything deeper than superficial romance, Toki ate it up with a spoon. “I always felt it. Thoughts you were either oblivsious or really goods at ignoring it.”

Why the hell were they so far from their motel room? Toki grew jittery for more contact with the other man. He gripped his hand like a lifeline as they walked as far as they cared down the beach, got some hot dogs from a vendor, and decided that sight of the ocean closed this leg of the trip. They would return to Portland, sleep one more night, and then head southeast for Vegas.

Toki maintained a heroin-like high all throughout and most of the way back into the city. However, increasingly long silences and a softening tone on Skwisgaar's part made him nervous. This was where Skwisgaar realized what he'd gotten himself into, right? When he took it all back? Chalked up his acquiescence to getting caught in the moment? By the time Toki cut the engine in front of their motel room, his chest hummed with full-blown anxiety. He was almost too scared to ask, and Skwisgaar seemed willing to share nothing without prompt.

Biting the bullet, Toki swept hair back over Skwisgaar's shoulder inside. “You okay?”

“Ja.” Downcast eyes, again. At least proximity didn't spook him. “Dere am just somet'ing I needs to say.”

“Goes ahead.”

Skwisgaar edged Toki further toward curiosity, when calloused fingertips crept underneath the arm of his tee shirt. “I t'inks you already figures dis out, and I hates to sound like an idiot sayings it, but dis am puttings me in a position wheres. . .well, I coulds get fuckeds up really easily.”

“Hows you mean, elskling?”

“Dat, for ones. I never beens no one's älskling.” Skwisgaar uncomfortably cleared his throat. “I guess what I ams trying to say ams dat I don't trust easily. I haves never lets anyone gets as close to me as you ams. I'ves never torneds into a fuckings lunatic over someone before. It ams a little scary.”

“I wouldn'ts lure you in, just to breaks your heart.” The pitiful expression Skwisgaar tried so hard to hide drew Toki nearer. “I needs you to trust me on that, okay? You gives me this, and just see how happy Toki will makes you.”

“I'm sorry.” A strained smile worried Toki again. “I'm probablies not goings to be any good at dis.”

“We works at it. You're nots much of a talker, but so longs as you somehow lets me know we on the same page, then is okay.” Toki sat them down on the edge of the bed. “Is a big steps for you. But all that's changing is the technicalities about it. If is overwhelmings, just thinks about it like we's friends that fuck. All that's going to change is the name we puts on it.”

“Dere ams more to it dan dat. Sayings dis am goings to keep happening when we goes home makes dis trip so much more real. And what ifs it don't work, when we amn'ts alone no more?”

“It isn'ts like we just says we in a relatesingip and then that's it. Comings into this isn'ts the end of the story, likes in the movies. This is just parts of it.” Maybe Skwisgaar would benefit from looking at it abstractly. “Thinks of it like a river that constantly change where it lay. We haves this bridge over it, and every time the river change, we needs to add new things to our bridge. Sometimes we haves to move it, sometimes we gots to rebuild. The importants thing is that we don'ts give up and let it crumble.”

Skwisgaar considered it for a moment. “So basicallys, we haves just finished buildings de forst one?”

“Mhm.” Toki kissed his cheek. “Maybes neither of us has really builts bridges before and we aren't sure how it'll stands up to all the water, but so long as we does equal part to make sure the bridge stay standings, then what does that matter?”

“I still can'ts wrap my mind around dis, though. Has beens a while since I was in a relatesingip, and ams only de second one. De stakes am a littles higher wit' you. I don'ts want to fucks dis up.”

“Seriously, you's over-thinking this, Skwis. We takes it a day at a time. You needs to get used to the idea, and that's perfectly fines. We keeps it casual, still. It isn'ts like as soon as you agrees to be mine, I going to start shovings you into a mould.” Toki put an arm around his middle. “Thinks about it this way: when I's your boyfriend, you can knows anything abouts me, or does anything _to_ me. What's you going to do, with that freedom?”

“Well. . .”

Skwisgaar's reserved touch endeared Toki. Tonight, Toki undressed someone terrified of his own feelings; _don't hurt me_ was written all across Skwisgaar's face when his shirt came off. The sight of someone so precious influenced a grin that couldn't be suppressed. Toki met a pliable partner as they clumsily gravitated toward the centre of the bed, throwing the odd article of clothing over the edge. Once Toki got Skwisgaar onto his back, the man seemed to have shed some of his anxiety.

“Haves I said lately how much you surprise me?”

“I don'ts get how. It amn'ts like I totalies hid myself away from you.”

“Maybes not, but I's really enjoyings how is all fallings together. I loves that you lets yourself be vulnerable with Toki, evens if you not completely sure abouts it.” Toki pressed the first kiss to Skwisgaar's sternum, slowly making his way downward. “I's going to make sure you know was worth it. All I needs is the chance to proves myself. So thanks you for givings it to me.”

Rather than a celebrity krillionaire, Toki leaned over a dragon-obsessed dork. An equal held his hair back. He'd dreamed for years that someday, he wouldn't have to crane in order to make eye contact with this giant of a man. With level ground as their new status quo, Toki could handle whatever awaited them at Mordhaus. He'd stand up against the other guys if they wanted to shoot it down. He'd take in stride whatever strain work placed on him and Skwisgaar. He would stand before the whole world if necessary, in order to proclaim his love.

Unfortunately, none of that worked out near to plan. A wash of sentimentality reopening every wound froze Toki on the stand. Blurred vision disappeared Skwisgaar from view as Toki's gaze wandered away from where Charles stood.

“Toki?” Charles addressed him. “Would you like to take a recess?”

Toki trembled too much to nod or shake his head. He willed to remain strong before Skwisgaar, to show that he too could be cold and resilient. If he spoke, he'd completely blow that cover. Thankfully, Meshuggah banged his gavel as his normally turned-down mouth obscured badly-fitting teeth out of compassion. Toki still couldn't budge, though. Not until the indistinct orange jumpsuit disappeared from the room did he numbly stand. He did his best to hold it, to swallow all the emotion that so stubbornly rose.

“We's going back to the hotel?”

“Unless you want to go somewhere else,” Charles replied. “Ah, I won't be coming with you this time. Do you think you'll be able to finish this afternoon?”

“Hope so.” Toki kept glancing at the exit. How was he going to weather all that media, when he felt bare inches from breaking down all over again? If only his mother came. Toki might have hidden the extent of emotional damage done, but he needed someone to lean on. He couldn't rely on his bandmates, and Abigail was still several time zones away. If Charles didn't come, then who did he have left?

Some nameless klokateer guided him to the limousine. Therein, Toki slumped on his seat. The worst part of losing Skwisgaar was no longer being able to use him as a buffer against the rest of the world. He found the best comfort on Skwisgaar's white bed in Mordhaus, watching those fingers lick over and over again through scales. Toki definitely shouldn't have listened to his stupid heart. Why _couldn't_ it be a fling? Why did he have to push _so hard_ for something that would last longer than their road trip? It could've been just as meaningful, even if in a different way. They would still be friends today. Maybe, if not from all the stress, Skwisgaar wouldn't have killed his mother. Toki could've still gone to Skwisgaar's room to visit, whenever he felt like it. They could've carried on as normal, after getting an earful from Charles and bandmates about worrying them needlessly. Toki could still stand to be close to Skwisgaar, without falling apart.

 _Lesson well learned,_ Toki repeated to himself. It never would've been that simple. Whatever hindsight he gained now could've never been executed. Toki was doomed from the start; whether or not Skwisgaar entertained his fantasy of a Happily Ever After, his heart would've broken. The only way to have avoided it completely was for the trip to never happen at all. But how many years could he and Skwisgaar coexist before the tightly-pressed friction between them finally gave? Was it only a matter of time? Was Toki destined, since birth, for this to happen?

Dramatic. Head in his hands, Toki drilled that chastisement into mind. He was being overly dramatic about this, because Skwisgaar really wasn't all that special. Skwisgaar was a man—nothing more. He didn't deserve Toki's heart, because for all the innocence he exuded, who stepped on who, at the end of it all? 


	24. Freya

It took some effort, but Toki gathered himself before the limousine stopped in its usual parking spot beneath the hotel. A klokateer escorted him to his room, where he cherished the silence for a few minutes before the reminder beep for text messages sounded from his phone. He ignored it twice more before dragging his sorry carcass off the fresh blankets and fetching it from the table.

There was a slew of messages from his bandmates, the most recent from Pickles a quarter hour ago: _'Dude when u get this come down 2 the restrant! Were having brekfist'_

An entirely different emotion washed through Toki's chest. Touched that all the other members of Dethklok would think of him as last night's intoxication wore off, he read on his way back downstairs the ten or so messages they each blew his phone up with. Reliving his fling with Skwisgaar over the past few days narrowed his perspective; Pickles, Nathan, and Murderface's absence during that period and their general absence now made it easy to forget them, after months spent in Scandinavia.

“Toki!” Pickles called him from a booth near the back, scrawny arm flailing in place of a wave. “Dood, over here!”

Toki grinned as he approached, then dropped into the space that Nathan made for him. None of them returned his level of enthusiasm, although Toki never expected it when Dethklok's free members congregated; Pickles, Nathan, and Murderface were much better at the whole caring thing when one-on-one.

“We didn' think you'd have ta go back, today,” Pickles spoke through a mouthful of pancakes. “Didja finish up this mornin'?”

“No, nots quite yet.” Toki shook his head as well in response to the waitress offering a menu. “Hopefullys this afternoon. Is exhausting.”

“What kind of thingsch isch Charlesch aschking you, anyway?” Murderface leaned forward to look past Nathan, who pored over a Swedish newspaper with a deep furrow between his eyebrows. “And how come _we_ never got schubpeonaed? They could put me on the schtand, I'd tell 'em that Schkwischgaar'sch no more fucked up than any of usch.”

“Dood, don' go around sayin' thet. Next thing ya know, we're _all_ in Swedish jail.”

“Might not be that bad! Have you ever _scheen_ how they treat their prischonersch here, Picklesch? Schkwischgaar'sch been living like a king!”

“Heh, maybe we should get ourselves arrested, then we could actually feckin' practice. . .”

Toki enjoyed listening to Murderface and Pickles's back-and-forth, even managing to laugh as they suggested various ways to land in the can next to their fallen brother. Despite Nathan's bulky figure beside him—as well as that only one and a half of Toki's ass cheeks situated fully on the bench, thanks to it—Toki ignored his silence until a long, heavy sigh drew all their attention.

“Dood,” Pickles sternly addressed him. “Put thet feckin' paper away 'n' quit obsessin' about it.”

“They're not going by their stage names, anymore.”

“So? Who gives a crep?”

“What's you looking at, Nathans?” Toki craned over Nathan's shoulder. “Since when cans you read Swedish?”

“I. . .can't. I'm looking at the pictures. But you could translate it, right? It's all the same bullshit, this and Norwegian.”

“I maybes picked up enough overs the year. Whats is I readings?” Shying away from the media and making himself scarce at Mordhaus limited Toki's awareness of what happened at large in the world. Five women with appearances similar to each of Dethklok looked back at him. This had to do with the first meeting Toki partook in via satellite, wherein due to their sudden hiatus they lifted again the ban on tribute bands. No approval necessary in order to perform created a confusing mess of the music scene; every single rehash and cover possible of each their songs at various levels of talent exploded into existence. From the chaos, only a handful of groups achieved any measurable amount of attention. Ladyklok was one of them.

“Hey!” Toki's eyes widened as he studied the grainy pictures. “I recognizes a few of these ladies!”

Nathan grunted. “The vocalist, yeah.”

“I knockeds that lady out, on tops of Mordhaus! That German whore!” Shushes from Pickles and Murderface went ignored, and the conversation in the booth beside them quietened with his vulgar proclamation. “Ands this is Pharron! I dateds her a few times, about five or six years ago. Tooks her to the American Superstar Awards.”

“Which one's thet?”

“On leads guitar—oh, shuts up, alls of you.” Murderface and Pickles snorted, while Nathan adopted a wide grin.

“Gaht a thing fer blond guitarists, huh?”

“I didn'ts even know she was in Ladyklok, Pickle. And she wasn'ts when we dated. Didn'ts mention it, anyway.” Toki rolled his eyes. “Dids you want me to reads the article, or woulds you rather makes fun of me?”

Nathan returned to seriousness, while Murderface and Pickles alternated punching the other in the arm. “Please read it.”

“You rights about the stage names, Nathans,” Toki told him. “The headlines is that Ladyklok drop their Dethklok monickers and haves begun using their real names instead. There isn'ts much of an article, but more is a profiles on each of them. Says where they from, stuffs like that. Also how the band was formed, and why they decideds to move away from associating with us when they're supposed to be a tributes.”

“Why'd they do it?” Nathan preferred to look at Toki out of the corner of his eye, head bowed so that a piece of hair fell into his face.

“Says here thats the fans at their shows asked them to play their original stuffs. They haven'ts always been a tribute band. Befores the ban was lifted, they were calleds Freya.”

Murderface scoffed, sending a spray of spittle over his plate. “What the hell isch a Freya?”

“Freya's Odin's wife, ins Norse mythology.” Were Skwisgaar here, they'd have to listen to a much longer and spirited explanation. “But anyways, they wents back to their real names because they beens getting enough interest as themselves and they says it a goods move for their career.”

“They're a _tribute band._ The only reaschon they're getting any attention at all isch becausche they're playing off on _our_ schtuff!”

“See, that's what's fucking _me_ up,” Nathan put in. “They're letting this go to their heads. Women aren't capable of achieving the level of brutality they think they are. I bet their entire audience is a bunch of bra burners.”

“That isn'ts fair, Nathan. Since when can'ts women plays metal? There's plenties of good bands, what either gots ladies or are mades completely of them. Arch Enemy, Astarte—”

“Girlschool!” Pickles contributed. “Blondie, The Runawees—”

“—Arkonas, Withins Temptation, Nightswish, Epicas—”

“Okay, I get it, Toki. Shut up.”

“—Lacunas Coil, Tristania—”

“OKAY!” Nathan hushed half the restaurant, both of chatter and clinking cutlery. Clearing his throat, he shrunk down sheepishly. “Just keep reading the article. Please.”

Toki narrowed an eye in annoyance. How did Abigail stand this attitude? There posed another reason to dread when Nathan found out he'd knocked her up.

“Obviously womens _can_ makes metal and Ladysklok is gettings attention mores than because they plays our songs. Whats it matter if theys ladies or dudes? They's just a band. There isn'ts anything in this article where they puts the focus on themselves as women. They just makes metal because they likes to.” Trying to partition away the more stressful constituents of his life, Toki sighed and scanned the Swedish for anything the others might find of interest.

“Doesn't it annoy you at all that they're getting famous off something _we_ created? They're just using us as an avenue to get noticed by our fans. They're taking advantage of the fact that we can't do jack shit while Skwisgaar's in prison.” Nathan crossed his arms. “What do they think they're going to do, replace us?”

“Dood, there ain't nothin' like the original. When're ya gonna start listenin' to me?”

Toki didn't feel threatened by yet another metal band. New ones sprung up everyday, and how was Ladyklok—or Freya, however they preferred to be referenced as—any different? Intrigued though as to what became of the chilly woman he treated to dinner a few times, Toki parsed the segment next to her picture:

_Pharron Odegaard, 26, lead guitarist. Hails from Saint Cloud, Minnesota, USA. Co-founded Freya with Divina in 2010 in Tallahassee, Florida, USA, where both attended university. Began playing guitar at age six, when given a Gibson Explorer as a Christmas gift. States Skwisgaar Skwigelf as her largest influence, particularly in how seriously he treats the instrument._

She never mentioned any of that, when Toki saw her. He wasn't sure what to make of it—if they shared something so significant in common, then why didn't she bring it up? Was she shy? Star-struck? Disappointed by how Toki's celebrity persona contrasted the guy awkwardly bumbling his way through a conversation? For something so momentary, Toki still cringed at the possibility. He'd never been good with girls.

“I don'ts remember that German lady being their singer whens we needed to approves them,” Toki commented. He went unheard as Nathan and Pickles rehashed a done-to-death argument, judging by Murderface's unfocused gaze. Toki read her paragraph next:

_Lavona Succuboso, 29, vocalist. Originally from Nürnberg, Bavaria, Germany. Joined Freya in September 2015, replacing Diny Zegher shortly after the tribute band ban was lifted. Pursued an audio engineering degree in Berlin prior to, although took a break following a Dethklok concert in Munich to become a full-time fan. Completed studies upon return. Has worked with various bands throughout Europe since._

Seeing as Nathan's interest waned, Toki folded the paper back up and set it at the centre of the table. He didn't come down here to act as translator, although his bandmates descending into a ridiculous squabble was refreshing. He missed when he and Skwisgaar could do the same. Heavy-hearted or not as Toki was, Skwisgaar's quiet energy balanced them all out. Perhaps if Toki didn't remove himself to Norway, he would've grown accustomed to the band's altered dynamic.

“So whats you guys been ups to, anyway?” Toki asked when Pickles and Nathan reached temporary armistice. “Just partyings?”

“Guess so. Not much else to do while we wait for the verdict, other than go crazy.” Nathan shrugged. “If you finish your testimony this afternoon, you gonna come out with us?”

“Oh. . .I's not sure. My mom gots here last night, and I'll probablies be ready to crash pretty earlies.”

“Dood, jest take a nap first. We prahbly won't be ready to go until around nine or ten,” Pickles suggested. “Naht like we don' gaht another week to go anyway, 'til this crap is over.”

“Actuallies, I's going back to Norway tomorrow, ifs I finish up today. No point stickings around.”

A beat of silence hampered the table, in which brows furrowed and arms crossed.

“Toki, ya can't stay mad forever. Besides, Skwisgare ain't even gonna be there fer a while. It's safe to come home.”

“It's got nothings to do with him. I's just nots ready. I needs more time.”

“You're at least practicing your guitar, right?” Nathan asked. “No matter how long that dildo's going away for, I want us in prime condition whenever he gets out. We're going to lose a lot of ground through all this bullshit.”

“I hasn'ts even _looked_ at my guitar in at least a month. And don'ts pretend like you beens doing any different!” Toki added as Nathan opened his mouth to respond.

“Actually, I'd have you know that Pickles and I have been doing as much writing as possible. It's not exactly easy without Skwisgaar, but we're sort of managing. Charles says that as soon as the trial's over, we should be able to talk to him, so we'll get going again after that.”

“You all wants to include Toki, but how come he doesn't knows any of what's going on?” Toki frowned. “Whats exactly is the plan? I don'ts think Skwisgaar is gettings out for a long time. How's we goings to record when he stucks in Sweden? We can'ts just ask the warden or whoevers if we cans borrow him to takes to the bottom of the ocean.”

“Can't we? He's _Skwisgaar Skwigelf_. Yeah, maybe he fucked up majorly, but why should the world go to shit just because?”

“Maybes it won't,” Toki argued for the sake of it. With no lead guitarist to oppose, he needed a new target to work out his pent-up annoyance on. He tried with his mother, but she immediately squashed that. Playing on Nathan's fear, Toki indicated the newspaper. “Maybes we disposable.”

“Don't be stupid, Toki.” Nathan's lip rose on a snarl. “We're _Dethklok_. There _is_ no replacing us.”

“Can'ts remember the last time someone else gots talked about this much—”

“Okay, cut the shit out _now_. If you're going to act like this, then it's probably a good thing that you're not coming back to Mordhaus with us. Goddamn it, you can be such a little shit sometimes.”

“Betters watch what you says, it might come true,” Toki coolly replied. “And then whats would you do, with _no_ guitarists? Mights need to go suck some lady dicks, to poach Pharron and—” he consulted the paper for a name, “—Katrine from Ladyklok.”

Toki didn't elaborate, but plenty of nights he stared at the bedroom ceiling at his mother's house and heavily considered quitting. With or without Skwisgaar, Toki grew _tired_ , this last year. His mental health suffered thanks to all the added stress, and the only time he felt right anymore was when hard physical labour dripped sweat off his nose. However frequently Dethklok lamented their life at the top, they still revelled in the comfort of untouchability. Maybe, like how they wiped out their predecessors, the same would one day happen to them. Taking this break and finding relief in it left Toki with no panicked feelings regarding that inevitability. They had their time in the spotlight and, frankly, stepping down before they had the chance to crash and burn appealed greatly.

“Whatever. Just get ready for anything,” Nathan cut the argument short. “Lose the bitchiness, before Ladyklok starts trying to poach _you_.”

“I woulds play with them, if they did. Is this all you wanteds to see Toki for, because I cans go back upstairs where there aren'ts any assholes.”

“Toki, jest come sit by me. Nate'n don' mean whet he's sayin'. There's a laht of pressure on us.” Pickles shot Nathan a glare.

“Yeah, and we're fucking tired. That wasch a long night.” Murderface yawned widely. “Betscha anything we're _juscht_ going to get usched to the time zone differensche, and then it'll be time to go home.”

“I don'ts appreciate your excuses. You aren'ts making it very appealing to goes back to Mordhaus, for all the askings you do.” Toki backed off toward the exit. “I sees you all later, maybe.”

He'd just leaned against the back of the elevator and let out a sigh when a banded wrist held the closing doors at bay. “Dood, don' run off like thet.”

“Whats is I _supposed_ to do? It don'ts take Toki much to realize when he isn'ts wanted somewhere.”

“We all want ya there, Toki. You dunno how weird it's been.” Pickles mirrored his crossed arms. “Everything's bin screwed up, since last spring. Ferst you guys disappear without a trace, then you won't tell us whet the feck happened, and then yer jest gone again. It's like everything's slippin' away, between our fingers. We don' gaht our guitarists anymore, and all of a sudden there's this other band gettin' big. It wouldn' be so bad if it _were_ jest a 'because-we're-naht' deal, but I gahtta admit. They're good. Like _rilly_ good. So it's weird, fer all this to happen in jest the last nine months.”

“What's the point in you tellings me this?”

“We ain't tryin' to make excuses. There's a lot of shit goin' on, 'n' Nate's a little bitter thet you've decided to feck off through it all. I know, I know—” Pickles put his hand up when Toki started indignantly, “—you gaht shit ya need to do, 'n' maybe ya _do_ need a break. But you gahtta see it from our perspective too. It ain't easy wid jest three of us. If there's four of us breathin' free air, we should be together. We need some form of solidarity.”

“Is hard to be solids when he's a dick.”

“'N' I'm gonna tell him to knock thet off, because guarantee now he's gonna sulk fer two days thinkin' he might've blown his chance at gettin' you to come home wid us.”

“I don'ts know _what_ to do, Pickle.” They stepped out together when the elevator reached his floor. “I's in the middle of a bigs project, so I's not comings back yet. Isn'ts like I can stays away forever, but I has a lots to figure out before I do. When Skwisgaar gets out of prison, I don'ts want things to be weird. If Dethklok is still a thing that fars down the road, then we shouldn'ts have a whole bunch of bullshits to wade through in orders to make music together.”

“Ya still ain' over him, 'r. . .?”

“Workings on it.” Toki ignored how awkward Pickles grew. “Shouldn'ts take much longer. Is more for myselfs that I need time. Skwisgaar isn'ts my problem, he's just a symptom. I needs to figure out why I evers thought that was a goods idea, and I thinks by doing that I woulds figure out what's wrong with _me_. Then I cans be happy, and I can starts thinking about music again.

“But thanks you for asking,” Toki stated at his door. “Go get some sleeps, Pickle. Evens if I goings back to Norway tomorrow, I wouldn'ts mind goings out with you all. You knows, if Nathan decide to quits being a prick. I haves missed you too. Maybes we all fuckeds up right now, but we stills family. And family gets shit-faced together.” 


	25. Exit Strategy

Excitement to see the other guys made Toki forget his promise to touch base with his mother. He'd nearly drifted off when the notion touched his brain. Giving up on sleep, he tapped out a hasty text message. She called rather than respond in kind.

“Are you too tired for a late morning tea, or should I let you nap?”

“No. . .I think I should stay awake.” Toki rubbed his brow. “Which number are you in?”

As predicted, his mother's room was immaculate. She led him over to her table, where a book laid pages-down. Its cover consisted of a Zeppelin and font indicative of some trashy action/adventure tale. Toki possibly recalled buying it for her early-December, when he brought home a pile from the bookstore.

“You look less stressed out than last night,” she commented. “Is it going all right?”

“Meh. It's fine. I think I'm nearly done.” It depended on how long it took to relay his and Skwisgaar's troubles between Las Vegas and Nuevo Laredo. “I'm ready to get back to work on the house.”

“We got dusted with snow on Saturday night, so I shovelled where it got in. There will probably be more to get rid of.”

“Honestly, the more, the better.” Toki paused. “Hey, Mor?”

“Ja, my little son.”

“What would you think, if I stayed in Norway? Quit the band and came home for good?”

Anja furrowed her brow, hands folded in her lap. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Little while. Just never bothered to mention, since it didn't seem possible until recently.”

“What changed?”

“I don't know. I'm happier in Norway, and then seeing the guys again—Skwisgaar too—has leveraged my decision. I've had a lot of time to weigh all the pros and cons. Would you play devil's advocate, for me?”

“To as much an extent as possible, ja.”

“So first of all then, it's a matter of weariness. I'm not sure, after everything that's happened to me between getting picked for rhythm guitar and the last time I saw Mordhaus, that I have the energy for this anymore. The band part itself is overwhelming. I can't deny that your house has been peaceful. I forgot what that felt like.”

“You're used to a certain pace. Dethklok has literally been half of your life. Do you think you could adjust to such a drastically different lifestyle?”

“Haven't I already? I went from living without electricity or running water to standing at the forefront of the world's biggest musical act. If I could adjust to that, I could go the other way too. Maybe I went too hard, for too long. Maybe I burned myself out.”

“You might feel differently, after taking some time off. The trial is stressing you out, since so much is up in the air.”

“It's not like me and Skwisgaar took off, and then after everything that happened I got depressed and am having a difficult time imagining Dethklok without him. Perhaps that's part of it, but there's so much more. I was tired _before_ that. I was drinking too much every night, waking up with a sore liver, and desperate for something new even if I didn't realize it. A change of pace isn't exactly possible, there. That's why I wound up staying, when I came to Norway to visit. I finally found something that hushed all the anxiety and bad thoughts constantly buzzing about in my head. I remembered what sanity feels like.”

“You're ambitious, though. What are you going to do, once you're finished building my new home? Are you going to be content to tinker about in the yard, dedicate your days to chores, and essentially retire at thirty-two years old?”

“I still have other things I can do. I'll always want to make music, and now that we've got power lines running out that way, I can dedicate myself to my side projects. Dethklok is so all-consuming. . .if you're in, that's it. It's why we've all lost perspective, it's why none of us see anything else through. Possibly Murderface is just too lazy to give his side-band a legitimate go, but however much or little we contribute, it's exhausted _all_ of us.

“Besides, I'm starting to see something noble in simplicity. I used to hate it, but I can't deny how happy it's made me lately. I'm better off, when I turn my face away from the world. I don't have to hear all the negative things people say about me, I don't have to worry that missing a deadline could destroy the economy, and best of all I could take charge of my own destiny again.”

“Wouldn't you miss your friends? If you quit the band, would they still keep ties with you?”

“Probably not, and in that case, they're not my real friends anyway. They're more family, and we never had a choice to become that. We have a lot of history, but without blood, what does that matter? They've let me down so many times. I should've done the smart thing and quit when they left me and Abigail to rot with Magnus. I was so fucked up from living at someone else's whim that when they told me they were sorry, I believed it. When they said they looked for us, ja, I ate that up too. When they asked me to stay, I didn't have the energy to fight.

“They've all individually apologized for what went wrong, and I believe they actually felt that. But just like a bad marriage, where do I draw the line? Is how much they hurt me acceptable, so long as I get a sorry afterward? How many times am I going to let them do this? When did I let my self-respect slip so far? Why is their band and their feelings more important than my well-being?”

“Dethklok is your band, too.”

“Is it? I'm only along for the ride. I can't remember the last time they ever let me actually contribute. I live at their house, I eat their food, Skwisgaar tells me what to do, and then I make sure they sound good on stage. If I couldn't play the guitar, they would want nothing to do with me.”

“The very nature of your common ground being a band is that your talent brought you all together. It holds you there.”

“But at least they've all managed to become friends. I'm constantly left out. They don't care if I come party with them, and I always feel like I'm intruding if there's three or more of us palling around. It's like they're all speaking a different language. Maybe it's inside jokes. Maybe _I'm_ the joke.

“I realized that, when Skwisgaar got arrested. Not like things would ever go back to normal if he came home, but when things were good between him and I, I finally felt like I'd connected with somebody. We understood each other, even if we didn't always get along. When we lost him, that disappeared as well as my buffer against the other guys. Nathan's meaner, because he thinks that's what motivates me to work. Pickles and Murderface are okay, but they don't handle sadness very well. It's fine if I'm angry, because they can relate to that. They're comfortable with anger. But sadness is a whole other story, and it's been my mainstay longer than they like. I feel sometimes that they intentionally piss me off just so that they can spare themselves from it. Maybe they think they're helping, who knows? But they're not.”

A knock at the door interrupted their discussion; it slipped Toki's mind, that they expected tea. He accepted his cup gratefully, managing a smile beneath his dark cloud. “See, this is what I enjoy. I've definitely felt better since I started drinking this instead of booze. Friday night was more than enough of a reminder, ugh. I need some routine in my life. I can't keep waking up at four in the afternoon and messing around all day until it's time to go to bed again.”

Anja sipped her portion. “Do you still need me to play devil's advocate?”

“Did you have something to say?”

“It's incredibly hard to hear how miserable you've been.”

“I shouldn't skew it as that everything has sucked. Ja, those guys have done a lot to hurt me, but we've had fun too. I don't think there's a single tour I'd ever forget, and my God, those first few years.” Toki's breath stilted as the ghost of his youth's euphoria shot through him like a volley of arrows. “I could've never asked for more. It's just that now, I've reached this crossroads. Do I hold onto the highlights and keep going? Or do I acknowledge that things change—people change—and it's time to move on to something else? There are hard feelings already, but if I get out before it's _really_ bad, then maybe I could salvage some sort of friendship with them. If they would even want to. . .I'm not stupid, I know they'll hate me for quitting.”

“I don't want to tell you what to do or think,” Anja carefully stated. “You're a grown man, and fully capable of making this decision on your own. I want you to be happy though, and—I don't need to say this, apparently—you should consider your next move very carefully. My advice would be to wait. It's not a do-or-die decision. With Skwisgaar about to go to prison, you have time in the band's hiatus for your mindset to change. It's worrisome how the other boys treat you, but if you could maintain a professional relationship for the sake of the band—should you wish to continue with Dethklok—wouldn't you be glad you gave it more thought?”

“The idea of going back to Mordhaus is so unappealing right now. I can't even consider it. I don't miss it, and my stomach drops whenever I get a text from the other guys. Sometimes I wish they would just leave me alone for good. It can't be a good sign when, after six months of not seeing them, I'm still not really all that keen. It was exciting at first, on Friday, but now it's just. . .blah.”

“You're right; it's not a good sign.”

“Is anybody destined to do one single thing for their entire life, Mor? It's been sixteen years since I joined the band. Even if it'd been a cakewalk, isn't it about time I did something else?”

“I can't make your mind up for you, my little son.”

“Maybe not. . .but it sure helps to talk about it. I don't feel so bad about quitting, if it doesn't make me a quitter.” Toki smiled tightly. “If I was going to quit when times got hard, I would've been out of the band ten times, already.”

“You've stuck it out a remarkably long while. I don't believe, after everything you've been through and the amount of thought you'll put toward this, that you should feel bad about whatever you eventually decide. You're obviously informed, conscious, and thorough. For that, whatever conclusion you reach, your friends will respect it if they indeed deserve such a title.”

They probably wouldn't respect it, but when considering he could make peace with that, an enormous weight lifted off Toki's shoulders. History meant nothing, if it only represented the projectile careening them toward a crash-landing. Dethklok would eventually end, whether by their own volition or inevitable mortality, so when Toki reflected on this period of life, he wanted good memories at the forefront, rather than bitterness. He wasn't afraid of a band-less future; the various instruments in his bedroom in Norway facilitated legitimate self-expression, and every night when his head hit the pillow he felt satisfaction in both exercised muscles and mind. After becoming acquainted with fulfillment, could he really settle again for less? There were better people in the world to befriend, and sure, maybe if he chose to share his own music it wouldn't garner a fraction of attention Dethklok did, but it'd be his and he'd be proud of it.

“I'm sorry I didn't have anything more interesting to say, Mor. It's not long now, until I need to go back.” Toki checked his phone for the time. “Thank you for the tea, though. It cleared my mind up.”

“I told you, it's one of the best things for your health.” Anja pat his hand. “It's useless without someone to share with, though.”

When Toki left the hotel again in the limousine, he looked at Stockholm a little differently. It wasn't his own city, but aided his continued rumination. He could so easily call Scandinavia home, again. The prospect of surrendering dual citizenship with the United States incited a flame of excitement. He could stand to never sit through another transatlantic flight. He never truly relinquished Norway and its culture, however determined, so its hooks still tenderly embraced his aching soul. What if Norwegian became his most-spoken language again? What if he gave up social media and concentrated solely on the here and now of his and his mother's plot of land east of Lillehammer? What if he found someone to spend the rest of his life with, that didn't mind a slightly crooked path to parenthood?

What if, like when Skwisgaar granted his audition for Dethklok with admittance, he experienced again the feeling of coming home?

A good mood and basic disinterest when he, Skwisgaar, and Charles resumed their positions within the courtroom begged the question of whether or not Toki sank into dissociation. He felt present in his body though, and happy for that. Reasserting control over himself did the grandest of wonders. Maybe recounting the final roller coaster Skwisgaar took him on hedged him over the past two days, but he'd be okay at the end of it all. There was life after Skwisgaar just as much as after Dethklok, or after suffering at Magnus or his father's hands. No amount of whip marks, humiliation, starvation, or broken hearts could kill him. He was Toki Wartooth, and he was bigger than _all_ these assholes.

“Good afternoon, Toki. Welcome back.”

“Thanks you.” Toki's feet fidgeted restlessly under his chair. “Where woulds you like me to begin?”

“Ah, we left off in Portland, after you and the defendant reached an agreement toward commencing a romantic relationship.”

“Okay.” Toki nodded. “Was a goods day, and a betters evening. I mades love to that man, wowie. And he was so presents, too. I thoughts I'd died and gones to Heaven, or something.”

“And what about in the morning?”

“Our fuck ups finally caughts up to us. While he was in the shower I turned the news on, just to sees if maybes you puts the word out to finds us yet. We was on there, all rights. . .but nots like that.” 


	26. Discovery

Toki couldn't believe his luck the next morning in Portland, when he woke up. He and Skwisgaar shared a queen-sized bed just as they had the past few nights, but something vastly differed. When he curled up against Skwisgaar's back, he cuddled his _boyfriend_. He kissed his _boyfriend's_ shoulder, and groped his _boyfriend's_ ass.

“Turns around,” he whispered when a yawn indicated Skwisgaar's consciousness.

“Mm.” Skwisgaar put a hand over his mouth when Toki leaned in. “Lets me brush my teeth forst. You woulds regret dis.”

“No.” Toki's arm tightened on his waist. “Just keeps your lips closed, if you worrieds about it.”

“What ams de fun in dat?”

He was right; while pecks tided Toki over as the majority of their affections carried out through their fingertips, the want for more led to a final squeeze of Skwisgaar's backside. “Guess we mights as well get readies to go. How far dids you want to goes, today?”

“We cans looks at de map, when we hits de road.” Skwisgaar spoke softly in attempt to spare Toki his morning breath. It didn't work, but Toki loved him all the more for it. “Eugene ams de next city I cans remember seeing on dere, but I woulds be content to gets closer to de California border, if nots over it.”

“Is a reasonables goal.” Toki followed him into the bathroom, starting up the shower while Skwisgaar occupied the mirror. Halfway through lathering his head, the curtain rustled. A pale leg came next. “Mights not be enoughs room in here for two.”

“We makes it work.”

Skwisgaar tasted of mint this time, curtailing Toki's attempt to wash his hair. He'd always assumed that pressing against another body in some form of water was wildly overrated, but Toki enjoyed the other man's slippery skin. Humidity frizzed Skwisgaar's hair wherever the stream didn't manage to wet. The smell of him somewhere between last night's sweat and cleanliness clogged Toki's senses; only when the water running down his face stung his eye and caused Skwisgaar to groan in disgust did a drawback manifest.

“Ugh, motel shampoos.” Skwisgaar hocked a loogie.

“Ew!”

“Lightens up, ams just spit. Half of it ams probablies yours.”

Toki still tried to monitor it in dim light as it floated toward the drain. “Maybes let me finish, then you can have the shower?”

“Ja, shore.” Rather than exit, Skwisgaar pushed the curtain open at the end and perched on the tub's edge. “No points dryings off just to gets wet again.”

“Whatsever, you just likes to watch.”

“I cans get out, if you don'ts like it.”

“Is okay, buts you not allowed to look when I cleanings my ass.”

“ _Pff!_ Afters all de time you spends in _mine?_ I don'ts t'ink dat ams fair.”

Skwisgaar stood again; Toki mechanically continued rinsing his hair as the man took up the soap. “Whats you doing?”

“Helping.”

Toki accepted the lips on his neck, but he tensed when hands crept down his crack. “Whoa, whoa. . .”

“What ams de big deal?” Skwisgaar halted where tensed muscles held him at bay. “You saids last night dat I coulds do anyt'ing to you dat I wanteds.”

“You stills gots to ask if is okay first!”

“Why won'ts you let me touch you dere, ah? Ams it a stretch to assumes dat no ones but you has?” Skwisgaar kissed his ear. “Lightens up. It amn'ts dat big a deal.”

Still unsure, Toki relented. Focusing on that blinded his senses to any of the other points where he and Skwisgaar pressed. He gripped the other man's waist as anxiety flowered in his chest; his facial muscles contorted when unfamiliar fingers grazed the nerves there.

“Holies, why you so tense?” Skwisgaar chuckled. “Seriouslies, it amn'ts a big deal!”

“Ins the shower, though? Why nots after?”

“Why nots during?”

Toki stammered. “Isn'ts it a good idea to make sures is totally clean, though?”

“Whats it matter? You ams now.” Skwisgaar angled him so that the water stream would wash through. “See? Who cares, ah?”

“Why don'ts _you?_ ”

“Because I don'ts. Seriously Toki, whens we deal as much as we does wit' assholes, you quicklies learn nots to. You t'ink I hasn'ts been metacarpals deep in my own?” Larger lips touched Toki's for a chaste kiss. “And maybes I had an ulteriors motive. Torns around.”

“You nots going to fucks me just like _that!_ ”

“Holy fucks, Toki! I knows way better dan to just springs it on you. Haven'ts you evers had you tail licked? Ah, who ams I kiddings, if you wouldn'ts even let me _touch_ it. . .”

“I reallies not sure about this. I means—okay, I admits I curious, and I's done a bits by myself, but is different when someone else do it.”

“Just trust me.” Eyes heavily lidded, Skwisgaar skimmed his fingers over Toki's abs. “I won'ts poke not'ing in you. Tongue only.”

Toki's cock twitched. At the very least, he couldn't deny that Skwisgaar asking to eat his ass out was pretty hot. He wasn't completely convinced when he faced the wall; his fingers trembled minutely as he braced himself. Hands roamed his ass and thighs while lips concentrated steadily on his lower back. If Skwisgaar attempted to calm his nerves completely away, he probably wouldn't succeed. Just wanting to get to it, Toki bent forward.

His brow furrowed, one cheek pulling sideways. It didn't feel much different than impersonal fingers laden with soap at first, but that changed as a pattern established itself and he marked the relative softness of a tongue toying with his hole. As Skwisgaar moved, Toki registered his nose press this way and that. Toki's diaphragm yanking downward in search for oxygen couldn't compete with how quickly blood redirected for his core. To confirm what squirmy, delectable gratification warmed his body, Toki reached back to run his fingers through Skwisgaar's hair. Then, unable to hold off on gripping himself, he decided that the next time this happened would be when he took the chance to truly enjoy it.

“Not bad, ams it?” Skwisgaar asked when they stood eye level again. “See what happen, if you trust me?”

Toki couldn't manage much more than a dumb grin; he kissed along the other man's jaw while stroking him. “Whats you want me to do?”

A sore jaw on Toki's part left Skwisgaar with a cooling stream of water. Feeling lazy in wake of orgasm, Toki ambled out of the bathroom with his toothbrush hanging from his mouth. He turned the television on as he passed, out of habit. Some children's program played, which he half-watched while organizing himself. With a pair of board shorts replacing his towel, he dropped onto the end of his bed and channel surfed for the news. He knew he'd found it when a familiar cul-de-sac crawling with cops appeared on-screen.

“ _. . .Grizzly scene sixteen miles south of Laurel, Montana this morning, as a local resident discovered the body of a man apparently bludgeoned to death. . .”_

Toki expected this to happen, so the resultant sting of shock receded quickly enough. However, away from the incident and with clearer mind he realized just how horribly he'd screwed up. Assuming the worst since he couldn't exactly call his lawyer up to ask, Toki turned the television off and ran his hands down over his face. At the time, it made sense to leave Ludwig's smashed skull covered. At a distance though, all he saw was Skwisgaar's shirt. . .the shirt a full-on meth sweat saturated with his DNA.

Trying to play cool, Toki finished dressing and reentered the bathroom. He rocked back and forth on his toes as he stalled. “Hey, Skwis?”

“Ja?”

“They found Ludwig.”

The water stream steadied, then the curtain opened far enough for Skwisgaar to poke his head out. “Dey dids?”

Toki nodded. “Just thoughts I would lets you know.”

“You ams wanting to hits de road, den?” Skwisgaar studied him. “You ams pretty pale. Norvous?”

“Ja. Um. . .I's going to start puttings things in the car. What dids you need?”

“Just leaves my duffel. Everyt'ing else am goods, though.”

How did Toki fuck up so badly? He thought they got everything! Goddamn it, if only he could keep his fucking head on, for just that little bit more. _Fuck!_ How did he break this to Skwisgaar? Did it matter? From all the police shows that Murderface watched, they always needed to _match_ DNA in order to make an arrest, right? It helped that databases were disjointed by state lines, not to mention a bottomless pit each on their own. Still, when Skwisgaar dropped into the passenger seat after handing in the room key, Toki fervently chewed his fingernails. He didn't feel any less sick than when it actually happened.

Skwisgaar let Toki get them comfortable on the I-5 before speaking. “Shoulds be okay. I means, whatevers little bit we missed—t'ings like stray hairs—woulds has been washed into de mud by dat rain.”

“Your shirt,” Toki blurted. Skwisgaar could turn the radio on any moment, and what if they mentioned it? He couldn't feign ignorance. “I-I'm sorry, Skwis. I didn't grab it when we left. I knew I'd throw up if I saws what I'd done, and that was all that was on my mind. But it's okay, because they can'ts do anything unless they gots you to match it, so. . .”

Just as Toki feared, Skwisgaar stayed quiet. He kept going, “You nevers been arrested in Montana before, right? So they wouldn'ts have you on file?”

Fuck! Was that why the older man stayed so quiet?

“Froms all de dumb shit we does,” Skwisgaar finally said; his icy tone sent a shiver down Toki's spine, “what ams de chance dat we ams near de top of de national list for gettings pinged? Espeskly when Charles am lookings for us?”

“I—I don'ts think it work like that.”

Skwisgaar had nothing else to say about it, sending Toki reeling into anxiety until they neared Eugene. With a deep, heavy sigh, Skwisgaar allowed time to return to its normal passing rate. “I guess even if dat happen, what am de worst case scenario? Has beens nearly a week since you killeds him. Charles woulds clean it up, and he wouldn'ts be any closer to figurings out where we am.”

“I'm so, so sorry, elskling. I wish it was my shirt, just so thats we could be sure if anything bad _does_ happen, that it's _me_ who get in trouble. I wouldn'ts be able to lives with myself if I somehows framed you—”

“Just shuts up about it, okay? It ams what it am. We amn'ts going to go to jails, or anyt'ing. Charles would never allows dat.” Skwisgaar popped the glove box in order to retrieve a map. “So let's just deals wit' it, insteads of worry about who am sorry.”

Unsure if Skwisgaar actually let him off the hook—not that Toki let _himself_ off, yet—Toki followed his instruction. “Whats you thinking now, for how fars we should go?”

“De town I was t'inking about forst was Klamath Falls. Am stills in Oregon, maybes about six hour away. Supposed to be a nice drive, probablies de last one we goings to have untils we out of de desort.” Skwisgaar traced his finger further south, in the corner of Toki's eye. “But I t'inks dat we starteds early enough today dat we coulds do anot'er sprint. Compareds to how we starteds dis road trip, we beens pretty lazy in de last three or four day.”

“We coulds do that.” Even if Toki really didn't feel like sitting in a car so long, he'd go along with anything Skwisgaar wanted.

“Den lets put Oregon _and_ Californias in our dust,” Skwisgaar suggested. “We coulds get to Reno. Ams maybe about ten, eleven hour away?”

“Okay.”

If not so ridden with guilt, Toki would enjoy the last trees they'd see much more. When they stopped in the tiny community of Chemult, he leapt out along with Skwisgaar when the man pursued a new pack of cigarettes. Feigning stretching his legs, he paced while the car filled up. Skwisgaar lit up at a distance.

“I know you don'ts want to hear it again, but I feel so bads,” Toki stated when they assumed switched seats. “I can'ts believe I fuckeds that up. Nots that it wasn't a fuckeds up situation to begins. Goddamn it though, I don'ts want to gets you into trouble.”

Skwisgaar leaning over habitually turned Toki's head in his direction, but he barely puckered up before the kiss ended. He rubbed his hands nervously as dark blue eyes studied him. “We just looks at it like we ams fugitive. Adds it to de fun?”

“We _alreadies_ fugitives,” Toki reminded him of the murder that jumpstarted their journey.

“Hm. Wells. . .dey didn'ts find her yet, far as we know.” Skwisgaar put the car in gear. “But whatevers. I know you wouldn'ts try to frames me for not'ing. And I can't says I woulds has peeled de short off he face, if I were walkings in your shoe dat night. It ams my fault, too—I didn'ts have to hand you _dat_ short. I coulds has given you one neit'ers of us had worns yet.”

“Don'ts blame yourself, elskling.”

“I amn'ts. It just go to show dat we was boths fucked up. Really, we ams lucky dat we didn't screws up more dan dat.” They got back onto the highway. “But let's make a pact rights now: we amn'ts going to breaks anymore law. No more killings, no stealings—nots even speeding. We needs to stay invisdible to de police.”

“Believes me, I nots going to do _anything_ bad.” Toki touched his hand. “I don'ts really understand why, but thanks you for stayings calm. Maybes it'll hits you later, that you shoulds be mad. If it do, I'll lets you get it out of your system.”

“Don'ts count on it. A littles empat'y go a longs way. I t'inks I gave you enough yellings and cold shoulder when it all happen, so whatsever. Gettings mad at you amn'ts going to fix anyt'ing, and it wouldn'ts make me feels better.”

“If you decide it do though, the floor is yours.”

“For nows, can we nots talk about it?” Skwisgaar requested. “Anyt'ing but. At least untils we get to California. Dat feels far enough away from dat stupids place. Do you t'ink it would evens be on de news, all de way over here?”

“Was in Portland, but I don'ts know. I think California maybe gots too much of it own news to cover. Who cares about some stupids asshole found dead up in Montana. Rights?” 


	27. Clean Slate

Tulelake, the first place they hit when crossing into California, had a strange mix of life and death. Grass grew either in bundles or bushes, and healthy trees stood tall beside decrepit counterparts. Toki monitored the scene's creeping lapse with lunch in his lap, but not all too willing to eat. Every few moments, a french fry passed Skwisgaar's lips.

Was he mad yet? The initial relief to not earn reprimand turned into torture for Toki. At least, if Skwisgaar chewed him out, he knew where they stood. In event that they failed to fight, did all communication cease? After getting used to reading his body language for fifteen years, Toki thought he had Skwisgaar figured out. What did _this_ mean, though? Where did it fall on his emotional scale?

“How ams you doing?” Skwisgaar broke the silence.

“How's _I_ doing? Whats about _you?_ You hasn't saids a word since Klamath Falls.” Toki gestured toward him. “I don'ts understand what's going on here. You gots to be pissed, but you aren'ts telling me. If you's too mad to tells me all the way I screweds up, then you cans just punch me howevers many times you needs to.”

His outburst left the vehicle quiet again. Toki saw confusion in the older man, but it didn't fit. He fucked up, so he deserved punishment. Skwisgaar ought to leave him on the roadside to fend for himself. How many people accidentally set their boyfriends up for murder? Who fucked up _that_ badly?

“I don'ts want to punch you,” Skwisgaar responded. “Why woulds you suggest dat? Why ams you freaking out, anyway? I tolds you, ams fine.”

“No, it isn'ts. Why you so calm about it? You shoulds hate my guts, you shoulds. . .I don'ts know, turns me in or breaks up with me. Just tells me that you're disappointed. _Something_ ,” Toki begged.

“Maybes I nots thrilled dat dis ams hanging over our heads again, but I don'ts blame you. I gots everyt'ing out dat I neededs to say, when it forst happen. We dealts wit' it, so lets it go.”

“But whats about your shirt? I always fucks up, Skwis. Tells me that.”

“If dis had de chance to puts me in prison for somet'ing I didn'ts do, den ja, I woulds be ready to does to you what you dids to him. But de way I see it, either dey gots a cold case, or else Charles am goings to clean it up.”

That went in one ear and out the other. “Just tells me I fuckeds up. Please. You don'ts even have to mean it. Just says it.”

“Fine, if it make you feels better. You screweds up.”

Toki sighed with minute relief. “Thanks you.”

Skwisgaar sat still while Toki rested his forehead against the window. Toki felt his gaze. “Why you t'ink you need to be tolds off for dat? Does you t'ink I ams lying?”

“I don'ts get why you aren'ts mad. Does you still think I's going to hurt you? So you plays it cool?”

“No. Ams you asking dat because you actually t'ink I don'ts trust you?”

Toki shook his head.

“So why ams you acting like you needs punishment for everyt'ing, ah? You ams freaking out because we amn'ts having a fight. Why?”

“Because once you gets mad, we works it out and then it's gone. I don'ts want this hanging overs us for the rest of the trip. I needs to know for sure that you aren'ts pissed, and there isn'ts no resolution when you just. . .lets it go.”

“How abouts dis insteads, den? I forgives you.”

Brow furrowed, Toki sat back straight. When did Skwisgaar ever forgive _anyone_ , without getting the final word in first? “Whats you mean, exactly?”

“I acksnowledges you may haves done somet'ing dat hort me, but I amn'ts mad or resentfuls for it. I knows you didn'ts mean to. Dat night was reallies fucked up. I _coulds_ be mad at you, but I amn'ts. I just. . .amn'ts.” Skwisgaar pursed his lips as he further pondered it. “And it amn'ts a choice. I amn't seethings and just not sayings, to avoids a fight. Is differents dan just nots caring, too.”

More for something to do than for a phantom appetite, Toki ripped open a packet of ketchup to dribble over his fries. His entire life centred around people not too keen on such a concept. Even his father, whom he begged for forgiveness hundreds—possibly thousands—of times, never truly let anything go. One slip on Toki's part, and everything he'd ever committed wrong was fit for his whip's justification.

“I don'ts know if I can accepts that,” he said.

“Whether you do or not, am stills true. So evens if you can'ts accept my forgiveness, dat don't means you need to deals wit' dis anymore.”

“Is never over, Skwis. You'll brings it up another time when we fightings, or maybes you'll just wakes up in the middle of the night and there it'll be. If you woulds do me a favour, coulds you get it over with now? I don'ts want to sits around waiting. I hates it when thing seem good, and then they takes a bad turn.”

“If I goings to get mad about anyt'ing, ams dat you so convinced we gots to have a fight. Why can'ts you just let it go? Why you t'ink I savings up being angry for laters?”

“Nobody lets _anything_ go. Onlies Toki. When has you evers done it, before?”

“I let shits go all de time! Does you t'ink I would wants anyt'ing to do wit' you, if I didn'ts forgive your book deal? Or when you stoles all my endorsements? Or when you tooks de chance to becomes lead guitarist because I moveds back to Sweden?”

“How woulds I know? You never saids anything.”

“Exactly. Afters we settleds de fights, dids I ever brings it up again?”

“Nots until now. . .”

“And onlies to make a point,” Skwisgaar clarified before taking a sip of his soda. “If I didn'ts let it go, den I woulds get mads about dat craps all overs again. But I amn'ts, because it am in de past and dat am where it belongs. Same as dis. Underskand?”

Toki shrugged. “Is still hard to wraps my mind around.”

“Den I don'ts t'ink dis am abouts me. Why does _you_ feel so guilty?”

“Because I _am_. I always fucks up, and I don'ts get why you refuse to see that.”

“It amn'ts dat I don't sees it, Toki. You makes mistakes, just like everyone else. De difference am dat I forgives you. _You_ forgives people all the time, so it amn'ts like you don'ts get de concept. Why you t'ink you don'ts desorve it? Why you t'ink I needs to hold onto all de bad t'ings you did? Why you wants me to remind you abouts dem? Does you _want_ me to be de porson dat don'ts want anyt'ing to does wit' you, because I hold such a solids grudge?”

Head down, Toki shook it. “I don'ts want you to hates me.”

“Den what ams wit' dis attitude? You can'ts beat yourself up all de time. Why can'ts you move on?”

“Because it only comes back. Maybes not with you, I admits. But generally, it does. Nathans bring up old shit all the time. My father. . .” Toki swallowed with difficulty. “He wasn'ts as forgiving as he woulds otherwise claim.”

At least once a week, Aslaug would pull his son out of bed in order to revisit an old lesson. The collective conscience of every bad thing Toki ever committed had no choice but to remain as fresh as the most recent wounds he received. If he didn't hold onto them, his father would yank them back _for_ him. Toki discussed those instances openly with Twinkletits, but he hadn't made the connection before to the heavy blanket of guilt he lived his days under.

Skwisgaar ran his fingers through Toki's hair. “You can'ts hold everyone to dis standord. Off de top of my head, I don'ts even _know_ a grudge dat I gots against you. If I was goings to get mad about dis, it woulds has happen already. It woulds be a different story if you left de short dere on porpose, but I don'ts believe you did.”

“What abouts that it didn'ts even have to happen? I didn'ts have to kill Ludwig. Aren'ts you mad about _that?_ ”

“I already saids what I needed to. No, I amn'ts thrilled it happen or dat we needs to deal wit' it again, but dat don't mean I'm goings to be a pissbaby about it.”

Toki's denial waned that Skwisgaar merely hid his emotions, but he couldn't feel forgiveness for himself yet. Still, he leaned over to kiss the bare shoulder opposite. “Thanks you, I suppose. I don'ts know what I would do if I screweds up badly enough that you _couldn'ts_ forgive me. I finallies gots you, and I definitelies not prepared to lets you go.”

“We ams okay,” Skwisgaar asserted. “Dere ams no one dumpings no one. Does you accepts my forgiveness?”

“I wants to, ja. Not sure if I haves yet, or not.” Toki experienced no profound moment, although that rang similar when he and his mother forged a rough connection in wake of Aslaug's death. For the sake of his anxiety, he took it at a surface level. Still in the honeymoon phase surrounding his and Skwisgaar's relationship, Toki didn't want to fight about _anything_. The idea of returning to Mordhaus appealed, just so that they could get into a bed and stay there. In order to make up for that impossibility, Toki caught Skwisgaar by the hand in Adin, where they stopped for a bathroom break toward the late afternoon.

He meant to say everything, but came up with nothing. Instead, he held Skwisgaar's back against the car and rested his head on the man's shoulder. How could he ever sum up the raw regard circulating so madly through his chest? If he didn't already know he loved Skwisgaar, he sure would now. With fear of what they left behind in Montana fading, Toki sensed something shift drastically between them. After how many times each of them threw their hands in the air and huffed off, they'd finally reached a place where their words dressed wounds with antiseptic rather than gasoline. They were a _team_ , like any other regular couple.

Skwisgaar rubbed his shoulder. “Ams you ready to drive again?”

“Ja. Just nots yet.” The sun's heat beat against Toki's back and probably compromised the other man's even paler complexion, but he couldn't separate himself. “You haves no idea how much I loves you, rights now.”

“Oh?”

“I'ves never wanted anything more thans to get to a place where we. . .” Unable to describe it, Toki sighed. “Just likes this. Where we _don'ts_ fight, and is okay. I probablies didn't make it seem that way earlier, but is true. I don'ts love the drama, or anything. I don'ts crave it. I just likes to know that we's okay, so thanks you for being ables to tell me that a differents way. I likes it better than fighting. I don'ts feel so tired, after.”

“I t'inks dat today ams de day we wakes up and goes to sleep again laters wit'out anyt'ing bad happenings in between,” Skwisgaar speculated. “Ams good. Honestly, I thoughts I would be mad about de whole shirt thing, and maybes a part of me was for a bits out of habit, but it ams time dat we comes up wit' a new game plan. Dis amn't somet'ing we can treat like garbage, if we want it to work. And I ams telling you, I wouldn'ts come into dis if I didn'ts t'ink dat was possible.”

“Me neither.”

Toki's mind remained frazzled as they hit the road again. With so little by way of scenery and traffic, his gaze wandered chronically toward the passenger seat—doubly so when a lull in conversation resulted in soft snores. How could he _ever_ get so lucky? Part of Toki suspected he'd merely fallen asleep in Mordhaus' hot tub. Maybe he drowned, and this was his personal heaven. How else could he truly get what he wanted? Maybe he and Skwisgaar _weren't_ ever destined to return home. Maybe forever, they'd circle the country aimlessly. Charles on their back was merely an illusion.

Numerous pinches to each arm eased Toki's imagination as they emerged from the Modoc National Forest and hit the desert. The Nevada border and city limits of Reno were more-than-welcome sights. Exhausted, Toki couldn't give a shit about all the lights and nightlife, as cold put a chill down his spine. Even when he and Skwisgaar found a motel and tucked in together beneath the blankets, fatigue won out. Skwisgaar didn't seem to mind. Toki assumed that landing in a bed would result in something frantic, but there was something to be said for this degree of comfort with another person. They didn't _have_ to do that, for their reciprocated esteem to maintain traction. Toki could say enough by pulling Skwisgaar's hair off his shoulder, and the older man's nose pressing against his collar bone did the same.

“This is really happenings, isn't it?”

“You ams a good man, Toki. I considers myself lucky dat you woulds put up so long wit' a stupids puke like me.”

“Is worth it.”

“I hope so. Dis whole t'ing. . .it make me want to be better. I wants to be wort' de trouble I puts you through. I gots a lot to makes up for.”

“Ins my eye, has just beens part of the process of gettings here. I thinks we would be _really_ fuckeds up, if this journey happeneds any other way. It say a lot, when everything's out between us and we still capables of this. Is a pretties big confidence boost.”

“I couldn'ts agree more.”

Skwisgaar shifted in the darkness. The silhouette of his head neared, then a piece of his hair brushed Toki's cheek. In seeking the other out, Toki's nose bumped an angular cheekbone. Chuckled breath preceded warm lips against his own and with that, despite all the hours Toki just sat in the vehicle, he willed to stay awake just so that he wouldn't go a single moment without this person. 


	28. Reno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illustrated.

Confined within Reno's streets, Toki couldn't tell how deeply they situated in the southwestern deserts. Out the restaurant window where he and Skwisgaar sat for breakfast, it became evident as every person walking past revealed more skin. The natives differentiated from the tourists depending on how hard they fanned themselves.

“What time dids they say the car would be done?” Toki asked.

Skwisgaar stirred cream into his coffee, opposite. The longer they stayed on the road, the more Toki realized how much work Skwisgaar normally put into his appearance. His hair dried quickly due to the heat, leaving it frizzy and lanky. Toki found him that morning with an intense frown of concentration as he worked at a stubborn pimple in the valley beneath his cheekbone; even now, a couple hours later, it remained inflamed. Their abysmal diet did him no favours, although his tendency to pick when they ate spared his waistline. Toki, on the other hand, was used to a higher calorie intake to go along with his gym regimen. With the latter impossible as they travelled, he'd noticed to his horror that his abs began to disappear behind a manifested wall of fat. Starting that morning, he matched Skwisgaar on meal sizes. His deprived stomach already hated him.

“Abouts another hour, before dey evens going to look at it.” Skwisgaar's frustration with his hair led to a messy bun at the back of his head. His sunglasses held back most of the stray hairs, but he kept wiping absently at a couple that brushed his forehead. “Hopefullys will be done by de time we finish de clothes.”

Those sat in bags beneath the table. With little else to do except walk around in the heat, Toki had suggested they use laundry as an excuse to stay out of it. Skwisgaar already had a sunburn spreading down his right arm. It peeled badly enough to necessitate aloe vera.

“You readies to go?”

Less than a week passed since their last stint in a laundromat, so all their dirty clothes fit into two plastic bags. Toki carried them both so that his fingers could entwine with the other man's. His heart hummed, to contrast the ache it felt in Missoula. In keeping mindful of their fellow launders, Toki restrained himself against otherwise allowed affection. Skwisgaar used him happily as a resting place for his feet as he read, though batted Toki with his book when boredom tugged on his toe hairs. Toki placed a hand on the small of his back while they switched clothes over to the dryer, then invited Skwisgaar to lean against him as they sat together again. Regretting not bringing something along to preoccupy himself, Toki read over Skwisgaar's shoulder.

“You're usually fasters than this,” he remarked.

“Can'ts read on de road, or else I get sick.” Skwisgaar turned them over to page fifty. “Woulds has gottens further if I coulds. Dis book am actuallys better dan a lot others I has read.”

“Oh?”

“De author never say, but de king—dis Vantisr guy—am pansketchuals. He has boned a couples lady and dude so far, on he and Edgwin's way to de mountain. Amn'ts writtens explicikly, of course. . .”

“That's cool, I guess.” Tok rested his cheek on top of the older man's head. He might fall asleep again, thanks to a restless night.

“I cans identify wit' dat,” Skwisgaar continued. “Ams a good trend, dat people am finally noticings more dan straight people for fictions. Mores dan gay, too. Dids you ever get confuse, when people say you hads to be one or de other?”

“Wouldn'ts has even known gay was an option, if Far didn't preach against it.” While Toki liked both men and women, he didn't feel right going as far as Skwisgaar and claiming pansexuality. The definition of bisexuality always seemed to suit him just fine.

“I woulds has loved to be de one dat sullieds you, back den.”

“Psh. Maybe four years isn'ts a big age gap between us now, but backs then it would has been. You pretties much _were_ the one that dids, anyway. Coulds has sworn my balls drop the day I mets you.”

Skwisgaar laughed. “Oh well. Virginities am a bits overrated. Who care what happen back den, so long as we got here, ah?”

Toki easily forgot how many people came before him. He saw them like ghosts in the room, present somehow but forming the background. At one time he believed he wouldn't be able to get past it, should he and Skwisgaar ever hook up, but how could he judge when he too had bedded plenty of women? “Part of me want to be sad for all the time we missed. Think abouts what it would has been like when we were younger and hads more energy. Although we woulds probably have argued a lots more. . .”

“You talks like we don'ts have energy _now_. I t'inks we has provens ot'erwise.” Outside of fucking nearly everyday since they first hit the road, they'd woken up their neighbours that morning as the bed collided rhythmically with the wall. It earned them a congratulatory whoop at the end, although the twenty-something douchebag Skwisgaar chatted with outside afterward grew perplexed when Toki emerged from their room. To the guy's credit though, he played it off and wrapped up his cigarette before retreating back to his girlfriend.

“We stills pretty young, ja. Maybes is just because this all new, but I coulds go all day everyday, with you. I used to thinks that people stop fucking when they hit thirty.”

“ _Pff_.”

“Your thirtieth birthday party's what fixed that, you knows. There isn'ts no word to describe that night but depraved. Chicago actually reminded me of that.”

“Was a goods night. Bot' of those. Everys once in a while, you gots to go hard likes dat.”

“I's _never_ gones that hard.”

“You lets booze catch up to you too quicklies, is why.”

“I think is more because I nots a machine.”

A smirk tugged Skwisgaar's lips. “I coulds contest dat.”

While folding their clothes, Toki tried to imagine what it would be like if the _other_ guys overheard, rather than strangers. How were they going to break it to them? And how would places like the hot tub change, in atmosphere? Toki wouldn't be able to help checking Skwisgaar out, if they both sat in their bathing suits. Maybe he ought to learn a little restraint before the situation pressed.

With their car tuned well enough to withstand another five-hundred mile sprint through sandy desolation, Reno shrunk in the rear-view mirror. They'd hardly made it half an hour on the Lincoln Highway before it struck Toki just how much of an attention whore Skwisgaar aimed to be that day. He attempted everything from humour to crankiness in order to gain Toki's eye, which only made the younger man laugh before explaining.

“But we amn'ts _at_ Mordhaus right now.”

“Just chills out. I gots to keep my eye on the road anyway.”

“Ha, you waits. I'll gets you.”

He gained Toki's curiosity, but Toki had to wait until they turned south onto the Veteran's Memorial before the cryptic warning came back into play. Movement in the corner of his eye marked the end of Skwisgaar's short nap; a moment of weakness turned Toki's head, then heat plummeting into his lower abdomen forced a double glance.

Compared to what he'd already seen of Skwisgaar, him palming an obvious erection through his pants shouldn't hit Toki so hard. Perhaps that on its own wouldn't light such a hot fire, but hooded eyes sure did.

Toki cleared his throat, cheeks growing warm. “Okays, you win. You gots me.”

“But I amn'ts done yet.” Skwisgaar's zipper gave a short protest before he shimmied the jeans down off his hips. He touched along his cock's underside and grinned when Toki couldn't help but look again. “You know whats?”

“What?”

“I amn'ts going to cum untils you tell me I can.”

Toki forced himself to exhale slowly. That only made the sartorial restraint between his legs all the more agonizing. “Don'ts think you're getting off anytime soon, then.”

“I gots all day. Literallies.”

“You won'ts last. Is another six hours. Whats you gonna do, fondle yourself the whole ways?”

“Whenevers I feel like it.”

“This, I gots to see.”

Accepting the challenge full-heartedly, Skwisgaar's touch alternated between gentle grazing and purposeful strokes. However, every time he got close, he'd clench his hands against his sternum and take deep breaths as his body backed down from climax. They passed by a lake when a pitiful whine sounded from the passenger seat.

Toki only laughed. “Don'ts look at me like that. You gots yourself into this. If you wants to be a quitter you can goes ahead anytime. But I not sayings anything abouts it.”

“I'll. . .” Skwisgaar bit his bottom lip in agony. “I'll waits.”

He tucked himself carefully into his jeans with a sigh. Minor fidgeting and readjustments pleased Toki more than they had the right to. While no rule in this little game postulated _he_ needed to withhold, what could he do behind the wheel? His eye wandered continuously to Skwisgaar, as the man slowly bounced back.

Toki eventually pulled over. “C'mere.”

The older man went along without batting an eye; in pretty much as long as it took for Toki's seat to slide back, Skwisgaar bent over his lap. Toki's fingertips slipped into the other man's jeans, eventually making their way around to the front. They couldn't delve much further than the short, curly hairs. Skwisgaar still groaned, lolling Toki's head back against the rest.

“I hopes _you_ feel better.” Skwisgaar's erection had reemerged. “Here I ams again, horny as hell.”

“Why don'ts you just get off?”

“Ams you tellings me I can?”

Toki grinned. “Nope, but is still your choice.”

“You amn'ts any fun. Why you say it am ups to me, when I say it ams up to _you?_ ”

“Just to bugs you. And I wants to see how much self-control you haves.”

It already turned out to be more than Toki presumed. Skwisgaar held it together all the way to Tonopah, where they stopped for dinner. Although quiet in the restaurant, he stuck closer to Toki than usual. In the car, before Toki could push in the clutch, he wound up again with his fingers entwined in thick hair. Sloppy kissing and a vehement assault underscored hands roaming his chest.

“Skwis, there're people watchings us over there. . .”

“So? Lets dem.”

“Uh-uh.” Toki's eyelashes fluttered as Skwisgaar dropped down to his neck. “You aren'ts getting anything this way. I still says you not allowed.”

“Dere gots to be somet'ing to change your mind.”

“Why you needs my permission? Just goes ahead!”

“No!”

“It still another three or four hours to Vegas. You thinks you can hold out?”

Skwisgaar moaned. “You goings to makes me wait _dat_ long?”

“Feels free to jacks off anytime.” Just to make it worse, Toki groped him between the legs. Skwisgaar's swollen lips fell open and his brow furrowed.

“. . .amn'ts fair. . .” was all Toki caught as they resumed their seats. At least behind the wheel, Skwisgaar might be able to distract himself. Without the freedom to paw at Toki, his lips pressed tighter and tighter. When they switched one more time in Indian Springs, Skwisgaar let out a tumultuous sigh as he secured his seat belt.

“Figureds you would has caved, by now,” Toki remarked. “Since when does you like this kind of thing?”

“Normallys never, but I thought it woulds make de drive a bits more interesking.”

“Workeds for me. This hasn'ts been bad at all.” Toki paused. “Goes ahead. You hads a long day. You deserve some funs.”

“Maybe I wants to wait, until we gets a motel room.”

“No, you does it now. I's probably still goings to fuck you when we gets there, but you have beens very patient.”

It didn't take very long, once Skwisgaar fished himself out. If not for desperation surging through Skwisgaar's veins, Toki would assume the noise and squirminess to be all part of his exhibition. However crude the scene, there was something beautiful about Skwisgaar jacking off. The look in his eye when their gazes met didn't hurt. Neither did a blissful, post-orgasm man grinning before kissing Toki's cheek. “T'anks you.”

“And thanks for the show.”

“Anytime.”

“You betters be careful what you wish for. I mights get used to puttings you through the rings.”

“Coulds be fun.” Skwisgaar sat limp as a noodle. Ahead, Las Vegas' light pollution marred the night sky. “I woulds let you.”

“Reallies?”

“Beens a while since I dids anyt'ing like dat. Some peoples don't know how to ties knot, but I don'ts really trust many fors it anyway.”

“Ares you saying you woulds let me ties you up?”

“Ja.”

“I didn'ts believe that's something I woulds ever hear come out of your mouth.”

“Oh, come on. What ams fucking, if it amn'ts fun? What you t'ink, dat I goings to do de straights and narrow, all dese years?”

“Well, no. . .” Toki smirked. “Is great, though.”

Toki played around like that with others on occasion, though never anything _too_ over the top. He, probably like Skwisgaar, didn't exactly trust in participating with someone he barely knew. And he _definitely_ wouldn't let a virtual stranger tie _him_ down, no matter how much they negotiated beforehand.

“Dere amn'ts much we cans do on de road,” Skwisgaar replied, “but would give me somet'ing to look forward to back at Mordhaus, if we did dat kind of t'ing once in a while.”

“Same.” Yeah; Toki could certainly fuck again, by the time they got a motel room. Unfortunately, America's modern Sodom and Gomorrah railed against them. Even nowhere close to the Strip, they couldn't find a place to shack up. Pushing further north therein, flopping backward onto their most recent bed satisfied Toki nearly as much as if he sank his dick into the other man.

However, Skwisgaar didn't share the same level of satisfaction. He straddled Toki's waist and smirked from his perch when Toki opened his eyes. “You promised.”

Two handfuls of ass changed the younger man's tune in Skwisgaar's favour. “Gets undressed. Beens too long since I saw you completelies naked.” 


	29. Vegas

When Toki woke up, Skwisgaar had already been up and about. The man smeared aloe vera over his sunburn when Toki sat up to nuzzle his neck. “I could stuff an entire cow downs my throat right now.”

“You didn'ts eat very much yesterday,” Skwisgaar remarked.

“Gonna gets fat.”

“ _Pff_ , why you worries about dat on de road? Whatever happen here am fixables. I needs to take care of my skin when we gets back, oogh. It ams getting out of hands. I hasn'ts had dis many blackhead since I still lived in Sweden.”

The mental image of a gangly, awkward, teenaged Skwisgaar sulking before a mirror delighted Toki to the verge of giggles. “Puts your head in my lap.”

Skwisgaar squinted when Toki positioned the lamp to illuminate his face. “What de hell am dis?”

“Just relax, elskling _._ ” His answer came soon enough; Toki skimmed Skwisgaar's forehead in search for blemishes. He poked his tongue out in concentration as he squeezed one between his thumbnails. “Ja, I don'ts think I've seen your skin likes this, either.”

“T'anks, dat make me feel better.”

“It isn'ts the end of the world. Is actually fun to me. Don'ts you ever pick your face?”

“Don'ts usually haves to. I hates how swollen and blotchy it get after, when I do.”

“Is nice to see you when you aren'ts all perfectly done up.” Toki smiled. “Is pretty rare.”

“Not dese day. Can'ts hide _not'ing_.”

“Isn'ts it great?”

“Onlies if I amn't de only one.”

“You aren'ts. I's getting flabby already. And watchings _you_ prance around tells me I shoulds probably shaves my ass. I can'ts believe you puts your mouth down there, wowie.”

Skwisgaar snorted. “It amn'ts a big deal, when it am someone dat. . .well, you knows.”

“Knows what?”

“ _You knows_.”

“No, I don'ts.”

Rather than elaborate, Skwisgaar's cheeks pulled upward toward bright eyes. He brought Toki down by the back of his neck, foiling his attempt to groom. Lips touched each of Toki's eyelids before moving down over his nose toward his mouth. “I. . .”

“Hm?”

“I amn'ts ready to says it yet, but dis has been a reallies good trip.” Skwisgaar kissed him again. “Ams only a matters of time.”

“I wants to know when you does that you means it.”

“I won't says it untils I do. I wants to be shore, too. Ams important to me.”

When Toki continued working on Skwisgaar's face, his grin couldn't be extinguished. Skwisgaar, to contrast, winced and groaned as more sensitive areas gained attention. His eyes watered when Toki worked at one underneath his eyebrow; unable to handle it, he slapped Toki's hand away. “Okay, dat ams enough. I cans take over from here, I t'ink.”

“Aw, sorries.” Toki kissed his forehead. Like Skwisgaar foretold would happen, blotches marred his face. That on top of dark, untreated hair made him look more like a heroin addict than his usual composed self. “I's almost sad that you goings to straighten yourself out when we goes home. I loves you like this.”

“ _Pff_ , likes what?”

“Trash.” Toki laughed at the expression of utmost dissatisfaction he earned. “I means it as a compliment. Don'ts get me wrong, you's fucking hot when you's all puts together. But is nice to feels for a minute like I's on the same level as you.”

“ _I_ t'inks we am on de same level.”

“That's because you don'ts got to puts up with an arrogant asshole all days, that look down his nose at everyone.”

“Hm.”

“It'll be different now, howevers you act, because I'll gets it. You ares the way you ares, and I thinks you're perfect.”

“Dat make two of us, _apparentlies_.”

Soon as he could peel himself away, Toki headed in for a shower. He heard shuffling by the mirror halfway through, and found Skwisgaar situated on the counter. Picking his own face resulted in similar surliness.

“How's it going?” Toki rubbed his back.

“I hates my skin. _Pff_ , t'anks mom, for de wonderful genes.”

Retrieving his brush, Toki took up beside him. Skwisgaar didn't stop until nearly every part of his face earned attention. “I t'inks I overdid it. Everyt'ing hort.”

“Once the swelling go down, it wills has been worth it, right?”

Skwisgaar went about cleaning it with the shitty motel soap. “It wills be just as bad tomorrow. You watch.”

“I gets pimples once in a while, but I mostlies just leave it all alone. I pops the white ones, don'ts bother with the little black ones.”

Now was Skwisgaar's turn to watch the other man. He took a seat on the lowered toilet seat, visible in the mirror as Toki pulled his hair into a high ponytail and shaved his face clean. After not bothering for a couple days, the stubble grew out of hand. Just like that, apparently to Skwisgaar's chagrin, he peeled ten years off his visual age.

Skwisgaar followed him into the main room as he sought out clothes. “Hey, Toki.”

“Uh huh?”

“I hads dis thought this mornings, while I hads a smoke.” Skwisgaar rubbed his arm. “Cans I ask you a hypotheticals t'ing?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, uh. . .what ams your favourite food?”

“Skwis, that's hardlies hypothetics. Is pizza.”

“I notice dat you don'ts eat pizza for everys meal, though.”

“Can'ts. Isn'ts the greatest thing for you and besides, I likes to eat other things too.” As soon as Toki said that, he had a very good idea of what Skwisgaar tried to bring up. Even though he expected it, discomfort sparked to life deep in his chest. They'd only been together for _two days_. Couldn't Skwisgaar let them enjoy the honeymoon period a while longer? “Why? Whats your point?”

“Well, what I was t'inking ams—you knows, if you t'ink abouts it like dat—”

“Skwis, just spits it out. I alreadies know. You wants to fuck other people.”

Toki never really imagined the older man to be someone who could settle with just _one_ sexual partner. It was easy over the years to imagine Toki would handle it with ease, but when it stood before him in a half-hopeful, half-apprehensive man, it stuck in his mouth like a large, dry pill. All the carefreeness he experienced since waking trickled away. Why did Skwisgaar have to bring this up? Why couldn't they just enjoy their newfound relationship? Did he already have his eye on someone? Did he flirt with some random lady in the parking lot? Forget angry, Toki suddenly felt sick.

“Coulds we stick to de hypotheticals?” Skwisgaar suggested. “Mights make it easier to talks about.”

“No it won'ts, because foods don't got feelings if you pick something over it.”

“You can'ts t'ink about it like I ams picking someone over you, though. Don'ts it mean anyt'ing when you ams my boyfriend and dey ams just fucks?”

“I don'ts know if I can handles that. Skwis, you beens my boyfriend for _two days_. Ares you already worried about cheatings?”

“Dis am probablies somet'ing I shoulds has put out dere before we gots involved.”

“I thoughts we did. You saids you never cheateds on your girlfriend in Sweden. Was that a lie, then?”

“We weres cool, about gettings it somewhere else. So it wasn'ts technically cheatings. She knews about all of dem, and I knew abouts all of hers.”

Toki couldn't believe they discussed this. Even if Skwisgaar didn't twist the truth about his previous relationship, Toki still felt lied to. He totally expected, coming into this, that they would remain sexually exclusive. They had so far, on their trip. Actually, that wasn't true, when taking Chicago and Skwisgaar's other various flirts into consideration. And their time on the road was such a small slice of their lives, no matter how transformational. Toki felt mostly stupid for dreaming Skwisgaar could ever be totally his.

“I apolgesac dat I didn'ts bring it up beforehand. I didn'ts t'ink it would matter dis much. You didn'ts have a problem wit' me fucking other people in Chicago.”

“We weren'ts together then. I didn'ts even think _we_ would fuck.” Toki sunk onto the bed. “I can'ts think about this. Is too much, and—well, nots a _total_ surprise, but I thoughts when you said you wanteds to be with me, you meants you wanteds to be with _me_.”

“It amn'ts like dat at all, Toki. T'inks of it maybes not like favourite food, but when you haves a kid and you wants a second one. It amn'ts dat you deprive de forst one to makes room for a second, it just. . .grow, and den you takes from dat to gives to de second one.” Skwisgaar bounced off the bathroom door frame to join Toki where he sat. “Cans you honestly say dat you wouldn'ts want to fuck other people, sometime? T'inks about it: if we lockeds ourselves into a monogsmous relatesingip, you wouldn'ts ever gets a lady again. When we goes on tour, we amn'ts going to be able to does anyt'ing like de other guys. Does you really wants to be de couple dat always stays in because we can onlies bone each other?”

“I can'ts make a decision likes that right on the spot.”

“Just humours me dis conversation, ja? It ams importants dat you understand I don't see ot'er people like I see you. To me, a boyfriend ams an emotional t'ing. You have somet'ing of me dat no one else ams going to. Don'ts dat mean anyt'ing?”

“But sex should be just as specials.”

“It cans be. Dere am differents kind of sex, mores dan just fucking. . .you knows, how we sometimes do.”

Toki couldn't make his brain work. “I don'ts get why you brings this up so soon. Or why you haven'ts already. I can'ts believe we've onlies been dating for two days and you alreadies talking about fucking other people. This shoulds has come out before.”

“It amn'ts like I'm asking pormission to goes out tonight and hooks up. Dat amn'ts on my radar right now. Because dis am new and we got so much uncharteds ground, I onlies got my eye on you. But dere am going to be a day when I can'ts ignore anymore dat dere am good lookings people I wants to put you-know-what intoside of. Same goes for you. Ams human natskure. We mights as well prepare for dat, and ams way better if we both t'ink it am acceptables.”

“Can we stops talking about this?”

However Toki looked at it, Skwisgaar either diminished their relationship in value or put an expiration date on it. The resulting bout of depression killed his previous attachment to the older man. He volunteered to grab food, silently unable to quell jealous thoughts of Skwisgaar scoping someone out on the way. Even though they'd driven four thousand miles to get here, Toki couldn't fathom leaving the hotel room, otherwise. Anything could happen, in Vegas. Did Skwisgaar only _say_ he didn't want to fuck someone here, just to spare his feelings?

Toki had himself to blame, for feeling betrayed. He should have _known_ this would happen. How could he be so naive? Did love blind him that strongly?

Later in the day, as tension thickened and the need for recuperation from the drive waned, Skwisgaar set his book aside. “Cans we do somet'ing?”

“Likes what?”

“Let's go out. Go sees de Strip.”

“I don'ts think I have the energy for that.” Toki flipped through channels, trying to find news that might cover the discovery of Ludwig's body. Nothing, so far. “Maybes tomorrow.”

“Whats about somewhere closer? Dere ams a couple bar down de street.”

“You goes ahead.”

“But I wants to do somet'ing wit' _you_.”

Toki narrowed an eye at Skwisgaar, certain that the man only sucked up to right his earlier blunder. Whether he feigned earnestness or was genuine, Toki could definitely use a drink. Seated at a scungy bar, he nailed back a shot as Skwisgaar ordered a light beer.

“Hey,” Skwisgaar got his attention. “Ams you going to gets crazy drunk?”

“Woulds you take care of me, if I dids?”

“Ja, but. . .dat amn'ts what I hads in mind, for tonight.”

“Then what _dids_ you want to do?” Toki looked further down the bar, at a couple rough looking men laden with facial scars. “Go hits on them? Ask them to comes back to our room?”

“Don'ts put word in my mouth.” Skwisgaar lowered his voice. “You wants to puts me down for dat, den let's just forget sittings in a bar. I won'ts be unsbarrassed, if you goings to make a scene.”

Toki, on the other hand, grew progressively louder. “A scene? Likes what, like tellings everyone that you's opens for business—?”

A stinging cheek cut him short. Rubbing absently where Skwisgaar's open palm connected, and well aware that the bartender and half the room watched with interest, Toki frowned. Regret seeped in at sight of momentary injury before the muscles of Skwisgaar's face slipped back toward a familiar mask.

He slid off his stool. “Fucks you. I'll be backs at de motel. If you can'ts be anyt'ing but an asshole, den I don'ts want not'ing to does wit' you.”

“Whatsever.” Toki rolled his eyes before gesturing the bartender closer in order to get a second shot. With what Skwisgaar planned to put him through once his interest wandered, Toki had the right to feel this way. However he responded to Skwisgaar's request for an open relationship, he would wind up broken-hearted and Skwisgaar would get what he wanted. Again. Always. Because it could _never_ be any other way.

Too many shots later, a new regret found him stumbling back toward the motel. He remembered the name, but where the hell did it go?

“Did you need some help?”

Through the spinning streets, Toki saw the guys that had occupied the other end of the bar. Not really in position to turn them down, unless he wanted to spend the night on the sidewalk, he gestured in a generally eastern direction. “I'ms tryings to gets to. . .Battlelore. That's whats it called.”

“Back you come, hombre.” They took Toki's arms around their shoulders. “You're heading the wrong way.”

“Oh. I maybes thought so.”

“Rough night?”

“Could says that.”

Walking on the verge of passing out silenced Toki. His helpers stopped to let him throw up when necessary, then knocking brought Toki more out of it. When he lifted his head, he found Skwisgaar half-dressed and looking exhausted. “Hey, Skwis.”

“Helped your buddy out. Where do you want us to put him?”

“I cans take it from here.” Skwisgaar held up a hand when the two men tried to come inside the room. Eyeing them suspiciously, he took Toki off their arms. “T'anks you. I gives you money, for going through de trouble of lugging dis dildo so far—”

“Oh, no. No, we couldn't. . .”

Toki came to again, face-to-face with the bottom of a toilet. The water remained undisturbed for only a split-second before his diaphragm seized. A tsk alerted him of a second presence. “You ams lucky I loves you, to puts up wit' dis shit. I shoulds has made you sleeps in de car.”

Uncaring hands dabbed Toki's face clean, undressed him, and helped him climb into bed. Toki naturally gravitated toward the other body, but wound up being shoved back. “Don'ts fucking touch me.”

“Aw, Skwis.”

“I said _don'ts touch me_. Goes to sleep, tries not to die, den I yells at you in de morning. Sound good?”

“ _Goooollies_ , I loves you. Can'ts we cuddle?”

“Fucks off.”

“Ins the morning, then. Night night.”

“Fucks you.” 


	30. Desperation

Toki knew, if he should move his tongue about, he'd taste puke. A few memories retained for morning, and the rest evaporated along with the alcohol in his veins. Though he felt sorry for himself, thanks to the headache wracking his skull, panic sparked as he took in the room around him. “Why's you all packed up?”

Before Skwisgaar could respond, Toki bolted upright. The room went with him, necessitating a hand to steady himself. A wave of nausea followed. “Ares you leaving? I'm sorry, I handleds that all wrong—”

“Sh.” Skwisgaar tightened his crossed arms. “Ams fine if you wants to grovel, but we got somet'ing more importants to deal wit' forst.”

“What you means?”

“I wents out for a smoke dis morning, and I noticed dat some of de garbage from de car floor was sittings up on de seat. I checkeds a bit more, and all our shit's been fucked wit'. Not'ing am missing, far as I can see, and it amn't like anyt'ing we got am valuables.” Skwisgaar glanced at his bags, as if paranoid someone would have stolen them while he spoke. “I wants to get out of dis neighbourhood. We don'ts need to leave Vegas, but dis am scummier dan we used to.”

“We gots broken into?” Toki's stomach further soured.

Why did he want to come to this crummy city, again? Its apparent lawlessness initially attracted Toki; not so much, now. A chill ran down his spine as he looked over the car trunk. No doubt, someone had gone digging. Locking the doors should have been enough, for security. When he handed in their room key, he only felt violated.

“I can'ts believe it. Ugh, someone touched my fuckings underwear.” Skwisgaar shuddered in the passenger seat. “We shouldn'ts has gone so far north. Ams different dan de city centre.”

“Wouldn'ts know.” Toki changed lanes, in order to aim them in that direction. Does you think the motels are expensive, this way?”

“ _Pff_ , probablies need a credit card. Maybes we should just gets out of dis hellhole.”

“After sittings in the car for two day straights, I really nots leaning toward that. Can'ts we stay here a few more nights?”

“If we finds a place, I guess.”

Toki expected to get the earful due, from his antics the night before. If Skwisgaar dropped the concept of sharing an open relationship, did that mean he forgave Toki? Suspicion transformed to assumption, as they worked together to find their next accommodations. Inside the new room, Toki wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar's waist from behind. A squirmy escape extinguished his smile.

“Don'ts t'ink you am off de hook,” Skwisgaar huffed. “Brokens into or not, I'm still pissed.”

“I'm sorry, elskling. My behaviour wasn'ts excusable. I hads no right to talks about you like that.”

“Lets me tell you dis.” Skwisgaar poked him in the chest. “You ams upset dat I might wants to sleep wit' ot'er people, but dere am not'ing more dan how you acted dat will makes me nots want _you_. I won't sleeps wit' someone dat doesn'ts respect me.”

“I didn'ts mean it. I reacteds like that because you hurt me. You gots to admit it nots very tactful to brings up an open relatesingip _two days_ after we makes it official. You couldn'ts even wait until we gets home? Or untils you know for sure you can'ts keep yourself to one person?”

“I'ves never been monogsmous a days in my life. It amn'ts in me.”

“You beens monogsmous with _me_ so far, haven'ts you?”

“Ja, but am such a narrow window in my sex life. You could says I beens monogsmous wit' everyone I ever slepts wit'. In de grand scheme of t'ing, I likes multiple partners. I can'ts help what make me happy.”

Toki massaged his brow line. “I don'ts think I's ready to have this conversation yet. Can'ts we wait? You gots what you wanted, the idea's out there. Cans guarantee it'll be pretties much all I's able to think about.”

“All you goings to do if you lets it stew inside you am slant it in a shitties way. You goings to t'ink dat it ams basically me cheating. De only difference am dat you knows about it.” Skwisgaar sat on the bed. “You haven'ts ask yet my porspkektive. And why haven'ts you ask me why I woulds get into a relatesingip if I only wanteds _dis?_ Don'ts it mean anyt'ing dat evens though I cans fuck anyone I wants, I prefers to have somet'ing special with you? Or dat howevers many ladies I blow through, it ams you I prefers to talks wit', goofs off wit', and sleeps in de same bed wit'?”

“I don'ts know how I could sleeps beside you, if you smells like cheap perfume and sex.”

“Well. . .Katrine and I used to talks about it. We treateds casual sex as dat: casual. It was just a t'ing dat we dids in our spare time, likes getting a beer at Malmsteen's or comparings whatever we were readings. Mades us feel good, so we encouraged each other.”

“Ugh, sorries, but I don'ts really want to hears about your ex, either.”

“I'ms trying to offer you some insight. But. . .whatevers. I knows better dan to talks you into somet'ing like dis. If you don'ts like it, dere am not'ing good to gains. Dere will onlies be jealousy.”

Even when feeling threatened by Skwisgaar's prospective lovers on the side, Toki still managed to bend under guilt. He loved Skwisgaar enough to not want to deprive him of something he obviously needed. Matching the other man's dejection, Toki watched him unpack. “What's the alternative?”

“Whats you mean?”

“Obviouslies, no matters what happen, one of us is goings to end up resentful. If we haves it that way, is me. If nots, you. If I says no, then you's caged.” Toki worked his bottom lip. “Does you think you would ends up cheating on me?”

“I don'ts know,” Skwisgaar answered after a moment of consideration. “I wants to believe dat I amn't dat porson who accidentally finds demself in bed wit' someone. I coulds hold off if I wanteds to—and believes me, not hurtings you am a bigs incentive—but for me it ams more a quetskin of happiness dan self-control. Sex am more dan how I connects wit' whoevers I'm in a relatesingip wit'. It ams fun. Ams how I socialize, since I don'ts really have any ot'er way to relate to people.”

“I needs more time to process it.” Naturally, Toki gravitated toward what would make Skwisgaar happy, even if it destroyed him in the process. Resentment already manifested, though; Toki hated everything about it, including that Skwisgaar expressed such need for it. Why couldn't Toki be enough? He'd do anything in bed, to keep Skwisgaar's focus. It was inevitable that Toki would eventually offer up his ass for a dicking, and he'd get better at giving head once he practiced some more. “You's right: I can't sees it as much more than me givings you permission to cheat.”

“If you feels cheated on, den it am cheating.” Skwisgaar resumed seat beside Toki, with no clothes left to organize. “And I don'ts wish to do dat, so. . .I guess dis am how it ams.”

How could Toki consciously hold Skwisgaar to an unattainable standard? Though it pained him, he needed to ask. “If is important to you, is it somethings worth breaking up over?”

“See, dat am where it get difficult. We jokeds before, but you didn'ts wear me down to beings in a relatesingip. I don'ts want to gives up what we have, just for sex wit' ot'er people. Ams a terrible place to be in, to picks one or de ot'er.”

“If you aren'ts ready to commit, then what else is there to says? I can'ts live with 'maybe', Skwis. Is to our advantage to nips it in the bud before it all comes crashing down a year from now. We woulds has known better.”

“But. . .what dat mean, den? What you t'ink should happen?”

“We should stops fucking, if we agrees to this. And we shoulds probably go home, because honestlies, is goings to take me a while to gets over how disappointeds I am about how this turn out.” Disappointment was an understatement; if not for how practiced Toki became at hiding this particular heartbreak, he wouldn't even be in a state to speak. “I goings to need time away from you.”

“Well, whats if we _don'ts_ agree? Ah? What if I amn'ts ready to t'row in de towel?” Skwisgaar's features furrowed in determination. “You wants to give up dis easily? Really?”

“I don'ts want to, but what choice we have? This is only goings to end badly for old Toki. Just you watch.”

“No.” Skwisgaar turned Toki's jaw toward him for a swift kiss. “No, I can'ts do it.”

“Skwis. . .” But Toki couldn't either. Their touching foreheads compelled him to meet Skwisgaar's gaze, and that cinched it. Pushing the future from his mind, Toki concentrated solely on the blaze in his belly. Not only no, but _fuck_ no. He'd waited too damn long, only to throw Skwisgaar away. And over something so _stupid!_ They'd worked through worse before, so how was this any different? Ditching their effort did them both such a disservice. If neither truly willed to call it quits, then there must be a third option they'd yet to see.

Each kiss bowled Toki further back on his suggestion, to where he cupped Skwisgaar's jaw and delved deeper into distress. He needed Skwisgaar. He _needed_ him. All the wistful glances, lonely nights, and missed connections couldn't just land in the trash. Toki saw a different juncture with Skwisgaar, every time he cracked his eyes open: those first nights he spent in Nathan's cramped apartment in Tampa, when a fellow teen boasted sweat-dampened skin; the party following their first album hitting top of the charts around the world, as they soaked each other with champagne; seated on the sidewalk wrapped in blankets, the first time someone attempted their lives and neither could stop shaking; the first night at Mordhaus, when a snowstorm caused the citadel to moan like a tortured spirit, sending Toki down the hall; in the Gulf of Danzig, when Toki first met the Metal Masked Assassin and assumed imminent death; at Seth's wedding, if Skwisgaar were only a little more drunk and Toki less so; when Skwisgaar gave a legitimate attempt at comfort in wake of his father's death, and then Skwisgaar sought him out after his return from Sweden; when Skwisgaar shared his excitement to go to Splash-A-Roonie for the afternoon, and the resultant disappointment teamed them up against Murderface; when Skwisgaar saved his life on stage in Lillehammer, and then when he did again, on the very ground where they'd first met, bringing them back full-circle. . .

Toki chickened out, every single time. There was always a reason not to go for it, whether timing, lack of energy, or mere decision. Maybe a bigger ratiocination existed now, but Toki raised both middle fingers to it. He'd waited too long and shit, if Skwisgaar wound up wrecking him, Toki gave up enough of himself already for not much left to exist. The risk was worth it, for everything he stood to gain.

New fingerprints impressing upon his body galvanized him to wrench on clothes. The buttons down the front of Skwisgaar's shirt necessitated more patience than he possessed, turning the duty over. With Skwisgaar straddling him, Toki preferred a handful of ass and the taste of fresh sweat, anyway. His mouth found every new inch of revealed skin, as far down as he could bend his neck to reach. Bare shoulders inspired a flip, forcing the air from Skwisgaar's lungs as his back hit the bed. A man possessed finished undressing them.

While the physical portion of their act lasted shorter than Toki liked, the skeleton of his passion still burned away behind his bellybutton. He kept mindful of his weight as he remained on top of Skwisgaar afterward, occupying his lips so that they couldn't talk anymore. However, he might like what they had to say, depending. Toki himself tried to remain positive. Something had to give. Either Skwisgaar would embrace sex with only one person, or else Toki would find his emotions in line with logic. It had to happen. They'd come too far, for something so paltry to drive them back apart.

The ghost of Skwisgaar's moans followed Toki into the shower. He hadn't even cleaned up from the night before, which made him wonder how Skwisgaar put up with it long enough to achieve an orgasm. As he stood beneath the hot stream though, Toki became more aware of a different burning on his back. He knew it felt vaguely familiar when he wiped the steam from the mirror and pulled his hair over one shoulder in order to investigate; red lines marked up the distance between his shoulder blades to his ass. Even more than when it happened, Toki prided himself on making Skwisgaar cum without stroking him off.

Skwisgaar's enchantment lingered when Toki found him outside with a cigarette. They sidled up together on the concrete barrier to share another kiss. While Toki tried to figure out how the fabric of his tee shirt wouldn't irritate his back, Skwisgaar coyly eyed him. “Hey.”

“Uh huh.” Toki felt over the raised flesh.

“I loves you.”

Unable to outright accept that, Toki shrugged it off. “You only sayings that because I fucked you so good.”

“No, I means it. Jag är kär i dig _._ It got not'ing to do wit' sex. Although I haves to admit, dat _was_ probablies de best I evers had.” Skwisgaar nudged him.

“Glads I could be of service.”

“Hey. . .you amn'ts going to start actings like an asshole, am you?”

Toki shook his head, putting an arm around Skwisgaar's waist. “I just don'ts really know how to reacts to you sayings that.”

“Dere am dis phrase, I believe it go 'I loves you too'?”

Laughter forged a good start for Toki's stunted brain. He had to trust that Skwisgaar knew his own emotions enough to deem this the appropriate time. Could he really have inspired reciprocated regard in the object of his affections?

Maybe it was this city, where its prime establishments existed under constant surveillance, but Toki didn't feel alone with Skwisgaar as they sat outside. While light tenderness went back and forth between them, Toki waited until a door and curtain separated them from the world before fully indulging in his lover. He earned a grin for pushing the man's legs open all over again. 


	31. Blowout

In order to see the entire Strip in the early evening, Skwisgaar and Toki drove as far south as Sunset on Las Vegas Boulevard, then turned around. They found a parking garage near Circus Circus so that they could experience it more personally. With the heat giving way to a chilly, desert night, Toki didn't feel anymore as though he might melt onto the sidewalk.

Anxiety undermined his and Skwisgaar's cooled argument. They had yet to discuss anything again, preferring physicality. Skwisgaar seemed relaxed, enjoying himself as they strolled the Boulevard hand in hand, and pointed out various landmarks. Toki's mood improved when Skwisgaar legitimately showed zero interest in some sly pimp offering an escort for the evening. For now, he truly _did_ keep Skwisgaar's eye, and Toki wasn't sure if he should feel happy and grateful, or if he should dread when that no longer held true.

They got a soda near Caesar's Palace, stopping to rest their feet. Facing Paris, Skwisgaar drank deeply. “Ams too bad we can'ts get in, anywhere. Didn'ts t'ink about dat, when we ditched our ID.”

“They's just doings their job.” Toki shrugged. “I didn'ts come here to gamble, anyway. I woulds rather walk around with you.”

Skwisgaar pat Toki's hand with a smile. “Ams nicer outside. Ams legal to smokes in de casino, so de air ams all blue. And Odin forbids you gets between somebody and deir slots machine.”

Chuckling, Toki shuffled closer on their bench. “Hey.”

“Hm?”

“I really wants to try with you, okay? You's more than worth it. I'm sorries for earlier, I shouldn'ts has brought up going our separate ways. I owes more to us than to turns my back when we hits an obstacle.”

“And I apolgesac for bringings up an open relatesingip so soon. You ams right, I coulds has picked a better time. Before we gots together woulds has been ideal, but since it didn't happen dat way I was runnings on de logic dat it am better sooners dan later. I didn'ts want you to t'ink somewhere down de road dat I was just gettings bored.”

With all the abruptness surrounding it behind them, Toki could view the entire discussion more objectively. “Because we needs to accommodate two people's needs, we's always going to be negotiating what is and isn'ts okay. From what you have saids, I thinks we agree that it isn'ts a pressing issue, time-wise. It isn't somethings I could handle right now, but it isn't somethings you even _wants_ at the moment. Ja?”

Skwisgaar nodded. “I ams enjoying only beings wit' one porson. All I wants to do right now am forget dat de rest of de world exist so dat I cans concentrate on what am happenings here, between us. Ams nice, to be as close to someone as I ams you. Maybes I love sex, but my life don'ts revolve around it.”

“And I thinks—I _thinks_ —we'll be ables to negotiate something furthers down the road.” Toki bit back a swell of anxiety, validation of where he currently stood on the issue. “It isn'ts fair of me to makes you out as a bad guy, when I's known you and what you like for so long. I can'ts change someone by puttings my dick in them. When I comes into a relatesingip with you, I needs to embrace _all_ of you. This isn'ts Toki's relatesingip. Is both of ours, and your happiness matters to me as much as mine does.”

“So how abouts dis.” Skwisgaar lowered his voice, prompting Toki to lean in. “We gots an idea what am goings to come in de future, so insteads of dealing wit' de possibilities today, let's enjoys what we gots in front of us. We ams in Las Vegas, and we'ves come a longs way to makes it here.”

Toki understood that Skwisgaar meant more than geographically. He kissed the other man's cheek as form of agreement, and felt that portion of his worries float away. Aside from their last fight, Toki grew nervous regarding the situation with Ludwig. The news still said nothing else about his body being found, although Toki needed access to the internet to confirm that Charles tracked them as far as Billings. Reminder that an expert team searched for them pressured him to get back on the road. However, they'd driven nearly two thousand miles out of Montana in a non-direct path, with nothing but gas fumes and the occasional bag of garbage left in their wake. They would probably be safe for days, until Charles caught their scent in the wind.

Beyond that too, Toki still felt mildly paranoid. It bothered him to the point of scanning the hoards of people they met, and peering over his shoulder. He thought he could write it off as unnecessary, but as they waited for a north-bound bus outside the MGM Grand, he took a double-glance. Then, his insides ran ice cold.

“Skwis.” Toki tried to move his lips as little as possible, after boarding the next shuttle. “Don'ts react to this, but we's being followed.”

Skwisgaar maintained the disdainful air appropriate for public transit. “By who?”

“Those guys that broughts me back to the hotel, last night.”

“Dey ams on here?”

“Got on after us.”

“Whats you t'ink?”

“Klokateers.”

“But. . .how coulds dey find us?”

“Coulds has just spotteds us. I thinks Charles is in Montana, so his radar has definitelies gotten bigger. Maybes a stroke of luck, on their part.”

“Let's get back to de car, den we can decide what to does about dis,” Skwisgaar suggested in a whisper, before silence fell between them. What if the klokateers were ordered to end their fun, should they stumble upon it? But then, why didn't they do so at the bar?

By the time they paid their way out of where they parked, Toki had a theory. “I thinks Charles know where we are.”

“Den why hasn'ts he givens us shit yet?”

“We beens making out in public places, so maybes he just lettings us have our fun. So longs as he know we safe, he maybes okay with it?”

“Huh, most likelies.” They could never leave Mordhaus without klokateers, dressed as such or in plainclothes, tailing behind. “Dat would explains why dey broughts you back to de motel. I thoughts dat was a little suspicious.”

Toki sighed. “Oh well. Was fun while it lasted, ja?”

“Who say it am over? We can still keeps going. Maybe de illusion of solitudes am gone, but if he amn't goings to intervene, I amn'ts going home. Hell, evens if he did, I woulds fight for us to be alloweds to carry on. We still gots Tampa to goes to, if you was serious.”

A sly smile overcame Toki. “I gots a suggestion.”

“Ja?”

“We mights has lost those gears. Let's skip town befores they can catch up to us again. Maybes we could get ahead, if they expects us to return to our motel room.”

“Ams wort' a shot. But what about our stuffs? And we paids for de night.”

“Fucks it. Dids you have anything there worth goings back for? I didn'ts.”

“Mm. . .no. Cans always buy more clothes and deodorant, and I'ves kept my monies on me since dis morning.”

Toki pointed ahead at the Charleston intersection. “Turns left there. Shoulds take us over to the interstate. Let's get the fucks out of here.”

When they coasted on the I-15, Toki dug into the glove compartment for the most relevant map to their next route. “How longs are you willing to sits in a car for?”

“Nots more dan a couple hour, dependings. What ams de next big city, headings east?”

“Flagstaff, in Arizona.” Toki traced his finger along the various routes thereto. “I woulds estimate we coulds get there before midnight. Is. . .two-hundred and fifty mile or so, away. Whats you think?”

“Just tells me where to drive.”

Directing them down through Henderson preoccupied Toki. Throughout, whenever a stretch of uneventful road thwarted need for guidance, he attempted to map out their next travel leg. There didn't seem to be much other than desert to see, until they hit central Texas.

Traffic thinned out on Highway 93. Then, as the evening progressed toward night, they found themselves alone except for headlights in the distant rear. With relatively little separating them between their next checkpoint, Toki hoped their last round of maintenance on the car still stood.

“It suck dat we hads to split so fast,” Skwisgaar spoke. “But I guess if we ever wanted to goes back, it am an option to us.”

“Meh. Gambling never beens all that fun to me. I woulds tag along though, if the other guys ever wanteds to go. But if we wents on a trip by ourselves, I woulds rather go somewhere else.”

“Likes where?”

“Somewhere hot, so you gots all the excuses you need to stays mostly undressed.”

“What about somewheres cold, where I gots all de excuses I need to stays close to you?”

“You seriouslies going to make me choose?”

Skwisgaar chuckled along with him. “Who say dat Charles am going to lets us go anywhere again, anytime soon? He ams probably lettings us get it all out of our system before we comes home, to avoids it happening again. I can see dat might work. If we drives all de way to Tampa, den all de way back up to Mordhaus, I don'ts t'ink I am goings to want to goes anywhere for a longs while.”

“Wills be nice to sleeps in my own bed. I gets a little tired sometimes of crappy motel beds and sleepings in the car.” Toki reclined his seat anyway, folding his fingers over his stomach as he looked at the other man. “Are you going to lets me sleep with you, when we gets home?”

“What kinds of a quetskin am dat?” Skwisgaar poked him. “ _Pff_ , ja. You shoulds get a bigger bed too, so dat we can have variety.”

“You just don't wants a smelly guy in your room.”

“I don'ts recall a time I evers had dat issue. . .because you smelleds, anyway. Ams more if you was beings annoying.”

“Ja, I beens there.” Toki definitely shoved Skwisgaar out of his space enough times to match his own ejections. “Whats you goings to do now, if I comes into your room and starts being annoying?”

“Probably sucks your dick. Ams a pretties quick way to shuts you up.”

“You too. You cans talk to my dick until you forgets whatever you was on my case about.”

Skwisgaar laughed. “And whats about _my_ dick?”

As their joking progressed into sore cheeks and light flirting, Toki became aware that the vehicle behind them rapidly approached. “Holies, how far under the speed limit are you goings? They caughts right up.”

“I'ms just fine. _Dey_ am de one speeding. Uh. . .” Red and blue lights lit up the Mustang's interior; Skwisgaar stared into the rearview mirror. “Fucks.”

Toki brought his seat upright, then peered backward. The typical white vehicle didn't follow, and the lights situated on the dash instead of the top. “Is a ghost car. Didn'ts Moidaface say once that you shouldn'ts pull over for those in the middles of nowhere, just in case they's an imposter?”

“Somet'ing like dat. Calls 911 and see if anyone am on duties. But. . .nots much we can do wit'out phones. How far am de next town?”

“Uh. . .I can'ts remember. . .”

Anxiety grew as the lights continued to flash, the vehicle rode their bumper briefly before backing off again, and a horn tooted. Toki wanted to sleep, in order to ignore that this happened, but refused to leave Skwisgaar to deal with it on his own. They passed no distance signage over the next three miles.

“Maybes we just aren't destined to gets away from Charles,” Toki said.

“Huh, probablies wasn'ts impressed dat we tooks off again and figureds it was time to reels us in—”

Twin pops added to the din, not registering with Toki until the smell of rubber pervaded the car and Skwisgaar instinctively worked not to swerve into the other lane as they came to a forced stop. Shock furrowed Toki's brow as they looked at each other. “Dids we just get shot at?”

“Guess dey was serious about us stoppings.” Skwisgaar's voice trembled, countering his attempt at a cool demeanour. He made a noise of uncertainty as he watched whomever approach in the side-view. “Okays, I offiskly don'ts like dis. Dey amn'ts wearing a uniform.”

“Maybes is klokateers.” Seriously though, what a dick move to shoot out their back tires.

Just as Toki anticipated, he again recognized who bent down to study them through the driver window. The man looked back and forth at wide eyes, then clapped the roof. “Out.”

“I wants to see some ID, forst,” Skwisgaar stated with more confidence than he emanated. They truly didn't have a choice but to go along, if outmanned, outmuscled, and outgunned. “Shows to me your brand and your chapter badge.”

“Skwisgaar Skwigelf, right?” The request went ignored. “And Toki Wartooth?”

When neither Scandinavian confirmed or denied, a wide grin overcame their scarred assailant. Surrounding the Mustang, two more men hovered as back up. These weren't klokateers. The realization arrested Toki's chest in panic. He'd been through this before. This had to be a nightmare. He stumbled as his door was wrenched open and his foot twisted in sand. Rubber laid in strips alongside the highway, and no light beyond luxuriant starlight above existed. He naturally resisted tight grasps on his wrists, until necessity to remain with Skwisgaar made him eager to be shoved into the backseat of a grey Taurus. Skwisgaar looked to him for answers, for a plan of action, but what could they do when the door slammed shut and the man that first approached them dropped in the opposite side?

“We. . .we haves money,” Toki said. “Overs fifteen grand. We'll gives it all to you, if you just leaves us alone.”

“Ams in our wallets,” Skwisgaar continued when neither the man beside him or the two up front acknowledged them further. Although, what point laid in bribery when, if these men knew who they were, they could eventually claim so much more through ransom?

“Just stay quiet,” the driver finally replied. He turned the car back in the direction they'd come from.

It didn't matter if Toki once before experienced a kidnapping; he had no idea how to handle the situation. He felt twice as bad, when Skwisgaar pressed against him seeking guidance. The best Toki could do was slide his fingers through the other man's between their thighs, and try not to wonder what these people might have planned—nor that the situation could've been easily avoided, if not for their rebellious natures. 


	32. Paradise Isle

For the sake of noise, Toki wished that someone would turn the radio on. Silence gave his imagination too much space to function. However necessary, he didn't want to assess the situation. At least one of these men carried a gun, and their rough appearances indicated a similar lifestyle. What would they want with a couple international celebrities? Hopefully it was as innocent as money.

He looked around Skwisgaar, to the man seated behind the driver. “Ares we going back to Vegas?”

Green dashboard light illuminated a strong, round jaw. The man pushed it habitually forward while keeping his bottom lip between his teeth. A frown manipulating his heavy brow and dark eyes offered a thoughtful expression as default. He nodded nearly imperceptibly.

“Whats is your name?”

“Santos.” Then, tapping the driver and front passenger seats, “Brad, Jorge.”

“I guess you knows who we are,” Toki attempted to crack a smile somewhere in the car. It failed. “Um. . .whats is going to happen?”

“Not our decision,” Santos replied. “We're just delivery men.”

“To who?”

“You'll meet her tomorrow, when she gets back from Monterrey.” The man clapped Skwisgaar on the thigh, making him start. Toki's hand was squeezed tightly enough for his fingers to throb. “You'll be a nice homecoming gift.”

“Big fan, though.” Jorge turned around in his seat to look at Skwisgaar. “Saw you guys play in Austin, back in ninety-eight. Changed my life.”

“Ha, once a sheep fucker, always a sheep fucker,” Brad tossed in from the driver's side.

“Chupa mi pinga, chingada.” Jorge concentrated again on Skwisgaar as his two accomplices snickered. “Seriously, great show. I tried to get into the klokateers when you guys hit it big, but I guess you need to have both hands.”

He raised his left arm, which ended a few inches short of the wrist. “No biggie, although would be great if you still burned on CDs. Water's expensive enough to drink, let alone listen to Dethklok on.”

“We coulds put a word in, I guess.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “When we gets home.”

Another grunt from Santos denied Toki and Skwisgaar any sort of information as to what laid in store. A new hush befalling the car reminded all of the delicate circumstance, as well as which side of a solidly defined line they situated. Previous experience with this particular dance made Toki sensitive to Stockholm Syndrome; befriending their captors and seeing them as human could be dangerous. Then again, that could also be used to their advantage. If Santos, Brad, and Jorge were Dethklok fans, they might be more sympathetic and reasonable than someone like Magnus. Anything unsavoury happening to them would hinder future band material.

They hit Henderson again around ten o'clock. On the other side of the car door laid freedom. Toki rested his forehead against the window, fending the sudden urge to cry. People walked around out there, completely unaware that human prisoners rode past. How often had Toki done the same? He didn't want to think about how many people silently pleaded _he_ would look in their direction, concede to the unsettled pit in their stomach, and take down the license plate number. A patrol car situated on a corner only tormented him further.

Their luck wasn't destined to change as they entered North Las Vegas city limits. Toki expected them to revisit streets laden with shoddy architecture, bars, and quick-cash establishments, but those disappeared in lieu of middle-class neighbourhoods. While he puzzled why they'd come into a place where houses less than two decades old stood ten feet apart, he lost track of what streets they followed. He felt better—and a little sly—that he caught a sign saying Paradise Isle, although these men weren't stupid. If they at all worried he and Skwisgaar might get away, they would've been blindfolded and driven in circles in order to disorient.

The car pulled up to an off-white house with a couple stubby palm trees planted amongst rocks standing in for lawn. Brad pressed a button clipped to his visor to open the garage, and shut them into darkness before killing the engine. “Unless she tells you to address her otherwise, the woman you're going to meet's name is Ghostqueen. Si, she too is a fan, a rather large one.”

“So. . .” According to the car's clock, midnight had yet to pass. “Whats we do until then?”

“Come.”

Jorge opened the car door for them, then gestured to follow Santos and Brad into the house. Yet again, Toki's expectations were shot; for criminals, this house was immaculate. In fact, Brad's hand brought Toki to a stop on the mat inside. “Shoes off.”

A TV sounded further within, drawing the five of them. A couple more men, one eating Doritos and the other asleep, occupied the living room. Wiping his hands on a piece of paper towel, the conscious one furrowed his brow. “Where have you three been? Shift change was nearly an hour ago.

“Oy. _Oy!_ ” he barked in direction of the snores. “Good, I finally get to go home. You know how my old lady worries if I'm even ten seconds late. Who are these guys?”

The man barely came to Toki's chest; he and Skwisgaar both averted their gazes as he stood before them with his hands on his hips. Recognition sent him jumping about excitedly, expletives in both English and Spanish lighting up the room. “No way! You're fucking kidding me!”

Brawny arms formed a brief iron-grip around Toki's neck as a makeshift hug, bringing his shoulder to press against Skwisgaar's. He got a whiff of body odour and the spicy cologne this man failed to mask it with.

“Fuck my old lady, I'm sticking around.” Bouncing on his feet, the man looked around expectantly. “You putas going to introduce me, or what?”

Santos exhaled through his nose. “This one's Raùl, that's Fernando's fat ass on the couch. There isn't much to stick around for, anyway. We're going to feed 'em and let 'em use the bathroom before they can go down with the others.”

“Meat this prime doesn't sit at the bottom of the freezer, hombre. Let them stay up here. We'll hit Alestorm's on the corner, make a night of it.”

“You're making a run, si, but you're going to get food.” Brad dug in his pocket. “Here's sixty, go get us all some fajitas or something from La Terraza. We're starving. Chicken for me.”

Santos and Jorge both requested beef when pointed at in turn, but Toki hesitated. “Nones for me, thanks.”

“No no, we're treating you. Chicken or beef? I can't remember what other kinds they offer.”

If these guys were in charge of his well being for the next little while, Toki forewent his lack of appetite in order to remain compliant. “Beef, I guess.”

“Same,” Skwisgaar mumbled.

The surreality of being invited to sit after Raùl's departure struck Toki again. To think, if he hadn't drawn attention at that stupid bar, they could have reached Flagstaff by now. Actually, they wouldn't have even _left_ Vegas. They might still be at that first shitty motel, curled up against each other in sleep.

The one named Fernando flipped through the television channels, muttering something against infomercials, when movement in the corner of Toki's eye caught his attention. Hanging off the wall, a girl around ten years old with wild black hair rubbed her eye. She said something in Spanish, prompting Brad to lead her back toward the staircase. Not much effort convinced her to return upstairs, though not with one more curious glance through the rails into the living room. No explanation came, when Brad resituated.

Raùl was let back in about an hour later, leading all to the dining room table. Even though hunger couldn't exist further from Toki's stomach, he forced himself to swallow some rice and beans. What he really wanted to do was assure Skwisgaar that they would be all right. If these men truly planned to hold them against their will for an extended period, it wasn't nearly as bad as his and Abigail's ordeal. At least. . .not yet. Toki had to keep faith that, since their renowned status resonated with their captors, they would be treated like this until some purpose or end arose.

Their repackaged leftovers were set in the fridge, with their names scrawled across the top. Fidgeting, Raùl bounced on his feet on the other side of the table. “You want a drink? We have some tequila around here somewhere.”

Tempting, but Toki would rather keep his wits about him. Skwisgaar seemed content to follow his lead, shaking his head as well.

“Time for you to go home, Raùl,” Santos stated. “We're going to put them away so that they can get some sleep. They'll need time in the morning to get ready.”

“Ah. . .right.” Raùl's fist landed in the opposite palm. “Si, I bet Pilar is going to kill me, oho.”

“You can't tell her about this, you know that, right?”

“Si, si, I'm not stupid. . .”

Fernando disappeared as well. The television going off left the house far too quiet. It struck Toki again that, in every neighbouring house, white-collar families peacefully slept. Did they have any idea, who these people were?

“Bathroom's over here,” Jorge directed them. “If you need to do that, get a drink of water, eat more, or whatever, do it now. You won't have access to any of it until morning. Well, there's a bathroom downstairs, but it's full of tampons and shit.”

Unwilling to ask for an explanation, Toki went in first to empty his bladder. He peered over at the window in order to further investigate the house's security. While the front door was maneuverable with keys working various bolts simultaneously on either side, no way would this welded frame open short of a fist through the glass.

Skwisgaar took about half the time therein. With that and nothing else separating them from wherever these men poised to place them overnight, they were led down to the basement. A heavy door necessitated more use from the key ring Santos toted on his belt loop. After sticking his head into the abyss, he welcomed them in with a gesture.

Toki didn't budge yet. “Isn'ts there somewhere else we can go?”

“'Fraid not.”

The light filtering down from the top of the stairs offered little for sight; as soon as Skwisgaar's heel crossed the threshold, that disappeared. A window situated on the opposite wall, but a blind blocked the street's orange glow just enough for Toki to see the bars blocking their escape. Fingers felt out his hand.

“I don'ts get what am goings on,” Skwisgaar whispered. “Ams kidnappers always dat nice? And den dey just t'row us down here, anyway.”

“Guess is the way they ares? Is iffy to starts thinking this way, but I's grateful how easy it's been so. . .” Toki trailed off when a sigh sounded off to his left. “Uh, I's not a hundred perskents that we're alone.”

His back instinctively found a wall. Shushing Skwisgaar when the man tried to speak, Toki strained to listen. The darkness swelled and shrank with sleep—it coincided with the smell of sweaty flesh and dirty clothes. His eyes adjusting introduced more shapes. Hips, heads, then the cots they laid on. Another sigh, then cooing. The shrill cry of a baby pierced the air.

“Mijo. . .” A woman groaned. She shifted beneath the window, bringing the fussing infant into her arms. A huff of disgust incited her to seek out a fresh diaper; by then, Toki's ass situated against the floor along with Skwisgaar's. Feet pattered across the floor, then a light illuminated a young child in a bathroom doorway. She closed the door behind her.

“I don'ts t'ink dey know we am here,” Skwisgaar whispered.

“How manies do you think there are?” Toki estimated around twenty, but it felt like over a hundred. “Illegals immigrants?”

“Don'ts know.”

The toilet flushed, then the child emerged again. Before flicking off the switch, she double-glanced in Toki and Skwisgaar's direction. She crossed the room in the darkness. “¿Quien eres?”

“Uh. . .”

“¿De dónde vienes?”

“We can't speaks dat language.”

“Lucia!” another woman hissed, gaining her attention. They went back and forth in their native tongue before another figure stood over the guitarists. She too asked questions in Spanish before waving them off in frustration and retreating with her daughter. With Lucia situated back on her cot, her mother caused a small commotion by setting up a couple new beds. She tossed a pillow and blanket at both newcomers.

“Thanks you,” Toki said automatically. “Ums. . .gracias?”

“Si,” she stiffly replied. Her cot protested beneath her weight.

“Come on.” Toki pulled Skwisgaar back into a stand. “We mights as well lay down. Betters than sittings on the floor.”

“Cans we push de cots closer toget'er?”

“Let's try to does it quietly.”

Blackness always tended to make Toki feel under surveillance. Quite possibly, in this room full of people, they were. With his cot as close to Skwisgaar's as possible, he laid on his back and immediately reached for the other man. No way could he sleep.

Skwisgaar mirrored his restlessness. “What do you t'ink am goings to happen to us?”

“I don'ts know, elskling. But I nots going to lets anything bad comes your way.”

“Was it likes dis? Before?”

Toki shook his head, aware Skwisgaar couldn't see. “This pile of shit tastes a bits better. These guys like us. I thinks that maybe worth something. We won'ts get hurt and they won'ts cut our hands off, or anything. Maybes we'll gets lucky and they'll just want us to plays for them.”

“Why woulds dey bring us here in de forst place?”

“Somethings about a gift.” Toki's stomach dropped.

In the silence that fell between them, the woman and baby over by the window grew still again. Skwisgaar moved best he could with his creaky cot; hair brushed Toki's face shortly before breath. Needing comfort just as much, Toki felt out the other man's lips. Company helped, but guilt stabbed his stomach. If only he'd called an end to their trip. Then again, the klokateers never actually tailed them, in Vegas. That realization creeped Toki out enough to elicit a shudder. They truly were alone.

“Hey,” he softly whispered when his thumb grew wet. “Hey, don'ts cry.”

A sharp inhale met his request. “I wants to go home. I hates it here.”

“We'll gets there. Don't worry.” Abigail had said the same things; however unsure she was, she turned out right. Hopefully, Toki possessed similar truth. “Is just a bumps in the road. We'll gets out.”

“When? How?”

“I don'ts know, but we will. You haves my word, elskling. I's going to gets us home.”

The crook of Toki's neck dampened next. His heart broke for Skwisgaar, who didn't share his experience of inky isolation. In the grand scheme of things, this really wasn't so bad. Toki hadn't been whipped before being sent down to bear the cold in his underwear, and he didn't have an open wound along his ribcage. No crazed ex-guitarist yelled in his ear. Rather, he had a full stomach, empty bladder, and a warm albeit slightly uncomfortable bed. He and Skwisgaar remained together. But he remembered vividly the initial fear that came with such treatment, which went projected into the other man. For that, Toki's eyes moistened as well.

“Maybes try to sleep,” he suggested. “This is the kind of thing we takes day by day, minute by minute, second by second. We needs to be rested. We needs to be ready for anything.”

Skwisgaar only followed that advice because despondency exhausted him. Still holding his lax hand, Toki stared at the ceiling. Come on, Charles. . .with all your resources, can't you do something?


	33. Comfort

Disturbance from the room made Toki wonder if he'd drifted off at all, as dawn's pre-glow hit the blind. His sight adjusted well enough to make out Skwisgaar's features; dreams and reality weaving in and out of each other eased him toward the situation's actuality. They'd indeed been chased down in the desert and brought back to North Las Vegas. Charles, while searching for them, had no idea where they were. The men upstairs showed no sign they'd be released anytime soon.

Like Toki's liver filtering alcohol from his blood, he sobered right up from the previous fortnight's drunk. He _knew_ , when he and Skwisgaar bolted out of New England, that they put themselves in jeopardy. Before trouble found them, that presented the thrill. He as much as Skwisgaar wanted to pretend that a regular life was possible, should they choose it. The rest of the world disagreed, though. However they wished to thwart it, a hefty price remained on their head.

In hindsight, of course they shouldn't have done this. At least, not to such extent. Would it _really_ have mattered, if klokateers monitored their journey? They could still possess the illusion of independence and privacy. That way, as soon as bad people showed any interest in them, they could be safely yanked and returned home.

A sigh sounded from the cot beside him. “Toki?”

“You's awake?”

“Before I opens my eye, am we stills in dat terrible place, or was it just a horribles nightscare?”

“I'm sorry, elskling.”

“Fuck. . .” Another sigh, before Skwisgaar reached over to touch him. “Dids anyt'ing happen, yet?”

“Everyone still sleeping.” Toki squeezed his hand. “It suck and you probablies don't want to hear this, but is a waitings game. We'll finds out what they wants from us in a couples hour. Santos mentioned us gettings ready, so something's going to happen.”

“I hope it amn'ts bad. Ams all I can t'ink about. Ams all I can _dreams_ about.”

“I's going to do my best to make sure nothings bad happen to you. Just keeps in mind that this only temporaries. We're going to gets out of here eventuallies.”

“How you knows dat?”

“Because this is the most comfortables I's ever been, trapped somewhere. And afters dealing with Magnus and the Revengencers, I gots to say that I don'ts believe these guys actually means us harm. They wouldn'ts feed us, otherwise. They woulds has separateds us.” Toki situated his pillow over their cots' springs, so that he could move closer. “We takes it minute by minute, untils we cans make a break for it. If we gets to go back upstairs, we'll starts casing the place. Tries to find weaknesses. That bathroom we was in, we coulds punch the window and climbs out, if we neededs to. The door headings into the garage isn'ts as secured as the front door, and if we coulds get our hands on one of those garage door openers, that woulds be a good chance.”

“Don'ts you t'ink dey might expect somet'ing like dat?”

“Maybes. I's just giving you examples of things to look for. Down here is pretties much a shoe-in for no chance. If this where they keeps everyone, you cans guarantee there's only one way in or out. Hence the bars in the window.” Toki had yet to even figure out if these people were prisoners. They didn't behave as such. Or had they simply resigned to that fate? The presence of children leaned him toward aliens merely looking for a better life this side of the border.

“I cans hardly even t'ink about dis,” Skwisgaar whispered back. “We beens in some tight spots before, but. . .Toki, dese am just randoms people. How could Charles ever finds us here? What if he doesn'ts pick up our scent out of Montana? How shore ams we dat he evens got dat far? Maybes dey just don'ts cover Billings news down here.”

“Well. . .there's one thing these guys didn'ts think about, far as I cans tell.” Toki lowered his voice even further, just in case there was an English-speaking mole somewhere nearby. “The car. They lefts it on the side of the road. Bets you anything Charles wents to where the real owner buy their insurance, gots the VIN, and have it sets up to be contacted if it show up anywhere. Nevers know, by the end of today he mights be in Vegas.”

“How woulds he track us _here_ , though?”

“Gives him time.”

“How much times do we have? Realisticallys?”

“Is always enough. These people don'ts intend to hurt us, Skwis. Just remembers that.”

“But what abouts whoever dis Ghostqueen person ams?”

“She's a fans too. Remembers?”

“Ja, but. . .” Skwisgaar pressed his lips together. “She was in Monterrey. Moidaface and I watched a show abouts de cartel wars dat go on down dere. . .amn'ts very promising.”

“Skwis, I know is easier saids than done, but you needs to keep a positive attitudes about it. There isn'ts no use stressing, because we don'ts have any controls over the situation. Nots yet, anyway. We takes it as soon as we cans. So longs as they keeps treating us like this, is goings to be okay. I'm goings to protect you, no matter what. We remains compliant so that we stays together, and if anything come down on us, I takes the brunt. You don'ts need to worry.”

“I can'ts help it, dat I does.”

“I know, elskling.” Toki leaned over to kiss his forehead. The last week especially had gotten away from them. Letting his thoughts go anywhere and everywhere throughout the night made Toki groan at his antics. However aware that Skwisgaar brought out the worst in him—jealousy, pettiness, insecurity—he needed to smarten back up. How could Skwisgaar rely on him if he posed yet another opposition? “I wants you to hear something.”

“What?”

“I'm really, really sorry, for how I's been behaving. You must be blinds to how stupids I been, since you hasn'ts called me on it. I beens making fights where they didn'ts need to happen, and pissings you off just because.” Skwisgaar's nose earned a press of Toki's lips, next. “This isn'ts just a 'settles every fight we's ever had' trip, anymore. I fullys intend to gets us home, so you don'ts worry about a singles pretty hair on your head. You knows I not afraids to do whatever I has to.”

“Ams you talkings about killing?” Skwisgaar's eyebrows arched. “I don'ts want you to do dat again, though.”

“Is a last resort. I's just lettings you know how far I's willings to go for you. If is the difference between us being stucks here and beings able to go home, then is what Toki needs to do.”

“My gods, I can'ts believe dis am reallies happening.” Skwisgaar rested his head on the younger man's shoulder. “I t'inks I'm okay so longs as you ams around, but what if dey _do_ separate us? What den?”

“This house is big, but not _that_ bigs. We goings to bump shoulders, once in a while. If nots, we both keeps an eye for opportunities to gets out. I nots leaving without you, that's a fact you cans count on. We leaves together, or dies trying.”

“Please don'ts talk like dat.”

“Probablies not the best figures of speech to use.” Toki lightly scratched Skwisgaar's scalp, in hopes that it would help calm him. “All I means is that, far as I's concerned, is us against them. We goings to be a team. There isn'ts no more time for me to acts like a giants pissbaby with you. I gots to stop lettings my emotions get the best of me.”

Skwisgaar came as close as he could, given the awkwardness of the cots. “I don'ts want to t'ink about dis place, anymore. Cans we talk about somet'ing else for a while?”

“Likes what?”

“Anyt'ing, so long as it am goods and happy.”

Toki smiled. “Lets me say more, about how crazy you makes me. I'm sorry you hads to take the brunt of it. I'll tries for onlies the good crazy, from now ons.”

“Sometimes I likes it, though. Uh, nots when you ams getting down on yourself,” Skwisgaar clarified. “I'ves done everyt'ing I cans to make you feels equal to me, because I sees you dat way. Ams it helping?”

“Mhm. Is goings to be hard, when we goes home. I don'ts want to be unequals, again. Beings in the band make us that way. Can'ts help it, when you haves creative input and I don'ts.”

“In de general scheme of t'ing, we _ams_ equal. I wants you to keeps dat in mind. De rhythm guitar amn'ts lesser dan de lead, and maybes in Dethklok I gots to take a bits of de upper hand, but dat ams only one faction of our life. If I don'ts treat you like garbage, won'ts it make a difference in how you feels?”

“Is all the difference in the world, elskling.” Toki nodded. “And I won'ts be such a shit, when you tryings to make me sit still long enough to learns new material.”

“I'll gives you some solos,” Skwisgaar offered, “if you willings to put de time in to learns dem, or to makes your own.”

“I woulds appreciate that.” Toki felt just about ready, after the disaster in Lillehammer, to give it another shot. He might always be better off with someone else on stage with him; any solo forays never quite worked in his favour. However many times Dethklok played sold-out stadiums, stage fright remained a problem. “So, how _ares_ we going to tell everyone else that we's together?”

“ _Pff_ , just tells dem and lets dem deal. Dey ams big boys, Toki. Dey can handles a couple of deir friend hookings up. _Pffff_.”

Toki stifled a giggle. Even if he and Skwisgaar merely reached a truce out of desperation in their captivity, he wished to maintain the peace. Once they got out of here, Toki would do everything he could to keep his promises. Now that he pointed out his own shortcomings, he probably wouldn't be able to get away with as much as the last two weeks allowed. “This has been such a crazies trip. Because we been stucks together all this time, are we actually goings to be able to keeps this up, when we goes home?”

“I don't sees why not. We just gots to acknowledge dat gettings off de road wills require differents relatesingip skill. We won'ts be able to shells everyt'ing outs and den works our way backs to stable. You says dat you has beens ridiculous t'rough all dis, but I haven'ts been no differents. De way I sees it, you has onlies been very honest about where your insecurities lie. I underskand now, dat I has been pullings you dis way and dat for a lots of year. Lookings back at other time when you got melodramatics wit' me, I can sees dat you was going through de same t'ing. Feels free to corrects me.”

“No. . .you's right. This is the last times, I promise. I thinks I got it all out of my systems.”

“De way I see it, you acts like dat when you amn'ts comfortable arounds me. I haves to conclude dat evens though you mades it very clear you wanted somet'ing to comes of us, you _weren'ts_ comfortable for a lots of dis road trip. Ams dat still true?”

“Kind of. I still nots very sure how we goings to figure out you wantings to be with more people, yet. You haves made strides toward beings a straight-talker, but I worries I pushed you into beings with me. I _definitely_ pushed you to tells me more than you wanteds, about what happen to you when you was a kid. I just beens pushy, period.”

“De only way we cans both be shore about what kind of longevity comes from dis am to gives it time. Dere am a big difference between us gettings toget'er because we couldn'ts get away from each other, and gettings toget'er because we ams drawn to each other.”

“And where does you think we falls, on that?” Despite the possibility that logic might dictate this _not_ pan out, Toki held his emotions at bay.

“I t'inks it am a bits of both. Beings pushed gaves us de opportunities to be drawns together. I sees dat it am tiltings more towards being drawn. I don'ts feel forced at all to be arounds you. I wants to be.”

“Evens if I beens a big baby?”

“Evens den, because I knows dat amn'ts how you always am. I expecks dat when t'ing calm down, you wills too.”

“What if I didn'ts?”

“Den gets ready to be calleds on it, because I wants a relatesingip wit' a man, not a baby.”

Toki smiled to receive a kiss on the cheek. “I needs you to holds me to a standard, Skwis. Is importants that I makes you happy. I nots doing that, if I beings annoying.”

“You can'ts help dat you ams a passionate porson. Dere ams a line between dat and beings a brat, though. We'll make shore neithers of us ams bad for dat, ja? I ams just as capables of bad behaviour.”

“Deal.” Toki nuzzled the other man's temple. “I really wants this to work, Skwis. I don'ts want this to be caughts up in a feelings tornado just because we been stuck together for so longs. I wents a bit crazy there, with a singles goal in mind.”

“We nevers got any time to let t'ing simmer on de road, so ams easy to gets carried away. Dat said, I stands by dat you didn'ts wear me down. I wouldn'ts have comes into dis if I didn'ts want to. I woulds has been contents to lets it be a fling, or for us to be fuck buddies, if I didn'ts care about you dis way. You ams good in bed either way. Like, holy shits.”

Toki chuckled, cheeks warming. “You's just sayings that to be nice.”

“Just takes de compliment, before I calls you on beings unsecure.”

“I _am_ unsecure. Is hard to believe, after so long, that you might feels a fraction for me what I does for you.”

“It get to a point sometime dat you blindlies reject de nice t'ing I says. Ams frustratings, especiallies when you wants me to say nice t'ing, den you just push me away. Mixed signals amn'ts any fun.”

“I'll tries harder nots to let myself doubt you. I's the same, abouts not trusting very easilies. I wants to let you haves the power you holds over me, because I know I wills be so happy if you handles it responsibly. That mights be something that we needs to leave up to time, too.” Toki pressed his lips together. “Sorry.”

“Dat ams fine, so longs as you gives me de opportunity to makes up for all de time I fuckeds around wit' you. Insteads of going on de defensive, _talks_ to me. I know it amn'ts very metal, but. . .” Skwisgaar shrugged. “Neither am squabblings like children, when we coulds be fucking instead. I woulds always rat'er be fucking.”

“I knows, elskling. You don'ts got to tells me that.”

Toki shook just as much with suppressed laughter. Someone nearby shushing them broke the good mood they'd worked so hard to establish. With reminder of where they were, however much they remedied, their smiles slipped away.

“I t'inks I might tries to get some more sleep,” Skwisgaar whispered. “Whats about you?”

“Maybes. We'll see.” Toki sacrificed a prospective numb arm in order for him to feel safe. He closed his eyes, cheek to the top of Skwisgaar's head, but kept one ear open for movement upstairs. 


	34. Midlife Crisis

Some of the women woke up first; Toki's eyes cracked to see them folding clothes and hushing their children, then dozed back off. The same baby as last night jarred him from further hope of sleep. By then, a line formed at the bathroom door and direct sunlight on the window turned everyone orange.

“Oogh, I thoughts it was only on TV dat babies wake you up.” Skwisgaar yawned.

“Babies cry whenevers they need to.” Toki never lived with one in the house through his youth, but he had peers that complained about their infant siblings. “Can't sleeps through it for a reason.”

“I hopes every night amn'ts like dis.”

“Mights need to get used to it.”

“Ugh, don'ts talk like dat.” Putting his back to the rest of the room, Skwisgaar tightened his grip on Toki's waist. “If I close my eye, I cans pretend dat all dis am de motel room TV. I don'ts want to deal wit' anyt'ing.”

Toki's head jolted off the pillow when the door lock clicked open. Other people glanced over too, making this seem normal. Santos, surly as ever, pushed it open against the wall before retreating. Some of the people waiting in line for the toilet followed him upstairs, a couple of the kids chatting animatedly in their native tongue.

“Do you t'ink we ams free to move around?”

“Onlies one way to finds out, I guess.”

They let the room empty out some more; a couple women tended to the men's facial hair before sending them along upstairs. Toki averted his gaze out of respect as their wives—or possibly sisters, he couldn't assume—dressed in light blue shirts, pulled their dark hair back into buns, and too headed for the main floor.

When only those in charge of caring for the non-school age children remained, Toki sat up. “Feels weird, but I guess we mights as well go see what goings on?”

A crowd blocked the top of the stairs, lined up for the garage door. They parted best they could, however tight it became. Free of that, Toki nearly felt relieved to see Jorge. To contrast Santos, he appeared cheerful. “Ah, I was just going to come get you. Follow me upstairs.”

“Where's everyone goings?” Skwisgaar asked. “Dey looks like dey go to work.”

“Si, they have jobs around here. The men do construction, some of the women clean, some go to work in a couple different restaurants.”

“Ams you goings to make us do dat too?”

“No one's making you do anything.”

“But dis am one of dem t'ing where you can'ts let us go because you t'ink we goings to fucks you over, right?” They followed Jorge through the unfurnished master bedroom, into the adjoined suite. “We gots to go home, dude. Dere ams a millions billions goofballs dependings on us to writes music. We can't stays here forever.”

“Again, not up to me.” Jorge indicated the large tub. “Get cleaned up, anyway. Everything you need should be in here. Which of you's going first? Whoever's not can heat up their food, help themselves to anything in the kitchen, whatever.”

“Why can'ts we stay together?” Toki suggested. “We woulds rather do it this way.”

Jorge shrugged after looking between them. “Whatever you want. Just come find me when you're all finished.”

“Dis am so fuckings weird,” Skwisgaar muttered under his breath when Jorge closed the bathroom door on his way out. “I don'ts get what dis am. Dey goings to give us all de freedoms we want, so longs as we inside dese walls?”

“I's not sure. I's just happy for now that is still pretty lax.” Toki pulled his shirt off.

“Do you t'ink dey ams lulling us into a false sense of security?”

“No one else is worried, so is hard to.”

“Ja, but dey gets to leave. We don'ts.”

“We meeting somebody.” Leaned over the bathtub, Toki set the water to a favourable temperature. “Remembers what I said about takings thing as they come? Rights now, they's letting us clean up, we gets to take a bath together, and we gets to eat after.”

“Woulds you be totallies offended if I fell asleeps in here?” Skwisgaar unzipped his fly. “After sleepings in my bed back home, dat cot dids me no favours. Nots dat motel beds am great. . .but evens dose am better dan what we puts up wit', last night.”

“Does whatever you needs, elskling.”

When the tub filled, Skwisgaar sunk immediately to his chin. “Ugh. Didn'ts t'ink I woulds be so comfortable going through somet'ing like dis.”

“Weirdlies, we better off here than at a motel. Look at the size of this tub.” Toki pulled Skwisgaar's legs over his lap. “Betters than standings all hunched together in a dark shower.”

“I just wish I coulds make sense of it all. If not'ing bad going to happen to us, den what ams de plan? Does dis lady just wants to meet us? Gets an autograph? Have her pickster takens wit' us?”

“No tellings. I's having a really hard time believings is anything sinister, though.”

“Guess we can'ts know untils we meet her.”

Left to their own devices and truly alone this time, Toki put off cleaning himself. He fiddled with the buttons next to the tap and was rewarded with a groan from Skwisgaar as he activated the jets.

“I ams in my own bathtub, a krillions mile away from dis place. . .” Skwisgaar tried to convince himself. His eyes cracked open when Toki pulled him to sit between his legs; strong hands kneaded into tense shoulder muscle. “All I needs am a blow job, and I wills be totallies convinced I ams just on a reallies weird vacation.”

“I gives you one, but lets me do this first. Ares you sore, from sleeping on the cot?”

“Ams too long for it, I guess. I used to be ables to crash anywhere, but I t'ink dem days am behind me.”

“Neithers of us are thats kind of young, anymore. Does you remember when you coulds go on a reallies hard bender and wakes up the next morning _not_ feelings like you shoulds kill yourself?”

“Or nots needing a week to recuperates?”

“Coulds eat a really greasy burger, chugs a beer, and gets right back on the horse.”

“Huh, I guess we nevers going to be ables to do dat again, ams we?”

“Once in a while. There comes a points in your life, I guess, when you willings to let that go. Can'ts go on like that forever.”

“I wants to argue dat, but I gots to admit dat beings drunk am changings from what it was in my teens or twenties. Has becomes de difference betweens a party wit' all your friends and sittings alone in a dark bar while sad country musics play on de juke box. Dat don'ts mean I readies to let all dat go, yet. Guess. . .you know, ams like any other part of gettings old.”

“Does you _feel_ old?”

“Sometimes. You know, gots to stretch more befores I gets up in de morning, can'ts eat whatevers I want to, tornings more into a grouchies old prick everyday.”

Toki snorted. “You always been a grouchies prick, though.”

“Ja, but now I'ms _old_. Does you remember being around some old geezer and dey ams rantings about how peoples younger dan dem suck, and all dat? Dat ams _me_ , now.”

“How? You stills one of the youngest ones in the band. We aren'ts around kids hardly ever, so who's you going to shits on?”

“Nat'an, I guess. He ams de only one ot'er dan you who ams younger dan me.”

“Onlies by a few months. I woulds be careful anyway, because he mights be fat but he can stills give a good punch.”

“Huh, tells me about it. He punch me nots long before we lefts, because I trieds to sneak a Dorito from he bag.”

“A _Dorito?_ The fucks you complaining about, asshole, you totalies deserved it, then.” Toki kissed Skwisgaar's ear with a chuckle. “A fuckings Dorito. Classics.”

“Just. . .hey.” Skwisgaar turned his head in the younger man's direction. “Don'ts let me torn into one of dem weirdos dat buy a sports car, ditch deir wife, and starts pretending I ams twenty again.”

“Well, we stoles a Mustang, ditched the band, and we's been _fucking_ like twenty year olds. . .”

“Oh gods, I'ms having a midlife crisis, amn'ts I?”

“Psh, nah. Hopes not, anyway. Don'ts really feel like beings a pawn in something like that.” With no more knots protruding where he worked on Skwisgaar, Toki pulled the man to lean back against him. “I thinks you okay, though. Mustang was a coincidence, we neededs to get away from the guys however olds we are, and I thinks is normal to fucks like this when you first messings around with someone else. Especially when is you, because when has you evers fucked like you _weren'ts_ twenty years old?”

“Hm. Good point, I guess.” Skwisgaar's unshaven cheek scratched Toki's nose. “I'ms a little surprised you beens able to keeps up wit' me, actually.”

“Me too. Mights taper, when the novelties wear off. For now, though, you cans just _look_ at me and I's ready to go again.”

In attempt to prove that, Skwisgaar turned around completely. It didn't seem intentional that he remain between Toki's legs until a smirk interrupted the contact between their lips. “You evers curious?”

“Abouts. . .?”

“You saids you did some stuffs on your own. Likes what?”

Good thing Skwisgaar attached himself to Toki's collar bone, otherwise he might've laughed at the half-aroused, half-flustered expression on his lover's face. Skwisgaar remained the only person Toki could bottom for, should his trust issues relinquish enough. Trying to imagine that intrusion on his body being as comfortable as Skwisgaar impressed, he blushed. “I. . .hads a bad run-in with that dildo I accidentallies bought.”

“Whats you mean?”

“Why I gots to spells it out for you, what cans go wrong when you drunk and gots no idea what you doing?”

“You cans get hort or fruskrateds. . .not to mentions de whole sanitaries part of it.”

“Ugh, triples check.”

Skwisgaar chuckled. “Meh. We alls been dere.”

“Trieds to get a finger in there once in a while, but it nevers really pan out.”

“What ams you doings wrong?”

“Maybes you could tell _me._ ”

“Bets a big t'ing am dat you just aren'ts relaxed enough. You knows, based on my experience wit' you.” To demonstrate, Skwisgaar's fingers delved beyond his sac. Toki clenched up as soon as they got close, squeezing the older man as well between his thighs. Submersion did nothing to quell Toki feeling exposed and uneasily helpless. “Lets me do somet'ing.”

“Likes what?”

“What I dids before.”

Toki felt awkward, leaned over the edge of the tub with his cheek against cool porcelain, but he tried to calm down for Skwisgaar's sake. Even as he grew used to fingers other than his own massaging the entrance, a swallow came with difficulty. “You should seriouslies wait untils I trimmed, or something.”

“You t'inks I scareds of a little hair? Dere amn'ts as much as you seem to t'ink.” Skwisgaar pulled his cheeks apart and curled Toki's fingers with longing to touch himself, thanks to a lingering caress of his tongue. “Your job rights now am to takes a load off. Just enjoys dis for what it ams.”

Even as Skwisgaar lulled Toki toward that, Toki bit back any possible noise. He kept in mind that they shared relatively close proximity with lots of other people, and Jorge could return with no notice in order to hurry them up. Regardless, Toki turned his warm face into the tiles and grinned. “You cans try, if you want.”

“Try whats?”

“To fingers me, or fucks me. Whatsever.”

“Wit' what lubes, älskling?”

Skwisgaar's low voice melted Toki even further; a quiet moan echoed against where his lips rested. “I don'ts even _care_ , just do _something_.”

“Hm. . .” Splashing followed a pause, as Skwisgaar reached for some lotion on the counter. “Might feels different, but it'll work. Won'ts be ables to fuck you, but I promise you'll likes dis just as much, wit' how much experience you haves.”

“Okay.”

A thicker slipperiness, distinct from lube, water, and spit, cooled Toki's entrance. He worried for a second that Skwisgaar would stick him without further preparation, but the man's thumb drew small circles again. “So what exactlies happen, wit' dat dildo?”

“Didn'ts think about workings up to it,” Toki replied. “Gots it enough in to hurts, so I just gaves up and jacked off insteads. It was stills a little sore after, but nots as bad as whens I wents to sit in the hot tub, wowie.”

Skwisgaar hissed in sympathy. “Ja, I can feels dat.”

“Puts me off it. Kind of regrets that, now.”

“Mm.” Correct pressure popped Toki's eyes open; one eyebrow rose with permeation of his sphincter, then he stifled a new moan when knuckles rested in his crack. Were he in a position that allowed, his toes would've cracked against the tub's bottom as Skwisgaar maintained motion. “See, dere amn'ts anyt'ing to it. You just start smalls, and gets a feel. You likes it?”

“Uh huh.”

A sad noise died in Toki's throat when he already went vacant. However, a nudge to his hip compelled him to shift. “Moves down a bit.”

Toki stopped where the jet was most concentrated on his cock, snorting. “This feel so juveniles.”

“Say whats you want. If it feel good, dat am all dat matters.”

A re-slicked finger in his ass and attention to the adamant organ easily convinced Toki that Skwisgaar was some kind of genius. He'd barely gotten over the thrill of bodily intrusion when the introduction of a second finger gave him a taste for pressure. A painful sensation on his arm touched his brain before the realization that he himself bit down in order to avoid crying out. Experimentally, he caught rhythm with long, slim digits. The water pelting his erection altered current, catching him like a car changing gears.

Suspicion that Skwisgaar stilled, preferring to indulge Toki's rhythmic hips, went confirmed as he kissed the younger man's spine. “You hads me t'inking dat you wouldn'ts like somet'ing in your ass.”

“Woulds that have disappointeds you?”

“Ja, problies. I'ms going to cums unsbarrassingly fast, when you lets me fuck you.”

The very thought of it was all Toki needed. His nails couldn't make a grip on the porcelain, and he didn't care about volume long enough to gasp his lover's name. The clench and release he familiarized with in Skwisgaar's pelvic floor became so much more precious, as empathy shed light on Skwisgaar's predilection. He thought he'd hate feeling loose and slippery, but it only made Toki want to go immediately again. Instead though, he raised his ass when easily-given permission landed turgid flesh sliding between his cheeks.

“Ams okay if I cums on you?”

“Ja.” However pliant Toki felt, he still assumed some control. “But you gots to lick it off after.”

Erratic thrusts seemed a distance from Skwisgaar's usually calm and collected demeanour. However nice for Skwisgaar to use his body like this for selfish pleasure, Toki aspired to experience hips colliding with his own. He grew doubly conscious of emptiness as, instead of Skwisgaar leaving a piece of himself deep therein, it spattered as far as his shoulder blades.

“We shoulds probablies drain the tub, if we wants to make an actual attempt at gettings clean.” Toki squirmed as Skwisgaar lapped up his mess, working his way closer. “But I feels way better. Gots to say.”

“I neededs dat too.”

Skwisgaar slumping beside Toki allowed him to get off his knees. Between those and where the tub's edge dug into his abdomen, Toki felt a little worse for wear. At least his ass didn't hurt, though. “Wowie.”

“Coulds I toots my own horn and says dat I dids good?”

“Ja, goes ahead. You deserves it.” 


	35. Raina

Cleaning up so thoroughly defeated the purpose to redress in their old clothes. Jorge immediately moved to fix that when Toki and Skwisgaar found him in the kitchen. The ten year old girl that Toki glimpsed the night before helped one of the adult women with the dirty cookware.

“Mm!” Jorge rushed to swallow his mouthful of egg. The young girl peered over with large, brown eyes when he addressed her in Spanish. “Follow María, she'll give you something fresh to wear.”

At the base of the stairs, María handed them each a neatly folded pile of ironed clothes. They took turns changing in the bathroom; Toki buttoned the short-sleeved guayabera on his way out, then worked his feet into the provided pair of sandals. When Skwisgaar emerged in a white shirt to contrast Toki's pale blue, as well as matching khakis, Toki smiled. “You looks nice.”

“I looks tired, am hows I look.”

“Maybes, but still smart.” Nimble fingers captivated Toki as they rapidly bound the shirt's front. “And you smells good, too.”

“ _Pff_.” They wore the same deodorant and cologne, as was available in the bathroom, but in Toki's opinion it mingled so much better with Skwisgaar's natural pheromones. If they weren't in plain sight of the kitchen—and had the option to find a private nook—the younger man would happily bury his face into the crook of Skwisgaar's neck for an indefinite period of time.

“Go aheads and scoff, is true.” Toki snuck a pat on the ass when their hips bumped. Back in the kitchen, María had already warmed their leftovers and set them out on the island table.

Jorge leaned against the other side. “We'll leave as soon as you're finished. Ghostqueen arrived home this morning, and is expecting us.”

“Who ams dis lady?” Skwisgaar lazily compiled the various ingredients on his plate into a tortilla wrap. “Where does she live?”

“About half an hour away. Santos and I will drive you. María belongs to her, as well.” Jorge tugged one of the girl's braids when she passed, eliciting a smile. “We watch her, when her Mama goes away.”

“I didn'ts realize we was leavings,” Toki said. “I thoughts this _was_ her house.”

“One of them.”

How annoying, that all the information they accumulated about this location's weak spots was about to be thwarted. Toki didn't want to go somewhere else after making himself comfortable, either. Although they'd only been here a mere twelve hours, he had a decent understanding of the routine. The kids would return from school in the late afternoon, then the adults around dinner time. The evening was split between bathing and recreation, then rinse-repeat their experience thus far as everyone eventually found their cots. What awaited them with this woman? Toki couldn't see her as evil-spirited, since María grew steadily more anxious to get out the door. When their plates had been cleaned, she smiled widely as Jorge announced he'd round Santos up.

As soon as the car door closed behind Toki, he tried the handle. Just as he suspected, locked or unlocked, it didn't open from the inside. Damn. At risk of road burn, he was going to suggest he and Skwisgaar bail at a red light. If they exited the vehicle—especially in heavy traffic—how could their captors round them back up without garnering attention from the authorities?

Santos sat on Skwisgaar's other side again, Jorge took the wheel, and María buckled up in front of Toki. He caught glimpses of her head on either side of the rest as she took in the sights. Was she naturally excitable, or did she ever even get out? It struck Toki as odd that she didn't attend school with the rest of the children. She didn't seem to speak English either, judging by how her eyes glazed whenever they and Jorge had chatted in their collective second language.

They headed west through neighbourhoods Toki didn't recognize until they turned south onto Rainbow, at the very highway he and Skwisgaar first drove into Vegas on. Another quarter hour passed until the turning signals clicked for a right turn. More affluent neighbourhoods came up, like the one they'd left behind. However, these houses were grander, with larger yards and actual grass sprawling toward the sidewalks. Toki couldn't help but notice that Hispanics curbed the landscaping businesses; by any chance, would they see some of the same faces from that morning?

They pulled up to a beige house with red terracotta roofing, where the lawn boasted still-fresh lines from a mower. Even in its garage, where they pulled up beside a silver Escalade, Toki could smell the cut. María's flip-flops clapped against the smooth concrete as she hustled over to the door. Before Santos had the chance to fiddle with his heavy-laden key ring, the locks undid themselves. Toki only got the flash of someone as María launched herself for a hug. “Mama!”

“Hola, Mija.” A well-dressed woman with a long, sleek ponytail kissed the young girl on top of the head. When she stood straight, she was barely a head taller. Compared to Santos and Jorge, who both about reached Toki's nose, she appeared to be another child. Toki's stomach dropped as, after saying her hellos to their escorts, she studied him and Skwisgaar from a healthy distance in the dim light. “So, these are the gift you were talking about? What would I do with them?”

“Look closer.”

Toki noted green nail polish on her toes, as he averted his gaze. Though it was inevitable, Toki liked to think he could hide behind his and Skwisgaar's slightly faded disguises.

“María.” The very air seemed to change, when the woman realized just whom had been presented to her. An order to go inside—Toki assumed, anyway—left only adults in the garage. To help her see, Santos flicked the lights. “I don't believe this. Where did you find them?”

“Downtown Vegas, in a bar. We thought you might be interested.”

“This could be incredibly stupid,” she snapped. “Is it worth risking everything, to bring me these? Do you really think something this valuable would just be walking around, fit for anyone to grab? What if the police or their klokateers followed you back to the house? What would you do then, before I skinned you alive?”

“Mama, they're on their own. We wouldn't bring them if we concluded they had bodyguards or escorts.”

“Si, we monitored them for a full twenty-four hours before making the decision. They have no identification, and no one but us was watching their motel. We would've seen someone else following them around the Strip. No tracking devices in the vehicle they were driving, either.”

“And where is that vehicle now?”

“Uh. . .”

Despite the situation, Toki bit back a smirk as Jorge and Santos' eyes widened from realization of their mistake. Their excitement to present their finding transformed to a hefty sulk as each earned a sharp slap to the face. “Well? Which one of you pendejos can answer?”

“The desert,” Jorge mumbled.

“Are specifics too much for your tiny brain to handle?”

“Arizona, on the side of the road.”

“Neither of you meatheads thought to drive it back with you? To be properly disposed of?”

“We kind of. . .shot the back tires out.”

Ghostqueen sighed shortly, in irritation. “Is it any wonder, why I keep you around? I should have called it, when you fucked up in Mexicali. This is too much.”

“But how will anyone know they're _here?_ ” Jorge gestured at Toki and Skwisgaar. “They spent the night up in North Las Vegas, with us. Don't you think, if their manager could find them, he would've shown up by now?”

“Did you examine them extensively?” The woman glanced back over her shoulder. “Strip search, check for metal? You never know, he may have implanted them with tracking devices. These are his bread and butter, after all.”

“No. . .”

“So why are you still standing there, staring at me like a couple of fish? Do your job. Now!”

Jorge took Toki by the upper arm, while Santos handled Skwisgaar. Nothing killed Toki's amusement quicker than a dulled sparkle in the man's eye. Thanks to the reprimand, Toki lost whom he perceived as a hesitant ally through this entire mess. Jorge gestured at him when they stood behind a closed bathroom door. “Take off your clothes.”

“I haves to?” However hesitant, Toki started at the top of his shirt buttons. He still wished to appeal to Jorge's human side. “Is she always that means to you guys?”

“Just. . .don't talk anymore, hombre. Let's get this over with.”

“You aren'ts going to puts your finger in my butt or anythings, are you?”

“Squat-and-cough should do.”

Toki laid his shirt over the counter and had his thumbs in his pants' waistline when an outburst elsewhere in the house startled him. It took a second to recognize Skwisgaar's voice, thanks to the panic attached to it. “No fuckings way, you amn'ts doing dat—gets _away_ from me!”

Santos' reply came as a mumble comparatively, then he hollered for Jorge's assistance when Skwisgaar continued to resist. The order to stay put fell deaf on Toki's ears, but the bathroom door slammed in his face when he tried to follow. Just like the doors leading to the street, this one too locked from the outside. Toki rattled the knob anyway; the single thought to get to Skwisgaar, to protect him from whatever they did, made his brain go fuzzy.

More anxiety than relief came with a lapse of desperate pleas, for they merely turned into whimpering. Unable to escape his own holding, Toki pressed his ear to the door. He cringed when Santos spoke again. “There. Not so bad, was it?”

“What dids you do to him?” Toki demanded when Jorge returned. Skwisgaar didn't yield easily; blood dried on the man's upper lip, and he tenderly inspected his nose in the mirror. “What happened? Why was he yellings like that?”

“Didn't care for a cavity search. Why aren't you fully undressed yet?” Jorge snapped. “Hurry the fuck up, or we'll do the same to you.”

When the hell would either he or Skwisgaar have the chance to stick something in their asses? Sure, maybe they were left alone for extended periods of time through all this, but what did they even _have_ , to smuggle? Shoving something up there was Toki's last thought, when they were forced to a stop in the middle of the Mojave Desert.

It was humiliating enough to squat down, in order to prove that. The sense of violation would only increase tenfold, if touched. Considering Skwisgaar's past with such horrors, Toki teared up as a sense of utmost failure took him over. He'd promised nothing bad would happen to the man, and he still stood by the notion that he'd take it so that Skwisgaar didn't have to. The corners of Toki's mouth pulled downward as he redressed, when given permission.

A short knock came at the door, followed by Santos poking his head in. Like Jorge, he sustained some damage; his eye socket showed the beginning signs of a bruise. “Here, scan him over.”

Jorge accepted the metal detector wand. “Clean?”

“Si, nothing.”

Toki came up similarly. Tunnel vision ensured he remembered nothing of the house between the bathroom and a drawing room, where Skwisgaar curled into himself on one of the couches. Even from a distance, Toki could see him tremble. Jorge left them alone; before the door clicked shut, Toki already lowered onto the furniture. “Hey.”

Skwisgaar used Toki to bear his weight, bringing an arm around him. Toki's eyes prickled again when a couple wracks of the older man's body preceded a stifled sob.

“I'm sorries.” Toki rocked him. What else could he even say? Sure, he tried to help, but what good did _that_ do, when it'd already happened?

“Gets me out of here.”

“I wish I coulds. I'm sorry, Skwis. . .believes me, I don'ts want to do anything more than thats, right now.”

“I woulds rather die dan deals wit' dis for one more minute.”

Unsure what else to do or say, Toki kept him close. His grip tightened when the drawing room door opened again. The woman dubbed Ghostqueen entered first, followed closely by the two men. They hung close to the door while she pushed an ottoman to sit before Toki and Skwisgaar. Although Toki could do nothing but hate her guts, he forced himself to look at her. He needed to know who they dealt with. Just like with the house, he needed to start finding weaknesses.

An impassive mask much like Skwisgaar's default expression peered back. Blue shadow coloured her eyelids, while red darkened her lips. At first Toki thought she was younger than them; she concealed bags under her eyes and lines impressed along her cheekbones, though. Despite holding onto youth by way of skin, she wore some scars indicative of her lifestyle. Her right earlobe had a chunk missing, and jagged scars marred her neck and left arm. Toki recognized the pit-like pockmark near her elbow as one left from a bullet.

“No one knows where you are, do they?”

No point answering. She already knew, judging by a new, unfriendly smile.

“So let me tell you what's going to happen.” Leaned over her knees, Ghostqueen looked between them. “You belong to me, now. You won't be leaving. You won't go by your birth names anymore either, so from now on you will be referred to as Alejandro—” she pointed at Skwisgaar, then Toki, “—and Sebastian.”

“We aren'ts pets,” Toki shot at her. “We's human beings.”

“Of course, mijo. No one said otherwise.”

“You've treateds us like chattel since we gots here. You talks about us likes we's things your cronies found downtown, you violates our bodies, and now you says we belongs to you. Tries again.”

“Hm.” Ghostqueen's eyes narrowed. “I can tell that you and I aren't going to get along, very well.”

“You're damn rights! You can'ts do these kind of things and expects eithers of us to be happy.”

Disregarding him, the woman looked back at her compatriots. “Where's María at, in getting those rooms ready?”

“I'll go find out,” Santos volunteered. With one less in their company, she turned back.

“One thing you'll learn about me, is that I can be very reasonable. You behave, I will reward you. You act like a little shit, I'll do all in my power to make sure you're as unhappy as possible. You won't be treated as pets, but as sons.” Toki didn't at _all_ trust the seemingly genuine smile that graced her face. “Now that I'm certain your being here doesn't jeopardize anything I've worked incredibly hard to build, we'll start over. I apologize for how I had my other boys treat you, upon arrival. It's rather standard, actually. You must understand, I've dealt with some nefarious characters in past. I cannot help but be a little. . .paranoid.”

“Doesn'ts give you any right for someone to puts their fingers in him, when he don'ts want you to.”

“It's an uncomfortable experience, one of which we've all encountered. You were warned, Alejandro, that it would happen if you did not cooperate.”

“Don'ts you dare blame _him_ , for feelings violated.”

“Does he not speak for himself?” Her eyes narrowed again. “No matter, my apology is still up for acceptance. I don't expect you two to trust me right away, since you're only newcomers. I'll give you time to get cozy. Once María's finished making your beds, you'll be shown to your rooms. I cannot offer you anything as grandiose and lavish as Mordhaus, but you'll each have private bathrooms and access to anywhere with an unlocked door. If you aren't satisfied with the food, let me know what you'd prefer and I will prepare that instead.”

Unwilling to speak, Toki shrugged.

“So you concentrate on that. I assume my boys introduced me as Ghostqueen, which is my business sobriquet. My name is Raina, but everyone refers to me as Mama. You will, too.”

“Mama.” Proving that, María entered the room with Santos not far behind. With the apparent announcement that the girl had completed her most recent chore, Raina stood. “María will take you to your rooms, now.”

With little other choice, Toki helped Skwisgaar stand. They were going to be separated? Before that could happen, he kept Skwisgaar as close as possible. María hummed a tune as she led them to the second floor, pointing at one door. Mention of Skwisgaar's new nickname forced the older man to peel himself away from Toki's side.

“It'll be okays, elskling,” Toki assured him, despite not really having any idea. “Just stay strongs, all right?”

His blotchy face haunted Toki when he and María came to the next room. Immediately, Toki pushed the queen-sized bed against the wall separating him and Skwisgaar. When he quietly knocked, one came back.

“Skwis, cans you hear me?”

“Ja.”

“Sits with me. We's lucky to still be pretties close.”

“It doesn'ts even matter. You mights as well be a millions miles away.” When Skwisgaar spoke again, his previous upset had returned. “I wish you were ins here.”

“Me too, elskling. Me too.” Especially when quiet sniffles permeated the wall. Toki rested his temple against it, fingertips roaming in need to offer comfort. He wished he'd braced for something like this to happen, but even when expecting and already having _experienced_ the worst, nothing prepared him for something as simple as physical barrier. 


	36. Mama

Toki listened to Skwisgaar, until a lapse in noise and creak of the bed indicated he'd probably fallen asleep. Following suit situated far from Toki's mind; instead, he explored his room. It wasn't much smaller than his space at Mordhaus, and more light came through the stiff, unmovable blinds. The single pane of glass appeared thicker than usual—same went for the bathroom counterpart. With no immediate way to escape—not that Toki would, for fear of what would happen to Skwisgaar—he familiarized himself instead.

It appeared no different than a fancy hotel. Toki moved his bedside table to coincide with his bed's new position, then checked its drawers along with those on the dresser. All were empty. The bathroom's boasted the basics for personal care, as well as standard necessities beneath the sink.

The television atop the dresser seemed the only way to keep himself preoccupied. How long, until he grew bored of that? Was he meant to remain a caged rat until the end of his days? Would he ever get to see Skwisgaar again, or would their communication be limited to muffled voices behind the wall?

Noise from downstairs compelled Toki to sit beside his door and attempt to eavesdrop, but even if Raina's voice wafted up he still couldn't comprehend Spanish. She chatted with María; their bubbly conversation only broke with laughter, making Toki feel like a ghost. Neither behaved as though two terrified men occupied the upper floor. Was María familiar with this? How many prisoners came before them? Or did their status create an exception?

Toki's heart picked up its pace when Raina ascended the stairs. However, she passed his room and closed a different door further down the hallway. Silence to follow except for María puttering around discouraged Toki that anything pertinent might occur. Bored already, he turned the television on.

No news existed still of Ludwig's murder. Hundreds of channels offered Toki more certainty that Charles tracked them as far as he'd hoped; his crime went unmentioned on Seattle, Portland, and Salt Lake City channels. For the first time since it happened, Toki was glad he got rid of Ludwig. Finally, that piece of shit made himself useful. God willing, the Mustang would zero Charles in again, to their current location.

More than likely, Santos and Jorge left to collect the vehicle. Years passed since Toki last prayed, but he sent a few words skyward that a passing traveller reported the abandoned car to the proper authorities. Its lack of mention on the local channels could go either way.

Toki chose silence over the television, when he couldn't find anything to preoccupy himself with. Boredom never did him well, and mixing it with restlessness only made it worse. For the first time since leaving Mordhaus, he truly considered what his and Skwisgaar's absence did to the others. According to the Dethklok Minute, Pickles and Murderface carried on as usual (big shocker, given how they handled his confinement a few years prior), but Nathan was inexplicably missing. With a stab of guilt right through Toki's chest, he realized it may have something to do with Abigail. Surely, since she dated Nathan, she knew he'd disappeared again. In Toki's haste to escape, thwart Charles, and figure things out with Skwisgaar, he completely forgot how this might affect her.

God, how selfish could he be? And now that totally fucked _everyone_ up, because if he wasn't so adamant about carrying on down the road, Skwisgaar wouldn't have gotten drug into such a mess either.

This wasn't going to be like his imprisonment with Magnus. Instead of waiting around to be rescued, Toki would find the way out. He and Skwisgaar would wind up safe. Taking his own advice, Toki assumed a seat in the waiting game. Not much happened in the house right now, but he recognized the size and dark colour of a helicopter that passed over the city further north, and he knew why tires squealed down the street when Santos and Jorge returned. A hurried order sent María past Toki's door; the young girl didn't go back downstairs alone. Not wanting to miss anything, just in case they conversed in English, Toki reassumed position on the floor beside his door.

“Hm. I guess I could have already suspected that,” Raina said when told the Mustang no longer sat on the side of the road.

“That's not just it. There are klokateers crawling around _everywhere_ , out there. In Vegas, too. It's still all hush-hush, but if you know what to look for—”

“So long as we keep our noses down, we should avoid notice. That is, provided you two don't fuck up _again_. I should almost send you out, for a while. I don't trust either of you.”

“That's hardly fair. We didn't mean to bring them down on the city. You have to understand, we were only excited to bring you Toki and—”

“You don't speak their names, anymore. As far as we're concerned, they're no longer Dethklok's guitarists. Refer to them as Alejandro and Sebastian, or I _will_ have you two shot. I'm not kidding.”

A pregnant pause weighed the house down. “Where would you have us go, then?”

“Monterrey. Francisco will keep you until everything settles here. I'll let him know you're coming, but don't say why.”

“So then what would we tell him?”

“That until I'm able to scrounge together the cash to pay off my debt, you'll be in his service. No, no, let me think about this.” Raina sighed. “If I start making rash decisions, I'm going to fuck up as majorly as _you_ did. What I _should_ do is keep you close. Keep you under wraps.”

“Whatever you want, Mama.”

“Forgive me. . .I understand now, what handling such big-ticket items does to you. It's still inexcusable, how you brought the klokateers into my backyard, but the more dangerous the game, the more perks that come with the reward. If we pull this off, we're going to be one wealthy family.”

But they wouldn't; Toki would be sure of it. He'd dealt with his own succession of despicable people. His father got away with abusing him in plain sight. Magnus, whom the band eventually tracked by predicting his fractured mind, subjected him yet again to the poorest conditions his life ever knew. He'd survived such horrors first when young and alone, then at the hands of a friend. What could a bunch of strangers do to him, especially when Charles flooded the city with their personal army? He and Skwisgaar might be far-removed from central Vegas, but it was only a matter of time. If Charles felt for certain that they remained in the city, he wouldn't rest until overturning every single rock. Part of Toki and Abigail's homecoming was the promise that Charles would petition Congress for access to every square inch of American soil in case something like this happened again. Did Raina know about that? Obviously not, if she didn't panic about getting them out of here as soon as possible.

Things quieting down on the main floor sent Toki to the wall separating him from Skwisgaar. Ear pressed, he no longer heard snoring. Knocking yielded a response. “Dids you hears all that?”

“All whats?” A yawn pulled Skwisgaar's vocal pitch down.

“Charles found the car.” When Skwisgaar didn't respond, Toki licked his lips. “And I saws one of our helicopters. He's lookings for us.”

“Thanks fucking Odin.”

“So I thinks we stayings put for a while. Can'ts move us without riskings getting caught, ja?”

“Ams too bads.”

“At least we know what's happenings, for us.”

“Ja.” Skwisgaar paused. “I miss you.”

“Same.” Toki felt the complete weight of those three, simple words. Communicating posed its own relief, of course, but Toki completely underestimated the power of touch and smell. He closed his eyes in order to reconstruct an image of Skwisgaar. Unable to help it, his mind drifted to when they neared Las Vegas and Skwisgaar's calloused fingers made quick work of himself in the passenger seat. Colour in his cheeks, parted lips, and a lax brow would always stir something in Toki's lower stomach. Not to mention, how glassy blue eyes sought him out as ejaculation marked his end.

In need to share his appreciation, Toki got the other man's attention through the wall. “Dat ams what you t'ink about at a time like dis?”

“Guess so. Not much else to does.” Maybe it wasn't a very tactful thing to bring up, after what Skwisgaar went through, earlier. “How's you doings?”

“Meh. Still feels pretty gross. Dis amn'ts somet'ing you evers get used to. Espesklies when you thirty-five and it shouldn'ts be happening, anymore.”

Toki understood how it might bring bad things to the forefront of Skwisgaar's mind, even if Santos and Jorge didn't mean it that way. All the more, Toki wished to traverse rooms. “I'm sorry, elskling. I wanteds to make them stop.”

“It amn'ts your problem. I shoulds has just squatteds.”

“Don'ts blame yourself. It isn'ts your fault, when someone makes you do things like that.”

“But it coulds has been avoided.”

“Skwis—”

“Look, I gets what you tryings to do. Ams okay, reallies. I broughts dis on myself. He gaves me de chance to smartens up and I didn'ts take it.”

“If you panicked, how coulds you make your brain work right?”

“You would t'ink, after knowings what to expect, dat I woulds has just gones along wit' what he say. Oh well. . .”

“It isn'ts your fault,” Toki repeated. “No matters what. I always founds that you can always come up with a reason why it is, but you needs to understand that no one ever has the right to makes you feel bad. Just like my father never hads the right to whip me if I fucked up, Santos didn'ts have the right to put his fingers in you because you freaked out.”

Toki strained against the wall to hear Skwisgaar's bare mumble of a response. “I don'ts wish to talks about dis, anymore.”

“Okay,” Toki agreed. “Woulds you likes me to give you some space?”

“I don'ts know. Cans you just sits wit' me like dis?”

“I cans do that, ja. You tells me what you needs, and I'll does my best to makes it happen.”

“T'anks you.”

Fingertips skimmed the wall again. What a cruel move, to let them remain close enough to speak, but to deprive them of physical contact. Would it stay this way, until they either escaped or Charles located them? Fortunately, only a little over an hour passed before time seemed to move again inside the house. He jumped when the various latches and locks on his door slid and unclicked on the hallway side. María poked her head in with a smile, gesturing him to come. Relieved, he joined her side as she released Skwisgaar next.

Toki could only remember a handful of times in his life when it felt so good to be enveloped in someone's arms. He squeezed Skwisgaar as tightly as possible, without compromising his breath. The older man didn't seem to mind, having gripped him in similar manner.

María hovered at the top of the staircase. Their new names barely registered with Toki when she addressed them as such. “Comed con nosotros.”

Toki didn't need to understand Spanish when the smell of food pervaded the house and she waved for them to come downstairs. Hesitating, Toki leaned up against his lover and snuck a kiss. “Is good to sees you.”

“I ams tempted to just locks back up in dis room wit' you. Don'ts really cares about food.”

“Wills be good to put some food in your belly.” Toki rubbed it. “Althoughs I nots very hungry either. Hards to be, with everything goings on.”

“Alejandro, Sebastian.” Raina's voice wafting upstairs jarred them back to reality. “Dinner's on the table.”

Taking Skwisgaar's hand, Toki followed the clink of dishes into the dining room. His general dislike and mistrust rapidly returned; Raina dressed down from before, having removed her makeup and changed into more casual attire. Aware that he still wore what people of her culture considered formal, Toki felt overdressed in the strange paradigm Raina promoted.

“Sit,” she invited them as they hesitated in the archway. Toki half-expected she'd at least bat an eyelash at their entwined fingers, but if it bothered or inspired questions, she ignored the impulse to inquire. Encouraged by that, Toki maintained contact with Skwisgaar as they pulled their chairs up to the table.

“We pray before we eat, in this house.” Raina's folded hands before her plate already incentivised Toki to wait before helping himself. “Neither of you speak any Spanish, do you?”

The basics didn't count, in Toki's mind. Raina carried on when they shook their heads. “Today is when you start learning. English to me is the language of business. Spanish is for the home. Now, I want you each to repeat after me. . .”

“Gracias dios, por estos alimentos ques tenemos de tu abundancias, a traves de cristos, nuestro señor. Amen.” Certain he'd butchered it as badly as Skwisgaar, Toki waited for correction. Instead, Raina fed him the same smile.

“Not bad, for the first time. Despite the unnecessary pluralization, you have a knack for language. English is your second, of course?”

“Mhm.” Toki spooned rice onto his plate.

“How long did it take you to learn?”

“Nots very long, I guess. Mostlies was done through immersion. Skwis was in charge of making sures I learneds it, but I still spokes Norwegian for a long time when we were by ourselves.” Remembering that this woman was supposed to be the enemy, Toki pressed his lips together. She did well to make him forget that; he could very easily be seated at his mother's table in Norway, catching up on the things she failed to learn through their stiff, formal letters.

“That will probably be how you learn it, here. María doesn't speak English at all, and I'll encourage her to chat with you regularly. She's a delightful young girl.” Raina tugged on her braid. “Even though she will tend to you, you two will treat her like a sister. Don't learn the hard way that she's a tattletale. I won't appreciate you treating her like help, or speaking down to her. Respect is prized, under my roof.”

“Says someone who's basicallys kidnapped us.”

“You will find that even that doesn't hinder me from respecting you, provided you deserve it. One of my goals for dinner conversation is for you to tell me what would make your life more comfortable here.”

“Likes what?” Toki narrowed an eye in suspicion.

“Anything. Money is no object. I've taken you as my sons, and I intend to spoil you rotten.”

“I want our doors to be unlocked. We shoulds be allowed to see each other, and nots only when you says is okay.”

“That's something you need to earn, first. But once you do, I have no problem with it.”

“What dids we do to deserve that?”

“You lipped me off, and _you_ hurt my other boys.” She glanced at Skwisgaar.

He cleared his throat. “I wills apolgesac, when next I see dem.”

“Skwis—” Toki stopped when the man shot him a glare. While definitely not all right with Skwisgaar taking the initiative to right things between two people that bare hours ago made him feel like trash, what could Toki say against it at the dinner table? Raina offered them opportunity to keep their doors open with correct behaviour, and Toki too would do all he could to make that happen. He swallowed his pride and outrage with difficulty. “I'm sorries too. It isn'ts much of a first impression though, when you tells us we aren'ts going home, and aren'ts against making Santos and Jorge sticks their fingers up our butts. But I gets it.”

“Gracias. I appreciate your humility.”

Despite their situation, Toki's appetite became less suppressed with each bite. It was too easy to forget that, beyond these walls, Charles searched frantically for them. Their stay here was truly limited, and in that case, Toki naturally wished to abide by Raina's rules if it meant a smooth visit. If he continued to get himself locked up, that meant one less buffer between Skwisgaar and hardship. Already, Skwisgaar couldn't handle anymore. Not if he legitimately believed his actions validated abuse.

Raina waited until they'd eaten their fill before surmounting smalltalk. “I'm a stickler to punishment, so you two will return to your rooms until morning. Should nothing happen between now and then, you will have earned the right to unlocked doors and to further explore your new home. Fair?”

Hardly. Toki nodded anyway.

“While you're in there, I would like you two to consider what I said earlier. Think about how you would like to keep yourselves entertained. So long as it's not an outlandish request, I can have those to you probably before this time tomorrow.”

María began clearing the table, cue for the adults to disband. Skwisgaar remained seated. “Where am Santos and Jorge?”

“You may not see them too often. I've decided that they should remain at the house where you first arrived.” Raina smoothed the wrinkles from her clothes. “Raùl will be around, to tend to the things that María can't. It'll be him that fetches whatever you request.”

She came around the table and kissed each on top of the head, contributing to Toki's constantly flipping opinion of her. Part of him was pleased that he'd made her happy, another wanted to grab her by the hair and smash her face against the table. He settled on momentary catatonia. “I'll trust you to show yourselves to your rooms. I'll come check on you later, and see that you're settling in all right.” 


	37. Serendipity

A knock came against the wall behind Toki's head. “Goes to channel twelve.”

After following through, Toki scoffed. “I sucks at this game. I don't wants to play.”

“Ams de Kids Week, and Moidaface amn'ts here to yells out all de answers before we evens get a chance to t'ink abouts dem.”

Toki always felt stupid playing Jeopardy, but sometimes the kid and college editions could be fun. On the very first question, as Toki parsed the English and formulated his answer, another knock sounded as well as the correct answer on the other side. “Hey, that's not fair! You gots to wait until Alex finishes reading the questions!”

“I don'ts recall agreeing to dat.”

“Fine.” Toki rapped his knuckle next. “Whats is the Crusades.”

“Nots fair, you was distractings me—ha, was de Spanish Inquisition, you sucks. Two hundred dollars for me, minus four-hundreds for you.”

Toki's competitive streak stayed in check, surprisingly. He more enjoyed Skwisgaar's bumbling attempt to convey superior intellect in topics truly irrelevant to their lives. Without Murderface to dominate the game, Toki properly gauged just _how_ horrible he and Skwisgaar were. At the end of the first round, he wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. “Is negatives twenty-six hundreds for you, negatives three-thousand for me. I's closing the gap!”

“Huh, brings it on. I'm surging aheads, dis next time around.”

“Ja, sures you are—” Toki started into silence when the locks on his door came undone. Unsure if his status as prisoner entitled him to a knock before his visitor let themselves in, he pulled the blanket over his waist.

“Are you decent?”

“Gives to me one minute, please.” Toki grabbed his pants off the floor beside his bed. In the next room, Skwisgaar had muted his television in order to eavesdrop.

Raina let herself in when Toki gave the go-ahead, carrying a pile of folded clothes. “María mentioned that you had nothing to wear but what was on your back. My apologies. These should be your size, but let me know if they're not and I'll send Raùl back out.”

“Thanks.” Toki noted some plaid therein, probably the pyjama pants he earlier desired but wrote off as an impossibility. “I'll probablies figure it out in the morning.”

“Whatever suits you.”

“Um. . .” Toki would feel more comfortable, should they get better acquainted. Maybe he could find some weaknesses therein. “Is Raùl still here?”

“Si, he's downstairs. I've asked him to stay with us.”

“Cool.” Toki liked Raùl enough. Hopefully that didn't go the same way as with Jorge, whom he experienced mixed feelings about now. Santos, he couldn't figure out. “Ares you from around here, originally?”

Raina shook her head. “Born and raised in Monterrey. I've been here long enough though, to call Vegas home.”

“You gives off an air like you owns a lot of this city.”

“I suppose, if property counts.”

“Crime?”

“Oh, I didn't know if you preferred boxers or briefs, so there's both kinds here.” Raina pat the pile of clothes. “What exactly are you looking to find out, about me?”

Anything, really. “We goings to stay here, so we shouldn'ts be strangers, right?”

“You shouldn't concern yourself with what I do outside of the law.”

“I can'ts help but be curious, since we stayeds the night with all those other people.”

With a shrug, Raina took a seat near the end of the bed. “I'm sure you've guessed by now they hopped the border. I give them a place to stay near a school that doesn't deprive children of education regardless of their parents' Green Card status. I give them work, on the buildings and condos I own. All they need to do is hold their own, otherwise.”

“Does you pay them?”

“With shelter and food. If I paid them, it wouldn't be much incentive to leave my fold, would it?”

“Buts how are they supposed to find their own place to live, when they has no monies?”

“It's different when they're legal. I don't mind fronting them cash until they're able to support themselves. They're at the top of my list to consider, whenever one of my apartments come up empty. I didn't think you would at all be interested in the nuances of immigration, Sebastian.”

That name still rubbed Toki strangely. “I's an immigrant too. Naturalized and all thats, but I remembers going through it all. I had someone like you, to figures it out for me. I was extremelies grateful.”

“Charles?” To which Toki nodded. “Si, I assumed he did that for you boys. He must have seen your potential right away.”

“Sort of. The other guys did, nots him. But he dids all the paperwork and I nevers got sent back to Norway, so he must have dones it right. I don'ts really know anything about how all that happens.”

“There's not much to it, when you've had enough practice. Fortunately, the laws he either appealed or helped put through Congress—the very ones that expedited you to become an American citizen—are the same ones that make my job so easy.” Raina smiled. “So I owe him that.”

“But you don't owes him enough to gives us back, huh?” Toki carefully asked.

“Perhaps there is a large resemblance between your manager and I, but our common traits stop in how we individually value you.” Raina gestured at the window. “You've seen the helicopters, so I assume you're aware he's looking for you. This franticness comes from a man searching for his milking cows. If he doesn't have you, he stands to lose the life of luxury he's become accustomed to.”

“How does that makes a difference from _you?_ What do _you_ stands to get from us?”

“Nothing.” She shrugged. “I don't plan on using you for financial gain.”

“But we makes you wealthy,” Toki recalled from what he overheard. “Whethers you use us like that or not, we're still valuables. You can'ts deny that you get _something_ out of keeping us.”

“I didn't ask for you to come my way, mijo. You need to keep that in mind. Jorge's a little foolish, and Santos too keen to go along with his hare-brained schemes. Part of keeping you is out of personal interest, and mostly business. If I let you go, I can't be certain that my life here in Vegas won't crumble. All you would need to do is tell the wrong person one thing, and I'm done. All the immigrants I'm trying to help would be sent back to places overrun and torn apart by drug cartels. Their children would become pawns in an endless, bloody turf war. We've all worked too hard, to get where we are.”

Toki nodded briefly in understanding, before steadfastly reminding himself that this woman was the enemy. “Whats about personally? What you gets out of it _that_ way?”

“I'll tell you a story, hah? My parents were killed when I was very young, too young to remember, and a chip on my shoulder swept me full force into the streets of Monterrey. One night in July, when I was twenty-four years old, I'd just shot to death a man that screwed me over. Another man that I considered my brother—Francisco—had pulled the bullet and stitched up where that pendejo got _me_.” Raina ran her thumb mindlessly over the scar near her left elbow. “I thought I was going to bleed out, although looking back my head was merely fuzzy from all the blood loss. When I came to, little thirteen year old Santos was there. He'd stolen a radio in order to cheer me up, and that's when I heard Dethklok for the first time.

“It's funny, how much of an impact art can hold on your life. Perhaps you hear this all the time, and your fame validates it, but there's something special in your music that speaks to me. God himself could have walked into that room, to confirm that he existed. Long story short, it got me out of the drug game. With Francisco's help, I staked my claim on a slice of American prosperity. Like you, I'm one of the few success stories for modern-day immigrants. Also like you, I help people. Or I try, anyway.”

“If you loves Dethklok so much and wants to help people, then what goods is keeping us here? Without us, there _is_ no band. A lots of people are going to suffer, when the economy hits the toilet.”

“I love you and your music, but I must admit. . .it's dangerous, to base economy on something so mercurial. Maybe it'll be good for a crash.” Raina moved over to the window, where another helicopter passed by in the distance. “But that's me speaking business, again. Personally, I consider it serendipitous that you fell into my lap this way. How could I not take full advantage of that?”

She made sense, further tripping Toki up. Did she merely manipulate him, or did it mean something to see her point? Toki discussed with Skwisgaar on the road the possibility of never returning to Mordhaus, so how did this differ? Either way, Dethklok lacked its guitarists. At least here, Toki and Skwisgaar were comfortable. They didn't need to worry about money, once the twenty grand they started their road trip with ran dry. No longer did they need to maintain a vagabond lifestyle, in order to avoid capture.

“It must be stressful, having so many people rely on you not only for entertainment, but quality of life. It reduces your worth to your work—when you're doing well, everyone loves you, when you fail them, they hate your guts and want you dead,” Raina continued.

“Is. . .is how you gots us so easily,” Toki quietly admitted. “We were ons the run.”

“So you agree, then?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, if you were looking for an out, then you wound up in the right place. I'll keep you safe. You needn't worry, anymore.”

A motherly caress of Toki's hair preceded Raina carrying on her way. Confused and still a touch uncertain, Toki dressed in the pyjamas provided and listened to Skwisgaar go through the same motions next door, with her. He still wanted to escape in order to get Skwisgaar to safety, but now Toki asked himself: _was_ there anywhere safer than this? How did a cavity search—a one-time ordeal, now that they'd been established as clean—compare to the bullshit he and Skwisgaar weathered when in Dethklok? Everyday, their lives were in danger. They couldn't go anywhere without an armoured guard.

Raina even had a good point about Charles. She more than him took responsibility over them out of compassion. All Charles ever did was bitch about when the next album would come out. Raina, on the other hand, invited them to take it easy and live free of worry. She _got_ it, after fighting her own way out of turbulence.

Toki expected, when Skwisgaar received his bid goodnight, that a light knock to get his attention would precede discussion on their stance for the issue. However, silence offered the impression that they situated on the same page. Ending their career was a lot easier to choose when the verdict laid in someone else's hands. After so many years at the top, Toki grew tired of making such heavy decisions.

“Toki?”

“Mhm?” He turned his face in direction of Skwisgaar's voice.

“What kinds of t'ing am you asking for tomorrow?”

“Hasn'ts really thoughts about it yet. You?”

“I wants Raùl to finds me a copy of dat book I was reading, and I t'inks I goings to ask for a guitar. Preferablies a Thunderhorse, if money really amn'ts no object.”

“Ooh, that's a goods idea. I's going to ask for a couple different instruments. Maybes now I'll finally haves time to makes my own stuff. You too, if you wanteds.”

“Coulds be wort' a shot, I guess. I nevers really recordeds anyt'ing on my own. You woulds help me figures it out?”

“Of course, elskling.” A pause fell between them. “Maybes this isn't so bads?”

“Ams hard to say. I t'ink dat once we ams alloweds out of our room, we shoulds discuss it more. Looks at it objectivelies, you know? Because if dis am for our benefits, what am goings to happen when Charles find us? You know he'll pulls us out of here kicking and screaming, if he have to.”

“Is a good point. You know what I hopes for?” Toki asked. “That we can sleeps togethers again. Is weird, to be all alone afters getting used to having you beside me. She shouldn'ts have a problem with it, right?”

“She didn'ts care dat we helds hand at dinner, so I don't sees why not. I'm shore Jorge and Santos tolds her dat we were makings out, possiblies dat we was fucking, if dey was watchings us closely enough.”

“I can'ts wait, then.” Toki curled up under the blanket, much like he would if there was a second body to gravitate toward. “I nots going to stops kissing you, as soon as I gets in that room.”

“Goods.”

“And tomorrow, if we gets the chance to be alone, I's going to return the favour. I's going to eats your ass out like it's all I's good for.”

A drawn-out sigh sounded from the other room. “Greats. Now I gots a boner.”

“So gets rid of it.”

“I'ms half-tempted just to waits.”

“You likes doing that, huh? Puttings it off?”

“Just recentlies. Don'ts ask me why. You would t'ink, if I cans get it whenevers I want, dat I woulds just takes it dat many times.”

“What if I tolds you to jack off? Woulds you listen?”

“Ja. . .”

“Then does it. Gets off.”

“Woulds you keep talking to me?”

Toki could try, at any rate. He probably ranked far lower than Skwisgaar in that ability, but he had an idea what the other man would like to hear. “Anothers thing I's gonna do tomorrow is start fingering myself more regularlies. You gaves me a good confidence boost, this mornings. I wants you to fucks me, as soon as possible. Afters all the years you beens practicing, I can'ts deny that I's really curious to experience how goods you are at it. . .”

Predictably, Skwisgaar announced his end in relatively short order. By then, swollen flesh laid against Toki's lower abdomen. “Ugh. Wish I hads your hands. One goods thing about how much you plays the guitar is that you gives really good hand jobs.”

“Mights be from all the jackings off, too.”

“True. Comes to think of it though, I woulds rather. . .nah, is too hards of a toss-up, betweens your mouth and your ass. How coulds I ever choose?” Content to imagine both, Toki rested his palm on the glans.

Skwisgaar chuckled. “Well, amn'ts _you_ sweet.” 


	38. Almuerzo

Two weeks of motels and a cot readied Toki for the sleep that came with a real bed. Unaware that he dreamed at all, he merely rolled over every time he came to consciousness. Not until his bladder ached did he finally manage to sit upright. It took a moment to remember where he was, but with a shrug he collected some fresh clothes from the pile Raina provided late the previous evening.

Steam infiltrating his lungs and soft water running down his back held Toki in the expansive stall longer than anticipated. When he emerged, feeling cleaner than ever before in his entire life, his bedroom door rested against the frame. A telenovela broadcast downstairs masked Toki's footsteps along the landing toward the neighbouring bedroom; Skwisgaar still sprawled out in deep rest, within. His feet poked out the bottom of the blanket, a habit Toki noticed early on in their journey—Skwisgaar couldn't sleep if they got too hot. An arm wrapped tightly around one of the pillows, and the man's back rose and fell in slow steadiness. Should Toki even wake him up?

Deciding against it, Toki explored the house further. The other rooms upstairs were locked, except for a bathroom. Sneaking downstairs, Raùl's shaved head was visible over the back of the couch. On the television, a man in tears begged a very beautiful woman in rapid-fire Spanish not to leave their poorly lit studio home.

“¿Por qué, Margarita?” followed Toki into the kitchen. “¡Ricardo es mi amigo!”

“Ricardo es más grande, y tú, chiquito—”

“I'm sorry, could you hold on a moment?” Raina's voice filtered in from a nearby room. “Raùl, turn that down! I'm on the phone, and María shouldn't be listening to that anyways!”

“Sorry.”

With the reduction in volume, Toki could hear Raina more clearly as he scanned the fridge for something to eat. “. . .I don't care that it was his first job, have you _seen_ the mess he made of the plumbing? I've got shit and piss on the bathroom floor, how could you not have inspected his work before sending me the bill? I see. Well, I don't care, I'm not paying until someone goes up there and fixes it. Or I'll see about contracting out to another company, it's no difference to me. . .”

“¡Buenos!” María greeted Toki cheerfully. He'd made little headway in finding a quick meal, struggling with shelves full of ingredients. Clasping his chin with a helpless expression probably made that obvious. “¿Tienes hambre?”

“I—what?”

María repeated the question, then pointed at the fridge while rubbing her stomach.

“Oh. Ja. Um. . .si, I means.”

When the young girl skipped out of the room, Toki wondered if he'd answered positive to what he thought he did. However, when Raina tied up her phone conversation, María spoke therein and then the woman appeared. “Buenos diás, Sebastian. María says you're hungry.”

“Ja. Si.”

“En español, por favor: tengo hambre.”

Toki's head swam, as he took a seat at the kitchen island. While Raina fired up the gas range and piled ingredients beside him, she named each in her native language and had him repeat after her. Every third one or so, she'd double back to something else and jog his memory. Her preparation process went described too, possibly more for him to become acquainted with the language's lyricism and flow.

She switched back to English, as spices were added to the pan. “Is Alejandro still in bed?”

“When I looked, ja.”

“Go fetch him, it's nearly eleven. When you do, say arriba, or ya amaneció. Arriba is a more personal term, ya amaneció, the more general way to tell someone to get up.”

Toki's mouth watered as he climbed the stairs. Now that the smell of Raina's cooking pervaded the house, his belly _really_ wracked with hunger. It barely subsided when he slipped into Skwisgaar's bed and shook with silent giggles at the size of the drool stain left on the pillow. “Elskling.”

His weight in the bed failed to rouse the man, so Toki resorted to cautious physical contact. He pushed hair away from Skwisgaar's face; a deep sigh rewarded him. “Mmm. . .no.”

“Arriba.” Toki already forgot the second phrase that Raina taught him.

“Huh?”

“Is time to get up. Arriba.” Toki pressed his lips to the other man's forehead. “Raina's making us lunch.”

Skwisgaar groaned again, then smiled as his arm latched Toki's waist instead of the pillow. “Nots yet.”

“Is good to see you.” Kisses ran the length of Skwisgaar's nose. “Today's going to be way betters than yesterday.”

“Am startings off pretty good already. Dey just opens de doors?”

“A little whiles ago. I was going to wakes you up, but you looked so peaceful.”

“Should have just crawleds in wit' me. Oogh, holy fucks, does I ever gots to pee, though.”

Toki relinquished his grip when Skwisgaar shifted to head for the bathroom. Rather than follow, as per his instinct, Toki rifled through the pile of clothes left on Skwisgaar's dresser-top and chose some articles he thought would look nice. Plopping down on the end of his bed, naked spare his underwear, Skwisgaar leaned back on his hands and let out a mighty yawn. “What ams dis?”

“I pickeds your clothes.”

“I ams capables of dat, too.”

“Psh. Just lets me have my fun.”

Skwisgaar made no move to take them, when Toki stood before him. “Does we haves to go downstairs rights away?”

“Why? Whats you thinking?” Toki grew accustomed to this particular regard; he fingered brown hair as deft digits slipped into the hem of his jeans. “Woulds you at least lets me close the door?”

Need to rush for fear of getting caught usually psyched Toki out. However, Skwisgaar inhaling his dick like he'd been starved of it remedied that pretty easily. It didn't seem time to fulfill last night's promise, when Toki fastened his pants again. To confirm, they were called from downstairs.

“Apparentlies around meal isn'ts when to do this kind of thing.” Toki reached for Skwisgaar anyway, only to be batted away.

“Worries about it later. I'ms fucking starved.”

“Whats you gonna do with that?” Toki pointed at his boner.

“It go away, soon enoughs.” It pressed against Toki, when Skwisgaar stood. A lingering kiss delayed them further. “I remembers what you said, and I ams going to holds you to it.”

A flurry of butterflies flapped about Toki's stomach, even if he fully intended to follow through. He shouldn't like an assertive Skwisgaar so much. It normally irritated him to no end, thanks to resulting degradation, but he couldn't ignore a part of him that wished for Skwisgaar to pull out all the stops on seducing him. Maybe that would've happened, if he didn't give in so easily in Chicago. Oh well. . .there remained high chance for it yet, knowing this man. “Honestlies, I woulds rather eat _you_ , than food. No matters how hungries I am.”

“You ams tryings to make dis hard on me, amn'ts you?”

“You bets.” Toki groped his ass. “I sees you downstairs.”

Nobody downstairs said anything about the wait, nor did they indicate knowledge as to what held him upstairs, but Toki felt as though they could see everything written across his face. Should he do anything on the sly in his childhood home, his mother and father seemed to steep in shameful awareness. Toki didn't have access to a hiding spot outdoors here though, where his cum could land against the ground in feverish spurts.

He accepted the invitation to sit as Raùl pulled the chair out beside him, mouth overrun again in anticipation of sustenance. “Skwisgaar'll be downs in a minute. He's just gettings dressed. Takes a while sometimes, to gets him going.”

“¿Que? Who?”

“Oh, um. . .Alejandro.” Same as being addressed by his new name, Toki found difficulty reconciling Skwisgaar with his Hispanicized identity. He smiled when the man appeared, then winked when certain no one else would catch it.

A poker face overtook when Raina spoke. “So you two had the night to consider how you'd like to entertain yourself. Raùl will go out after we're finished eating to get everything.”

Raùl darted down notes as Toki and Skwisgaar made their demands. More guilt accompanied request for two computers, although Raina waved off Toki's suggestion that he and Skwisgaar could share. Compulsion for a pet riddled Toki through the meal; how permanent _was_ their situation? Would Charles actually find them? Or did their road trip end with impromptu retirement?

He left it alone for now, returning Raùl's spirited goodbye with a distracted tone. With or without an animal for extra companionship, Toki anticipated a keyboard and guitar to keep him preoccupied a long while. A lot of music visited him during two weeks exploring America's continental extremities. Maybe, if self-centredness struck Skwisgaar hard enough, he'd be willing to hear the pools of emotion he inspired.

“I'll need to request that I not be bothered while my office door is shut,” Raina stated. “Some plumbers made an absolute wreck in one of my buildings, and I'm out for blood.”

“You didn'ts need to cooks for us, if you's busy.”

“It's okay, mijo. I needed the break anyway.” She squeezed Toki's shoulder affectionately. “How did you two sleep, last night?”

Through smalltalk, Toki discerned the urge to get back upstairs. He wouldn't mind falling asleep again, once done with Skwisgaar. The longer their sit-down lasted after their plates emptied off, the more restlessness Skwisgaar displayed. Toki extended the linguistic lesson that came of it on purpose, suppressing a smirk when his partner finally cleared his throat.

“I t'inks I goings to haves a shower.” Skwisgaar paused. “Mays I be excused?”

“Of course.” As soon as he slid off his chair, María set about collecting the dishes. “And I suppose I should get back to work too. Unless you need something, first?”

“I's good. Probablies just going to naps.”

Toki snuck into Skwisgaar's room; the shower ran, tempting Toki to traverse into the next room. Laying down on his bed instead, the sentiment of sneaking around behind someone's back injected a new thrill. How exciting would it have been, to take Skwisgaar as a lover in his youth? Maybe neither boasted comparable skill or experience then, but would it really matter? However many men or women they bedded before one another, there were definitely times that they fumbled or allowed lust to override practiced petting.

Perhaps the prospect of doing something new fuelled a regression. When Skwisgaar emerged with wet hair and a towel about his waist, Toki saw someone as young as himself. He wanted to sully that boy, to show him how good sin could feel. Cool confidence came from running his fingers over smooth skin, when Skwisgaar sat on the edge of the bed. “You's clean?”

“Mhm.”

“Lays down.”

Damp skin encouraged static electricity to flow between them. It didn't matter to Toki that they'd last fooled around barely over twenty-four hours ago; in the grand scheme of how long they'd been at it, that might as well be an eternity. They couldn't fuck multiple times a day forever, but a slackening was nowhere in the foreseeable future. An innocent touch contrasted darkening flesh between open legs. Where Skwisgaar probably anticipated a direction toward intent, Toki was satisfied with leisure.

“I coulds worship you all day.”

“Why don'ts you?”

Given Toki had the opportunity without possible distraction, he certainly would. Skwisgaar would hate it, given enough time; not until he begged and couldn't stand it anymore would Toki feed him relief. To begin, Toki flicked his tongue along the underside of Skwisgaar's cock. In the more torturous ministrations, he could feel blood throb with yearning. As he mapped out the man's frenulum, a low groan sounded from further up on the bed.

Avoiding the head resulted in a sigh. Did he bore Skwisgaar? A glimpse upward assured Toki otherwise. Ready to give this a shot, he made his way back to Skwisgaar's sac, caressing and kissing each ball in turn. The more noise he made in the process, the more Skwisgaar squirmed. When Toki quietly requested Skwisgaar to hold his legs, no hesitation came. Toki slid his hands underneath his fleshy backside, treating it like an offered up meal.

A spastic diaphragm preceded a shift and moan. It still remained true, that Toki making his enjoyment acoustically apparent only flooded Skwisgaar further with urgency. Toki thought he'd find it horrible or disgusting to lick and kiss someone's asshole; perhaps its taboo nature made it all the better. They weren't supposed to enjoy this, but Toki only buried his face deeper. Toes cracking nearby and a desperate grip on the back of his head further encouraged him. When he backed off for breath, he found the sight before him bordering on adorable. Heat emanated from Skwisgaar's thighs, and precum created a trail between his cock head and abdomen. Hardly any blue in Skwisgaar's eyes was visible, surrounding his pupils.

Skwisgaar breathed Toki's name when he continued to ignore the pressing matter at hand. “I can'ts take dis anymore.”

“Takes what?” Toki's tongue traversed his perineum.

“Ams too much. All you needs to do am touch me.”

“Maybes I likes how you look.” A whine accentuated one of Skwisgaar's balls passing Toki's lips. He kissed it upon exit. “Maybes I keeps putting it off. We gots all the time in the world, ja?”

“Anot'ers time? I'll probablies cry, if you stops.”

“Who says it's your choice?” Solely to assert himself, Toki drifted back to his hole. To make sure Skwisgaar behaved himself, he grabbed both hands. Half moons marked his palms in little to no time. “Maybes I wants to fuck you, insteads. Woulds you be able to cums only from that?”

“Coulds happen. . .but we still don'ts have lube.”

“Fuck,” Toki muttered. He'd taken that for granted. How desperate was he, to approach Raina about it? “Waits here.”

Darting down to the kitchen was truly a last-ditch effort. Toki snuck past Raina's office, where she chewed someone else out, and kept an eye for María. He didn't think he'd be able to live with himself if a ten year old saw him running around with a boner, dressed or not. As soon as he had a bottle of olive oil in his grasp, he sprinted back for the second floor. Safe in Skwisgaar's room, the two of them shared a smile and light laugh.

“We ams pretty desperate, huh?” Skwisgaar's grip on the blanket relaxed when Toki pulled it away. Swollen lips earned a swift kiss.

“Guess so. Tells me right away if it don'ts work.”

“Maybes should lay the towel down, in case it get messy. I don'ts want my bed to smells like baking, and I don'ts want to explain.”

Whatever it took. Toki tore his clothes off and stuck his fingers in haste to Skwisgaar. He sucked his bottom lip as Skwisgaar's body relented to the head. “Is okay?”

“Works, and dat ams all dat matter.”

Fascinated, Toki refrained from leaning over Skwisgaar. How could something so alluring, so beautiful, be wrong? Compassion struck Toki hard, along with the desire to observe his lover tip over the edge. He massaged Skwisgaar's balls with the palm of his hand before taking his cock in grasp. Each drawn out stroke tightened his pelvic floor threateningly. Giving up on holding his legs aloft, Skwisgaar gripped his blanket. A gasp and croon passed urgency between them. Only when Toki matched him in relief did he finally revel in skin to skin contact.

“Now _dat_. . .” Skwisgaar kissed Toki rather than finish his thought.

“Mm.” Toki couldn't feel more confident to have transformed a passing occurrence into an all-out experience. “Ja. I's gettings _way_ too used to this.” 


	39. Appeal

Toki hit the space bar on his computer when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. He'd only worked seriously on something for about half an hour, after adjusting specifications and settings for the recording program he normally used. Offering to do the same for Skwisgaar failed to come to fruition; the other man was content to sit on the edge of his bed and reacquaint his fingers to his preferred instrument. Just like that, they shifted toward the relationship they shared at Mordhaus. Perhaps after a fortnight of close proximity, they needed a short break from each other.

He assumed Skwisgaar poked his head in, but instead Raùl compelled Toki to remove his headphones. The man shifted back and forth between the balls of his feet and rubbed his hands eagerly. “How's all that working out? I got the right stuff?”

“Ja, is good. Thanks.” Toki smiled.

“Hate to interrupt—know you're probably busy, all that shit—but I was wondering if you wanted to come downstairs, have a few drinks, and watch the game. CF Monterrey and the Tigres are playing tonight, so it's going to be one hell of a show.”

“Sure.” Music could wait. If Raùl became a makeshift sibling to him like the rest of Dethklok once, why would Toki turn down the opportunity to build a rapport? “When's it start?”

“Half an hour, or so. I also asked Skwi—Alejandro if he wanted to, but he just scoffed at me.” Raùl shrugged.

“He doesn'ts like sports. If we bugs him a bit later, he mights come down for a drink.”

Down in the living room, a pre-show displayed tens of thousands of fans gathering in a stadium. Raina sat on the corner chair beside the television, with María on the floor before her. The young girl winced with every pull of a brush through her wet hair.

“He talked you into it, did he?”

“I don'ts have to get talked into stuffs.” Toki dropped onto the leather couch. “I used to watch Americans footballs with Nathan, so at least this is a game I actually understands.”

The kids in Toki's village played soccer too, in the summer. He considered himself the best, small and fast as he was. It must've meant something, anyway, to always be chosen first for teams.

“Here.” Raùl handed Toki a beer that he'd never heard of before. A tentative sniff and short nod of approval preceded a sip. “Who're you rooting for?”

“I can'ts confess that I knows either team. The only soccers I ever watch is FIFA, sometimes.”

“Well, let me introduce you to the best team in the league—CF Monterrey—and the shit-eaters that suckle from their bungle holes—the Tigres.”

“Go Tigres!”

“Quiet!” Raùl pointed at a chuckling Raina. “You know nothing about soccer, and you don't even care. So you keep your bastard opinions to yourself.”

“I don't have to know anything about soccer to know the Tigres outrank your boys.”

“That ends tonight. La Pandilla is going to kick their asses so hard they'll taste cleat until God calls them home.”

Raùl failed to remain stationary, leading up to the match's commencement. When it began, he took a seat on the edge of the couch, glued and transfixed by the incomprehensible commentators. Toki found him more entertaining to watch than the game. Every time the players moved toward the Tigres' net, Raùl would slowly rise off the furniture. Foiled attempt on scoring birthed what Toki could only surmise were very colourful expletives. Any warning he received from Raina to curb his enthusiasm (at least in that regard) went ignored. The ball slipping by CF Monterrey's goalie found the man on his knees on the floor.

“Could you stop wailing like a little girl?” Raina requested, while María and Toki stifled laughter behind their hands. “Some of us would like to watch the Tigres pound a terrible team into the ground, in peace.”

“There is no peace to be had!” Raùl mournfully lamented. “There is no God! I hate the Tigres!”

Four beer bottles situated down by Toki's feet, as another two goals nearly had the other man pulling his shirt off in grief. He took to running into the kitchen whenever the action again moved against his team's favour, and relied on Toki to tell him what came of it. One time, as he scrambled off the couch, the action cut in lieu of a podium. 'Emergency Broadcast' scrolled repeatedly across the screen's bottom.

“What the hell is this?” Raùl reappeared. “Who changed the channel?”

“No one—oh. . .”

Even though María wouldn't be able to understand, Raina shooed her from the room. Toki found himself on his feet as well, when Charles appeared on-screen. The bags under his eyes and messy hair indicated how little sleep he'd gotten since he and Skwisgaar slipped away.

“Ah, good evening. I have an announcement to make, in regards to Dethklok. As of approximately eleven p.m. on April tenth, Toki and Skwisgaar have been missing. We've tracked them as far as Mohave County in Arizona, although we believe they may be located somewhere in metropolitan Las Vegas. As we reach the two week mark since their disappearance, I ask the public to come forward with any information regarding their whereabouts.” The camera panned, making room for pictures of them to appear in the top left corner. Toki nearly forgot what Skwisgaar looked like with blond hair, and he missed his fu manchu more than ever. “Skwisgaar is six-foot-six and two-hundred and thirty pounds, where Toki is six-foot-one and one-hundred ninety-five. . .”

“Well, fuck me,” Raina softly exclaimed. “Bet you anything he'll be on CSPAN in the morning, appealing to Congress about revisiting Dethklok Marshall Law. He's going to lock down the city.”

“So what do we do?” Raùl asked.

An eight-digit number flashed on the screen as reward money; it disappeared when Raina turned off the television. “We need to get out.”

“How? And go where?”

She turned to Toki. “Go tell Alejandro to pack everything he wants to take. We leave as soon as I make a phone call.”

True to their road trip, Toki and Skwisgaar weren't destined to stay in one place for very long. Not while Charles chased them, anyway. Taking every other step up the staircase, Toki knocked shortly before letting himself into Skwisgaar's room. The man looked up from his guitar, going from happy to confused to concerned, to see him. “Why ams you looking like dat?”

“We's leaving. You gots to pack.”

“Leavings? But I just gots comfy here! Where ams we going? Why?”

“Charles is on TV. We's officially missings person, now.”

“ _Pff_ , dat man don't know when to gives up.” Skwisgaar crossed his arms. “Obsvisly, we don'ts want to be found.”

“If that's the case, then you needs to get your clothes together. Dids you want to takes your guitar, too?”

Raùl wound up packing all their new purchases out to Raina's Escalade. Toki and Skwisgaar sat with María in the living room, while Raina navigated what sounded like a phone tree belonging to the police.

“Hi, Bob? This is Raina Gallegos. Listen, I know you're swamped, but I just want to ask a quick question. I have a really important can't-miss business meeting in Albuquerque tomorrow, and they grounded my flight. I'm stuck driving, and I'm concerned about whether or not I'll be able to cross state lines—si, it's terrible, isn't it? I noticed more helicopters than usual, in the air. Okay, hold on, let me get my map out. Si, that's _very_ helpful.”

Raina emerged from her office with a grin. “Let's get out of here. Everyone's got what they need?”

María climbed in first, heading to the back bench. Toki and Skwisgaar took the middle row, while Raùl and Raina claimed the front. “So here's how it's going to go: klokateers are monitoring every exit, with help from all local police units. They're checking outgoing traffic, just in case you're being smuggled. Bob says the best way out is the I-15 North. He's stationed up there, so he can help us.”

The streets were quiet this far away from Vegas proper; and yet, Toki feared even breathing loudly enough for himself to hear. They stuck to the outskirts as they headed northeast. Passing beneath a helicopter made Toki's heart pound. Skwisgaar gnawed his bottom lip, scanning the streets for plainclothes klokateers. A couple muscular men questioning pedestrians earned Toki a poke in his arm. “Looks.”

Anxiety seeped into Toki's stomach. _Should_ they be running? If they wanted to hand themselves in, all he needed to do was bang loudly enough on the window. Or, when they came to the road block, he could tell this Bob guy who he and Skwisgaar were.

The question came down to where they were the greater prisoner. Sure, Raina kept them locked up, but their fame confined them to Mordhaus for the rest of their days. How long _could_ they handle the pressure, of being responsible for the economy? The environment? World peace? They could never retire the legitimate way, because who could ever take their position? However selfish and dishonourable, better off to disappear than step down. No one even had to know about their cowardice, if they played their cards right.

He almost believed he was a nobody, as they passed more klokateers. “Raina?”

“Si, mijo.”

“How's we going to stays hidden? When they don'ts find us in Vegas, they's just going to keeps looking elsewhere, rights?”

“We'll figure something out. I know someone that can make you some fake identification. Then, all we have to do is pretend you're from Mexico like the rest of the people I help, and you'll be naturalized again as someone else.”

“Aren'ts we a bit too white to be Mexican?”

Raina laughed. “Colour doesn't have much to do with nationality.”

“Ams true.” Skwisgaar nodded. “Dere was darker Swedish people in my school, backs when I was a kid. You know, comes over from Bosnia durings de war dere, or froms de Middle East.”

“Coulds work. So longs as we keeps our new names, right?”

“Exactly. You need to get used to them as quickly as possible, as well as to Spanish. You'll be far more convincing, if you're not speaking mostly English. How long do you think it'll take, before Charles gives up looking for you?”

“Coulds take until the band crashes, and he gots to go backs to being some big shots lawyer in Albany.” Toki shrugged. “Eithers that, or we coulds fake our deaths somehow.”

“Don't get ahead of yourself, mijo. So long as we're careful, that won't be necessary.”

It might actually be possible, that Toki got to be a regular jack-off. If he and Skwisgaar stuck with Raina, they didn't have to worry about the downside of that, like living paycheck to paycheck. Toki didn't want to sit around for the rest of his life, but maybe when the dust settled Raina wouldn't mind assigning him a job. He could dedicate his time to helping other people go through what he once did. Culture shock wasn't always easy to navigate, nor the nuances of daily American life.

“This must be it,” Raina said when traffic slowed to a halt. “I have no idea how long we're going to be sitting here. Does anyone need to use a restroom, or anything? María?”

“No, Mama,” she replied from behind Toki, when Raina repeated the question in Spanish. Already, she curled into the seat's side in attempt to sleep.

Was Toki truly ready to give up the life he previously lead, though? The fame and stress, perhaps, but what about the people? He possessed cherished memories of his other bandmates, and the man that took care of them all for so many years. Granted, leaving was easier when his fellow guitarist sat beside him. But how would they ever discuss Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles without feeling as though they'd all somehow died? If they only existed in photographs or on television, what was the difference? Could Toki accept the guilt of destroying their quality of life? Of causing the specific form of grief that accompanied lack of closure? Of ending their collective artistic vision?

Maybe one day they'd see each other again. Would they ever be able to forgive him and Skwisgaar, though, for just running off? Maybe this was it, then. Maybe, when Toki amiably punched Pickles' shoulder on his way out of the hot tub two weeks ago, that was goodbye. At least he left on a positive note, right? Did the three of them only possess good memories of him and Skwisgaar, or did the fear that their life ended with terror thwart all that?

Toki feigned sleep, to mask that tears collected in the corners of his eyes. He missed his friends already. He hated that Abigail would vividly imagine him stuck in a place like where Magnus kept them prisoner. Maybe he could call her in secret one day from an untraceable line, just to let her know that he was safe, happy, and that she shouldn't worry. They all had to understand, that sometimes the best—perhaps only—thing to do was. . .let go. They all lamented at one time or another about the impossibility of quitting the band. Darker humour led them to joke that suicide was the only feasible answer. Maybe, deep down, they hoped that Toki and Skwisgaar _didn't_ come home. Without their irreplaceable guitarists, they had no choice but to follow suit in stepping down off the throne. Maybe they'd secretly thank them for the opportunity.

The sky grew dark by the time they reached the front of the line. Like Raina in the driver's seat, Toki grew nervous as to how this might pan out. She took deep breaths when the police pointed their flashlights through the windows of the vehicle before them. “All right, this is it. That's Bob, thank Jesus. Everyone just stay quiet, I'll do all the talking.”

“Good eveni—ah, Raina, you finally made it. Figured you might've just gotten impatient and turned back before you got this far.” An older deputy with wispy, wayward eyebrows grinned. “This has been the slowest delay. Lots of people are trying to get out, with this whole Marshall Law business.”

“I didn't think that actually passed.”

“Not yet. Word on the grapevine is Offdensen's in a meeting about it right now, or possibly in the morning. I don't know. Dethklok's important, but are they important enough for members of Congress to give up their beauty sleep?”

Raina chuckled. “Well, I would assume that he'd wait until he had permission to shit on privacy law to announce a couple of his boys went missing.”

“Could be he wanted to attract a ransom demand, if that's what whoever took them's hoping to get out of it. Or try to shake them out of the tree. Both seemed to fail so far, much as I've heard.”

“Too bad. I wonder what they'd be doing in Vegas, anyway. It's not by any means close to Mordhaus.”

“That's what _I_ keep saying. You'd think Charles would have a shorter leash on his boys, than this. How could he ever lose track of them? He knows more than anyone else how important they are, and how many people would love to attempt their lives. If anything, I'd say this is _his_ failure, above all else. It could be a matter of pride, why he waited so long to take it to the public. Nobody ever wants to admit they screwed up that badly. Hell, I know _I_ wouldn't.”

Toki bit his tongue, to keep from correcting the man. Maybe an element of truth existed in that, but just because they outsmarted Charles and managed to escape, that didn't mean Charles was inept.

“Anyway, this line of vehicles stretches back far as the eye can see. You best be on your way, and enjoy the scenic route to New Mexico.”

“Thanks, Bob. Give my regards to Gladys.”

With her window rolled back up and the vehicle climbing in speed once they cleared the parked cruisers, Raina took a deep breath. “Well. That wasn't as bad as I thought. Might as well get some rest, everyone. It's another six hundred miles to Albuquerque.” 


	40. Anarchy

One by one, all the passengers dozed off in the vehicle. Weird dreams kept rousing Toki, ensuring he saw every hour on the dashboard clock. Clouds obscuring the moon and starlight offered no geographical insight as to how far they'd come. He stumbled out of the Escalade with everyone else during a bathroom break, then fell back asleep as Raùl took up position behind the wheel. Still not caught up in rest and comfortable, Toki conked out until Raùl's snores from the passenger seat thwarted him. Skwisgaar had already woken too, and María gazed boredly out the back window.

“Where ares we?” Toki yawned.

“Just about to Gallup. Welcome to New Mexico, mijo.” Raina stretched her back by pulling up straight. “We'll be in Albuquerque in a couple more hours. Los Lunas, more accurately.”

“We's in the clear, huh?” The odd cloud floated over a sandy landscape riddled with straw-like foliage. Meeting what Toki deemed an appropriate amount of traffic boosted his confidence that they'd slipped back into obscurity. “Are they sayings anything on the radio?”

“Ams a mess,” Skwisgaar confirmed. “You woulds t'ink dat people would be happies to help out as much as dey can, to finds us.”

“Whats you mean?”

“Lots of homes are still refusing to open their doors for the klokateers. Which, naturally, gives the impression that they have something to hide. It's not been much of a peaceful morning in Las Vegas. . .which makes it all the better that we got out when we did.”

“How longs ago was that?” Toki fiddled with the radio controls in the centre console's rear. Mindful of Raùl, he kept the volume low.

“. . . _Plenty of backlash surrounding Congress' controversial decision to grant Dethklok Incorporated and its affiliates the authority of Marshall Law on American soil. Las Vegas has become the stratagem’s testing ground through the search for Skwisgaar Skwigelf and Toki Wartooth, and the policy is already failing less than two hours after the president's signature dried_. . .”

“. . . _Is it any wonder? I mean, how much are we expected to take? Why do we, the citizens of a country founded on freedom, need to sacrifice that right? This is_ my _house,_ my _property, and I won't be treated like a criminal. I want the respect that I deserve. Or is that too much to ask of my government, anymore_. . . _?_ ”

“. . . _The riots on East Bonanza and East Bonnyville have been extinguished, but Fremont Street continues to spiral into chaos. As for the Rotary Park fire, it's now crossed over into neighbouring Cragin Park. The Las Vegas Fire Department has advised anyone living between West Oakley and Alta Drive to vacate their homes. The fire is estimated to spread at a starting rate of ten miles per hour and will engulf beyond the Fire Department's capability to contain, if citizens continue to inhibit the city's services as protest to Marshall Law_. . .”

“. . .' _We're separate!_ Separate! _' Horrifying final words, for a firefighter bombarded by gunfire as he attempted to cross the resident-imposed line on the South Valley-Alta intersection. The police are doing their best to remind citizens of this fact, although their accomplice status to the klokateers have turned them into enemies_. . .”

“. . . _It's easy watching from the outside, to understand the difference between authority and Dethklok's imposition, but mob mentality, fear, and outrage are quickly breaking down the constructs of power in Clark County. We're. . .we're just receiving word. . .the handful of police officers unaccounted for have reappeared, on the rooftop of the MGM Grand. Their assailants appear to be throwing them over with—these are makeshift lynchings, with the nooses tightening enough as the rope goes taut to snap the heads off. The decapitated remains of one departed officer have already spread through the crowd below_. . .”

“. . . _The U.S. Army is slated to hit the pavement within the next half hour, in order to combat the disorder_. . .”

“ _No, we can't back out now_ ,” Charles voice broke through the mass of confusion. “ _The fact still remains that Toki and Skwisgaar are somewhere in this city. After everything that's happened since our in-depth search began, it's become more urgent that we locate them as quickly as possible and assert their safety. I don't need to remind anyone of the consequences—both domestic and international—should they become fatalities to anarchy—_ ”

“Okay, turn that shit off. I can't listen to it anymore,” Raina requested.

Morbid fascination held Toki's attention through it all, but her prompting ended that. With new silence, wherein Raina's lips tightly pressed and Skwisgaar chewed intently on his thumbnail, it sunk into Toki just _how much_ trouble their road trip created. “We gots to go back. We gots to hand ourselves in.”

“There's no point. It's not going to fix anything.”

“Maybes not with what happened so far, but how many cities are goings to be turned upside down, when Charles realize we're nots there?” Toki leaned up against the passenger seat. “Raina, please lets me borrow your cell phone. I calls him and tells him where we are, then it can all stops.”

“Put your seatbelt back on,” she snapped over her shoulder. “Why should you assume responsibility for what your old manager is doing? He'll figure it out soon enough. How long can it possibly take anyway, until Congress retracts the bill? They won't let him do this again.”

“This coulds has been prevented, though—”

Toki lurched forward as Raina slammed the brakes, waking Raùl in the process. His demand to know what brought that on went unanswered as pale blue eyes were drilled into by the woman's dark browns. “Sit. _Back_.”

Unsure, Toki looked to Skwisgaar. His gaze flitted in Raina's direction. “She ams right. Dis amn'ts our fault. Whatever Charles do amn'ts up to us.”

So what were they supposed to do? Allow Charles to press forward through Vegas' burning streets, in search for something that didn't exist? What happened to the man, when he came up empty-handed? How would he explain it away? How would need for reparation payment reflect on the band, especially if it ever got out that an innocent joy ride escalated into such violence? This wasn't Dethklok's usual, destructive nature, but a full-out war against an insubstantial enemy.

Keeping his thoughts and uncertainty to himself, Toki obeyed Raina's order to buckle up. Was it worth it? If the whole world burned like this as Dethklok crashed, then the fire would eventually lick at whatever door they hid behind. They couldn't run forever, and weren't they total fools to believe that? The band worked hard for the resources Charles expended in order to stabilize the situation. Toki accepted long ago that people died because of fanaticism—he couldn't swallow _this_ so easily, though. The motive became dubious, and the victims simply caught in the crossfire. These ones didn't deserve to die. Toki couldn't condone that, nor would he be able to sleep with it weighing his conscience.

Toki was barely shown to his new room in Raina's Los Lunas home before passing it up for Skwisgaar's. He didn't see much of a point to putting his clothes in the dresser drawers, either. Who knew how long it'd be, before urgency forced them to uproot again? Toki assumed they'd remain in Vegas far longer than the three days they actually spent. Would the storm Charles instigated keep pushing them east? When did it end? _Would_ it end? What if Congress deemed Vegas pointless, if nothing came of the klokateers' effort? If their decision eventually helped Charles uncover his guitarists, didn't that validate all means necessary?

“Hey.” Skwisgaar set his guitar aside when Toki remained at the door, hands knotted in front of his sternum. “Come heres.”

“We gots to think really, really hard, elskling,” Toki stated as he sat down beside. “I can'ts help but feel like this is our fault. If we gaves ourselves up last night, none of this woulds has happened.”

“Porhaps not, but we amn'ts guilty. We gots not'ing to do wit' what Charles decided. He didn'ts have to infiltrates de city like dat. De people didn'ts have to t'ink dat de govornment ams restrictings deir freedom. Dey didn'ts have to riot. We weren'ts dere in de street, killings police officer and startings fire, to gets dem all going. How cans you say dat dis am our faults?”

“Is because of us.” Toki folded his arms over an ailing stomach. He never could handle this much stress. “Charles think we're in dangers. He's doing this because he thinks is for the greaters good.”

“Dat don'ts obligate us to gives in. He _must_ realgize dat we weren'ts force to leave Mordhaus. I mean, dem teenagers we gots de Mustang off of probablies told him dat we tradeds.”

“He didn'ts get concern until he founds the car with its tires blown out, though.”

“What if we onlies did dat as a ruse?”

“Why woulds we? We was so fars ahead of him.”

“Maybes we weres cocky.”

“So then why haven'ts we surrenders ourselves yet?” Toki rubbed his forehead. “Skwis, whats if we made a mistake? How does we know we can trust Raina? We barelies know her. We's known Charles for _years_. He has provens that he only want the best for us. Why woulds we pick anyone over him?”

“You ams talking about de man dat prod us like cattle, every step of de way. He lies to us, he kills people dat get too close. He gaves up on lookings for you, when you and Abigails went missing. You remembers Melmord? Ja, I trieds to find dat article he talked about. Didn'ts exkist. Melmord wasn'ts no childs molester. Charles gots rid of him because he didn'ts want to lose out on beings our manager. And why? I t'inks how rich we mades him am pretty selfs-explanatory.”

Toki sighed. “Is just all so confusing. I shoulds has never turned the radio on. I don'ts know what to think. Everything's so murky.”

“We needs to keep focused.” Skwisgaar rubbed his back. “We can'ts lose sight. We haves come so far. Nobodies but someone dat care about us coulds has gottens us out of dere.”

“If Charles is capables of using us likes that, what make you think Raina's any different? What if she's lying? Maybe she's dangerous. We's never had good luck, whenever someone outsmarts Charles.”

“We can'ts go back, Toki. I refuse to.”

“We mights has been better off on our own, is whats I mean.”

“And how ams we goings to manage dat, when—” Skwisgaar furrowed his brow. “When she won'ts let us go.”

“But we's better off with her, if we wants independence. Who knows, what woulds has happen if we stayeds in Vegas? What ifs we got caught up in all that mess? What ifs we got hurt, or worse? But woulds it has happened, if she let us gets into contact with Charles?”

“She can'ts let us go, because we mights fuck up t'ing for all de people she am tryings to help. But I wouldn'ts has said anyt'ing about it, woulds _you?_ ” Skwisgaar asked. “I woulds has been perfectlies content to lets it go. I wants to help dem just as much as _she_ does. Why woulds I jeopardize dat?”

“Charles mights has grilled us, about where we wents.”

“We coulds lie. He can'ts make us talk about anyt'ing.”

Toki lowered his voice. “Do you thinks is too late? We could stills get out of here, if we reason with her. This isn'ts a game, no more. This isn'ts about us layings low enough to nots be found. We's fucked up a lot of stuff. If we gets into contact with Charles, we cans tell him that we were here the wholes time and that the car beings left was a trick because we thoughts he was rights on our ass. We didn'ts mean for any of this other stuffs to happen, and we onlies _just_ heards about it.”

“Or evens if we tells him de truth, dat don'ts mean no one else have to know. He _coulds_ has just found us, in Vegas.”

With a new sigh, Toki laid back on the bed. “Maybes we over-thinking it. We's stuck in all the emotion. I mean, we haves to consider what happen if we gives ourselves up. Those consequences hasn'ts changed. We's going to be way worse off than how we haves it here. Raina likes us and she cares abouts us. She takes care of us. We gots to let this all rides out, then sees how we feel. Ja?”

“Ja.”

Nerves hampered Toki all afternoon, as he watched Skwisgaar's fingers work out his stress across the Thunderhorse's fretboard. He ached to turn the television on, but fear of catching the midst of destruction held him at bay. How long would it take, for everything to cool down? Days, on this scale?

Whatever happened, Toki couldn't summon an appetite until he knew for sure. With an arm draped over Skwisgaar's back as they laid beside each other on their stomachs, the blank screen sprung to life. As predicted, Toki didn't need to change the channel in order to view the carnage as earlier described on the radio. Fires still raged throughout the city, but smoke plaguing the air hinted toward the number of others extinguished. Helicopters—both marked with Dethklok and army insignia—patrolled the skies. 'Attempt at Containment in Effect' was written in capital letters across the screen's bottom.

“. . . _with the klokateers changing focus from their search to aiding the army, the bloodiest day in recent American history is coming to a close. Twenty-percent of riots have been dissolved, and the fire departments from neighbouring North Las Vegas, Paradise, Sunset Valley, and Henderson, along with volunteers, have contained thirty-five percent of the fires. With millions of dollars in damage done so far and no guitarists found, we await Charles Offdensen's statement at the top of the hour._ ”

“Oogh. . .amn'ts de forst city we destroy, I guess?” Skwisgaar reached for optimism.

“Maybes. . .is the price we pay for freedoms?”

“Ams quite de price. But when you ams in Dethklok, ams different dan what normal peoples deal wit'.”

“At least if we aren'ts in the band, this can'ts happen no mores. Maybes the last time gots to be biggers than the rest, in orders for us to sees that. No way cans Charles keep doing this.”

“Switch it overs to CSPAN,” Skwisgaar suggested. They didn't even need to see the channel name on the bottom corner of the screen to know when they landed on it; a room full of formally dressed, respectable people had descended into similar madness. All stood, red in the face, as they jabbed fingers at whomever opposed their opinion.

“ _We should have_ never _passed that, look at the destruction we condoned!_ ”

“ _You're only saying that because Toki and Skwisgaar weren't found. You wouldn't care if thousands were dead, otherwise! And now look, who says_ they _won't be pulled out of the carnage in body bags?_ ”

“ _We couldn't predict the number of citizens that would oppose. Generally, when it comes to Dethklok, people are more tolerant._ ”

“ _We should have never granted this band or its company so much power. Look at it now! Its authority nearly bypasses that of the U.S. government's! Who runs this country, us or them?_ ”

“ _What power do we have, when they_ are _the economy? What would you have us do, intentionally crash the market?_ ”

“ _This band is the decline of American values incarnate! Since when has the goal of this nation been to cater to plutocracy? We've given them the market, the power, and our voters' freedom! And now, we've given them_ us! _We need to shut them down_ immediately!”

Toki and Skwisgaar didn't need to change the channel, nor be reminded that the top of the hour came with a national address by Charles. He appeared before them, further unkempt and sweating at his hairline. “ _Ah, while I wait for a verdict from Congress regarding the stance on Marshall Law, I cannot with certainty state the next course of action. I will, however, confirm that our search for Toki and Skwisgaar remains unsuccessful._

“ _Boys. . ._ ” The man sighed. “ _if you're watching this, I want you to know that regardless of bureaucracy, I'm not giving up. I'm coming for you, I_ will _find you, and everything's going to be all right._ ”


	41. Suspicion

The image of a distraught Charles haunted Toki, as he stared at his ceiling in the morning's wee hours. How Skwisgaar managed to fall asleep, Toki had no idea. He snored beside him, and while Toki blamed that racket briefly for keeping him awake, the tumultuous knots in his stomach stated otherwise.

Freedom seemed less possible, with every passing day. Worst possible intentions aside, Toki grew tired of playing the pawn. Mordhaus remained the last place he wanted to see; he knew too well the hell awaiting him there, and it became less tolerable with every new minute of peace he experienced away from it. Vegas' ruin too originated from the viking citadel. This latest crisis certainly put things into perspective.

As for Raina. . .maybe he and Skwisgaar _were_ still prisoners. Maybe, if they tried to leave, she or Raùl would point a gun in their direction. But how could he cast her in bad light when she poised to take care of them so well? Outside her clutches, what kind of freedom would they _really_ earn? They'd be forced to settle, once the money they withdrew in Brewster ran dry. They'd have to get jobs, and therefore face a lack of skills and education. They wouldn't have identification, nor be able to leave the country without gaining attention. Hiding while running was easy. While stationary. . .not so much. Especially with Charles so close on their asses. At least if Raina found value in them, she'd fight to the end of the Earth to keep her payday.

Fatigue finally won out, and Toki drifted off. So he assumed anyway, since he came to again as Skwisgaar slid in beside him. Habitually, he gravitated closer. “What times is it?”

“Six, I t'ink.”

Toki scrutinized the unintentional waver at the tail-end of Skwisgaar's short statement. “Ares you okay? You sounds like you beens crying.”

“I'ms fine. Just. . .needs to rest.”

“Talks to me.”

“Wents downstair, and everyone was upsets. I guess Jorge and Santos were borneds pretty badly, when de house on Paradise Isle caughts fire. Santos am covereds in t'ree degree borns. . .Jorge didn'ts make it. Raina gots a call from de hospital, lettings her know.”

“Wowie.” Even if Toki didn't much care for the two men after what they did to Skwisgaar, he still felt a pang of sympathy. “That upsets you?”

“I hate seeings kid cry.”

Toki's nose twitched. “You smells like booze.”

“Ja, when María go to beds, Raùl, Raina, and I broughts out a bottle. Dey neededs it.” Skwisgaar's speech slurred a bit too, as he grew less careful about hiding it. “Has beens a fucked up day. I just wishes to sleep.”

Toki tightened his grip on the man when he tried to move. “No, no, stays here.”

Unable to surpass a couple more hours of rest, Toki disentangled and headed downstairs to find something to eat. Now that the immediacy of disaster faded away, his stomach gnawed with hunger. Much to his surprise, he wasn't the only one up and about. Raùl watched some sort of sports coverage in the living room. Toki joined him after cutting up some fruit; the man seemed carefree, which struck Toki as odd.

“Can you believe this?” Raùl eventually gestured at the television. “La Pandilla bounced back and beat the Tigres. We missed the best match they've probably ever played against each other.”

“That sucks.” Toki swallowed a mouthful of grapefruit. “Um. . .sorries for you loss.”

“¿Que?”

“Your. . .” But Raùl had no idea what Toki referred to. He'd rested well the night before, didn't reek of tequila, and if someone got so emotional over sport and televised drama, surely he wouldn't disconnect when tragedy struck real life. “Nevers mind. I needs to go.”

“¡Buenos!” María greeted Toki with her normal amount of cheerfulness when they met on the stairs. She carried on her merry way as Toki stared after her. So she too—if Skwisgaar offered an accurate account of last night—wasn't affected.

Maybe this made Toki a bad boyfriend, but he needed to know immediately, after the last big fight he and Skwisgaar engaged in. Was making a huge mistake what upset him? Would Raina do this? Of course, not many had the power to resist Skwisgaar when he set his mind to something. The mental image of that made Toki sick to his stomach.

Luckily, he got back to the bedroom before Skwisgaar could hit the shower. Doing his best not to wake the man, Toki sniffed his breath. No pussy there. Nor on his fingers. His ass remained dry and, as for his dick—

“What ams you doing?” Skwisgaar half-roused as Toki burrowed under the blankets. In attempt for a quick cover and having found no evidence of cheating there, Toki brought the reflexive morning wood past his lips. He expected to silence the man—and, in relief, Toki _wanted_ to blow him—but instead Skwisgaar made an odd squeal of protest. Squirming landed something to collide with Toki's nose, causing his eyes to water.

Light poured in from the lifted blanket. “What de hell ams you doing?”

“Isn'ts it obvious?”

“Dat amn't somet'ing you can just springs on me!”

“Since when?” Toki slid off the bed, hurt now and further confused. “You likes getting your dick sucked.”

“Ja, when I ams expecting it!” Wide, bewildered eyes brought guilt upon Toki. “You can'ts do dat.”

“Well. . .I'm sorries. I didn'ts know, and you didn'ts tell me.”

With a sigh, Skwisgaar laid back down. A hot bath beckoned Toki in his assigned room, in which he sunk down to his chin. Screwing up with Skwisgaar's comfort zones made Toki briefly forget that he still had another mystery to solve. He didn't want to believe Skwisgaar hid anything substantial from him, but then why did he spin such a lie? Were Santos and Jorge actually injured or dead? Did Skwisgaar even see Raina, last night? Did he simply find it embarrassing to have gotten so drunk that he bawled his eyes out? Shit, it wouldn't be the _first_ time, so why not just admit it?

“¡Por el amor de Dios, no!”

A tortured wail followed from the main floor. Curious, Toki scrambled out of the tub and donned a robe. Raùl laid on the living room floor while a red-eyed and blotchy-faced Raina slouched on the couch. María curled up beside her, fat tears leaking from her eyes as the saddest sobs wracked her little body.

“What happened?” Toki ventured.

“I know you didn't know them too well,” Raina cleared emotion from her throat, “but Santos and Jorge got caught up in the fires yesterday.”

Toki slowly nodded as the news of Jorge's passing was broke to him for the second time. “Wowie, is horrible. I's incredibly sorries this had to happen.”

Hopefully he and Skwisgaar were worth such a tragedy. Toki hadn't considered yet all those people Raina left behind in the city; did any of the non-carded immigrants die too? What about their children? Were any orphaned? Since Toki didn't know those being mourned as well as the other three, he left them to their grief.

“Hey.” After quickly redressing, Toki traversed back to Skwisgaar's room. He'd risen as well, getting as far as sitting on the edge of the bed with his guitar. “How's you feelings?”

“Meh.”

“I'm really sorries. I wouldn'ts has done that, if you knews when we talked about what I can and can'ts do that you wouldn'ts be cool with it.” Toki crashed onto the bed behind him, worming about so that he could observe the hypnotizing effect of Skwisgaar's fretting hand. “Hey. . .how comes you lied to me?”

“Abouts what?”

“Jorge and Santos.”

“Jorge ams dead, Santos ams borned. I didn'ts lie.”

“María and Raùl onlies just found out about it.”

“So?”

“So you saids that seeing María cry upsets you.” Toki pushed Skwisgaar's shoulder. “Why won'ts you tell me the truth? Why the big secret? What's you trying to hide?”

“What you t'ink, dat—?” Skwisgaar's mindless playing ground to a halt. “Hold ons a minute. . .does you t'ink I beens fucking around? Ams _dat_ why you was under de blanket dis morning? Was you tryings to smell my dick?”

Never able to lie all that well, Toki couldn't consider it an option when Skwisgaar huffed, “ _Pff_ , gets de fucks out of my room. I can'ts believe dis: I don'ts tell you _one t'ing_ and you am smellings my dick—nots to menskin puttings my dick in your mouth when I ams asleep! Maybes I don'ts tell you t'ing because it am somet'ing you should just keeps out of! Don'ts _dat_ cross your mind? Dat maybes I ams entitleds to privacy for t'ing I don'ts wish to talks about?”

“So why don'ts you _say_ that? What's I supposed to think? You comes back upset and smellings like booze, and you _weres_ with Raina last night—goes ahead and tries to deny that, when onlies you two knew abouts Jorge and Santos—and you beens pesterings me abouts having an open relatesingip, so isn'ts much of a leap to concludes that you gots drunk and boned someones.”

Skwisgaar's expression contorted into disgust. “ _Pff_ , I wouldn'ts fuck Raina. She ams like a moms to me, and moms don't fucks deir sons. Or de ot'er ways around.”

“She's only like four years older thans you, and there isn'ts much for boundaries you not willings to cross in orders to get your dick wet.”

“Okay, dat ams alls I can takes!” Skwisgaar snapped, pointing at the door. His voice rose an octave. “Gets de fuck outs!”

Instead, Toki rolled onto his back and folded his fingers behind his head. “I thinks I's pretty comfortable heres, thanks you very much.”

“You makes me sick to my stomachs wit' all dese accusations and—and. . .!”

“Holies, just calm down and we cans talk about this reasonablies. Dids you forget to change your tampon, or something?”

“Gets _out!_ ”

Skwisgaar's open palm nearly collided with Toki's cheek; Toki clutched his wrist just in time. Laughter only angered Skwisgaar further. “Aren'ts you overreactings a bit? I don'ts think you cheateds on me, anyway.”

“I's fuckings over dat. I wants you _out_. Get _out_ , _out_ , _out!_ ”

“Hey!” A closed fist landed against Toki's stomach. It didn't hurt, but that wasn't much the point. “You gots no right to hits me!”

“Apparentlies your ears amn'ts working!”

Skwisgaar turned his attention to Toki's leg, as a foot against his chest maintained distance between them. “If you don'ts quit, I's going to does more than defend myself!”

“Den fuckings do it, I _dares_ you!”

Toki bent his knee for leverage, to catapult Skwisgaar away. Satisfaction dawned first, then regret as Skwisgaar landed on his ass. The man clutched his back, where he'd collided with the corner of his dresser's top. “Ow. . .”

“Serves you right,” Toki maintained righteousness as he stood to depart. “Don'ts hit me again, _ever_. You cans come find me when you's ready to apolsgesize.”

He laughed about the ridiculousness of it, back in his room. What did it matter, if Skwisgaar had proved Toki's hunch wrong? As far as Toki was concerned, they were completely fine. He smiled when his bedroom door opened, expecting his lover, but instead, Raina entered. The less-than-impressed expression on her face immediately killed any restlessness in Toki to run his fingers over Skwisgaar.

“Well, I hope you're happy. I just bandaged up a nine inch long gash on Alejandro's back. Mind telling me what that was about?”

“He started it.”

“That's not what _he_ says. You accused him of something deplorable, and then refused to leave when he grew upset.”

“Dids he tell you _what_ I accused him of?”

“Si, he did. And frankly, I find it just as disgusting. I'm like his _mother_. There is a very sacred boundary that separates him from I. Neither of us would ever dream to cross it. I can't believe I even need to explain this to you.”

“Well, apparentlies I's stupid then, because the last times I checked, you _weren'ts_ his mother. His mother's an old bag of a slut livings in Sweden.”

“When I took you two as my sons, that made me your mother. María isn't biologically mine either, but do you think that makes a difference? Neither were—” Raina pressed his lips together. “I can't handle anymore stress. I know you two don't always get along, but can you try a little harder? I won't tolerate you hitting each other. That's not how we solve issues, in my house.”

Since when? She'd hit Santos and Jorge right in front of Toki and Skwisgaar, when they first met. “You aren'ts my real mom, so quits telling me what to do. Skwis and I ares grown men, we can settles our own fights.”

“Apparently not, if he comes to me with a blood-soaked shirt.” Raina's nostrils flared. “If that's your stance on everything, then obviously you haven't thought hard enough about what you did. You can sit in here until you're ready to apologize.”

“Psh, I don'ts have anything to apolgesize for.” Toki rolled away from her, onto his side. “All I dids was defend myself. He was tryings to hit _me_.”

Toki frowned as the locks on his door clicked into place. Why would Skwisgaar run to _her_ , instead of settling it like a man? Sure, Charles or the other guys intervened sometimes on their fights, but things changed since those days. Toki and Skwisgaar worked hard to learn how to communicate. Did Skwisgaar only tattle in order to take the easy way out? Maybe they _weren't_ both grown men. Or maybe Skwisgaar knew this would land Toki in renewed confinement. Either way, Toki discerned two reasons now, for an apology to come his way. 


	42. Gap

Priggish attitude didn't last, once Toki had long enough to consider his actions more in-depth. Although undecided whether or not Skwisgaar deserved the benefit of the doubt—given his expression of need for an open relationship, in past—he still deserved the chance to explain himself. Perhaps Toki should've waited for him to wake up before calmly approaching him. But, if Skwisgaar lied about what he did while creeping around the house, who said he wouldn't perpetuate it? Even if he had no liaison to confess to, the uncertainty would drive Toki out of his mind.

Still, Raina was right; with enough time alone, Toki compiled his list of wrongdoings through the entire scenario. He shouldn't have accused Skwisgaar of inappropriate impartiality regarding his sexual partners. When he crossed that line, he should have respected Skwisgaar's desire for space, rather than goading him into physical retribution. He _definitely_ shouldn't have kicked him into the dresser. The resultant wound created pure fuel for chest-searing guilt.

The locks clicked open around dinner time; Raina, alone, held a plate with pizza on it. “We just called in, tonight. Alejandro said hawaiian was your favourite.”

Toki expected her to leave the plate, but while it situated on his bedside table, she took a seat near where Toki laid. “You look calmer, than earlier.”

“I feels like an idiot. Dids I really hurt him that bad?”

“You need to be more careful. Punching and kicking might be acceptable when you're bandmates or friends, but it's completely off-bounds with your romantic partner. I won't stand for it under my roof. Would you treat María like that?”

“She's ten.”

“What does it matter? She's practically your sibling.”

Toki pulled a face. “Don'ts compare us like that. Me and Skwisgaar aren'ts brothers. Nots biologicallys, and nots in any other way. We's—likes you said. He's my boyfriend.”

“I'm merely trying to illustrate a point. Whatever sort of relationship you share, fists and feet are out of the question. I'm willing to unlock your door, if you're ready to apologize.”

“Ja.” Toki leapt up, ignoring his dinner. “Where is he?”

Skwisgaar sat again on the edge of his bed. He grew apprehensive when Toki walked in, though the tension in his shoulders melted away as Raina pulled up the rear.

“Sebastian has something to tell you, mijo.”

“I'm sorries,” Toki said. “I was a dick. I shouldn'ts has assumed the worst of you, and I shouldn'ts has made you out to be a sluts. I shoulds has left when you asked me to. And I shouldn'ts has hurt you.”

Skwisgaar returned to his scales. “Okay.”

“You forgives me?”

“I t'inks about it.”

Raina touched Toki's back, to get his attention. “I'll leave you two boys alone.”

With that, Toki delved further into the room. Arms crossed, he grew annoyed again when Skwisgaar commenced to ignore him. “Don'ts you got anything to says to _me?_ ”

“Nots much, besides that I woulds like to be bys myself.”

“Don'ts you owe me an apology?”

“For whats? I didn'ts do anyt'ing wrong. I hads every right to be mads about what you said to me, nots to menskin what you accused me ofs. And, last I checked, you amn'ts de one wit' a strip of meat missings from your back.”

“I didn'ts mean for that to happen, elskling. You gots to admit, this whole things is stupids. Whats we fighting for, huh? Was a misunderstandings. Ifs you're mad because I offendeds you, we cans talk about that.”

“I don'ts wish to talks about anyt'ing rights now. I ams too mad.”

“Then tells me what you wants, because Toki wishes to lays it all outs on the table and puts it behind us, so thats he can starts taking care of you again.”

“I wants to be lefts alone, likes I already said.”

“Well. . .I's really sorry, for whats is worth.”

What else could Toki do? Shoulders slumped, he returned to his bedroom. Growing sad and without appetite, his pizza went down in small bites. Not until now did he realize just how much he relied on Skwisgaar to not feel alone in this place.

Toki grew tired of waiting for him to come around as night settled in. Something still plead absent from the entire equation. Maybe Skwisgaar didn't fuck Raina, but that didn't negate the fact that he returned to bed with reddened eyes and something he didn't want to talk about. Perhaps he approached the wrong person about it.

María headed to bed first, followed by Raùl around ten o'clock. Certain Raina remained awake, Toki crept downstairs. Her office door sat closed, deflecting him briefly, but he couldn't help to eavesdrop when her voice carried a variety of stress he'd yet to hear in her.

“. . .You need to give me more time. I've had family die today, and—no, they won't be sold. How am I going to do that, when they're dead? The children, perhaps. Go ahead and threaten that, I just lost three of my complexes to fire, and I don't even want to _think_ about how long it's going to take to squeeze compensation out of my insurance company. I have very little money now, so if you want to go ahead and ruin the rest of my business, then you can kiss the idea of getting repaid goodbye. Francisco, don't be so juvenile. What's killing _me_ going to do? Are you going to bring your cronies and steal my appliances? Would that satisfy you? No, I'm done with that. I told you, if it can't breathe, eat, and shit, I'm not bringing it across the border.”

Toki skirted away as her conversation tied up, assuming a position of innocence in the kitchen. She came in after him, reflecting her stress through rigidity. He smiled at her from beside the microwave. “Hopes is okay I haves more pizza.”

“Si, mijo. You eat as much as you want.” She opened the fridge.

“How's you doing?”

“It's been a shitty day.” The bottle of beer hissed when popped. “Thirsty?”

“I coulds drink,” Toki conceded. If Raina hadn't already closed the door on him about her business, he'd like to know some things. Why was she selling children? How much did she owe this Francisco, and why? Wasn't he her family too? Didn't family stick together, in the criminal underground? “Cans I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead.”

“You mentioneds earlier that María isn'ts yours.”

“She is.”

“Biologicallys, though. She's not?”

Raina shook her head. “I can't have kids. I adopted her when she was a baby, in Tegucigalpa. She doesn't know, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her.”

“Of course nots.” Toki sipped his beer, then took up one of the stools at the island table. Now, by 'adopt', did she mean buy? Some things, he realized, had to be taken with a grain of salt. “Nots that I could, anyway. Can't speak Spanish very wells yet.”

“What about it?”

“Just curious. How's Santos?”

“As of a couple hours ago, still not awake. They're keeping him under. Brad and Fernando are monitoring him, for me.” The wrinkles on Raina's forehead became more apparent with a heavy sigh. “What a mess. I can't believe this is really happening. It's easy, at a distance, to pretend it hasn't. Have you seen the footage, though? What's this country come to? I got out of Mexico to _escape_ this.”

“Is one thing you're going to learn, now thats you got me and Sk—Alejandro. This kind of bullshits tend to follow us around.” Toki smiled tightly.

“It's not new to me. Partly that's good, mostly it's just sad. I've learned you can't start a fresh life without a little bit of violence at your back.”

“Dids anyone else get hurt? Skwisgaar mentioned—”

“Alejandro,” Raina automatically corrected him.

“Right. Um, Alejandro mentioned that people died in that first house we stayed at.”

“It's true. I don't even want to think about that, right now. May I ask that you respect that?”

Toki nodded. “Then cans I ask you about this morning?”

“What about it?”

“Skwis—oh, for fuck's sake, Alejandro—wokes me up when he crawleds back into bed around six o'clock. He knews about Santos and Jorge, so that's how I assumeds he was talkings to you. I don'ts believe that you two slepts together, and I apolgesize for insinuatings it. Is just hard sometimes. You know what he's been likes. Sex is so easies for him, and I thinks he forget that other people see it differently.”

“Anyone with minor knowledge of his life in Dethklok knows his track record,” Raina confirmed.

“He won'ts talk to me. Dids he say anything to you, this morning?”

“Not really, no.”

“But he did?”

Raina shook her head. “I didn't give him much of a chance. I had my own bullshit to deal with. He just listened.”

“What's he hiding from me, then? I don't get it.”

“I can't tell you what you're looking for, mijo. I'm sorry.”

Toki sighed. “Well. . .thanks anyway.”

After sharing a few more beers with her, Toki trailed back upstairs. He didn't feel any further ahead than when he initially sought out information. Unable to give up, Skwisgaar's room drew him in; the man still sat in the same place, focused on his instrument. “You realize you don'ts need to plays like that anymore, right? What's you practicing for?”

Skwisgaar shrugged.

“I don'ts know what's going on. Neithers does Raina. Why won'ts you talk to me?”

“Why you goings poking around? It amn'ts any of your business.”

“It _is_ my business, because you's my boyfriend. You don'ts have to tells me what's wrong, if it something else entirelies. You haves every rights to be mad at me for how I acteds earlier, but this was goings on longer than that. I don'ts need to know anything, if the trade-off is you puttings these walls back up.”

“How many times does I have to say I don'ts want to talks about it?” Skwisgaar's tone sharpened with impatience. “You ams dis broken fuckings record. Tells me dis, tells me dat, well, dids it ever occurs to you dat maybe dere am t'ing dat you _amn'ts_ entitleds to know? Dis am just likes up north alls over again. Why ams you tryings to worms every littles bit of information outs of me? Can'ts you lets me have any privacy?”

“What's that gots to do with anything? All I wants to know is thats we okay. I saids already that I was wrongs to suspect you maybes cheating, and I didn'ts need to looks into it likes I did.” Considering again what Skwisgaar said, Toki furrowed his brow. “Wait a minutes, whats you mean that there's things I's not entitled to know? What dids you tell her?”

“Ams none of your business. I don'ts wish to repeats it, nots to you, nots to _anyone_ , ever.”

“But you'll tells _her_ something likes that? Whats the hell, Skwis? Why woulds you trust _her_ with a secret and nots _me?_ ”

“I don'ts wish to repeats it, and after de bullshits you pull today, I amn'ts exactly considerings budging on dat.” Skwisgaar averted his gaze back to his guitar. “Now, if you don'ts mind, I don'ts wish to talks about dis anymore. Evens menskining it ams making me so uncomfsable.”

“No,” Toki righteously breezed, standing taller. “I wants to know.”

“You amn'ts going to.”

“Come on, tells me!”

“ _You saids_ dat you wouldn'ts do dis again!” Skwisgaar snapped. “Keeps your fucking word, how abouts? You ams on my absolute last norve, wit' dis. If you can'ts respect me enough to lets me decide when I ams ready to disclose somet'ing—or whet'ers I does at all—den I gots not'ing else to says to you. _Go_.”

“Right,” Toki backpedalled with a hand down his face. “Sorry, this has beens a really weird day for me. Can'ts we just—”

“Afters everyt'ing you haves accused me ofs and dones to me since dis morning, I am _so done_ wit' you rights now. I don'ts even want to looks at your face. How abouts you goes to your room and lets me have some peace fors a little while? Coulds you at least gives me _dat_ , afters I'ves only asked abouts a million fucking time?”

Toki tried a couple more times to engage Skwisgaar, but being ignored led him to slam his bedroom door as hard as he could. He didn't care if he woke anyone up by it. Throwing a couple items around eased the more immediate shades of his frustration, but with that chipping away slight nausea rose from his stomach. He couldn't do anything right; that obsessive thought eased in further panic. Combatting a full-out attack with even breathing and positive thoughts was ineffective.

“Mijo.” Raina yawned and pulled her robe tighter in the doorway. “What's going on?”

“Raina,” he pleaded. “You gots to help me.”

“You're having a panic attack. Just try to calm down.”

Toki gasped for breath. “I need space. I needs to go outside.”

“I can't allow that. I could get you a cold face cloth?”

“Just lets me out! I needs to get out of this house!”

Before Toki could get to his feet, Raina departed. The locks clicked, resulting in no more than a rattle when Toki attempted the knob. A flat palm against dark wood did no good, either. 


	43. Confinement

Normally a panic attack would die out, once it pervaded Toki's system and robbed him of around a quarter-hour. This one, thanks to his unchanging situation, refused to relent. He sat still for as long as he could stand it, paced briefly, then wrenched the blinds off so that he could look out over the neighbourhood. Some guy barbecuing in an adjacent yard peered about when Toki banged on the window, but maybe he was too far away or Raina outfitted his room with different glass. The fact that a chair merely bounced off it when thrown certified that.

Toki panted on the floor, mere inches from where the upset piece of furniture settled. All these conflicting notions about Raina—the ones Toki overheard versus the woman he encountered—made him question her. As soon as something didn't go her way, she distanced herself with authority. She wouldn't let him call Charles, she wouldn't let him go outside. . .so where exactly did freedom exist within this confinement? And how could Toki ignore all the signs that she totally fucked with them? She treated them like objects when they first met, and she _sold people_. If she could see other human beings as currency, then how were he and Skwisgaar any different?

Toki pounded on the wall to capture Skwisgaar's attention. “Skwis, I thinks we mades a _huge, huge_ mistake. We need to get out of here, as soon as possible. We need to go home.”

They'd agreed that it didn't matter, so long as they were safe. Well, what if they _were_ only lulled into a false sense of security? Toki continued to call Skwisgaar's name, hoping a desperate tone would permeate his lover's oft-thick skull. His throat growing hoarse forced him to give up; how did he even know Skwisgaar remained in the room? What if Raina already removed him, aware that Toki presented a threat to the rapport she built with his lover?

Fitful worry piqued with a scramble to his feet as the door unlocked. Cautious and maintaining distance, Raina studied him. “Did you get it all out of your system, mijo?”

“Gets what?”

“Come on, you think I didn't hear you?”

Toki stared at her; she hadn't taken up Skwisgaar's position in the other room, had she? “Where is he?”

“Downstairs, but he's not of concern, at the moment. Why don't you trust me, mijo?”

Swallowing with difficulty, Toki stood taller. “I don'ts know exactly what mijo mean, but I don'ts want you calling me that anymore. I's not Sebastian, or anyone else thats you wish me to be, to hides my true identity. My name's Toki Wartooth, I's the rhythm guitarist for Dethklok, and you can'ts trick me anymore.”

“How am I tricking you?”

“You're full of bullshit! All those peoples that died, how's you helpings them by sellings them? By lettings them wind up like María? A slave what don'ts even know a language she coulds ask for help in, if she wasn'ts ignorants enough to believe this a fair life?”

“That's what you believe?”

“Believe? Is the truth!”

“As you see it.”

“No, _not_ just as I sees it!” Frustration balled Toki's hands into fists. “Maybes I can'ts prove it, maybes there no chance for me to be fairly heards in this place, but I's not stupid. I lets you get to me, but not anymores! I's nothing but a prisoner, likes everyone else arounds you.”

“The only reason you're locked in your room is because you're misbehaving. Panic has addled your mind, mijo. Notice how no one here is unhappy but you?”

Toki scoffed. “Ja, because apparentlies I's the only one that gets what goings on. You wants to keep this up? Fine. I woulds have you know though, Charles is never goings to quit until he gets us. Then, when he catches up, I's going to tells him _everything_. You mights be a fan of our music, but you don'ts know what go on underneaths Mordhaus, how we punish peoples that fuck with us. I hopes you ready, because you's going to wish you weres dead for a long time before you's finally granteds that.”

“Is that so?”

“You betters believe it.” Toki crossed his arms. “Unlikes _you_ , I don'ts lie. I don'ts got a reason to.”

“Hm.” The same smile Raina fixed Toki with, when they sat in her Vegas drawing room, reappeared. “You know, I had a feeling that you and I might lock horns. So, my smart little boy, what're you going to do until Charles finds you?”

For all his planning, should they escape, Toki hadn't thought that far ahead. Especially not with his outburst revealing so much of his mind.

“Na-uh. Not a step closer.” Raina lifted the side of her blouse, to indicate a bulgy silhouette on her hip. “Don't think you'd be the first one.”

“I's worth a lot of money. What's you going to do, shoots me execution-style behind the shed?”

“It's possible to shoot someone without killing them, you know. So why don't you just sit tight, hah? I'm going to call in some boys that would like to see you.”

Unsure what that meant and certain this might be his last opportunity for a while, Toki sprinted for the wall as soon as Raina departed. “Skwis, I hope you're there. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be here. I think she's going to separate us for good.”

Depleted completely, Toki's eyes swam in tears. Back against the wall and backside finding fresh purchase on the floor, he ran his fingers through his hair. Did Skwisgaar have any idea what went on? Did he hear any of that, or did he carry on in blissful ignorance? His rightful anger for the day behind them probably left him ready to gravitate closer to Raina.

The next sound of movement came an hour or so later, when a string of people ascended the stairs. Men filed into his room; Toki attempted to appeal to the one he knew amongst them. “Raùl—”

“An order's an order. Sorry, hombre.” Raùl sighed. “You want to go the easy or hard way?”

“What's that mean, exactlies?”

“You can either come along easily with us, or we can pull you kicking and screaming. Go with that, and we'll probably just tase you, though.”

Toki eyed them fearfully. “Where's I going?”

“Just downstairs for a while.”

Toki assumed downstairs to mean the main floor. However, he resisted when directed toward an open door leading further into the house's depths. Raina, María, and Skwisgaar had made themselves scarce, far as Toki could tell. “No, no, I don'ts want to go—”

“Remember what I said.” Raùl had the gall to sound apologetic. Undermining his tone, the threatening crackle of focused electricity released some impromptu urine into Toki's pants. Trembling limbs caused him to nearly fall down the stairs, as his handler directed him into near-pitch darkness. Tears rolled freely down his cheeks, the sobs gone unchecked. How could he go through this all over again? He couldn't survive in this kind of environment alone. The basement resembled too much the room Magnus kept him in. A dry floor was its only saving grace. Dumped like a sack of sprouted, rotten potatoes, he simply laid in its midst and grieved.

“Skwisgaar,” he whispered his name, well aware that no one remained once his assailants departed. “Abigail, Charles.”

Wept into exhaustion, Toki very briefly dozed off. Until he remembered where he was and how he got there, he actually felt better for a second. A weighted sigh preceded a tremble in his bottom lip. So long passed since he felt so small, and so insignificant.

Something changed about the room. On the furthest wall, a strip of light illuminated part of the floor. Curious as to who else was down here, and if they had anything worthwhile overhearing, Toki pressed his ear to cool, thin aluminum. Nothing came from the other side, although the urge to try the door poked his brain. His fingers fit nicely underneath and, since no one spoke up against it, he yanked upward.

The panels disappeared in favour of light, blinding Toki briefly. When his eyes adjusted, he stood dumbfounded. He must still be dreaming, or perhaps his dissociations returned with a screaming vengeance. At his back, rather than his dingy, new cell, stood a city street laden with palm trees. Oppressive heat wrapped him in a wet blanket. He stunk, thanks to the usual toil of vagrancy. Nerves struck old fear into his heart, for the moment was so real.

Inside the building, Pickles, Murderface, and Nathan—as they appeared fifteen years ago—studied him with unimpressed expressions. Movement in shadow drew his attention away; blond again and dressed in white with his guitar at the ready, Skwisgaar approached. Unsure what to say, if he should say anything at all, Toki remained silent. It felt good to see Skwisgaar again, but he would've preferred for such an occasion to be rooted in reality.

“Well?” Skwisgaar finally said. “Where ams your instrument?”

“Huh?”

“Your guitar. You plays, don't you? Don'ts tell me you shows up at de auditions empty-handeds. Or ams you in de wrong place? _Pff_.” Skwisgaar's left hand flew over the frets. “Dere ams an alley besides dis place, if dat am whats you looking for.”

“No. No—I cames. . .I cames to. . .” But where _was_ Toki's instrument? He looked helplessly around himself.

“Gets a load of _dis_ guy,” Skwisgaar called to the others. “Talks about organization skills, ah?

“Quits wasting my time.” He smirked as Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles encouraged him with snickering. “Gets out of here. How coulds you t'ink de greatest band in de world would brings in trash like _you?_ ”

“I cames to try out like everyone else.” The back of Toki's neck grew hot.

“Amn'ts dat adorable. How olds am you? Twelve?”

“Sixteen.”

“Aw. Just a little squirts.”

“A squirts that could kick your ass!”

Skwisgaar laughed. “You got spunks, I gives you dat. I tells you dis: how abouts you goes back to de orphanage, and tries again when you's old enough to remembers dat being in a band requires an instrument. Dis am a serious t'ing we tries to do here, today. T'anks you for such an outstandings forst impression, ah. . .didn'ts catch your name.”

“Toki. And lets me guess, yours is Dick.”

“Huh, ams funny. Dat ams only de sixth time I hords dat, today.” Skwisgaar scoffed. “If you don'ts know my name, den screws off. You obviously hasn'ts got any clue who _anys_ of us am, and we amn'ts in de business of raisings a kid on tops of taking over de world. So goodsbye.”

“I's not stupid. I knows your real name. Is—” But Toki couldn't say it. Every time he tried, its blaring nature inside his head fell short of his tongue. He became painfully aware of everyone laughing, even those Skwisgaar already rejected as Dethklok's new rhythm guitarist.

“Nice try, kid.” Nathan turned Toki around and shoved him toward the door. “Now scram.”

An aching side in new darkness seemed the outcome. Although, as Toki became more aware of the line between dream and reality, he remembered this particular feeling from sleeping on the floor of that building's basement. He groaned; many years passed, since being visited by the nightmare of fucking up his audition. It came more weighted, now. Any slight from Skwisgaar razed his heart. The other guys didn't need to be so cruel, if he indeed accidentally wandered in off the street. Why couldn't he have just forgotten pants, instead of his instrument?

He may have completely lost Dethklok, now. Sure, Charles searched for him, but if Raina took Toki's threat seriously (and why wouldn't she, after what happened to Las Vegas), how long would she let him live? She probably had no real need for him, so long as she had Skwisgaar.

Footsteps descended the stairs later. Thwarting Toki's certainty toward death, one of the men that escorted him set down a plate. By the food situated a needle loaded with insulin. Hell, even if Raina wanted to play a game, like replacing it with something else that would kill him, Toki didn't care. At this point, he could honestly go either way. He'd rather die quickly, than experience the extent of her sociopathic sadism.

“Eat,” the man grunted. Then, he was gone.

A single forty-watt bulb hanging from the ceiling in lieu of sunlight offered Toki no knowledge for how the time passed. He measured it by meals; none arrived for hours after being fed, helping him assume that breakfast would come next. Eggs confirmed it. Then lunch came, then another dinner. This room must be sound-proof, for he heard nothing from upstairs through all of it.

“Hey there, buddy.”

Certain silence played games with him, Toki ignored the drop of his stomach and curled further back into his corner. Still, chewing his bottom lip, his eyes scanned the room.

“Kind of a shitty place to wind up, huh?”

“You're nots real. You're dead,” Toki reminded him. “You committed suicides.”

“Not looking like such a bad idea now, is it?”

“Leaves me alone.”

“Death finds us all eventually. Bet you never imagined a basement in Albuquerque to be your resting place, huh?”

“I's not going to kill myself.”

“Enjoy your stay, then.” A dark chuckle echoed off the walls. “Let me know if you change your mind. I'd love to help.”

Why couldn't Toki imagine someone on _his_ side? Why Dethklok and Magnus? Why not Abigail, Charles, or even his mother? Was this place _meant_ to remind him of his lacking relationships?

The next time someone came down to see him, Toki waited for a breakfast plate to replace the one from dinner. However, Raina's features bled in from the darkness, courtesy of the dim bulb. “Hello, Toki.”

Toki didn't reply.

“So let me tell you what's going to happen. I've finally reached a conclusion that should satisfy all parties. Ah. . .all those with a say in the matter, anyway. We'll be leaving again, soon.”

Did that mean Charles started moving east, behind them? Did Raina fear being caught? Trying not to appear hopeful, or that he cared in any way, Toki shrugged.

“The boys will come down to fetch you. Hope you like planes.”

“Planes?”

“We have a flight to catch. Have fun in cargo.”

Nerves settled in again. Where was Toki going? Would he go alone? What about Skwisgaar? Was this where they became separated? Numerous people coming down the stairs compelled Toki to stand. However, already putting himself into the corner meant he had nowhere to go as one of them approached with a needle. “What's—what's that?”

“It's gonna take the edge off. Just let me stick you, then we can get out of here.”

“No. No!” Toki tried to scramble, but the muscles of his body going stiff landed him on the floor. When the taser relented, Toki had no choice but to flinch as the needle broke skin on his shoulder. The last thing he remembered was the lack of consciousness to lift his feet, as he neared the house's main floor again. 


	44. Monterrey

Very little proved to Toki that he even existed; he didn't dream, but air turbulence occasionally knocked him enough for the plane's rumbling engine to permeate his senses. Pretending those instances weren't real made things easier. Spanish conversation didn't concern him, nor the handful of men sharing his space. He remembered some laughter and a hand on his shoulder, along with feeling like an easily-moved puppet, but the rest of the details grew fuzzy. He didn't know how he got from that dark, cramped area to wherever the sedatives began wearing off.

It was hot, prompting him to push the blankets off his upper back. Sunlight streamed in through the window. A comfortable bed did his frame great justice, after sleeping on a concrete floor and then whatever accommodations his flight granted. For how many hours he was probably out, he didn't feel rested. Struggling to remain asleep and therefore avoiding reality that much longer failed. He had to pee, a headache throbbed away between his temples, and he clung to a pillow for dear life as the world spun around him.

In the slow process of returning to himself, Toki noticed bruising all down his left forearm. His face hurt; touching it found an untreated cut across his cheekbone. Every inch of his body slowly came to feel like it'd sustained treatment from a baseball bat. As he inspected himself further, more marks and tenderness came to light. Shifting too quickly and with too little care caused him to flinch for the pain that birthed between his legs. Even his innards felt injured.

He stumbled into a bathroom and attempted to relieve his bladder. He could hardly relax the muscles in his pelvic floor enough to get the job done. Every time resulted in a clench, thereby stopping the flow. By the time he felt empty in that regard, tears of exhaustion stained his cheeks. He couldn't look himself in the mirror, terrified by what he might see. Only back in the bed did he summon the bravery to confront his worst fear. Grimacing, he eased his pants off and felt out the worsening agony.

Mangled, crusted flesh confirmed it. Toki's breath stopped, much like how he thought his heart might. How could this happen? For all the scars on his back or any other injury he'd ever sustained, this capped it all. Too much movement made him dizzy for the wounds that reopened; blood on the ends of his fingers left Toki able to do little more than weep. He couldn't remember anything concrete, although the ghost of a hand on his shoulder made him curl more into himself. They might as well have killed him. Couldn't they have smothered him somehow, or just slit his throat? Toki would rather never wake up than deal with this. Thanks to his upbringing, it became even worse to have lost his final sliver of virginity to such violence. This was once meant to be experienced with the love of his life.

Absolutely everything he possessed was gone. Toki would never see his home again, his friends with it, and his body now belonged to a handful of ruthless thugs. Nothing mattered anymore; when the bedroom door opened, Toki didn't even react. Nor when someone sat on his bed. He couldn't hurt more than he already did.

His mind changed when a hand laid on his shoulder. It took every ounce of strength remaining to make his sluggish tongue work, and to try and struggle away. “N-no. . .no mores. . .”

“No more what?”

The voice wasn't familiar. Toki couldn't reply, merely trembling in apprehension. His emotions running raw enough eventually seized his diaphragm. He hardly made it to the edge of the bed before spewing on the floor.

“What did they do to you?” The man asked. “These aren't normal bumps and bruises from a rough flight.”

Toki couldn't speak, but it didn't seem to matter. His visitor left and, when Toki heard an explosion of heated voices downstairs, he grimaced to curl his legs up against his chest.

“. . .Then let me put this a way that you're fucked-up head can understand, Raina: your settlement is damaged. Perhaps you should've thought twice about who you put in charge of him, hah?”

“Francisco—”

“Don't 'Francisco' me! I've _had_ it with your bullshit! When you offered me Toki Wartooth, I assumed he'd arrive safe. Not beaten within an inch of his life and fearful for it! No, if you want me to absolve the fifty million, you owe me more than this. Either give me Skwisgaar too, or the men who did this are put to death.”

“If you don't want Toki, that's fine. I'll take him back to America.”

“Oh no, you're not leaving here again without paying your debt. So your choice: Skwisgaar, or those men's lives.”

Brief silence followed. “Just not Raùl. He wasn't involved. He rode up top with me.”

With Francisco and Raina's argument resolved, the voices wafting in from the cracked window made themselves known to Toki. Some he recognized, from the brief moments of consciousness on his trip down. A distinctive laugh made every inch of his skin crawl. However, doors opening and approaching footsteps hushed them all. Toki counted seven gunshots; some tried to run through the chaos, but all eventually became still.

The same horrible noise Raùl made upon hearing about Jorge and Santos filled the backyard. “Please—please, not me. . .”

“Get up,” someone else unfamiliar told him. “Get inside.”

For some semblance of justice for the crimes committed against him, Toki wished to see what came of their punishment. The bedroom door opening again caused him first to jump, then to flinch.

He assumed this man to be Francisco, returning after closing the business deal. Dressed in white and within five years older than Raina, grey streaks highlighted the otherwise black hair he combed away from his face. He bowed his head in respect, maintaining distance. “I sincerely apologize for the pain and trauma that puta has put you through. She's never been much for humanitarianism.”

Toki didn't reply. Regrets from a stranger didn't make him feel at all better.

“Would you allow my private physician to look you over? She can offer you some medicine that will alleviate the soreness.” When Toki didn't respond, Francisco took a seat under the window. “It's all up to you. No one will touch you here without your express permission.”

Yeah fucking right. Never again would Toki place blind trust in someone, especially not a man that just bought him for fifty million dollars and the chance to kill a handful of Raina's henchmen. His treatment on the plane already reduced his worth; he didn't need confirmation.

“Ah! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Francisco Salazar. Welcome to my home, and Monterrey by extent. I trust this isn't your first time to Mexico or this fine city.”

Not for the country, but Toki couldn't give a shit right now. All he wanted was to be left alone. Actually, a bullet in his head would better suffice. Through the collective throb of his body, he summoned concern for Skwisgaar. Toki would choose Raina over anything, including a one-way ticket to Mordhaus, so long as he knew his lover was okay.

He struggled to speak. “Where's Skwisgaar?”

“Raina's got him holed up at her home. I know what you're afraid of, but don't worry. She won't be going anywhere for a while. I doubt she'll leave the comfort of my refuge until Mr. Offdensen throws in the towel.”

That was little comfort. Once Raina fled town, Toki willed to bet he'd never see Skwisgaar again. He couldn't handle that, nor that they'd passed the political boundaries that halted Charles' intrusive reach.

“I'll come check on you later, hah? You need rest. Keep in mind my offer for medical attention. You won't regret it. Rosa is very gentle.”

Though satisfied with his rapists' deaths, that didn't gratify Toki's desire for revenge. Ugly hatred boiled up from his core. No matter how pleasantly Francisco treated him, Toki bore no interest for any caretaker beyond the only one he could ever trust. A narrowing window of opportunity presented itself to somehow retrieve Skwisgaar, kill Raina, and return to Charles, but Toki was nothing if not resourceful and creative. He'd survived misfortune too many times already to give up in face of this newest adversity.

He was determined to bear the pain, but the tranquilizers used to slip him south of the border faded away fast. No position promoted comfort. Just when he poised to cry again out of frustration, Francisco poked his head in and offered opportunity for Toki to cave to care.

“Oh, my dear.” The woman, probably in her mid-fifties, handed Toki a small cup full of pills along with a glass of water. “Here's some painkillers, and I'm going to start you on an antibiotic regimen, in case any of them were carrying gonorrhoea, chlamydia, or syphilis.”

“Okays.”

“Any other health issues I should know about? Allergies?”

“Diabetes. I needs insulin everyday.”

“Now, this may be difficult, but would you let me check you over? An attack as savage as this may require stitching.”

“Stitches?” Toki's eyes swam again. “Coulds it be that bad?”

“I won't know until I look, sweetie.”

Toki could barely undress himself again, let alone ease into jack knife position as she donned a pair of latex gloves. “I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do, and where I'm going to touch you, beforehand. If you don't want me to, say so and I'll respect your wish.”

“Thanks you.”

Her delicate handling couldn't stop Toki from cringing and clenching his eyes shut. Perhaps it was all in his head, but certain pressure and grazes summoned memories of the plane ride. He imagined himself as a corpse in the middle of the desert, picked apart by vultures. If clay composed his body, he'd been bent far enough out of shape to lose every vestige of recognizability.

“I think I should put a few in.” Rosa told him as her gloves landed in the garbage can. “I'm going to give you a local anaesthetic. Is that all right?"

Did Toki have much of a choice? Used to needles, he didn't flinch when it pierced his butt cheek. Dissociated, the minute manipulation of that part of his body allowed curiosity to bypass his need to forget. “How bads is it?”

“Honestly, not the worst I've seen, but someone already tried to clean you up. There are little traces of blood, semen, or feces in the general area, which I expected to find. You're going to be bedridden for at least a week, and moving's going to be difficult. I would recommend you remain laying down. I'll put you on a high fibre diet and we'll use stool softeners when necessary to ease difficulty. Also, a sitz bath afterward may help relax the area, as well as pre- and post-applied topical creams. . .”

Toki couldn't believe he had this conversation. This was never supposed to happen, not to him, not to anybody. For the soft mattress beneath him, the comfortable temperature as Monterrey sank into evening, and the empty thrum of blood pounding to the tune of his heart, Toki felt no peace. Reemerged unwillingness to consider his own situation turned his thoughts back to Skwisgaar. Where did he sleep tonight? Where was Raina's home, in Monterrey? Did he know what happened? Was he here earlier, to overhear Francisco's conversation with the woman that brought them south of the border?

No amount of brutality waged against Toki could completely quell his hope. Maybe he was a fool for that. Maybe his survival record fed him false expectation. Until the day Toki died, though, he'd make it his mission to retrieve that stubborn, beautiful, son of a bitch and get them back into the United States. If Raina could so heartlessly treat human beings like trophies or mere casualties when damaged this way, whatever attachment she held for Skwisgaar was conditional. One day he too, in all his brattiness, would piss her off. Then what?

Toki couldn't do much in his current condition. If Raina believed staying in this city would save her from the punishment Charles would exact upon her when caught, she thought wrong. Toki would go no easier, should he get his hands on her. Considering various ways of torture birthed a smile across Toki's face as Rosa finished up her job. Skinning someone alive and poking at their organs never appealed so greatly. The mental image of holding Raina's heart in his hand at the very moment it stopped beating elicited a happy sigh.

“There, that should take care of that. I want you to move _very_ carefully, so that they aren't strained. I'm going to give you a sleeping pill before I go. You've got a road of healing ahead of you, and it might help to be out for as much of it as possible.”


	45. Alliance

Every time Toki shifted throughout the night, his eyes would open. Rosa visited again in the early morning with more pills, some insulin, and breakfast. Despite their goal of limiting his visits to the bathroom, Toki later cursed his terrible luck as his meals caught up.

Inability to sit and general weakness trembled his leg muscles and beaded sweat on his forehead. Thank fucking God he hadn't been conscious for the actual act, because this on its own offered a good idea of how it might have felt. Toki took for granted waking up in the morning and experiencing an average bowel movement. He couldn't unclench for reminder of what happened, or because his half-squat wasn't natural. Once it moved beyond the point of no return, what if everything reopened? What if a shot of pain preceded the presence of blood in the toilet? But he couldn't go however long without defecating. Realization of that instigated a panic attack bad enough to necessitate a wash cloth on his face. Giving up for now, he avoided looking at his reflection while preparing something as cold as possible to counteract clammy skin.

Yet again, death appealed. This wasn't fair. What did he ever do to deserve such horror? He'd rather die than face this again, he decided. Regardless, pressing nature to evacuate called for a second attempt. He didn't trust stool softeners to have reached his digestive tract in time.

Although difficult and lengthy, he finally managed. The nitroglycerin cream Rosa provided helped, but he still slumped to see bright red blood on the paper. Another dab of cream and a sitz bath later, and he could reclaim his bed. If only Rosa would leave. The woman knew too much already about his situation, and Toki didn't need her to see him cry at the end of it all.

“The first time is always the most challenging. You don't know what to expect, and you're in the worst condition. You did great though, sweetie.” Rosa brushed his forehead with a new cloth, for comfort's sake.

“I'm never. . .” Toki sighed. “I just wants to forget that part of my body evens exist. I wish I nevers had to deal with it again.”

“I know, but this isn't forever,” she assured him. “So long as we keep on top of it, you'll be up and about relatively quickly.”

How did the healing process differ from a slow and painful death? More than ever, Toki needed Skwisgaar. Not only could he offer a less impersonal touch, but he'd gone through something like this too. Toki struggled to summon details of the story relayed in Kennewick. At least Toki had _some_ form of support system, as well as medical attention.

“I can'ts imagine how I's going to be Toki again,” Toki whispered, with no one else to talk to. “I's never been so far away from myself. No one wants to calls me by my reals name, I's only worth as much as these peoples price me, and there's no parts of me that belong to me anymore.”

“You've been through something highly traumatic. It's completely normal to dissociate afterward. Mr. Salazar won't let you suffer. He's got endless resources at his fingertips.”

“I don'ts care about that. I can'ts have what I really want.” It remained dubious that Toki would see Skwisgaar, let alone Mordhaus or even his mother again. He'd failed over the last few years to bond with her through written word, and he never regretted that more. He craved that sort of presence in his life, which fucked him over in the end. Raina monopolized completely on it, and maybe still did with Skwisgaar.

“I'm not entirely sure what his intention with you is,” Rosa carefully worded, “but he isn't a bad man. Honestly, after dealing with Ms. Gallegos already, this should be a cakewalk. She's quite the piece of work.”

“You don'ts got to tells me that,” Toki darkly replied. “She's managed to ruins my entire life, ins less than a week. She tooks everything from me. My head's still spinnings.”

“You got the better end of the deal, than Skwisgaar. Francisco runs drugs, mostly. Maybe there's still a degree of expendability of people, but not as much as in human trafficking.”

Toki groaned. “I woulds give _anything_ to switch him places, then. I don'ts even care if I gots—you know—if it mean he was spared.”

“You want my advice?”

Toki opened his eyes.

“A little bit of selfishness might benefit you. Not that it's not noble, but you should be more concerned about your well-being. Even if Skwisgaar is stuck with that cunt, he's a big boy. He can handle himself, I'm sure.”

Toki wasn't so sure, after everything he'd endured for the past couple days. As the rest of the house lulled into a collective siesta, Toki too struggled to keep his eyes open. Little else to do but become overly aware of his body and worry about Skwisgaar's future didn't motivate him to stay awake. However, in the gap before taking the final plunge, his bedroom door opened. He thought he dreamed it, but repetition of his name brought him back.

How should he feel, for Raùl to stand over him? The man's face paled, eyes wide and unblinking. He wiped sweat from his brow with a handkerchief. “Dios mío. What did they _do_ , to you?"

Unwilling to speak, Toki gingerly rolled over to face the opposite wall. Raùl, not catching the hint, lowered himself into Rosa's chair. “Raina wouldn't tell me. No wonder.”

“What's you doing here?”

“Hoo,” Raùl sighed. “The reason I came is different from why I stay, now. I had no idea what happened to you on the plane. It looks like they beat you pretty badly.”

“Look, I don'ts want your sympathies. Just spits it out and leave me alone.”

“I was going to ask you a favour.”

“Fucks off.”

“We're both unhappy with how this turned out.”

“Can'ts imagine why _you_ would be. You still gets to kiss Raina's ass, so whatevers.”

“She sanctioned my brother's death, yesterday.”

“Sorry, don't sees how that's Toki's problem.”

“Out in the courtyard. Francisco's men just. . .shot him.”

“I's glad he's dead, then. Your brother was a fuckings pig. He deserved it.”

“Hey, that's my brother you're talking about!”

“You thinks I gives a shit?” Toki snapped. “I gots nothing else to lose by tryings to spare your feelings. You wants to hit me for it, goes ahead. I'm sure there's a couples good bruises you could aims at. Would hurts pretty damn good. Maybes if you tries hard enough, I'll cries like a little bitch. Wouldn'ts that make you feel like some big shot?”

“No. . .”

“Did Raina never tells you just how bad it get for peoples what piss her off?”

“What're you talking about?”

“Use your imagination. What's the worst thing that could happen, when you leave five guys with someone unconscious?” Toki didn't care about secrecy; if Raina or whoever wanted him silent, they should've killed _him_ , too. “They rapeds me, so don'ts you even fuckings _dare_ ask for my help in some kinds of revenge scheme. I couldn'ts give two shits about your brother. He's a fuckings animal and he deserves to have his eyeballs eatens by birds in the desert. I hopes that they shits all over the insides of his guts. If Francisco didn'ts kill him, I woulds has done it myself. I can'ts fucking _wait_ to gets my hands around that fucking bitch's neck. . .”

Silence lingered behind Toki, interrupted finally by a minute shift. “That's why I'm here for a different reason than I initially came for. I. . .I see now, why Francisco did it. Not that it eases the sting, him being family, and all. . .”

“Can you quits talking about him? Is making my skin crawl.”

“How do you even know for sure he participated? I mean, maybe it was just the others.”

“I's not going to pretend for your peace of mind that he's innocent. I gots the stitches to prove it. You saids it yourself, he beats you up when you was littles. He's a fuckings coward. Who sticks it in someone what can'ts even defend themselves, huh? He isn'ts no man. Fucks that.”

“Well. . .I'm sorry.”

“Wowie, thanks! I thinks everything magically stops hurting! Look, my bruises is goings away, and I sees now that this is all just a bigs misunderstanding!”

Another silence. “I'm trying to help you.”

“Hows, exactly? All you's done so far is add insults to injury. Rub salts in my wounds. States what you want with Toki, or _gets lost_.”

“Fine. I'll cut to the chase. Francisco killed my brother. I want him dead. Raina did this to you; you want _her_ dead.”

“So?”

“And frankly, after she handed Carlos over so easily, I wouldn't mind mixing her blood with the grass, so to speak.”

“Oh, so you wants to teams up and takes them both out. I'm sures this has never beens thought of, before.”

“So what, you're just going to lie there and give up? What're you going to do, when Raina finally gathers the balls to head back to America? Are you ready to say goodbye to Skwisgaar for good?” Raùl touched a sensitive nerve. “Do you trust her, after what she's done to you, to take adequate care of him? Guarantee, he'll be dead by the end of the year.”

“I don't see what alternatives you's offering me. Evens if I could gets out of this bed, how's I going to finds her, puts her down, and get Skwis backs to the States?”

“With my help.”

“And what the fucks do _you_ know?”

“Raina trusts me.”

“Wonders why? Here you are, plottings to kill her.”

“Her business is questionable. We can agree on that. When I met her, she _was_ only helping immigrants across the border, in order for them to find a better life. I was one of those, and wound up under her wing. I let it slide, when she realized how good the money was, selling people into slavery or as cheap labour. I even turned my cheek when the children started being led away by seedy, rich old men, because I wanted to believe that so long as I was comfortable and cared for, business was business and what happened afterward wasn't any of mine. But I love you guys. You're my favourite band and—beside that—I can't let her do this to someone, regardless of whether or not you're in Dethklok. This is disgusting. She's gone too far.”

“I wonders if you'd be here, if your brother wasn't dead.”

“You're right. Maybe if my brother didn't get killed, I wouldn't have been able to admit the truth to myself. It wouldn't have shocked me enough to question just what the hell I've been involved with, all these years. But just like Raina stood by while Francisco had those men shot, I've stood by while she's ruined hundreds, possibly thousands of lives.”

“I don'ts get why I shoulds trust you.”

“What do you have to lose, hah? Francisco expressly told her that their business was finished, with her debt settled.”

“So how did _you_ get in?”

“Just because they've cut financial ties doesn't mean they're out of each other's lives. Now that they don't have money to squabble over, they're getting along famously. She doesn't like to come over here alone, but she doesn't like me intruding either.”

Toki scoffed. “He lets you just wanders freely around here?”

“Usually I mess around with one of the maids, but. . .”

“And what about Skwisgaar? Where is he?”

“Locked in his room, back at Raina's. Dino is minding the house.”

Sick to his stomach, Toki tried not to envision some guy as lacking in morality growing bored enough to give Skwisgaar a run. “Ugh.”

“See what I mean? Trust me—help me—and I'll get you out of here. You take care of Francisco, I'll take care of Raina. Then all three of us can be free.”

“Ands where the hell are _you_ going to go?”

“Dunno, hombre. But it's time I got back on track. I need to get back to Pilar and the kids.”

“I'll admits you caught me at a weak point. I really don'ts care what happen to me. I coulds die tonight, and who gives a shit? I's more concerned about Skwisgaar, and evens if you're sentencings me to death with something I can't sees yet, I'll does anything to try and gets him out of here.”

“That's the spirit.” Raùl's elbows dug into his knee caps when Toki cautiously rolled back over to face him. Vastly aware of his pathetic state, embarrassment seeped in. “So, how long until you're better?”

“Rosa saids a week, or so. Depends how easy I takes it, I think.”

“Well then, put all your energy toward healing.” The man summoned a weak smile. “In the meantime, I'll keep an eye on Skwisgaar. Make sure he doesn't get himself in any trouble. Raina's treating him like the Number One Son, but he's scared. Do you want me to tell him about this?”

Toki chewed his bottom lip. “I don'ts want him unsettled, is the thing. Evens if he's not in a good place, is better that he believes everything going to work out for him. Raina is so quicks to smell out any sign you mights go against her. Speakings of which, I hopes you got that under wraps.”

“Oh, don't worry about me, hombre. If you've been around someone long enough and gained their trust, you become invisible, in ways.” 


	46. Redress

Although grateful for some form of ally in this entire mess, Toki kept his excitement in check. Even if it got away from him, the ability to experience its pure form diminished drastically. He appreciated the potential to escape, but it seemed less likely everyday. Their opportunity was in Las Vegas. _Why_ didn't Toki just call out to that Bob fellow, as Raina talked her way out of the city? Why did he _ever_ think a complete stranger—a criminal, no less—would genuinely mind his best interests?

Maybe, like Raùl goaded in order to rouse emotion, Toki _should_ give up. After losing absolutely everything, what did he even fear anymore? What could Francisco ever do worse? Ugh, should he even ask? However, as his imagination got away from him, Toki discerned a few things he'd certainly enjoy executing against Raina. For that, a wistful smile disintegrated when his next visitor presented himself.

“Buenos tardes,” Francisco greeted him. “How are you feeling?”

“Doesn'ts Rosa keep you updateds on that?”

“Si, but I would like to hear it from you.” He took up the chair beside the bed and crossed his legs. “She told me you have a solid chance of healing, and that you're cooperating.”

“Likes I got a choice. Gots to shits and can'ts do it like this.”

“Certainly not.”

“What's you here for, anyways? I don'ts get why anyone wants to be arounds me. I's miserable, useless, and worthless. Skwisgaar's the one—” But Toki wouldn't throw him under the bus, or plant any ideas in Francisco's mind.

“Skwisgaar's the one that writes the music?” Francisco finished for him. “Si, that's very important—can't have music without the artist—but you focus too heavily on that.”

“Getting stucks with Raina didn'ts give me much chance _nots_ to thinks about myself as onlies being worth what I can offers.”

“Possibly.”

“No, is true. I's property. You calleds me damaged goods.” Toki looked away.

“Because that's how Raina understands people. She could care less if she sells a child to a paedophile or allows someone in her care to come under such harm as this during transport.” Francisco gestured at Toki. “If she thinks it may affect her purse, then she listens more closely.”

“Look, if you're tryings to convince me you're actually this nice guy and I gots nothing to worry about whiles I here, I's not interested. That's exactly what Raina said, and looks at me now.”

“I suppose that I will have to allow time, after the number she's done on your trust.”

“If you goings to tell me I haves freedom here, then proves it. Lets me call my manager and goes home.” Toki narrowed his eyes when Francisco made no move. “Is what I thought.”

“I didn't plan for you to show up here.”

Toki scoffed. “ _She_ said the same thing.”

“I get this phone call saying that she has my money, and then I find out she means _you_. I didn't even know she had you two. Until she contacted me after fleeing Las Vegas, I thought she may have been caught in the fire. Then again, insects like her never _do_ stay down. I didn't know she was at fault for the entire scenario. Although slightly admirable, to destroy an entire city like that, it's laughably reflective of how she tends to impact the lives around her.”

“You boughts me,” Toki pointed out.

“Did I?”

“You dissolved her debt.”

“Again, did I?” Francisco smiled. “I've known for a long time that she'd never scrape the money together. She's been borrowing off me, when she should've paid back my investment _years_ ago. Not until she actually had cash to burn did I realize how fiscally irresponsible she is. Houses everywhere, cars. . .how _do_ you spend that much? Perhaps she's, ah. . .one of Nevada's primary contributors, through Las Vegas' blackjack tables. Who knows?

“I wrote that fifty million off a long time ago. Unfortunately, our history means I've developed enough of an attachment to go soft. I wish I could say faith she'd pull her shit together amounted to something.”

“Ares you trying to wins my trust by takings my side against her?”

“There's truth to that statement. I want you to trust me, because you're in my care now and I know you've been traumatized and frightened. I'm on your side in regards to Raina, and have no reason to lie. Wouldn't _you_ feel a little less keen on someone that you considered family, that continues to take advantage of you?”

“Sure, but it don'ts make me trust you. You's as cold-hearted as _she_ is. You hads five people killed without blinking an eye, days before last.”

“They were rapists.”

“So what, you a rights-fighter now?”

“Maybe I can't go on a crusade, but I take my chance when possible. Wouldn't you?”

After all the daydreaming of torture Toki passed the time with, he couldn't say much against it.

“But anyway, I didn't come to discuss morality with you. I wanted to touch base and ask a couple questions.”

“Likes what?”

“First of all, besides your circumstances, are you comfortable here?”

“No. I wants to go home.”

“Mhm. Is there anything I can provide, that would make you feel better?”

“A phones to call Charles with.”

“Now, Toki.” Francisco chuckled.

“You asked, I tolds you an honest answer.”

“Anything short of that?”

“Nothings you would ever gets me.”

“Like. . .?”

“I want Skwisgaar away from her. I want her dead. I wants to turns her guts into Christmas tree tinsels.”

“It's still nearly eight months until Christmas.”

“So? Lets me put her in your basement and tortures her for a whiles. Gives María back to her real family, or finds her a new one that won't treats her like a slave. Saves all the people Raina's going to fucks up, when she goes back to America.”

“That's truly what you want?”

“Ja.” Deep satisfaction lapped at Toki's insides, at the mere thought.

“Very well, then.”

“I—actually?” Toki jarred out of reverie, to process that acquiescence. “You're nots just fucking with me?”

“History becomes irrelevant, after so many years.” Francisco waved the notion off. “She only comes around when she needs something, whether money or somewhere to hide. I have enough parasites, as it is. And, if it would make you happy. . .”

“Seriously?” Toki _never_ got that freedom from anyone else. Granted, he rarely sat on the amount of lividity in order for it to appeal so strongly.

“I believe you deserve it. How is it satisfying to _you_ , after all, if I'm the one that killed the men that did this?”

“You gots to be shittings me. I won'ts believe it untils—ow. . .” A flinch resulted from trying to sit up too quickly.

“Careful,” Francisco reminded him. “For now, you should concentrate on healing. Would you be happy if I locked her up somewhere?”

Toki nodded. “Is what she did to me, before we lefts the States. One day was bads enough, alone in a place withouts no natural lights. Especiallies when that happen to me so many times before.”

“It has?”

“I don'ts wish to explain, but ja. When wills you do it?”

“Tomorrow. She's joining me for dinner. Good?”

“Thanks you.” Toki couldn't fucking _wait_. Raina would forget completely what it meant to be human, once he finished with her.

“Ah! Before I leave, there was one other thing I wished to discuss with you. Unlike Raina, I don't believe in absolute confinement. As soon as you're able and willing, you're free to leave the compound. I must only request that you go with an escort.”

“Escort?”

“And you may choose whom.”

Toki either didn't trust or know anyone. Actually, that wasn't true. With Raina out of the way, María possibly removed, and Skwisgaar underneath Francisco's wing, that left someone without a base. “Coulds it be Raùl?”

“I'm not sure it'd be a good idea for one of Raina's longest-standing sidekicks to stick around. Revenge is _such_ a stubborn bitterness.”

“After she lets his brother die?” Toki raised an eyebrow. “Maybes you should talk to Raùl. You mights hear a different story than whats you expect.”

“Regardless, if I can't trust him a hundred percent, it can't happen. I called for the trigger to be pulled, at the end of it all. Sorry.”

Shit. Well, that fucked up Toki's plan with Raùl, as well as his promise, but was it really all that important? Raina would be dead, and that satisfied Toki. Although, if he didn't hold his end of the bargain, who said he'd find his own way home, once he and Skwisgaar were reunited under the same roof? “What goings to happen to him, anyway? I actually likeds him. Was nice to me, most of the time.”

“I'll probably stick him close to Raina. I'm not comfortable with him roaming free. I don't need more of Raina's drones to catch word that I've imprisoned and tortured her. It's difficult with her, but I'm going to contain the drama to the best of my ability.” Francisco switched his crossed legs with a clear of the throat. “As for María. . .taking the child in was one of the most humane things Raina ever did with her life. Well, until now, when I hear that she's basically used the child for labour, as well as deprived her of a proper education. . .”

Toki frowned. “I believeds her, and I gots a really goods bullshit radar. Is a specials kind of evil, when someone cans tell you such a good lie. Everyone else what fuckeds with me is so straights-forward about it, you know? You can'ts misconstrue someone holdings a weapon, or who's yellings or callings you names. I guess is all parts of her job.”

“Her work didn't make her this way. She was drawn to it because of the way she is.”

“Why is she like this? Why can't she cares about people? Why is she okays knowing that she pretties much gave those guys permission to. . .?” Toki wiped at his eyes, embarrassed. His emotions toiled and swelled far too much, in the attack's wake.

“I want to say the streets hardened her, but I went through much the same shit and sometimes her callousness surprises _me_. It's just the way she is, far as I can surmise. She's not empathetic. She has no true appreciation for human life. If someone isn't serving her a purpose, she couldn't care less.” Francisco shrugged. “It will be more difficult for you to make peace with that, than I. She's never done such an injustice against me because I'm her fallback when she paints herself into a corner.”

“Why haven'ts you already gottens rid of her? Why does you puts up with being treateds that way?”

“Oh, I'm certain anyone that's ever come into contact with her has fantasized about it at least once. It's difficult, because of the various connections we've shared. She came to live with her aunt and uncle—my neighbours—when she was two and I was eight, and since they worked a lot my mother would watch her during the day. She became a little sister to me. I walked her to school everyday when she started, to make sure no one would harass her. Then she found out when she was around eleven or twelve that I was dealing coke, and I'll admit I showed off. I gave her money whenever she asked for it, to go for treats, and I'd buy her bicycles and clothes. When she came close to finishing school, she wanted in. By then, I'd bumped up from street-level. I told her no at first, but I was always pretty bad for that. She shot her uncle, shortly after. . .said she did it to prove herself, although I figured for a long time she was full of shit. Did it on accident. Hah, now I'm not so sure.” Francisco chuckled. “Throw in a couple turf wars, and she nearly got her throat slit. Figured that would set her more aware of her mortality, but it took getting shot for that. Honestly, I thought she was done. Never saw an arm wound bleed that bad. Must've got her right in the artery. She wanted out anyway, and I wanted her gone too. Figured getting her into the States would mean she didn't need some distributor a thousand miles away. Alas, she's like a sticky booger you can't flick off your finger.”

Toki managed a weak laugh. “See, is weird. She tolds the truth about some things. Is as simple as if she wasn'ts bad she woulds be good. There must be somethings missing from her brain. Maybes I likes to beat the shit out of people sometimes. Maybes I's killed a couple. But I's still capables of loving and beings a good person. I woulds never think to hurt someone that I didn'ts believe deserved it.”

“That's where you and I are similar. Quite frankly, there are some people who should be put down. Either they're a waste of space, they rot all that surrounds them, or they actively cause harm.” Francisco paused. “You've killed before, you say?”

“Two. One was just a couples week ago.”

“May I ask why?”

“Assholes.”

“Ah.”

Toki considered his reasons for getting rid of Ludwig and that guy at Sobertown, and they seemed a little thin compared to how Francisco rationalized executing those men in his backyard. He didn't feel judged in the man's presence, although he worried a little for himself. Did he really want to go down this dark path? Yes, Raina more than his past two victims deserved permanent rest for her slight against him. Should he be the better man though, or was this his God-given right?


	47. Reunification

With little else to preoccupy Toki, short of learning Spanish via local television channels, he dwelled on his new caretaker's offer. No doubt, the result would be gratifying beyond believe. However, he'd spent many years of hard work with Twinkletits attempting to make rid of this ugly beast buried deep inside. Would it ever truly go away, though? Toki thought it had. . .until now. Its apparent extinction proved to be hibernation. His fingers itched to play in Raina's blood, to handle her guts while she looked on in horror.

Even if Francisco planned to rein Raina in the next day, Toki had a week yet to decide what he wished to do with that. Maybe the power to _choose_ was enough. Then, he could let it go. He should act the bigger person. He _was_ better than this, after all.

Time slowed to a grinding halt, as the afternoon veered toward evening, then night. When tired of merely waiting for something to happen, Toki's mind turned north of the border. An apparent media blackout regarding his and Skwisgaar's disappearance inspired suspicion that nothing even happened. Until Toki called upon certain details—such as Charles addressing the public and Dethklok's helicopters in the Nevadan sky—he feared the entire thing might have been a ruse to turn favour toward Raina. What happened, now? Did Charles remain in Las Vegas? Had he caught scent of their trail to Los Lunas yet? Or, even less likely, Mexico?

Too much time to think did little to hinder deepening depression. Whatever Francisco offered Toki to make his stay bearable, the fact remained that he wasn't going home. Skwisgaar might come here, yes, but how would Toki explain what happened? He dreaded telling someone so dear to his heart that his body equated to a scrap of meat thrown to the dogs.

Why did Toki even _try?_ Maybe, after everyone and everything struck him down at one point or another, he should take the hint. Some lives weren't meant to amount to anything, and some not worth fighting for. If not for his high points claiming such altitude, Toki would've given up a long time ago. Sharing a band with a bunch of narcissistic, stunted assholes wasn't an easy pill to swallow when he finally realized his true worth to them. Delaying so long in rescuing him and Abigail should've been the final straw.

Bustling downstairs meant dinner would soon be served, and perhaps Skwisgaar existed in the same building. Fear that Francisco only elicited the remainder of Toki's hopes in order to dash them made him wish to sleep right through the meal. That way, if he woke up and nothing had changed, then he could pretend Francisco's promise existed only in reverie gone too far.

However, clattering racket would've disallowed slumber anyway. Toki listened carefully, as a shrill, desperate version of Raina's voice sounded in the distant dining room. It faded away, then all was still again. Unsure if that was what he waited for, or merely something else in the meanwhile, Toki reminded himself to breathe.

One of the women responsible for his meals said nothing when she showed up later, increasing Toki's curiosity. If only he could get up to go look. Lack of appetite meant the plate remained on the bedside table. Her habitual reappearance a half-hour later to collect his dishes meant Toki didn't bat an eyelash when his door opened again.

“Toki?” His heart skipped a beat to hear Skwisgaar's voice, but shame grew regarding his condition when the other man's face slackened and paled. “Holy fucks, what _happeneds?_ ”

Toki automatically shied away from his touch, however gentle. Normally he'd push into Skwisgaar's hand like an attention-starved cat, but disgust toward himself disallowed it. A week ago, Toki considered himself in the sexual prime of his life. Now, he couldn't even imagine someone _looking_ at him that way.

“Dids Francisco does dis to you?” Skwisgaar lowered onto the bed, fingers finding better purchase in stringy hair. At least Toki could stand that. “Does it hort?”

“Nots really.” Toki attempted to lay as still as possible, so that Skwisgaar wouldn't see how delicately he shifted. To distract the older man, he managed to smile. “I's happy you're here though, elskling.”

“Me toos. I thoughts. . .you know, de worst. Maybes we wouldn't sees each other agains, or Francisco woulds do somet'ing wit' you.”

“He hasn'ts done anything with me. I's been pretties comfortable.”

“He did somet'ing wit' Raina,” Skwisgaar needlessly relayed, lowering his voice. “Dey puts her, Raùl, and Dino in a car and tooks dem away. What ams we goings to do, now? How does we gots any hopes of going home?”

“Wait. . .what did she tells you?”

“Francisco's men showeds up at her home in Los Lunas intents to settle some debt she owe, and dey figureds you woulds cover it. Raina, Raùl, María, and I followeds to de city dis side of El Paso, but you hads already left, some guy lendings us a plane saids. Raina thoughts dat if she talkeds wit' Francisco, dat we coulds get you back.” Lips pressed, Skwisgaar glanced back at the door. “I don'ts know what happen, now. She was our tickets into de States.”

Raina's ability to twist a story amazed Toki all over again. Considering how best to break this news to Skwisgaar, Toki rested a hand atop his. “Elskling, those men didn'ts belong to Francisco.”

“What ams you talkings about? Of course dey dids, who else would—” Skwisgaar stopped abruptly as realization dawned over his face. Confusion quickly followed. “But how cans dat be?”

“She didn'ts lie abouts me being used to settles a debt. Is the others way around, though. She broughts me down to gives me to Francisco. Maybes I left the house in Los Lunas befores you, but something I overheards her and Francisco talkings about make me think we was actuallies on the same plane.”

“But. . .if dat ams de case, den why dids _we_ come to Mexico? Fucks, of course—to _hides from Charles_. Fuckings hell, I'ves been so stupids.” Skwisgaar ran his free hand down his face. “Why dids we evens trust her in the first place?”

“We didn'ts have much of a choice but to goes along with what she wanteds, anyway. And I thinks she really practiced at twistings reality in your heads.” Toki paused. “You'ves been okay, though? No one's hurt you, or anything?”

“Just worried sicks about you.” Skwisgaar shifted to lay down. In wishing now for further affection and comfort, as well as happiness for reunification, Toki nearly forgot that unclear air lingered between them. “I wants to apolgesac for de t'ings we fight about, but am dere anyt'ing I cans do for you forst?”

“I's okay.” Sometime since Toki last saw him, Skwisgaar had his roots and eyebrows redone. Far as Toki could tell, his own hair had indeed faded right back to its natural colour. “I needs to apolgesize too. My behaviour thats day was totally unexcuseables. I shouldn'ts has jumped immediately to the ideas that you cheateds on me. I shouldn'ts has tried to finds evidence for it, and I shoulds has known betters than to do somethings with your dick when you weren'ts awake. How's your back doing?”

“Healings, but ams going to scars.”

“I can'ts believe I dids that,” Toki lamented. “You nevers need to worry again. I's not ever goings to kick you or lays a hand on you anymore. Ifs I wasn't such a littles puke and lefts when you asked, it coulds has been avoideds. I wills respect your wishes from now on.”

“ _Wills_ you?”

Toki fervently nodded. “I fuckeds up, buggings you again likes I did in Washington. I's not goings to do that anymore. You nevers have to tell me anything if you don'ts want to, and I won'ts hold it against you.”

Especially now; Toki understood _completely_ how difficult relaying to a lover this sort of abuse was.

“I t'inks I owe you an explanation of whats happen, dat morning. I _was_ wit' Raina, but we were onlies talking. I had gots up to eat somet'ing and she was downstairs crying. She tolds me about what happen in Vegas, and den we had some drinks. We talkeds about dat for a while, and den abouts different t'ing. Ah. . .she wanteds to know more about when I was youngs, and I tolds her stuff likes what I tolds you up in Washington.” Skwisgaar averted his gaze. “I wasn'ts in a good place, after dat.”

“Why woulds you tell her that?”

“You know what she ams like. She. . .hads way of wormings it out of me. I thoughts I could trust her. Ifs t'ing panned out likes we thought they was goings to wit' her, den she was goings to be like my mom, and she treateds me like I wish _my_ moms did.”

“Why dids you lie to me?” Toki rubbed Skwisgaar's arm.

“I tolds her more dan I tolds you, and I felts bad for dat. For one, dat it cames out at all, and den of course it amn'ts right dat a lady we barelies knew hads more of my secret dan my boyfriend. I didn'ts want you to knows dat, because I hads a feeling you would wants me to tells it to _you_ , too.”

Toki wished he'd guessed wrong; however, pestering both Skwisgaar and Raina painted him in terrible light. “I shoulds has beens an adult about this. What a shitties thing to gets into. And who knows? Maybes if we didn'ts get into a fights, Raina wouldn'ts has brought us into Mexico.”

“I don'ts know about dat, but I coulds has been more forthcomings about de whole t'ing.”

“It wouldn'ts has mattered. I woulds has just kepts bugging you.” Toki sighed. “No mores, though. We can'ts afford for that kind of shits to happen, especially in this situation. Beings with Raina was really turbulents, and maybe Francisco won'ts really be any better. I haven't seens him enough to gets a good gauge, yet. He _seems_ more calm than her, but who really knows, right?”

“We'll tries to figures it out together. Ams we okay?” Skwisgaar exhaled heavily through his nose with relief, when Toki nodded. “Goods.”

Only heightening the need to share his experience, a second body joined Toki beneath the covers. Self-consciousness surrounded Toki's physical appearance, due to the bruises and substandard grooming. He'd at least bathed and had his sheets changed, although anything otherwise would probably remain invisible to Skwisgaar. Anxiety birthed from fingertips on his chest. Could Toki allow enough to get through a proper reconciliation? He focused first on the plushy lips touching his own, generally ignoring the gentle touch Skwisgaar treated him with. When it landed between his legs Toki shied away; a second attempt for it caused him to tense and freeze.

Fuck. He could cry out of frustration when Skwisgaar regarded him with confusion. “We don'ts have to, if you ams too sore.”

“It isn'ts that.” Toki chewed on the inside of his lip, unable to meet the other man's gaze. “There's something you needs to know.”

“Likes what?”

“Is hard to say. Um. . .I wasn'ts just beat up, on the plane.” Hopefully Skwisgaar's past meant Toki didn't need to elaborate. The longest silence he ever partook in made him fear it. Simultaneously, he wished for Skwisgaar to depart or to bring him into a tight hug. Then, he discounted both options. It would destroy him if Skwisgaar left, and he wasn't sure he could handle contact beyond the hand rested on his elbow. Even its shift to his face, where Skwisgaar's thumb traversed his cheek, nearly made him shudder.

“Älskling.” Skwisgaar yet again aged, in the glimpse Toki chanced. “I'm sorries.”

“It isn'ts your fault.”

“I'm sorries dat it happens. It amn't somet'ing I woulds wish on _anyone_.”

“Course nots.” In order to push down all the reemerging emotion, Toki pressed his lips together. It didn't work very well. “I don'ts know what to does with myself. How does I thinks about this? I'll nevers be myself again, wills I?”

“It depend on how you handles it, and what kind of porspective you puts it in. Comes here.”

At least not _all_ physical contact caused Toki's skin to crawl. With his cheek to Skwisgaar's chest and arms around his waist, Toki finally earned the safety he'd craved ever since it happened. He believed for the moment that nothing bad could come his way again. As result, his determined impassivity crumbled. Emotion rearranged his facial muscles and, while his eyes remained dry, he appreciated the chance to stop pretending everything was okay.

“What cans I do for you?” Skwisgaar asked. “You tells me anyt'ing you needs, and ams done.”

“This is goods.” Toki's grip on Skwisgaar tightened. “I don'ts want to be alone.”

“You won'ts be. In facts, you wills probably haves to tells me when you wants to be, because I goings to be takings care of you, now. You lets me know if I ams too much. I wills be making shore you heals and dat you know dis wasn'ts your fault.”

“Is hard nots to think that,” Toki confessed, although he'd told Skwisgaar the same thing in Kennewick. “There's so many things I coulds has done differentlies. I shouldn'ts have pissed Raina off. Maybes then she wouldn'ts has called those guys to moves me around.”

“Ams like dat t'ing where people say womens who dress skanky desorve for it to happen. Amn'ts true.” Skwisgaar ran his fingers through Toki's hair. “De only porson at fault ams de one who t'ink dat am an invitation, who takes advantage. I know just as much dat it amn'ts easy to t'ink dat way, because dere ams always somet'ing you did what brings it about. Maybes you shouldn'ts has walked down de poorly lit street, worns different clothes, or been so trustings. But dose am t'ing you _shoulds_ be ables to do wit'out fear of somet'ing bad happening. Ja?”

“And whats about _me?_ ”

“I don'ts want dis to sound as if it was destineds, but when ams a bad situation, bad t'ing tends to happen. Likes how my mom would brings guy around. Increase de chance, and den you gets de wrong porson in de situation, and. . .” Skwisgaar trailed off, then cleared his throat. “But de most important t'ing to remembers am dat whethers it coulds or couldn'ts be avoided, it amn'ts your fault. You nevers ask for somet'ing like dat, and dat ams where de line get cross. Ats de end of de day, it ams _deir_ decision what broughts it about. Dey ams de one to be blameds. Nots you.”

“Thanks you.” Toki needed some sound logic in midst of this tragedy. It brought about optimism that maybe this _wouldn't_ stain his entire future. “Coulds I ask you something? Isn'ts personal, but just your opinion.”

“Shore.”

“When Francisco founds out what happen to me, he hads all the guys who did it killeds. I gots to listen as they got shots, but I didn'ts get to see. Howevers. . .he saids if I wanteds revenge on Raina, is mine to takes. Is why you're heres. I saids I wanteds you safe and aways from her. I was talkings out of emotion when I saids I wanteds to kill her, but is actually an options.

“Woulds you do it, if you hads the chance?” The fingers in Toki's hair slowed, as the older man pondered everything. “If you hads the guys what dids this to _you_ , and you coulds torture and kills them with no repercussions, woulds you?”

“I won'ts deny I thoughts about it. Sometimes I wish I coulds cuts deir dicks off, so dats dey couldn'ts hort anyone else.”

“Eithers way, Raina is dead. Francisco offereds me this though, because he robbeds me of the opportunity to does it to the _actual_ guys.”

“I don'ts know, Toki. Ams one t'ing to t'inks about, a whole others to do.”

“Is my conclusion. I still haven'ts made up my mind. I gots a lot of hatred in me against her, and I don'ts know how else to gets rid of it. I just wants to know if is something _you_ woulds do, givens the chance.”

“I amn't shore. I wouldn'ts want to be as bads as dem, but ams different when ams revenge, ja? Den agains, you amn'ts doing it to de actual porpetrator. So it beg de quetskin of whet'er or not it woulds really be helpful to you.”

“I guess,” Toki conceded. “I needs to think about it longer. Maybes by the time I's all healed up I'll feels different. All depends on whether or not I cans just be happy that she's goings to die, or if I wants to make her feels as horrible as she mades _me_ feel, before she go.” 


	48. Unfinished Business

Toki paused in Stockholm, in order to drink deeply from the glass of water continuously refilled by the bailiff. He'd spoken straight for nearly four hours. How long did it take, to get this story out? It didn't seem this expansive, whenever he mentally reviewed it. He expected to be gone by now, finished completely.

Charles stood before him again, having sat down for a while to rest his feet. “The defendant didn't react very strongly to your question?”

“Nots really, no. I guess I puts it in a way he coulds understand. Who _doesn'ts_ want someone that let peoples hurt like that to suffer? This woman solds children to people that used them for sex. She lets _me_ be raped. For all I knows, she _told_ them to mess with me.”

“Did you ever observe or receive evidence that that's true?”

“When I heards her and Francisco arguings about it, she didn't seems to care at all. Others than that, I comes to the conclusion because of how little she thoughts of me. She was totalies okay with lockings me up like an animal, and she puts me in their custody for the flight to Monterrey. Evens if she didn'ts do it consciously, she tooks no precautions against it. She was careless abouts what might happen, and I thinks that indicative enough. She didn't sees me as a human being. She didn't see _lots_ of people like human beings. So longs as she gots her payday, what dids it matter if something bad happen to me?”

“So what did you do about it? Did you take up Francisco's offer?”

“I—sort of?” Toki ventured. “I didn'ts know what to do, about it. I kind of hoped asking Skwisgaar would push me towards an answer, but I was still torn.”

“You've said _why_ you wanted to do it, but why _not?_ What kept you from taking the opportunity with relish?”

“Mades it complicated that she didn'ts actually—Raina wasn'ts the one that physically rapeds me. I woulds has rather hads one of those guys that did. Besides that. . .” Toki faltered when the bailiff approached again with a jug of water. “Doings that would undo a lots of hard work I went through with Twinkletits. I didn'ts want that ugly part of me to come out swingings. It was already writhing around inside my skins, because of what had happeneds to us—me. Was kinds of like even though I was unconscious, it remembereds everything. Like it was awake while it happened. So it couldn'ts wait to gets back at _someone_.”

“Thank you, Toki.” Charles turned to the judge's bench. “It's been a long afternoon. Might I suggest that we recess again, until the morning?”

“Granted.” Meshuggah banged his gavel. With his bladder full, Toki appreciated the move. He'd rather head back to the hotel after detouring to the bathroom, instead of resuming a chair that numbed his tailbone.

Where they left off in the story instigated more complicated feelings regarding Skwisgaar. When Toki returned to the courthouse after lunch, he felt ready to leave the man behind. Now, he mirrored the hopefulness that pervaded him back in his bed at Francisco's. Skwisgaar was so good to him when he found out what happened. Despite the direction their relationship eventually took, Toki willed to trot off after the bailiffs escorting Skwisgaar back to Kronobergshäktet for the night _._ Unfinished business needlessly complicated his life. No way, after Skwisgaar's final mistake, should Toki still experience a fluttering stomach to look at him.

“Hungry?” Charles asked in the limousine.

“Starvings.”

“Maybe your mother would like to meet us in the hotel restaurant.”

“I coulds call her and see if she's eatens yet.”

Turned out she'd waited to hear from Toki. When he and Charles arrived in the midst of a renewed snowstorm, she already occupied a table downstairs. Lingering habit meant she stood as they approached. “How did it go?”

“Meh.”

“I thought we made respectable headway,” Charles supplemented. “We should definitely finish tomorrow.”

“I hope so. I wanteds to be done by now.”

“You're doing great, taking your time. I have full confidence that it'll help Skwisgaar.”

When Charles first delivered the subpoena, Toki considered it a slap to the face. Why, after all the bullshit Skwisgaar put him through, would Toki _ever_ want to try and soften the penal blow? Even if he had no choice, why did he so painstakingly revisit every detail from that time period?

Maybe, like he learned with Raina, Toki couldn't actually stand to see someone suffer. No matter what atrocities they committed against him, he couldn't sink to their level. Then why at least couldn't Toki wash his hands emotionally clean of Skwisgaar? Why couldn't he view him like he currently did Raina, with general apathy and only a hint of contempt?

This happened during his prep too, he had to keep in mind. Because Toki was fully present during the entire road trip, the memories remained vivid. If the entire ordeal was terrible, details would probably be fuzzy. Toki wanted to remember certain parts of it, though.

Back in Monterrey, Toki lulled into relaxation thanks to the fingernails scratching at his skull. A light rain started up outside, cooling the afternoon to a more bearable temperature. Every kiss and touch went initiated by Toki.

“Skwis.” Good as it felt to reacquaint with the physicality stolen from him, Toki still worried about something. “It mights be a while untils I ready to fuck, again.”

“Ams okay. Dere ams more important t'ing dan dat.”

“Is easy to says until you starts to really wants it.”

“I can stills jack off.”

“For now, ja.” Toki chewed his bottom lip. “I appreciates how supportive you's being, but I'm still scared about how this going to affects the future.”

“You can'ts t'ink about dat. Takes it one day at a time.” Big lips touched Toki's forehead. “What you needs to concentrate on ams getting your body better. Dese bruises needs to heal. Haves you eatens yet today?”

“Hads breakfast.” Partially, anyway; Toki battled Rosa any chance he got. He didn't see much a point in nourishment, when he couldn't move. He'd already gotten too soft. “I's getting used pretty fast to nappings everyday.”

“Ams you sayings you woulds rat'er does dat forst?”

“You gots no idea how much I've missed sleepings next to you.” Toki rested an arm in the gentle curve of Skwisgaar's waist. “Was easy to gets used to.”

Even nearly eight months later, Toki still missed that. Wherever he laid his head at night, whether at Mordhaus, in Lillehammer, or for this brief spell in Stockholm, Toki couldn't sleep unless he cuddled up to _something_. Deddy Bear, while still around, existed in the past once his progress in therapy passed a certain point. Generally the job fell on a pillow, since Toki still couldn't comfortably invite strangers into his bed at night. Then, of course, living under his mother's roof disallowed it altogether.

“Is it like this back west?” Charles indicated outside.

“This could be the storm blowing in from the border,” Anja responded. “It was very cold, rather, when I left home. About twenty-five below.”

“That must make construction difficult, on the house. How far are you, anyway?”

Drawn into the conversation, Toki smiled politely. “Gots the skeleton all finished.”

“Have you considered at all when you'll return to the United States?”

It took everything Toki possessed not to glance at his mother, who sipped her water to avoid focus. With his own father gone, Toki at some point adopted Charles as an absolute stand-in. He missed the man, for that. “Ums. . .not really. I'll be ables to give you a more concrete answers once we figures out what happening with Skwisgaar.”

“Of course. Ah. . .the boys are concerned you won't be.”

“I gots that drift at lunch. Well, sort ofs. Nathans was being a dick, but what's new?”

“He's never been very good at expressing himself. I would almost suffice to say that he more than the other two misses you around. He's become more prone to start fights.” From the sparse conversations with Pickles, Toki discerned that he became the referee in Charles' absences. With Toki and Skwisgaar gone and Abigail constantly working, all of Nathan's pent-up aggression landed on Murderface.

“He saids I was annoyings and is good I nots going back. Maybe he just remembers how much he don'ts like me.”

“Don't say that, Toki. You haven't had to see him pout all around Mordhaus.”

“Have _you?_ You been spendings a lot of time over here.”

“Be respectful,” Anja gently reminded him in their native tongue.

“Sorry.” Biting his tongue became difficult, even in his mother's presence. Toki switched back to English with an encouraging nudge from the woman. “Is still hards to think about, Charles. It isn'ts that I don't miss seeings those guys. I needs this time away, though. Has dones me good.”

“It's completely understandable. With no band activity either, it's not pressing that you be at Mordhaus. I've encouraged the other boys to take some time for themselves, maybe visit family or go on vacation, but they'd rather mope.”

“Sounds like them.” Viewing that from the outside brought a giggle out of Toki. Brooding was an easy trap to fall into, when in their midst. “They wants me to go outs with them tonight. I saids I would if I finished my testimony today, but I guess is outs the window.”

“Now, dear,” Anja spoke up, “there's no reason why you couldn't spend a couple hours with them. They've waited months to see you, and if you're staying with me when they go home, it could be a while again.”

“Is never _just_ a couples hour, though. If they wants me to goes out, I's going to be gones until probablies late morning.”

“I could come round you up at a reasonable hour,” Charles suggested.

“You really wants to have that fights with them?”

“I can tell them before you all leave that the klokateers will return you to the hotel by midnight.”

“Coulds gives it a shot, I guess.”

The problem with restriction was that Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface would probably spend the whole time they had Toki bitching. At least that would increase confidence that they actually _did_ miss him. Toki grew accustomed to hearing such accounts from his manager, but it meant so much for his bandmates to swallow their pride and say it for themselves. For all the tension currently between himself and Nathan, Toki would always appreciate when Nathan rested a heavy hand on his shoulder and grumbled out a statement of relief that Magnus hadn't caused too much damage before they found him. In the hot tub not shortly after his rescue, the other guys reflecting on sharing a band with that hothead turned into a comparison between him and Toki. So long as they had someone to simultaneously bash, they proved themselves capable of complimenting nature.

“ _Dood, Toki jest does whet we ask. Remember how little we'd git done because Magnus hadta throw a fit ferst?”_

“ _Couldn't even keep a schecret. Tell him anything, and boom, he'sch blackmailing you into buying him beer. At leascht you can truscht Toki. And he doeschn't go behind your back on lessch than a schecond'sch notische.”_

“ _De slowest and laziest fingers for de guitar, dat ams for shore. Toki could shreds him into oblivion.”_

“ _Guy only ever wrote one song fit for Dethklok. Which is, huh. . .still one more than Toki. Oh well.”_

Unfortunately, for every attempt at making Toki feel at home, Nathan managed to undermine it with senseless stupidity. That mostly circulated his relationship with Abigail; Toki braced himself when she told him in Mordhaus' hospital after their rescue from the Revengencers that she'd buckled to his insistence. Did nothing change since Roy Cornickelson's funeral? Yet again, Nathan got what he wanted, Pickles would grow resentful, and then Toki would get booted onto the street once he recovered, since Dethklok would be no more.

“You know I wouldn't let that happen,” Abigail told Toki when he expressed his worry. “I refuse to get stuck in the middle of something like that again, and I'm capable of turning Nathan down, if that would only be how it went.”

“How you knows it not? It all depend on Pickle.”

“He agrees that quitting the band would be a tad. . .dramatic.” Now that Abigail had been able to properly groom, she picked at unruly hair with a comb. A bottle of coconut oil shared the bedside table with Toki's personal effects. “Honestly, I wouldn't date Nathan if it wrecked the band. That's always been my stance. I think Pickles was a lot more forgiving of the situation when I explained my side. It wasn't my fault that Nathan got so carried away. The sub wasn't good for _anyone_.”

Toki resented the fact that Nathan wooed her so easily. However, bringing that up a few months later, after they'd both been released from medical care, made Toki sink in his seat.

“So basically, you think dating Nathan makes me weak,” Abigail summarized.

“No, I just thinks, um. . .” Toki struggled under her unimpressed expression. “I don'ts want you to get hurt, and maybes Nathan isn't sensitives enough to be with someone. I've knowns him for a long time. Is hards to trust him with someone that I considers a sister.”

“Toki. . .” She sighed. “I understand how you feel, all right? But you don't need to worry about me. I can handle my own, in a relationship. I didn't even expect this to happen. He was so sweet when we got out of there though, and it wasn't like I agreed to be his girlfriend just like _that_. I agreed to a date. Then to a second one. Then a third, and so on. Then he gave me a Hallowed Reckoning in the RPG we both play, and _that's_ when I was sold.

“Kidding.” Chuckling, Abigail tucked some hair behind her ear. “He's different, with me. So long as that remains true, I enjoy his company. I care about him. Don't think for a minute that I'd let any bad behaviour slip.”

That was all fine for Nathan and Abigail, but Toki still worried about Pickles. While Pickles made himself scarce whenever she came around and fell quiet if Nathan mentioned her, Toki earned a mere shrug when he inquired. At least Nathan proved himself capable of _some_ respect. The only reason Toki even knew they had sex was because _she_ mentioned it.

Pickles remained on Toki's mind as dinner came to an end. Fulfilling his promise, Toki shot the man a text before laying down for the suggested nap. Maybe his friendship with Nathan strained as of late and Murderface grew more miserable than ever after becoming the whipping boy, but Toki could rely on Pickles to make a night out worth experiencing. 


	49. Fault

“Dood!”

Toki yawned; now that he ended the constant knocking at his hotel door, he earned a crooked grin instead. Pickles stepped inside when invited, hovering near the table as Toki emptied his bladder in the adjoining bathroom. “Dids you talk to Charles, yet?”

“Nah, dood. Snuck past. He caught Nate 'n' Merderfece, though.”

“I gots to be backs here in a couple hours. I's not finished my testimony.”

“Dood, how kin you naht be done?”

“Is a long story, Pickle. Lots happened.”

“How much more you gaht?”

“Considerings how much I've told so fars, I would say I cans finish tomorrow. I's gotten as far as to when me and Skwisgaar wents to Mexico.” Toki brushed past Pickles toward his suitcase, in order to pull on a shirt. “Gonna tries to finish up as far as us gettings home in the mornings, then talks about what it was like up untils we played the benefits concert and Skwis rans off to Kovland, ins the afternoon. I gots no hopes of gettings it all done in one more go.”

“Would ya rather come out wid us tomorrow night, instead? Then we kin go super-feckin' hard. I get thet you gahtta be up 'n' reddy fer whetever in the morning, but I ken't guarantee Nate 'n' Merderfece're gonna be very sympathetic.”

“I don'ts know. Coulds do that too. Maybe just fors a little bit tonight we can go get some drinks, somewhere. Then I cans come back here and you guys can go does your thing? Or woulds that not be any funs?”

“Nah dood, it's cool. We gaht plenty of time ta get wasted. Heh. It'll be good to hang out, whetever thet entails.”

“Thanks, Pickle.” Toki smiled. “I cans always relies on you, evens if you already wasted.”

Pickles's words indeed slurred. Not until Toki looked at him via the bathroom mirror did he realize the man's demeanour grew more serious. “Dood?”

“Ja?”

“When're ya gonna tell _us_ whet happened? Or jest me, even,” Pickles amended, rubbing the back of his neck. “It's kinda weird. . .I mean, we're pritty good pals, reet? You guys disappear 'n' you go through all this shit, but we don't know _whet_. Ya know?”

Toki used brushing his teeth as cover for hesitation. He wasn't a stranger to his other bandmates' curiosity. The entire ordeal naturally remained a secret for only him and Skwisgaar to keep; after telling it to the Swedish court, no wonder overwhelming fatigue bowled Toki over every time one of them asked. They learned the crucial details, upon the flight back to Mordhaus.

“Don'ts know,” he answered. “Is too much to tells, really. You seens how long it takes, and how tireds it make me.”

“Would it be easier if all this crep wid Skwisgare didn' happen? Whet was it, anywee? You were datin' him 'n' crap, don' you gaht any idea whet the heck made him kill his mom? I mean shit, ken't deny thet I've fantasized about killin' my family, but whet makes you go _through_ wid it?”

Toki couldn't help but laugh. “Pickle, you and everyones between here and the moon beens asking me that question. I don'ts know. I gots my guesses, but evens then, it isn'ts anything I coulds tell you. He tolds it to Toki in confidence.”

“Like whet?”

“Nice tries.”

“Heh, ken't blame me, can ya?”

Secretly, Toki began to suspect that the only person that could satisfy the world's curiosity was Charles. Going so in-depth to everything on the stand provided Toki with a sense of unaccounted information. What exactly _did_ Skwisgaar tell Raina, that he never got around to confiding in Toki? Why did he trust a stranger with something so loaded, drunk or not? Maybe it was timing between this conversation and what he'd spent the afternoon relaying in court, but Toki tried to draw a connection. A struggle resulted in him shrugging it off.

“I'm sure whens he get out of prison, he'll tells us all about it,” Toki settled to say.

“I seriously doubt thet.” Pickles shrugged. “But hey, we all gaht our demons, reet? 'N' who's obligated to tell who whet? Let's go find those other guys 'n' hit a bar, or somethin'.”

Nathan and Murderface had already reached the parking garage, and sulked in the limousine when their bandmates joined them. Pickles cracked a beer apiece to get them all started.

“You're going to party with us longer than a couple hours, right?” Nathan asked Toki.

“Charlesch baschically told usch you're like Schinderella, or schomething,” Murderface added with a scoff. “That'sch scho gay—ohh, I mean lame.”

Rather than choose whether to roll his eyes or be grateful for the man's attempt at political correctness, Toki let it go. He wasn't gay anyway, if that meant he didn't ever like women. “I needs to have a good sleep because I'm stills not done in court. Pickle and I were talkings though, and we cames up with the idea that we coulds maybe just pals around a bit tonight, then goes really hard tomorrow?”

“What if you're schtill not done?”

“Thens the night after that. The points is that I woulds like to haves one more bender with you guys befores I go backs to Norway.”

Nathan clapped Toki on the shoulder approvingly, then frowned. “Wait, are you not staying until the end of the trial?”

“Uh. . .” Toki's eyes darted. “Untils the end of _my_ parts, anyway.”

“Dude, now hold on a minute. Why're you going to run off like that?” Nathan silenced Pickles with a glare when he attempted to intervene. “I'm gonna level with you, Toki: none of us want to be here. All right? None of us like waiting around to find out when we're going to see Skwisgaar again or what our future's going to be like. But we're still here. Why should it be any different for _you?_ ”

“He's my ex.” Although he and Skwisgaar never actually got around to formally ending their relationship, Toki considered him so.

“Do you want to see him stay in prison? Is that it?” Nathan asked. “Because—you know—that's probably normal, and shit.”

“Yeah, but if he wantsch Schkwischgaar to schtay in prischon, and he'sch the make-or-break witnessch, then what doesch that mean for usch if he throwsch hisch teschtimony?” Murderface narrowed his eyes.

Even Pickles rubbed his chin thoughtfully, as he studied Toki. Toki in turn, uncomfortable with being ganged up on, slunk in his seat and subconsciously pressed his knees together. “If I was goings to throw my testimony, I wouldn'ts be taking so long. I's making sure the judges hear every detail, whethers is importants or not, so thats they and the prosecution cans figure out what's best for Skwisgaar.”

“So then what's the problem?”

“Oh, maybe it'sch usch!” Murderface suggested. “Isch it usch?”

“It isn'ts that simple. . .”

“Hey. Toki.” Toki's flitting gaze landed on Nathan. “Could you do us a favour and cut out the bullshit? Give us the courtesy of something certain. We already have to try and plan around Skwisgaar, don't make us do it around _you_ , too.”

This vehicle was too small for all their attention to press so adamantly in on Toki. Trying to remember that these were his friends in order to fend off a panic attack, he sighed. “Okays.”

“Well?”

“I's not staying for the verdict. I don'ts want to get anymore involved in Skwisgaar's life than I alreadies has been. What I's trying to do is gets over him, because is my hope that when he gets out, things wills be back to normal.” A little lie wouldn't hurt, if they only wanted some peace of mind. What would they gain, if Toki shared his doubts about _his_ future in the band? Not that it would matter as much as losing Skwisgaar. . .

“And you think staying would fuck that up?”

Toki nodded. “Is best if I goes home and gets back to work. I maybes would have stayed if I didn'ts have to give testimony, if I was just waitings like you guys, but I's _exhausted_. This hasn'ts been easy.”

“You think it'sch any easchier, juscht schitting around?” One of Murderface's eyebrows rose. “Not knowing anything at all? At leascht you get to schee him—schort of—and you get to make a differensche.”

“Right.” Once upon a time, the four of them sat on the recreation room couch, watching various news channels film the outside of a courthouse as Skwisgaar contended with the mothers of his children. Even though that bore significantly less magnitude than a murder charge, they didn't want to see their bandmate financially ruined.

They'd come a long way, since then. Toki enjoyed then that, for once, it wasn't _him_ begging for some form of compassion from his friends. However, the repeated prospect of losing one of the band's limbs deflated them all. Looking at his fellow members, Toki realized just how much they'd aged. Maybe all the stress and booze combined to suck their spirits dry.

Nathan crossed his arms. “But you don't really want to see him, do you?”

“I don'ts know.”

“Gotta say, uhh—just putting this out there. It would definitely be for the best, when we get back on track, that you and him aren't dating anymore. Can't really deny that we wouldn't be in this situation if you two hadn't hooked up in the first place.”

Toki's insides boiled with immediate anger. That had nothing to do with it. He and Skwisgaar didn't run off because of some campily romantic idea that away from Mordhaus they could reciprocate their undying love. They were on the verge of breaking up when Skwisgaar went to Sweden, and the accompanying stress _wasn't_ the instigation for that. No; damages trumped the mindlessness that came with love, any day of the week. Unfortunately for Toki, he couldn't tell the other guys that without disclosing some key points about Skwisgaar and their relationship. No matter how badly Toki thought about the man, he promised he'd keep his secrets. Therefore, it was for the best that the band believed that false truth. It kept them from further inquiring, at the very least.

“You don'ts got to worry about it,” he eventually ground out. “Gives to Toki anothers beer.”

They took that as assertion that, under Mordhaus' roof, never again would two of their five members pair off in such fashion. However, in the silence that followed, Toki revisited the discussion after lunch with his mother. If Toki returned to the United States, was this what it would be like? Tension aside, would every day dawn with fresh blame heaped atop Toki? Why did the economy suck so badly? Because they couldn't make the next album. Why not? Because Skwisgaar's in jail. Why? Because Toki somehow drove him there. And why didn't Toki get him out? Because whatever testimony he gave—whether he faulted in telling it correctly or didn't have information weighted enough to share—wasn't any good. Therefore, Toki failed them. He failed Skwisgaar, the band, and the world.

That scale of blame led to another beer bottle situated by his feet. In that situation, Toki would probably drink himself to death by the time he turned thirty-five. Then what? If the band poised for an epic comeback once Skwisgaar went free, that would present a rather nasty kink. At least if Toki returned to his homeland and soothed the various aches in his soul, there remained chance in future for a reunion.

“Dood, slow down. We ain't even at the bar, yet.” Pickles punched him amiably in the arm. “Whet's yer rush? Yer gonna be junk before we even rilly get started.”

Every bad thought crossing the synapses in his brain compelled Toki to bring the bottle back to his mouth. Maybe Twinkletits spoke the truth about alcoholism. Toki hadn't drank in months before coming to Stockholm, and he assumed that showed some form of restraint. However, control wasn't something he currently possessed. Only when Nathan wrestled a bottle from his grasp and smacked his hand away from fetching a new one did Toki give up.

“Okee, we're puttin' you on a limit tonight,” Pickles stated. “Yer only allowed to have one every half-hour.”

“Is onlies like. . .” Toki sluggishly did the math. “Fives, once we get to wheres we going.”

“Plus the five ya already drank. It's fair.”

“Since when does _you_ care how much Toki puts into himself? You's all gonna drinks like a hundred a piece, tonights.”

“Yeah, but we're going to schleep it off, tomorrow. _You_ gotta go back to court.”

“So?”

“So do us a favour and get Skwisgaar out of there as soon as possible. We'd rather party with both of you than just watch you get shit-faced tonight.”

“He killeds his mom. Not sure I's gonna have much to says about that to—what would helps.” Toki hiccuped. If only his dinner remained in his stomach a little while longer, then a handful of beers wouldn't have such an adverse effect.

“Just try, all right? S'all anyone wants you to do, Toki.”

“Does you guys _really_ blames me?” he asked. “Is its true? Is this reallies my fault?”

“Thet was prahbly a bit too hasty to say. Go on, Nate. Apologize.”

“Can't deny it was a contributing factor.”

“ _Dood_.”

Nathan let out a long sigh. “Okay. Hey, Toki. That, uh. . .that was kind of a shitty thing for me to say. It isn't like you told Skwisgaar to go murder his mom. Maybe shit was fucked up when we got you home, but at least neither of you were dead. There.”

“Yeah, schtupid Schkwischgaar. Why'd he have to do that, anyway? Did he really think he'd get away with it?”

He very well could have, after the handful of people that found themselves dead during his and Toki's round of the United States and northeastern Mexico. Even if Skwisgaar was only responsible for the instigating murder, Toki presented enough of an example. Still. . .like Pickles said, what drove someone to bring about death in the family? If anyone had a reason to commit matricide—as well as the underlying rage—it was Pickles. So then what differentiated him from Skwisgaar? What did Pickles lack, or was it more likely that Skwisgaar somehow came up short? 


	50. Open Season

They seated themselves in a bar a few blocks away from the hotel. In a more open area and with plainclothes klokateers keeping potential threats and annoyances at bay, Toki finally began to relax. The need to down his beer as quickly as possible dissipated; Pickles maintained his promise to feed him a new one every half hour, and each nearly lasted until a new one slid across the table.

“Me and Dick have been in the schtudio, too,” Murderface said when Toki inquired upon his recent occupations. “You know, whenever thesche two aren't hogging it. I've finally got a demo together for Planet Pissch.”

“Oh, reallies?” Toki's eyes lit up. “You needs to send me a copy! Does you have my email address?”

“Posschibly. . .”

“I'll text it to yous, if you don'ts.”

“Is that what you've been doing?” Nathan asked. “You deleted like three of our tracks, that one day. What the hell was that for?”

“It wasch an accschident. People make them, get used to it.”

“Not in my studio, they don't. Either learn how to properly use the equipment or get your own built.”

“With what money, huh?” Murderface snapped back. “I'm a little schtrapped right now, because we're not exschactly making any.”

“Dood, you gaht no money because you bought Versailles.”

“Versailles?” Toki repeated. “Likes in Paris?”

“Yup.” Murderface folded his fingers together behind his head. “Firscht order of buschinessch: fire everyone. Then closche it to the public. Yeah, I'm thinking about turning it into a bigger and better red light dischtrict. Lascht time I went there, I'd scheen better girlsch in eastern Europe.”

“Hey, don't knock chicks from over there. Some of them are total babes. Remember when we played in Kiev? I just about dropped to my knees, backstage.”

“Skwisgare _did_ ,” Pickles reminded them all to laughter. “Remember, we hadta leave fer Budapest 'n' we couldn' even drag him out of there. 'Dood, there's ladies in Hungary too!'”

“Guysch,” Murderface nudged Nathan. “Be a little more schenschitive. Thisch probably ischn't schomething Toki wantsch to hear.”

“What makes you thinks that?” Toki chuckled again. “He likeds to fuck around, whats is new?”

“You don't care if we talk about him like that?”

“I's laughing, aren'ts I?” Distance from the man dissuaded the majority of Toki's jealousy. He had no right to feel like that anyway, if they no longer dated. Toki had learned in the years leading up to the fruition of his infatuation that nothing could cap Skwisgaar's thirst for variety. Even after emotional involvement and a harsh ending, the twinge of anxiety hurt far less than anticipated. “Seriously, is okay. Just because we dateds doesn't mean I was blinds to that. I knew what I was gettings into, when we gots together.”

“Sure about that?”

“Is dumb to thinks you can force someone likes him to settles for one person.” Months of therapy and the chance for reflection made Toki comfortable that, while Skwisgaar bedded magnitudes of people, he possessed the man in a way that no one else ever could. “You guys wents out with him when we cames home. . .didn'ts you ever notice that?”

“Oh. . .” Pickles rubbed his chin, while the other two averted their gazes. “Yeeuh, we mighta seen thet. You were okay widdit? You _knew?_ ”

“You nevers caught onto that?”

“And here we've been schitting on thisch ever schinsche! Damn it Toki, do you have any idea how much it schucked to try and protect you from that? Why didn't you schay anything schooner?”

“Protects me?” Toki scoffed, then turned to Nathan. “I tolds _you_ it was okay, didn'ts I?”

“You said you'd rather hear it from Skwisgaar, and you were—I dunno, stressed out.” Nathan shrugged. “So I didn't say anything else.”

“That was a hards time for me, but not because of that.” Acquiescing to Skwisgaar's need for an open relationship, while sometimes taxing, actually played no part in their end. Perhaps, if Skwisgaar had put more eggs into that basket, they'd still be together. Skwisgaar would sit here with them, reflecting on past fucks and sharing his own experiences from various tours.

Toki had to remind himself that it wasn't always that easy, to think about. While he healed up in Monterrey, Skwisgaar's focus both warmed and broke Toki. Skwisgaar wrestled the duty of bringing Toki's meals away from the help, and when Rosa poked her nose in about it, he told her with utmost conviction that he had it under control. On the flip side though, Toki became really good at picking up when physical need tugged Skwisgaar's sleeve; he'd adamantly chew his fingernails, continuously shift, and zone out of conversation. After witnessing that and then precipitating his slink-off to take care of it over the next few days, Toki couldn't allow any further guilt.

“Skwis, we needs to talk.”

The man sat in the chair beside the bed, one arm crossed firmly across his stomach and thumbnail firmly fixed between his teeth. “We does?”

“I beens thinking. . .would you comes lay with me for a minute?” In order to quell fear in Skwisgaar that he'd done something wrong, Toki kissed his forehead upon settling together. “I feels bad.”

“Why?”

“Because this isn'ts fair. You beens taking care of me so well, and no one's been takings care of _you_.”

“I gots it under control,” Skwisgaar halfheartedly mumbled with a shrug.

“I won'ts have it.” Toki ran his fingers through thick hair. “This isn'ts just a week-long ordeal. I really don'ts know when I's going to be okay to gets back on the horse.”

“Dere ams more important t'ing dan me gettings laid.”

“Toki still thinks it important that you's happy. I knows you too well to think it would work, this way.”

Skwisgaar's brow furrowed. “So you ams dumping me?”

“No, elskling,” Toki assured him. “I thinks is noble that you's trying so hard to fits into what I wants for a relationship, but I's watching you get more restless everyday. It isn'ts fair. Things have. . .things have changed a lot, since we starteds dating. I tooks for granted that _I_ at least woulds be fucking you.”

“Speakings from experience, you shouldn'ts push yourself for me.”

“Quit playings dumb. You knows what I'm trying to say.”

Pressing his lips together, Skwisgaar studied him. “Okays. . .but why, whens you were so againsts it?”

“Because I's been doing some thinkings,” Toki repeated. “You mades it very clear when we talkeds about it that sex isn'ts really a big deal to you. You's more than capable of fucking someone withouts getting an attachment like whats we have. I knows that, from years of beings your friend. Withs more time to considers it, nots to mention with circumstance. . .I sees your point.”

“And you amn'ts mad or upsets about it?”

“I'm stills a little tentative, if I's completely honest,” Toki admitted. “But I cares about you. I wants you to be happy. And. . .I guess we can'ts really know how it'll go untils we give it a shot. I can't knows for sure that you'll get so distracteds that you'lls forget about me, untils it happen. Wills it affect how close we ares? Wills I get jealous? Don'ts know yet.”

Contrary to what Toki expected, Skwisgaar didn't exude utmost happiness to get his wish. His brow remained furrowed, his touch sparse.

“Is what you wanteds, isn't it?”

“Ams importants to me dat it wouldn'ts affect dis. Sex amn'ts de biggest priority in my life.”

“But just because I can'ts have it, that don'ts mean is off your mind.”

“Ams a tough call to makes, though. You saids before you couldn'ts let dis happen, and now. . .ams you shore dat—well, to puts it bluntly, I don'ts want to make you t'ink somehow dat you gots not'ing to offers me in dat way. Ams easy, when bad t'ing happen, for you to t'ink you am somehows lesser for it.”

“You understands that though, so you'll helps that not be true?”

“I just amn't shore if dis am a goods time to start somet'ing like dat.”

“It isn'ts because this happen that I's coming around to it. Remembers in Vegas, when I tolds you one day I could sees myself beings okay with it? I meants further down the road, but since I beens thinking about it these last couple of days, I's okay to tries it. We can sees how it go.”

“I wants to make somet'ing clare, forst,” Skwisgaar stated. “Ams an important t'ing to know, ins an open relatesingip. You alreadies have insecurities about me. Dat ams why, evens though you ams logicallys okay wit' me sleepings wit' other people, you gets overwhelmed by de emotions. I wants to make shore you knows dat no matters what I does outside de relatesingip, dis am stills importants to me. And I'll proves dat as often as you needs me to.”

“Thanks you.” Toki pulled him in for a hug. “Is goods for me, too. Takes the pressures off, you know? Is where my heads is at, at the moments.”

“I gets dat. Just remembers too, dat dis amn'ts being lockeds in. Dere ams always room for negotiation. If in de future dis amn't somet'ing dat work, we figures it out.”

“I appreciates how seriously you takes it. It means a lot that you puts the effort in with me to makes it easier to handle, rathers than just runnings for the door to find someones.”

Skwisgaar rubbed Toki's upper arm. “Ams dis somet'ing dat you woulds be more comfortable to be in de darks about, or does you wants to know what I'ms up to?”

“Well. . .I's guilty of tellings myself stories to fills in the blanks. You's done this befores with your ex, so whats is your experience?” Acknowledging past relationships seemed a good place to start, in wetting Toki's toes to share Skwisgaar.

“Ams why Katrine and I was opens about everyt'ing. Porsonally, ifs de situation was dat you were going to sleeps wit' someone else, I woulds want to hears about it. I ams just as capables of jealousy and making somet'ings out of not'ing, as de next porson.”

“I's a little nervous about what I woulds feel, if you tells me you slepts with someone. But I thinks I would feel better than if I knews it happened and you didn't say anythings. Is that true?”

“Ja, because I woulds rather my partner be honest wit' me dan withholds dat information.”

“So we tries that, then,” Toki agreed. “I guess the first time's a little hard, because you don'ts really know what or hows to feel about it, but you gets used to it, ja?”

“Mhm.” Skwisgaar smiled. “Also because evens though I was fucking someone else, you sees dat I always come back to you.”

In Stockholm, Toki re-experienced the sensation of sexual freedom. This came in such small windows, that he feared to waste it. Normally it happened whenever circumstance or geography put him in a place where he couldn't do anything beyond jack off. In a bar though, situated with friends that engrossed themselves in conversation he didn't care about, his eye wandered. He hadn't slept with anyone, since Skwisgaar.

“Whatcha think, dood?” Pickles nudged Toki out of a drilling gaze directed across the room. Realizing what he'd interrupted, Pickles peered over his shoulder. “Dood, are you checkin' out thet guy over there?”

“So whats if I am?” Shit-eating grins across all three of his bandmates' faces automatically raised Toki's defences.

“Naht ta pry, but seriously, when's the last time you gaht laid?”

“Fucks off, that's when.”

“What?” Nathan sat up straighter. “No, this is unacceptable. Why haven't you been fucking anyone?”

“Hasn'ts had the chance. Didn'ts feel like it.”

“Do you feel like it now?”

“Is its any of your business?”

“Dood, okee, if you wanna git laid, we're gonna help ya out.”

“You's—what?”

“Yeah, you've been moping around ever since we got here. Let loose, bro. You deserve it.”

Not entirely shocked, since his bandmates did this occasionally when a woman used to catch Toki's eye, he peered again over toward the bar. He could appreciate that it didn't matter, should a guy procure attention instead. “You aren'ts just saying that so you cans tease me later, ares you?”

“If we cared that you schlept with guysch, you would've heard about it monthsch ago.”

“I _dids_ hear about it.”

“What were we schupposched to do when we found out about you and Schkwischgaar, _not_ react?” With a chuckle, Murderface put an arm around Toki's shoulder. “Take thisch from uncle Murderfasche: you're family, and family helpsch family get laid. What doesch it matter who you messch around with, scho long asch you're having fun?”

“Unless—don't forget that thing we learned about, those people that don't want or like to fuck, or whatever,” Nathan stated. “But Toki, you do, right?”

One eyebrow raised and lips parted, Toki nodded. Obviously, if they had this conversation.

“Cool. So then go on. Go. But be safe, there's lots of weirdos out there, infected with who-knows-what.”

Nathan sipped his beer as Toki slid out of the booth. None of them knew about he or Skwisgaar's common HIV diagnosis, but the reminder didn't go unheeded. For any potential partner's sake, Toki needed to be careful. This too, on top of lacking opportunity, drive, and motivation, deterred Toki from seeking physicality. His planets aligned correctly tonight, though; Skwisgaar didn't damper his mind and mood, he felt sexual enough for something quick and casual, and confidence via encouragement undermined all the little doubts that would normally tuck his tail between his legs.

Unsure if the lone man he'd made eyes at for the last quarter hour even swung his way, Toki hopped up onto the stool beside. Shamelessly, this person reflected the type Toki came to recognize as his preference: long blond hair, although finer than Skwisgaar's, was held back by a low ponytail. Glasses situated on a similarly sized nose, albeit longer and with a more drastic hook. Dim light accentuated sharp cheekbones. If he were to stand, Toki wouldn't be surprised to find himself a couple inches shorter.

Curiosity rather than discomfort radiated from Toki's right. Toki cleared his throat when it became unbearable, drawing full attention rather than questioning gazes. “Coulds I buy you something to drink?”

“Shore.” Even the accent was similar. Already feeling victorious, Toki glanced over his shoulder to where his bandmates watched like hawks. When he waved dismissively, embarrassed by their unadulterated attention, Pickles grinned widely and offered two thumbs up. With that, Nathan spoke a few words, jerked his head, and led Pickles and Murderface somewhere in the venue not visible from where Toki sat. With some notion of privacy, Toki turned back to his potential catch, sliding some kronor to the bartender as thanks for their fresh beverages.


	51. Anders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illustrated.

Further contrasting his attitude in the limousine, Toki's nerves increased too much for him to take more than a single sip from his glass. Now that he'd gathered the balls necessary to approach a complete stranger, as well as ascertain that this man must reciprocate _some_ interest if he accepted the drink, Toki feared self-sabotage.

“My name's Toki.”

The man's thin lips twitched up at the corner and he tilted his head in deeper interest. A warm hand accepted the proffered counterpart. “Anders.”

Introducing himself scared Toki to death for the awkwardness that would descend, should conversation not naturally carry on. A beat before Toki's blank mind doomed him, Anders spoke again. “So then I don't have to ask if you're from around here. Would you be more comfortable if I spoke Bokmål?”

Toki smiled gratefully, switching over. “I'm always scared I sound stupid, when I speak English.”

“You shouldn't. It's a difficult language to master—although that can be true of any, I suppose.”

“Seems like you've never had trouble with that. Your English and Norwegian are both flawless so far, and you're Swedish, ja?”

“Mhm,” Anders confirmed. “I'm advantaged though, so I have no excuse _not_ to be fluent. I'm a linguist, at Stockholm University.”

“Wowie, so you probably speak way more than just those three.”

“My focus is on northern Germanic languages, so Danish and Icelandic as well. English I learned out of necessity of course, and I dabble somewhat in Uralic languages for geographical interest. Sami and Finnish primarily. . .” The man trailed off with a chuckle. “But it sounds incredibly boring, when put that way.”

“No way, I think that's really cool.” Toki leaned onto the bar. “Everyone's got their thing, right? I wish _I_ had that kind of talent for languages. I'd learn so many, like Italian, just for the hell of it.”

Toki could tell that, right away, he'd stumbled onto something that this person cared greatly about. Anders' spine straightened, and bony hands as long and thin as the rest of him emphasized animation. The smooth face Toki initially sat down beside now wrinkled at the corners of dark grey eyes. “Here's a trick: languages become easy to catch onto as soon as you're able to identify the familial grammatical rules. Of course you still need to learn the vocabulary, but you can streamline your education once you develop an eye and ear for trends. Italian is a Romantic language, so even for me it'd be starting right from scratch in attempt to study it.”

“You must teach, too.”

“Studying language doesn't necessarily pay the bills on its own,” Anders conceded with a bow of his head. “Although, admittedly it's better with a world economy based on an art form. It's more acceptable nowadays to dedicate your life to analyzing how communication reflects the mind. Class sizes for humanities have increased, which is also good news for me.”

“Job security, and all that?”

“Mhm. Sometimes it cuts into my research, but I find it just as rewarding. Lots of Swedish students, they come into my lecture hall sounding like your dear bandmate, and they leave much more proficient at the end of term. I can at least convince them that not every conjugation for the verb 'to be' is am or ams.”

Toki snorted. “Ja, even _I_ figured that out. Mostly my problems lie in pluralization. It doesn't help that the people I spoke to most when I first moved to America weren't easily understandable. Nathan stutters and stumbles a lot, Moidaface has a lisp, and Pickle is pretty much always drunk, so the alcohol clashes pretty badly with his accent.”

“It's quite cringeworthy to watch sometimes, when they're addressing the public.”

The initial goal of getting this person back to his hotel room slipped in urgency, although Toki still couldn't tear his gaze away. He hadn't been able to put to words before, how passion rapidly drew him to someone. Perhaps that explained why Toki failed so hard with Pharron, when he could have easily dated her for an indefinite period of time should her personality attract him as fully as her appearance.

As for Anders, Toki picked up smaller details while engrossed with a doctorate candidate; he spoke more from his diaphragm in accordance to his excitement, then checked himself with a clear of the throat and sheepish glance about their immediate area whenever it got out of hand. His foot tapped repeatedly against his stool's leg brace. Eventually, as he scrutinized Toki's natural dialect and accent, he set his folded glasses down on the bar.

“It's not one I immediately recognize,” he mused. “My gut instinct tells me Eastern dialect, since your syntax and vocabulary aren't _too_ different from those used in and around Oslo, but your inflections are curious. I feel stupid to have to ask, but you didn't live in a city during your youth, did you?”

Toki shook his head, unable to subdue his smile.

“Those words I asked you to clarify, they derive from terms I'm familiar with, but I've never heard them before tonight. Was your hometown isolated?”

“Very.”

“Historically, each strain of Norwegian has developed distinct idiosyncrasies, thanks to the detached nature of communities prior to the early nineteen-hundreds. Since then, some of the lesser spoken ones have merged with those more dominating in the area. You, however. . .Osloites utilize a retroflex flap, but yours is markedly an alveolar. And you've completely ignored monophthongization. Fascinating.”

“I can't believe how much you can know about a person just by listening to how they talk,” Toki remarked. “Is it strange sometimes, to know more about someone from _that_ than what they might actually say?”

Anders laughed. “Sorry, normally I'm not so inclined to bring this off-campus. I just couldn't help but get excited by something so different from everything I've been working on for the last four and a half years. I shouldn't ask such prying questions into your life, especially when details like where you grew up aren't common knowledge.”

“It's okay—really.” Toki's assurance accompanied a graze of their fingers. “Don't worry about those sort of things. It's kept under wraps so that masses of people won't descend on my mother's house. I'm not really _that_ secretive.”

“Out of respect, I won't ask more than I need to know.”

Breach of physical contact reminded both in a comfortable silence that they didn't simply strike up conversation because their seats were neighbours. If anything confirmed for Toki that Anders didn't mind attention beyond what he did for a living, it was a softening of his energy.

The other man slipped thin digits underneath the outside of Toki's hand. His thumb ran lightly over slightly darker skin. “It must be stressful, right now.”

“Ja. I needed the night off. Shuttling between the hotel and courthouse for the past couple days has made me feel like a cooped up animal.” One secret Toki needed to keep was that he wasn't currently living at Mordhaus. After Skwisgaar's incarceration, that did _not_ need to touch the rumour mill. “What about you? No offence, but don't you have better places to hang out than somewhere like this?”

“I do. . .” Anders' bottom lip caught his teeth. “To be honest, I'm supposed to be on a date right now. He stood me up.”

“Oh.”

“So I'm trying to forget about it. And what better way than coming here?” The other man took another drink from his pint glass, following up with a mirthless chuckle. “That probably sounds pitiful. I should've just gone home.”

“It doesn't sound pitiful to me. Sometimes it's not so easy just to take the hit and carry on as if nothing happened. Were you looking forward to it?”

“It's Tuesday night,” Anders reminded him with a squeeze of the hand. “What good can happen in the middle of the week? We've been trying to reschedule for about a month, now. . .I suppose it just wasn't meant to happen.”

“I'm not intruding somehow, am I?”

“No, no no. It's good that you're here. This night was only bound to get worse, on my lonesome. I wanted to spend it with someone. . .even if it's just a Tuesday.”

“Maybe it's the snow,” Toki speculated. Out the window, it blew practically sideways. If Toki listened closely enough, he could hear the building shift under force of the wind. A gust sent a chill up his back whenever someone opened the door. “That probably makes me sound like a black metal musician, though. You know, all about the snow, forest, blackness. . .”

“Don't forget burning churches,” Anders contributed. “That's been coming back a bit, huh?”

“I've seen it on the news, ja. Up in Trondheim, last month? That was quite the thing.”

“They arrested someone today.”

“Good, I guess?” Toki chuckled. “I never really know where to stand on all that. I want to say there're better ways to go about making a statement, and yet part of me would totally strike up a match. Uhh. . .”

Rather than deter Anders, his touch moved further up Toki's arm. “Honestly, I don't think there's many people that can't understand what goes through their minds. But you're right. There's a point where symbolism becomes a numbed image and those wishing to make a difference need to choose a more effective platform.”

“I probably would have been a church-burner, if I didn't get out of here when I was young. I was. . .pretty angry.” Only the fear of legitimately being hunted by his father stunted Toki from destroying the house of God he once worshiped in. Wanting to avoid such heavy subject matter, he cleared his throat. “Sorry, I don't mean to bring the mood down. All I wanted to say was that when it gets miserable outside, company eases the desolation.”

“I'm the one that brought up the churches. I'm actually going up to Trondheim in a couple days for work, and I was planning on checking out the damage. I would be lying to say the clash between Christian and metal culture in Scandinavia doesn't interest me. But it isn't something we need to talk about, if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Toki realized they weren't sitting closely enough; their knees touching made him feel better. “It doesn't bother me, so long as it doesn't bother _you_.”

“Can't help what's interesting, can we?” The corner of Anders' mouth twitched again toward a smile. “I'll give you this: this is a better evening than I would've had, should my date have actually shown up. I'm glad I picked this of all places, and I'm glad you came up here. Might I be forward for a moment though, and ask what your original intention was?”

Heat involuntarily crept up Toki's neck. “Well. . .you're attractive.”

“Thank you.”

“And I kind of had an idea to bring you back to my hotel room, if you were at all interested.”

“Can I finish my drink first?” Anders brought his glass to his lips.

“Of course.” Now that his plan slipped into motion, nerves struck Toki again. In order to avoid downing his beer, he slid off the stool. “I'll be right back. We only had one vehicle between the four of us, and I need to let the other guys know they're going to be stranded here a short while.”

“Whatever you need to do.”

Weaving in and out of fellow patrons, Toki hunted down his bandmates. A klokateer halted him briefly with a hand to the chest, then apologized before stepping aside upon recognition.

Nathan saw him first. “You struck out, didn't you?”

“Nots exactly.” Toki gestured to Pickles. “Cans you come here a minute?”

“Yeeuh, dood.” In close proximity and away from the others, Pickles' eyes glazed over in obvious manner. “Whet's goin' ahn?”

“I needs your help. I gots this. . .problem.” Toki swallowed with difficulty; at least Pickles was drunk, and would easily take a lie. “When I drinks too much, you knows how it go. Nots always easy to gets it up.”

“Oh. Heh.” Pickles immediately dug into his pocket. “Ya know whet, I was totally anticipatin' a little whisky dick fer myself, but you kin take this. You werked hard to get thet dood, 'n' it'd be an injustice if this was where it stahpped.”

“Wowie, thanks Pickle.” Toki slipped the small pill into his own jeans. “I owes you.”

“Nah, don' werry about it. I'm jest takin' the hit.”

“Stills, this is a bigs deal to me.” A brief, tight hug ended with Pickles balancing himself against the wall. “Me and hims are going backs to the hotel. Is okay if I use the limo fors a few minutes, then sends it back?”

“Don' see why naht. We've made ourselves comfortable. We kin definitely wait thet long, before movin' ahn somewhere else.”

Unable to contain his glee, Pickles fell prey to one more squeeze. “Okays, wish me luck!”

Such a lengthy dry spell necessitated one more thing before Toki returned to the bar; a quick detour into the bathroom landed a couple condoms on top of Pickles' bestowal. Until Toki saw that Anders remained in his seat, he worried the man might take his absence as chance to rethink a one-night stand. However, a glass empty spare lingering head sat on the bar, and a warm smile accompanied a touch of Toki's hip. Now that they stood before each other, Toki found himself right about their respective height differences. It wasn't as drastic as between himself and Skwisgaar, yet his jaw still lifted in order to meet the other man's gaze.

“Lead the way, ja?” 


	52. Billion Dollar Hands

The limousine's dim, red light tinged Anders' hair and skin alike as he situated on the back bench inside. While he took in the opulence mirroring Dethklok's wealth, Toki shifted closer. Now that they were alone in wake of asserting a common goal, would it be totally wrong to touch Anders like a possession? He was one now in a sense, right, even if just for the night?

Starting small, Toki rested a hand on his knee. “Did you want some wine, or are you good?”

Anders accepted with a nod. “Traffic's going to slow us down. These streets have never been so jam-packed. . .I've tried to avoid it, but even Östermalm seems overcrowded. There'll be no escaping it until the trial is over.”

Oddly, in different company, Toki could separate himself from the entire ordeal. He needed this more than anything, tonight. As result, the most expensive-looking bottle came out of the cooler. Toki waited for another lull in the vehicle's movement before daring to pour. “I'm ready to get out of it, and I don't even live here. I should be used to crowds.”

“I understand the feeling. Normally, I would rather lock myself in my office than stand in front of a room full of shifts and murmurs. It's a strange form of quiet, sometimes a little unsettling.”

“Are you from somewhere smaller, or did you grow up in Stockholm?”

“My parents have an apartment over in the Kista district. So ja, I've lived in Stockholm my whole life, although sometimes it doesn't feel so. We came over to the city centre _maybe_ once a year, if my parents could get the same day off work.”

Sensing similar discomfort to what Skwisgaar emanated when disclosing the destitution he grew up in, Toki squeezed Anders' knee reassuringly. “Don't let the wine fool you. I've never gotten used to living like I belong to the upper class. To give you an idea of how I grew up, I was over ten years old the first time I actually saw a flush toilet.”

“You do what _I_ do, then,” Anders observed with a smile. “Financially it's where you belong, but you feel like you're wearing a costume whenever you're obligated to mingle with your fellows. Don't let the way I talk fool _you_ , either; I used to get teased in school for coming off as arrogant, and I'll admit I tried to hide how little my family had. It's come in handy though, at this point in my life. Whenever I have to attend some sort of function, I fit in on a superficial level. However, you never quite hide the lack of culture you possess beneath the surface. Or so it feels.”

“I never tried to hide it. Didn't see much of a point, when those around me didn't either.”

Toki settled close enough to the other man for their thighs to touch. An arm across the back of the seat behind Anders seemed again to alter the energy between them. “Toki?”

“Mhm?” Toki sipped his glass to avoid fidgeting.

“I have to ask. . .have you been with a man before?”

“Ja.”

“Okay. I just wanted to know if this is new for you.”

“Recent maybe, but not new, no. Do I seem nervous?”

“Perhaps.” Anders turned more toward him. “You don't need to be, with me. We don't have to do anything, if you've got second thoughts.”

“It isn't that. I'd be lying to say you're not a little intimidating, and it's unnerving how badly I want this to happen.”

“So then why haven't you done anything about that?”

Good question. Even if Anders didn't possess the big lips that normally drew Toki in, Toki could more than imagine himself affixed to them. Anticipating the blended taste of expensive wine and particular flavour of the individual, Toki removed the man's glasses. “You can see okay without these, right? I'm not blinding you?”

“I'm near-sighted, so it's fine.” Anders took them to set aside. Alcohol on his breath twitched Toki's nostrils. Keen for more, as well as afraid that the moment would pass should he stall any longer, he leaned in.

Initially, he wasn't sure what to feel. A hooked nose pressing against Toki's cheek objectively pleased him, and wine tasted better when backed by earlier's beer. Tentative touch to his jaw ended the contact; then, Toki's stomach chose to drop. Heat in his lower abdomen, presented with ether, breached its usual stopping point in ache for physical companionship. Bare hint of an invitation in the way Anders glanced at Toki's mouth brought them back together.

A shared chuckle briefly interrupted them; Anders pushed hair away from Toki's face. “Should we wait until we get to the hotel, before we get too carried away?”

“I think we can handle it,” Toki breezed. However, a groan when their tongues touched and lips slid freely reverberated right to his core. Unable to resist, Toki's hand trailed up underneath the other man's black sweater. Inhaling deeply instigated more press in their foreheads rather than mouths, when his fingers found metal. “Are you serious?”

“Both of them.”

Toki played carefully with the barbell, completely captivated until Anders arched closer. The minute fear that he'd hurt the man went dashed by a slack expression. When Toki ran his thumb over the nipple, he earned a mouth near his ear. “You should be careful. . .nothing gets me harder faster.”

Assertion he did well provoked similar reaction. It was probably a tad cruel, but Toki learned from the best how to tease his sexual partners. A new groan permeated him differently, via direct contact to Anders' throat. He tested the man's limits by tugging and twisting the piercings, rewarded with a carnal whimper and impatient squeeze of the shoulder.

“We're probably going to have to make a march of shame, up from the garage,” Toki observed. Unabashed by his own erection, he slid his hand in between Anders' legs to palm through denim. “Sorry.”

“Don't be.” Flushed cheeks and heavily-lidded eyes undermined the blue-blooded behaviour that initially caused Toki hesitation. Goosebumps followed an exposed torso, as Toki's teeth picked up where his fingers left off. A hiss accompanied a tug of hair. “Hey. . .when we get back to your room, you're going to fuck me, right?”

“Ja, if you want to as much as I do.”

“Good.”

By the time street lights transformed to the pale yellows of the hotel's parking garage, Toki had offered Anders a taste of his weight and earned tensing thighs against his waistline. The limousine braking forced them to take stock of the situation; if not for the necessity of lube, they would probably have much more reason to readjust their clothing when a klokateer opened the door. “We've arrived, Sires.”

“Thanks.”

Feigning oblivion to the bodyguards following, Toki pulled Anders toward the elevator. Its mirrors nearly brought him to a stop before the open doors; he'd seen in the limousine obvious arousal and how badly he mussed Anders's ponytail, but seeing it in himself summoned a strange mood. It'd been _so long_ since he could do something carefree, and he forgot a reason existed for that. What if they'd done something before his wits returned to him? Even if HIV couldn't be passed along via saliva, Toki still felt dirty for keeping the other man in the dark.

Anders nudged him. “You okay?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“Sure.”

“I'm sorry I didn't say sooner, before we did anything at _all_. I don't want you to think I'm—” The elevator doors opening on Toki's floor forced him to lower his voice. “I don't want you to think I'm leading you on.”

Anders furrowed his brow rather than reply, as Toki led him to his hotel room. Inside, Anders crossed his arms while he waited for Toki to gather the nerves necessary.

Toki had considered every possible reaction for disclosing, but he couldn't really stress about negativity until it happened. “I have HIV.”

“Do you have condoms?”

“Ja.”

Anders pat his elbow reassuringly. “Then what's the problem?”

“I just thought you should know, in case it's not something you're comfortable with.”

Warm hands snuck up Toki's shirt, followed by the press of a torso. “It doesn't change anything. I still want to do this.”

“Not just because we're—you know, we're both a little worked up, here.”

“I go home and jack off pretty much every night. I could do the same now, if I really needed to.”

“Well, so long as it doesn't bother you. . .”

“Toki.” Anders tucked hair behind his ear. “You're going to find it's not as big of a deal as you've made it out to be. It's not a death sentence anymore, and it doesn't need to kill your sex life either.”

“That's what my doctor says.” Abigail too, but it meant a lot more coming from someone with his eye on Toki's dick.

“He's a smart man.” Toki's abs devoid of hands resulted in the button of his jeans coming undone. Swollen lips pressed again as the zipper gave a low protest. “A condom might actually make this better. It'll slow us down a bit—make it last.”

Toki feared that too slow might summon some old problems, although the touch of another person so far kept him rock hard and wet. Precum spreading down toward the base brought forth a new wave of primitivity, as well as the question of whether or not he actually needed Pickles' pill. Maybe it would be okay with a stranger. Anders didn't know what he'd gone through, and Toki needed to be treated like the prime of his sexuality recurred.

“You're thick,” the man remarked in a low tone. “I can't wait to feel that.”

“It's been a while for me, I'm not going to lie.”

“You can do whatever you want to me, if it's going to keep on how it's been so far.”

“Should I quit talking about that? I don't want to give you the impression that I'm bringing baggage into this.”

“You know what? I'm bringing bullshit into it too. I was stood up tonight, and I'd hoped to finally get some action. I'm completely in the mood, for some shamelessness.”

Such honesty encouraged Toki; the sweater came over a slim torso and landed on the floor beside, before he studied again the man's piercings. Maybe Anders didn't possess the billion dollar hands of his previous lover, but precision never much mattered to Toki as much as the emotion attached to it. That rapidly changed to desperation. To think, tonight he actually got to sink his dick into someone else again, rather than fantasize about it.

“Jesus,” Anders whispered to himself when Toki pulled his own shirt off. His temporary lover's pupils dilating at sight of his muscles invoked a blush, one Toki was glad Anders didn't see as lips moved over his abdominals. The hand stroking him steadied, necessitating a heavy exhale.

“Slowing down might be good.” Toki didn't want to cum before even getting inside.

With a chuckle, Anders got off his knees and jerked his head toward the bed. “I think we've waited long enough, ja?”

It sucked that lack of time limited their ability to explore something beyond a standard fuck. Toki attempted, after fetching lube from his bag, to inject some sort of variety before they sealed the deed. His mouth moved from back to front between Anders' legs as his jeans came off, tongue prodding at puckered muscle before delving into loose foreskin in search for a familiar slit. With Anders shifted to all fours, Toki ran his hand down his spine before repetition up his frontside found the barbells again. He tried really hard not to think about Skwisgaar tonight, about how he'd never fucked the man when he sported his natural hair colour, and how somehow that mattered.

Before that could dishearten him, Toki cleared his throat. “Did you want me to make sure you're ready, or would you rather?”

“You can, if you want.”

When it came down to it, Toki needed to face the man as they prepared to take the final step together. Blond hair and a thin frame presented a double-edged sword; it initially attracted Toki to Anders, but it also re-injected into mind the very person he tried to forget. At least he'd learned enough about this man to see him as his own entity. Tightness left him dizzy, as well as how it interrupted steady breath below. Anders closed his eyes, relying on his body to naturally make the movements necessary for admission. When the mattress gave a couple rhythmic protests, grey eyes pulled Toki in for a kiss.

Maybe the condom elongated the experience, maybe not; either way, Toki absorbed every noise made during and showed appreciation afterward with lips to a sweaty brow. Aware he couldn't treat Anders like Skwisgaar in the aftermath, he waited for sign of what came next.

“Do you want me to go?”

Toki hummed noncommittally. “It's pretty late, and cold out. . .why don't you sleep here?”

“You don't have to let me, if you don't really want to.”

“I know.” 


	53. Penalty

Toki roused far enough out of slumber when his alarm went, in order to turn it off. Briefly he dipped back beneath the surface, then slowly reemerged with realization that court obligated him to get up. Instead of heading immediately for the shower, he naturally gravitated toward warmth on the other side of the bed. A blond ponytail and thin shoulders unsettled Toki in regards to time; laying next to someone so tall in a hotel room encouraged him to consider the trial—and maybe even everything that happened since dyeing Skwisgaar's hair in Chicago—to be just a horrible nightmare. However, key differences became obvious as Toki wrapped an arm around the other man's middle and rested his chin in the crook of his neck: Anders didn't snore, he smelled different, and his skin didn't shine with oil amassed through the night.

Before Toki could go about waking the other man, a knock at the door did it for him. He sighed while Anders stretched. “Going to get that?”

“Ja.” Toki was ninety-percent certain who came by, and that injected shame for having someone sleep over. Maybe he _should_ have asked Anders to leave. After throwing on enough clothes for decency, he poked his head out the door. “Morning.”

“Morning, yourself. You're not looking as worse for wear as I expected,” Anja replied with a tight smile. “May I come in?”

“Ah. . .would you let me shower, first? We could meet in your room.”

Most likely Toki imagined it, but his mother's pressing lips harboured silent judgement. She agreed though, allowing her son to retreat into a room that smelled of sex and alcohol-suffused sweat. Anders sat up in the bed with his glasses on. “I should go.”

“Sorry. I hoped you wouldn't get rushed out.”

“It's okay. You've got places to be, and I have a lecture later this morning to finish preparing for.”

Want for a second go still lingered. As Toki watched Anders dress, he rocked back and forth on his feet. “This might be a long shot, but could I have your phone number? You know, if you'd want to hook up again.”

The other man smiled as he pulled his ponytail through the neck of his sweater. “Like I said, I'm leaving for Trondheim on Friday. This week isn't really good for me, but if you're ever in the area again after that. . .”

Toki handed his phone over so that Anders could enter his contact information. “Go ahead and text my number to yours if you want, and feel free to call or text if you're ever around Lillehammer.”

“Sure.” Anders' phone buzzed over by the television. “Thanks again for turning my night around. It was nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

Despite how well it went, Toki still retained some anxiety. He'd checked the condom closely last night after removing it, to make sure it hadn't broken. What would he do, if it did? That concern would always exist, from now on.

When he considered all the unsafe sex he shared with Skwisgaar during their road trip, this virus cast its own shadow over every good memory Toki possessed. How could they be so irresponsible? Toki _knew_ about Skwisgaar's general apathy to use birth control and protection with his partners, and he'd seen all the cum accumulated from the gangbang in Chicago. How could Skwisgaar be so _careless?_ _No one_ just walked into a house full of strangers and put themselves at risk like that. Did he consider himself invincible, against something permanent? Their team of doctors wouldn't drum up cures for his various illnesses forever, just like Charles wouldn't always save them from legal troubles.

Then again, Toki had the chance to tell Skwisgaar no. He could have at the very least pocketed some of the condoms from the party. Just like anything though, that was much easier said in hindsight. Toki couldn't entirely blame Skwisgaar because the thought of protection _had_ briefly crossed his mind. However, like he stated Monday morning in court, he wanted to feel everything with the man. If he received the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to fuck Skwisgaar Skwigelf, he wasn't going to dampen it with rubber.

Although Skwisgaar carried the disease, ultimately Toki was responsible for his own sexual health. Coming again to that conclusion drained his anger in favour of forgiveness. It was what it was, and no amount of resentment would ever change his situation. With everything else he still held against Skwisgaar, letting go of one thing didn't make much of a difference in their shattered relationship. In the fleeting moment before that all reassumed hold, Toki grew eager to see his former lover in the courtroom. As his shower came to a close, he viewed his summons again as a tenuous chore.

“Hey, Mor.” Immediately, Toki caught her stiff demeanour when let into her room. “What's wrong?”

“Oh. . .” Her attempt at casualness merely came off as critical. “Have you read the paper, this morning?”

“No, why?” Toki hadn't even looked at his phone, except to store Anders' number and return a text from Pickles inquiring how his night went.

“Charles wants to speak with you about it.”

“Why can't _you_ tell me what it says? Is it too much for your sensibilities, or what?”

“It puts me in an awkward position, because I don't like to admit I know what you did.”

“And what did I do?” Rather than travel up a floor to speak to his manager, Toki grabbed the upside-down newspaper from the tabletop. Just as suspected, a picture of him and Anders sitting too close in the bar bore some unimaginative headline and caption about his interest in men. “Who cares? This isn't news to you.”

“He was still in your room this morning, wasn't he?”

“Big deal, Mor. We had sex and he stayed the night.” Her shocked expression would've made Toki laugh if it didn't annoy him so much. “You said only two nights ago that you didn't care I was attracted to men. What's changed?”

“I'm not comfortable with you _hooking up—_ ” she lowered her voice, “—with a complete stranger! Why would you do it?”

“Do I seriously have to explain that to you?” Toki asked. “You're making this all about you, anyway, because _you're_ not comfortable with it. I'm completely fine, this morning. In fact, better than that. Why can't _that_ be what matters?”

“I don't understand why you'd throw a piece of yourself away to someone you don't even know. And look now, haven't you learned the power of consequence yet?”

“You think I give a shit that the public knows I fuck men?”

“Toki!”

Her son rolled his eyes. Apologizing for his language and bluntness would only derail the conversation. “I don't get why you're making such a big deal out of this. You knew before that I did the same thing with women. How's this any different? Is it _how_ two men have sex that's bothering you?”

Anja shook her head, although the wrinkling of her nose undermined denial. “Maybe I can objectively accept that love and attraction happens regardless of what someone's got between their legs, but you haven't given me enough time to accept that for my son, yet.”

“So basically, as long as it's not in your backyard, it's okay. What did you think, when I told you this? That I'd seen how wrong it was or some bullshit, and that _that's_ why I haven't been with anybody? I thought when you said those parts of the Bible were outdated that you agreed acting on homosexual urges—or whatever you want to call them—weren't a big deal.”

“I just didn't expect for it to be right in my face, this morning. It's in the paper, and then he's— _there_ —in your room.”

“That's reality, Mor. I'm sorry that it caught you off guard, but you shouldn't have knocked on my door if you didn't want to be confronted with it.”

“Forgive my naiveness, for believing your flirtatious behaviour only went so far.”

“You could've called, instead.”

“I wasn't thinking straight.”

“And whose fault is that? I'm not going to modify every pinch of my behaviour out of fear that it'll somehow offend you. If you want us to be close, if you want me around you, then you've got to meet me halfway. Ja, I'm sorry that you've seen what you did today. I'm just as embarrassed as you are mortified, to be having this conversation. But you need to accept that I like who I like, I love what I love, and while I'll be more discrete in the future, I am still your child. I deserve not to feel judged by my mother, even if this isn't what she wanted for me.”

Anja's gaze fell away from Toki. As he stood beside the bathroom, questioning if his authoritarian tone placed her in the mindset his father once demanded of her, she pat the table near the second chair. “Come sit.”

“Are you going to make me feel worse than I already do?”

“I should hope not. I want to explain this to you, from a parent's perspective.”

“I already know what you're going to say.”

“Can I speak for myself, please?”

With a heavy sigh, her son dropped into the seat. Crossed arms mirrored his displeasure for how deplorably the day started. He hadn't even _reached_ the courthouse yet, and he was exhausted. “Go on, then.”

“You have to understand, I want to be supportive in whatever you do, so long as it isn't somehow detrimental to your health and well-being. I'm not sure how to react, when this is all right in my face.”

“I'm famous, you should be used to it.”

“Do I need to remind you how long I've had television and internet for? This is all new to me. I've had to let go of nearly every expectation I ever had of the person I wanted my son to be. You've given me yet another one, this week. You can't just confront me like this and expect that I'll be okay. Ja, logically I'm fine with it. Emotionally? Not yet. I need time.”

“Take it, then. I'm going to have breakfast downstairs.”

“Toki—wait.” Anja followed him to the door. “I'm sorry.”

“No, no, it's like you said. You need time. I need time, too. So maybe it's best that we not pretend everything's okay. I'll see you later this morning. . .maybe.”

Toki kicked restlessly at the elevator floor, on his way to the lobby restaurant. However angry he felt, it presented a thin mask for the hurt hidden behind it. Objectively, he could see where his mother came from. She became a parent in a different time, beneath a different creed, and her conservative expectations went thwarted at every turn by her only child. He left her fold, in search for a better life. He played music that she disagreed with on an ideological level. He drank, did drugs, and casually fucked whoever happened to strike his fancy. His health was in the shitter, for being so young.

As much as Toki prided himself on his independence and subsequent success, it still hurt to have disappointed his mother so harshly. He couldn't shake the feeling of being judged, therefore guilt surrounding last night seeped like ink over his internal organs. What was he thinking, bringing someone back to the same hotel his mother slept in? Not that it was her house, or anything. . .which made him mad all over again. He deserved some fun, and he and Anders hurt nobody by hooking up. Toki had no regrets. In fact, he wished that his mother hadn't shortened their time together, so that he could have ground the man one more time into the mattress.

His phone rang while he stared at Anders' name. With a sigh and drop of the stomach, Toki answered to the stern picture of his manager that popped up. “Hellos?”

“Morning, Toki. Where are you?”

“The elevator. I'ms going to get breakfast.”

“Oh. I've been knocking at your door. Would it be all right if I met you down there?”

“I guess so. Ifs you got anything to says about me bringings that guy back last night, don'ts bother. My mother already saids enough.”

“Ah, I just wanted to let you know the newspapers reported on it, and that it's being covered now on international scale.” Charles paused. “No lecture, I promise.”

Self-deprecation made Toki smile, despite his bad mood. “Okays.”

The man appeared shortly after Toki was seated and handed a menu. Already, Charles donned his winter jacket and a scarf. In wake of the blizzard, a draft originated seemingly from nowhere. Toki wished he'd thought so far ahead. “You look more rested than I predicted.”

Toki shrugged. “I was asleeps before midnight.”

“You said your mother found you? Ah, please,” Charles said when offered coffee by the waiter. “Was she upset?”

Toki scoffed. “Is one ways to put it. I gets where she comings from, but I's my own person. Toki does what he wants to.”

“Perhaps that's easy for her to forget, since what you've wanted to do since going home are all in accordance with her wishes.”

Toki hadn't thought of it like that; he slowed in stirring cream into his own coffee. Yes, for the past six months, he'd behaved like her literal poster child. “Oh.”

“It's always a delicate situation anyway, when the child becomes something the parents didn't expect. Most parents, when they learn their son or daughter isn't strictly heterosexual, mourn the loss of potential grandchildren. They fear what sort of tribulations you'll face societally. . .not that it's as shamed nowadays, as compared to even five years ago.”

“I guess nots. . .how you knows all thats, anyway? You don'ts got kids, do you?” Surely, Toki would have seen them running around Mordhaus.

Charles shook his head. “My older sister was gay.”

“You nevers mentioned you had siblings!”

“She's, ah. . .dead, or rather.” The man cleared his throat awkwardly, as Toki's spoon clattered against his mug. “Totally unrelated to that, but. . .hm. The breakfast special looks good, doesn't it?”

How did Toki even react, to such a bombshell being brushed aside so swiftly? If Charles didn't wish to speak about it though, then what choice did Toki have but to go along? He picked up his menu again and flipped to where Charles looked. “Ja, I guess it does.” 


	54. Rock

Lack of appetite touched Toki's stomach. While he dwelled on his mother's confrontation, Charles watched him push his food around. “We should leave in about fifteen minutes.”

“Okays.”

“I know you're already aware of last night's results, but I wanted to prepare you for the media attention it's going to incur. The other boys are being bombarded with questions about your sexuality and what that means for life in Mordhaus, at every bar they visit. I doubt it'll be any different for you, outside the courthouse.”

“I cans handle it.” This scandal hit far lower in importance, compared to what brought Toki to Stockholm in the first place. However, he wished it could've happened at a different time. Dealing with both at once injected that much more stress into his system.

“And ah, I've done my best for any potential damage control. Your hook-up—” Charles referred to some of the stacks before him, “—Anders Niequist, signed all the appropriate paperwork for confidentiality.”

“You didn'ts harass him, dids you?”

“He was approached and handled the same way any other would be.”

“Dids you threaten him, if he saids anything?”

“He received a carbon copy of each form, so he's aware of the consequences.”

With a cringe, Toki's fingers twitched toward his phone. Should he apologize, or did Anders already experience enough hassling from Dethklok Incorporated for one day? Whatever the klokateer said that filed this with Charles, it probably deterred Anders from ever contacting him again. Who in their right mind would go through so much work again, for a lay?

“Are you upset with your mother?”

Toki sighed. “Just sucks. We's been getting along so wells, and then all of a suddens is like I's not goods enough, again. I hates this feeling.”

“I've never gotten the impression from her that something so paltry would cause a lasting problem. If she can get past you running away at fifteen, getting strung out on heroin intermittently, or contracting HIV, then she'll grow accustomed to you sleeping with a man.”

“I's not sure that's the whole issue. She didn'ts care a couple nights ago when I tolds her I gots HIV from Skwisgaar.”

“Does she know how it's contracted, though?”

“I think so. . .we was talkings about how I mights not be ables to have kids, because of it.” Toki shrugged. “But I tolds her I was attracteds to guys, so she can'ts be _totally_ naive, rights? Do people really assumes that everyone else isn'ts having sex untils is under their nose?”

“Generally speaking, parents don't like to think about their children having sex. And vice versa, no?”

Once, in the middle of the night during his youth, Toki earned an eyeful more than expected when investigating noises in his parents' bedroom. At least Anja in turn only saw a couple hints of what went on behind closed doors. However, remembering how harshly he bawled to see something so strange alleviated Toki's current grudge. Maybe he shouldn't have been so hard on her, nor been so quick to take offence.

“You should finish eating.” Charles checked his watch. “It's nearly time.”

Toki considered calling his mother from the limousine, but ultimately decided to give her the time and space she needed. By the lunchtime recess, they'd both be less stuck in emotion. However, it would've been nice to leave things on a good note, considering all what Toki had left to tell the judges and prosecution.

With the barrage of fresh inquiry outside the courthouse expected, Toki easily breezed into the building. Obviously, if he touched and ogled a man the way the papers caught him, he bore interest. Whoever needed verbal confirmation was a fucking idiot, Toki decided. What he forgot to expect, after being returned to the stand, was contending with Skwisgaar's reaction. Prisoners were granted newspapers, right? What did Skwisgaar expect? Did he really think Toki would wait for him, after everything they'd been through? Righteous as Toki felt, the guilt still piled on. He probably owed Skwisgaar an explanation, even if, should they still be technically together, they'd agreed that sex outside one another was perfectly fine.

Skwisgaar refused to look at him, preferring to stare at an indiscernible spot on the defence table. Charles tore Toki's gaze away by resuming position behind his podium. “We left off yesterday with you and Skwisgaar reconciling.”

“I hads to tell him what happened to me, and it gots me thinking.” Toki pressed his lips together briefly. “Skwisgaar's weird about sex, ins the way that it's both important and _not_ important. I couldn'ts have it with him after what happened to me, nots physically or because of what wents on in my head, and I got really scareds that I might lose him because of it. Ifs I didn't like him beyond that, I coulds has cuts my losses. But I loved him, and I wanteds him to stays with me. No matters what it took. So I suggested thats we revisits the idea of an open relatesingip.”

“How did that go?”

“I was nervous, when we starteds talking about it. We laids down some ground rules, though. One, that he woulds tell me whenever he slepts with someone else. I coulds ask, if I wanteds to know more about it. Two, that he had to showers before seeings me. If I founds him first after he slepts with someone and he didn'ts have the chance though, that wasn't somethings I could holds against him. The last one was thats he had to wears a condom. Me and hims were already not using protection, and I didn'ts want that to change when I was finallies able to sleeps with him again. I didn'ts want to deal with him havings anymore kids, either.”

“How long did it take, for him to act on this?”

“Longers than I expected, actuallies. . .”

Back in Monterrey, Toki felt satisfied with the agreements he and Skwisgaar reached. However, as soon as Skwisgaar exited his bed and carried on his way elsewhere, obsessive thoughts churned Toki's stomach. What if he'd made a terrible mistake? What if his injuries _did_ make him see unclearly? Should he have taken the hint, when Skwisgaar seemed confused at its suggestion? What if, by encouraging this, Toki didn't instigate an open relationship but merely gave Skwisgaar permission to cheat?

 _It's only cheating if you feel cheated on_ , Toki reminded himself. Was it normal, to freak out this much? Later that night, when Skwisgaar brought two plates of dinner up from the kitchen, Toki studied him. He didn't appear to have showered. Toki braced himself anyway, for some offhand mention of Rosa, or the woman that used to bring his meals. Skwisgaar behaved completely normally, though.

Apparently, that didn't go both ways. After Toki adjusted for a better position of comfort (now that he could finally sit up in bed), Skwisgaar brought the topic back. “Everyt'ing okay?”

“I feels a little crazy,” Toki admitted with an averted gaze. “I can't stops thinking about you fucking someone else.”

“I hasn'ts, yet.”

“Is irrelevants.”

“Dis doesn'ts have to happen, if you ams going to change your mind.” Skwisgaar rolled his vegetables in a tortilla shell. “Amn'ts too late, ams what I mean.”

“There's so many emotions about it, and I's not sure if I cans reconcile thats to logic quite yet. I'm sorries.”

“Don'ts be. Ams better dat you say somet'ing.”

“That isn'ts to say I's taking this all back, though,” Toki clarified. “I just. . .I don'ts know. Cans we talk more about it? Is thats okay?”

“Whatevers you need. Dat ams de t'ing about ans open relatesingip: we ams going to haves to do a lots of talkings, to make it work.”

The contrast to how they behaved when first becoming involved stunted Toki; only a month ago, they conversed solely through passive-aggression or hair pulling. Their behaviour degraded between Chicago and Las Vegas and then somehow—perhaps through the power of pressure—they'd reached this point. Toki smiled gratefully for it, as Skwisgaar joined him on the bed. Hopefully their growth wasn't an illusion; otherwise, what else could calm him down so effectively? “You knows I love you, right?”

“Mhm.” Skwisgaar sat cross-legged on top of the covers, with his plate in his lap. When Toki rested a hand on the man's knee, Skwisgaar gently squeezed it.

“And you knows has been that way for a longs time, evens if it on and off, dependings on ifs you were treatings me all right?” Toki earned a nod. “This has beens fifteen years in the makings. It don'ts matter to me that most of whats has happened for this to be possible was onlies in the last month. I don'ts want to lose you.”

“Maybes dere won't evers come a day dat you sleeps wit' someone else, so maybes your brain work differently dan mine. You ams completely different dan anyone else, to me. You ams. . .you know.”

Toki smiled as Skwisgaar struggled with the emotions that changed the hold of his hand to a grasp. “Tells me.”

“I guess dere am no metal ways to say it. You ams my rock. When I thoughts you gots taken to Mexico. . .” Skwisgaar's voice wobbled. “I wanteds to tear my skin offs and pulls out my hair, in worries. So, um. . .you ams different, ams what I was gettings to. I can'ts have dis, wit' ot'er peoples. And afters everyt'ing we beens through on dis trip, I can'ts imagine nots having dis at _all_.”

“Ja,” Toki agreed. It'd been worse for him, having to deal with his injuries all on his own. “Evens though that make me feels a bit better, I's still nervous. I don'ts think this is alls about you.”

“Whats you mean?”

“Jealousy's an internal thing, nots external, ja? Is like how a guy gets jealous abouts his girlfriend gettings hit on by other guys, evens though she doesn'ts take the advances because she onlies want _him_. So I's trying to figures out what it is abouts me that makes this so hard to handle.”

“Self-esteems am usuallies de culprit. _Does_ you t'ink you don'ts have anyt'ing to offers me, if you amn'ts fucking me?”

“Honestlies, I don'ts have much of _anything_ to offers you, rights now. I's a mess, and I's been relying on you for everything.”

“Dis ams different, though. I don'ts mind takings care of you when you ams hort or sick. Dat ams what people do for who dey cares about, amn'ts it?”

“Well, ja, but. . .”

“I won'ts let you argue,” Skwisgaar stated. “If you wants to t'ink about it as us needings to maintain a balance of gives and take, considers dat I probablies owe you. Ams like you said. I'ves. . .been selfish.”

“Onlies for the last thirty-five years.”

“ _Pff_.” Skwisgaar shoved Toki's shoulder amiably. “Shore, somet'ings like dat. But dat make sense den, if you don'ts t'ink dat you ams good enough to keeps my attention when you amn'ts doing somet'ing to activelies earn it. Dat am self-esteems.”

“I'm sorries.” Toki forced a smile. “I don'ts mean for something so stupids to hangs us up.”

“Ams understandables, though. I can'ts t'ink of one porson dat we both knows, who hasn'ts disappointeds you. Me especiallies, and whens de stakes am dat much higher.” Skwisgaar sighed. “Dat ams going to change. I cares too much about you to puts you through anymores bullshit. You need someones dat you cans rely on. Maybes has onlies been a littles while since I fuckeds up so badlies, but I hopes dese last few day haves been indication of how hards I'ms willings to work, to proves myself. I know I can'ts fix your self-esteems just by lovings you, but I hopes it can help.”

“It feels good, to be takens care of. I just worries that is too much of a burden.”

“Ifs it was, don'ts you t'ink I woulds be complaining?”

Toki snorted. “You nevers _could_ help yourself. . .”

“So anyways, comings back to hows dat work, wit' an open relatesingip.” Skwisgaar squeezed Toki's hand again. “You mights t'ink dat if I amn'ts a hundreds-perskent yours, den I amn'ts yours at all. But dere might comes a day when you gets de opportunity to sleeps wit' someone else, and you'll realize how smalls of a deal it ams ins my position. Ifs you put your dick in anothers porson, woulds you loves me less?”

After considering it, Toki slowly shook his head. “It doesn't really affect this, excepts is one fucks I didn'ts have with you.”

“Sames as a jack-off ins de bathroom.”

“You's still touching someone else likes you touch me.”

“Shore,” Skwisgaar conceded.

“So how does that not makes what we do less special?”

“Touch don'ts equate to love. Ifs I do dis wit' someone else—” Skwisgaar ran his fingers lightly up the side of Toki's arm, “—where in dat say it mean anyt'ing beyonds what me and dis porson coulds offer each other for an hours or so? When I does it wit' _you_ , de meaning change.

“Touching someone amn'ts what make me fall in love. Ams way more dan dat. Looks at how much foundation you ands me am building our relatesingip on. Who else has beens around dis long, dat I'ves been so close to? Do you t'ink anyone else gots a _chance_ , to catch up to dat? More importantlies, would you feels as if I careds about you at all, if alls we did _was_ fuck?”

Toki shook his head. He'd experienced those doubts early-on, when that was the situation's extent. “I guess. . .what it come back to is thats I won't really know what going to happen untils it happen. I can says 'What if?' all I wants, but ultimately experience is the only things I can rely on. Ifs you sleep with someone else and I don'ts get dumped or forgottens, then I would be mores comfortable.”

“Does you feel better, since we talked about it?”

“Stills a little nervous, but I thinks is to be expected.”

“It ams. I'll tells you dat _I_ ams a little norvous, for ifs or when you decide you wants to hook up wit' someone else. You mores dan me ties emotions to sex. . .so sleepings wit' someone else wills be a totalies different experience for you.”

In the Stockholm courtroom, a repeated tapping distracted Toki. Trailing off, his gaze drifted back to the defence table, where Skwisgaar's heel bounced against the floor. He slouched far enough in his chair for his tailbone to teeter on the edge, and only the profile of his face was visible past lanky hair. A hand shot up to wipe at his cheek.

“Toki.” Charles demanded his attention with stern address.

“Um. . .” Staring down at his hands and pretending to ignore the small sniffle that echoed in the silent room, Toki gathered his wits. “I felts better, after that. When it happened, a few days later, I was mentallies prepared to hear the news.” 


	55. Scars

“Only one more left, dear.”

Toki's closed eyelids twitched as a snip freed pulling skin. The past nine days had been a journey back toward some semblance of normalcy. Going to the bathroom no longer hurt, he could sit without doing so gingerly, and most of his bruises tinged yellow. Over the last couple days, he'd fought off a feverish flu, but Skwisgaar seemed to have taken it away for the most part. “How's it looks?”

“Healed. You'll scar, though.”

Thanks to all the support he'd received from Skwisgaar, the entire scenario didn't bother Toki as much as when it first happened. However, he hadn't considered that he'd be left forever with the mark of something he couldn't remember. “Oh.”

“Did you need anything, before I go?”

“No thanks you.”

When the woman closed the door behind her, Toki eased his way off the pile of pillows used to correctly angle him. The urge to inspect failed to reach his fingers; besides not wanting to find out how that part of his body changed, he didn't feel like he had the right to. Even before this happened, Toki wasn't exactly comfortable with his backside. How unfair, that as soon as he made headway against that, something like _this_ had to occur.

Toki meant today to finally escape the confines of his bedroom. Exploring lost all of its appeal, though; instead, he ran himself a bath and sunk to his chin. It took every fibre of his being to retain the emotion that threatened to spill down his cheeks. He refused to cry about this anymore. Weight already compressed his chest, so why should he give the men that did this any sort of external validation for his suffering? It didn't make sense, given their deaths, but Toki needed to regain control of himself.

A knock came at the bathroom door. “Ams you in dere?”

“Come ons in.” Toki immediately regretted it. As the other man's gaze habitually travelled over visible skin, a crawl followed it. In order to further hide himself, Toki turned onto his side and leaned over the edge.

Skwisgaar chose to lower the toilet lid, rather than plop down on the mat. Wet hair darkened the shoulders of his shirt and colour had returned to his face. “How ams you doing?”

“Meh. Just gots my stitches out.”

“Dat ams good.”

Toki shrugged, eyes downcast.

“You don'ts t'ink so?”

“Is good that I's healed up, but apparentlies I's gonna scar.” Toki's shoulders drooped. “I shoulds has known. I didn'ts even thinks about it, though. I kind of wants to feel or tries to check it out, to see how bads it is, but I's too scared.”

“I. . .remembers being curious.”

“Dids _you_ look?”

“No. I was onlies six. I didn'ts want anyt'ing to does wit' dat part of my body for a longs, longs time.”

The corners of Toki's mouth pulled downward. Seriously, how did Skwisgaar survive this, when so young and alone? How did anything ever make sense, afterward? How could the man trust _anyone_ enough for sex? At least the fact that he did offered some hope to Toki, that his future wouldn't exist in abstinence. “God.”

Skwisgaar's smile more resembled a grimace. “I amn'ts going to lie. . .gettings healed up ams only de beginning. Dis amn'ts easy. But ams possible.”

“I can'ts really feel that, right now. Is so gross, inside me.”

“Ams like dey takes you away from yourself. Like dere ams part of you dat don'ts belong, anymore. You amn'ts whole.”

Toki nodded, perceiving that right to what remained of his core. “How does you stops feeling like this? Does you _ever?_ ”

“In ways.” Skwisgaar's hand wavered in a so-so motion. “I t'ink it depend on hows you and de peoples around you deal wit' it. I can says in hindsight dat I wouldn'ts has been so fucked up if somebodies believed me. My word of advice am nots to t'ink dat truckloads of sex am goings to fix anyt'ing. Ams important to reclaims dat part of your life and to learn de difference between abuse and intimacies, but dere amn't x-amounts of people you cans put you-know-whats into for it to goes away.”

“I guess is kind of like what I saids to you, backs up in Washington. You can'ts really beat it if you don'ts face it.” Empathy for how Skwisgaar felt that day made Toki hate himself for assuming it could ever be so easy. “This shouldn'ts be any different than dealings with what my father did. In both situations, I don'ts really know what I dids to deserve such treatment. I's going to carries a mark for it, fors the rest of my life. And yets. . .is _so_ different. Maybes because they puts themselves insides me, where my father only hitteds me? Maybes because some stupids part of me still believe that—you know, likes virginity and stuff matter.”

“Dat was your forst experience wit' dat kind of t'ing. Of course it matter.”

“Well, I wish it didn'ts. Eithers that, or I wants it back.”

“You nevers get a chance to does it over, but dat don'ts mean it am unspossibles to haves positive experience, in de future. Ja, dere am times you t'inks about it, or it make it hard to do t'ing like sex or feel goods about yourself, but amn'ts always dere. When dat _do_ happen, you recognize dat it amn'ts your fault, and eventuallies de emotions follow de logic. Dere ams not'ings you coulds have ever dones, dat justify beings hort like dat.”

“You didn'ts talk like that, in Washington.”

“Dere am times dat you falls into bad thoughts. Especiallies if you ams like me and didn'ts properly deal wit' it.” Skwisgaar leaned forward on his knees. “Ams. . .easier to sees how true dat ams too, when someone else ams going through it. How coulds it be my fault, when I couldn'ts protect myself? Just likes how dem guys didn'ts have to takes advankage of your situation, de guys what cames around me coulds has just fuckeds my mom and left. But dey chose nots to.”

“It wouldn't seem so bads, if I didn'ts have to scars up from it. Is like no matters how wells I do about it, ifs I forget it or whatever, that's always goings to be there to reminds me.”

“It wills be just likes de ones on your back. How dids you put it? De scar am dere and dey pulls a bit, but you learns how to moves wit' dem. Dey ams just dere, and not'ings more.”

“What if someone notice, though? Ands they ask?”

“If someone ask about dat sort of t'ing when you ams in de middle of sex, den you needs to get de hells away from dem. Ifs dey am dat unsensitives, den just t'ink about how bads it would be when you ams fucking dem. As for noticings. . .maybe ams different for other people, but I barelies notice de ones on your back no mores. Besides, dids you notice mine?”

“Yours?”

“I have some scarrings dere, from—ja.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “Buts you didn't notice, dids you?”

Toki shook his head.

“I was scareds for a long time dat it was obvious. Dat by lookings at dat, people woulds be able to see what happeneds, and den by extent dat ams how dey would treats me. But dere ams one valuable t'ing I learned from havings a ton of sex in my life: dere ams people out dere dat woulds hort you, ja, but dere ams also people who comes into your beds because dey wants to experience somet'ing good wit' you. Dey wants _you_ to feels good. Dey don'ts care where you cames from or what happened, dey just wants dis one moment. And t'inks about de people _you's_ fucked, in your life. How manies do you t'ink went through somet'ing like dis? Coulds you evers pick dem out from de crowd ifs you had to?”

“Probablies not.” Even Skwisgaar flew beneath Toki's radar. “It isn't somethings I assumed about everyone. Or even really thoughts about.”

“Because you ams more concorned about who am standings in front of you, rather dan deir past, ja?”

“Mhm.”

“Den keeps dat in porspective. If you ams doing dat, den ot'er people ams doing it too, when dey looks at _you_.”

“How's I not going to does that now, though? I's been wondering about everyone I knows, lately. Who else has this happeneds to?”

“Ams normal, when you goes through dis. You don'ts want to be alones, and now dis am somet'ing dat ams real, rat'er dan being a t'ing you only sometimes hear about.”

Toki had no idea what he dealt with, when Skwisgaar first confided his experiences in Kennewick. It _was_ incredibly easy, as an outsider, to see how sexual assault shouldn't contort one's self-image. However, how could someone who'd never undergone such violation or shame possibly understand? They could maintain the notion of personal limits equating to a fortress wall, they never had to worry about informing their lovers, and there was nothing for curious someones to probe at. “Skwis?”

“Ja?”

“I needs to give as heartfelts of an apology as I cans, for whats I did up in Washington. I can says now with absolute certainties that I woulds _never_ want someone to keeps prying informations out of me. I can'ts believe that I mades you feel this all overs again. And for whats? What did I gains from it? I alreadies knew at that point that it happened. Why dids I have to know more?”

“It wasn'ts one of your most considerate moments.”

“And I'm so sorries. I don'ts get how you don'ts hate me, for doings that.”

“You hads good intentions. Evens if I didn'ts like what you dids, I can'ts hate you for not understandings what you were doings. You hads a point, anyway,” Skwisgaar conceded. “It wasn'ts doing me any goods, to not talks about it. I wish dat I hads de chance to talks about it on my own terms, but den again. . .I probablies would have kepts quiet. Untils now, anyway. I gots no problems talkings about it when ams helpful, or when I ams talking wit' someone dat beens through de same t'ing.”

“I'll nevers ask you anything again, withouts your permission.”

“T'anks you. For t'ing like dis though, I don'ts mind. You ams going to haves a lot of quetskins about what will happens, and I wants to helps you through it as best I cans. Feels free to ask what sex ams going to be like, when you tries to get back into the sacks. I don'ts even mind if you want to see what de scars will look like.”

“You don'ts?”

“You ams going to notice dem now anyway, de next time you ams down dere.”

Unfortunately, yes. Personal interest would definitely contract Toki's attention.

Skwisgaar stood. “I lets you get out in privacies.”

Nervous, Toki pulled the plug. Did he really want to see what he might expect for himself? At least then his imagination couldn't worsen the reality.

He expected Skwisgaar to be naked, but the man merely sat at the end of the bed when Toki emerged. “You aren'ts just doing this for me, are you?”

“What would _I_ gets out of it?” Skwisgaar asked. “It amn'ts dat big a deals, to me. I amn'ts ashamed about it, in dis situgation.”

“You don'ts have to show me if you don'ts want to, though.”

“I knows.” Skwisgaar pulled his shirt off. “Just keeps in mind dat yours probably won'ts be as bad as mine. I was a lot smallers when it happen, and I didn'ts get stitches or anyt'ing. It healeds as it was.”

As he watched Skwisgaar undress, Toki observed the man in different context. Everyone, at the end of the day, was just a collection of bone and muscle. They had smooth skin, warm blood, and—yes—orifices fit for pleasure if someone else wished to bury themselves there. However, as Skwisgaar crawled onto the bed free of clothing and Toki's fingertips reacquainted with Skwisgaar's back, a person thrummed beneath the surface. Someone with hopes, dreams, and the capacity for love shared his vicinity. Was that the line, that rapists crossed? Or was it mere apathy toward a potentially shattered soul? Want for it, perhaps?

Skwisgaar spread his legs further, as Toki passed his tailbone. “Pulls whatever you gots to, to gets dere.”

Lack of usual reaction accompanied handfuls of fleshy ass. More curious, Toki eased the man into better light. Skwisgaar bending down on his elbows helped the angle. As expected, a drop of the stomach resulted from observation. Toki would have definitely noticed by now if Skwisgaar was in any way mangled; the fact that his hole bore less pucker than a virgin pertained more to all the sex he'd had in the past month, rather than something that happened three decades ago. However, as Toki pulled his cheeks further apart, he noticed a white line about an inch long running along his perineum and for a short distance up toward his spine. If he tugged the skin the wrong way, it protested just like one of the scars on Toki's back might. Skwisgaar fidgeting made him relent.

“It isn'ts that bad.”

“I didn'ts t'ink so, when I forst looked.” Skwisgaar reached for his pants when Toki let him flip back over. “I expecteds to nots even recognize it.”

“How olds were you, when you finally did?”

“Fifteen.”

Toki laid back on the bed, wondering when _he'd_ work up the courage. “Feels better to knows it at least won'ts look that different. And maybes is kind of a good thing that I don'ts know what sex felts like before that happened. Now I gots nothing to compares it to. It. . .is what it is, when I's finally ready to tries it.”

“Cans I take for granted dat it wills be me you wants to take dat step wit'?”

Toki nodded, arm going around Skwisgaar's shoulders when he laid down beside. “I can'ts imagine doings anything with someone else, rights now.”

“We'll goes really easy,” Skwisgaar assured him. “And only whens you am ready. I'll tells you, before you gets any sort of expectations about it, it amn'ts going to feels good for de forst few times. Nots just anal, _anyt'ing_. Evens if you cum, don'ts feel bad if it amn'ts what it used to be, to starts. I won'ts take offence, either. Ams just part of gettings dat back.”

“Okay.” Toki accepted it with a hard swallow. “I'll face that when the time comes.”

“Likes I said, don'ts rush yourself. Nots for you and nots for me. Onlies go as fast as you ams comfortable.”

Skwisgaar's damp hair reminded Toki that he needn't feel pressure to keep his partner satisfied. Gratitude led him to nuzzle the cool strands. “Whats about you, then? You must at least haves your eye on someones.”

“Shore.” The man shrugged. “I didn'ts have de chance to says anyt'ing rights away, since we hads more important t'ing to talks about forst, but I gots laid dis afternoon.”

The abruptness shocked Toki into stiffness, but. . .all the upset and jealousy he thought he'd experience didn't follow. He curled up with and inhaled the scent of someone who, no matter what he'd done in the intervals of their company, was still very much so his.

A kiss and gentle squeeze followed. “Okay.” 


	56. Agoraphobia

“Ams you shore you don'ts want to?”

Skwisgaar leaned against the doorframe; on the bed, Toki wrinkled his nose. “I still nots ready to sees anyone. I don'ts know any of these people.”

“Woulds you at least comes out of your room? Why don'ts we eat in mine? I luckeds out and gots a balcony. Ams in de shade, dis time of day.”

Fair compromise piqued Toki's interest. “Ifs you gots a balcony, then how comes we been stayings in here?”

“Ams where you were comfortable, ja?” Bouncing off the dark wood, Skwisgaar took a seat beside where Toki lay on his stomach. “You can't stays in here forever. Ams underskandable dats you don'ts want to go outs into town or sees any of de other people what lives and work here yet, but please does dis one t'ing for me.”

Flipping his magazine shut, Toki silently agreed. This room becoming his sanctuary turned the rest of the world dark. Whenever Skwisgaar left, Toki imagined that he disappeared into an unfathomable abyss. At least awareness that they didn't travel too far staved off anxiety. Agoraphobia at this point was not an option; if Toki wanted himself and Skwisgaar to escape, he couldn't let something like that thwart them. Not only would it keep him from mapping out weak spots on the compound, he'd never be able to travel the hundred and fifty miles north to Texas' border.

Skwisgaar somehow managed, in their short time there, to make his bedroom feel the same as his Mordhaus variety. How that happened without any sort of decoration or furniture adjustment stunted Toki. Perhaps the orderliness and pristinely made bed were what did it.

Toki smiled through homesickness. “Is your beds more comfy than mines?”

“Abouts de same. You wants to wait, while I goes grab us food?”

Agreement sent Toki into exploration mode. Lack of personal effects diminished any sense of home. Did Francisco not intend for them to make themselves comfortable? Or did he allow them free reign to settle in on their own terms?

Out on the balcony, Toki leaned against the stone balustrade. The temperature sat in the mid-twenties, without a cloud in the sky. On the front side of the manor, rather than overlooking the courtyard as his windows did, he had prime view of Monterrey at the foot of thickly forested hills. Undoubtedly, the view would become magnificent once the sun set. However pleasing though, it did nothing to calm the frothing unrest in Toki's chest. He couldn't love this place, because he couldn't stay.

“Come sits,” Skwisgaar told him when he returned.

At the small table, with carne asada and fine wine before him, Toki merely poked at the various side dishes. A breeze picked up, cooling the sweat that gathered at his temples. Thanks to all the creature comforts, he should be able to accept Francisco's home as his own. It wasn't the man's fault, that Toki suffered at the hands of five ruthless men. In fact, Francisco did everything he could to turn the situation around: he allowed Toki and Skwisgaar free range, offered his personnel for their needs, and somewhere still, Raina remained locked up and ready for whatever bitter and painful end Toki believed she deserved. If Francisco meant for this to become their home life, then why would Toki pass it up? It was exactly what he and Skwisgaar wanted. They'd have stability and wouldn't need to worry about being cornered within American borders.

But could he be trusted? Unlike Raina, Francisco as of yet offered no hint of a second face. Or was he simply smarter than the woman, and kept his business to a room and language his newest guests couldn't permeate? What horrors could he have in store for them? Toki's imagination exhausted beyond the barbarity he already experienced.

“Ams okay to be outside, ja?”

Toki mixed some rice and beans together. “Does you remember what you saids about Vällingby? How whens you were a kids it just looked darks all the time, evens when thing was good or you shoulds has been happy?”

“Mhm.”

“Is all I sees, when I looks at Monterrey.” Toki sighed. “Skwis, we gots to get out of heres.”

“How?”

“I don'ts know. I can'ts imagine that we coulds get any further away from Mordhaus, but I'll only says that until Francisco flies us off to Colombia, or something. Does you realize that has beens a month to the day tomorrow, since we lefts home?”

“I agrees dat we needs to go back. Evens if we coulds be comfy here—maybes happy—we can'ts trust dese people. Dey plays wit' our heads and put us in danger. Evens wit' all de crap we gots to puts up wit' at Mordhaus, we ams better off under Charles' care, ultimatelies.”

“Evens if Raina was rights, that he only neededs us for his own wallet, at least he gots an obligation to cares for us.” Missing the man suddenly, a lump formed in Toki's throat. “But I don'ts believe that's true. Maybes I _wanteds_ to believe it, so thats we could justify disappearings without a trace. But he's worried sick, Skwis. They probablies _all_ are. What ifs they think we're dead? Drowned in the ocean? Feds to wolves, or something?”

“Pickle, Nat'an, and Moidaface ams de only family two sorry assholes likes us coulds ever hope for,” Skwisgaar conceded with a sigh.

“I miss Abigail. God, she must be so worrieds.” Toki's bottom lip trembled. “Afters what we went through together, how could she ever sleeps until we gets home? _I_ gets nervous, if I don'ts hear from her for a while. Evens if I know she just working.”

“So what ams we goings to do?” Skwisgaar asked. “How ams we going to gets back into de country? I'ves been into de city here a couple time, wit' an escort. . .dere amn'ts exactly opportunity to runs for it.”

“We'll figures it out. I just needs to know that we's in agreement.”

A nod confirmed it.

“Untils then. . .” Toki sighed. “I guess we mights as well make ourselves comfortable. I's not going to tries anything rash. I don'ts want anyone to get suspicious of us, or to cracks down on security anymore than they already has. I wants you and me out of here ins one piece.”

“We ams going to make it.” Skwisgaar pat Toki's hand on the tabletop. “Don'ts t'ink like dat. We'll gets out of here, and den we'll nevers have to comes back.”

“I's going to make it so. You haves my word.”

In order for that to happen though, Toki needed to overcome more of the basic fears currently hampering his psyche. He promised himself that, starting tomorrow, he'd begin exploring further away from his bedroom. Skwisgaar's room tonight, the rest of the house tomorrow, and then Monterrey itself the next day, if he could manage without a panic attack. He _had_ to, he reminded himself, for his and Skwisgaar's freedom. Too much hung on his shoulders, for him to become confined by fear. In fact, after surviving everything he had in the past thirty-one and a half years, fear should be his last concern.

“Thanks you for being so goods to me, this last week,” he addressed Skwisgaar again as he cut into his meat. “I wouldn'ts be anywhere close to ready to thinks about this, ifs I didn't have your support.”

“Amn'ts a t'ing you needs to t'anks me for, älskling.”

“Well, I's going to anyways. I nevers really expecteds you to be capables of takings care of someone else. I shoulds probably apolgesize for thats, while I's at it.” Even in the wake of rejecting monogamy as necessary for a healthy, committed relationship, Skwisgaar surprised Toki. In fact, with how attentive Skwisgaar grew, Toki considered their arrangement a blessing in disguise. “So you likes that lady you beens fucking, huh?”

Skwisgaar so far reported three instances of it, since the previous afternoon. “She ams okay.”

“Onlies okay?” Toki lightly teased. “You don'ts have to plays it down for me, you knows.”

“No, she ams onlies okay. Nots very lively. Woulds rather just lays dere and lets me does my t'ing.”

“Who is its? Anyone I's seen around?”

“Ams hard to describe de ladies here, when dey all gots black hair, brown eyes, and reallies nice asses. Um. . .she gots a small buttons nose, sideborns, a moles about de size of a quarter right here on her arm, littles bit of a moustache. . .”

“Oh, maybes I know who you talkings about. I remembers a lady with a mole like what you describes bringing me lunch once.”

“Ja, she works in de kitchen. I t'ink she mostly takes care of de dishes, since her hands am pretties rough,” Skwisgaar breezed, back straight and smile relaxed.

“Does she gots a name?”

“I wants to say Alicia, but it mights be Leticia, or maybes Teresa.”

Toki snorted. “How does you nots remember? You gots a different name for every times you put your dick in her.”

“She don't speaksk English, so I amn'ts even shore if she properlies introduce horself.”

“How dids you evens wind up fuckings her, if you couldn'ts talk?”

“She beens giving me looks since I forst gots here. Was pretties easy, once I starteds giving her looks back.”

Pride birthed a smirk on Toki's face. Sure, women and men alike ogled his boyfriend, but they would never get closer than his erection. Considering the thousands of people Skwisgaar bedded in his lifetime, it sunk a bit deeper for Toki just _what_ an accomplishment establishing a romantic relationship with the man was. “You gots your eye on anyone else?”

“Who ams dat lady what come sees you sometime?”

“Rosa?” Toki grinned. “Ifs you can gets it insides her, I wills gives you my kudos. I don'ts think she's someone what woulds give in so quicklies.”

“I cans consider her a challenge, den. She at least speaksk English, ja?”

“Mights gives you a legs-up.”

Dinner became easier to eat with the distraction. As the sun swung around the side of the house though, Toki resorted to shading his eyes. However nice enjoying a glass of wine post-meal with Skwisgaar was, squinting dampened the experience. “Shoulds we move inside?”

“Wills be nice later, when all you can see ams de city lights.”

“We'll sees.”

Toki continued drinking his wine, when seated on the bed's edge. “So what does you likes about Alicia, or whatevers her name is? You don't sounds like you's totally happies fucking her.”

“She gots a nice rack. Ams very curvy. I thoughts, givens how she try to unsdress me wit' her eyes dat she woulds be more exciting.”

“She reallies just lay there?”

“Pretties much. Don'ts even make much noise. _Pff_ , and dat amn'ts _my_ fault.”

“Nope.” Toki raised his glass to the other man with a chuckle. “I says with full confidence thats you know what you doing.”

“Ja, so whatevers. I just moves on, when I gets de chance.” Skwisgaar paused. “You ams okay wit' all dis?”

“Surprisinglies, is actually kinds of entertaining. Is easy to accept you fucks other people, when you dids right from the moment we mets. Does I ask too manies question?”

“It don'ts bother me to talks about it. I just wants to make shore dat you don'ts ask t'ing because you t'ink I'ms hiding somet'ing.”

“You haven'ts givens me a reason to thinks that.”

“I'ms keeping my ends of it, just so you knows. I beens wearing condoms, and I figureds it best dat I don'ts fuck dem in here in case dis ams where we wounds up sleeping.”

“I didn'ts think that fars ahead, but thanks you.”

Months later, in Stockholm, Toki could say that he owed lack of jealousy to a strange blend of vicariousness and dissociation. He'd wanted to believe in a world where he one day reclaimed his sexuality, and Skwisgaar detailing his lays offered a strong glimmer of hope.

“In hindsights, opening up our relatesingip may have saveds it,” Toki observed. “I can't says with certainty that Skwisgaar woulds has eventually cheateds on me or growns resentful for makings him stay abstinent, but we was both definitelies better off for it to be that way. I thinks I was more surprised than hims, that I wasn'ts falling apart overs it.”

“Did you intend for it to be a temporary solution, while you bounced back, or was it meant to remain permanent?”

Toki hummed. “We didn'ts really have enough time to test it out as a permanent thing, but I thinks if things were still normal today, is how we woulds be. I nevers had the chance, while we were datings, to test it out for myselfs. I was more concentrateds on gettings good enough to sleeps with _one_ person, first.”

In Monterrey, one glass of wine turned into more. Toki sat on the floor against the bed, afraid he'd create more than the red spot currently staining Skwisgaar's comforter. “You saids you might get jealous, though.”

“But shorely dere ams going to comes a day when we ams at a concert, we goes backstage, and _bam_ dere ams a lady you wants to puts it into.”

“Okays, whats your point, again?”

“I ams puttings it out dere again dat dis open relatesingip go both way. T'inks of all de freedom we haves. Can't speaks from experience, but I hears dat most couples break up because of eithers money or infidelities. Ifs we don'ts got either of dem problems, den what am stoppings us, huh?”

“We might seriouslies be in for the long haul.” Toki's eyes widened. “Whats you think about that?”

“Ams pretty cools. I can'ts really imagine it, since I'ves never hads any kind of a long hauls before, but if it ams like dis all de time, den I ams fucking game.”

“It coulds very well be. And just thinks, if this is the most tryings thing we evers go through, everythings else is goings to be a breeze.”

“Let's makes a promise, den.” Skwisgaar scooted closer. “No matters how bad t'ing get, we don'ts give up. Ifs we'ves gottens dis far, den ams too much to just throws away. Whats you t'ink?”

Toki eyed Skwisgaar's proffered pinky finger as he downed the rest of his glass. After a shudder, he snagged the digit with his own. “Deals.”

Circumstance made that agreement impossible to uphold. Guilt once again caused Toki's shoulders to sag, for Skwisgaar _had_ tried, when their relationship hit the mud. Couldn't Toki have at least heard him out? Humoured him?

Charles cleared his throat. “So now that you were healed up, you could concentrate again on attempting escape?”

“Mhm. Kepts me up that night, when we hits the sack. The next day—way sooners than I expected—I hads the chance to starts putting a plan together.” 


	57. Black and White

Snoring woke Toki the next morning. Not yet ready to rise, he shook Skwisgaar's shoulder until readjustment and a roll changed the racket to deep, steady breaths. Falling back asleep proved impossible though, now that Toki's mind whirred into motion. After curling up briefly against Skwisgaar's back, he resigned to turning vertical.

Now was as opportune a time as any to make good on his goal for expansion. Showered and dressed, Toki ran his hand along the banister as he descended into a two-storey tall foyer. Voices and the smell of eggs led him into the kitchen, where someone immediately inquired in Spanish if he was hungry. . .or so Toki assumed, when led to chilaquiles, some bread, and a cup of coffee at the table.

A crowd presented Toki his first challenge toward growing reaccustomed to life outside his bedroom. Sweat originated more from anxiety than heat; while every fibre of his body screamed to retreat, shaky hands brought coffee to his lips. The first sip burned on the way down and acted as firestarter for panic. Giving up on that and fighting now against lack of appetite, bread landed in small chunks on his plate as he picked it apart. Separating himself from chaos led to unfocused eyes and general unawareness that his food slowly disappeared. Immediately after leaving the kitchen, he darted into the nearest bathroom and lost it all.

Okay, so food was out of the question, this early in the game. Toki nursed burning eyes back to health with a cool washcloth and considered giving up. However, he couldn't justify the rationalization that he'd made some sort of progress. Perhaps he'd obtain better headway by attempting distance, instead.

The front door, surprisingly, wasn't locked. While it felt nice to exit as he pleased, Toki didn't doubt that freedom only extended so far. Anxiety probed again as he strolled down the driveway, for what if getting away _could_ be this simple? However, an attended gate up ahead slowed his step. The man stationed inside a small booth eyed him suspiciously; with that, Toki turned back.

Skwisgaar was in neither of their bedrooms, and Toki knew better than to go looking for him. Back in his own space, the urge to move trumped hiding away. Now that he'd tested his limits and returned without consequence, he feared self-inflicted confinement more than anything between these walls and home. Pacing led to further exploration, this time into the backyard. His determination to inspect its perimeters went thwarted by an unexpected sight.

“¡Mira!” María, whom Toki thought he'd only heard the ghost of, skipped in time with her jumprope. Beneath her shoes were the faded stains of blood from last week's massacre. Francisco sat amongst what looked like a new set of lawn furniture; when María double-skipped without catching her ankles, the man commended her in their native language with a fond smile.

“Ah, Toki.” Francisco gestured him over. Further Spanish with María sent her along, singing to herself as she tried to avoid stepping on cracks in the pathway. “Take a seat. Would you like some coffee?”

“No thanks.” Habitually, Toki situated carefully on the mesh. Relaxation took over as no discomfort arose from his core. “I alreadies had some.”

“Feel free to help yourself, if you change your mind.” Francisco didn't appear the businessman, today; his wavy hair was lankier than usual, and in need of a cut judging by how often he scratched where it brushed his neck. He wore a plain green polo with light brown shorts, and sandals instead of shoes resemblant to Charles'. When Toki looked close enough, stray hairs poked out of his nostrils and some hint of a burn marred the skin behind his ear. A breeze lifting his hair showed a circular area where the strands failed to grow. “It's good to see you up and about.”

“I's kind of tired of layings around.”

“Your bruises are healing nicely. I'd say by this time next week, you'll look good as new.”

“Hopefullies.” By then, Toki also wished to be back at Mordhaus. “I thoughts María was goings home?”

“I haven't been able to track her family down, yet. They last lived in Residencial la Fuente, but some of their old neighbours said they took off a couple years ago to try for America. Their trail runs a little dry after the Guatemalan border.”

“She's stayings here in the meantime?”

“Si. . .although I may have difficulty letting her go, if her family is destitute. She became accustomed to wealth while with Raina and I fear she wouldn't adjust to vagrancy.”

“Maybes not, but if she's only meants to be a slaves, then she's probablies better offs with them.”

“That would not be her fate, here. Already, I've had to explain multiple times that she's not expected to help the other ladies with housework. The kitchen has taken to shooing her along, if she tries to pitch in.”

As María rounded the far side of the manor, Toki caught a glimpse of himself in her. He didn't know any better either, that the adults in his youth endangered him. It took the klokateers to show him that chores weren't his concern. Until they literally pulled garbage and dirty dishes out of his hands, he carried on as he always had at his parents' house. The band didn't help; so long as someone cleaned up after them, they didn't care.

“I'm just relieved her family got out of Tegucigalpa. What a shithole. If they remained there, I would rather tell her that her mother, father, and siblings are dead. That city is no place for a child. Especially her age. . .she'd come into custody so quickly again, of human traffickers. Either that, or be destined to feed tourists a sob-story in hopes for as little as five American dollars for day-wage.”

Did Francisco believe Toki and Skwisgaar better off here too, living in luxury so that never again did they need to beseech the public to oil their machine? Toki hankered to ask, but he'd already gone through that debate enough times with Raina. Francisco would feed him some bullshit story about how he intended to fund and host their retirement, but as soon as Toki stated he wanted otherwise, the man would change his tune. He needed to keep Toki and Skwisgaar because releasing them would jeopardize his operation. With such quality of life, Francisco wasn't oblivious to how the value of his estate surged with them in his custody. In fact, if they became mere objects capable of appraisal, then Francisco was currently the wealthiest man on Earth.

“Did you want to go down into the city?”

“Um. . .I's never been to Monterrey, before. I wouldn'ts even know where to go.”

“Santiago mentioned that you'd been exploring, earlier. He saw you at the gate.”

“I wasn'ts sure what an unlocked front door meant. Was weirds, after living with Raina. I wanteds to see how far I was alloweds to go.”

“You'll need an escort, past the gate,” Francisco needlessly informed him. “If you wanted a tour, I would personally accompany you.”

“I's not sure about that.” Toki didn't trust _anyone_ , to take him away from Skwisgaar. He'd chastised the older man too, not to go anywhere without him anymore. If something bad happened, they needed to be together. Also, if the chance came to escape, what good would it be if only one of them could make a break for it?

“Rosa mentioned you'd been experiencing some anxiety.”

“I's trying to gets over it. Maybes woulds be good to gets out of here for a whiles.” Not since the sprint between Vegas and Los Lunas had Toki felt any semblance of freedom. Even sitting in wide-open outdoors alleviated nothing. “Could Skwisgaar comes?”

“Of course. Whenever you two wish to go, I'll be more than happy to ready a car.”

“Thanks you.” More for something to preoccupy his hands with, Toki poured a coffee. “Where's Raina?”

“Las Torres, downtown. I'll take you there later.”

“Ands Raùl?”

“He's there with her.”

“Whats is going to happen to him?”

“I'm not sure, yet. You can do whatever you want to him, or else he'll eventually be disposed of, like Dino.”

“Oh. I kinds of liked him.” It was better sooner than later, that Toki accept leaving this nightmare also meant deserting its positive aspects. Already, Toki foresaw waking in the middle of the night to stare at his model airplanes and wonder where in the world María was. Given Raùl didn't pass before Toki and Skwisgaar left, then was he still alive? Did someone torture him? Did he go through the rigorous exercise of changing allegiance?

“After life in Dethklok, you must be accustomed to the notion that even those who are innately good can still be your enemy. Have you never been betrayed before? Or been placed in a situation where it was possible?”

Magnus' blind eye, imprinted against the insides of Toki's eyelids, darkened the otherwise sunny day even further. “Well, ja. . .but that doesn'ts mean it get any easier.”

“How do you trust _anyone?_ ”

“Honestlies? I don'ts. Ats the end of the day, all me ands the other guys ever hads was each other.” Toki sipped his coffee. “And now all I gots is Skwisgaar.”

“You keep asking about Raùl, though.”

“That doesn'ts mean I trust him. I just wants him to be okays, because I's not sure that he dids anything to deserves the same end as Raina.”

“Neither you or I have any idea what he's done, beyond our sight.”

“But he's never dones nothing to _me_.” Except play bystander when shit hit the fan back in Los Lunas. “Is hards to have someone else's suffering ons my conscience. Is why I woulds never be cuts out for something like whats you do.”

“You say that, until someone double-crosses you. The stakes are so much higher, in the drug trade. It can mean your life, if you're not certain of who's on your side. You have no time or opportunity for shades of grey. The world, out of necessity, becomes black and white.”

“I guess.” So long as Toki could find a reason for someone's shortcomings, hatred lost viability. Even Raina, now that he'd dwelled long enough to begin to understand her, no longer seared his insides at her mere mention. When it came down to it—when they came face to face and she begged for her life—could Toki end it? A resounding _yes!_ echoed from the execrable corner of his mind. A child stubbornly shook its head, elsewhere.

Weighed down, Toki returned to his bedroom when Francisco moved along to tend to a couple business matters. What should he do? The time came closer and closer, to when Toki needed to make a decision. If he shot his chance at revenge, he'd never get a second opportunity. On the other hand, if he _forced_ himself to go through with the various methods of torture he daydreamed about, then it'd haunt him for the rest of his days. How would he live with himself, either way? He deserved someone to hurt as much as _he_ had. But was Raina that person?

Skwisgaar greeted him with a kiss when he snuck in later. Despite his wet hair and the behaviour Toki recognized as normal for post-orgasm, curiosity didn't strike this time about Skwisgaar's lay. It couldn't have been Alicia—or whatever her name was—for the man to seem so satisfied. “You looks deep in thoughts.”

“Probablies.”

“Where dids you go, dis morning?”

“You means after you wokes me up?” The corner of Toki's lips tugged upward. “Seriouslies, for as bigs a nose you gots, how it make so much noise? You woulds think air pass through so easilies.”

“Huh! Fors your information, snoring happens in de throat.”

“Haven'ts you swalloweds enough dicks for it to be stucks open?”

“ _Pff_.” Skwisgaar nudged him. “So what give wit' dis Dooms and Glooms act?”

“I does gots things on my mind.” Toki allowed the conversation to veer back into seriousness. “I did somes explorings, this mornings. We can'ts get out at the gate. We coulds maybe squeeze through, but there's that guy there. We wouldn'ts get very far before gettings pulled back in.”

“Ja.”

“And I rans into Francisco, ins the courtyard. Talkeds with him a bits. Anys chance you wants to goes into the city today?”

“Likes on a date?”

“Coulds be a date, ja.” Toki hadn't considered that. “Although, Francisco offereds to takes me to where he's holdings Raina and Raùl, so wouldn'ts be much of a date, would its?”

“Hm.” Skwisgaar studied him. “What ams we goings dere for? Ams you goings to. . .you knows. . .?”

“I hasn'ts made my mind up abouts that, but the longers I go without doing it, the less I wants to. All I wants is my life back, and I's not really sure how torturing her is goings to make it happen any quicker. But then agains, I's never had it rights in front of me to gets back at someone that hurts me. Every time, eithers they gets the upper hand or else someone else takes care of it. Is this somethings I shoulds evens be concerned about?”

“I don'ts know, älskling. Ams a toughs call to make.”

Unwilling to consider the matter any further, Toki allowed himself to be distracted by Skwisgaar's lips. Not much sounded or looked better, when they formulated the pet name Skwisgaar developed tendency to address him as. A grin preceded him leaning in, then he stuck close for follow-up affection.

Kissing wasn't difficult to regain, but making out had still presented difficulty. Pliability in Skwisgaar allowed for a taste, of which Toki steadily took more of. His body inveterately mirrored the press, even if libido wasn't exactly on his radar these days. He'd probably disappoint, if Skwisgaar hadn't just gotten laid; Toki didn't mean to tease.

Their swollen lips broke for breath. “I's gonna takes you out on dates alls the time, when we gets home. I don'ts care if the other guys calls us a bunch of homos and tease us forevers. I loves you, and I's going to lets you know how much I appreciates you. And sometimes I'll just wants to spend time with you aways from Mordhaus.”

“Nevers like dis, again. I'ms never goings on vacation wit'out klokateers. Swears to Odin.”

“Goes without sayings.” Toki followed up their tongue wrestle with a chaste peck. “I thinks is goings to be really easy, to gets used to beings under surveillance again.”

“Considerings de altornative.”

“Exactlies.” 


	58. The Front Line

Late afternoon, when the manor completely bounced back from its siesta, Toki took up seat beside Skwisgaar in the back of a Mercedes-Benz. Purposefully forgetting the reason behind their trip into Monterrey proper, he squeezed his lover's hand. Toki was too abashed in Francisco's company to compliment Skwisgaar's efforts toward his appearance. A lengthy look seemed to do the trick, judging by a brief puckering of lips Skwisgaar meant in lieu of a kiss.

Monterrey appeared in cracks between trees, as the car passed Santiago at the gate. When foliage disappeared in favour of the concrete jungle, Toki noticed more mountains than the view from Francisco's allowed. He pointed at the largest one, rising like an unruly obstruction. “Looks at that.”

“Ams called, uh. . .” Skwisgaar's confidence immediately died, along with his attempt to appear knowledgeable about this particular port of call.

“Cerro de la Silla,” Francisco reminded him.

“Ja, dat.”

“Wouldn'ts mind to hike to the top, wowie.” Toki scoffed when a groan sounded from the other side of the back seat. “And ja, I woulds make you come.”

“Ams you goings to carry me? Because I woulds probably die, ot'erwise.”

“Psh, you's just a dramas queen.” More than likely, Toki would never get close to the mountain. If he didn't find a way out of the city, then sure, he'd climb it for the chance to reacquaint with the outdoors. He hoped to make an escape before too long, though.

Besides heavily forested mountains and extremities, Monterrey continued to challenge Toki's preconceptions of Mexican society. Dethklok visited Mexico City once for a gig, partied in Tijuana, and vacationed in Yucatán; while Toki viewed the country through pockets of wealth, he'd never seen somewhere that seemed well-off on a grand scale. At least along the highway they followed northward, buildings kept up on maintenance and the vehicles they passed didn't seem a few kilometres away from crumbling. Even on the street corners, suspicious-looking people selling either drugs or themselves plead absent. Then again, maybe they just stuck to certain neighbourhoods.

About twenty-five minutes into their drive, that prediction came true. Although not as obvious as Toki expected, streets came up emptier. People stuck in tight groups; whenever they passed one, every head turned in their direction. Conversations dwindled. Did they recognize the vehicle? If not, did they catalog it via street chatter?

Toki did well to suppress the panic trying to reemerge, but a tugging question caused him to squeeze Skwisgaar's hand a little tighter. “Is this cartel territory?”

“Si, my friend. But don't worry—this is _my_ territory. You're completely safe.”

Toki wished he could feel that. Every new leer, especially at stoplights, further mutilated the skin inside his bottom lip. Sleeping where he did every night made it easy to forget about the cartel's seedy foundation. These people didn't have wealth to back up their involvement. Perhaps Francisco made the decision on who died and how, but these were the triggers he pulled. These were the front lines in a never-ending war, where the main drag became the poppy-ridden fields of Flanders and the soldiers those unfortunate enough to be born into squalor. Should Toki make eye contact with any of them, he doubted he'd see souls. Having witnessed just as much suffering though mostly at a distance, Toki empathized completely with how the spirit slowly died under weight of such horror.

“How much longers until we gets there?”

“Few more minutes.”

They turned down a neighbourhood bereft of both residential and commercial establishments. Warehouses lined the streets, outside of which more shady characters loitered. A particularly crowded premises drew the car in; someone leaned down into the driver's window and, after speaking in rapid-fire Spanish with Francisco, called ahead to where another couple poised to open the gigantic door. Passing inside shut out the majority of light, and the entrance closing behind them left only tiny windows near the tops of the walls to illuminate the area. Toki squinted, waiting for his rods and cones to adjust.

The car's interior lights popped on when Francisco cut the engine. Further thwarting necessity, fluorescent lamps along the ceiling warmed up. Francisco himself let them out of the backseat. Unsure if maintaining grip on Skwisgaar's hand would draw unnecessary attention from any unseen people in the area, Toki crossed his arms over his stomach instead. In contrast to humid heat outside, cool air sent a shiver down his spine. Their steps echoed as they padded across concrete toward a door on the far wall. Massive shapes lined the warehouse's edges, objects covered in tarp. Tires peeked out of the bottom of a few.

Francisco pulled a teeming keyring from his pocket. “Sounds like they're asleep.”

At one point or another, this room had been an office. A desk well-coated in dust situated in the corner next to a similarly ignored filing cabinet. Cobwebs wavered as Francisco shut the door behind him. “Around here.”

A second door—some sort of closet—earned their attention next. Toki craned to watch Francisco consult his keyring again until shuffling sounded from within. Even if he hated Raina and wished death upon her, could Toki actually stand to see another human being confined in such a manner? Before he had the chance to voice any sort of hesitation, two pairs of brown eyes blinked in the sudden flood of light. Raùl and Raina sat on the floor with duct tape around their ankles and mouths, as well as presumably about their wrists behind their backs.

“Hola.” As soon as they heard Francisco's voice, both dissolved into trembles. Raùl no longer strained to see and tears of fear ran down Raina's cheeks. The smell of urine and dirty bodies wrinkled Toki's nose. “You have visitors, Raina.”

Showing more physical strength than Toki believed he possessed, Francisco grabbed the woman one-handedly by the feet and drug her out into the office area. Not that she was very big; as Toki stood over her, it hit him again just how tiny she actually was. If not for their history, the curve of her waist indicating adulthood, or the faded tattoo of what looked like Mustakrakish sprawling across her left outer thigh, he'd think Francisco lugged a child about. Besides the dirt and fear though, she at least seemed okay. No new bruises or cuts marred her skin, and meat still clung to her bones.

No further action done against her seemed to eventually calm Raina's breath. She blinked heavily, attempting to focus. Wide eyes denoted recognition when her pupils retracted enough to discern Toki's face.

“Let me tell you how it's going to go, my dear,” Francisco addressed her. “I've promised Toki here that, for all the ills you've committed against him, he will get to choose how you die.”

Her gaze flitted toward Francisco; he continued. “You've perpetrated your last crimes against humanity. See where your choices have gotten you? Perhaps you should've been more considerate of those around you, hah?”

Deja vu struck Toki, for he and Skwisgaar had experienced something very similar not all too long ago. Raina's black hair turned blond, and her brown eyes blue. The office degraded into forest dimly lit beneath Montana's pre-sunrise glow. No matter what happened to Toki, whether Ludwig nearly killed him at Rock-A-Roonie or Raina brought about his rape, Toki couldn't go through this again. However hurt, however angry, he didn't see people in the same manner as this quivering mass at his feet. All the daydreams he spun regarding what he'd do faded away.

“Toki,” Francisco got his attention. “Did you wish to do anything to her?”

“Rights now?” Toki was more inclined to throw up. “Uhh. . .no thanks you. I'll waits.”

“Very well.” Bending down beside Raina, Francisco lovingly brushed some stray hairs off her forehead. “You won't know when we're coming back, and you'll have no idea what he's got in store for you. . .although, as you know, he's one of the most creative minds on Earth. We'll leave you with that.”

Back in the car, Toki receded deep enough into himself for all the curious eyes not to bother him. They'd returned to a less slummy portion of the city when Francisco cleared his throat. He looked at Toki through the rearview mirror. “What do you think?”

“Abouts what?”

“Anything. You're quiet.”

“Is what she deserves, that's for sure.” Toki emanated more confidence in that than he felt. “I's not sure what I's going to does quite yet, but I thinks her fearing the worst is goods for now.”

“There's nothing more torturous than one's own thoughts,” Francisco agreed. “Was there anything else you two wanted to do before we head home?”

Toki consulted Skwisgaar with a glance; the man's lips pulled in and he crossed his arms over a stress-induced stomach ache. Here's what was _really_ important. Why should Toki concern himself with Raina's fate? All that mattered was getting himself and Skwisgaar home. What difference did it make at the end of the day, if he exacted revenge? Would it really help the healing process, or would it merely push him further away? When they returned to Mordhaus, Toki wanted to be as present as possible for Skwisgaar. How could he do that, with one more murder under his belt and the accompanying guilt to sort through?

He and Skwisgaar still didn't speak, as Francisco parked the car and went his separate way within the manor. Toki blindly followed Skwisgaar into his bedroom. Therein behind a closed door, Skwisgaar turned to face him. “Please tell me you amn'ts going to do it.”

Toki shook his head. “Don'ts worry.”

“Thanks fucking Odin.” Skwisgaar exhaled heavily in relief. When Toki sought proximity, scrawny arms wrapped around his shoulders. “Woulds be way too much for me to handles.”

“I tolds you: afters what I did to Ludwig, I can'ts do it again.” Hope flushed Toki's insides, for this wasn't even something he had to tell himself. Perhaps all the afternoons he spent in Twinkletits' office actually counted toward something. Maybe he wasn't as broken as he always thought.

However, later that night as he laid awake listening to Skwisgaar snore again beside him, it struck Toki again that they probably wouldn't escape without committing at least one more murder. It played out over and over again before his mind's eye: get just the three of them to the warehouse, request a gun for weapon of choice, kill Francisco, then steal his cell phone and car before bolting for the border. Sure, there were plenty of people out on the streets that would love to stop them. How would any of them know what to do though, if Toki drove a recognizable vehicle? The marvels of technology would pass the news along quickly, but they could at least get a head start, right? Getting into contact with Charles would make all the difference too, for surely klokateers existed somewhere in this city and could come to their aid.

The plan refusing to relent led Toki to study Skwisgaar in the near-darkness. He didn't want to kill again, but he'd do it for him. If it meant their freedom, then what difference did sacrificing one more fraction of himself to godlessness matter?

More importantly, did Toki _tell_ Skwisgaar the plan, or would the resultant nerves blow his cover? Even if Skwisgaar played ignorant, his behaviour wouldn't be genuine. That might make Francisco suspicious. This might be their one true shot, so would it be worth accidentally scaring Skwisgaar for a short while if it resulted in the open road unfurling before them again?

“Mm. . .” Skwisgaar groaned as the hand petting his hair became too heavy. “Can't sleeps?”

“Nots really. Sorry.”

“Ams okay.” Skwisgaar had drifted away in slumber, but with consciousness he rewrapped an arm about Toki's middle. “Too much on your minds?”

“Ja.” Toki kissed his forehead. “Goes back to sleep.”

Skwisgaar didn't need to be told twice; within minutes, snores resulted from deep, steady breaths. Deciding he might as well give it another shot, Toki too closed his eyes. Now that he'd figured out what and how, he only needed to discern _when_ the courage would present itself for execution.

 


	59. Evenfall

Some form of certifiable escape plan completely preoccupied Toki. He didn't sleep well that night and, in gaining his rest come morning, was beat by Skwisgaar out of bed. His lover's absence allowed for the three simple steps to continuously repeat: kill Francisco, contact Charles, and head for the border. Francisco's car had power, so need they worry about outrunning anyone due to take chase?

Ideally, Toki wouldn't at all endanger himself and Skwisgaar. Reality contended, though. The only way to avoid the throngs of street-soldiers would be to hide out in the office until Charles managed the trip, and how long would those men remain ignorant toward their leader's death? Toki couldn't risk it, lest he and Skwisgaar suffer the same fate as Francisco or merely be passed off to their next keeper. The best they could do coincided with their experience: run. Run, like how they slipped off Charles' radar in the first place. Run, like how they breached the gravity that attempted to keep him and Skwisgaar contained to their respective homelands in their youth.

Toki's path crossed Skwisgaar's in time for a shared siesta, and he managed to avoid question as they touched base throughout the afternoon. Out in the backyard, where Skwisgaar found Toki shortly before the kitchen would announce dinner, a sly grin underscored a long stretch. “She ams a tough one.”

“Huh?”

“Rosa. Couldn'ts get into dem pants if you was Don Juans yourselves.”

“I seems to recall Nathan sayings that Don Juan didn'ts actually seduce women. Somethings about how he just always founds himself fallings in with them?” Toki scratched his head; Nathan had brought it up years ago, before Toki could really hold his own in conversational English.

“Does you need an accskerate metaphors to understand whats I mean?”

“No. . .I thinks nowadays most everyones use _you_ for that metaphor, so whatsever.” Toki nudged him with his foot. “She won'ts give it up?”

“I t'inks I was a bits too forwards. She slappeds me, acksually.” Skwisgaar indicated his left cheek, but whatever mark Rosa left since faded. “But I haves begun de process of breakings her down. Gots her to laugh, orlier. Dat ams always de forst step backs on track.”

“You cans be funny,” Toki remarked with a fond smile. “I hopes you realize that by tellings me all this stuff, you's revealing all your secrets. Is goings to be hard nots to calls you on it, whenevers you tries to seduce me thats way.”

“ _Pff_ , you ams different. When dat ams happening again, I don'ts have to comes onto you as an outsider. I gots plenty of insiders knowlgedge what ams going to makes it a totalies different affairs.”

“I woulds hope so. And I looks forward to it.”

Skwisgaar scooted his chair closer, sacrificing shade for proximity. “I misses it wit' you, you knows.”

“Does you, now?”

“Dere am somet'ing big you just can'ts get from a casual fuck. Porhaps I enjoy de chase, but woulds be nice to actually cares for who I messings around wit'.” Skwisgaar paused. “I not sayings dat to pressure you intos it, or anyt'ing. Just. . .lettings you know.”

“Is goods to hear.” Toki missed that form of intimacy too. He couldn't even summon the drive for a jack-off yet though, let alone their old standard of passion. Did he take how easy it used to be for granted? Maybe, after dinner, they could give it a shot. Even if the sex on its own wouldn't feel all that great, it could still be special. An interruption in their sex life ascertained that they amounted to more than sticking body parts together, but as sexual creatures, Toki acknowledged its importance in their relationship.

“Whats would you t'ink about havings dinner wit' everyone else, tonight?” Skwisgaar asked. “Ams you up for it?”

“I woulds rather we ates alone.”

“Me toos, but ams good to push your limit. Ifs you can sits through dinner, we takes de rest of de night for ourselves?”

“I guess.” Toki should speak with Francisco anyway.

'Everyone else' turned out only to consist of their host and his temporary daughter. María waited for prayer, but Francisco merely poured a red sauce over his plate. Skwisgaar dug in right away as well, leaving Toki to sip tentatively at his water. He couldn't put his plan off any longer, not even to consider it more in-depth. Already, two weeks passed since Vegas was reduced to smouldering ruin. With all the missed chances between then and now to escape, Toki discerned need to take matters into his own hands.

“Francisco?”

“Si, mi amigo.”

“Coulds you takes us into the city tomorrow? I woulds like to takes up with Raina.”

María feigned the ability to listen at mention of her adoptive mother's name, but Skwisgaar's fork clattered against his plate. He couldn't say anything at the table; Toki refused to meet his gaze or acknowledge his kicks, preparing for a confrontation when they reconvened on their lonesome.

Sure enough, in his room after dinner, Skwisgaar shut the door with more force than was necessary and jabbed Toki in the shoulder. “You saids you wouldn'ts do it. Why ams you changings your mind, and why de fucks am you draggings _me_ along?”

If Skwisgaar only listened to himself, he'd catch on. Toki immediately reconsidered keeping him in the dark; not even one evening where they didn't speak was worth it. Surely, he could trust Skwisgaar not to gain Francisco's suspicion.

Toki gestured him closer. “I's going to gets us out of here.”

Brow furrowed, Skwisgaar's arms came unfolded. His anger disappeared immediately, replaced by concern. “Tomorrow? How?”

“You just needs to trust me, okay? Whatevers is going to happen, we's going to makes a break for it. Ares you ready for that?”

“I—I don'ts know.” Skwisgaar kept his voice low. “I just—tomorrow? It am so soon.”

“Ares you thinking you don'ts want to get out of here, now?” Toki's stomach dropped. He'd feared as such, in his worst moments of doubt.

“It amn'ts dat. Ams. . .goings to be dangerous. How ams we goings to gets out of dere, wit' all dem peoples around? What ifs dey tries to kill us?”

“Hates to say it, but is a risk we gots to take.” Toki sighed. “Eithers that, or we's going to be sittings here a long, longs while. Considerings what happened with Raina, we can'ts really afford to rolls the dice on this one. I's already been—you knows, and I woulds die anyway, if anythings like that came your way.”

Chewing his bottom lip, Skwisgaar slowly nodded. “Dis am where reality start to sets in. Was easy to gets into dis situgation. Gettings out? Not so much. And we ams all ons our own, amn'ts we? We don'ts got Charles to swoops in and saves us, at least nots right away. Or does you have a plans for dat, too?”

“Sort of. Francisco gots his cell phone, and once he's dead we cans call Charles. I haven'ts been able to finds out where he is, because of the media blacksout, but at least Vegas isn'ts _that_ far away, ja?”

“I don'ts know, Toki. Flyings here from dis side of El Paso was a couples hour. If he am stills in Vegas, dat ams a t'ree hour window or so, dat we ams waiting. Woulds be us against all dem guys outside.”

“There's still Francisco's car.”

“Do you knows how fast we coulds get to de border? Maybes, if we tells Charles where we am and hits de road, den he could send someones in from Texas to meets us? Escorts us back, you knows? Or evens better, just picks us up. I gots no opposiskins to leave Francisco's car on de sides of de road. Fucks it.”

Proactivity on Skwisgaar's part relieved Toki; he'd much rather have a partner than drag someone clueless and unprepared along. He expressed his appreciation through a kiss to the cheek. “All we gots to do is gets out of the city. Froms there, is opens road. Opens road, we cans handle. Best case scenarios, we gets out of Monterrey before anyones even realize what happen.”

“We can'ts talk about de best case, though. We needs to prepares for de absolute worst, otherwise, what chances does we have?” Skwisgaar sat down on the edge of the bed. “Oogh, dis ams already givings me a stomach ache. I gots a bad feelings about it. What if it doesn'ts work? Den what? Ifs we don'ts kill Francisco, we ams going to be shuts up dat much more. Ifs we kills him and don'ts get past dem guys on de street, den what ams going to happen to us?”

Toki still didn't want to think about it, but hung, drawn, and quartered came to mind. Everyone would be out for blood; Toki doubted their celebrity status would hamper that. “We'll gets a feel for it, tomorrow. Ifs is too dangerous, I'll fakes chickening out on Raina and we'll just comes back. I's going to keeps in mind that we can'ts do that too many times, though. Francisco isn't stupid. He'll get suspicious, eventuallies.”

“I just can'ts believe dis am it. I can'ts believe dat we ams going to haves to kill one more porson. How ams you goings to do it, anyway? Wit' your bare hands? I don'ts know if I woulds trust dat.”

“I's going to ask for a gun. Hopefullies he'll gives it to me, if I says I just wants to execute Raina.”

“What ifs we don't kill him, ah? What ifs you holds de gun to him and we says, drives us to de border or else you ams going to die?”

“I thinks this is one of those thing where he goings to have to die, Skwis. Otherwise, he's a danger.”

“But he mights be helpful, too. You nevers know. I says we don'ts kill him unless we gots no ot'er choice. Ja, dese kind of guy ams all about revenge and t'ing, but dat ams de point where we lets Charles deal wit' him, ja?” Skwisgaar rubbed his stomach. “If dis go accordings to plan, den we ams going to haves dat option again.”

“Is true. . .”

The conversation dwindled as Toki changed into clothes fit for sleep. Even though the sun had yet to lose grasp on Monterrey below, he tried to achieve the same mindset as necessary before an important show. They needed rest and clarity. Rather than crawl in under the blankets and commence sweating his ass off, Toki headed out onto the balcony. Now that tomorrow became real, could he actually kill Francisco, if push came to shove? The man had done nothing against him personally—less than Raina—and he couldn't even imagine doing _her_ in. Would desperation change his mind? Or would humanity refuse to let him squeeze the trigger?

Skwisgaar joined him against the balustrade, lips tight. “So. . .I don'ts want to have to talks about dis, but what ams we goings to do if one of us don'ts make it?”

“We's gonna make it,” Toki mechanically replied. However, with something this dangerous, he knew it wasn't entirely certain. “Is good we talks about all the possibilities. I guess. . .ifs I die, you knows what you needs to do. We can'ts do that thing where ones of us get shot and then the other one gets shot too because we's trying to helps, saves, or drags each other along. If I get shots even in the leg, you needs to leave me. You needs to get out. Maybes is honourable to tries and takes my body with you or whatevers, for a propers burial, but there's a chance to gets me back later. Maybes whoever we's up against wills have cuts me up intos little piece by then, who knows? Is a chance you's going to haves to be willings to take.

“You remembers how to shoots a gun, ja?”

Moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes, Skwisgaar nodded.

“Then you shoulds be okay.”

“Whats about _you?_ What ams you goings to do if ams _me_ dat get hort?”

“I hates to sound selfish, but we needs to be on the same page. Cans we agree that there's no heroes in this situation? We works together, but ultimatlies, is each of us for himselfs.”

“I can'ts t'ink like dat,” Skwisgaar refuted.

“You's going to haves to, elskling. What's the points of one of us dyings, if it only means we both end up likes that?”

“I amn'ts leavings you behind. I don'ts have a choice, Toki. I couldn'ts get out of here by myself.”

Toki rubbed his back. “You underestimates yourself.”

“No, ams true. I can'ts t'ink dat good under pressure. I can'ts do t'ing wit'out knowings a plan. How ams I goings to go through somet'ing where everyt'ing ams a split-second decision?”

“Whens is life or death, you'd be surprised what you's capable of.”

“Just shuts up,” Skwisgaar snapped. “Okay? I don'ts want to talk about dis, anymore. You amn'ts going to die, and neithers am I. Talkings about de possibility ams only makings me more norvous. I don'ts want to fucks dis up. Just tells me dat we ams invincible and dat we'ves gone through too many fans attack to dies in somet'ing as stupids as _dis_.”

Toki needed to hear it just as desperately. His hand trembled on the balustrade, though appeared relatively still compared to Skwisgaar's. In attempt to calm them both, he grasped long, thin fingers. “I don'ts want this to be our last night together.”

“Den it won'ts be. Dis am stupids, to acts like it am. Tomorrow we ams going to gets out of here, we ams going to meets up wit' Charles, and den we'll nevers have to leave Mordhaus again. Dat ams de attitude we needs, all rights? Cans you do dat for me?”

Attempt to smile met with half-success. “Is just hard nots to worry.”

“I knows, älskling. And guarantee, I won'ts be sleeping much tonight.” Wide blue eyes peered toward the city, as street lights made up for the slackening sun. “But ams time to gets dis over wit'. We been sittings around too long. Now dat you ams healed and we gots dis opportunity, we can'ts waste it. Ot'erwise, when ams we ever goings to get a seconds chance?”

Toki resented, as a cool evening led them to bed, that they couldn't share something more appropriate than sparse kisses and pressing torsos. Given the possibility that this _might_ be their last night together, he figured his body would allow him a final expression of love. However, even shifting to lay between Skwisgaar's legs did nothing; maybe nerves disallowed reaction as his lover attempted to stroke him to life.

“Ams okay,” Skwisgaar assured him with another press of lips. “We haves plenty of time to does dis, after tomorrow.”

Unable to speak thanks to a cocktail of embarrassment, anxiety, and disappointment, Toki merely nodded. Back on his side of the bed, he curled up into a ball and determinedly shut his eyes. If he wanted to make that true, he needed every minute of rest he could possibly derive. 


	60. Running Free

Toki's stomach tossed and turned as he settled behind Francisco in the car. He just wanted this to be over. If not for focus on getting to the warehouse first, Toki could've taken his chance now and avoided Las Torres completely. However, he possessed nothing on hand that could kill Francisco, and he didn't wish to wait any longer for such opportunity to rise. Unwilling to jolt Skwisgaar out of their initial plan either, stressed already as he was, Toki swallowed self-loathing for simpler escape to present itself in the eleventh hour.

Maybe they weren't really prepared for this. If Toki didn't go through with it today though, when again would he ever gather the balls? Worse, what if Francisco realized what they were up to? As the warehouse's darkness brought them in, Toki released an inaudible sigh. His nerves at least seemed normal, judging by Francisco's good nature.

“Have you considered what you'd like to do?” he asked as the three of them approached the office. Keys jingled in his pocket.

“Um. . .I don'ts think I's going to torture her, or anything. I wills be satisfied just to shoots her. Is that okay?”

“Whatever you wish, mi amigo. If you two wait here, I'll find you a gun outside.”

Skwisgaar leaned against the dusty desk, tapping his fingers impatiently. He whispered when Francisco's footsteps faded back toward the exit, “Ifs only he left hims car keys. We coulds has just gottens away like dat.”

“There're so many things I seeings now, that I didn'ts before. We shoulds has killed him in the car on the ways. Then we coulds has hit the highway and no one down heres or backs at Francisco's house would knows what happened.”

“Fucks, why didn'ts we t'ink of dat?” Skwisgaar groaned. “Maybes we shoulds wait. Does it next time.”

“We'll sees what happen. Just gets ready for either way, okays?” Now that Toki had it in mind that they'd bolt, he couldn't stand the idea of spending one more night at Francisco's. “Follows my lead.”

The gun wasn't visible when Francisco returned. As the man sought the correct key for the closet, Toki considered roughing him up in order to obtain it. Francisco glancing over his shoulder stayed his feet. “If you're going to shoot her, we'll move out into the warehouse. No use losing our hearing.”

“Okay.”

Like the last time they came, Francisco lugged the woman by the duct tape around her ankles. Clenched eyes and a low groan on her part emphasized the blood-dotted floor, where pebbles had perforated her skin. “What's your conclusion on Raùl?”

“Whats you mean?”

“Did you want to kill him too?”

“I—I's not sure.” Toki forgot about the promise he made to Raùl. How possible now, was fulfillment? Really, he and Skwisgaar needed all the help they could get. Besides knowledge that he and Skwisgaar needed to head toward Texas, Toki had no other way to navigate.

Francisco pulled a 9mm from inside his jacket. Rather than feel relieved that this type of handgun boasted the majority of his range experience, Toki grew clammy. An advantage pushed him beyond postponement.

His heart thumped heavily against the inside of his ribcage as cool metal grazed his palm. Rather than risk firing on an empty clip, Toki checked it. Not bad; one bullet was missing. Another hesitation—on top of alerting Francisco of his mind—would make him falter. Unsure of Skwisgaar's level of preparedness, although aware his gaze drilled into the weapon, Toki immediately raised the gun to Francisco's face and squeezed the trigger.

Misfire—relayed with the loudest click Toki ever heard—froze all three of them. Somewhere on the floor, Raina struggled obliviously against her restraints. Francisco's wide-eyed gaze shifted to the gun's barrel. Diaphragm seized, breath failed Toki. As a shaky arm altered projection toward the ground, weakened grasp caused him to let go as the delayed blast ricocheted against each of the warehouse's walls. The handgun clattered against the concrete, audible for only a split-second before screams of pain masked it.

“Fuck!” On the ground before Toki, Francisco cradled his thigh. Blood marred beige pants, and dribbled between his fingers. His reach for the gun startled Toki into action; a frantic kick sent it Skwisgaar's way.

“Don'ts touch it, and don't stands in front of the barrel,” he barked when Skwisgaar bent down. A second hang fire required further tampering, but Toki didn't trust it. Frozen and unsure what to do as Francisco attempted to stem his injury, the racket he created worsened terror sweat.

“Why ams you just standings dere?” Skwisgaar snapped Toki back into reality. “If dem peoples outside hears him yellings, dey ams going to investigate.”

With no time to waste, Toki scooped the handgun back up. Hoping the substandard weapon wouldn't repeat its offence, he took aim. He closed his eyes before the second shot rang out. Francisco's voice dying mid-plea dashed necessity to confirm the deed's completion. However, necessity to dig through his pockets for keys and a cell phone wrinkled Toki's nose; he forgot that the bladder and bowels relinquished, upon demise.

“I t'inks I'ms gonna. . .” Puke spattered against the concrete floor nearby, only heightening Toki's nausea. Fighting his own wretch, he avoided looking in Skwisgaar's direction as he beelined for the office. Raùl trembled inside the closet, shiny with sweat. Until Toki began cutting his restraints, he seemed unsure about his motivation.

Toki held Francisco's cell phone between his ear and shoulder, cursing each new ring on Charles' end. Didn't he anticipate that, should he or Skwisgaar get hold of means to contact, this number would be the first they attempted? Or did the strange number cause him pause?

The fifth ring ended short. “Offdensen.”

Toki's face split into an involuntary grin and, for a moment, everything seemed okay. He couldn't suppress joyful pressure in his throat and behind his eyes. “Charles, is so goods to hear your voice.”

“Toki?” The stress in Charles' tone died in favour of similar relief. “Where are you? Are you all right?”

“I's okay. . .for now.” A glance over his shoulder revealed Skwisgaar lingering near the desk. Paleness accentuated his shaking form. “We boths are. But we aren'ts in a safe place yet.”

“Tell me where you are, and I'll come get you. Or do you know?”

“We's somewhere in Monterrey called Las. . .shits, I can'ts remember.” Toki cursed his failing memory. “But we's going to escape. As soons as we leaves this building, we's heading for the border. Or does you have someones here what cans help us?”

“Monterrey? Hm. . .” Toki didn't like the worry that returned to Charles' tone. “There aren't any klokateers in that part of Mexico. And we're hundreds of miles away—”

“Hey, who're you talking to?” Nathan's voice sounded in the background, surging further emotion up into Toki's throat. “Is that them? Gimme the phone, GIMME THE PHONE.”

“Nathan, _no_. They don't have time to chat.” A sigh hit the mouthpiece. “What's your plan, Toki?”

“We's taking this guy's car and we's gonna runs for it,” Toki replied. “Coulds you try to meet us somewhere? Or comes find us on the road?”

“I don't have a map right in front of me. Do you know where you'll be aiming for?”

“Uhh. . .”

“Mm!” Raùl's eyes widened. He licked his lips when Toki ripped off the duct tape. “Laredo. Laredo, Texas.”

Toki relayed the city name to Charles. “We gots help to gets there, so does that sounds good to you?”

“We'll get off the ground immediately. I'll call ahead to Customs and Border Protection there and attempt to gain their cooperation. Are you on a cell phone or landline?”

“Cell phone, with. . .” Toki checked, “nearlies a full battery. We'll keeps in contact?”

“Please. Let me know if anything comes up. I'll do the same.”

Slipping the phone into his pocket, Toki rushed to finish untying Raùl. When free, the man rubbed at the marks left on his wrists. “You readies to gets out of here?”

“Are you kidding, hombre? I owe you my life. I'll take you anywhere you need to go.”

“Good, thens come on.”

“I overheard you say you're taking Francisco's car?” Raùl asked. “Forgive me for saying this, but that might not be the best idea.”

“Why not? Is fast, woulds blend in.”

“But how are you going to get out of here, with it? Are you going to ask those men outside to open the door, and hope that politeness won't get you killed?”

Toki's stomach dropped. He hadn't thought of that. Halfway between the office and Francisco's Mercedes, he and Skwisgaar both stalled. “But. . .thens what else does we gots? Is our onlies chance.”

“Some guys were working on one of these, when we were brought in.” Raùl jogged past Raina toward one of the towering tarps. Her non-verbal plea for attention went ignored, doubly so when heavy canvass formed a crinkling pile beside a vehicle fit more for the battlefield.

“What ams dis, a dumps trunk?”

“Perhaps originally.” Raùl looked proud of himself. “You see, you're not the only one who's been thinking about this. Get in.”

“Ones minute.” Toki doubled back, over to where Raina lay. The 9mm laid abandoned in the expanding puddle of Francisco's blood. He wiped it on his shirt with a noise of disgust.

As he poised to head back, he established eye contact with Raina. If they bust out of here, could she possibly relay any important information? Just in case, he directed the gun at her chest. Maybe her death was unnecessary, spare Raùl's own revenge, but Toki wouldn't take anymore chances. One more lost life in this entire mess didn't make much of a difference, anyway.

“What de hells did you does dat for?” Skwisgaar didn't share his view. Back beside the truck, his pale skin bordered on translucent. “We gots to _go_. Dere amn'ts any times to shoots whoever you feels like.”

“Then let's go.” They certainly didn't have time for an argument. Raùl already assumed the driver's side, digging beneath the steering wheel in search for means to hot-wire their ride. Toki nudged Skwisgaar to scale the improvised metal ladder on the right flank. Inside the cabin, Toki assumed the seat and encouraged Skwisgaar to perch on his lap. Just in case Raùl tried anything shady, the gun remained handy in Toki's grasp.

Raùl failed to notice, head still lowered. “This might not be as fast as Francisco's car, but aside from getting us through that door, bulletproof windows and half a foot of steel for casing are going to come in very handy. As soon as those boys outside figure out he's dead, we're going to be public enemy number—”

“Shh.” Toki's grip on Skwisgaar's waist tightened when a sliver of light stretched across the floor. Despite their position in the dark, Toki shrunk down as far as possible in his seat. Bulletproof windows would do no good, if the cursing men rushing toward the two dead bodies saw them. “Raùl, hurries!”

“Trying,” Raùl whispered back. “I don't want them to know we're over here.”

“They's gonna find us anyway! Starts the truck!”

“On it.”

The engine struggling to turn over startled Toki just as much as the men spreading outward from Francisco's cooling form. Raùl slammed his door shut. Before he could slip the jerry-rigged tank into gear, an ear-piercing bang left a notch in the passenger window. With it, Skwisgaar let out a strained whine. “Dey am shootings. . .”

If not for the thicker glass, Skwisgaar would've been dead. Trying not to think about that, Toki maneuvered in order to better see out the tiny windshield. Lack of acceleration worried him they wouldn't hit the flimsy door with enough force to bring it down. It didn't help that their tires bounced over Francisco and Raina, as well as anyone else stupid enough to get in their way. Even though the men further dinted the tank with bullets, Toki groaned every time another one went down.

“Brace yourselves!” Raùl warned as their exit rapidly neared.

Toki gripped Skwisgaar's waist and put a foot up against the dashboard. He regretted it immediately, for the sandwich effect that nearly led to kneeing himself in the face. Skwisgaar's breath left his lungs in a surge, then sunlight forced Toki to squint. Another collision sent him reeling against the door, then another wave of metal rain marked up all sides of their vehicle. Lack of suspension resulted in another bump as they hit the street. The further they went, the less gunfire they withstood.

Certain Francisco's men would take chase, Toki didn't breathe easy quite yet. “Whats now?”

“Get comfy, it's going to be a couple hours or so until the States are in sight.” Raùl commenced to gear up, pushing the machine for all the power he could possibly milk. “But so long as it doesn't break down, we're going to make it.”

“Oogh, don'ts talk like dat,” Skwisgaar requested. “Just gets us de fuck out of here.”

“What happeneds to the gun?” In all the chaos, Toki dropped it. He tried to reach it down by his feet, but Skwisgaar thwarted an easy bend. With it back in hand, he fumbled in his opposite pocket for Francisco's cell. His stomach ran cold when he only found a lint-ridden seam. “Uhh, Skwisgaar? Dids you take the phone?”

“No, I thoughts _you_ had it.”

“I dids. . .”

“How coulds you lose it? What if somet'ing happen and Charles can'ts meet us for some reason?”

“Don'ts get snippy with me,” Toki snapped right back. “Is probably in here somewheres. With all the bouncings around, was easies for it to falls out.”

“I hope so.” Skwisgaar searched his immediate surroundings, though came up empty. With a sigh, he resituated against Toki. “Oh wells. Let's just gets to Laredo. I t'inks now dat Charles knows where we am, he ams going to move heaven and earth to gets us back.” 


	61. Desperadoes

Thanks to their position in a north-laying neighbourhood and Raùl's command of the wheel, the three of them headed for the nearest route to Laredo. If anyone followed them from Las Torres, Toki hadn't yet noticed. Then again, lack of rearview mirrors offered the illusion of solitude. Vehicles parted for them, and inside the cabin they needed to yell over the engine. No sound from outside permeated thick walls, anyway.

Although a narco tank facilitated their escape, practicality now dropped to zero. Something like this, whether familiar or not to Monterrey's citizens, drew utmost attention. How long, until the police trailed behind? Maybe they already did. Until a bend came in the road, how would they know? At least for now, they withstood no more gunfire. Ignorance toward their wake allowed Toki to entertain the notion that nothing separated them from the United States. Perhaps, after Charles took up with Border Protection, the space between here and safety would shrink double-time.

They were finally going home. A long month passed since Mordhaus disappeared in their rearview mirror, and while at one time Toki considered permanently removing himself from its protection, he'd learned impossibility the hard way. In a sense, he still dreaded return; his primary issues with the place hadn't dissipated. Toki still didn't wish to participate in Dethklok and surely, after their unexpected hiatus, the push for that would come twice as hard. However, rather than consider himself stuck between a rock and hard place, Toki concentrated on the good aspects. For one, he would no longer need to keep an eye on Skwisgaar for fear that something terrible might come his way. His own back would come under Charles' watch, again.

Then, their friends. . .Nathan's voice still echoed in Toki's head. Had they feared the worst? What about Abigail? Could any of them relate to the terror that likely seized her? Was there anything anyone could say, to dissuade it? Hopefully, if Abigail went along to Vegas or Nathan got her on the phone, she could relax. Their search was no longer a potential recovery. Toki was alive, and she more than any of his other friends recognized his resilience. He'd make it home, come hell or high water.

'Hell' summed it up succinctly, as flat desert sprawled out in every visible direction. The mid-May sun beating down as high noon approached prompted Toki to continuously wipe sweat from his nose. Skwisgaar attempted to run the air conditioning; it did nothing but accelerate the heat slowly suffocating them.

Toki licked dry lips. “I guess there isn'ts no water in here, huh?”

“Not that I've noticed, hombre. Feel free to look, but I doubt it. Sorry.”

Even if Toki could roll down the window, would he want to? Vehicles ahead on the highway pulled over to the side, then a police car with its lights flashing flew into sight. Its attempt to stop them led to sparks between its tail end and the wedge plough affixed to the tank's front. However they jostled about in the cab, leading to a sweaty arm tightening around Skwisgaar's waist, Raùl's foot held the accelerator to full capacity.

“Looks like we're plateauing at a hundred and forty kilometres per hour. . .I can't push it any faster, especially not when this sort of shit is happening.” Raùl gestured at the car losing its traction. According to the speedometer, they themselves dipped back down to a hundred as the cop was pushed sideways and subsequently cleared from their path. The engine toiled again to regain the lost momentum.

“How longs, untils we get there?”

“At this rate, I'd say we're going to hit Nuevo Laredo in around a little over an hour? Hour and a half, maybe?”

“I thoughts we were goings only to Laredo?”

“Si, but there's a city to get through on _this_ side of the border first,” Raùl explained. “What all did Charles say, about meeting you? Is he going to have back-up? I sincerely doubt it's going to be as simple as driving up to Customs.”

“He was goings to talk to Border Protection, or somethings.” Hopefully that extended into either the American military or Dethklok Incorporated's equivalent. At their rate of travel, Toki and Skwisgaar would beat Charles to the twin cities. If Charles exercised no more caution, then perhaps they'd meet delegates near the Nuevo León-Tamaulipas state line. “How longs do you think until the Monterrey police leaves us alone?”

“Depends if they're crooked or not.” Another cop car shot past. “The legit ones will probably turn back within the next fifteen miles, or so. Way I see it, they'd call into Nuevo Laredo units either for back-up or warning. And I'm certain Nuevo Laredo knows by now that we're coming. Hm. . .”

Toki didn't like how quiet Raùl grew, or the manner in which his forehead wrinkled. “Whats?”

“The police aren't the only ones with open communication. The Belzabet cartel is alive and well in Nuevo Laredo. They will know by now that Francisco is dead.”

“So we gots _them_ to deal with, too?”

The cabin's temperature doubled. Its size seemed to shrink in kind; as Toki attempted to regain comfort, hot breath against his temple sent his fingers into a tremble. “Ams you okay?”

“Panickings.” Toki concentrated so steadfastly on getting them out of Monterrey that he hadn't put any thought beyond its limits. Perhaps if he did, he never would've gotten them this far.

“Ams going to be fine, ja?” In attempt to help, Skwisgaar blew lightly on Toki's sweat-lined brow. “We mights beat Charles dere, but we ams going backs to a place where he have jurisdiction. Don'ts forget dat.”

“I just wants to go home.” After everything that already happened today, Toki couldn't handle hammering against more walls between them and that goal.

“Ams what we doings. Don'ts worry so much, älskling.”

Worrying, Toki could handle. A panic attack couldn't come at a worse time, when nowhere presented safety or at least reprieve from smothering heat. With a lengthy sigh, the handgun went forgotten down by Toki's feet in favour of his arms wrapping around the slighter man's middle. At least if Toki closed his eyes and drew lungfuls of comforting scent, his heart slowed back down.

Focus. He did this for Skwisgaar. He needed to reciprocate Skwisgaar's strength, so that their morale wouldn't slip any further. “Hey?”

“Mm?”

“Talks to me about what is goings to be like, when we gets home.”

“Quiets, for one. We'll actuallies be ables to come and go as we wants, but you know whats?” Skwisgaar nuzzled him. “When we gets dere, afters we says all our hellos to everyones, I ams goings to locks us up in either mine or yours bedroom. I don'ts want to deals wit' anyt'ing ot'er dan getting settleds in.”

“Me neithers,” Toki groaned. It sounded perfect; already, the cool spring breeze traveled over him through Skwisgaar's large, open windows, they laid together beneath fur, and no immediacy surrounding escape hovered over them. If they only steamed through this, they could obtain that. Charles would make it possible.

Toki didn't care how sticky or hot Skwisgaar grew in their sauna, holding him as close as possible. “I don'ts know how I would've survived the last fews week without you, Skwis. I wouldn'ts has gottens this far, for sure. I's going to gets us right out of this mess and everything's goings to be okay. Nothings else will evers compare to whats we been through. I don'ts even think I could summons one flying fuck if the other guys shits all over us for beings together. What does its matter? How does _anythings_ matter?”

“It doesn'ts.” Skwisgaar tilted Toki's chin up, giving glimpse of a smile before their lips touched. They kept it brief for Raùl's sake, even though he either couldn't see past Skwisgaar's back or simply concentrated too hard on the road. Only the point mattered; affection lessened urgency in such a precarious situation. For a moment, Toki could pretend they'd already boarded the Dethkopter. All the shaking and rattling meant they'd take off soon, and then Mordhaus would appear amongst a field of mountains between the city of Mordland and the Atlantic Ocean.

“I can'ts wait to sees everyone.” Abigail, especially. Toki really hoped that, with news that he would be coming home, she'd fly there immediately to meet him on the helipad. Best case scenario, she accompanied Nathan to the pick-up point in Laredo, or Nuevo Laredo. . .whichever city this sprint ended in. “At least this times away dids us good, ja? I mights be exhausted from the last month, but I's definitely energized to be theres, again.”

“Amn'ts much better dan de feelings of coming home,” Skwisgaar agreed. “I won'ts even mind if Nat'an and Moidaface haves a farting contest agains in de hot tub, afters dey eat dat really spicys chili. In facks, I ams almost lookings forward to it.”

“I wouldn'ts go _that_ far, but okay.”

Laughter further lightened the mood. With it, Toki could look at their situation more objectively. Even though the cabin probably surpassed thirty degrees and his mouth struggled to lubricate itself, this was only temporary. Once on the Dethkopter, he could have klokateers line up with glasses of water if he so wished. He could tell them to lower the temperature to eighteen degrees until relief transformed to shivering. He could sprawl out on the floor and remind himself what a wide open space felt like.

“Uhh. . .”

Uncertain vocalization from their comrade returned Toki to seriousness. Inspection through his windshield brought his tongue out over his lips in nervousness. “Whats it mean?”

A large plume of white smoke hovered in the air directly ahead. “Good news is. . .we're getting close.”

“That mights be the _bad_ news, though. Isn'ts there another crossings we can take?” If Laredo fell prey to similar circumstance as Las Vegas, then they might be best to steer clear and contact Charles from elsewhere. Reminder that he promised to keep in touch sent Toki into renewed search for the cell phone. He doubted, if Charles called, that he would've heard it over the rumbling. So he hoped, anyway; he'd feel incredibly stupid to have lost it somehow back in Monterrey.

“Nearest crossing is. . .hours away,” Raùl gave up on a real estimation. “Sorry hombre, but I don't think we'd even make it that far without water. My head's already kills me.”

A headache settled in on Toki, as well. Still, he narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “How does we know you aren'ts delivering us to somebodies in Nuevo Laredo?”

“Who do I have there? You forget, I've always been with Raina, even if she and Francisco knew one another. Maybe _she_ used to run drugs in these parts, but not me. I was born and raised in Caborca.”

“You come down here, once in a while.”

“Not exactly. Would they have locked me up, in that case?”

“I don'ts know.” It was too hot to do any critical thinking. Toki rubbed his temples. Maybe he should take hold of his gun again, just in case. “Is so hard to trust you, whens you beens tied up with these people.”

“I got you out of there, didn't I?”

“Was to your benefit too, though.”

“Si, because they want my blood just as badly as they want _yours_. Listen, hombre. . .if we could make a break for Zapata, Roma, or Rio Grande City, I'd turn us around. There aren't any roads connecting here to there on the way to Nuevo Laredo though, and these pendejos riding right on our ass aren't going to give us any opportunity to change direction. We have no choice but to work with the hand we've been dealt.”

Toki thought the various bumps to their backend were mere kicks in the engine. Well, even if Raùl led them right into danger, at least U.S. Border Protection and klokateers—as well as military presence, more than likely—would be on their side. They could outrank Francisco's men, sheerly by number.

Still, the smoke steadily growing closer couldn't exactly supersede ominousness.

“How much longers now, about?”

“We crossed into the state of Tamaulipas about fifteen minutes ago. We'll be in the outskirts soon.”

Natural wind currents already pushed the plume southwest, creating a makeshift fog as side-roads became more plentiful alongside the highway. Lack of headlights caused all three to squint; ash raining from the sky made it doubly difficult to see. Toki couldn't even remember the last time they saw a moving vehicle, let alone a person. Did those who lived around here already evacuate, if Nuevo Laredo came under siege? Or did anyone even live here to begin with?

Sunlight disappeared completely, leaving the world in greyscale. Ash coated the highway, giving the impression of snow, and lack of tire tracks reinforced the notion that they entered a ghost town. As they came up to a bridge, Toki craned out the side window to see if anything moved on the throughway below. He more felt Skwisgaar's gasp than heard it; upon peering ahead instead, a barricade blocked the downslope. Nose nearly touching the windshield, Toki made out the shapes of vehicles, then people. Terrible air quality forced them into gas masks, and—Toki did _not_ like the size of their seemingly standard-issue weaponry. When one person raised their fist in the air, leading all assault rifles like marionettes to follow suit, Toki pressed himself back against the seat. If he couldn't see it, it wasn't real, right?

“Hold on, we're going through them!” Raùl refused to balk in their face. Familiar knocks marked up the bullet-proof glass and lodged in their tank's frame. It grew more adamant, the closer they got. A lurch as the wedge plough caught between two cars sent Toki and Skwisgaar forward. Skwisgaar's shoulder softened Toki's blow; as metal scraping metal relinquished and the tank reeled further inward on the city, Toki got his lover's attention.

“Ares you hurt? Dids you hit your head?”

“No, justs my side.” Skwisgaar rubbed his left arm with a grimace. “I shoulds be—”

A new blast rocked them, then a second. Inability to straighten out forced Raùl to slam the brakes. “We're going through another wall, hold tight.”

Stone crumbled, as maneuverable as the ash behind them. After colliding with the barricade at a hundred and thirty kilometres per hour, this didn't seem bad at all. However, Toki didn't like the lack of momentum. “We gots to get out of here.”

“Tires are shot,” Raùl rapidly replied. “We gotta carry on, on foot.”

“Hows the hell're we going to do that? We's gonna get killed!”

“You've got a gun, don't you?”

“Just a nine-millsimetre, it won'ts be no goods against what they's carrying!”

“Toki, we ams just sittings duck here.” Skwisgaar shoved the door open, allowing a relatively cool breeze to permeate their space. “We gots to take dis chance.”

With Skwisgaar disappearing into the dust, Toki had no further choice to hesitate. He slipped out onto the ground, wincing as his legs buckled, and rounded to the front. Raùl peered about quickly, then waved at him and Skwisgaar to follow. They'd crashed into a convenience store. The three of them took up position behind the counter, backs pressed into shelving and ragged breath reflective of the adrenaline coursing through their veins.

“I'll tell you what we're going to do,” Raùl whispered to Toki. “Some of those guys are bound to follow us in. Shoot a couple, then cover me. I'm going to go grab their rifles.”

“Ams you crazy? You t'ink dat no one ams going to shoots you?”

“Maybe, who knows? Let's use chaos in our favour.” Raùl chanced a peek over the countertop, to see if anyone had come in sight yet. “Can you both handle a weapon?”

“I cans,” Toki confirmed. “Skwis, I don'ts recall you evers coming to the range with me and Nathans.”

“I. . .shots a couple of Moidaface's old pistols.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “But I t'ink I ams pretty useless for guns dat big. I probablies can'ts even lift dem, lets alone hold it still enoughs.”

“You'd be surprised what you can accomplish, in this sort of situation,” Raùl spoke across Toki. “Start thinking like a soldier. Until Offdensen comes to get you, you _are_ one, in a three-man army.” 


	62. Nuevo Laredo

“There's still no ones coming.”

Discomfort birthed in both of Toki's knees. He'd sat in the same position for at least five minutes, waiting for whomever would follow them in. Stuttering gunfire in the direction they came from trembled his hands; why did none of it move closer? Were they planning a sneak attack? Did Toki miss something? He was too afraid to take his eyes away from the point of entry in order to consult Raùl.

“You want to switch for a little while?”

“I thinks I's okay.” Toki still didn't trust Raùl enough to carry their only weapon even if, should they manage to take someone down, that would put something far more intimidating in his grasp. “How comes they shootings each other? I thoughts they all belonged to Francisco.”

“That might not be the case. The Zaikos may have gotten involved.”

“Who's this, now?” Toki couldn't even summon surprise, that yet another barrier stood between them and Charles. However, this seemed to work in their favour so far.

“Rivals of the Belzabet cartel. Francisco had a strong hold on Monterrey, but the Zaikos want Nuevo Laredo. It's a prime crossing, for contraband.”

“So you thinks they was the ones on the bridge?”

“More than likely, if this is what it's degraded to. Otherwise, we would've been bombarded by now, si?” Raùl poked his head above counter level. “Maybe we ought to move. We're going to need some sort of masks. This much smoke, and we'll eventually get sick. It won't matter what kind of advantage, weapons, or strokes of luck we have.”

“I woulds likes a mask,” Skwisgaar agreed. “De air quality here ams terrible. I wonders where de fire ams.”

“Nearer to the border, looked like. Still, that's only six miles away.”

“Really?” To be so close heightened Toki's spirits. They'd come a long way so far today; if only they could somehow traverse the Rio Bravo and skip all the territory dispute between. It seemed to worsen, the longer they stalled. Toki didn't realize what dull thuds in the distance were, until soul-rattling whistles preceded them.

He had no time to grow unsettled about bombs, as he and Skwisgaar followed Raùl to the convenience store's actual exit. The streets remained just as empty as when they first arrived. Where _did_ everyone go? Did they simply know better than to stick around, once friction between the Belzabets and Zaikos slipped? Did Toki and Skwisgaar really have anything to do with it, or did the Belzabets preparing for them to hit Nuevo Laredo merely stir the nest?

Besides their shoes clapping on the concrete and the racket they left behind as they crept north, everything fell silent. Ash drifted about Toki like snow, although sounded much more menacing than the crystals of his homeland's autumn. Back then, Toki would sit and listen as they settled together like muted beads on the leaf-ridden ground. Here, the flakes sounded dull. Dead. Rather than form a crown on his lover's head before him, Skwisgaar's skin fell prey. Smudges dirtied his cheeks and, as Toki studied him during a brief rest, its taint seemed to seep inward. Like the world around them, he faded to grey. Only dark blue eyes, more brilliant now than Toki ever remembered, withstood absolute engulfment.

Toki rubbed Skwisgaar's back as suppressed coughs died against his fist. “We'll find somes mask soon. Cans you breathe okay?”

“For nows, ja. Maybes am psychomatics, but I startings to get dizzy already.”

Now that Skwisgaar mentioned it, the world wavered for Toki too whenever he turned his head too quickly. He couldn't get sucked into that depth of empathy, though. They still had such a distance to go, and whatever occurred in their wake only worsened. A shriek resemblant of fireworks pierced the smoky sky, and then a flash of orange appeared. Boulders the size of Toki's torso shattered upon contact with the alleyway.

“We need to keep moving,” Raùl told them. “I want to say that we should just break for the river, or for the bridge into the States, but with how bad the smoke is going to get we would almost have a better chance risking our lives to pilfer some masks from back there. At least then we're not marching into certain death.”

“Or woulds we?”

“Dere must be somewheres to get dem,” Skwisgaar remarked. “I mean, evens if de people amn'ts around here anymore, wouldn't someones give dem some? We haven'ts come across nobody dat died from bad air. . .”

“Where _is_ everyones, anyway?” Toki asked. “Is weird. I's never seens a city so empty befores. Nobody's dead, and we didn'ts pass anyone on the ways in. So where dids they go?”

“No idea, hombre. I bet this part of town is cleared out because of _that_.” Raùl jerked his head in direction of the conflict. “And I doubt anyone's stuck around wherever the fire's burning. I know if _I_ lived here and saw this shit once in a while, I'd have a plan that I could set in immediate motion. I assume lots of people have taken cover in their basements, or something. Can't be too often that cartel clashes lead to such large-scale destruction.”

“Nevers hear about it, if it do.” Toki paused. “So whats is our plan? You says we can'ts make a break for it untils we get betters way to protect ourselves. Does that means we shoulds go back and tries to get some masks, and maybe somes gun while we's at it? I don't sees it as very practicals. Don'ts you hear the bombs?”

“I'm about ninety-percent sure that's military, but even then, we don't want to get mixed up in it.”

“We can'ts just sit here. Ifs the air quality get any worse, we's just waiting to pass out and eventually suffocates.” Right on cue to emphasize that, a gust rustled Toki's hair. The putrid smell worsened.

“Way I see it, we know what's behind us. Should we just continue on and see what unfurls before us?”

“For now. . .” Toki pulled his shirt off. The cotton ripped easily; taking up behind Skwisgaar, he secured a double-layered strip over his nose and mouth. “Raùl, you wants one too?”

It wouldn't do nearly as well as something intended for such use, but it would buy them some time. As they delved further inward, more than likely supplies and populace would only grow thinner. What was Charles' ETA? Would Toki and Skwisgaar simply _know_ , when he and the klokateers entered the mayhem? The Dethkopter certainly sounded different than the odd chopper that passed overhead. Would Charles even bring something so obtrusive into these parts? As Skwisgaar pointed in the distance—where one helicopter toting an enormous bucket of water intent for fighting the fire—Toki doubted it greatly. Another whistle to follow and a new burst of flames sent metal raining onto the city. Proximity meant a splash was audible.

Raùl brought them to another stop. “What do you think?”

“About?”

“We might find what we're looking for, in the wreckage.”

“Ja, but. . .” Toki swallowed hesitation to see another dead body. He'd already killed two people since the day began, so why would the mangled remains of a pilot—and perhaps a couple firefighters—bother him so deeply?

Weighing priorities led them to cross the street. The water seeping downslope in their direction picked up ash as it went, transforming to thin sludge. Passing an intersection caused Toki pause; beyond the buildings a couple blocks away, the smoke bellowed toward the sky in black plumes. Maybe he imagined it, but flames licked their underside. An already-hot day worsened, reinvigorating Toki's thirst. At least some water back at the convenience store tided them over.

Skwisgaar seemed fine with seeking the crash-site, but stalled when it came in view. The helicopter's frame had twisted, crumpling at the tail rotor. The engine smoked, although no fire came of it. At first, Toki figured whoever flew it might've landed elsewhere. A groan sounded from inside though, followed by a string of desperate Spanish. Then, screams.

“Oh. . .Odin.” Skwisgaar pointed something out amongst the wreckage. At first Toki thought he meant the masks they'd sought. Bending down to snatch them up ended with a short grunt of disgust; blood pooled too in the sludgy water, from the draining stump of a severed leg. Sure enough, inside the helicopter's cabin, its owner paled and shook in shock. Through shallow breaths, he repeated himself.

“Whats is he saying?” Toki asked Raùl.

“He, uh. . .wants you to pass him that.”

“His leg?”

“Si.”

“I don'ts wanna touch it.” For a dying man, though? Brain scrambled, Toki snatched it up by the ankle. “Is a lots heavier than. . .you knows, than you woulds think.”

“Toki, puts dat down!” Skwisgaar erupted. “What ams you doings? You ams holdings a _fuckings leg_. _Puts it down._ ”

With a rough shake of Toki's head, the chunk of meat hit the ground again with a gross flop and splash. The helicopter pilot moaned in disappointment. His weakly extended arm slunk onto his lap.

“Maybe. . .” Raùl plucked the masks up. “We should go. Feel bad to leave him like this, but nothing we can do, si?”

Poetically, Toki wished he could grant this man his last wish of bodily completion. No way though, was he touching that again. As he, Raùl, and Skwisgaar left him in their wake, frantic pleading marred Toki's psyche. Perhaps life in Dethklok desensitized him to bodily horror and severed limbs, but he empathized. If one of his limbs separated, he'd want it back. He'd never gone a day without one of his legs or arms, so what would it be like with it absent? How could he not grow attached, after all these years? Especially when his arms made possible his trade as a guitarist. With just one of his fingers gone, that could be it. He'd have no choice but to retire. Even after all the doubts he still experienced regarding the band, he didn't want to be forced one way or the other. His own choice about his future meant so, so much.

They hunched down in a doorway, where Toki untied Skwisgaar's makeshift mask. “Hold stills. . .your hair's caught.”

Skwisgaar pulled a face when a couple strands left with the knot. “Dese t'ing am straight-forwards, ja?”

“Remembers, we wores these before for that show ons the volcano.” Toki pulled the straps back and slipped it on. “Is thats comfy?”

“Almost.” Skwisgaar straightened it out, so that the filter cartridge canister rested against his chest.

A sigh sounded through it as he and Toki studied one another.

“How's you doings?”

Skwisgaar shrugged. “I can'ts even t'ink about anyt'ing rights now. I ams just doings whatever we needs to, to gets out of here.”

“You's doings good. Every steps we take is ins the right direction.”

“I hope so.”

“We keeps moving. It can'ts be long now, before Charles get here. We'll figures out where he is, and we'll starts moving in that direction. Sounds good?”

Skwisgaar nodded.

After kissing the top of his head, Toki pulled his own mask on. Maybe they hadn't really gotten any closer to the Rio Bravo, but he felt better about their chances. Ash fell waywardly in gathering winds, and heat aggravated the air. At least now the smoke wouldn't inhibit their progress. And, with their new supplies, they could concentrate on avoiding all clashes and snaking toward a comprehensible goal.

“Ready to move?”

Continuing on into even more silence, Toki let down his guard. Rather than grasp his handgun like a lifeline, it dangled at his side. None of the helicopter blades cutting the sky, guns blazing about them, and explosions rattling the infrastructure seemed real. A climax regarding a long-going conflict couldn't come at a better time. Even if the military expended its resources on containing that, they paved a good road for Toki, Skwisgaar, and Raùl to follow to the border. Strange, though, that they hadn't yet met anyone reciprocating their search. . .

“Holds on.” Skwisgaar's arm collided with Toki's chest after they'd advanced another block or so. “You hears dat?”

A low drone drowned out all other air traffic. Had Toki not heard it so many times before, he might assume a siren. He squinted through the smoke, attempting to orient himself against it. An enormous black mass passed overhead then, heading east. Even if relief-inspired shock didn't root Toki to the ground, waving and calling out in desperation to be seen or heard would do no good. The Dethkopter didn't possess much of a vantage point at _any_ distance. It wasn't built for combat.

“Let's go,” Skwisgaar started off in the same direction. Toki was inclined to follow; _finally_ , this nightmare really, truly showed some sign of ending. If they could only—

An army-issue jeep passed through the intersection, up ahead. Judging by the mismatched colours donned by its two occupants though, military personnel didn't occupy it. Just as Toki froze, it too skid to a halt further down the avenue. Not now. Not here. _Why_ , when a slivered gap to freedom became visible, did this need to happen?

Before he could answer that for himself, Raùl pulled Toki by his filter toward the nearest building. Skwisgaar already beat them inside. “We'll take cover. Hold tight, hombre.” 


	63. Custody

A cry of surprise from Skwisgaar quickened Toki's feet. Like coming into a den of antsy cattle, furniture and bodies shuffled in near-darkness. A white dot about the size of Toki's hand caught his attention, then a pair of eyes glittered from seeping in light. Here offered some idea of how Nuevo Laredo's citizens took cover during their city's siege. With Toki, Skwisgaar, and Raùl's admission, undiscerning mass of people shifted as one collective shadow.

Raùl addressed them in Spanish, attempting to calm their spookiness. They didn't have time to deal with a crowd that might potentially push them back out in the street in order to spare themselves. More white dots appeared—masks, Toki realized—as they took their chances pressing inward. Perhaps compassion replaced utmost fear, once Raùl asserted they only came to hide.

“Up here.” Raùl felt along a wall, then stumbled on the bottom step of a staircase.

“You sures we should be goings higher? What ifs they corner us?”

“We'll see if we can make it to the roof. Maybe then Charles will see us. If not, there were fire escapes down the side. We'll break for it.”

“I don'ts know about this. . .” What choice did Toki have but to listen, though? Increasingly, his trust filtered in Raùl's favour. If he should be proven wrong at any time, he himself still carried their only weapon. After Francisco, Raina, and the helicopter pilot, not to mention all the people they ran over with the narco tank, shooting a traitor in the dark required little to no rumination.

New voices came from downstairs—English, then Spanish. Toki didn't catch anything of what the men said before the switch but judging by terrified tones, those downstairs were more than willing to give them up in order to spare themselves. Lack of running electricity eased the echo of approaching boot steps.

“What we does now?” Toki whispered frantically.

Raùl nudged him into a conference room. Furniture had already been overturned, possibly for this very reason. Taking up behind it, Raùl's hand extended. “I'm a good shot. Let me handle it.”

“I cans do it, thanks.” No way, no how. With Skwisgaar and achingly-close freedom in mind, Toki resumed his same position as in the convenience store. Assailants actually growing closer tested his nerves; when movement appeared, his wild shot merely pocked the wall. Cursing from the hallway as the two men backpedalled offered no hint that either suffered a wound.

“I've got you in my sight!” Raùl called out to them. “Back off!”

Coughing. “We're looking for Toki and Skwisgaar. Did we not just see them run in here?”

“I don't know what you're talking about. We're only taking cover here. Leave us peacefully, and we'll have no reason to kill you.”

“We're with the U.S. military. We have orders to take them to the klokateer rallying point at Laredo International, across the river. Would you like to see our identification for proof?”

“No point. Toki and Skwisgaar aren't here.”

“What ifs they telling the truth?” Toki quietly whispered. “What ifs they going to takes us to Charles?”

“Are you kidding? They were dressed in street clothes, and I don't trust them to pass us _anything_.” Raùl's brow grew heavier in the minimal light streaming through mostly-blocked windows. “I saw enough of that in Afghanistan, to know better.”

“We'll be on our way, then,” came from the hallway. “Sorry to startle you.”

They retreated back toward the stairs, pulling up anxiety for Toki. “Shoulds we believe them? What ifs that was our ticket out of here? How longs will we have to wait until someone _else_ comes along?”

“Don't trust anyone but your own people,” Raùl told him. “You can never tell a crooked cop from a legit one in this country, especially in this city. They may have sounded American, but I never got a good look at them and, this close to the border, anything goes.”

“But then why didn'ts they keep bugging us? Why woulds they take _your_ word for it?”

“Maybe they didn't. Could be all part of the act. You're considering following them, aren't you? Why would they risk getting shot while dragging you out, when they could just draw you out willingly?”

“We just stays, Toki,” Skwisgaar offered his opinion. “I ams tired of playings dis 'ams-dey-good-or-not' games. We dids it wit' Raina and Francisco alreadies. We makes dis simple: untils we see klokateer outside, we don'ts budge.”

Put in perspective, Toki agreed. They couldn't grow rash now, after they'd come so far. What good would making a run for it be if they only fell into custody of the Belzabets again, or an even worse group? Klokateers were straight-cut. However, as the afternoon continued to tick by with silence, as Toki kept his gaze on the doorway and Raùl watched out the window for further activity, he began to doubt that. “We agreeds that we would only go with klokateers. . .but what ifs people _dressed_ as them come?”

“Why can'ts we ask for deir idenkifikations?” Skwisgaar asked. “What dids you mean Raùl, about seeings enough in Afghanistan nots to trust dat? How else ams we to know who dey ams?”

“I did a tour back in 2008, before you finally brought peace to the region. Long story short, we didn't find the Taliban rebels we were supposed to meet.”

Lacking detail piqued Toki's curiosity, but he definitely knew better now than to pry. Raùl doubled concentration through slats in the boarded windows; Toki wanted to ask what it took to get into the old Middle Eastern conflicts, and what a war-zone was like. Well, he already surmised the latter, after being here and coming close a few other times to getting caught up in armed conflict. At least he, unlike the armed men that walked by a half-hour later, didn't stand at the front lines.

“Do you thinks we need to worry about the fires?”

“Not sure,” Raùl replied. “Maybe we should venture a few stories higher and assess the situation.”

The further they climbed, the more light they found. On the thirteenth floor, with panted moisture fogging their respirators, they sought a western-facing window. The smoke headed southwest, originating near the river.

“I wonder if they destroyed the bridges,” Raùl postulated. From this high up, they could see how vehicles clogged the roadways. The odd person, growing equally as restless remaining still in face of fire, occupied the streets. For now, all the guns and bombs seemed to stop. Nuevo Laredo, coated in ash and sirens, finally gave up the ghost.

“What dids those guys say, about the rallying point?” Toki asked. “Maybes we should head in that direction. Sees if they tellings the truth?”

“That's part of the problem. The airport they mentioned is on the other side of the border. I assume the only place _this_ side of the Rio Bravo large enough to house even the Dethkopter is the Quetzalcóatl International, and the fire's heading straight for it.”

“It ams dangerous over here, too. If dey ams only lookings for us and not wantings to gets involved wit' dis fighting, den maybes dey just send guys in rat'er dan set up base camp in de middles of it all.” Skwisgaar paused. “So I guess we don'ts got any option buts to wait, huh?”

Wish to regain their direct view of the street sent them back down to their initial position on the second storey. Increasing discomfort kept Toki off his knees, ready to fire should anyone come through the conference room door; while Raùl perched up by the window, he and Skwisgaar assumed a couple office chairs. Boredom resulted in the odd spin of Toki's. A sudden vocalization from Raùl put him back on alert.

“We've got something.” Raùl moved aside so that they could look. A recognizable vehicle—black, armour plated, and with a blood-red gear on its sides and roof—passed down below.

“Dat ams it den, amn'ts it?” Skwisgaar couldn't contain his excitement. “We shoulds go. Ams de klokateers!”

“We shoulds think about this, though,” Toki told him. “Remembers the _last_ time we thoughts we were dealings with klokateers? And they turneds out not to be?”

He himself still shuddered, about sitting alone in the middle of the Mojave Desert as Raùl's former associates snatched them up. Simple reminder to Skwisgaar elicited a physical manifestation of Toki's dread. “Maybes den we wait until we see Charles. Mights be a while, though. . .dis amn't a small city and, ifs dem ot'er guys really _were_ workings for him, dey mights has told him dis street—or buildings, whatever—ams clear.”

“Part of me is to the points where I just don'ts give a shit anymore,” Toki replied. “I woulds almost walks up to their vehicle and hands myself in, ons the good chance that they _are_ klokateers. I means. . .we's this close to America, and Charles cames here to find us. Ons that side of the border, klokateers are everywhere. Why woulds that change today, when we knows we meetings here? Evens if we stills in Mexico?”

“Ams a good point. . .” Skwisgaar conceded. “And I don'ts t'ink it would be easy to steals one of dem vehicles from de klokateers. Evens if whoever tried succeeded, I ams willings to bet dey woulds be obliterateds off de map, just in case we didn'ts t'ink about dat and mades a mistake what gets us takens away again.”

“We needs to find them,” Toki stood. “Thats is our tickets out of here. How longs will it be, before Charles conclude we nots here? We hasn'ts been able to keeps in contact with him, and he hasn'ts been able to call _us_. He won'ts even know how we gots here, since we stoles the tank after I talkeds to him.

“Whats you think, Raùl? Does it sounds fair?” Toki feared that anxiety to get home may have clouded his judgement. Someone objective weighing in would offer the confidence necessary to brave the streets again.

“So long as we keep it to the klokateers. No military or police. Klokateers only.”

Not much had changed on the building's first level. The atmosphere amongst everyone else that took this building for cover had lightened a bit with the advancing day, although apprehension silenced them as Toki, Skwisgaar, and Raùl headed for the exit.

Out on the street, Toki again considered Raùl's future. For all the help he offered, it seemed too bad for them to go their separate ways. “We cans give you a ride across the river, ifs you like.”

“Thanks, hombre. I'd appreciate it.”

“You's probably pretty excited to see your ladyfriend, huh?” Toki asked with a smile. “You saids you had kids, didn't you?”

“Three little boys, si.” Raùl sighed wistfully. “Si. . .it will be good to go home. Provided it's still standing, anyway.”

“Right.” Guilt seeped in. “We nevers meant for any of that to happen.”

“I know you didn't. It's okay. We've started over so many times already. What's one more? At least now I can get out of that shithole, and maybe move somewhere a little more respectable. Always wanted to go further north, maybe to Washington or Oregon.”

“They's both nice. Quiet, and nots as run-down or crimes-ridden as somewhere likes Las Vegas. Woulds be good places to raise your family.”

A vehicle approaching brought them to a stop. Toki attempted to squint ahead, to see if any gears were apparent, but the smoke kept them obscured until it was nearly too late to get their attention. With a nudge to Skwisgaar, Toki pulled his ventilation mask off. “Come ons, they gots to see our faces. You havings brown hair make it nots as obvious.”

Stepping off the sidewalk, Toki raised his hand to bring them to a stop. His heart pounded as, with it, klokateers poured out and directed them into the backseat. Their attempt to leave Raùl caused resistance in Toki. “No, he needs to comes with us. He helpeds us get this far. We owes him something for that.”

“As you wish, masters,” one hood agreed. In the front, another called out on the radio: “Alpha-six to base. Objective complete. Toki and Skwisgaar are in custody. We'll begin back to Parque la Junta immediately. Over.”

For a horrible second, Toki anticipated a stranger speaking Spanish to come back over the line. His eyes misted when the only voice he cared to hear in this moment confirmed they'd made the right choice about coming out. “Roger. I'm here to receive them.”

That was it. They'd come back into the fold, and they were safe. Lowering his guard, Toki forfeited his handgun to one of the hooded men. Even if there still remained chance these men played with their heads, he didn't care for the moment. Perhaps he should have—if not for his own sake than at least for Skwisgaar—but this felt so familiar that he couldn't resist leaning his head back against the seat and briefly closing his eyes. Like when he and Skwisgaar were initially bussed by Santos, Brad, and Jorge back into Las Vegas, long fingers entwined with his between his and Skwisgaar's pressing thighs. Familiar weight rested on his shoulder, prompting a kiss to land on a broad forehead.

“I'ves never felt so relieved in my whole entires life,” Skwisgaar whispered.

“Me neithers. We's going _home_ , elskling.”

Skwisgaar's rumbling stomach reminded Toki of just how much he needed a real meal. Carefully selected junk food back at the convenience store and some extra insulin hadn't made for a stable day. Lethargy, now that it could be allowed, caught up to him. He meant to watch for wherever they would meet Charles, but receding noise followed by a lurch of the vehicle denoted their arrival. Between sluggish limbs and Skwisgaar pushing, Toki nearly fell out of the backseat.

“Thanks fucking Odin!”

When Toki focused, he found a relieved Charles awkwardly patting Skwisgaar on the back. A furrowed brow hinted toward confusion, for not often did Skwisgaar's stints of emotion amount to such an obvious and elongated manifestation.

“Ah, it's good to see you too.” Charles cleared his throat when relinquished of the hug. “Are you two ready to get out of here?”

“ _Pff_ , likes you have to ask. Gets us home, as soon as you possiblies can.”

Charles laid a concerned hand on Toki's shoulder. “Are you feeling all right? Your eyes look funny.”

“Has beens a long day.” Toki shrugged.

“Regardless, I'll have you two checked out when we fly over to Laredo. The other boys are there, too. They'll be incredibly happy to see you.” 


	64. Laredo

Being boarded into a helicopter and flown across the river didn't necessarily mean that Toki and Skwisgaar would immediately see their bandmates or preferred means of transport. Going the long way around a shorter distance north into Laredo passed them over the airport, where below their friends probably celebrated news of imminent reunion. Yelling to Charles over the rotors about their destination resulted in a groan. Toki didn't _want_ to go to the hospital. He was _fine_. Couldn't he and Skwisgaar just go _home_ , to be inspected?

Regardless, at the Doctors Hospital of Laredo, Toki's fuss went directed toward the nurses rather than Charles. “ _No_ , I don'ts need you to checks my blood sugar. Leaves me alone.”

“If it's fine, we'll let you go,” one promised. Her brow furrowed in concern though, as the test came back. “Hm, you're a little on the low side. Do you inject? When's the last time you did?”

“This mornings, on schedule. I hads a big breakfast too, but I hasn'ts been able to eat well since then.” Nausea and shakiness started in the helicopter, which were Toki's usual signs that he needed to tend to his levels. There was always plenty of juice on the Dethkopter though, so why couldn't he just drink it there? Attempt to make his point resulted in a coughing fit, through which his breathing turned hoarse. Next thing he knew, he fended off someone wishing to anaesthetize him in order for intubation.

“Toki,” Charles got his attention. “Just let them do it. The quicker you cooperate, the quicker you'll be cleared to go.”

“I don'ts want a tube in my throat. I can breathes just fine.” This was a little excessive, wasn't it? Just because they arrived safely in Charles' grasp, that didn't give him the liberty to start making these sorts of decisions for them. “I's awake, I's allowed to says no. I'll takes my juice but I didn'ts inhale that much smoke. Me and Skwisgaar boths wore masks for most of beings out there.”

“Ams true.” Skwisgaar batted his nurse away as well. “I wills take some water to drink, but no needles. No tubes. I just wants to go see de guys, and den flies home.”

“Very well,” Charles conceded. “We only want to be sure that you're all right. It was quite disconcerting when I lost contact with you.”

“Ja. . .sorry about that.” Toki still kicked himself in the ass for losing Francisco's cell phone. “But we _ares_ okay. We can takes care of ourselves, you know. We don'ts always need someone lookings out for us.”

Charles' left eyebrow slowly rose. His general temperament of relief slipped with the cross of his arms. “You're not the one that's been running around the country for the past month, trying to find you. Do you have any idea, what pulling those two teenagers out of your Porsche was like? And what exactly happened in Montana? As for Vegas. . .”

Guilt touched Toki for all that, but he still had a point to make. “You wouldn'ts has found us because we didn'ts _want_ to be found. Ja, maybes our luck changed in Vegas, but untils then we were completelys fine.”

“Maybe so.” Charles grew more terse. “The fact that you fell in with a bad crowd asserts for me—as it should for you—that you can't just run off like that. How could you put me through that? And the other boys? Do you have any idea how terrified they've been? Skwisgaar, _you_ should know this already. How was it, when Toki and Abigail went missing after Roy's funeral?”

Rather than answer, Skwisgaar sheepishly averted his gaze.

“Don'ts you dare blame us for takings a break when we needed it. We can'ts be cooped up all the time, Charles!”

“Then you're allowed a vacation, you just need to take precautions. Frankly, I thought you would realize that, after this entire mess. The fact that you're arguing with me shows that you haven't learned much, if anything at all, from it.”

“You know whats, leaves us alone,” Toki snapped. “ _Hasn'ts learned anything?_ Fucks you and the horse you rodes in on.”

Besides flaring nostrils and tense shoulders, Charles vacated the room. Toki forgot to expect a lecture and guilt trip upon arrival; he partly hoped that relief to see them might spare it. He knew Charles had a good point—one he and Skwisgaar had already asserted for themselves—but hearing it from their manager summoned the same brand of dissatisfaction that led to their getaway in the first place. At least before, Toki could dream to one day be free. Now, after falling in with human and drug traffickers, being confined, drugged, and raped, the truth rapped him over the head all over again.

His slumped demeanour brought an arm around his middle. “We knews dat was comings, I guess.”

“Does you agree?”

“'Course I don'ts. Dat piss me off too. _Pff_ , don'ts learn anyt'ing. Likes he have any idea what we beens through, dis past few week. Fucks him, I say.”

“You gots no idea how tempteds I am to sneaks out of here, steals a car from the parking lot, and carries on with you.” Toki kissed Skwisgaar's shoulder. “I know it isn'ts possible, and maybes I don'ts want it a hundred percent afters how much effort it tooks to get here, but I just wants to feel like I nots a caged animal, you know?”

“Me too. Maybes if we makes dat point, t'ing will gets easier?”

More than likely not; their brief disappearance and subsequent outburst would only tighten security. Already, Charles probably told some klokateers to keep an eye on them, for flight risk.

“Well. . .” Realizing the same, Skwisgaar shrugged. “At least we gots each other.”

“Ja.” No matter what Charles, Raina, or anyone else stole from Toki, he still walked out of the entire mess with someone holding his hand. To emulate that, their fingers interlocked again. “It wouldn'ts has been worth it, otherwise.”

“I don'ts t'ink I makes it wort' it. Ams a lots of bullshits to make up for.”

“Shh, lets me have this. You's my ray of hope that things will be bearables, when we goes home.” Toki turned his head for a kiss to chapped lips. “I woulds go through anything for you. I'ds go through all _that_ , again. No matters what is goings to happen to us now, I cans crawl into beds with you at the ends of the day and we cans pretend we's in a motel room somewhere else, ifs we want.”

“Probablies goings to need it, once in a whiles. Ams going to gets crazy, for works.”

Toki groaned. “Let's not talks about that quite yets. Reasonablies, they shoulds gives us a couple days to bounce back and get settleds in, before they even starts talking about that.”

“Ja, _reasonablies_. I ams probably goings to have to spends at least a couples hour each day wit' my guitar. Oogh, I don'ts like to t'ink how fars off my fingers am goings to be, afters all dat rest.”

“You deserveds it, elskling.”

“And nows I pay for it.”

One of the nurses came by shortly, to make sure that Toki had finished his juice and was ready for a second blood sugar test. Coinciding with his perk-up, the meter bounced back to over 4.5. Following her, a little cleaner than when they separated and with a water bottle, came Raùl. “Hola, mi amigos.”

“Hey.” A familiar face beyond those associated with Dethklok heightened Toki's mood. “How's you doing?”

“Fine, fine. . .almost ready to go. They've got a car waiting for me, downstairs. Your manager is going to show me out.” Raùl pulled up a chair. “Not a bad guy, huh? He just thanked me for helping you guys. Said I definitely never need to worry about the cost of putting my kids through school or college, or about any Dethklok merchandise I might want. And I got this.”

He pulled a $5 gift card for Hot Topic out of his pocket.

At least _some_ good was going around. “So I guess this is goodbyes for now, huh?”

“Si, I need to get home. I'm. . .a little worried. My house _was_ burnt in the fires, and I can't track down Pilar on the phone.”

Toki's smile melted. “I wishes you luck, then. Ifs I gave you my number, woulds you want to keeps in contact? Ehh, I haven'ts got a new phone yet, but maybes we can track each other down somehows?”

“Sure.” Rising again, Raùl extended a hand to each. “I never thought our paths would cross, and certainly not like this. It's been an honour to get to know you, and to help you get to safety.”

“And thanks you, for doings it.”

“Eee. . .” Skwisgaar said when Raùl departed. “I hope she ams okay. I don'ts want to haves dat hangings over my head. Ams already enoughs, you know?”

“Ja.” Toki didn't even want to think about it. For that, he was almost relieved when, professionally collected, Charles rounded back after escorting Raùl downstairs.

“Are you ready to go see the other boys?”

Only so long as they too hadn't readied a guilt trip. On top of everything else, Toki couldn't stand feeling any worse about his choice to up and leave so suddenly. He already had to confront it with Abigail, and Charles dashed his mood enough to necessitate rebound before attempting that. He needed a boost, which maybe their friends could produce. Concern that they would only make him and Skwisgaar feel like complete assholes for making them worry so much—without having actually come to pass—silenced Toki as he strapped back into the helicopter and gazed unfocused down at the peaceful side of the border. Nothing had changed yet on the Mexican side; smoke still rose in plumes, and the fire had since spread. From this vantage point, Toki could see that, yes indeed, someone had collapsed the bridges.

The Dethkopter loomed ahead, at the airport. Toki's imaginings that the other guys lingered outside waiting for their arrival came true, invigorating his mood already. As the helicopter touched down on the tarmac and Toki scrambled to get his seatbelt undone, they approached against the produced wind. When the door opened, Toki hit the ground running. Skwisgaar wasn't too far behind.

“Doods!” Grin wide, Pickles greeted them with an amiable punch to the shoulder. “Feckin' hell, it's good to see you again.”

“Jeschusch Chrischt, do you have _any idea_ how musch we worried?” Murderface asked. “You have to tell me everything about thisch big eschcape. Did you kill anyone? You killed that dildo up in Montana, didn't you?”

“Don't you _ever_ do that again,” Nathan tagged on, finger pointed in Toki's face. “At least tell _us_ , if you're going to run away.”

“Yeeuh, whet if we wanted to come? Ya didn' even think about us!”

“Bunch of schelfisch asschholesch. . .” Murderface shook his head with regret. “And Schkwischgaar, why the hell isch your hair _brown?_ ”

Rather than get annoyed, Toki merely laughed and squeezed all in a succession of hugs. He understood what they were trying to say, and that counted toward making him feel welcomed back. As result, genuine happiness found him, as all five marched back toward the Dethkopter. Inside its recreation room, where food sat centred on a table along with a collection of Toki's favourite beer on ice, Toki could've laid face down on the floor and kissed the massive vehicle in gratitude. Instead, he'd already downed two beers before Charles pulled up the rear.

“Ah, we'll be departing soon. Within the next five minutes, or so. If you boys need anything, I'll be up front.”

“Yeah, yeah. Schoo.” Murderface waved him along. “We're bonding with our brothersch. If we need any help with that, schure, we'll aschk you for your _exschpert opinion_.”

Toki didn't inquire about whatever tension he'd missed as Charles carried on. Nicely buzzed and with a sandwich in hand, not to mention only four or five hours away from crawling into either he or Skwisgaar's bed, Toki finally felt at ease. Whatever he'd need to answer to—whether the guys' sense of abandonment or the guilt Charles piled on—he wasn't going to do it now. After so much mental energy gone toward surviving and planning for their return home, a moment of silence was well deserved. 


	65. Vällingby

With another faction of his testimony relayed in Stockholm, Toki felt more weight lift from his shoulders. Nothing more than a string of melancholy cut through his spirits, to recall how well he and Skwisgaar got along then. Unloading all of this, while troublesome to start, put him one step closer to the freedom he so achingly sought. Helping Skwisgaar out didn't matter so much anymore, beyond being a handy bonus.

Charles too revisited the emotions accompanying their retrieval; his lips pressed tighter than usual as he shuffled papers at the podium. “You and the defendant weren't happy to go home?”

“Ja ands no. Ja because we was finallies out of Mexico and we didn'ts have to worry about livings in such a turbulent place no mores. No because. . .wells, was like jumpings from one cage to the next. Thinks about it like this: there's this farms not fars from where I lives in Lillehammer, that raises goats. The goats aren't always happies to be confined, so everys once in a while they makes a break for it. Last times one did, he wounds up gettings killed by wolves. See, damneds if he do, damneds if he don't. Is how I felts too. You don'ts really have anywhere that you satisfied.”

“You wanted to feel as though you chose to return to Mordhaus?”

“Safety was the priorities, then happiness. Once we was safe, hads to start thinkings about being happy again. Don't gets me wrong, we accepted that we woulds never be able to does what we dids again. We's not goats. We's capable of reasonings and learning.” Before Toki could catch himself, he smiled toward the defendant table. Skwisgaar, on the other hand, couldn't maintain a locked gaze. “In ways, we was happies. Was goods to see Nathans, Pickle, and Moidaface again. I nevers thought, ifs me and Skwisgaar rans off for good, that I woulds feel a hundreds-percent great abouts leaving them behind. Ands then Abigail. . .thats would has caughts up to me, eventually. I thinks, if Raina nevers found us in Las Vegas, and we wents to Tampa and backs up to Mordhaus, we woulds has felt totallies happy and refreshed to gets back to our lives. Withs everything that happened instead. . .wells.”

“So coming back to the story, we were all ready to fly home.”

“Actuallies. . .before we gets to that, coulds I have a recess?”

“To use the restroom?”

“No, to gets lunch and stuff. Takes a break.”

Up at the judges' bench, Meshuggah banged his gavel with a shrug. “Granted.”

Despite the unintended divide this section of Toki's testimony put between him and Charles, they converged at the back of the courtroom. Charles tucked his folder under his arm. “I'll ride back with you to the hotel.”

“I's not goings back to the hotel. I wants to go into the city.” A new smile conveyed innocence; even though Toki stated his dislike toward feeling caged, he had no intentions of running. Not yet.

“Right now? It's hardly practical. You need to be back here in less than three hours—”

“And I'lls make sure I am. I'll finds a Metro map.”

“Would you at least take the limousine?” Charles suggested. “At least then, if you lose track of time, the driver will be paying attention.”

“But—” Toki hated to concede a good point to Charles, but he would if it meant getting out of here that much quicker. Without having to do the math on a return trip, he could also concentrate on his objective. It would be too dark to go after one last round of sitting on the stand that afternoon, and he wanted to take a nap when finished anyway. He needed to be ready for tonight, when the other guys would take him out for a final round before his return to Lillehammer the next morning. “Okays.”

The vehicle detoured by the hotel, to drop Charles off. “I'll meet you here at one o'clock. Ah, make that twelve forty-five.”

“Sees you then!” Toki had wanted, ever since revisiting his discussion with Skwisgaar in Kennewick, to see where he grew up. It struck him odd back when Dethklok played Stockholm that Skwisgaar should know so much about a city he'd yet to admit living in. Was there reason, beyond what Toki already knew? Did he not want anyone questioning how he and his mother ended up in Kovland? A move out of the city wasn't suspicious, at face value. No one even needed to know about the gap between that landed Skwisgaar in Göteborg.

No one held their secrets as tightly as Skwisgaar. Even when drunk, the other guys would divulge various misfortunes from their youth. Everyone of course knew everything about Toki's home life. Beyond mention of poverty and his mother choosing to ride dick over taking care of her son though, Skwisgaar kept quiet. He effectively shut down, until the topic changed to something else. They all eventually learned not to ask, since Toki too assumed he'd shared everything worth knowing. After Kennewick, Toki understood otherwise. Then, after giving his testimony and reviewing everything with objectivity and hindsight, Toki questioned what else there could possibly be.

There must be _something_. Could Serveta's failure be the true reason for her death? Maybe, if compressed by everything Skwisgaar had on his mind when he left for Sweden last June. Toki could be satisfied with that—had been, to this point—but he couldn't ignore lack of a complete puzzle.

What did Skwisgaar tell Raina, that he wouldn't tell Toki? What could be any worse, after everything else? If the abuse started up again in Kovland, thanks to Serveta's rotating door, why wouldn't he just admit it? Did he hold onto something just to spite Toki for his forceful curiosity?

In a sense, Toki had no idea what he hoped to gain by visiting Vällingby. Whatever secret Skwisgaar kept, it more than likely didn't reside here. However, how often did Toki come to Sweden? When again would he get the chance to learn Skwisgaar through place? With only a twelve kilometre drive separating, why wouldn't Toki take opportunity to reach some closure that Skwisgaar himself couldn't provide?

If Toki truly intended to let Skwisgaar go, he couldn't leave any rock unturned. Years down the road, when that enigmatic man popped into mind, Toki wished to offer himself a confident rationalization before immediately moving on. There would be no nights spent awake in wonder. He wouldn't feel any urge to rekindle their relationship or come visit Skwisgaar in prison. Toki's future would belong to no one else, for quite possibly the first time in his entire life. If he ever chose to give himself to someone again, he'd aim for the complete opposite of Skwisgaar. Loving someone shouldn't necessitate pulling figurative teeth. Openness shouldn't only follow fifteen years of nagging. Every day that passed without an argument shouldn't be celebrated as an anomaly.

Stockholm's highways had been cleared of last night's snow; banks as high as the people walking the sidewalks flanked it, while the odd snowflake still fell from grey sky. It fell thicker as the limousine entered the Hässelby-Vällingby borough. Despite the effort to cheer up the ride through Bromma, brightly-coloured houses only seemed desperate. From what Skwisgaar told Toki, Vällingby allowed the drab weather to reflect his living situation. Turning right off the E275, Toki found that that particular complaint had rectified itself sometime in the last thirty years. However, monotonous shades of off-white apartments capped by burnt orange roofing still did the identical buildings no favours.

Guilt nudged Toki for coming here. He'd promised over and over again that he wouldn't overstep Skwisgaar's boundaries anymore. He failed in Kennewick, in Las Vegas, and then again the last time they'd properly spoken. As for now. . .he didn't plan to bother the family that since occupied Skwisgaar's old home. Even if he wanted, he'd never learned an address. He did, however, pick up enough clues from the few stories Skwisgaar shared to have a faint idea of where he needed to go.

“Coulds you drop me off by the school?” he requested of the driver. “It shoulds be on this side of the tracks.”

Skwisgaar mentioned his complex situated about a five to ten minute walk away, along which he'd take a pass under the Metro tracks. Once, he'd told Toki, he needed to take the long way around because one of the local teenagers—the vocalist in 'some dildos powers metal band'—had laid his neck on the tracks in order to commit suicide when the noon train passed.

Toki donned his coat and a beanie before stepping out of the limousine. With school in session, no kids spare a couple older ones cutting for a smoke occupied the street. They looked on curiously; to obscure his identity, Toki left his hair tucked into the jacket and hunched off. If he took the Metro, he wouldn't need to worry about the vehicle he arrived in drawing notice. Oh well. . .too late now. At least any attention would be neutralized by klokateers, if necessary.

Snow crunched beneath his boots as he walked parallel to the Metro. The complex he sought used to have a jungle gym in the courtyard. Skwisgaar would sit on it in the evenings after doing his homework, when either his mother entertained a guest or he just needed a break from the small home. Some teenagers that ran with the one that killed himself were the focus of great interest. When not huffing turpentine in the building's basement, they'd sit outside under a tree nearby and discuss material for their music. Lots of it came from Tolkien and, before Skwisgaar could afford or borrow the books, he'd listen in silence as they described monumental battles, heroic characters, and worlds he remained stuck in after returning to his room. They liked Skwisgaar; if they had candy they'd share, and if he came home from school with so much as a lowered head they'd corner the bully to blame.

Toki found four buildings with the courtyard Skwisgaar described, but none had jungle gyms old enough to narrow it down by. General absence of residences led Toki to take a seat on a swing set. It creaked dramatically in the cold. What would it be like, to grow up here? New siding covered the brick buildings Skwisgaar remembered; closing his eyes, Toki tried to imagine them that way instead.

Since Toki grew up in such a tight-knit community, he never had to worry about lack of food. His parents' strict marriage meant no other adults came through their home for sexual purpose. Being in charge of the fire meant never going to sleep cold—even in his punishment hole, since it was far enough underground. All his basic needs were met. Sure, he empathized with Skwisgaar on such concepts as safety and security, but his father took well enough care to avoid notice from the others. He never starved Toki.

Even if Serveta didn't mean to, on the other hand, Skwisgaar described nights where he went to bed cradling his pleading stomach. His mother would go out on a date, promise to bring food, and it would be hours later that she came back sometimes with a shrug and apology. She always tried to steer her dates in direction of a restaurant where a doggy bag was acceptable, but even then, sometimes the men simply wouldn't spring for it. Sometimes, Serveta just forgot. Skwisgaar hid his hunger due to a strange mixture of pride and shame. He'd learned already the importance of keeping up appearances, and he didn't want to guilt his mother for not doing well enough. If he approached her though, unable to handle the gnawing pangs, she'd appear baffled. Not everyone, as Skwisgaar would later put it, was capable of making their own way off the goodwill of others.

On nights that the power either got cut or went out, Skwisgaar would shiver under his blankets until finally traversing rooms. Hopefully, Serveta didn't already have someone else to warm her; if so, Skwisgaar would pad back to his own bed. Thin cotton ensured he caught no sleep. If he was lucky, his mom's dates would leave in the early morning. Then, if school beckoned, he could catch a couple hours within her protective fold.

For all the bad that Skwisgaar told Toki, about the things his mother's dates did to him on occasion, he was capable of summoning good memories too. Toki still understood far too well though, how he only saw this place in darkness. After what happened to _him_ between Los Lunas and Monterrey, he looked back on his and Skwisgaar's trans-American road trip similarly. Even in the stretch before they reached Las Vegas, darkness tugged at the edges. It didn't matter how happy Toki was, because that would eventually all come crashing down. Now. . .that burned like an old photograph, too.

Sudden grief struck him in the gut, for the two lives he mourned. This wasn't supposed to happen, anymore. Just when he assumed Skwisgaar no longer haunted him, Toki bent forward with renewed torment. Coming here presented a double-edged sword; while he sought understanding, that sentiment retrieved urge to take up with the man that survived this place. What if Toki was mistaken? Could he blame Skwisgaar, for turning out the way he did with such horror offering his first impression of life? How _lonely_ , to believe not even your _mother_ cared for you. To know your father wanted nothing to do with you. To know no one cared enough to listen when neglect transcended to blinders toward abuse. To suffer silently. When Skwisgaar first heard about that guy that laid across the train tracks—and any others that followed suit—did he think maybe it wasn't such a bad idea? Did he think that the only chance he ever had of getting out required his own hand?

If Toki entertained it however cautiously and sparingly in Monterrey, then surely Skwisgaar did too. Something was incredibly wrong with the world, when someone that young considered taking their own life. Maybe Skwisgaar eventually would have, if the school and government didn't intervene when they did.

“Hey, why're you crying?”

The Swedish, delivered on such a small, high voice, was comparable enough to Norwegian for Toki to understand. Hastily wiping his face, he sat back up. He could probably try to explain that the cold did it—or he could just walk away, since he didn't owe this child anything. However, the little boy with shoulder-length blond hair, blue eyes, and a spatter of freckles across his cheekbones caused pause. With a white sweater like Skwisgaar wore on the coldest days back at Mordhaus, the resemblance was uncanny.

Sniffling, Toki studied him further; he stood tall, for the age range Toki assumed he belonged to. “What's your name?”

“Skwisgaar.” The little boy beamed. “Like my father.” 


	66. Boundary

“Do you live here?”

Like when he and Skwisgaar first met, Toki slowed his speech. His acquaintanceship with Swedish was well enough to mostly understand the child, but he doubted little Skwisgaar would be at all versed in Norwegian. Quite possibly, if he hadn't reached school-age, he couldn't even understand English yet.

“That's my fönster.” Little Skwisgaar pointed at a window on the third floor. “And you?”

“I live in Norway.”

“I thought att du lät roligt.” A giggle followed. “Why are you here? You look familiar. I think I've seen you with my dad.”

“Maybe. How do you see your dad?” Little Skwisgaar's brow furrowing in confusion forced Toki to rethink his words. “Where do you see him?”

“Um. . .”

“Is he on television?”

“Oh! Ja.” Little Skwisgaar's shoulders relaxed along with a scrunched face. “He's a superhjälte. Mamma says he keeps the world going.”

“Does he visit?”

“No, he's busy. I skulle vilja him to, men!”

Toki smiled at his naive enthusiasm, but cringed inwardly. He tried not to think about all the children Skwisgaar fathered. For the most part, building off his own experience, he considered them all better off without. Fathers didn't make life magically better—some, like his, worsened it—and surely Skwisgaar would've fallen short thanks to his own lack of proper male role models. Little Skwisgaar here already fed himself the same lies his father did; a few years ago now, while in quite the drunken stupor, Skwisgaar had gestured Toki closer with a secret to share. In sluggish whispers, he talked about escaping from a pack of wolves and finding a frozen statue representative of his immortal father. And thus, he'd received his first guitar. As Skwisgaar later passed out, Toki's awe receded into pity. Obviously, someone seemed immortal if they were always out of sight. Probably at one point, the absent man dropped in on Serveta and Skwisgaar, left Skwisgaar's cherished gift, and never showed his face again.

“I should go,” little Skwisgaar announced. “Adjö.”

At least Skwisgaar hadn't sired anymore children since their affair. If Skwisgaar hadn't kept his promise to wear condoms once they opened their relationship, a couple more paternal suits would've surfaced since. Ugh, and to think. . .not only had that request spared a couple women of possibly-unwanted pregnancy, they dodged an HIV diagnosis. All over again, Toki wished he'd been smart enough to think like that. How many times, had he listened to Skwisgaar bitch about his latest round of antibiotics? He'd given the man a high-five and bought him a drink to celebrate when their scientists finally developed a strain that cured herpes. Of course, logic didn't always strike in the heat of the moment.

Besides wanting to experience Skwisgaar without barrier, Toki in all honesty hated condoms. Not until he first left Norway had he even heard of them; when it came to boning a lady before the road trip, he'd fumble with the damn things all while inwardly mocking Charles' scolding tone. He didn't want kids through that sort of interaction though, because unlike Skwisgaar he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. He'd have to be involved with their upbringing. With absolutely no choice toward wearing them now, with anyone besides Skwisgaar, sex seemed almost more a hassle than a recreational activity. He would've loved to fuck Anders last night without one. They at least still made it worth doing with all the petting and teasing beforehand.

Consideration of children birthed a smile as Abigail came to mind. She was going to be a _mom_ before next Christmas. That made Toki an uncle. Well, if he could never enjoy his own family, there at least was _one_ child he could spoil rotten. At the very least, if Nathan had no idea what he was doing, Toki would make sure his son or daughter understood what a man was. He wouldn't allow for a girl to grow up looking for someone she couldn't satisfy, or a boy to grow up thinking about women like Nathan did.

Toki grew nervous again about the situation. Did Nathan even know how to _hold_ a baby? Could he appreciate how fragile they were? That they boasted a clean slate, ready to be written with the world's ways, and that as the father he would have nearly first say on everything? All this shit about putting down women needed to stop, whether or not he provided Abigail with a daughter. If another boy grew up with Nathan's mindset toward them, Toki would be extremely disappointed. He'd hate for a little boy to look at his mother and see the type of person Nathan described, when Toki knew Abigail deserved more merit for strength than Nathan _ever_ would.

Toeing the swing into motion, Toki dialled her number. Doing the time zone math, she should reasonably be in a place ready to talk. The call went through, but the background noise caused Toki pause. “Hellos?”

“Hey, sweetie. Sorry for the racket, I'm on the Metro.”

Toki glanced in direction of Stockholm's counterpart, from which he could hear another train pulling into Vällingby's station. “I nevers know if I's catching you at a bad time, when you's travelling.”

She laughed. “I'm fine, right now. I have a dinner to attend later, but I'm out of meetings. How are things?”

“Okay. I's gonna finish my testimony today.”

“That's good!”

“Gots as far now as when me and Skwisgaar mades it to Laredo.” Toki rolled his bottom lip between his teeth. “Nots looking forward to talkings about what it was like, backs at Mordhaus. I has to admit.”

Abigail's tone softened. “I don't blame you.”

“I keeps in mind that is all overs,” Toki asserted. “I nevers have to goes through that again, and I's getting past it all. I's getting better. Dids you see the papers?”

Despite the subject matter, Abigail giggled. “I did! How was it?”

“Fuckings _awesome_. I didn'ts choke at all. Was likes. . .you know, normals.”

“Well, congratulations, sweetie. Just a one-time deal?”

“Maybes more? We exchanged numbers. Nots like we would probablies date, or anything. Afters this week we's going to be too fars away and hims too busy for that to be possibles. But we mights hook up again, ja.”

“What was his name?”

“Anders. You shoulds hear him talk, Abigail. He does that thing where you's really smart about words and languages. . .”

“Linguistics?”

“Ja, thats is the word I's lookings for. I coulds has talkeds to him for a lot longers than we hungs out. Probablies woulds has—you knows—agains in the morning, if he didn'ts have to go.”

More giggles came through the line. “That's great, Toki. I'm glad you had fun.”

“Neededs it.” Toki sighed; further mixed feelings toward Skwisgaar made him wish for one last round. Now that he could certifiably have sex without issue, all the failed attempts before Skwisgaar's arrest could reach some sort of resolution. Maybe _they_ , in turn, could too.

No. Toki couldn't think like that. Sure, it might make sense from a distance, but the initial euphoria of getting back together would soon be weighed down by everything that drove them apart.

“I think if he's open to it, you two should definitely keep in contact. There's nothing wrong with something casual. That might be just what you need, right now.”

“Geography is makings it hard, still. He's goings up to Trondheim on Friday, and I's heading back to Lillehammer tomorrow. Goings out partyings with the guys tonight. . .”

“Right.” An announcement went off in Japanese, in the background of Abigail's call. “That's too bad, but unless you're willing to hold out a little longer, there's not much you can do.”

Sense that Abigail was on the move sent Toki in similar motion. He should vacate the courtyard anyway, since typically they were reserved solely for residents' use. “It sound to me likes you want somethings to come of me and this guy.”

“It's been a while since I've heard you so chipper. I'm all for anything that makes you happy, love.”

Encouragement from Abigail led Toki to study Anders' number when their call ended. Seated again inside the limousine, he removed his jacket and heavily considered ending the silence between them much sooner than projected. Then again, what if Anders _did_ get turned off by the klokateers' handling? What if he resented being treated like nothing but a common Dethklok whore? What if he didn't want to hook up again so soon, and the suggestion for it weirded him out?

None of it mattered, anyway; with eleven-thirty coming around, Anders delivered the lecture he'd headed off to prepare. Very briefly Toki tempted to tell the driver to go to Stockholm University so that he could track Anders down, but didn't that go _way_ beyond a phone call or text? If a simple greeting or thank you was pushing the boundary, then simply showing up at his workplace _seriously_ crossed the line.

This issue of respecting limits emerged too often today for Toki's comfort. What he _should_ do is go back to the hotel and touch base with his mother. With everything else, he'd forgotten about their fight that morning. Perhaps he should've gone straight back to deal with it, but who was to say timing would work out with her either? Maybe she still needed more. Toki couldn't expect her to overcome nearly sixty years of prejudice in three or four hours, just because he told her to. Even though she'd made progress toward overcoming it, it _was_ always different when your kid's personal life prompted expedition.

As traffic slowed through Bromma, Toki gave up on confining their discussion strictly to her room. They'd more than likely be interrupted by his required attendance at the courtroom before making any headway.

“Hello, my little son,” she greeted him.

“Hi.” Toki grew awkward when she said nothing else. “Um. . .how're you doing?”

“Fine. I'm making plans for a baby blanket I'm going to knit.”

“For Abigail?”

“Or is that too old-fashioned?”

“Gifts are never old-fashioned, Mor. I'm sure she'll love it.” Further silence forced Toki to rub his forehead. “Are we going to talk about this morning?”

“I'm not sure what else to say, my dear. I'll get over it. When you told me about you and Skwisgaar, I should've readied myself for the possibility that you would bring a man home to meet me.”

“I wasn't going to bring Anders home to meet you.” Colour rose in Toki's cheeks. “It wasn't like that.”

“Right.”

“Maybe someday if things go right, but I only met him last night. I could never be serious about someone that quickly. I would only bring someone home to meet you if I thought it was something really special.”

“You brought Abigail home, to meet me.”

“She's my best friend. That's different.”

“She's very sweet. . .”

“And taken. You're knitting a blanket for her and her fiancé,” Toki tersely reminded her.

“Ja, ja, I know.”

“Even if she wasn't, and didn't have a baby on the way, I could never force feelings like that for her. Ja, we're close. Maybe we talk pretty much everyday. Maybe in ways we're closer than her and Nathan. But when it comes to things like love and marriage, I can't just make something exist. It would be like if. . .say. . .you tried to fall in love with Margit.”

“Margit?” Anja repeated her friend's name with amusement. “Are you telling me, my little son, that you aren't at all interested in women?”

“No, I am. Just not this one.”

Both Abigail and Toki's mother today suggested means for a new relationship; while Toki could get back into bed with someone, dating was an entirely new beast to tame. Sharing his heart overshadowed sharing his body, no contest. If he ever wanted something legitimate with Anders—should they hit it off further in later meetings—that deserved more than to be a simple rebound. Anders had his own bullshit to sort through, from the sound of it.

Maybe they could lean on each other through difficulty, but Toki didn't want that kind of relationship. He wanted one like what he and Skwisgaar may have potentially shared. The idea of putting in as much work with someone new as Toki had with _him_ pulled a quiet groan. Right now, as he pulled his life together, Toki needed friendship more. He needed family. He needed to lay the past to rest.


	67. Dynamics

On the Dethkopter, as Laredo disappeared at their backs and a stomach full of food and drink weighed Toki against his seat, fatigue caught up. He ached from getting thrown around so much in the narco tank; not having a proper seat or chance to relax didn't help either. As the other three guys sucked back countless beers and caught them up in all the inane hot tub conversation, Toki rubbed hopelessly at his right shoulder.

“Fresh clothes, my masters.”

Toki took them gratefully. Even though he couldn't shower yet, he wished to get out of the guayabera, khakis, and sandals that Francisco had offered that morning. Toki hesitated to change in front of the other guys, silly as it was given how often they'd seen him naked, but patches of his skin still tinged yellow. Between that and the relationship he and Skwisgaar now shared, a lot changed in the last month. Could they see Skwisgaar's fingerprints all over him? Or those other men, that claimed him?

Shame crept up toward his throat like black ink. They could never know, because how would Toki choke the words out? They didn't even have the right. But, if Toki unbuttoned his shirt and they asked about the bruises, what could he say? That he fell? That he simply got beat up? That the ride was rough?

Thankfully, Skwisgaar distracted them as his unbuttoned shirt slipped back off his shoulders. “Whoa, dude, how the fuck did you get _that?_ ”

Skwisgaar studied the substantial black and blue blemish. It spread from his left shoulder to his elbow, then marked on his ribcage where his arm had been pinched upon collision with the convenience store wall. “Huh, I amn't sorprised.”

“Does it hurts?”

“Kinds of. I'ves just been ignorings it.”

“Comes with me. Let's go find some painkillers.” Toki's fingers curled in order to curtail urge to touch Skwisgaar. “We be rights back.”

“Now hold on,” Nathan leaned forward over his knees. “You can get some brought to you.”

“Is okay. We goes and finds it.”

“You're not leaving our sight.”

Touched as Toki was that they cared enough to make such a fuss, he rolled his eyes. “Whats you think is goings to happen, that we gonnas fall off the Dethkopter? We gots used to takings care of ourselves. We'll be backs in like five or ten minutes.”

As soon as they moved out of sight, Toki pushed Skwisgaar into a dimly lit boiler room. He didn't initially intend to waylay them like this, but sudden need for closeness trumped anything else they left the recreation room for. They'd had a long day with little opportunity to touch base, and now that they slated to return home, Toki needed to know that some invisible boundary surrounding Mordhaus wouldn't regress his lover to how he was before they left.

Skwisgaar's face remained shadowed; fingertips skimming his temples and running back into his hair softened the man, though. Their middles pressed before lips touched Toki's forehead. With it, Toki melted into the arms around him. “Remembers what we was talkings about a whiles back, about nots touching each other and stuff in fronts of the other guys?”

“Ja.”

“Is goings to be so hard. As soons as they's around, I wants to touch you like five times mores than usual.”

With a chuckle, Skwisgaar lifted Toki's chin for a kiss. “How ams we goings to tell dem?”

“Hasn'ts thought about it, yet. I kinds of just want to say 'hey whiles we was gones this happened so deals with it', but I wants to wait for the right times, too?”

“De right time might nevers come. Ams better dat dey know befores dey just finds out on deir own. Or woulds dat be so bad?”

“I woulds rather just says, I think. Then if I slips up on somethings, don't has to gets called out on it. I don'ts want to treat it like a secret and I don'ts want me callings you elskling to become somethings political.”

“Ams true.” Skwisgaar rubbed Toki's back. “We finds a chance, den. Just gets it over wit'. Den dey cans tease us all de way to Mordhaus, gets it out of deir systems, and we cans all tries to figure out what normal ams going to be.”

“I hopes they don'ts think it weird.” Even though it wouldn't impact how deeply Toki cared for Skwisgaar, he still didn't wish for any extra strife as they resettled.

“Dat ams deir problems, not ours.”

“But they woulds _make_ it our problems.”

Skwisgaar scoffed. “I woulds like to sees dem try.”

Aware how mean the other guys could get, Toki appreciated that at least Skwisgaar wouldn't falter. Maybe the delivery mattered just as much as the content; if they acted apologetic, that meant they had reason to be sorry. “We shouldn'ts even haves to plan this.”

“What ams we doings in here, den?”

“Well. . .” Toki leaned up for another kiss, squeezing the leaner body. “And I wanteds to change my clothes away from them. I didn'ts want them asking how I gots all these other bruises, and I knows those Nosy Nancies would.”

Skwisgaar leaned against the wall as Toki went about the chore. “Dey ams going to sees dem in de hot tub.”

“I figures out a lie.” Toki didn't want to discuss just how uncomfortable he'd grown inside his skin, these past few weeks. In all honesty, if he could control it, he wouldn't even let Skwisgaar see him until he'd hit the gym. The leftover marks from his attack only heightened that compulsion. He didn't mind so much in the dark, but he'd taken to wearing a tee shirt to bed in order to cover up during dawn and dusk.

“You coulds just tell dem it amn'ts any of deir business.”

Toki scoffed. “When has thats ever worked?”

“Hm. Good points. . .”

Back out in the hallway, Toki took a seat so that he could pull his boots on. He hadn't worn a pair like this since Chicago; though he missed this type of footwear, he didn't look forward to breaking them in. Wearing sandals had spoiled him.

While Skwisgaar folded his hands behind his back, bounced rhythmically against the wall, and fed direction of the recreation room a blank stare, a familiar ghost filled the empty space within Toki's spirit. When he looked up at Skwisgaar, he saw a man with slack expression grasping at the sheets. Long legs he didn't know what to do with bounced in time with Toki's hips before finally settling around his waist. Gasps pelted Toki's ear between strings of Swedish, some of the words he recognized, and some he merely _wished_ he could. The phantom smell of sweat teased his nostrils, as its saltiness touched his tongue. He longed for hair tightly wound about his fingers, for the warning tremble and—that _look_.

Toki blinked when their gazes met. Just like that, he deflated again. Maybe in wake of their day, it would be worth trying. Leftover adrenaline in his system might make sex possible. He certainly craved that degree of closeness to Skwisgaar. Light affection and sharing a bed could only sate so much, even if they'd spent the majority of their days together, while gone.

“Readies to go?” Skwisgaar too struggled against formed habit. They maintained a safe distance and straight focus, quickly forcing Toki to snort. “What am so funny?”

“This whole things is ridiculous. Us pretendings we nots together because boohoo, we mights offends their sensibilities.” Toki shook his head with mirth. “And thens if we chickens out in tellings them, we's gonna scramble at Mordhaus to makes up for everything we couldn'ts do before we gots there.”

“Who says dat evens when dey know, we coulds do anyt'ing?” The corner of Skwisgaar's mouth tugged upward. “Dey amn'ts going to just lets us makes out in fronts of dem all de time.”

“I thinks we's earned that after watchings Nathan and Trindle slobbers all over each other.”

“Oogh, but we gots to be empat'etic. Remembers how disguskeds we weres?”

“Ja. . .but I reserves the right to just touch you lightlies or plays with your hair.”

“I don'ts mind, but mights be up for debate wit' dem.”

Still, Toki wanted to flip off whatever protest the others put up. They'd need to find the line between what made their bandmates uncomfortable, and what they protested just for the sake of it. After the journey Toki undertook to become so comfortable about his sexuality (barring the obvious setback), it annoyed him that Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface hadn't changed. What did it matter if two men slept together, so long as they were having a good time? Did they really perceive an attack on their heterosexuality? If so, they probably weren't as straight as they put forth.

Months later in Stockholm, Toki understood just where the rest of Dethklok's problem laid. Sure, they weren't one-hundred percent comfortable residing with a gay couple, especially when it comprised of people they'd known for good chunks of their lives. However, just like Toki assumed when he and Skwisgaar first opened discussion about their relationship, their bandmates mostly worried about the dynamic within Mordhaus. They hung out primarily as five guys with little to no substantial female contact, and relied on the walls of heterosexuality to prevent them turning inward for companionship. As they'd pointed out, yes, a relationship within Dethklok was vaguely incestuous. In the past, between waves of carefully guarded infatuation, Toki treated Skwisgaar like an older brother. Skwisgaar more than responded in kind, thanks to his arrogance and tendency to look down his nose. However, whatever dynamic they shared, they weren't truly related at the end of the day. Sometimes, Toki secretly thought, he wouldn't even care if they were.

The way Toki saw it, they were two people that, after years of knowing each other, simply breached that final line. Mordhaus being cut off from the rest of the world didn't equate to a shallow gene pool. In the band dynamic, they were only family until something happened to change that. Toki always considered Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface his brothers—as he would until he died—but Skwisgaar was always a special case. They couldn't understand that, unless they'd been in his position before.

Traffic grew thick enough on the way back into Stockholm proper to rob Toki of chance to eat a proper meal at the hotel. The limousine stopped to pick him up something quick, cutting it close; his phone showed 12:48 as they pulled into the garage. Charles waited with his briefcase, looking up from his watch before dropping in beside Toki.

“How was your drive?”

“Pretty goods, I guess. Tooks longer than I thought.”

“Go anywhere special?”

“Vällingby.”

Toki's assumption that Charles already received that update was thwarted by a furrowed brow. “Vällingby? Why?”

“I wanted to sees what it was like.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Skwisgaar grews up there,” Toki stated the obvious. “I thoughts I knew him, afters all the years we spents together, then all the weeks we wents on the road. But I can'ts help but think there something big he nots telling me. Afters all that, sometimes I thinks that I didn'ts know him at _all_.”

“What gives you that impression?”

“I didn'ts expect him to kills his mom. Cames totally out of left fields.” Toki stared out at the blindingly white city. “I haves my beliefs why he dids it. Honestlies, because of what Serveta lets him go through, I think she deserveds to die. But at Skwisgaar's hand? Is what's trippings me up. Evens after everything _I_ wents through as a kid, I couldn'ts _ever_ imagine hurtings my mom. Maybes if she didn'ts ever try to help? But Skwisgaar coulds has just lefts that out, when he talkeds about being little. He nevers liked to talks about her good sides. Was harders to get out of him than all the mistakes she make.”

“Hm.”

Toki's attempt to draw reaction out of Charles failed. Even if the man couldn't say anything this way or that, a tug to the collar or clear of the throat would reveal that something at least existed worth knowing. Badgering would do no good; as Stockholms Rådhus came into view, Toki ran out of the time necessary for it anyway.

“Ah, to get back to where we left off, the six of us were all headed back to Mordhaus.”

Lingering feelings drew another smile out of Toki, directed toward Skwisgaar. He couldn't even feel bad for it. “Ja. Was times to tell the guys that we was a couple.” 


	68. Decency

Armed with painkillers and ice packs on the Dethkopter, Toki and Skwisgaar made their way back to the recreation room. In their absence, the other three had drank enough beer for their words to slur. Potentially Toki and Skwisgaar _could_ wait until Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface were too drunk to care about their bandmates' personal lives, but that also ran risk of earning uncensored cruelty. Taking up seat across from them, Toki zoned in and out of the conversation. He couldn't find an in. As soon as one topic ended, something else would immediately take its place.

Skwisgaar also seemed to notice the closing window. With a clear of his throat, he set his foot up on the rest. “Hey Moidaface, shuts up for a minutes, ah?”

“Schut—? _They_ got to tell you guysch what they've been up to, scho how come _I_ don't? I've been very buschy, I'll have you know—”

“Whatevers, we have somet'ing biggers to talks about dan. . .whatevers you were goings on abouts. Honestlies, I wasn'ts listening.”

Murderface slunk down with crossed arms. “Remind me again, why we wanted you loschersch to come home?”

“You can says whatevers you wants when I ams done talkings. You'ves had de whole mont' to listens to yourself talk and breathes all heavy—”

“Okee, dood, whet've ya gaht to say?” Pickles interjected before Murderface's glower could transform into a snarl.

With means to speak accomplished, Skwisgaar shifted under three glassy gazes. A false start prompted Toki to help before both their nerves went to shit. “We's together.”

Nathan blinked. Beside him, Murderface took another swig of beer. Only Pickles seemed to at all process the news, with his lips parted and brow furrowed. “Together like whet, exactly?”

“Togethers together,” Toki told him. “Datings.”

Murderface snorted loudly, grin wide. “That'sch _hilariousch_ , Toki. Isch thisch where you tell usch that'sch why you ran off? Guysch, which of usch bet that? Wasch it me?”

While Murderface consulted his little black book, Nathan continued to study the two men opposite. “Wait, I don't get it. Why would you two be dating? Are you trying to tell us you're gay? And, uhh. . .gay for each other? Is that what this is?”

“We amn'ts gay. _I_ amn'ts, anyway. Can't speaks for Toki.” Skwisgaar glanced in his direction. “But ja, I guess if de term for one dudes caring about anot'er dude ams gay, den I ams gay for Toki.”

“When did this happen?”

“While we were gones. Ah. . .I t'inks maybe a bits before too, for it to comes to a head.” Skwisgaar paused. “But dat ams what we wanteds to tell you. Just so dat you know.”

“Why would you have to tell me that? Under what circumstances am I going to wonder if you two are slipping it to each other?”

Nerves birthed in Toki's gut; he hated this particular tone of Nathan's. Maybe they hadn't caught him early enough in his drunk to avoid what they'd set into motion. “Is just a courtesies. We keeps it under wraps when we's all around each other.”

“If you were going to, then why am I having to listen to this?” Nathan pulled a face. “I don't want to think about that every time I look at you two.”

“Den don'ts.”

“Don't have much of a choice now, do I?”

One of Toki's eyes narrowed involuntarily. “Why's you making such a bigs deal about it? Blowings it out of proportion isn'ts going to make you feels any better. If you thinks is gross, goes ahead and say so. Don'ts try and make us feel like shits for something we can'ts help, because it won'ts work.”

“How can you not help it? Okay, the gay thing I'll give you. But why does that mean you two have to hook up? We've all lived together for _years_ without this happening. Why now?”

“Is just the ways it worked out. I can'ts explain it, and franklies, Toki don'ts owe you anything.”

Nathan turned his attention to Skwisgaar, instead. “We're all like a family. You more than anyone call Toki your brother. How could you do it?”

“He—he amn'ts my brother,” Skwisgaar mumbled, losing all heart. “Dis amn'ts. . .Pickle, _you_ haves a real brother. You can says dat it am differensk, ja?”

“Sure.” Pickles rubbed the back of his neck. Now that Nathan spearheaded the opposition, he seemed content to stay out of it. “Ehhh. . .but I wouldn' feck any of _you_ , either. Ya know, if I was gay 'n' crep. Thet's sacred.”

“ _Sacred?_ ” Toki snapped. “How cans you call it sacred? I calleds you my brothers right from the starts and it took _years_ for anys of you to gives me that back. Ja, maybe Skwisgaar was the first ones that did. Maybe all us don'ts got anyone except each other to pals around with, and we're stucks in Mordhaus all the time. But that don't gives you any right to police what's happening between me and him. Here we ares again, Skwisgaar and I are ways aheads of you. There's nothings wrong with this. It isn'ts going to change anything unless you lets it. If you do, well, that's is your fault, not ours. We can'ts take that blame, and we won't.”

“Oh here we go with that 'we're here, we're queer' bullschit.”

“You wants to act like we ams t'rowing it in your face?” Skwisgaar sneered. “You don'ts want to plays dat game wit' me, unless you wants to hears _all abouts it_. I coulds describe to you in greats detail how much I loves it when he fuck me, or dat he cans make me cum wit'out me evens having to jacks off—”

“Skwis,” Toki hushed him. That really wasn't helping their friends absorb this, and only disrupted his own train of thought in favour for bashfulness. “We didn'ts want this to blows up. Ifs you didn'ts want to know, then sorries we didn'ts realize. We don'ts have to talks about it anymore, ifs is what's best to keeps us all from fighting. Skwisgaar and I won'ts act like that when we's all palling around.”

That required more force to say than Toki precipitated. After nearly a month of freedom to express himself, reminder that he needed to censor how much he could love someone broke his heart. Nathan's point about them being family only made it worse. Family was supposed to be unconditional. Toki shouldn't hurt, for something he couldn't control. Even if he could, he wouldn't. What would he do, without this? Who would he be? He and Skwisgaar always shared some degree of codependency, but Toki relied so much on him right now.

“No,” Skwisgaar wouldn't concede so easily. Forcing his voice to remain steady failed, as a curling lip only emphasized an angry tremble. “You know what you t'ree ams goings to do? You ams going to sucks it up. Toki and I got de sense nots to force dis in your face, and ifs we can respeck you like dat, den you cans respeck _us_ enoughs to not looks down on our relatesingip. Maybes what you should do ams look inward. Why ams you so uncomfortable? What does it matter, if me and him am sleepings in de same bed or fuckings around? How does dat at all affects _you?_ ”

“Because you guys are my brothers, and it's weird for my brothers to be fucking, dude.”

“I'm sorries you see t'ing like dat, but Toki and I amn'ts brothers. Ja, I considers you t'ree dat way, but nots him. He ams way mores dan dat. We amn'ts going to apolgesac for anyt'ing, and you can'ts make us.”

“Whatever, then.” Nathan popped the tab on a fresh beer. “This isn't at all what I expected to deal with, when you two came home. So you guys are actually dating, then? Or are you just fucking?”

“Dating,” Skwisgaar reiterated. “For someone dat don'ts want to know anyt'ing, now all of a sudden you ams asking all dese quetskin.”

“I only asked one, dumbass.”

“But now you ams curious.”

“Well, I gotta live with this, don't I? I don't really know what to do. You want to tell us all this shit about it, and then you get mad when I try to figure something out.”

“Doods, maybe it's jest best if we all cool down,” Pickles suggested. “There's two sides to this, Nate. Yeeuh, maybe you, me, 'n' Merderfece wouldn' ever go for a bandmate or even a dude. Thet ain't the case fer them though, and you can't decide thet.”

Toki smiled. “Thanks you, Pickle.”

“And fer you two, even if Nate ain't exactly sayin' it the nicest way possible—” Pickles elbowed Nathan, resulting in a guttural grunt. “—he's hittin' the nail on the head about us bein' surprised. Well, honestly, he's more than me by the sound of it. It's jest sudden. You guys had all this time to get used to it, but we haven't. It's gonna be an adjustment.”

“We understands that. Is why we wanteds to say something, rathers than let you guys figures it out on your owns. This was just supposed to be a heads-up, nots a full-scale arguments about who's allowed to love who in this room.”

Murderface crossed his arms with a shrug. “I don't care.”

“You were pretty quicks to accuse us of t'rowings it in your face.”

“Yeah, and then you _did_ , Schkwischgaar.”

“Because dat ams what ams like to actually haves it t'rown in your face. Us tellings you dat we ams toget'er amn'ts anyt'ing likes it. We ams capable of decency, you knows.”

“Toki, maybe,” Nathan countered. “You? Not so much.”

“ _Pff_.”

“But thet ain't new.”

A snicker from Pickles lifted a good chunk of the tension from the room. With Murderface and Nathan joining in with twin scoffs, Toki couldn't resist either. “Sorries, elskling. . .is a littles true.”

“I don'ts care.” Skwisgaar shook his hair away from his face, nose up. “Why ams it indecents to brag? I haves a goods time and I'ms proud of dat.”

“I guess some shit never changes. Hey Toki, you couldn't at least fix him before you date him?”

“Why woulds I change him? He's perfect just the ways he is.”

Mirth immediately spiralled downward into groans. Toki didn't care; like he'd told Skwisgaar, he'd happily stand before the entire world and declare his love. While he resisted reaching over to pat his lover's hand, a warm smile went unchecked.

“Is this whet we gotta look forward to?”

“Don't know why you're scho affected by it Picklesch, we already knew about Toki'sch big dumb gay heart. . .”

“Whatever. You know what?” Nathan set another empty beer bottle aside. “I actually don't give as much of a shit as I thought I would. I mean, Toki already kissed Skwisgaar's ass. Skwisgaar was already disgusting about how much he fucks. Seriously, how is this actually going to change anything?”

“I hopeds that it wouldn't have to change anythings,” Toki replied. “Ifs anything, mights make it better. We won'ts fight as much.”

Nathan laughed again. “Oh, Toki. That's cute. That's really adorable. You won't fight as much? You think being in a relationship magically makes that disappear?”

“Noes. . .but we's better at figurings out what we fightings about.”

“That'sch hilariousch. You guysch _talk about your feelingsch?_ ”

“Ja, we does. What ams you goings to says about it?” Skwisgaar shot at him. “You don'ts t'ink Nat'an talk about _hims_ feelings, wit' Abigail? Dat t'ing like dis exist in a vacuums?”

“Ha, lischten to you! Are you the exschpert now, on relationschipsch?”

“What woulds it matter to you? You won'ts ever have opportunities to use anys of my advice!”

“Aw, Skwis. Don't be so means.”

“I can'ts help it. He ams dildo.”

“Hey, schut it!” Murderface hollered over them. “I would have you know that—while you were gone—I happened to get laid!”

“Ha, I wills believe dat when—”

“Nah, it's true,” Pickles put forth. “We had ta hear all about it. . .”

“No!” Toki gasped.

“Yesch!” Murderface dug into his pocket. “And I have the picturesch to prove it!”

“Ja. . .puts dat away.” Skwisgaar waved him off with a wrinkled nose. “How abouts I just says I believe you? I have seens you in de buff enoughs to know it amn't somet'ing I wishes to looks upon again.”

“Not even when you're gay?”

“I amn'ts gay enough for dat. Sorries.”

With Murderface attracting the majority of abuse, attention shifted away from Toki and Skwisgaar's relationship. Toki breathed easier, for it. Of course, things might be different when everyone sobered up. Whether that meant for better or worse, he didn't know yet. If they could reach this conclusion with foggy mind though, that fed Toki further confidence that this would be all right. They'd gotten through the worst part of bringing this home.

As Skwisgaar and Murderface's quips became more good-natured, with Nathan and Pickles adding their own remarks when necessary, Toki studied Skwisgaar from the other end of the couch. When they got home, he only hoped he could properly show appreciation for everything he'd said in their favour. Not only that, but even more than during their side-trip into the utility room, he craved intimacy. Frazzled, it took everything he had not to slide down the couch and indulge himself.

Attempt to convey his regard through glances failed. Every itch of his fingers resulted in another sip of beer. If everyday became this at Mordhaus, then he needed to brace himself for a whole new type of torture. 


	69. Homecoming

“We must be gettings close, now.”

While Toki and Skwisgaar levelled off on alcohol as their flight progressed, Pickles, Nathan, and Murderface drank themselves into a stupor. The hours drug, after a fast-paced day; while the sun set, Toki and Skwisgaar stood at the window in order to gain first sight of Mordhaus.

“Ares those the lights for Mordland?” Never before had Toki been so happy to see the city.

“Can'ts tell too well.” Skwisgaar cupped his face against the window, in order to block the inside lights. “Mights be New York.”

Toki groaned. “How much longers we gots to wait?”

“Can'ts be more dan an hour. . .”

“Hey Nathans, can I borrows your phone?” Toki directed at his nearly passed-out bandmate. “I wants to call Abigail.”

“Hrm. . .” Nathan sluggishly pat his pockets. “Oh. That's why my back hurts so much. Here.”

“Dood, yer bleedin',” Pickles pointed out.

Toki took the phone with relish, ducking back out into the hallway. He thought he could wait until acquiring a new device of his own at Mordhaus, but the month of silence between him and Abigail needed to end as soon as possible. A wide smile fixed his mouth as he waited for the ringing to end.

“Greetings from Earth, Captain Evilstopper.”

“Whats?” Toki snorted.

“I—who is—? _Toki_ , is that you?”

“Tells me more abouts this Captain Evilstopper. Sounds interesting.”

“Toki!” Abigail's voice rose in octave. “Oh my god, you have no idea how good it is to hear your voice! Are you all right? Where are you? Nathan called me hours ago to say you'd been in contact. . .”

A lump formed in Toki's throat, despite the grin. “You sounds tired.”

“I meant to call, but I guess I slept through the alarm I set.” She paused, fiddling on the other end. “Wow, did I ever. But I'll be rested for when you get here. How far away are you?”

“Just flyings over New York, I think. You's at Mordhaus?”

“I've been here for the last few weeks.” A sigh grazed the mouthpiece. “I've missed you, sweetie. You have no idea how worried I've been.”

Anticipated guilt tumbled upon Toki; biting his bottom lip, he sunk down to the floor against the wall. “Listens. . .I'm so sorries I never calleds you when I coulds. I nevers meant to makes you worry. It was really stupids of us. We didn'ts want to be founds, and thats was all that mattered at the time.”

“We'll talk about it when you get here, okay? Or maybe in the morning, when we've both slept some more.”

“You don'ts want to sees me tonight?”

“Of course I do, but I think we're both a little too exhausted to hold any sort of conversation.”

“Okays.” Toki hadn't precipitated coming home to a fight. He had no excuses or justification, though. Whatever laid in store for him, he'd take it like a man. He deserved her anger. “Well, for whats is worth. . .I really missed you and I's glad to be home.”

“I'm glad you're home too. I'll see you in a little while.”

Toki returned Nathan's phone and resumed seat beside Skwisgaar. Light pollution filtered up from below, which the other man studied while leaning forward on his elbow. His forehead rested against the glass. “How am she doings?”

“Pissed. I's in so much troubles.”

“Did she chews you out?”

Forgetting the other guys (not that they paid attention anyway), Toki wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar's middle and nuzzled his neck. “Nots yet. But she's goings to, and she has every rights for it. I shoulds has called her to lets her know I was okay. The worst parts is that I didn'ts even _thinks_ about it. I was too busies with my dick.”

“Eee. . .” Skwisgaar ran his fingers through Toki's hair. “Ams mostly my faults.”

“I didn'ts have to go the first two weeks without callings, though. Evens if I was distracteds, I coulds has called to says hellos.”

“Remembers we agreeds dat we wouldn'ts do dat. We didn'ts want to be founds. I shoulds talk to her, tells her dat it amn'ts all your fault, or somet'ing. It amn'ts fair dat you gets all de brunt for boths of us beings dumbasses.”

“Is okay, Skwis. I handles it. I. . .” Toki sighed, for this risked pissing Skwisgaar off, too. “She don'ts know about us yet, and I thinks that maybes when she finds out wills be ten times worse?”

“Why?”

“Nots just because of you in particulars, but because I ditched her to runs off with someone.”

“Dat amn'ts de case, though. We didn'ts leave for dat. It cames laters. It was me dat kidnappeds you in de forst place, and convinced you nots to goes back.”

“Was mostlies my own decision, though. I coulds has gones back in Danbury, or ins Wisconsin. I coulds has gone to the motel office in Missoula and calleds Charles, or calleds it quits in Vegas when Jorge and Santos was fuckings with us.” Toki shuddered involuntarily. Now that it was over, the span from Vegas to Monterrey seemed like a distant nightmare. “I appreciates what you're doings, but I needs to answer for my selfishness and stupidities. Abigail deserves to knows the whole truth, so thats when we get past it there isn'ts anything lingerings that mights come back to bites us in the ass.”

“I would hates to see you two nots be friends no more, because of dis.”

“It won'ts be _that_ bad. . .hopes not, anyway.” Toki's grip on Skwisgaar tightened. “I's going to sees her when we gets home, but we aren'ts going to talks about it until tomorrow. Untils then, I wants to enjoy beings back at Mordhaus, and get some sleep. Was hards to get any at Francisco's, the past few nights.”

“I didn't sleeps too great, either.” A wide yawn demonstrated as such. “Odin, I hopes dey put fresh sheets and blankets on my bed. Ams always good to gets home from a concort or somet'ing, but dis? Wills be a whole new experience.”

“Is pr—hey, look!” Toki sat up straight. In the distance, beyond a new field of lights, the eyes and mouth of Mordhaus glowed red. He'd actually missed the sight during his last homecoming; complications with his diabetes ensured he blacked out shortly after his removal from the Revengencers' grasp. At least their doctors helped him wake up in the viking citadel. Now that Toki thought about it, he'd really lucked out on that during this round of escape. He wouldn't dare push that a third time.

When Mordhaus fluctuated to full size outside the window, Charles reappeared. “We'll be on the tarmac in about five more minutes. Are the, ah, other boys ready to disembark?”

“You coulds probably just leaves dem on here. Dey wouldn'ts know de difference.” Skwisgaar indicated their unconscious forms.

“Hm.” It'd definitely been done, before. “Perhaps. We'll see if landing rouses them at all.”

It didn't. When Toki stumbled sideways upon touchdown, Pickles merely curled up further into a ball. Leaving Charles to deal with them and Skwisgaar to look on disapprovingly, Toki beelined for the exit. Fear of what tomorrow might bring had to be pushed aside, lest he dread seeing Abigail now.

Just as he'd hoped and expected, she held her hair as the Dethkopter's rotors continued to spin. Her face split into a wide grin; before she had the chance to run and meet him, Toki lifted her off the ground in the biggest hug he could manage. Not until his back protested and she began to slip did he let her down. Even then, her arms remained tight about his neck.

“You ever do that to me again, and I'll track you down for the sole purpose of putting you in the ground.” Toki caught a sniffle amongst the droning background noise. When Abigail pulled away, she wiped at her cheek. A fortnight of missed sleep didn't suit her well; bags developed under her eyes, her skin colour had dulled, and her hair had fallen flat. Despite all that, as well as her tone, she continued to smile. “You're so dirty.”

“Haven'ts had the chance to shower, yet. Is the first things I's going to do.” Toki probably stunk, too; rather than check, he relied on the wind to push it away from Abigail.

“Well. . .I'm glad you're home,” Abigail repeated with another quick hug. “I'm sorry, but I'm exhausted. You probably are too, anyway. Do you have a new phone, yet?”

“Charles says I'll gets one tomorrow.”

“I'll track you down then, or vice versa. I'm going to collect my doofus and go back to bed.”

“He was passed out, last I saws him.”

Abigail shrugged. “Screw him, then. I get his bed all to myself.”

No matter how large Nathan's bed was, he tended to shrink it whenever he and Abigail cohabited. He'd follow her right to the edge as she tried for room, then float the other way when she slipped out and took up behind his back. Willing to laugh at anything right now, thanks to his carefree attitude, Toki turned them toward Mordhaus. “I coulds walk you?”

He closed his hand around hers as they neared the entrance. Doors slid open to admit them; like Toki's last return home in such manner, the ceilings reminded him of their height. Living in motel rooms for two weeks helped him forget luxury, then Raina and Francisco's homes spoiled him toward wealth. However, for whatever grandiose amount of money and influence they might boast, their reach could never compare to Dethklok's. In hindsight now, how often had Francisco's drugs found their way into his veins? How many people did Toki encounter that used Raina's slave labour? How weird, that they'd maybe interacted in that way. They might've used him to boost their own affluence, as the world sought to forget their financial troubles in wake of the band's demise. Raina might've appealed to struggling businesses that couldn't afford their employees, further hindering the economy.

How was it possible to feel worth so much, yet so little? As a mere accomplice within Dethklok, Toki's absence shouldn't precipitate so much damage. Maybe it was Skwisgaar, though. Certainly, without _him_ , the band couldn't function.

Considering all the bad he'd caused, Toki had no idea what to say to Abigail. Now that their initial greetings were out of the way, absolutely anything and everything would segue into the necessary conversation that neither wished to have. Silence used to be easy with her; then again, nothing unspoken ever existed between them. Their entire history consisted of their own stint in captivity. Oh god, Toki hadn't totally corrupted that, had he?

Doing them both a favour for the awkwardness, Abigail pulled Toki to a stop at the appropriate intersection between his and Nathan's bedrooms. “I can find my way from here. You should go shower and sleep. Good night, sweetie.”

Toki turned his cheek more toward her, expecting a kiss, but a final hug was the extent. She didn't look back; Toki watched her until she rounded the corner, growing sadder with every echoing step. Tomorrow, he needed to make sure she knew how much her friendship meant to him, no matter how the evidence stated the contrary. He relied on her more than anyone else he considered a friend. If only she could trust him in kind.

Concern tarnished what should've been the best shower of his life. Clean, Toki sat on the edge of his bed. Nothing had changed since his departure, although klokateers had been through to dust. Like Skwisgaar, he anticipated crawling in under the blankets and merely squirming about as clean cotton brushed damp skin. Nerves required company though and, besides, Toki foresaw before arrival that he'd choose moonlit furs over his own abode.

Out of habit, he stuck his ear against Skwisgaar's door to make sure he didn't already have company. Silence gave the go-ahead; the bed still laid made, although a line of light across the floor from the slightly agape bathroom door meant Skwisgaar had certainly found his way here. Toki crawled in under the soft blanket, curling up to one of the pillows with a sigh. The last time he'd seen this bed, a woman died in it. He didn't care so much as for the thousands of women Skwisgaar fucked, but even though he hadn't staked his own claim yet on the man then, Toki already had his own history upon this mattress. Some of his favourite afternoons spent with Skwisgaar consisted solely of sprawling out across it with a magazine or watching long, thin fingers rush over the Thunderhorse's frets.

Would Skwisgaar invoke similar policy to what he'd kept in Monterrey? Could this bed be sacred to them, while he fucked his sluts elsewhere? It was worth asking, at the very least.

Toki slipped into sleep waiting for Skwisgaar to get out of the shower, only waking when a shift in the air passed the mingled scent of Skwisgaar's favoured shower products and deodorant under his nose. Eyes cracked open, he watched a silhouette tiptoe across the room in search for underwear. A smile birthed when bare ass came into view. “Is okay that I's here?”

“I woulds has come founds you, anyway,” Skwisgaar responded. “Dids I wake you up?”

“Nots really.”

Armed with brush, Skwisgaar took a seat on the edge of the bed. Toki gravitated closer and nuzzled the side of his thigh. “Feels good to be homes, doesn'ts it?”

“Ins way, ja. Nots gonna lie, no matters what evenskly happened, I woulds much rat'er stills be on de road wit' you.”

“I didn'ts get it all out of my systems, either. Do you thinks Charles would sets us back in the Mojave Desert and lets us finish up, ifs we asked nicely enough?”

Skwisgaar answered with a sardonic laugh.

“Nots even with klokateers watching us?” Eyes closed, Toki inhaled a lungful of Skwisgaar's scent. “Althoughs I guess a months away from work has reallies pushed our limit. He probablies won't let us haves a vacation fors another year, now.”

“Ams too bad. I'ms probably goings to need one wit'ins a week.”

“That soons? Is he already talkings about going back into the studio?”

“Afters you left wit' Abigail, I gots de whole guilt trip, dat Nat'an and Pickle has beens hard at work, evens though dey was worried sicks about us, and I gots to starts pulling my weight and gettings caught up in everyt'ing dat didn'ts happen while we was gones.”

“That's bullshits. Does he thinks that we fakeds being taken, or something? Where's his sympathies?”

“Last I checked, robots didn'ts have dem.”

With so much already on his plate to worry about, Toki elected to let their manager's insensitivity go. He still had it in mind to try something with Skwisgaar, and such stress weighing him down would only further hamper his ability to perform. A long body crawling in beside inspired his fingertips to freely wander. “Is dumbs after everything we beens through, but I can'ts believe I's in your bed rights now.”

“Amn'ts as crazy as you t'ink. I'm stills de same porson, evens though we ams back.”

Toki leaned up on his elbow, pushing the blanket down to Skwisgaar's waist so that moonlight tinted his pale skin blue. Curious touch followed lines of shadow, then created its own with gentle press. Over the soft little bulge of Skwisgaar's lower abdomen, Toki followed the trail of hair to his underwear's waistband before slipping the tips in. “Hey. . .”

Unsure how to carry the thought on with Skwisgaar's prompt, Toki leaned down instead. A minty mouth and smooth, soft lips made him groan; he needed to feel sexual again, both to regain intimacy and reclaim the dominance stripped from him. Skwisgaar laying flatter on his back and letting his legs fall open was a good start toward both. Maybe Toki treated him a little rougher than usual, but he toed a thin line between acceptable conduct and that which was necessary to keep the cautious fire of arousal burning.

He thought he'd totally overstepped his boundaries as nails dug and a harsh exhale put gap between their lips. His grip on Skwisgaar's cock lessened. “Sorries.”

“Ams okay.” Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around Toki's shoulders. “You knows I'm goods for anyt'ing.”

Toki initially meant for something sweet and leisurely, but his anxiety caught up. Any attempt to pace himself resulted in stilted hand. Unless Skwisgaar's brow furrowed and his lips puckered in discomfort, Toki couldn't focus. The fire in his belly dimmed so long as Skwisgaar faced him; with the man maneuvered onto all fours, Toki stroked himself in hopes that the ability to get hard meant something. Toying with Skwisgaar's hole helped, for all the accumulated signs of submission before him.

“Dere ams a bottles of lubes down by de bed leg,” Skwisgaar gestured in its general direction.

Fear that he worked on limited time pushed Toki to rush. Resistance in Skwisgaar's body resulted in a necessary apology, not that Toki gave him the chance to adjust anyway before their hips collided. Frustration fuelled Toki, rather than the lust he expected. Why didn't this feel good? How would he even finish, like this? What was the point, if even Skwisgaar didn't enjoy it?

Only feeding Toki's vexation, the fire extinguished and with it, the light in his brain responsible for any sort of interest tapped out. Heat rose in his neck and embarrassment seeped in as going soft forced him to stop. A chuckle from below in the long hush following only made it worse.

“I guess has beens a while for you, huh?”

“What?”

“Quick.”

“Oh.” Grasping at anything but the truth, Toki pulled out. He'd rather Skwisgaar thought he lasted less than a minute than _this_. “Sorries, um. . .lets me clean up and I blows you?”

“Shore.” Skwisgaar winced as he laid back down; Toki didn't stick around long enough to see beyond that, rushing for the bathroom. Therein, he rapidly completed the necessary chore and paced while steeling himself. Maybe this was like the first few days after Rosa stitched him, where he needed to power through the worst of it before things got better. Still, he didn't want to talk to Skwisgaar about it. The doctor had told him upon diagnosing him with diabetes that erectile dysfunction might eventually come into play, but Toki thought he had _years_. Why did something like this need to cheat him of further time?

Head down, Toki slipped under the blankets. Skwisgaar was slick enough for easy admission of his fingers; pressing them against his prostate while taking the head of Skwisgaar's cock past his lips brought trembling fingers into his hair. While he concentrated on the mechanics of giving head, Toki dissociated further from any enjoyment Skwisgaar displayed. How _weird_ , that this could do something for anyone. Was that all sex was, at the end of the day? Just people trying to get things or partners between their legs in hopes that it might all rub the right way?

Toki zoned out enough for cum to catch him by surprise. By sheer luck alone did he avoid choking. He didn't want to swallow, but every second he sat with it feeding through his mouth pushed him closer to gagging. Pulling a face he hoped Skwisgaar didn't see in his blissful aftermath, Toki forced it down.

Skwisgaar sighed as they settled together at eye-level. “I'ves missed dis.”

“Ja.” Toki kissed a pale cheek. “I loves you.”

“Också.”

Surely, Skwisgaar couldn't miss that something was wrong. His extensive experience with sex had to mean something. As Toki wrapped his arms around him, pressed up to the man's back, he couldn't surrender to fatigue if he wanted. Lack of snores from Skwisgaar indicated similar sentiment. 


	70. Predawn

Unable to sleep through the entire night, Toki kept opening his eyes to see a different lay of the moonlight across Skwisgaar's floor. His mind placed him initially at Francisco's. Anxiety would well up in his chest, then sparse decoration and stone walls would reinstate reality. Familiar mountains out the window relaxed Toki enough to curl back up against the bed's second body.

Near dawn, his cautious movements failed to allow Skwisgaar sleep. A stretch and slow inhale preceded aimless reach. Toki's eyelids fluttered open again with a squeeze of his hip. “Everyt'ing ams okay?”

“I thinks I's still wired.”

“Coulds be.”

“Ands you?”

“Weird dreams, but ot'ers dan dat ams all right. Definitely sleepings in.”

Skwisgaar squirmed with a kiss to his collarbone. The beginning patches of Toki's fu manchu brushed oddly, which he repeated with a sly smile. “I didn'ts think you were ticklish.”

“Just when you does it likes dat.” A chuckling Skwisgaar counteracted disappointment from the night before, in Toki's mind. It was a start, anyway. “Okay, quits it before you makes me have to gets up and pee.”

“Sorry.” Toki squeezed him instead. “Shoulds I let you go back to sleep?”

“I don'ts know. . .” Skwisgaar rolled over to face him. “I likes when we do dis.”

“Talks in the middle of the night?”

“Ja. Ams differensk, I don'ts know.”

Without care if the quality of Skwisgaar's breath degraded through the night, Toki touched their lips together. “I thinks that's about as romantics as you get.”

“Whats you mean?”

“Never saws you as a very romantics person, but I loves it when you's comfortable enough to allows a littles bit.”

“I. . .hm.” Skwisgaar pursed his lips. “I guess nots. Does workings to get it intoside someones count?”

“No.”

“Den I guess not, huh? Does you wish I was?”

“Nots really. I knews already how you ares, and I wouldn'ts want anything abouts you to change. Honestlies, I thinks if you ever did some bigs romantic gesture, I wouldn'ts even knows what to do. I's pretty goods on dishings it out, but not so much on receivings it.”

“Some peoples feel unappreskated if dat ams de case, though. And you've saids dat I takes and takes, and you gots not'ing lefts to gives. What happened to dat?”

“You _does_ give, elskling. Is just a differents way than old Toki.” Attempt to explain it trailed him off. Nothing much changed in their dynamic from before the road trip, and yet. . . _everything_ had. “I guess because I's givings myself to my boyfriends rathers than feeding a void, it finally mean something. I gets a response from yous. You's taking it nots just for you, but because you gets it from Toki. Is that its?”

“Coulds be,” Skwisgaar agreed. “Ams just what work for us, I guess. What does I do dat make you happy? Ams important to me dat dis amn'ts a one-way street.”

“I thinks has to do partlies with that. I haves a lot to gives, and now you accepts it rathers than just takes it. It validates me. Alls I ever wanted was someones that wouldn'ts push me away with a _pff_ or a fucks off. You makes me feels like I matters just by comings around and touchings base, by askings how my day went. . .stuffs like that.” Toki paused. “It sound stupid just to says, but I don'ts really know hows to put it into words. I feels exclusive withs you, evens though you still gots your sluts. I guess I reallies don't need much compareds to what I put out. Is mores important to me to makes the guy I loves happy. Seeings you happy makes _me_ happy.”

“I don'ts want dis to be unevens.”

“Whats is unevens about us both getting what we needs?”

Skwisgaar conceded with a half-shrug and smile. “So. . .speakings of me touchings base and whatevers. Ams we goings to talks about last night?”

Cold washed through Toki, failing to undermine sweat of similar grade. “Whats about it?”

“Was de forst times you fucked since—you knows. How was it?”

“You was theres,” Toki hedged.

“And?”

“Is hards to talks about. I didn'ts want that to happen.” Toki couldn't bring himself to rectify Skwisgaar's ignorance toward the truth. “I don'ts want you to think has anythings to does with you. You haves no idea how badlies I wanteds it to be great. I'd been thinkings about it since we were ons the Dethkopter. When it cames down to it though, I just. . .sucked.”

“I know it gots not'ing to does wit' me, and ams normal to be fruskrateds. Dat kind of t'ing doesn'ts fuck up how you cares about someone, but it fucks up how you can shows it.”

“Is so annoyings, because I can'ts even remember what happen. I literallies just wokes up different one day. Is the most frustratings thing in the world.” Toki averted his gaze as an influx of emotion pounded his lungs and heart. “Ugh, and I hates that I get so fucked up overs it. Why shoulds this matter so much? I don'ts remember it, I's healed up, so why dids it change me? How coulds they steal me away from myself?”

“Rape ams about power, remembers. Dey shattereds de idea dat you can'ts be invadeds or taken over. Dey make it seems like just an illusion.”

“Skwis, I don'ts want to deal with this,” Toki whispered. “Things were just startings to get good for me. I was more in controls of my life than I's ever been. . .at least befores Raina cames along. I just wants to be me again. I wants to be normal.”

“I don'ts wish to be de bearers of bad news, but you amn'ts ever de same porson you was before somet'ing like dat happen. Howevers, dere ams a crossroads you will take, where you eithers choose to lets that beats you or you goes 'you know whats? Maybes dat happened, but it wasn'ts anyt'ing I could helps and therefore it amn'ts my faults. I amn'ts going to let dat runs or ruins my life, because I gots better t'ing to does.' Ams a journey though, I amn'ts going to lie. De good t'ing am dat you wills be a stronger porson for overcomings it.”

“How much I gots to overcomes in my life befores I's strong enough, Skwis? Why does bad things keep happenings to me? Maybes I's been figurings out all this stuffs about my dad and Magnus and whatnots, but why _this?_ At least nothings worse could happen.” Toki cringed. “I shouldn'ts even thinks that because every times I think nothings else _could_ goes wrong, it does.”

“Toki. . .” Skwisgaar fingered his hair with a sigh. “You ams de strongest porson I know. I don'ts know hows you've dealts wit' _anyt'ing._ Maybes dat all weigh down on you sometime and you feels like you am beings crushed, but you am stills here kicking ass and dat counts for everyt'ing.”

“Shuts up, you's gonna make me cry.”

“ _Pff_ , you wants to feels bad about cryings? I t'inks I ams de winner in dis bed for beings de crybaby.”

Laughter bubbled out on a choke as Toki pulled Skwisgaar into a hug. Despite how hard he tried, a combination of the overwhelming road ahead and gratitude for not having to walk it alone pooled some moisture in the corners of his eyes. “Might sounds weird to says, but I loves that you's not scareds to cries.”

“Amn'ts dat. I just can'ts help it sometimes.”

“Thats is just too sweet.”

“Ams pathetics.”

“No no no,” Toki corrected him with a kiss to the temple. “Is nice to knows you gots feelings, and all that.”

“ _Pff_.”

“I's kiddings.” Emotional concealment only went so far with Toki, anymore. He picked up too well on the barest physical cues. “But ifs I could be serious again, for a minutes.”

Skwisgaar propped up on an elbow, offering his full attention.

“I wants to brings it back to last night.” Since Skwisgaar understood and lacked judgement, Toki loosened up. Not enough to discuss the biggest issue at hand, though. “Is a weirds place to be in, because no matters what happened, I still wants to have sex with you. I love spendings time with you likes this and all, but. . .”

“Dis happenings doesn'ts make sex any less importants to you. Ams okay to say dat you needs more dan we ams currently gettings out of each other.”

“Speakings of which, is okay for _you_ to says that too. I know sex is evens more important to you than me.” Concession ended Toki's digression. “I's just not sure what to does. Nothing's changed about whats I want, like you saids, but when I goes to does it, well, stuff likes last night happen.”

“We does what you needs to. Althoughs, I gots to puts a line at stickings me dat fast. Dat hort.”

“Sorries.” Toki slumped. “I didn'ts mean to.”

“Ams hard when you fruskrateds and norvous.” A smile and tap to the underside of Toki's chin conveyed forgiveness. “Maybes we need to takes it slower. Comes here.”

Toki took up the invited position between slender legs. While Skwisgaar left his underwear to their own device somewhere in the blankets after they messed around, Toki himself had put his boxers and tee shirt back on. Dislike for material between them didn't incite him to remove them, at least not yet.

“Don'ts t'ink about fuckings. Coulds happen if you wants to, but concentrates on dis.” Skwisgaar skimmed his fingertips over Toki's sides. “What woulds feels goods to you, rights now?”

Maybe it was juvenile compared to everything else they'd ever done, but rubbing their noses together seemed a good place to start. With the graze of nails marking the other man's contentment, Toki further relaxed. No pressure of needing to satisfy—as well as being given control of the situation—concentrated Toki instead on obtaining some semblance of their former tenderness. Even if this couldn't be as intense as they'd proven themselves capable, lack of trepidation meant the world to him.

“Ifs I touch you, ares I teasing you?”

“Does whatever you wants. Ifs I get torned on and you amn'ts ready to does anyt'ing abouts it, I just takes care of it.”

“You sure?”

“Nots like I nevers fondled my junk befores.”

Toki chuckled, mouth to Skwisgaar's neck. “Is quite the sights, I gotta says. I still thinks about the drive across Nevada.”

“I didn't t'ink it would leave such an impression.”

Teeth clipping sensitive skin jolted Skwisgaar into silence. More important than regaining the ability to get aroused, Toki sought reassurance that he could still inspire his lover toward that. A line of hickeys and lovebites brought smooth thighs to squeeze and rub against his hips; Skwisgaar roughly sighing injected a ghost of electricity down Toki's spine.

Maybe it was worth trying again. However, as soon as that thought entered Toki's mind, the nerves he tried to avoid resurfaced. A deep breath with reminder that Skwisgaar didn't expect it passed them along. To complicate matters, appreciation for that brought the wish for sexual engagement right back. While he mouthed one of Skwisgaar's nipples, the man's hips refused to stay still. Skwisgaar pressing up against him progressed to bucks when Toki gently spread precum over the head of his cock.

“Dis ams anot'er t'ing I likes about wakings up toget'er in de middle of de night,” Skwisgaar murmured as Toki reacquainted with his lips. “Cans I touch you?”

“Um. . .” Although hard, Toki didn't trust it yet. He wasn't ready either, for Skwisgaar to know about his difficulty. “Just waits. Maybe.”

Skwisgaar helped Toki remove his tee shirt, tossing it onto the floor. His gaze followed fingertips over his torso. “How ams you doing?”

“Is hard to tell. I gets nervous, then I's okay again.”

“Just remembers dat you ams in control.”

“It helps.” Skin to skin definitely trumped cotton separating them, drawing a smile out of Toki. “Thanks you for being so understandings about this. I don'ts have any idea how I woulds figure this out if you weren'ts doing it with me.”

Skwisgaar kissed his nose. “Ams de least I coulds do.”

“Hardlies. This is a bigs deal to me.”

“I amn'ts all dat great at sayings 'you ams welcome', I admits.”

“That didn'ts come out too badly.”

“I means dat sayings it, I always feel like. . .I ams doing favours? I don'ts know.”

“Nah. You's just beings a good boyfriend.”

Toki wound up unable to consummate the deed, leading him to step into the bathroom so that Skwisgaar could do whatever he needed. Leaned against the counter, he poked his erection. Maybe he ought to have tried this on his own first, before jumping back into bed with his partner. Alone, there definitely wasn't any pressure.

A knock came at the door. “I'ms done, whenevers you ready to comes back to bed.”

“Uh huh.” Feeling the need to hurry up pressed Toki's lips together; however, Skwisgaar would more than likely rather he did this for himself. Right? He wouldn't get mad that Toki got him all riled up and then forced their separation?

It didn't feel as good as it used to, but finishing presented an accomplishment in its own right. Anxiety trailed Toki into the bedroom, where Skwisgaar lifted his head from the pillow. “Well?”

“Nots much to writes home abouts.”

“Couldn'ts do it?”

“No, I dids. Just. . .” Toki shrugged.

“Gives it time. I ams proud of you, though.”

“Thanks.” Lack of resentment brought upon another wave of appreciation, in Skwisgaar's arms. “You's been so goods for this. I promise, whens I gets better, I's gonna make this _so_ worths your while.”

“As intereskeds as I ams to finds out what dat mean, you don'ts owe me anyt'ing, älskling.”

“We finds out. Goes to sleep, ja?” 


	71. Concomitant

Enveloped in soft blankets in a place Toki deemed safe, sleep came hard and heavy. The next time he roused, sunlight replaced the moon. Guitar strings plucked nearby.

“Your finger sound differents,” Toki remarked.

“De skin softens up on my fingers whiles we were gone. Morgen, by de way.”

“Ja.” Rather than tend to his bladder, Toki curled up closer. His head situated at the edge of the mattress as he casually watched Skwisgaar reacquaint with his preferred instrument. “Goods to get backs at it?”

“I guess. Tryings not to t'ink about work. I'm shores dat as soon as Nat'an and Pickle ams awake I'll heads for de studio.”

“You thinks they's gonna wanna works with hangovers?”

“Hm, maybes not.”

Toki couldn't see himself getting out of this bed, as far ahead as he planned. His eyelids grew heavy under the hypnotic spell of Skwisgaar's fingers. As sleep became yet again a liable option, a soft knock came at the door.

“I cans get it. “Skwisgaar offered when Toki threw the blanket off himself. He detoured to the dresser for a pair of jeans. “Ams probably Nat'an, anyway.”

“Or Charles, with our new phones.”

Turned out to be neither; past Skwisgaar's tall form, Abigail stood in the doorway. “Hey, hope I'm not bothering you. I'm looking for Toki. Have you seen him today, by any chance?”

“Uhh. . .”

Skwisgaar stepped aside, looking back helplessly. As Toki and Abigail's gazes met, heat flushed through his cheeks. Having certainly slept past a reasonable hour to rise, he should've expected Abigail to come searching. “Hey!”

He scrambled off Skwisgaar's bed, thankful that he'd pulled his tee shirt back on during the night. Still, walking alongside Abigail in his boxers felt like giving away far too much information. “Cans we go bys my room? I shoulds put some pants on.”

“Sure.”

As the silence turned awkward, Toki wet his lips fitfully. “I'm sorries about that. I haven'ts got my phone yet, so no clock. I meants to come find you probablies way earlier than this.”

“It's okay, Toki. I just got up too.”

“What times is it, anyway?”

“Eleven, or so.”

“I guess isn'ts too bad.” Time wasn't Toki's concern, really; finding him in Skwisgaar's room gave him away before he could properly tell her. Or did she find it innocent, given his and Skwisgaar's affinity toward palling around? Not to mention, she understood completely how confinement incited codependence. With that pre-established between him and Skwisgaar, maybe she determined it only intensified in their trip's wake. Did she feel it threatened their friendship? Did she fear that Toki going through something similar with someone he now dated undermined their own experience?

Inside his room, Abigail took a seat on the edge of his bed. Toki jumped into a pair of jeans as quickly as he could. “Where dids you wants to go, for this?”

“In here should be fine, no?”

“Oh—yeah, I guess.” Toki pulled his desk chair over, resuming it backwards and resting his chin on his forearms with a sigh. “I'm sorries I's so scatter-brained. I really don'ts want this to turns into a fight, and I feel so terribles that I scareds you like that. I don'ts want to lose you as a friends.”

“I don't want to lose you either, sweetie. For a little while there, I was terrified I had.”

“Is one of my biggest regrets about the whole thing.” Toki mumbled, toeing the floor. “You obviouslies know already that me and Skwisgaar rans away to start. We nevers even meant for a road trip to happen. Well, _I_ didn'ts, anyway. It all starteds as a drive into Mordland because he was havings a bad night. I fells asleep, and when I wokes up we were in Connecticuts.

“It was just supposed to be funs. We were goings to try to see how fars we could get, and was easies to get wrapped up in losings Charles' trail. Was all a game. It wasn'ts until we was on the west coast that we wondereds if we shoulds evens go back. Nots gonna lie, we hads this dumb idea that we could somehow stops being famous. Afters living under so much pressure for so long, you gots no _clue_ how goods it felt to escapes for just a little while. Was mores than a vacation. I coulds actually sleep. I wasn'ts as anxious.” Toki paused. “I guess you don'ts really know how much is on your shoulders untils you so desperate to gets away, you can actually starts to imagine makings the sacrifice to keeps it possible.

“I know how selfish I sounds. I totallies admit it. Honestlies though, I knews I wouldn'ts ever be able to goes any significants amount of time without missings you or the other guys enough to calls. Maybe me and Skwisgaar talkeds about how nice beings regular jack-offs would be, but what we planned to does was drives to Tampa and then comes back up here. I guess we didn'ts really worry what anyone thought because it shoulds has been obvious that we rans.”

“It was,” Abigail conceded, “but you know as well as I do what kind of dangers are out there. Even if we could imagine you guys having fun, we knew what was going to eventually happen. You and I went through this together already, Toki. How could you not expect it?”

“We thoughts about it. . .is why Skwisgaar has brown hair. Mine _was_ black, but it already fadeds. I gots to grow my fu manchu back.” Toki rubbed his face. “We kepts mostly to ourselves. The only reasons the guys that tooks us knew who we weres is because we fucked up in Vegas. Gots in a fight in a bar, where they overheards.”

“I guess I understand why you did it,” Abigail hesitated to say, “but it doesn't make it any easier to think about. It doesn't fix how worried I was. I wish you would've at least called _me_. If you'd told me to keep it a secret, I would've.”

Toki raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Well. . .okay. I wanted you home. I probably would've told. I would've been right to, wouldn't I?”

“In hindsight, ja. Ifs Charles showed up where we weres though, I woulds has been mad. We didn'ts think about anything bads happening, since we'd gotten so fars without it. Ifs we thought we were in any serious dangers, we woulds has came home.”

“That's not even really the issue here, Toki. I understand all that, that's fine. I'm not hearing any concern for _why_ I was so worried, though. After what we went through together with Magnus, how could you even _dream_ to disappear like that? How could you not think about what my mind would immediately go to?”

“I never saids it wasn't selfish, and I don'ts wish to justifies it. Likes I said, I regrets it completely. In parts I wish he and I nevers went, but was what we neededs at the time.” Toki's heart pounded at the prospect of bringing up the resultant coupling they underwent. “And. . .I was a littles distracted, too. The whole things with Ludwig happened and, well, isn'ts like me and Skwisgaar was just drivings and pallings around the whole time.”

“Oh?”

“We kinds of wound up hooking up.” Toki's smile rapidly disappeared, with a purse of Abigail's lips. “Which—I didn'ts really expects that, either.”

Sighing, she ran her hands back through her hair. “I don't really know how to feel right now, Toki. I can't say that I don't get why you ran off, and even though I've got my own reservations about Skwisgaar, I can understand that too. It just doesn't make things automatically okay. I'm still really hurt over this, and mad that the last month of my life has been an absolute wreck. Maybe that's selfish too, but I thought we were better friends than this.”

“You saids you understand why we wents, though.”

“Doesn't mean it was a good idea. Look what eventually happened, Toki. Do you have any idea what it was like, just _waiting_ for bad news? Nathan had to pick me up from my place because I was such a nervous wreck when they found your car in Las Vegas. Not only that, he had to take me to the doctor for something to calm me down. I've been pretty much drunk and useless, the past two weeks.”

“There was nothings I could do, after that point. Whens we're on more solids ground I'll tells you about what happened afters Las Vegas, but I warns you that it was a massive mindfuck.” Guilt curdled Toki's guts to the point where he could no longer meet Abigail's gaze. “Was ats that point that I realized what a bigs mistake we mades. I wanteds to come home so badly, because reality set in and it wasn'ts a game no more. I'm really sorries, Abigail, that me being stressed out cames before our friendship. I wish that me needings a break didn't mean you hads to go through that. I hopes that someday you cans forgive me for being such a stupids guy.”

“Don't get me wrong Toki, I'm so, so happy you're here right now. I'm so relieved you made it home. I need to wean myself off these stupid pills so that I can start figuring out where I'm actually at, emotionally. I haven't been able to feel much of anything lately.” Head bowed, the corners of Abigail's mouth pulled downward. “I hope this doesn't seem like I'm guilt-tripping you. I know you already feel bad.”

“I haves to deal with the damage I did. You needs to gets this out, and I don'ts want anything unsaids between us. You means the world to me.”

“Just promise me one thing. Two things, actually. One, that you'll never do this again. And two, that in the event you ever _did_ step down from the spotlight, I still have a place in your life.”

“You haves my word. I's never leaving you or anyone else behinds like that again.” Feeling some semblance of closure, Toki ached to hug her again. “Can I come sits by you?”

With his arms around her and face buried in thick black curls, Toki sniffled. “No matters what happen, I's always going to considers you one of my best friends. It wouldn'ts even matter if we didn'ts talk for a millions year. It don'ts matter to me who we's datings or where our work takes us. This is special and isn'ts going nowhere.”

“I hope so, because I'm not ready to give you up yet. Not even if sometimes you're the dumbest lump of a human being that's ever existed.”

“Is what you signs up for, when you's friends with Toki.” Toki matched her squeeze with a kiss to the temple. “Ares we okay enoughs to go outs for pizza, or something?”

“I could eat,” she confirmed. “Are you sure you want to leave Mordhaus, though? You might not even be allowed.”

“Psh, I cans do whatevers I want.” Although, that probably wouldn't be true, after detouring to Charles' office. “But I shoulds ask anyway. Is gonna be a touchy subjects for a while, me leavings without tellings nobody. I bets Charles already upped security.”

“You're damn right you're not going anywhere without telling anyone.” Abigail shoved him as they stepped out into the hallway. “I'm serious about it too, if you ever drop off the face of the planet again, I will find you for the sole purpose of putting you in the ground.”

“Gots it. I haves no intentions of doings it.” However begrudged Toki was about being driven back, ultimately he was happy. He truly had missed Abigail, the other guys, and his home. As he traversed the corridors separating his room from Charles' business quarters, he rediscovered wonder in the most menial aspects of Mordhaus' architecture and decor. Every klokateer earned a spirited greeting. Jean-Pierre nearly fell over when given a one-armed hug.

After a short rap of the knuckles to Charles' office door, Toki poked his head in. Even though the man sat on the phone, an inviting wave brought Toki and Abigail to resume the seats before his desk.

“I'm on hold at the moment,” Charles explained his call's silence. “What did you need?”

“We wants to goes out for pizza. Is thats okay?” Toki carried on when Charles' blank expression didn't change. “We'll takes a klokateer escort if you wants.”

“I would appreciate that.” Charles softened with the offer. “Also, before you do, I have your new phone here. I haven't had the chance to track Skwisgaar down yet, either. Could you take this to him, before you go?”

“Ja, whatevers you want. Does we gots numbers and everything?”

“Same ones you had before.”

“Okay, cools! Thanks you, Charles!

“You don'ts mind, does you? Poppings in on him real quicklies?” Toki asked. Now that the conversation they needed to have about his sudden disappearance passed, surely Abigail would ask the same questions that Toki had, when she announced her relationship with Nathan.

“Not at all, sweetie.”

Skwisgaar hadn't moved from where Toki left him. Surprisingly still wearing pants, he perked behind his Thunderhorse with a small smile. Toki could've laughed when, as he caught sight of Abigail, his expression gravitated toward the mask of indifference generally adorned around anyone else.

“Me and Abigails is goings out for lunch,” Toki announced. “Charles wanteds me to gives you this on my way out.”

“T'anks.” With another uncertain glance at Abigail, Skwisgaar cleared his throat. “Uh. . .haves fun.”

“Plans on it. I comes and finds you when I gets back? Haves you been bugged by Nathans or Pickle, yet?”

“I'm stills here, amn'ts I?” One corner of Skwisgaar's mouth twitched upward. “Am stills too early for dem, probablies.”

“Nathan crawled in around six,” Abigail confirmed. “I think you're safe for a while. If you want, I can try to convince him to give you a chance to settle in before the nagging begins.”

“ _Pff_ , he am so stubborns. Ams okay, you don'ts have to. But t'anks you for de offer.”

Skwisgaar's ungainliness submerged Toki all over again into a bucket of emotion. It took everything he possessed to hold back on kissing the top of his head, for Abigail's sake. “Anyways, text me if you likes. We gots the same numbers as before.”

“I mights. Don'ts reallies want to bother you.”

“Psh, don't starts with that. It don'ts matter if you's too busy, though. I sees you later?”

“Mhm.”

With a wink, Toki departed with Abigail in tow. Whatever affection he and Skwisgaar couldn't indulge in then, they'd make up for it. “Isn'ts he so cute?”

She chuckled. “The most awkward man alive, more like.” 


	72. Toast

Well-formed habit kept pushing Toki to inquire about everything that had gone on in Abigail's life since the last time they properly caught up. Did she really want to talk about it, though? Could they even avoid it, if Toki willed for them to get past it? He had no right to ignore it, nor did he want to for the sake of clean air between them. While they at least established a starting point, they'd settled nothing.

“How's works been?” Toki asked as they settled in the backseat of a car. “Haves you beens doing that, or. . .?”

“Not really, no. Damien's been giving me hell for it, but he can go suck a fat one.”

“He isn'ts the most sympathetic person evers.”

“Working under him is a pain in the ass on the best of days, never mind when I actually _need_ the time off. I haven't even taken a vacation or a sick day for well over a year. Actually, I shouldn't say that, Nathan and I _did_ go to Aruba. . .”

“Is likes you say, though. You's entitled to time off. Has he beens bugging you?” Toki wished his selfishness hadn't incited tension between Abigail and her boss.

“He wanted to know where I was at in coming back, and I think he suspected I knew more than what Charles had told him about the whole situation.” Abigail shrugged. “Last week, I finally told him _I'd_ call when I was ready. He called back not long after, but Nathan beat me to my phone. After _he_ talked to Damien, I haven't been bothered since.”

“Whats did Nathan say?”

“Basically the same thing. That I'd be in contact when I was ready, and that he should put as little stress on me as possible, since I'm not expendable. Then. . .well, you know Nathan. 'You call her again and I'll come over there to punch you.'”

Toki snorted. “Sounds like him, ja.”

“So the moral of the story is, sometimes it's nice to let your boyfriend stand up for you. Ugh, I really don't know how I would've navigated the past month without him.”

“Has he beens behaving himself?”

“Very much so.” Abigail tucked some hair behind her ear, turning her face to hide a splash of colour across her cheekbones. “Sometimes I think that we'll never be able to be more than a casual couple, since honestly, there are things he does that I don't care for. I wish he'd drink less, for starters. This last month though, he's really pulled through for me. He told me that when you guys get home he was definitely going to welcome you back the proper way—as he put it—but other than that, he's kept it to just a couple beers with Pickles and Murderface in the hot tub a couple nights a week.”

“Maybes that was just whiles we were gone, though.” Abigail expressed extreme annoyance in past regarding Nathan's juvenile behaviours. His drinking slowed down since they started dating, although policing himself in presence of four other drinkers didn't work. Sometimes Toki felt bad about _that_ too, even if Nathan never needed encouragement to crack another bottle.

“Guess we'll find out, huh?” Abigail sighed. “I don't know. . .sometimes I wonder just what I've signed up for with him, but then he does something like this and I can't help but feel validated for sticking it out. I never thought I'd date an alcoholic, and I certainly didn't think I'd fall in love with one.”

“Nathans is kind of stupids. He's definitely betters when he has a girlfriend.” In past, Toki had done his part in attempt to corrupt that. He, Skwisgaar, Pickles, and Murderface never much cared for the whipped sack of miserability Nathan became when in a relationship. Toki of course would never consider that now, and maybe similar sentiment from the other guys meant that they'd matured since Nathan dated Rebecca. They even managed to hold back on actively derailing the train-wreck that was him and Trindle.

Being overly-supportive, like when Nathan brought Rachel home to meet them, tended to wind up just as destructive. As result, an unspoken agreement between Dethklok meant they left well alone. Toki only broke it as far as to express initial concern when Abigail and he first got together. He loved both her and Nathan on their own, but their relationship made it tricky. Objectivity became twice as crucial, lest he accidentally pick sides.

“It's so confusing to me, because whenever I call him after the day's done, it's all he's up to. 'Just having a couple drinks with the guys.' Is it because I'm not around enough? Whenever I am, he's fine. We got a little tipsy one night out in Oranjestad, but he never puts alcohol before me when we're together. He barely touched the stuff this last month.”

“Haves you ever talked to him about it?”

“Not really. . .it doesn't affect me when I'm not there, although sometimes I'm disappointed that I can't talk to him on the phone, at night. I won't bother, if he's slurring.”

“I don'ts blame you.” Toki pat her hand.

“And then, when I'm around, it doesn't matter because he's attentive. He actually kind of spoils me.” Abigail chuckled. “So it's a weird situation. Do I back off, because of how he acts when I'm not around? I mean, I know he's faithful and that I can't expect him to be sober a hundred percent of the time. I work abroad too much to justify leashing him too tightly.”

“He's stills your boyfriend. If he wants to be thats for you, he needs to understands that some kind of standards apply. I tells you as someone that hangs out with him on a nearlies daily basis though, he doesn'ts get drunk as much as he used to. Me, him, and Skwisgaar's all been slowings down these past few year. Nathans especiallies, since you guys been datings. We still drinks, still gets drunk together, but is rarely black-out drunk. Like Skwisgaar saids, we's all kinda gettings too old for its.”

“It's okay that I talk with you about this, right?” Abigail asked. “Generally I try not to make you get involved with me and him, especially since I haven't really ever been sure about what's going to come of it.”

“Is totallies fine.” In Toki's experience, two people with any sort of feelings between each other could only be casual for so long. “I always kinds of thought you didn't because I hads a couple thing to says about it, when you and him started seeings each other.”

“I'm. . .in that position, now.”

“What does you mean?”

“I want to preface this conversation by saying that I have a theory,” Abigail started. “And be honest, if this is how you feel too. I don't want to assume. For me though, I'll admit I'm protective. It's really hard for me to imagine that anyone's good enough for you.”

“You don'ts like me and Skwisgaar together?”

Toki frowned, but how could he shit on her right to express her opinion? He'd said the exact same thing, when she brought Nathan to _him_. Besides, confidence in his and Skwisgaar's relationship tapered potential offence.

“Don't worry about that yet, sweetie. Am I on the mark, about your concern with me and Nathan?”

All considering, Toki wound up nodding. “It wasn'ts ever that I thoughts it made you weak. He cans be so dense sometimes, and I'd seens him with his other girlfriends. You's right about him being faithful. Hims being dense work in his case, for that. I don'ts think he can even fathom cheatings on his girlfriend, you knows?”

“What was he like, with his other girlfriends?”

“A doormat, but that cans be misinterpreteds as dedicated I guess, dependings on who he's with. You don'ts treat him like Rebecca used to, and you's not so passives that he lose interest. Is a goods balance.”

“I'm really excited now to see what's going to happen with us, going forward.”

The car pulling into the parking lot for Primordial Pizza put a break in the conversation. With it, as they waited in line to order with their shoulders hunched to avoid rubbing up against fellow participants in the lunch rush, Toki nervously churned over every potential concern Abigail might harbour about Skwisgaar. As someone that valued monogamy, would she see their open relationship as markedly inferior? Should Toki mention that quite yet, or give it time to sink in that they'd gotten together in the first place?

Abigail sipped her fountain drink as they found a place to sit. Thankfully, their escort chose to occupy a table elsewhere and keep a distant eye. Murmuring crowds offered a different type of veil, for privacy. “So.”

“Mhm?” Toki popped a piece of pineapple into his mouth.

“Skwisgaar, huh?”

“Was there anythings you wanteds to know? Because if you gets me talkings freely about him, I's gonna gush for hours.”

“It's good, then?”

“Really goods. More thans I coulds has ever expecteds. I don'ts think I's being unrealistics about it, either. I knows what it feel like, to deludes myself about him. This isn'ts like that. We's both been honest abouts what we expects and we sees it eye to eye, so all else that matters is that we loves each other.”

“You're already at that point?”

“I's hads my eye on him fors a while,” Toki admitted. “Shoulds I has told you first that I even likes guys?”

“Doesn't matter now, does it?”

Toki returned a playful bump of the shoulder with one in kind. “Whats is it, that you's worried about?”

“I want to believe that this is the same sort of situation that we faced when Nathan and I got together, except that our positions are switched. It wouldn't matter _who_ you dated, because I'd still consider you my precious baby brother that no one's ever allowed to hurt or else I'll skin them alive.”

Toki clutched his scrunched-up nose, coughing. “Don't says things like that when I's drinking! I got sodas in my nose.”

“Sorry.” Abigail rubbed his back. “I do have some concerns about Skwisgaar, though. You give so much, and he's. . .well. He's Skwisgaar.”

“He gives me what I needs.”

“He's got to offer more than sucking your dick.”

“Abigail!”

She giggled as his coughing rose an octave with growing force. “I'm sorry, from what I know of him, his life revolves around the bedroom.”

“Is a bigs part of it, I won'ts lie. But he's capables of more. If he wasn'ts, we woulds has drawn the line at foolings around. I was perfectly contents to fuck him. Sorrys to be franks.”

“Let's be honest, there are times when one really can't care about much else.”

That would definitely sum up the first few weeks of Toki and Skwisgaar's relationship. If Toki didn't have his dick inside Skwisgaar, he was thinking about it. As soon as Toki worked through the issues that came up between then and now, he anticipated a second-wind. “Is true, and is hards not to gets caught up in that with him. We talks a lot too though, and just pals around. I considers it nots much different than any others relatesingip.”

“Does he treat you all right?”

Unable to suppress a grin, Toki's hand found purchase against his chest. “Likes you wouldn'ts believe. He's been _so_ goods to old Toki. He makes me feel likes the most important person in the whole worlds.”

“That's all that really matters to me.” Abigail took a bite of her pizza. “So long as you're happy, getting what you need, and he isn'ts a jackass.”

“Thanks you. You reallies have no ideas how goods this has been for me. The last few weeks, when we was being shuttleds around between Las Vegas and Mexicos, he tooks care of me as much as I tooks care of him. You remembers what is like. He and I didn't go through quites the same what you and I did, but was enough. I honestly mights not has made it back, if nots for him.”

“Actually?”

“I's not quite ready to talks about it yet, but ja.” Especially not here. When Toki told Abigail, they'd need utmost privacy. Even Skwisgaar knowing about his attack, during minute fits of anxiety, was still too much sometimes. “He's such a differents guy than how he acteds when we gaves him his phone. I rolls my eyes that no ones will ever sees him the same ways I get to, but that also makes this so much more special.”

“I've always just written him off as impermeable.”

“For the most part, he is. Not so much with me, anymores.” Toki happily sighed. “I really does love him, Abigail. Thanks you for not teasings me about it, likes the other guys did. I knows there's things about him that would turns other people off, but I takes everything goods and bad abouts him and I loves all of it. I wouldn'ts change anything, because then it isn't Skwisgaar I's datings no more.”

“Since we're on the subject of sex. . .” Abigail smiled. “You know I have to ask. He's not exactly someone I'd expect to commit, that way.”

“He doesn'ts. Is okay.” Having grown used to a certain degree of anonymity in public, Toki lowered his voice. Maybe now, since he and Skwisgaar had earned such spotlight with their disappearance and subsequent return (given that Charles had even announced that, yet), he'd earn quick attention. Until he and Skwisgaar had the chance to talk about how they would handle their relationship in the public's face, he should've maybe picked a more private place to hold this conversation. “I actually thinks it really neats that he cans find something beautifuls about everyone. Besides, maybes I kepts up to him for that first bits, but couldn'ts last forever.”

Abigail raised an eyebrow. “Hm.”

“I's fine with it. Really,” he assured her with a touch to the shoulder. “We haves rules about it and he's respectfuls to me. He puts me first. They's nothing except an orgasms to him. I woulds be more concerned if he felts toward them like he feel towards me, but that isn't something that happens very easy for him.”

“Well. . .I guess it's your business. You understand you're going to feel jealous sometimes, right?”

“Psh, ja. We talks about this too. It isn'ts like he just say, 'okays Toki, I ams going to go falls into a pile of sluts now, sees you laters.'” Near-perfect imitation of Skwisgaar's voice sent Abigail into giggles. “He wouldn'ts do it unless I saids it was okay, and meants it. And you know what's really cools about it? When he gets back from whatever he was doings, he's all lazy and sweet. So attentives, too. The best boyfriend you coulds ask for.”

“Hey.” Abigail lifted her nearly empty cup. “Let's toast something good that came out of all this. To Nathan and Skwisgaar, two surprisingly good men. Skwisgaar's going to be on probation with me until one of us dies, but that's only because I expect the best for my baby brother.”

Toki tapped his drink against hers with a grin. Likewise, in Nathan's case. “To Nathans and Skwis.” 


	73. Q-Tips

_'Hei :)'_

While Toki waited for Abigail to use the restroom following their meal, he remembered with a jolt that he carried a cell phone again. Separation from Skwisgaar made him anxious. After a month of keeping within sight of each other, merely trusting in Skwisgaar's safety would come after an adjustment. Aware he grinned like an idiot, Toki watched the screen for response. A simple _'Hej'_ caused his cheeks to ache.

_'Hows practicings? Seen any1 else yet??'_

_'No just pickle but he didnt say anything about doing that today'_

_'Is good, rite?'_

_'Ja I stops playing 4 a while. Checked in on my stables, got something to show u when u get back ;)'_

As far back as Toki could remember in texting Skwisgaar, the man _never_ used punctuation or emoticons. He took full credit for the shift. _'Is it ur dick'_

_'Could also b that'_

_'What is it then?'_

_'Surprise. U need 2 come back 2 see'_

_'haha k. Did u want me 2 bring u pizza? Is rly good 2day and they have peperony in the heat box'_

_'just ate but thx anywy'_

_'whatd u hve?'_

Leaned on his elbow, Toki watched the little grey boxes of text on Skwisgaar's side of the screen filter in as he described crossing paths with a typically-ill Pickles in the kitchen. Toki would've expected this story relayed to him before their road trip anyway; Pickles wound up vomiting in the middle of the kitchen floor, killing Skwisgaar's appetite. However, Toki never would've gotten as many details leading up to it, nor would he have even cared about Skwisgaar having to wait while a klokateer fetched fresh soy milk.

When the line leading to the women's washroom finally cleared up before Abigail, she leaned over the back of her chair. “You ready to go?”

Another five texts rolled in on Toki's phone between the table and car, burning his cheeks as Abigail clicked her tongue. “I never knew he was so chatty.”

“You underestimates how much he likes to talks about himself.”

“No, I assure you I don't.”

“I loves it. Nevers have to wonder what he thinkings about or beens up to. Feelings has always been a different story, but now I cans pretty much just looks at him and knows that. He's surprisingsly easy to read.” Although Toki wished to hear the rest of Skwisgaar's story, he tapped off a quick message stating that he and Abigail were on the move again and that he'd get in touch when they returned to Mordhaus. “So now thats me and Skwisgaar are homes, when's you goings back to work?”

“Probably tomorrow. I felt really bad to leave when I did, since I was just about finished with another group in the studio. Oh well. . .what do you do, right?”

“Aw, I don'ts want you to goes that soon!”

“Don't worry, I'll be back as soon as you boys are ready to record.” Abigail winked. “I'll spare you guys a hard time before I go, since I know Damien's going to more than make up for it. He's been insufferable for _everyone_ , while you were gone.”

Toki's mind drifted to Skwisgaar, again. Besides the pressure Skwisgaar put on himself, Damien piling it on would result immediately in grump-inducing stress. After considering giving Skwisgaar a head's up, Toki stowed his phone. For as long as possible, Skwisgaar should live in the dark about the hectic period to come. “I'll probablies be mostly out of dodge, at least for the writings part. Which is fines by me. I've got some of my own musics that I woulds like to take some time for.”

“Will you show me, when you're done?”

“Oh. . .maybes.” Like with Skwisgaar, Toki hesitated to show the product of what he considered a leisurely pursuit to a professional in the music field. “We'll sees how I feel about it.”

Unable to resist checking what Skwisgaar had said, nor to reacquaint with the piece of technology, Toki poked his tongue out as his phone returned from his pocket. “Hey, I don'ts remember your number off the tops of my head. Could you texts me with it?”

“Sure.” Abigail retrieved her own, then scoffed. “Goddamn it, Nathan.”

“Hm?” Toki peered over. A clumsy, inappropriate text made him laugh. “Wowie, such a smooths move.”

“Oh well. A-plus, for effort.” She tapped out a quick response, before her number popped up on Toki's screen. “I guess it _has_ been a little while. . .though I feel bad I've not been into it. Probably thanks to those stupid pills.”

“I don'ts thinks I evers had a problem, when I tooks them.” Twinkletits had lifted Toki's prescription around Christmas, deeming psychotherapy appropriate on its own as they tread the careful path back to his normalcy. Now, when Toki considered it, Twinkletits might want to put him back on them after his latest traipse out into the world. “Althoughs I remember beings told that mights happen.”

“I'm not sure when I'll see him again, so I might as well give it a shot.” Abigail shrugged. “Sucks to think of it that way, but who knows?”

“Is still possibles to enjoys it.” Toki hedged on detail, since on medication or not that too was his reality. “Is more important sometimes to just be with somebodies.”

“Exactly. Might as well tell him to make sure he's got condoms. Xanax and birth control don't mix for me apparently, so I had to go off for a bit. Turned me into a drooling blob.” Abigail chuckled as she tapped a text out. “Obviously you and Skwisgaar can't get pregnant, but you're safe, right?”

“Ja. He uses condoms with everyone else he sleeps with.”

Thumbs coming to a slow, Abigail's gaze rose to Toki. “ _And_ you?”

“I don't see whys is importants, when we beings careful about everyone else and he was cleans when we lefts Mordhaus. I mean. . .” Toki stopped, hot in the face and cold in the stomach. But there were a few times in their absence, that other people mixed in their pot.

With a fresh sigh, Abigail forgot her phone with the text to Nathan unfinished. “Goddamn it, Toki. Basic sexual health! You wear a condom, _especially when you're fucking Skwisgaar Skwigelf_.”

“Nots much to does about it now.”

“Maybe not, but as soon as we get back to Mordhaus, you're going to the doctor.”

“No!” Toki protested with a long groan. “Does you even knows what they does to you, for those kinds of tests? They—”

“Shove a Q-tip in your dick hole, I know. I held Nathan's hand through it all, when we first got together.” Abigail ran her fingers impersonally over Toki's neck, below his ear. “Your glands aren't swollen, at least. Have you had any flu-like symptoms? Fatigue? Burning when you go? Itchiness?”

“We caughts the flu in Monterrey, but wouldn'ts be the first time eithers of us get sick from visitings a new place. I's pretty sure I'm cleans. Me and hims has been goings at it for nearlies a month, so ifs I caught herpes or the claps, I shoulds know by now, right?”

“Not necessarily. Sometimes stuff takes a little while to show up, or you don't get symptoms at all. You and I will both feel better if you just go to the doctor.”

“ _You_ mights feel better.” Arms crossed, Toki slumped in his seat. “I trust Skwisgaar, though. Me and hims wents out to celebrate hims getting rids of herpes a whiles back and he saids even though they gots a shot for that now, he's goings to be careful.”

And yet. . .Toki's heart palpitated as possibilities powered deep clips on the inside of his bottom lip. However much he drank that night in Chicago, he'd seen all that jizz escape Skwisgaar. Surely, his rapists hadn't worn any condoms either.

Nausea overtook Toki. What if they gave him something, and he passed it along to Skwisgaar? Even if he didn't cum last night, he was still contagious. Ugh. . .like Toki needed something else to plague him, after the entire scenario. When did this truly end, if ever? What if, even after physically healing and facing the emotional aftermath, he still had some incurable disease picking away at his immune system?

“I guess whatevers I got, if me and Skwis gots the same thing, we still don'ts really have to worry about safe sex, right?”

“Aw, Toki, don't think like that. I'm sure it'll be fine.” Abigail pat his hand reassuringly. “I didn't mean to get you worried. It's purely just to make sure. If you two were monogamous while you were gone, and he used condoms with everyone else, then it _should_ be fine.”

Shame kept Toki from arguing. He didn't want Abigail to know how stupid he'd _truly_ been. Now that they discussed this and she listed off random symptoms, Toki experienced them all. Pain in his throat caused a cringe every time he swallowed. His stomach hurt. He might throw up, either way.

“Maybes is better not to knows?” Toki tried, as Abigail pulled him in direction of the hospital. “I means, what does it matters? If I gots no symptoms and I not sleepings with anyone else, whats is the difference?”

“You should still get treated, then. Hit it before it hits _you_.”

In the sterile-smelling room, seated upon crinkly paper with sweaty hands nervously rubbing against each other, Toki held his knees together as the doctor stood before him. He completely expected the long-drawn sigh that came after explaining why he visited today. “Whatever. Fine, let's get started then. Did you want tested for anything specifically?”

“Noes. . .mights as well just does it all.”

“That's what I would suggest. When you next see Skwisgaar, send him in my direction too. Might as well put him through the hoops. Why didn't you come together?”

“Just didn'ts cross paths. Abigail broughts me here to get checked.” Toki lightly trembled as the doctor pulled up on a pair of gloves. Would he have to undress at all? Would he get asked about any scarring that the doctor caught sight of? “I's a little concerned. . .not so much abouts what I caught from Skwisgaar, but maybes from someone else.”

“Oh?”

“I. . .had sex withs this other guy, and I can'ts remember if he wores a condom or not.” Toki's gaze dropped; behind the doctor's mask of professionalism, he caught the glint of judgement.

“When was this?”

“A couples weeks ago.”

“It's still a little early in the window period for your antibody levels to be affected, but I'll check them anyway. Even if they come up clear, you'll need to come back every couple weeks for another test. I can't say you've got a clean bill of health until six months from now.”

“For whats, exactly?”

“HIV.”

Nerves reached their peak and scrambled Toki's thoughts. “I haves to wait _that_ long, to knows for sure?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” It went unspoken that, should Toki have not wanted this situation, he should have been more careful. Unfortunately, while the doctor only knew half the story, Toki still blamed himself. Even if contracting HIV through rape wasn't his fault, he'd never forgive himself for being the one to infect Skwisgaar. After getting rid of herpes, Skwisgaar was _just_ starting off with a clean slate. HIV wasn't only another incurable disease, it was _much_ worse a prospect.

“How'd it go, sweetie?” Abigail stood in the waiting room, when Toki emerged.

“Ugh. I hateds every minute of it.” He moved gingerly, thanks to lingering discomfort. There were some places Q-tips simply weren't meant to go. At least he didn't have to undress enough for the doctor to start probing further into his sexual history. “Now thats is over, I guess I don'ts regret it. You's right. . .wills be good to know if anything's wrongs with me. Evens if is bad.”

“Then you can at least go about treating it.” Abigail rewarded his bravery with a tight hug. “Good for you, anyway. I won't be here when you get your results, but you'll text me to let me know how it went?”

“Sure.” Toki agreed. “You goings to find Nathan?”

“Mhm. He's in a way.” Abigail rolled her eyes. “I'm sure you probably want to touch base with Skwisgaar, anyway. You two might have something you need to talk about.”

“Gods, I hope not.”

Should he even say anything, until he knew for sure? What would the point be, of getting Skwisgaar all worked up and worried for nothing? What if they only fought about it? At least, when Toki reached Skwisgaar's room, he needn't worry about giving himself away. The Thunderhorse resituated in his guitar stand, and Skwisgaar himself laid across the bed on his stomach. His hand laid limp on an open book, though his back rose and fell in sleep. Sitting down carefully beside him, so as not to disturb, Toki pulled some of the lanky hairs out of his face. When that did nothing to rouse, increased confidence led him to take the book away. Toki smiled; it seemed, even though Skwisgaar already managed to get his hands on another copy of _The Elf King of Draconia_ , he simply wasn't destined to finish it.

Curling up behind Skwisgaar after ditching his boots brought the man around. “What times am it?”

“Littles after two.”

“Hm. Okays.” Skwisgaar pressed back against him. “Cans you notice anyt'ing differents?”

“Abouts what?”

“De bed.”

“Ums. . .”

“Ams new.”

“You don't says.”

“Ja, dat ams de sorprise I wanteds to shows you. I guess it amn'ts as much a sorprise as a necessities, you knows?” Skwisgaar's fingertips ran over Toki's arm, wrapped around his waist. “What happens in de stables, stays in de stables. At least when I ams wit' de ladies.”

Toki chuckled, attempting to mask his stress. “You hads a good time down there?”

“Pretties good.”

“And you remembereds to wears condoms?”

“Ja, I dids.”

“Good.”

“Any speksific reasons?”

“Nah.” Toki shook his head. “Would just hates to haves to wear thems with _you_ , ifs you caught something. I's gottens a bit spoiled, goings bareback.”

“Ha, ja, you gots me dere.” 


	74. Jest

Why Skwisgaar failed to immediately inquire upon his edginess, Toki had no idea. He appreciated it though, as he lounged on the bed with his eyes closed, headphones on, and volume a little higher than moderately comfortable. Black metal somehow calmed him, as snow-ridden forests warped through phosphene. He maintained a rhythmic motion as his fingers ran through hair; having taken up his book again, Skwisgaar used Toki's stomach like a pillow. Whenever the other man shifted, a hatch of natural light broke Toki's hallucinations.

Toki paused the music when Skwisgaar tapped him on the thigh. “Hm?”

“I just gots a text from Charles. We haves a band meeting in a littles while.”

“Aw, really?” Pulling a face, Toki let the headphones slide off his head. “He couldn'ts give us one day, at least, to get settleds back in?”

“ _Pff_ , I texteds back askings him dat, but I haven'ts got a reply yet.”

“Whatsever. I guess we coulds has expecteds that. Everyones is goings to be mad that we tooks time off, so I guess now we gots to start making up for it.”

“You means _I_ needs to. You ams lucky dat no one ams goings to be buggings you to gets in de studio or starts churning out twelves to sixteen tracks for de next album. Sorry, I didn'ts have much time to t'ink about de direction of de band because I was tryings to finds a way for dat to evens be possible, forst.”

Toki's scratching motion against Skwisgaar's scalp slowed. True, but that touched a sensitive nerve. They'd worked so hard in their absence to see eye-to-eye as bandmates, and those words totally shattered any delusion Toki fed himself regarding equality. He tried not to let it bother him. Skwisgaar had his own issues to contend with, given all that weighed down his shoulders. Toki by no means envied him.

“Hards to believe, that twenty-four hours ago we were stills in Mexico,” he changed the subject. “Now thats we back, in ways is almost likes we never really left.”

“Ams like when you comes back from vacation, almost. You gets away from all dis crap, and den you walks in de door and every massage you get whiles you were gone don'ts matter anymore because you ams tense all overs again. You ams annoyed wit' everyone because not'ing get done when you amn'ts here, and dey didn'ts takes it upon demselves to evens try ons deir own. Everyone ams yammering in your face: what about dis, what about dat, haves you at least been t'inking abouts dis? Fucks no, I hasn'ts, leaves me de fucks alone and I'll ease backs into it at my owns pace.”

“Thats too, but isn'ts it startings to feel a little surreal?” Toki felt the same, after coming back from Magnus' grasp. However, health issues resulting in a hospital stay at least drove home the danger he'd been in. Beyond a couple definite changes that wouldn't so easily dismiss themselves, his and Skwisgaar's stint in captivity seemed like an out-of-control reverie. “Two days ago, we was prisoners. Francisco and Raina were stills alives. Haves you wondered yet what's been happenings down there, since we lefts?”

“Honestlies, I haves been trying not to t'ink abouts it,” Skwisgaar answered. “I ams just happies dat we escapeds. I hopes dat one day we cans forgets it even happen. Likes. . .the drum machine, or when Abigail sents us to Iran for vacations.”

“Ugh, I can'ts believe we almost hads to sucks that guy's dick.” A caress of Skwisgaar's shoulder accompanied a snort. “He woulds has likeds you, that's for sures. You's really goods at it.”

“ _Pff_ , dat amn'ts funny, Toki.”

“It is, a littles bit.”

“Onlies because it didn'ts happen. You t'inks am funny, dat someone woulds have to suck someones off dat dey don'ts want to?”

Toki's smile faded. “Nots when you puts it that way. I only meants to turns it into a compliments, but it cames out pretties badly.”

“Woulds be like ifs I said somet'ing alongs de line of dem guys what stucks it to you probablies liked dat you'd nevers taken a dicks before, so dats you was dat much tighters.”

Diaphragm suspended, Toki gaped in utter shock that something like that would _ever_ come out of Skwisgaar's mouth. Actually, he could believe it, once up a time. Now, after everything? Hand stilled, he slowly counted to ten. His grinding teeth changing direction marked each new second passed.

“Does you sees what I mean?”

“Ja, I gets it.”

Toki slipped out from underneath Skwisgaar's head. As he neared the door, the other man called out to him. “Ams you mad? It amn'ts like I'm _sayings_ dat.”

“Just. . .don't, Skwisgaar. You didn'ts have to go there. I sees you at the meeting.”

It took every iota of self-control Toki possessed not to punch the wall on the way to his room. His bottom lip trembled with suppressed rage; privacy made him feel no better. He couldn't sit or lie still. Did he have time to go for a run before the meeting, by any chance? No way, could he sit in silence across from Skwisgaar, like this. Why the _hell_ did he have to say that?

 _Did_ Toki just take it the wrong way? Skwisgaar only tried to illustrate a point, right, about how hurtful comments like that could be? Maybe Skwisgaar faced something like that as a child and, while not as fresh, still reminded him of something he'd much rather bury. Taking deep breaths, Toki vacated his room. The texts filing in on his phone went ignored. Back where he'd come from, Skwisgaar laid on his stomach with his own device in hand and bottom lip tucked back between his teeth.

Wide eyes peered up at Toki. “Uhh. . .I was textings you.”

“Mhm.” Arms crossed, Toki's back stuck to the wall. “Explains to me what you meant.”

“Dat we shouldn'ts joke like dat wit' each other. We haves both beens in a position where we know it amn'ts funny. I'ves gotten practiced abouts not lettings it show dat it get to me, thanks to how much de other guys laughs about dat kind of t'ing, but we shoulds have a place dat am safes from dat.”

“I'm stills really pissed something like that would comes out of your mouth.”

“And you t'ink it ams any better when you say 'Hey Skwisgaar, dis guy woulds has liked forcings you to sucks your dick because you ams practiced at its.' How ams it any different?”

“Because your experience maybes came from willingly suckings other guy, when the punchline on your end is that rapings a virgin is betters because they gots no miles on them.”

“Does you know for _shore_ dat my experience come from dere?” Skwisgaar postulated. “I coulds has easily takens it a differents way.”

“Maybe nots, but at least that hads room for interpretation.”

Skwisgaar's gaze dropped thanks to new shame. “I apolgesac. I only wants to show dat it ams a slippery slope to jokes about, and dat ams de forst t'ing dat cames to mind what I coulds use as an example.”

“You's right abouts it being a slippery slope. I can'ts remember the last time I gots this upset with you, and so fast.”

“So cans we agree dat dem kinds of jokes amn't okays between us? I gots to levels wit' you, I'ves had to sits in de hot tub for over fifteen year, listenings to dis shit betweens you guys and goings along because if I don'ts den it mights bring up quetskin I don'ts care to answer. I totallies expecteds, afters I tolds you what happen to me, dat it woulds go unspokens.”

“That don'ts mean I automaticallies feel okay, though.”

“I gots dat too.” Skwisgaar touched his chest in the exact place emotion flared within Toki's. “You've starteds to notice now dat t'ing like dat hit a lot closers to home. Does you remember, when we were drivings in Washington, what you saids before we wents down to dat park?”

“Um. . .”

“'If dere am somet'ing you ams concorned about—for us datings—and you amn'ts talkings about it, den dat ams a pretty good sign of what kinds of boyfriend you woulds be'.” Skwisgaar's eyes briefly narrowed in thought. “Somet'ing along dem lines, anyway. I remembers it, because de forst t'ing I t'ink am dat you don'ts know what happened to me, but you cans tell dat dere am somet'ing wrong. Nots only dat, but _dere am somet'ing wrong wit' me_. It haves brokens me, because I amn'ts capables of taking dat step towards anot'er porson.”

Shifting his feet, Toki's anger turned inward in form of guilt. After all the rest he'd already experienced that day, he couldn't stand to go through even more. “You ares, though.”

“But dat ams de power of words. You see? You haves to be so careful when you talk about t'ing like dis, to de point dat it ams best you don'ts make light of it at all. Ams fine to discuss it and sometimes to ask quetskin, but jokes? Dat word shouldn'ts be in our vocabularies.”

Toki stiffly nodded.

“Wit' dat said, I apolgesac again for what I saids earlier. Evens if I didn'ts mean it, it amn'ts fair to use your sufferings just to makes a point. I wish we coulds have had dis discussions a differents way.”

“Me too, but eithers way is betters it happened. I'm sorries too. I shoulds has been way more sensitives. It isn'ts funny in any forms or fashion that we mights has had to sucks that guy's dick. Woulds has been devastatings, if we didn'ts work our way outs of it.”

Skwisgaar studied Toki. “Ams we okay?”

“I'm stills a little worked up, but I's not mad at you anymores.” Toki's heart palpitated and his palms sweat. He'd already been reduced once to what those men could derive from him; becoming the butt of a joke only thickened the layer of dirt it left behind. Regardless, he plopped down beside where Skwisgaar shifted to sit up on the bed's edge. “This just sucks.”

With his arms looped about Toki's shoulders, Skwisgaar encouraged him to lean closer. A press of lips to Toki's hairline closed his eyes. “Everyt'ings about it.”

“I's realizing somethings. The other guys don'ts know about this. They alreadies didn'ts know about _you_ , but. . .I's goings to have to do that too, now. They's goings to jokes about it, and I's going to have to sits there with a straights face and pretends I's okay. Mores than that, I's going to haves to makes myself laugh, to fits in.”

“Just does what I does. Pretends am bedtime,” Skwisgaar suggested. “You gets a sense for when dat kind of talk ams coming. I manages about eighty-porcents of de time to gets out of dodge befores I have to listens to it.”

Now that Toki considered it, Skwisgaar _did_ have a knack for it. Most times he, Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface made any sort of joke about it, only the four of them sat there. “I wish I knews earlier, just for thats. Isn'ts there anything to says, to makes it stop?”

Skwisgaar laughed mirthlessly. “I trieds once, backs before you cames along. Moidaface was all caughts up in dis court case and mades us watch it, at de old apartment in Tampa. Some lady teacher hads been caught messings around wit' her student, and wounds up pregnant. Nathan saids if he was thirteen and managed to scores wit' a babe likes dat, he woulds onlies congratulate himself. Den it was all downhills from dere.”

“Hows?” Toki's stomach curdled; did he even want to know?

“Moidaface wasn'ts really shore dat rape even exist, because sex feels good and you shoulds be lucky ifs you get it. _Pff_ , of course he woulds t'ink dat, but you don'ts really wants men walkings around de street wit' dat kinds of view, does you? Am scaries to t'ink dat rights dis minute, dere ams a man followings a lady wit' dat on his mind, and her life is abouts to be ruined. Den de quetskin cames up abouts whet'er or not a lady cans actually rapes a dude. Dis kid hads a boner, he cames obviously because she ams pregnant, so how ams dat not sex? Well, tries to explains to dem idiots dat rape _doesn'ts_ feel good. Ams violence against a porson.”

“That makes me real scareds, because if they don'ts know that no means no, how manies of the ladies that they's fucked overs the year were actually theres willingly?”

“I mades dem understands enough, ats de end of it all. I asked dem how dey woulds feel if a guy forced a dicks up deir asses, if dey woulds enjoys dat, and dey all saids no. T'anks Odin dey got _some_ kinds of empathy.”

“Dids they ask how you woulds know that?”

“I lieds,” Skwisgaar confirmed. “Saids dat wit' all de wimmins I fucked, I was veries careful dat everyone hads de right idea about what we were gettings into and what de expectations were. Ams cowardly, I tolds dem, to _makes_ a woman be fucks by you. A reals man can gets it wit'out force. Am somet'ing to brags about. Dey respondeds to dat.”

“I don'ts got any troubles believing that.” Toki paused. “I mights not be ables to tell, when they's going to start jokings about that kind of thing. Ifs we in the hot tub together and you gets the sense for it, woulds you give me a nudge or something? I don'ts even care if they wants to joke that we's gonna go off and fucks. I woulds rather that than they knows the truth.”

“Ja, of course.” 


	75. Deadline

Coming into the conference room was like stepping back into early April. The last time Toki sat in here, he casually flicked through pictures of cats on the phone hidden in his lap. He had no idea that, within a week, he and Skwisgaar would leave the comforts of Mordhaus behind. Certainly, thanks to his refusal to glance at the man for calling him a dildo earlier that day at breakfast, he didn't expect to be fucking him in a Chicago motel room. Now, as they sat beside each other, Toki tried not to worry about where settled stresses and imbalances would put them. Looking past those was easy on the road, when they didn't need to face reality on constant basis. Toki already let shit slide for the sake of peace; Skwisgaar's earlier comment about taking the brunt of their absence's consequences still bothered him.

They were the first to show up after Charles, even with only five minutes left to go until the top of the hour. “Ah, thank you for your punctuality.”

“Whatevers. We don'ts want to be here.” Slouched down in his seat, Skwisgaar mindlessly fretted his Thunderhorse. “Dis hads better be quick. I can'ts believe you ams pushings us to gets back to it nots even twenty-four hour afters we gets home. Does you t'ink dat we hads it easy, de past couple week? Maybes we needs a break to comes down from all dat. How you t'ink it ams going to be, when I goes from fearings for my life straights back to work? You t'ink dat am goings to be productive? Where ams your heart?”

“Yeah, where'sch your heart?” Murderface demanded on his way in, having only caught Skwisgaar's final few sentences. “Schouldn't you know better by now than to throw one of thesche thingsch when we're all hungover?”

“I can't exactly delay the label any further. I contacted Damien last night to let him know Toki and Skwisgaar were home, and—”

“God, do we have to talk to that asshole _again?_ ” Nathan grumbled. Pickles followed him in. “He's not here, is he?”

“No, he's chosen to join us via video-chat.”

“Thet's the last face I wanna look at today.” Pickles dropped down beside Toki. “Kin we get this over with?”

“We'll get an alert when he's ready. Ah. . .in the meantime, we should talk about something else.” A collective groan from all seated band members resulted in Charles pinching the bridge of his nose. “Toki and Skwisgaar, since you've been AWOL, you more than likely haven't seen the extent of damage done during the attempts to retrieve you. Las Vegas, for one—”

“We saws it on de TV, befores de media blackout. _Pff_ ,” Skwisgaar added for good measure. “We weren'ts even dere, afters de forst day. De lady in charge of us tooks us to Albuquerque.”

“Whet lady?”

“Ams none of your business, Pickle.”

“That's not what's important right now,” Charles spoke before anyone else could chime in. “This isn't a situation to make light of, Skwisgaar. What you saw was only a fraction of what actually took place—is _still_ taking place. And now, with the unrest between Laredo and Nuevo Laredo. . .this is all going to come down extremely hard on the company.”

“Why? We's home, wasn'ts that the point of it alls?”

“Yes. . .” Cautious tone caused Toki to slump with a whole new wave of guilt. “But the entire situation came with a lot of complications. Although we weren't personally responsible for most of the damage in the city, the public is outraged that—”

“I thought there wasch a blackout.”

“Word spreads other ways, Murderface. Regardless of the fact that the destruction was caused by general citizens and protesters, we're still the ones that poked the nest. It would look good, if we simply accepted responsibility and footed the bill.”

“Are you joking? That is—no. Why do _we_ have to do that?” Nathan scowled. “We got Toki and Skwisgaar back. We did what we had to do. All those people didn't have to go fucking crazy.”

“Would you like to try and explain that tomorrow? I have a press conference booked for eleven in the morning, to announce Toki and Skwisgaar's safe return. You're welcome to tack that on, if you wish.”

“You know how I feel about making speeches.”

“Frankly I would advise against it anyway, since we're experiencing enough backlash as it is. After a stressful month, I'm simply suggesting we take the easiest way out: a benefit concert.”

“I thinks is okay,” Toki piped up in the silence that followed. “I mean. . .is kinds of our faults.”

“No it amn'ts.”

“Not _our_ fault, it's _you_ two,” Nathan shot at Toki and Skwisgaar. “If you guys didn't decide to run off without telling anyone, this never would've happened. Why can't this just come out of _their_ bank accounts? Why do we have to play a benefit concert?”

“Nathan, we're talking about billions of dollars.”

“So? They probably have that much stashed away.”

“Hey!” Skwisgaar sat up. “Why shoulds _we_ haves to pay for dat? We nevers asked for nobodies to come for us, and ifs you didn'ts notice, we gots out of all dat shit alls by ourselves.”

“Right, so we should've just left you to _die_ , then.”

“We droves thousands of miles and wents days without anything bads happening,” Toki contributed. “We didn'ts ask to gets snatched up by human traffickers.”

“It's like Charles said, we're the ones that poked the nest. And you're the ones that we poked the nest  _for_.”

“Well, how abouts I comes over there and kicks your ass, thens it cans be _your_ fault because you're pissings me off!”

“Let's all cool down,” Charles interjected. “This is why I suggested a benefit concert. They're relatively easy for you five to do, and they bring in substantial sums of cash. No one needs to fight, no one needs to pay out of pocket, and then it's over.”

Nathan settled back in his chair, still glaring at Toki. “Fine, then. Whatever.”

How _dare_ they put blame for this on Toki? Hands formed tight fists in his lap; he might actually make good on his threat to Nathan, if this situation didn't rectify itself in the near future. If only his and Skwisgaar's luck hadn't turned in Las Vegas. No matter what misfortune they met, running away again tempted Toki nearly out of his chair. The prospect of gloved hands and masked faces holding him at bay down in the parking garage only strengthened the will to leave. This time, if Toki could get out the door with Skwisgaar, they'd at least learned how to remain hidden. If they could get as far west as Montana again, they'd perhaps be better off to settle into a mediocre life.

While daydreams calmed Toki down, the awkwardness around the table ended only when a hologram burst to life at its centre. Facebones spiralled into full form, expressing his usual maniacal glee. “Incoming video call from Crystal Mountain Records!

“G-g-g-goodbye, dildos!” Facebones disappeared upon Charles' prompt to answer. The red bust of Damien Cornickelson followed, in three-dimensional form. He looked around at the conference's participants, smirking in the guitarists' direction.

“Good to see you, boys. Had me worried there, for a while.” His apathetic tone denoted otherwise. More than likely, Damien missed the little bump his pocket experienced whenever Dethklok went through a productive phase. “Doing all right?”

Earning moody shrugs from both, he cleared his throat. “Let's get down to business, then. I'm sorry, but I don't see myself budging on the deadline. It'll be two years this Thanksgiving that a Dethklok album hit the market and frankly, that is inexcusable. I refuse to sign off on the contract's latest redraft, to allow anymore delay. I don't see how the circumstances justify it.”

“As I explained to you last night—”

“This contract ends at the stroke of midnight on January 1st, 2018. Dethklok owes Crystal Mountain two more records before that. I'm merely going on what my father left behind: Dethklok Incorporated and Crystal Mountain Records agreed commencing January 1st of 2011 that three albums over the course of seven years was more than fair. The first of those hitting shelves nearly halfway through the contract was already iffy, since the first one recorded was destroyed en masse, as well as its master. . .” Damien's gaze flitted toward Nathan, “and then a missing band member further delayed it. Needless to say, I'm sick of delays. You have thirty-two and a half months left, until the contract expires. If I'm not satisfied with the progress toward that before the close of 2015, I myself might drag my feet on negotiating what sorts of business terms we'll function on in the future.”

Nathan scoffed. “You can't drop us like that. We're your biggest act.”

“True—when you're productive. When you're not, you're driving us toward the ground. I'm not stupid, I've crunched the numbers. If there isn't a drastic turn-around, the only way I can save my father's company is by pulling the reigns right before it crashes. And that means cutting you loose. Good luck finding a label wealthy enough—whether me or someone else—to sustain you, should that happen. Global depression, yadda yadda.”

Damien talked out of his ass, like usual. Asserting that rolled Toki's eyes; however, Charles himself rubbed his forehead with a hard stare into the tabletop. That was. . .mildly disconcerting.

“Anyway, great chatting with you boys. I think we all understand what's at stake here, and what needs to be done. Now if you don't mind, I'll excuse myself. Any questions can be directed at my secretary, and I'll respond as soon as I get the chance.”

A different breed of silence followed Damien's disintegration. Even though Toki wasn't one of Dethklok's main three contributors, nerves congregated in his stomach. Beside him, Skwisgaar's fingers blurred against the fretboard. One month shouldn't make such a difference, and yet, it made _all_ the difference. They couldn't afford one day of rest, let alone the thirty they disappeared for.

Murderface spoke for the whole band, “That'sch not true, right? He'sch juscht being the uschual asschhole?”

“There may be a grain of truth to it,” Charles stated. “If Crystal Mountain doesn't profit, they can no longer supply your advances. Then, the record will fall through. Without that, neither Crystal Mountain or Dethklok claims any income and will lose the future chance to do so.”

“So this isn't even about the contract. It's just a matter of time. Holy fuck. . .” Nathan ran a hand down his face.

“Roy and I settled on three albums over the course of seven years, because that was the minimum experts stated necessary to keep the economy stable. We managed to pull through the recession leading up to the Doomstar Requiem's release, but there truly is a timestamp on this.”

“Ja, I haves a quetskin. Why haven'ts you tolds us dat?”

“I have, multiple times. Have none of you been paying attention at _all_ to me, this past year and a half? Why do you think I've been pushing so hard for the next album? For my own personal enjoyment?”

“Dood, it ken't be thet simple, though. If we get at least one record out before thet, it should be good enough, reet?” Pickles leaned over the table. “If we make Crystal Mountain some money, then thet dildo should loosen his pen enough to sign his name on an extension.”

“Economic movement will keep the global market alive, but that might not be the same for the label. I have to admit, Damien has put a _lot_ of money into the band, since his father's passing. He's already millions over the budget Roy and I set.” Charles shuffled some papers before him. “So, tomorrow, we'll start the push toward that. Before I let you all go free for the night, let's come back briefly to the benefit concert. . .”

When Toki left upon dismissal, his stomach knotted all the more. He anticipated a crackdown upon return home, but this was too much. Maybe, after all, he and Skwisgaar would've been better off in Monterrey. Really, in hindsight, Francisco wasn't such a terrible guy. He didn't seem to possess a hidden schedule. Maybe Raina simply upset Toki's trust too much before crossing paths with his and Skwisgaar's final keeper. What if they lost their true means for freedom from stress, by taking the man down in hopes for escape?

True or not, it was too late to think like that. When Toki carried on past Skwisgaar's door, his name being called turned him around. “I thinks I's gonna go for a run, or something. Clears my mind. I comes find you, after?”

Skwisgaar leaned against his doorframe. “I'ms t'inking of maybe asking Pickle and Nat'an if dey wants to get a head starts on dis.”

“Well. . .I'll finds you whenever, then.”

Switching out his clothes for something more suitable to exercise in, Toki headed out with an upbeat playlist. He had no space in his head for the monotonous melodies that came with black metal, and definitely not for its distinct desolation. He already had enough of that to contend with in his real life. What he truly needed was an escape, like happy songs and pavement beating beneath his feet offered the illusion of. 


	76. Fascination

Determined to run until he couldn't stand it anymore, Toki stepped back inside Mordhaus when red and purple dashed the western horizon. His lungs protested on his way upstairs, though benefitted from a steam-filled shower. The last jog he went on—in Missoula—seemed too long ago for his stamina to have remained. Hadn't he and Twinkletits talked about that once, how Toki feared losing all his strength if he didn't exercise on a regular basis? Toki still didn't like how four turbulent weeks on the run altered his self-image. Maybe tomorrow, he'd hit the gym again and start working back toward where he felt comfortable within his skin. Especially after his attack, he couldn't stand any semblance of weakness.

Toki sat down on the edge of his bed. Since coming home, he hadn't really spent more than a fleeting moment in his room. He'd still rather be in Skwisgaar's, after cohabiting for so long. Both of their personal affects in one place trumped segregation; would Skwisgaar mind, if Toki's belongings trickled in? Would he like to come back from a long day working to find a sketchbook amongst the fur blanket and pencil crayons in the stone floor's creases? Lack of a desk therein meant Toki would leave his keyboard in his room, but his computer would become a reliable mainstay.

He should probably wait a while before bringing something like that up. It all depended on how all this played out; Toki needed to know he hadn't tarnished Skwisgaar's clean bill of sexual health, nor incited tension between them by letting Skwisgaar take the hit for how far behind the band was. Nothing could be done at this point about their health, but maybe Toki could offer something to ease the latter? Then again, even if Skwisgaar expressed gratitude for the thought, a certain standard needed to be maintained. Simply put. . .Toki couldn't attain that, no matter how hard he tried.

For now, Skwisgaar's room still drew Toki. Laptop under arm, he considered calling it an early night. While two weeks of confinement stressed and exhausted him, one day back at Mordhaus brought upon twice as much.

Skwisgaar sat on the bed's edge with his guitar in lap, stopping Toki in the doorway. “You's back sooner than I expecteds.”

“ _Pff_ , Pickle and Nat'an didn'ts want to does anyt'ing tonights. Gives me all de crap in de world about how much of a slackers I been, and don'ts even t'ink about it before sayings no when I ask if dey wants to gets back on de horse.”

“We weres told to takes it easy tonight. And they's both hungsover.” Toki took up behind Skwisgaar, pulling the blanket half-assedly over his back as he opened his computer. The empty sound of twangy strings comforted him. “Nathans probably want to spends time with Abigail too, before she leaves in the mornings. I wouldn'ts has minded to eithers, but I think she need some space from olds Toki for a bits.”

“What make you say dat?”

“She isn'ts very happy with me. We's getting alongs and all, didn'ts really fight, but I hurts her feelings and worrieds her needlessly.”

“I can'ts help but wish dat dey all thought we gots taken straights from here. I'm sicks of all dem sayings dat it ams no one's fault but our owns dat Raina snatched us up. It ams like not'ing bad dat happen to us matter, because we coulds has avoided it. Ifs we knew dat was goings to happen, why woulds we has evers left? _I_ wouldn'ts have, dat ams for shore.”

“I don'ts know. . .I's a little torn.” Feeling particularly smitten to the grumpy man, Toki rubbed his cheek against the small of Skwisgaar's back. “Ja, a lots of bad things happen, but I gots _you_ out of all of it.”

“Ams tornings out to be de only good t'ing.” Voice softening, Skwisgaar's fingers slowed. “Honestlies, rights now I don'ts know what I woulds have to look forward to de next couple year, if I didn'ts have dis.”

“I maybes don'ts have as much to do, but I dreads it for you.” Toki sat up to kiss a pale shoulder. “Is there anythings I can do that'll makes it easier?”

“I amn't shore.”

“Goes ahead and be straights with me. Try nots to play all sloppy and practice more oftens. I's already plannings on doing that. I know I cause a lots of your stress, and I don'ts wish to do that anymores.”

“Okays, dere ams dat. . .” Skwisgaar hesitantly admitted. “Ams nice just to haves you here at night, fors to wind down. Wills probably levels me out enough before sleeps dat I actually gets good rest. Won'ts have to drinks as much.”

“Is good.” Another potential thing for Toki to do led him to reach around Skwisgaar's waist. His fingertips skimming over grey denim altered the room's air with piqued intrigue. He rested his head on Skwisgaar's shoulder, smiling when the man's face turned toward him. “You must be almost sicks of playing that.”

“I mights be, ja.”

“So puts it away. You were supposed to takes the night off, remember?”

“ _Alloweds_ to, not supposed to.” A certain warmness in Skwisgaar's gaze relayed lenience toward adapting the suggestion, though. He never could turn down sex, especially when this stressed out. Minute twitch in his upper lip when it brushed Toki's meant he'd already caved. A sigh-turned-groan as their tongues slid against each other stopped his fretting hand completely. “It _ams_ gettings late. . .”

“Is only nine, or so.”

“I amn'ts used to stayings up untils dawn, anymore.” Skwisgaar set his Thunderhorse on its stand, sitting more to face Toki when he returned. “I gots used to a regular jack-off's sleeping schedules.”

“Me toos.” Toki kissed Skwisgaar again, hand on his knee. “I gets everything you saying, though. Afters that meeting, I would almost rathers go back to Francisco's. Is goings to be a bumpy ride, this next while.”

“We'll toughs it out. We always do.”

“We gots a pretty good track record, ja.”

“Ams just overwhelmings, to comes home to so much. I didn'ts even _t'ink_ about de stupids contract—”

“Hey,” Toki gently cut him off. “Just forgets about it for a while. Comes here.”

While Toki's own stress limited their intimacy, he determined not to let that slow them down. Sex remained Skwisgaar's prime release after a hard day. Without the chance yet to work on that by Toki's lonesome, tonight became all about Skwisgaar; after easing him back against the mattress, Toki made quick work of his belt and fly. Looking on the positive side, detracting attention away from his own dick meant he would get much-needed practice at giving head.

His jaw growing sore led to Skwisgaar's pants half-hanging off the bed. Kissing down toward his perineum, Toki glanced back up. “It don'ts bother you when I takes my time, right?”

“You amn't someones dat I'ms just lookings to get off wit', so no.”

A hand sweeping hair back off his forehead made Toki smile. “Just making sures.”

This felt better than last night's disaster, boosting his confidence. Toki didn't feel so damaged when capable of getting fingers to twist in his hair and pulling his name from deep within Skwisgaar's chest. It didn't do much for him sexually; he still seemed to view it from the sidelines. He just liked knowing that getting hurt didn't tarnish his ability to make his boyfriend happy.

Reverted to bobbing his head, arranging to accommodate Skwisgaar's arching legs alerted Toki of impending orgasm before increased saltiness. A lazy arm wrapped around his shoulders in the aftermath, when Toki crawled up to bury his face in Skwisgaar's neck. “Feels better?”

“ _Ways_ better.” Fingers in Toki's hair sought to undo the damage, challenging knots in gentle combing motion. “Does you wants me to do anyt'ing?”

“You don'ts have to.”

“I'ms goings to, if you ams okay wit' it.”

“Mm. . .sorry, Skwis.”

Swollen, hot lips touched the folds of his ear anyway. “Don'ts apolgesac for dat.”

“I feels bad because I miss it. Is great that you understands and all, but. . .” Toki pressed his lips together. Did he really want to go into this? Should he add even more to Skwisgaar's load? “Is frustratings, is all. I wants you to be able to comes back here after you's been stressed out and gets what you needs, whethers is me fuckings you, or. . .”

“Hm?” Skwisgaar prompted him with a nudge of the knee.

“Ifs I didn'ts get attacked, I's pretty sure you woulds has fucked me by now.” Toki rolled his eyes with a smile when predictable attentiveness briefly stilled the other man's ministrations. “So it sucks that when I was so close to that, something happened to sets me five steps back.”

“Ams a piss-off, because de t'ing you wants don't magicallys go away.”

“Exactly. I mores than trust you to makes it good. I's not worrieds about it hurting—well, maybes a little—but I'm scareds that if we dids I woulds just. . .floats away, in my head. At least for nows we haves this. If we didn'ts get as goods as we's been this last week or so, I woulds has probably lost my mind. I'm so grateful, Skwis. You gots no idea.”

“We shoulds only do dat when you ams ready,” Skwisgaar concluded. “Nots dat. . .huh, dat ams goings to be some good jackings-off material.”

Giggling, Toki propped up on his elbow and took in the unabashed dissoluteness that dilated Skwisgaar's pupils. “Is still funnies that you mights think about me when you doings that.”

“Why? You ams a good-lookings guy, and you do t'ings dat I like.” Skwisgaar tilted his head. “It don'ts make you uncomftsable, does it?”

“To the contraries. Is importants that you still wants me, afters what happened.”

“I just don'ts wish to cross de line betweens being attracteds to you and pressurings you.”

“You's doing a good job, elskling.” Toki kissed his nose. “So goods I can't believe it, sometimes. Does it helps, that you gots ladies to sticks it to?”

“I don'ts want to say dat ifs we didn'ts agree on an opens relatesingip I woulds fuck up, but. . .” Skwisgaar shrugged. “I amn'ts plekrekt. I get stupids about my dick. So longs as I ams aware of dat, I cans monitor myself. Ams ugly to says dat I mights have comskramise you gettings better for de chance to puts it in you—or maybes cheat—but ams better to admits my shortcomings dan haves to regrets it after it happen. Right?”

“Ifs we want this to work, we needs to be honest. Ifs you treateds me no different from anyone else you evers messed around with, I wouldn'ts be able to handles you fuckings other people. When I's in a relatesingip, I needs to know that I's special somehow. Everything else is secondaries to that. I maintains that I knews what to expects from you, and thats if anything fundamentals about you changed, then it wasn'ts you I was datings anymore.”

“Don'ts people wants to date someone dat only sleeps wit' _dem_ , though?”

“Most peoples, I guess.” Toki smiled when Skwisgaar pursed his lips in consideration. “Ares you waitings for me to says I's one of them?”

“No, ams just. . .I don'ts get why people dat talk about it say someone in an opens relatesingip haves less capabilities for love, or simplies don'ts get it. Everyones dat have some kinds of experience wit' sex cans tell you dere am a worlds of difference betweens fucking and making love.”

Toki's stomach performed an odd flip; he didn't expect that phrase to ever manifest on Skwisgaar's lips, in that context. Skwisgaar hinted in past of awareness that their bedroom experience differed from what either of them might do outside it, but to hear him _say_ it? Completely enamoured and wishing more than ever that a wall didn't keep Toki from joining his body to Skwisgaar's, he forced himself to remain still. “Does you miss it?”

“Hm?”

“Whens we used to does that.”

The colour splashed across Skwisgaar's cheekbones darkened. His flitting gaze showcased avoidance, although not a variety that sent Toki backpedalling. Something like that held such weight in two simple words. Leaving it unspoken thus far only catered to its power. Even now with it hanging between them, Toki couldn't bring himself to utter it again.

Skwisgaar answered with a bare nod. “Ams. . .you knows, pretties good.”

“Ja, is okay.”

“Nots dat big a deal.”

“Nah.”

The corners of Skwisgaar's mouth tightened with suppressed laughter, but the dam conceded to a snort when Toki grinned. “Odins fucking damns you, Toki Wartooth.”

“You're so serious, alls the time.” Toki whispered in his ear with a kiss. “Maybes is a bit gays to talks about it, but it sure doesn'ts feel gay when it happens, wowie.”

“You don'ts t'ink so? Nots maybe just a littles bit?”

“Okays, is pretty gay, Mr. Smarty-Pants. What's your points?”

“I didn'ts have one, beyonds dat.”

“I haves one: you's pretty gay for enjoyings it.”

“I was alreadies gay from likings a dick in my ass, so I amn'ts too miffed about it.”

Another round of giggles moved Toki off Skwisgaar; before pulling the blanket over his naked bottom half, Skwisgaar stretched his legs out straight. “Whats is it like, anyway? Havings a dick in your ass?”

“Likes when I fingereds you, except times ten.” Skwisgaar didn't give Toki enough time to get over his forthrightness before continuing on. “Ams more to takes obviously, so dere ams more pressure and reach. Hands am easiers to controls dan your hips too, so you ams giving yourself up to somet'ing more animalistic and unspredictable. Dere am someones holding your waist or shoulders, usings dem like leverage, ands den dey ams bumping you ands dey balls am slappings against you. . .”

For as hesitant Toki was to give it a shot, the wistful expression on his lover's face made him forget momentarily that such an experience could ever be bad. The longer Skwisgaar went on, the more reason Toki found to turn his hips into the blanket, for need to hide his reaction.

“. . .dey pulls your hair if you ams lucky. Ands you got to considers dat dere ams a sense of doing somet'ing forbidden, since you amn'ts really supposed to put t'ing in your ass. Dere ams a lots dat cans go wrong, so you ams totallies vulnerable. Dey coulds hort you, but you trusts dem not to, and ams a very powerful experience when you comes out of it only feelings good. Cans put you in subspace, ifs you does it right.”

“Huh,” Toki managed.

“Ands den t'rows in what we was talkings about earlier.” Skwisgaar wiggled his eyebrows playfully, fingers folded behind his head. “Times _dat_ by ten.”

Not much else for conversation could eclipse that, for the evening. As Toki settled beside Skwisgaar in the dark room, mulling it over thwarted sleep. Eventually, he sighed in resignation, slipped out from under the covers, and headed for the bathroom.

He usually preferred to jack-off in bed, but possessed too little patience to dash down the hallway. It didn't even matter that he leaned back against the counter and bowed his head as pleasure he'd sorely missed trickled through the brick wall erected between him and who he used to be. Filling his hand required biting back a long, low moan.

A skip in his step accompanied Toki back into the bigger room. He didn't know what pleased him more, that he'd taken one more step toward reclaiming his sexuality by legitimately enjoying an orgasm, or that even in its wake the act which Skwisgaar described still demanded his fascination. 


	77. Boredom

Early morning laziness held Toki in bed for the day's breaking hours. When Skwisgaar deemed it necessary to sit up with his Thunderhorse, Toki detoured to his room to change back into work-out clothes and throw his hair up. He itched to feel protest in his muscles, yet feared strain meant he'd let himself go. Setting weights downstairs in the gym to the same numbers he'd left off on was encouraging. Afterward, as he studied himself in his bathroom mirror, he saw someone closer resembling his self-image.

 _'All in the head,'_ Twinkletits' voice reverberated in Toki's mind. Clean and feeling like more than a ghost of himself, he allowed a hint of swagger into his step on the way to Skwisgaar's room. However half-thought through, if by some chance Skwisgaar remained therein, Toki wouldn't mind pinning him to the mattress and indulging last night's rhapsody.

Unfortunately, the man had already moved on, most likely to the recording studio to meet Nathan and Pickles. Toki had hoped that at the very least they'd get to watch Charles' conference together in an hour or so. Flopping down on the bed, he brought out his phone to ask.

_'Not sure...making good headway n dont want 2 quit. If ur gonna watch it will u tell me bout it later?'_

_'U alone?'_

_'Nathans here. Was alredy up since took abigail 2 the airport. No pickle yet'_

_'Hows it going?'_

_'Ok...gotta get back 2 it tho. See u later?'_

_'Lunch?'_

_'Maybe'_

Toki read stress into Skwisgaar's texts, however little this mode of communication allowed for emotion. Initially he'd planned to piddle around until the broadcast. However, guilt resurfacing through the surge of confidence provided at the gym compelled him to fetch his Snow Falcon. He hadn't touched a guitar since he left, and the first few scales he played made that obvious enough to cringe.

Watching Skwisgaar's fingers on a regular basis set a higher standard than Toki felt he could ever meet. Oh well. . .however his calibre of playing compared to Skwisgaar's, Toki was still the second-best guitarist on international magnitude, and the fastest. Even if technicality trumped speed, that title meant something to Toki. With his tongue poking out, Toki's concentrated expression slid toward a smirk as his fingers worked out of their fumble in fluid nuance.

A special degree of obsessive-compulsion was necessary to keep it up anywhere near as long as Skwisgaar, without something else to occupy Toki's mind. He drifted into playing a couple of Dethklok's songs, attempting one or two of the lead guitar solos. With enough practice, he could pull them off. If he and Skwisgaar got along this well now, did Toki stand a better chance of being allowed to play those parts? Still, Toki would much rather earn his right to take centre-stage during their concerts, rather than be given one out of pity or because he merely wore Skwisgaar down. He _had_ talent; otherwise, he wouldn't be in this band.

At five minutes to eleven, Toki set his guitar on the floor and curled back up underneath the blanket with the remote. He doubted he'd need to go very far to find somewhere set to broadcast Charles' address. Shouldn't he and Skwisgaar have attended this? While Toki pondered it, he deemed it too late to properly question. Doing so yesterday at the meeting might've meant delay in he, Skwisgaar, and Nathan's various creative pursuits anyway, and that more than physical proof of their return held priority.

A podium filled to capacity with microphones appeared first, then Charles soon after. Unlike the press conferences Toki watched in Las Vegas or Los Lunas, he'd pulled himself together. His forehead didn't shine so much under bright lights and his hair had been meticulously combed. That alone should indicate good news to everyone else that tuned in.

Charles clearing his throat subdued murmuring voices. _“I'm happy to announce that late on Saturday afternoon, Toki and Skwisgaar were found and subsequently returned to Mordhaus. Both are in good health. Any request for interviews will be immediately denied. It's been a long month for all of us, and while the public has questions, I'm placing their readjustment as priority._

“ _I would like to take this opportunity to announce a benefit concert, in order for reparations to be paid toward the damage done in Nevada's Clark County during our search. Dethklok Incorporated accepts full responsibility and offers its sincerest apologies to anyone that lost a home, business, or loved one through our endeavour. While we can never bring back those who died, we will bend over backwards to restore the County's infrastructure. I do not have a date set yet, although as the situation stabilizes I will be better able to offer a tentative window. Tickets for this event will go on sale immediately afterward.”_

As soon as Charles gathered up his note cards, Toki groped about the blankets for his phone. _'Didnt say much. Just that were not doing intervews about it and that were doing a concert 2 pay 4 everything'_

_'Didnt even think about intervews. Good ugh. Did he say when the concert is?'_

_'No i guess hes gonna wait til things calm down over there'_

Toki consulted his phone every few seconds for a reply, but figured that Skwisgaar must have returned to work with all the necessary information relayed. What did he do now, with the rest of his day? Eat, sure. See Skwisgaar whenever he, Pickles, and Nathan decided to call it a day in the studio. Anything else?

Ugh; he forgot how utterly _boring_ Mordhaus could be. With his bandmates and friends either busy or still sleeping, normally Toki would simply turn his attention to his own pursuits. He didn't mind his own company and in part, after spending barely a day on his lonesome since he and Skwisgaar first left, craved it. However, within that he couldn't spark interest for any of his usual doings. Even after all the music that burst to life inside his head while on the road, he couldn't care about touching his guitar or keyboard.

His laptop came back up from under the bed instead, although most corners of the internet he sought out only reminded him that he spent time away. He smiled while scrolling through the various messages left on his Facefriends profile, welcoming him back and expressing happiness for his return. Some were mean too, of course, deterring him after a certain point. He'd already been told by everyone he cared about that his disappearance was selfish, he didn't need to hear that his tendency to get himself in trouble hampered the band he otherwise didn't contribute to. Chaos would reign, if anyone outside these walls knew he'd left Mordhaus by his own volition.

With all the things to dread in the foreseeable future, Toki yearned for some sort of creature comfort to temporarily distract him from the guilt. Unsure if anything could even come of it, he opened up an incognito window and tapped in the URL for his favoured porn site. He didn't really know what he felt in the mood for, though. After a lengthy discussion through the Californian desert about what a farce professional pornography was, Toki could care less about the thumbnails boasting good lighting, flawless actresses, and strategic camera angles. Amateur works, Skwisgaar recommended. If Toki wished to see something catering more toward realism rather than some pouty-lipped wafer faking an orgasm, stick to that. More bored than horny, Toki clicked on the first one that seemed interesting.

He normally skipped the first parts; just like he'd told Skwisgaar with a roll of the eyes, he wasn't a stranger to this. Honesty ultimately meant more than aesthetics in porn, even if in real life Toki definitely appreciated how attractive the man he stuck it to was. The video opened with a poorly lit living room, where the couch pillows laid haphazardly in the middle of the floor. Background music from the television played the Jeopardy theme song, making Toki smile.

A woman probably in her mid-twenties laid on one end of the loveseat, feet stuck under the armrest opposite. Her face basked in her cell phone's blue light.

“What're you doin'?” the man wielding the camera asked.

“Trying to figure out why our electric was so expensive. Have you seen it? It's like we left every light in the apartment on, the entire month.”

“Was that what you were talkin' about, last night?”

“Yes! Weren't you listening?”

“Tryin', but you woke me up. . .”

“Why're you recording me, anyway?” She raised a pierced eyebrow, when the camera stood between her perch and the coffee table. Peripheral view offered sight of the cameraman's worn jeans and bare feet.

“Because you looked beautiful today, and I wanted to capture that.”

“Then why not take a picture?” Her tone and the beginnings of a smile erased skepticism from brown eyes. “Why the video?”

“Well. . .”

“Come on Brad, just be straight with me. If you wanna shoot one, say so. I could be in the mood, if you keep telling me how good I look.”

Toki liked how the deep red lowlights in her hair complemented olive skin, but the confidence she exhibited between the couch and bedroom captivated him more. It didn't matter to him or her boyfriend that acne speckled her chest, or that short, bristly hairs darkened her armpits. In part of touching whatever part of her he could, Brad scratched where she'd too avoided shaving her legs.

“Are you going to set that thing down, or what?”

While Brad fiddled with it, Claire (as he'd addressed her) took up on the bed behind. Toki eyed up the black set of plugs she set on the bedside table, beside a half-empty bottle of lube. “Babe, did you want to wear one of yours?”

“Sure.” The camera panned quickly down, confirming his failed attempt to prop it. “Probably just the small. Can't hold the medium all that well, yet.”

“You underestimate yourself.”

“Kinda hard, when you're fucking.”

“Just pinch your buttcheeks.”

“Says the expert.”

She laughed. “Yeah right.”

Her relative lack of expertise once the two of them convened laid Toki on his stomach, feet idly moving to and fro in the air. Brad's dorky comments made it hard for her to insert a plug, since laughter continuously distracted. Once it was in, Brad's face disappeared between her legs.

Memory of his own experience eating a woman out in Chicago kindled a fire in the depths of Toki's stomach. He enjoyed it a lot more than he expected, even in hindsight without alcohol in his system. Maybe, if he went to that party with anyone but Skwisgaar, Toki would assert how nasty a slippery, wet chin was. He'd fervently deny ever willing to do it again, not even if paid or threatened. Now that he had a boyfriend, he'd claim penis as the superior genitalia. However. . .Skwisgaar was right. Getting into a relationship with a man shouldn't mean he had to close the book on women. Thank Odin, he and Skwisgaar allowing themselves to quench their various thirsts outside of each other disengaged any guilt Toki might feel for squirming with growing excitement. If he dated anyone but Skwisgaar, this would _not_ be okay. What guy wanted their boyfriend watching porn in _his_ bed, eyes glued to a member of the opposite sex?

A line of clear fluid stuck to Brad's bottom lip, until distance and gravity broke it. While they shifted about, Toki did the same; on his side, he fished blindly in his jeans for his cock. It earned a couple strokes as Brad took up behind Claire, although Toki paused when Brad eased her plug out. Caught up in the moment, with lowered inhibitions and stress, he wouldn't mind adding something of the like. Toys intimidated Toki—not that he owned any except for that misplaced green dildo from days past—so he pushed his pants off and reached down past his sac.

Now that he traced his hole, Toki hesitated. He hadn't done so, since right after the attack. Dealing with it in the shower was too quick an affair to ever note how it may have changed. Thanks to Rosa though, it didn't feel too different. Maybe its appearance altered with a scar, but his flesh was no longer mangled, crusty, or wet with blood. Trying not to remember it for that, Toki took a deep, calming breath and massaged the exterior nerves.

Listening to Brad and Claire go at it with closed eyes made Toki want more. Cock aching for attention, Toki sought out the mainstay bottle of lube Skwisgaar kept by his bed leg. He returned to his previous occupation, fondly wishing his boyfriend would show up just in time to eat him out. Then again, he enjoyed doing this for himself. When the porn ended, Toki scrolled through in the playback bar to where the sex began. Fixated again, his motions slowed and concentrated. In a fit of bravery, he permeated himself. With a deep breath, the tightness of his sphincter too was left behind.

Immediately, any patience left for Toki's cock to rest rock hard against his abdomen disappeared. He pressed his lips with determination, to keep from stroking himself off to the finish. Having never fingered himself before, he considered doing so in wake of such trauma a tremendous victory. Even if he went soft again, that feeling would remain. However, this on top of an erection pleading for any and all kind of attention? Priceless, and such a boost to his confidence.

Toki propped a pillow under his hips, to ease access to himself. Every stride of his fingers' length inside him encouraged a growing pool of precum to accumulate between his lower abdominal muscles. While strange at first, just like having his ass eaten, duration increased pleasure. Need for some sort of attention to his cock led to the compromise of massaging his sac. If he thought he ached before. . .

Even just _considering_ a third finger invoked a whine; Toki couldn't handle it anymore. Digits curled up against his prostate, he made as quick of work of himself as was possible with his left hand. Release rode on a tremble and gasp, as well as a spurt of cum across his shirt. Toki preoccupied himself more with muscles pulsating around his fingers. Like he'd discovered in Vegas, ass play elongated his orgasm. More than that though, everything still functioned the right way. No one had destroyed his capability for enjoying at least this.

Cleaned up and changed, Toki laid on his stomach again with his phone opened to the text conversation he shared with Skwisgaar. He wanted to tell him about today's victory, but it seemed something better said face to face. Besides that, Toki hadn't exactly told him all necessary to understand just what a big deal this was.

 _'Love u'_ , he settled on. Reply in kind, even if it came an hour later when Toki had nearly forgotten what he said, stuck his chest out with further glee. 


	78. Micromanager

Come afternoon, Toki finally managed to scrape together enough motivation to tote his laptop back to his own bedroom. Headphones on after connecting his keyboard, he'd barely warmed up his fingers when his phone lit up. Charles' stern picture elicited a groan.

“Hellos?”

“Hi, Toki. Ah, I've returned to my office and I was hoping you and I could have a little talk. Do you have time to swing by?”

Toki had nothing _but_ time, unfortunately. In hesitant agreement, he pawed his computer shut and headed out. A myriad of possibilities for subject matter flowed through his mind; did Charles finally have the chance to ask the same questions everyone else wanted to?

Didn't Charles say neither of them would accept interviews? Was he the exception to the rule?

“Come on in,” Charles invited Toki when his knuckles softly rapped the office door. Wasting no breath with pleasantries, Toki immediately slumped down in one of the chairs before the desk. Paper stacked neatly before Charles, and he lightly held a pen at the ready. A clear of his throat drew Toki's attention away from it. “Thanks for coming. Now that you've had the chance to rest and the public relations side has been dealt with, I'd like to focus on the personal fronts.”

“Okay.”

“First of all, I called Dr. Twinkletits. He says you haven't made an appointment with him, since returning.”

Toki shrugged. “I'ves been too busy.”

“I can book one and text you the time and date?”

“I's an adult, I cans do it on my owns.” Toki narrowed one eye in annoyance. He'd grown used to caring for himself, and it might take some adjusting before he so easily allowed Charles to micromanage his life again.

“Very well.” Charles scratched out what he'd dashed down. “Let's talk about Ludwig.”

With everything else that came after, Toki forgot about the second murder in his and Skwisgaar's road trip. He suppressed external reaction from a flipping stomach. “Whats about him?”

“I've already cleaned that up. The crime scene is immaculate, the evidence destroyed, and Ludwig's body returned to his family for a quiet burial. Ah, I took the liberty of covering the funeral costs and awarded them five million dollars in exchange for silence and damages, all from your account. I've already filed the receipts in their proper places.”

“Five—? Charles, you can'ts take that much of my monies without my permissions!”

“Forgive me Toki, but we've been over this many times. Do the crime and pay the price. I couldn't exactly get in contact with you and one less grieving mother blowing up my phone did me a gigantic favour while I was trying to locate you and Skwisgaar.”

“Whatevers, then.” Toki waved it off. Even if Charles settled with the Wikingers for nothing, he'd still be mad. Why, he couldn't figure out yet. Micromanaging, maybe. But he'd hoped that Charles _would_ clean up his mess and, at the end of it all, he truly was grateful. So then, where did this pit of annoyance come from?

“Did you commit any other crimes that I should know about, in your absence?”

“Nots that I know of. . .unless that Mustang was considered stolens.”

“I already reimbursed the owner. Little things like that, I'm not worried about. Anything at the felony level? Other murders?”

“Ares you counting outside the States, too?” With a nod to confirm, Toki carried on. “A couples, ja, but they was in selfs-defence. I hads to do it, to gets us out of Mexico. Raina Gallegos and Francisco Salazar.”

Charles' pen scratched away. “Can you give me anymore information about them? The Gallegos name sounds familiar.”

“Raina owned a lots of real estate in Las Vegas, that she used as a covers-up to brings people in across the border. She was the ones that tooks us in out of the desert. Well, not her specificallies, but a couple of the guys that worked for her.”

“Right, I've seen her name on various property listings, for damage assessment. She won't be able to claim anything now, which should save us quite a few millions. She was a human trafficker, you said?”

“Which I guess is how she gots us out of Vegas. She tooks us to Albuquerque first, befores down to Monterrey.” Toki skipped major details. “Thats is where we mets Francisco. They planned to keeps us, but we gots out. Um. . .as you knows.”

“Right. And who was he? Anyone important that I'll need to erase?”

“Ran some cartel, I don'ts know. Unless you wants to put a stop to all that stuff happenings in Mexico, I don'ts think you's going to makes everyone that worked underneath him forgets.”

“Cartels are to our advantage, that way. Someone will step up to replace him, and this time next week his name will be forgotten. I should perhaps send a memo to the DEA that he's been put down, since I'm sure he's been on their radar.”

“Right.” Toki's stomach soured as he considered a young face that got lost through the last couple of hectic days. “Whats is the chances that you'd be ables to go down to Monterrey, to make sure someone's safe?”

“Who?”

“There was this littles girl named María. She was abouts ten years old, or so. . .she belonged to Raina, but Francisco was goings to try to find her real family. So he saids, anyway.” Toki didn't really have reason to doubt Francisco's promise, but at this point anyone to do with that time period earned immediate suspicion. “She doesn'ts have anyone to takes care of her, anymore.”

“Is it at all necessary, to check the places where you were kept? Did you leave anything behind, that necessitates destruction?”

“We lefts behind a little kid surroundeds by crazy drug cartel peoples, isn't that enoughs to go back for?” Toki snapped.

Removing his glasses, Charles pinched the bridge of his nose. “If it makes you feel better, I'll send someone. Do you have an address? Full name?”

“I don'ts remember the exact address, but I remembers it was up on a hill lookings north at the city. You can't sees the big mountain from it untils you gets down closer to Monterrey. The house was pretties big. . .kinds of off-white, with a gate. There's bloods in the courtyard, stainings the walkways.”

“Blood?”

“Ja, I guess someone got killeds there, or something.” Toki rubbed his elbow. “Ums. . .I don'ts know María's last name, but she was abouts this tall. Can't speaks English. She was froms Honduras.”

“I'll put that order out as soon as we're done here,” Charles promised. “Did you do anything else, while gone?”

“You'll haves to talk to Skwisgaar about his. I don'ts think I dids anything else worth sayings. There isn'ts much more, afters killing three people, startings a war at the border, and destroyings an entire city.”

“Skwisgaar killed someone?”

“Ja, but I don'ts know if I should tells you about it. Is his own thing.”

“I mean to talk to him too, so I'll ask him then.” More notes were taken. “I heard mention that you and Skwisgaar are romantically involved?”

“Ja.”

“This is something you're interested in confining to Mordhaus?”

“We hasn'ts talked about it, but I assume so.”

“Is that why you and he left?”

“No.”

“May I ask the reason, then?”

“We didn'ts mean for it to goes that far. Skwisgaar will tells you more abouts it, because it wasn'ts my choice. I wokes up in Connecticut and he thoughts it would be a good idea to keeps heading west.”

“I see.”

Tightness in Charles' lips hinted at resurfacing irritation toward the entire scenario. “You aren'ts going to yells at him, are you?”

“Not much point, is there?”

“Dids you need anything else?” Toki hated seeing Charles angry, especially when he kept his voice low. That more than a reddened face, jabbing finger, and flying spittle terrified him.

“One more question: what can be done, in future, to ensure that this never happens again?”

“Nothings, really.” Toki averted his gaze when Charles frowned. “I means, we didn'ts plan it. Afters what we went through, neithers of us is too keens to does it again. We liked gettings away from the stress, but woulds be way better now to haves klokateers with us so that we gots peace of mind.”

“That's what I hoped to hear. If you're telling me that Skwisgaar initiated the road trip all on his own, then he and I have more to discuss than his felony. _Felonies_ , possibly.”

“I. . .thinks he only had the one,” Toki hedged. Had he gotten Skwisgaar into trouble? “Cans I go now?”

“If I have any other questions, I'll give you a call. And I'll update you on this. . .María girl.”

“Thanks you.”

Distracted, Toki half-heartedly tapped at his keyboard when he returned to his room. Maybe this wasn't meant to happen today, either. Without Skwisgaar or Abigail, what the hell did he do with himself? Would he be any help if he popped in at the studio? More than likely not. . .

He couldn't rely so much on his friends, when they had their own lives. Why didn't Toki have something to define himself by? Maybe that would change once Skwisgaar had some guitar parts for him to learn. If Charles didn't put so much back on his mind, Toki could potentially get something recorded for his own project. Stupid stress. He wanted to return to the road trip mindset, when all he had to worry about was where Skwisgaar was, where they were going, and when next his dick would earn attention. Pushing Charles, Mordhaus, and the rest of the stupid world out of his mind, Toki's fingers flowed over the keyboard. A small smile preceded satisfaction when he replayed it.

Gentle weight on his shoulders later made Toki jump. Slapping his headphones down around his neck, he exhaled roughly when met with a deep chuckle. “What ams you doings?”

“Nothings, whats is _you_ doing?” Toki's heart pounded. Self-conscious of his work, he minimized the window. “You scareds me.”

“I beens talking to you for likes thirty seconds. You didn'ts hear?” Skwisgaar's Thunderhorse laid on the bed. The man himself lowered onto Toki's lap. “We ams all goings to eat soon. Comings, or what?”

“I's gettings a bit hungry, I guess.” Toki gently squeezed him. “Hows it goings with them?”

“Ugh, don'ts talk to me abouts dat. Ams good, but dis ams a break time.”

How could Skwisgaar be so relaxed, after such a long day? Tentatively, Toki waited for the ghost scent of perfume to touch his nostrils, or for someone else's breath when Skwisgaar leaned in for a kiss. Toki squeezed one of his thighs, when unable to handle his curiosity any longer. “Just gets your dick sucked, or what?”

“Littles while ago. Why?”

“You're so calms.”

“I can'ts be happy to sees you? It amn'ts de same, when I'm stucks in dere all day. Every time we text, Nat'an start gettings up into a huff, so I don'ts have much choice but to keeps focus. Evens den, when he ams in de recording booth and Pickle ams engineering, I ams t'inking about what you ams maybe doing.”

“Waitings for something construtives to do, mostly. I practiced earlier.” Toki earned a fresh smile and kiss to the forehead. “Talkeds to Charles about Ludwig and tolds him minimally what happeneds after Vegas. He wants to ask you abouts that lady you killed.”

“Betty?” Skwisgaar's brow knitted together. “Why?”

“Cleans it up, all that kind of stuff. Possiblies get pissy with you. . .he was with _me_ , toward the end.”

“Oh good, somet'ing to looks forward to.” Arms loose around Toki's shoulders, Skwisgaar toyed idly with some ends of his hair. “What would you t'ink about skippings eating wit' de ot'er guys? I woulds rat'er just hangs out wit' you fors a bit. I forgots how exhausking it ams arounds dem.”

“That's because beings Mr. Cool requires effort.”

“ _Pff_.” For both comfort and accessibility's sake, Skwisgaar shifted to straddle Toki. The toes of his boots grazed the floor as he idly swung his legs.

Toki untucked Skwisgaar's shirt through their affection, wishing to feel the warm skin of his back. As the other man arched to press up closer, a resounding knock at the door upset their growing avidity. Skwisgaar's eyes widening before a neutral expression slipping into place alerted Toki quicker than a growl of disgust who'd come.

“What the hell, guys?”

“You coulds has waited to be inviteds in, and we ams in privacy anyway,” Skwisgaar snapped back. “What dids you want? Or ams you just going to stands dere and looks at us like some weirdo fish?”

“Just. . .seeing if you'd found Toki.” Looking back over his shoulder offered Toki nothing more than peripheral view. He imagined Nathan's fleeting gaze to accompany an awkward hand on the back of his neck. “You, uh. . .you guys coming to eat? We ordered in Chinese.”

“What ifs you cames in here and we were nakeds, Nat'an? Maybes now you learned your lesson to knocks—”

“Just shut up, Skwisgaar. Are you eating or not?”

“Ja, but we ams probably goings to does it on our owns.”

“Why?”

“So we cans be alones for a while. Goes away.”

“Whatever. Suit yourselves, dildos.”

When his door clicked shut, Toki lightly scratched at Skwisgaar's back to regain his attention. “Is it worths pissing him off?”

“I deals wit' it,” Skwisgaar threw away. “He'll be overs it by de time me, hims, and Pickle gets back to de studio.”

“I hope so, for your sakes.”

“Don'ts worry about me.” A kiss set them back toward their previous occupation. “I cans take care of myself.” 


	79. Future as You Know It

“Really? Are you guys fucking kidding me, right now?”

Toki sighed impatiently. “Ares _you_ kidding? We aren'ts even doing anything! You gots all weird when we sats beside each other, and now you's making a fuss about us lookings and _talking_ to each other?”

Dining with the band turned out more complicated than Toki expected, even a couple days later. Even if a couple feet separated all their individual seats, unspoken discomfort clogged the air until Skwisgaar used some excuse about sitting on the end in order to switch places with Murderface. Apparently leaning forward to talk past him to Skwisgaar was no longer acceptable, even for something innocuous.

“You could just ask Murderface. He's closer, anyway.”

“Does you think that 'pass the salt' mean somethings different? We don'ts got code words, Nathan. If I wanteds to fuck him later, I'd just say so.”

“Toki!” Nathan's fist connected with the tabletop. “Don't use that language at the dinner table, people are trying to eat.”

“Wowie, I'm so sorries that you's too _sensitives_ to handles the idea of two guys goings at it.” Toki pushed his chair out. “I's done anyway. Screws you all off.”

Toki regretted leaving Skwisgaar to deal with those assholes alone, but he'd follow if he couldn't stand it anymore either. Who did Nathan think he was? Whenever Abigail came around, no one put up a fuss if they sat together in the hot tub, spoke at the dinner table, or shared a quick kiss if they all happened to watch a movie together. But _no_ , as soon as Toki and Skwisgaar so much as bat an eye in the others' direction, a problem arose. What bullshit. What was the difference, even? At face value, Toki liked two of his friends in love. He never had to worry about whether or not he approved of Nathan's partner. Abigail's, on the other hand? Sometimes, Toki didn't know how she put up with that tub of stupid.

Skwisgaar never showed up in Toki's room within the next half hour, leaving him to conclude that the man had finished his meal through the uncomfortable silence. Afterward, he'd probably followed Pickles and Nathan right back to the studio. Toki wished he and Skwisgaar could see more of each other than at meals and at bedtime. Last night, Skwisgaar came in so late Toki merely woke up in the morning to find he'd crashed beside him.

They'd only been home for four or five days, but Toki missed Skwisgaar like an arm. He didn't fare well on his own, after attaching himself to the other man's hip. Although he gave Skwisgaar all the space he needed for work, Toki's heart protested the entire way. If he didn't have his own music to relentlessly create, rediscovering Skwisgaar therein with the chords he inspired, what would he do with himself? Toki promised he'd never become so reliant on someone else, but pre-existing codependency with Skwisgaar overinflated into an entirely different creature with the road trip at their back.

Maybe this time apart was good for them, in a sense. Now that they didn't have to rely on one another simply to survive, they could readjust to their regular lives. Toki made a point to sometime ask Skwisgaar his needs in that regard, so that he could pinpoint a comfortable position between letting their relationship run cold and annoying the man with clinginess.

For tonight, it didn't matter. Toki meant to make his way to the doctor pretty soon. His sexual health tests had all taken the three days necessary to complete. Now that his initial panic about getting it done abated, Toki saw waltzing down to the hospital wing more a necessary chore than something to worry about. None of the symptoms Abigail listed off manifested, and Toki felt fine. Skwisgaar too, other than fatigue resultant from long days in the studio, seemed in perfect health. Surely, from all his run-ins with infections and diseases, Skwisgaar had a sixth sense for when he'd contracted yet another. Toki trusted him completely to tell him too, not that he didn't have adequate chance to notice puss seeping from Skwisgaar's dick or a fresh herpes break-out.

As he entered the hallway, his phone went off. Charles' picture popped up; Toki hadn't spoken to him since visiting his office and hesitated to answer. However, maybe he'd already heard word of María's position and health. “Hellos?”

“Evening, Toki. When will you be going to see Dr. Graveworm?”

“I's on my way right now. Why?”

“Will Skwisgaar be accompanying you?”

“He's in the studios.”

“Right. I'll meet you there, then.”

Toki frowned after sliding his phone back into his pocket, for why would Charles need to be present? Didn't Dr. Graveworm just update him on their health via email?

Whatever it was, Charles beat him there. He leaned against the wall with his arms crossed, making small talk with Dr. Graveworm, who situated in his desk chair. They both hushed when Toki entered.

“Take a seat. Whatever.” Dr. Graveworm indicated the examination table. Not exactly liking that neither man would meet his eyes, nerves fell back into Toki's stomach.

“Is everything okays?”

“That's what we're going to talk about.” File in hand, Dr. Graveworm rolled closer. “You checked out for minor stuff. However, we need to talk about some antibodies I found in your bloodstream.”

Toki glanced at Charles, but said nothing. Was this why he came? Did he already hear bad news, before Toki had the chance?

“The HIV test came back positive.”

In the silence that followed, Graveworm's clock ticked annoyingly loud. Toki couldn't react, even if he wanted to. A couple instances between Sunday and today, it'd graced his mind. _'Not me, never me'_ , probably such a typical form of denial, had shoved his fear back down. If Skwisgaar didn't have HIV, after all the fucking he did through the years, then obviously Toki couldn't catch it.

“What's on your mind right now?”

Toki took another moment to ponder his response. “I don'ts know. Am I goings to die? Isn'ts this the same thing as AIDS, or something?”

“It can turn into it, potentially. Given the developments over the past decade toward treating HIV though, its doubtful you will ever need to worry about it. Not to mention how quickly we caught it in your system. Your last test, on. . .” Graveworm consulted his paperwork, “March thirty-first came back clean of the virus. Most likely, you contracted it during your absence.”

“Right.” A vision of laying beaten and bloody in his bed at Francisco's flashed before Toki's eyes.

“You may need some time to get over the initial shock of this diagnosis. Once you have, we can begin discussing it further and begin treatment so that your health doesn't degrade. So long as you understand people with HIV can live a productive life, then I will consider this discussion a success.”

“Sure.”

“Have you thought yet about who you'll discuss your result with? Are you still seeing Twinkletits regularly?”

Toki nodded, attention flickering. “I'll, um. . .I'll have to talk to Skwisgaar.”

Further discussion met closed ears. Only with a hand on his shoulder did Toki put all his effort in concentrating on Charles. “Would you rather I did that? It's one less thing for you to deal with.”

“Noes, it shoulds be me. But thanks you for offering. Can I goes?”

“Did you want company, or would you rather be alone right now?”

“Alones, I think.” Toki's gaze skated across the floor. “Ja, that sounds better. I sees you later.”

Fugue ensured that Toki remembered barely anything between sitting on the examination table and then back at his desk. He'd left off in the middle of a song; now he questioned whether or not Skwisgaar actually nabbed him for dinner, or if he'd merely fallen asleep while working. Deciding to go with the latter and wait for Skwisgaar to come, Toki brought his computer out of sleep mode and found the part he'd been attempting to fix.

As his mind cleared, his spine straightened back out. The work in front of him ensnared and offered something else to dwell on. Obsessively, he listened back through and reconsidered every single individual track. One got deleted, then re-recorded with a different tempo. That sounded better. Then another needed attention. . .

Pushing onward, stress caked his veins. Like a gasoline vehicle running on diesel, Toki's engine knocked and eventually came to a stop. None of it was a dream. He'd gone to dinner, threw his arms up at Nathan's bullshit, then visited the doctor. He had HIV. More than that, he'd more than likely passed it along to Skwisgaar.

His brief stint downstairs already seemed like a hundred years in the past, with how little he recalled. The doctor told him he wouldn't die, right? But was that really the worst case scenario here? Illness like this would change everything about his life—everything he'd ever known. Sex would never be the same. Selfishly, for half a second, he hoped that Skwisgaar _did_ have it just so that they wouldn't have to worry about condoms. They were a small price to pay though, if it meant Skwisgaar could remain free. He needed to know, though. Skwisgaar needed to go downstairs and get tested, as well. How would he take the news? Of course, this more than likely wasn't his first scare, but what chance did he have? Toki hadn't cum inside him since the rape, so at least there was that. He'd have to tell Skwisgaar that, to illuminate the situation's optimism, and that could potentially bring on a whole new slew of conversation they needed to have. Why— _why—_ did Toki let that go when it happened? Why did he keep letting things build up?

Music was a lost cause tonight. Closing his computer, Toki departed his room. It probably wasn't the best idea ever, but a bottle of vodka came into his grasp as he headed for Mordhaus' roof. He didn't wish to be found, and nowhere else in the viking citadel would ever offer such peace.

Up there, nothing seemed wrong except for a slew of goosebumps that rose with a spring breeze. The alcohol would fix it in short order; Toki did the carbohydrate math, to ensure he'd eaten enough bread at dinner to keep his blood sugar level. Right then though, he honestly couldn't care if small sips eventually sent him into a hypoglycemic episode. He had HIV. He kept telling himself that, but besides this heavy, nasty feeling all through his body, it refused to truly sink in. This shouldn't ever happen to him. If anything, Skwisgaar should be the first one to receive that news within Mordhaus.

How mad would Skwisgaar be? What threat did this hold on their relationship? After the nosedive Toki's life already took in the last few weeks, he couldn't handle losing one of the few things that made it worth getting up in the morning. Then again, he wouldn't blame Skwisgaar. Hell, he'd be more than angry if the tables were turned. Why wasn't he more careful? Of course, wearing a condom that first night back at Mordhaus would've guaranteed inability to maintain an erection. Having less than a minute of unfulfilling sex was apparently more important than that.

When only the lights from the guard towers illuminated Toki's position, his phone buzzed in his pocket. A couple hours since passed and with it came a text from Skwisgaar asking his location. Toki typed out half a response before cancelling it and returning his phone to his pocket. He wasn't ready yet.

More texts came, the next about ten minutes later, then eight, five, two, and then a couple like rapid-fire. A period of silence followed before one final text. The next contact Toki had came even further into the night, when alcohol and fatigue threatened to close his eyes. A voice from behind hardly caused reaction, with all the depressants running through his system.

“What ams you doings up here?”

“Huh?” Toki glanced over his shoulder; Skwisgaar approached with his arms crossed against the cold, concerned expression in place.

“I'ves been tryings to find you. Someone said dey saws you comes up here.” He paused. “Ams you drinking straights vodka?”

“Dids you want some?”

With a sigh as his answer, Skwisgaar dropped down beside Toki. “You ams up here all alones drinking, not answerings my texts. What ams de matter?”

“Shitties day,” Toki hedged. “Nathan is stupids.”

“You ams tellings me. I didn'ts want to says anyt'ing, but he ams been like dat all week so far, in de studio. _Pff_.” Skwisgaar sneered. “Why I gots to defend it all de time, you knows? Just gets over it. Why it matter, dat I likes men? It ams metal and brutal, so what ams de big deal?”

“Uh huh.” Another knife plunged into Toki's chest. He could've guessed, but that didn't make it hurt any less. “He's being such an assholes. Even Pickle and Moidaface don't seems to care. Is just him. Maybes I should ask Abigail if he saids anything to her. Is he serious? Sometimes I can'ts even tell.”

“Ja, I don'ts know.” Skwisgaar eyed the vodka bottle out of the corner of his eye. “You know whats? Pass dat overs.”

They sat in silence together, looking beyond Mordhaus' boundaries toward the city lights. The words rested on Toki's tongue, but he couldn't wrestle them any further. Just when he thought he'd worked up the courage, Skwisgaar lobbed the empty bottle over the roof's edge. After a short delay, the glass shattered on the ground below.

“Ams you readies to hit de sack, or whats?” 


	80. Half a Brain

Skwisgaar brushed his teeth in the adjoined bathroom, visible in the mirror through the cracked door when he bent down to rinse his mouth. Toki laid on his side with his eyes nearly closed; the alcohol caught up to him, but he hadn't drank enough to forget. Like Skwisgaar's unspoken disappointment, Toki wished their night hadn't turned this direction. If they wanted to get drunk together in silence, they could've done so in the hot tub with the other guys.

Under the blanket together, Skwisgaar looped an arm around Toki's middle. “Ams you goings to fall asleeps right away?”

“Probablies not.”

Could they even kiss, anymore? If not, then Skwisgaar probably already caught this illness. Toki still couldn't relax, whenever anything more than lips touched his. He pulled back as Skwisgaar attempted to delve further yet again. His cringe deepened when, as Skwisgaar studied him in the dim lamplight, he hadn't the chance to neutralize his expression.

“What?” The line in Skwisgaar's jowl deepened with a sneer. “Because of all dis shit Nat'an ams doing, it am suddenlies gross to makes out wit' me?”

“No.”

“Den what ams up wit' you, tonight? Gettings drunk by yourself, nots talking, pullings away from me like dis. . .” Skwisgaar lost heart when Toki's bottom lip trembled without prompt. “Tells me what am wrong den, if it amn'ts Nat'an.”

“He don'ts help,” Toki admitted. Embarrassed, he wiped his eyes. This couldn't wait until tomorrow, for when would he even _see_ Skwisgaar? The longer he put it off, the more trouble he'd get into. “Cans I just talk for a minute?”

“Shore.”

“I don'ts want to puts anything else on your plate because you gots enough, but I haven'ts been doing all that great since we gots home. That first night we weres back? I didn'ts cum super fast. I didn'ts cum at _all_. You knows I's having trouble with sex, but isn'ts easy to admit when you can't stays hard.” Toki fidgeted, unable to meet Skwisgaar's gaze. “I wanteds to tells you that first, because I didn'ts want you to freaks out about what I learneds today. Abigail mades me go to the doctor after beings away to gets checked out, and the doctor tolds me earlier that I have HIV.”

“H—? What dids he say, _exactly?_ ” Skwisgaar asked. “Are you shore he tolds you dat ams a hundred perskent positives?”

“He saids it was positive. I don'ts know, I can'ts really remember what we talked abouts. Charles was there, though. . .there was somethings about treatment, and I saids I would talks to you. Um. . .”

“What kinds of test did he does?”

“He tooks my bloods, said something about antibodies.” Toki rubbed his hands together fitfully on top of the blanket. “I'm so sorries. Ifs I knew, I wouldn'ts has had sex with you at all. Maybes you don'ts have it though, right? It's possibles?”

“I'll go downs in de morning and gives up some bloods,” Skwisgaar offered, gaze stuck to his fingernails. “See where I'ms at. Ifs you dids gives it to me, it won't shows up untils at least anot'er week and a half.”

“Then why goes before then?”

“Because I hads unprotected sex on our road trip too, befores you and I slept toget'er. Chicago,” Skwisgaar reminded him. “Don'ts blame yourself quite yet. Dis might not be your faults.”

“There's such a high chance that you mights have it. How cans you be so calm?”

“I've gone down dere before to does tests, certain dats I hads it. I always cames out of it okay.” A hand laid on Toki's hip. “You ams de one dat am positives for now, so don'ts worry about me just yet. I'll deals wit' dat when I gets to it. How ams _you?_ ”

“Scareds,” Toki admitted. “I don'ts know what to expect.”

A hug certainly wasn't on his radar. Regardless, Toki held onto Skwisgaar for all he was worth. Shouldn't he be yelled at, for being so stupid? Then again, Skwisgaar might have done something even stupider. What if the tables _were_ turned? They could've used condoms, after fucking in Chicago. Not that Toki would've wanted to, just as blinded by the sense of invincibility, but Skwisgaar could've at least _suggested_ them.

For now, Toki hoped for the best case scenario; Skwisgaar would go down in the morning, his blood would come back clean, and every test he took until the window period closed would read similarly. In all honesty, Toki would much rather be raped by someone HIV-positive than get it from his boyfriend, if it meant his boyfriend got a pass. Toki could deal with his own bullshit about it. He'd get back to therapy, get on whatever medication they wanted to throw his way, and shut up about the entire ordeal.

Possibility of contracting it through Skwisgaar wasn't one Toki wished to deal with. He knew he'd be angrier than hell, but who could he really blame? Since when was Skwisgaar ever responsible, sexual health-wise? Shouldn't Toki have known better than to go bareback with a cum dump? Was Skwisgaar behaving so well because he hoped it would dissuade the inevitable fallout of his own stupidity?

“You thinks you got it first, don'ts you?”

“I can'ts know, untils I goes and get checked.”

“But you suspects you got it in Chicago.” Toki pulled away from Skwisgaar, sitting up with a frown. “Don'ts be like this. You owes me the truth. I hads to feel totally emsbarrassed to tells you about not beings able to gets it up, so you tells me what really goings through your mind. Is that whys you being so nice to me rights now?”

“Toki, just—”

“No, you tells me. You aren'ts doing yourself or us any favours by lyings. Ifs I can't trust that you won't says what really goings on, then how wills I evers know when you're honest with me? We didn'ts build this relatesingip on lies, or on feedings each other delusions so that we won'ts fight.” Toki narrowed his eyes. “Or dids we?”

“I don'ts know, you tells me. You just admitteds dat you nevers told me de truth about how hard sex had becomes for you.”

“That's totallies different! You alreadies knews I hads problems, just nots the details. I was emsbarrassed!”

“Maybes I'ms unsbarrassed too!” Skwisgaar shot back. “You t'ink I ams proud dat I wents out, got shots into by a whole bunch of guys after takings at face value dat dey was all as clean as dey claimed, and den gaves dat disease to you? You don'ts t'ink I ams a little ashamed?”

“ _You's_ ashamed? Does you even realize what I's been thinking about myself today?” Goddammit; tearing up only made Toki angrier. “I woulds rather have gottens it from being raped, because that means that you hads a chance to be clean. I would rather deals with the possibility that I coulds never actually gets over what happened, because somethings they left in me would eventuallies kill me. I would shoulders all the weight just so you don'ts have to, I woulds rather face the possibility that you mights leave me because I's disgusting and can'ts even gets it up anyway. If I cans be honest about _that_ , then why can'ts you tells me what's really goings on?”

Sighing, Skwisgaar ran his fingers back through his hair. “You ams right. I don'ts know how to handle dis. I don'ts wish to be de one dat gaves it to you, because you haves enough to deals wit'. But dat doesn'ts change dat you have it, so. . .maybes I amn'ts as okay as I ams putting off.”

“Ares you scared?” Toki carried on when he got a nod. “Then says it. You don'ts does me any favours by pretendings you're okay. Ifs you have it, then what does it really matters who gaves it to who? Eithers way, both of us were stupids. Rosa gaves me a round of antibiotics for anythings minor after my attack, so something bigger shoulds has been on my radar. Eithers one of us coulds has suggesteds a condom, when we started fucking in the first place.”

“Ja.”

“So talks to me, then. Will you be mads at me, if I gots it from being raped and gaves it to you Sunday night?”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “Dat amn'ts your fault. I can'ts get mad at you when I didn'ts t'ink about it either. Maybes dat t'ing my mom used to says about boys pallings around together was true. And am _stills_ true, when you grows up.”

“What'd she say?”

“One boy, one brain. Two boys, halfs a brain. Three or more boys, no brains.”

“We woulds need one more guy around to explains why this happen.”

Shared chuckles crippled some of the room's tension, as well as the knot of anger in Toki's stomach. Still, whatever point laid in that, an underlying issue still bothered him. “Skwis, why does you still tries to lie to me sometimes? Aren'ts we past this, yet?”

“It amn'ts dat I try, I just. . .don'ts want you to hates me. Afters dealing wit' herpes and countless rounds of de clap, I shoulds have dis at de fronts of my mind. But I didn'ts, and now it amn'ts just me dat I'ves hort, but someone dat I cares a lot abouts. I have somet'ing to lose in all dis.”

“The only problem is that you lies to me. Cans you imagine what we woulds be like, if I didn'ts pick up on it right away? How woulds that be anything worth being prouds of?”

“It wouldn't.” Skwisgaar sat up with Toki, mirroring him with crossed legs. “You haves to admit though, dat you haves kept t'ing from me too. Maybe you haves different reason, some dat ams good, but amn'ts always easy to be straightforwards. I nevers want to hort you, and I hates it when dis am all we sees of each other in de day and dat time am spents not gettings along.”

“We don'ts have to fight. Is a shitty situation, ja, but we needs to deal with it like adults. I don'ts like it anymore than _you_ do, that this is what we spents tonight talking about, but is necessary. We still haves a relatesingip to maintain. It isn'ts always going to be layings in bed pawings at each other.”

“I guess it don't mean we haves to fight if we ams on de same page about it. I don'ts t'ink dis am your fault, ifs I gots it from you. Wills you t'ink dis am _my_ fault, ifs you gets it from me?”

“I shoulds has known to puts a condom on after seeings how many people puts it to you that night. You weren'ts in your right mind either, evens if you had comes down from the meth you took.” Toki lazily latched their fingers. “I mades myself responsibles for us, that night. I carrieds you back to the motel, decideds when we shoulds leave, all that stuffs. I coulds has told you no, but. . .I wanteds to fuck you, and I didn'ts want no stupid rubber betweens us anyway.”

“Why nots?”

“Isn'ts it obvious? You knows how I already felts about you. Does you remembers that time we talked about romantics? I saids I was too olds for it, you saids I sounded cynicals?”

“Vaguely.”

“I can'ts help but think romantically sometimes. I wanteds to believe that for one night we coulds be something without consequence. Well. . .I guess that isn'ts really romantic in the flowers and candlelit dinners way, but you gets it, right?”

Skwisgaar snorted. “Ja, I gets what you sayings.”

“Then afters we fuck once that way, whats it matter if we does it again? Ifs I got something froms you, I already hads it. Who cares?” Toki shrugged. “So the long answer is no, I can't says that I woulds thinks is your fault.”

“So den we ams on de same page. We agrees dat we face dis like adults, and as a team. Dere ams no blamings game to play. We just takes it as it am.” Skwisgaar paused. “So if dat am alls dere am to says about dat for tonight, cans we do somet'ing else befores we fall asleep?”

“Likes what?”

“How dids you puts it. . .lays in bed and paws at each other?”

Fresh laughter helped Toki further push aside his concerns surrounding the situation. No matter what happened, it never seemed like such a big deal when facing it with support. Reinforced endearment settled for nothing less than Skwisgaar enveloped in his arms and the scent of his shampoo entering his lungs through long, slow pulls of air.

“Hey?”

Toki's eye cracked open. “Mhm.”

“Dat t'ing you mentioned, dat you ams having trouble stayings hard.” A hard swallow on Toki's part earned him a gentle rub on the back. “It ams a normals t'ing to happen, afters being attacked like dat. You shouldn'ts feel ashamed about it. Ams fine by yourself?”

“Ja.”

“Den it amn'ts a physical issue.”

“Is goods, I guess.” Toki rolled his bottom lip through his teeth. “I just nevers had that problem before, you know? Nots unless I dranks way too much, but is hards to feel bad about it in that situation. Is emsbarrassing, when you can'ts get it up for somebody.”

“Ands fruskrating.”

“Is likes I said. It doesn'ts matter how badlies I want to fuck you, I just. . .can'ts make it work.”

Skwisgaar gravitated closer for a kiss to the cheek. “I amn'ts going to puts any pressure ons you. I ams looking forward to de day we gets to fuck again, but tryings to make you goes it any pace but your own ams only goings to make it worse.”

Toki thanked him with a nuzzle; when Skwisgaar tried to touch their lips, he held the man at bay with a hand on the shoulder. “Skwis. . .untils we find out—”

“You can'ts pass HIV orally, so stops dat.”

“You sure?”

“Hundreds perskent.”

“Well. . .okay.”

“You haves a lots to learn about it,” Skwisgaar observed, rubbing their noses instead. “I'll helps you, though. I knows enough, and am smarts to have someone at de doctor wit' you anyways, whenevers you go.”

“You'll comes?”

“Mhm.”

“Whats about de studio?”

“ _Pff_ , dere am t'ing more importants dan dat. And if Nat'an or Pickle have a problems, dey can bends over and lets me shoves it gently up deir asses.” 


	81. Undergird

Skwisgaar's text to Nathan and Pickles in the morning stating he'd head to the studio as soon as possible yielded no response. Under assumption that neither had yet to rise, Skwisgaar merely shrugged as he and Toki departed his room for the hospital wing.

“How ams you doing?”

“Nervous.” Toki wiped sweaty palms on his jeans. “Which don'ts make much sense. . .I alreadies knows I have it. How comes _you_ aren't like this? You's always cool as a cucumber, no matters what.”

“I t'inks I am just better at hidings it dan you.” Skwisgaar removed one of his hands from his pockets; held out straight, his fingers trembled like a newborn kitten caught outside on a mid-winter night. “What I ams going to do am goes wit' de assumpskin dat I haves it. Den all I ams hearing when de test come back am conformations. Ifs I don't have it, wills be a nice surprise.”

“For now,” Toki glumly reminded him of a potential six month's worth of testing.

“I ams really happy now dat one of de rules we mades about sleepings wit' ot'er people am to wears condoms. I don'ts know how I woulds feel about givings it to all dem ladies in Mexico, and downs in my stables when we gots home.” Skwisgaar cringed. “I alreadies have to wonder how many people I gaves it to in Chicago, dat night.”

“How manies people did you fuck, anyway?”

“Let's see. . .dere was you, dat Ronnie lady—although she wores a condom, so she shoulds be okay—and about seven or eights, before you showeds up? Anot'er handful, after? But dose ones all wore condoms, too.”

Toki sighed. “Goddamn it, Skwisgaar.”

“You don'ts have to tells me off. Believes me, I ams already kicking myself in de ass.”

“I's not, is just. . .how dids we get ourselves into this situation? How dids you go so many years without gettings HIV to begins with? You hads herpes. . .”

“Calls it luck, maybe. I amn'ts totalies dumb all de time about being safe. Most of de time I remembers condoms if I'm sleepings wit' groupies, and all de ladies in my stables am screened for dat sort of t'ing befores dey am broughts in. I guess dis am de time dat I shoulds has been carefuls. Apparentlies when you ams on meth, gettings dicks and cum in your ass ams more important dan your health.”

“Why meth, anyways?” When Skwisgaar used on their road trip, it make Toki too uncomfortable to ask. “All it does is wrecks your teeth, and is pretties much just for white trash anyway.”

“Amn'ts dat what you t'ink of me?” Skwisgaar bumped their shoulders. “Dat I ams white trash?”

“You's the good kind though. I always means it in a positives way when I calls you that. Meth is for reals trash.”

“But if I'ms using meth, den don'ts dat make me de bad kinds of trash?”

“Maybes a bit, but you aren'ts using it anymore.”

“Nah. Stopped smokings again, too.”

Toki failed to register that he hadn't seen Skwisgaar with a cigarette since Las Vegas. Smiling, he wrapped a hand loosely around the other man's forearm. “I guess now thats you have you guitar back, nots much of a need for it, huh?”

“Nots really, no. Me and Pickle smokes pot sometimes in de studio, but dat ams it. De occasional drinks. . .”

“I hopes this headache goes away pretty soon,” Toki remarked in reference to the previous night. “I shouldn'ts has drank that much. Seem stupids in hindsight, but I didn'ts know what else to do. That's stupids too, I guess. Is a dumbs way to deals with my problems.”

“Nots to menskin de strain it probably puts on your diabetes. Ands now, you ams going to gets de lecture again about livings healthy. Gettings good sleep, eatings well, avoidings drug and alcohol, stuffs like dat, since your immune system need all de help it can get.”

“Is that whats this is? It attacks my immune system?”

“When I thoughts I hads it a couple time, I lookeds t'ing up. Lots of what I reads was medicals mumbo-jumbo, but I t'ink it attack your white blood cells? And den when you gets below a certain numbers, dey calls it AIDS.”

Toki groaned at its mention. “I don'ts want that. Is its going to happens to me?”

“Dere ams good medications to keeps it from tornings into dat. Afters I give some bloods for de test, we'll talks to de doctor. You should start takings care of it right away.”

Skwisgaar led them to the blood lab. Toki sat outside and fiddled with his phone while he waited, rolling his eyes whenever a dulcet tone on his boyfriend's part resulted in a giggling nurse. Wasn't some level of shame necessary, in this situation? Still, when Skwisgaar emerged with a bandage neatly placed in the crook of his elbow, Toki leaned up to kiss his cheek before they carried on for Graveworm's office. Some things not changing, however sleazy Skwisgaar could be, comforted Toki at a time like this. Besides, if the nurse knew why Skwisgaar came, the fact that HIV didn't completely repulse others offered a brighter outlook for the future.

“Morning, boys. Take a seat.” Graveworm gestured at the two chairs beside his desk. “Just received a message from the lab. . .thanks for getting checked so quickly, Skwisgaar. Whatever.”

Skwisgaar breezed it off with a shrug. “We ams here to talks about Toki. What ams de forst step, now dat he ams positive?”

“Are you sure you two want to discuss this without Charles? I could call him down, I'm sure he'd come right away.”

“Why woulds we need him here?”

“It's generally best to have someone accompany you to your physician, when discussing these sorts of health issues.”

“Dat ams what I ams here for,” Skwisgaar stated, chin up. “I ams capable of understanding dis stuff. We don'ts need Charles to holds our hand t'rough everyt'ing, you knows.”

“All right, all right. Whatever.” Graveworm set Skwisgaar's file aside. “Even then, you're a potential candidate for the disease, so you too might lose track of the conversation.”

“I wills be fine. Just tells us what happen next.”

“Establishing a positive diagnosis is only the first step, of course. We'll need to do some further testing before treatment begins, to start a baseline on your CD4 count and viral load. We'll do a complete blood count, update the profile on your blood chemistry, run an HLA-B 5701. . .” Graveworm lost Toki, at that point. A scuff on his boot proved more captivating; while Toki resisted reaching down to work it off, the odd phrase permeated the fog filling his head. Beside him, Skwisgaar listened attentively and nodded intermittently to show he followed. “. . .We already have a close eye on your diabetes, so we won't bother with your blood sugar today. Same as other STDs, since you've already been tested for those. Sound good?”

“Hm?” Toki jolted upright with an elbow from Skwisgaar. “Ja, let's does it.”

They wound up right where they came from; the nurse led Toki into the blood lab this time, making small talk about the weather and other such drab topics as she drew a couple more vials out of him. A urine sample came next, followed by the request to remove his shirt back in an examination room.

“One of the go-to medications of treating HIV has serious reactions in some patients,” Graveworm explained as he donned some gloves. “Do you remember that allergy test you did, when Charles first hired me as your physician?”

“Uh huh.”

“Same sort of deal. Adverse symptoms should manifest within the next six weeks, although usually within the first two. I'm going to give them to you on a list and the moment any of those start up, you need to come see me right away.”

Toki groaned as he read them over, when he and Skwisgaar departed. “Looks at this. Stomachs pain, mouth sores, diarrheas—”

Skwisgaar snickered. “Ha, diarrheas.”

“Shuts up, it isn'ts funny. For all the stomach problems _you_ have, you shoulds be more sympathetic.”

“I am. Sorries. . .just tryings to lighten the mood a bits.”

“You mights have to goes through the same thing, so we'll see who's laughing then.”

“Come ons, Mr. Dooms and Glooms, if you can'ts laugh abouts it, den what cans you do? What ams your other choices? Cries or break t'ing.”

“I leaves the cryings to you.”

“ _Pff_.” Skwisgaar checked his phone. “Ams dat how you wants to says goodbyes to me right now? Nat'an haves been textings me about gettings my ass dere. Don't seems to matters dat you have t'ing goings on wit' your diabetes. Ams what I tolds dem, to keeps dem from asking too many quetskin. Pickle said it was okays, but he apparentlies amn'ts de boss.”

“You haves to go work?” Even though Toki's mood suffered after getting poked and prodded, he didn't want Skwisgaar to leave. “You can't stays with me?”

“Sorries. I wish I coulds, but. . .you knows.” Skwisgaar shrugged with a sigh. “Ams de way it ams, wit' Dethklok. I'll tries to get out earlier dan usual, tonights.”

Toki rested his head on Skwisgaar's shoulder as they came to a stop in the hallway. He wished he could keep the arms wrapped around his head until this latest dark cloud passed. “I'm sorries. I don'ts mean to be a dick.”

“Amn'ts your fault. Tries to stay positive, all rights? It amn'ts like you'ves had dis for years and am onlies figuring it out. T'ings am goings to be different, but we ams goings to figure out where to starts and gets de best t'ing for you to take so dat it don'ts get any worse.”

“Thanks.” Toki rubbed his back. “I'll tries not to be totally miserable. I shouldn'ts take this out on you.”

“Ams—oh.” Skwisgaar extracted himself from Toki as footsteps echoed down the other end of the hallway. “Hi, Pickle.”

“Hey doods. Bin lookin' for ya.” Pickles waved, leisurely closing the distance between them all. “Nate wanted me to come see whet's goin' on. Didn' hurt to take a break from him, he's pritty insufferable today.”

“Greats. I was goings to come soon.”

“Yer gonna have to record the last couple solos from yesterday,” Pickles told him. “Nate deleted'm ferst thing.”

“Ams you—?” Skwisgaar rubbed his face. “Dat fuckings—ugh, whatevers. Not'ings to does about it now. Let's just goes get dis over wit', den. I sees you later, Toki—”

“Well, hey, far as Nate'n knows, I haven't found ya yet.” Pickles grinned crookedly at Toki. “Don' hardly see ya outside meals. Doin' okee? Whet was thet about yer diabetes ya had to come down here for?”

“Is fines.” Touched that Pickles would care enough to ask, Toki smiled. “I just dranks too much last night and my blood sugars was a bits low. Hads to pick up some more insulins, too.”

“Thet's good.” Since they were in the neighbourhood, Toki had indeed done so. Pickles took the white lie at face value, when flashed the small, clear bottles. “Hey, since I gaht you guys here. . .”

Pickles glanced back over his shoulder then around Toki and Skwisgaar, to make sure they were truly alone. “Nate's been givin' you guys a lot of shit about this whole gay thing, but he doesn't speak for the whole band. Personally, I don't give a shit. Well, thet ain't totally true. I want you guys to be happy, 'n' if this is whet does thet, then it shouldn't matter.”

Skwisgaar grew awkward with discussion of it outside themselves, tightening his arms and shuffling his feet, but Toki gave Pickles a brief, one-armed hug. “Thanks you. Is good to hear that someone arounds here isn'ts going to tease us alls the way to Hell and backs.”

“Oh, I'm gonna tease ya. Heh. It jest ain't serious.” Pickles pocketed his hands. “Whet kin I say against it? I was in L.A. for the eighties. It ain't like I didn't do crep werth teasin' for.”

“Dids you, now?” At a later date, Toki would definitely worm it out of the man.

“Ha, I knews it,” Skwisgaar interjected. “Dat amn't a sorprise.”

“Shut up, Blondie. Ya ready to go re-record, or whet?”

“Ja. . .” To Toki's surprise, due to another band member's presence, he earned a quick kiss to the temple. “I sees you later. If Nat'an let us haves a real break for lunch, I'll texts you.” 


	82. Deadlock

Skwisgaar's name popped up in Toki's phone around quarter to two, although his message contained more than slated. Shrugging, Toki left off on the careful response he penned to his mother's last letter. Far as he knew from lack of mention, she wasn't aware he'd disappeared again. Maybe while he sat in on the lunch break-slash-band meeting, Toki could decide whether or not to bother telling her.

He arrived last in the dining room, just as Murderface resumed his seat. As Skwisgaar promised, Charles had joined them in order to nag while they emptied their plates. Toki ran his fingers lightly through Skwisgaar's hair as he passed; Pickles boosted his confidence earlier that nothing was wrong with their relationship.

“Scho what'sch thisch about?” Murderface asked. “Why're you crasching lunch?”

“There's been development toward setting a date for the benefit concert, and I wanted to okay a location with you all.” Charles passed along five copies of a map. Toki recognized it as Nevada, thanks to Reno and Las Vegas being labelled. The only other mark was up in the northwestern corner of the state. “The grey box is the potential site, within the Black Rock Desert. Ah, there's no real sign of the situation in Las Vegas calming down, and Congress believes that Dethklok playing might help dissuade some of the chaos. For obvious reasons, I'm keeping you far away from the city.”

Nathan grumbled, fixated on his sheet. “What date are you thinking?”

“June seventh.”

“June—? Now hold on a second, how far away is that?”

“Three weeks and a couple days. It's a Saturday night.”

“Thet is way too soon,” Pickles pitched in. “Kin ya even get a stage put up thet fast?”

“I can, if the order goes out today. Three weeks should be more than adequate enough time for you to prepare a setlist, without any new tracks. I trust you've been practicing?”

A beat of silence passed.

“What'sch it to _you_ , grandma?”

“Toki has beens,” Toki stated to avoid the same murderous look Murderface earned from Nathan.

“I mean as a band, though,” Charles elaborated. “It's been over five weeks, since your last. Don't you think you ought to keep on top of that?”

“Does you wants us to does dat, or writes de album? We ams doings exactly whats you tolds us to at de last meeting.”

“You can't take an hour or two out of that?”

“Well. . .” Nathan bowed his head. “Fuck. Yeah, I guess we could. Would actually be a good break, once in a while.”

“So you're all in agreement? June seventh, in Black Rock Desert?” A collective grumble compelled him to stand. “All right then, I'll get that going. Good day.”

As soon as he left, Nathan addressed the rest of them. “Should we have a practice tonight? Gotta admit, my head's getting pretty fogged up after going so hard in the studio.”

Skwisgaar hadn't bothered leaving his guitar there, mindlessly fretting rather than eating. “Shouldn'ts put it off any longers, I guess. Why ams he making us do dis so soon? Nevers mind only givings _us_ t'ree week to gets ready, but everyt'ing else? Tickets, de stage?”

“Don't forget we lost four weeks of ground,” Nathan reminded him. “Actually, that's not even relevant. If you two hadn't fucked off, we wouldn't have to worry about some stupid benefit concert. So I guess when it comes to the studio, we've really lost seven—or eight—weeks total. Good job.”

Before he could stop himself, Toki's chair scraped against the stone floor. Skwisgaar started in on Nathan too, but an eruption cut him short. “You know whats, I's fucking _hads_ it with this attitude! Ja, me and Skwisgaar bolted. Cans any of you says you would has dones any fucking different? And givens the treatments we's gotten since we cames back, cans you _blame_ us? You're all just a bunch of cocksucking, jerk-ass dildo lickers—!”

“Toki. . .” Skwisgaar attempted to cut in, but Nathan held a hand up to him. His gaze held steady on his aggressor.

“No, I wanna hear this. Cocksucker, huh? Bit rich, coming from you.”

“So what if I has? So what if I _likes_ it? What the hells should it even fucking matter? I's beens in this band for fifteen years. I's been all your friends for just as longs. You's my family. Why does you haves to make me feels like such a _freak_ about it?” Toki hated himself for choking on his words; while Nathan continued to frown in his direction, Pickles and Murderface awkwardly shuffled in their seats. “You know what? At least the peoples that kidnapped us didn'ts care who or what we loved. They lets us be ourselves and franklies, most of the times we were a lots more free with them than we evers will be here.

“Now if you will excuses me,” Toki snatched up his plate, “I's gonna go eats in my rooms. Fuck you, Nathans.”

Storming down the hallway with blood pounding in his ears, Toki nearly missed that someone pulled up the rear. If it were anyone but Skwisgaar, he wouldn't bother stopping. His shoulders slumped as the other man handed his Thunderhorse off to a passing klokateer and broke into a light jog to catch up. “Hey.”

“You nots gonna eat with thems?” Lack of food in Skwisgaar's hands meant he probably intended to return. “I'm sorries. . .it probably don'ts make it any easier for you, workings with him all days.”

“Wills almost be wort' it. I beens meanings to tell him somet'ing like dat all week.”

Yeah. . . _almost_ worth it. “So what dids you wants?”

“ _Pff_ , what you mean, what does I wants?” Skwisgaar lifted Toki's chin for a kiss. “I thoughts we were goings to spend de lunch break toget'ers.”

“I woulds likes to.” Softened completely, Toki remained as close as possible. Segregating themselves hurt; it only emphasized their newfound position as outsiders. As he and Skwisgaar walked together down the hallway, stopping briefly in the kitchen to grab a second sandwich, Toki fought off blurring eyes. He shouldn't care so much. By now, he should be used to how anything to do with him inherently mattered less to his bandmates. On the road, Skwisgaar succeeded in making him feel like an equal. Why, as soon as they came back, did they just blow him off in attempt to reestablish the old hierarchy? Toki harboured no apology for refusing to be treated that way. _He_ wasn't the one fucked up in the entire situation.

“Comes here.” Skwisgaar took Toki's sandwich to set aside when safe behind his bedroom door. Helpless against a gentle rock in a new embrace, Toki's breath hitched when he attempted to speak. Coming in tighter against the other man destroyed any remaining resolve. He'd tried as hard as he could not to cry since coming home, but holding it all in did nothing to help. All the harsh words uttered in his direction, the uncertain looks, not to mention all these little worms of a virus crawling within every cell of his body, made him feel worthless. How could Skwisgaar even stand him? Nobody should have to console a baby as big as him. And yet, Toki reached a point where he couldn't even control it anymore. His arms locked around Skwisgaar's middle and a gentle hand in his hair only coaxed sobs from as deep as his diaphragm. He felt stupid through the entire thing.

At the end of it, Toki sniffled and put more weight on Skwisgaar. “I'm sorries. Has been such a shitties day.”

“We all needs to does dat once in a while. Does you wants to lays down?”

Toki hardly had chance to nod when a distinctive, thunderous knock sounded at Skwisgaar's door. He groaned instead. “I's gonna hides. I don'ts want to deals with him.”

“It'll be me that he's afters, anyway.” Throughout Toki unloading, Skwisgaar's phone had beeped a couple times. “Me and hims am goings to haves a talk.”

In the bathroom, Toki avoided looking at himself in the mirror. Rather, in order to eavesdrop, he slumped down the inside of the door. Craning wasn't necessary to hear.

“You'ves got a lots of norves, coming here.” Skwisgaar's voice trembled and deepened with anger. “I don'ts even want to looks at you right now, lets alone sits in de studio wit' you. De band be damned. If you ams going to treats Toki like dat every time we ams all toget'er, den you and me ams going to have a _bigs_ problem.”

“Just calm down, Skwisgaar. Your priority right now should be catching up on all the shit you left with me and Pickles. You don't think me and him aren't making sacrifices, to work on this new album? Pickles. . .well, I don't know what the fuck else he'd be doing, but him aside, you're not the only one dating someone that got really screwed up over all this, okay?”

“I don'ts care if you hates us for datings, ams mad dat we lefts, or because it hort Abigail. It don'ts justifies your behaviour. You beens teasings me all week too about likings dick and I'ms fucking sick of it. You hads betters be careful, Nat'an. Dere am only so much of dis asshole act dat I'll puts up wit'. You cross de line too far, and I'll leaves again. De next time I do, I amn'ts ever coming back. So you t'ink about dat.”

Nathan scoffed. “You wouldn't quit the band.”

“You wants to try me?”

“That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?”

“Nots really. When we comes back after gettings fucked around wit' for two weeks, havings to kill our way out of dere, and goings through a war-zone, dis am de last t'ing we need. You wants to makes us feel unwelcomes in our own home, den we finds a new one. We haves already provens to you dat we ams capable of disappearings off de face of de Earth. Don'ts tempt us.”

“Whatever then, Skwisgaar. You coming to the studio, or what?”

“No! You amn'ts just goings to brush dis off!” Frustration carried forth a new outburst. “Untils you gets your shits in order and apolgesac to Toki—genuinelies, nots just because I twisteds your arm—den dere am not'ing gettings done. I ams going on guitar strike untils you can proves dat you amn't just some homophobics dildo dickweed! You keep saying dat Toki and I am responsibles for de band fallings behind, but you know whats? We jumpeds right back into our usuals routine as soons as we gots back to Mordhaus, and de only t'ing dat am slowings us down ams you and dis piss-poor attitude.”

“Fine. Where is he, anyway?”

“No, you amn'ts near ready. Goes t'ink about t'ing, horts your head overs it a bit. He don'ts want to sees you rights now, anyway.”

“Goddamn it, we have work to do!”

“So goes along, den. Goes t'ink. Try somet'ing new, today.”

Toki already stood, when Skwisgaar rapped softly on the bathroom door. Annoyance remained written all across his face, the variety of which was normally left for Toki when his fingers failed to traverse the frets as effortlessly as Skwisgaar's. For that, Toki maintained a cautious distance.

“He ams gone. . .for now.” Skwisgaar sighed, expression dissolving toward something less guarded. “Hopefully dat get t'ing moving in de right direction. I ams as sick of dis as you. I don'ts know how I'ves put up wit' it so long. You ams maybes an influence ons me. It amn'ts always easy to stands up to him.”

“No, it isn'ts.” Toki touched his arm. “You meants what you said?”

“Alls of it, but what part ams you askings about?”

“Leavings again.”

“Honestlies. . .all day, when I amn'ts forcing myself to concenkrate, ams all I can t'ink about. T'ings were so much easier when we were ons de road, and I can'ts. . .dere am dis anger dat I can'ts let go of. Ams hard to feels respecteds evens as a musiskin when he reduce me to de guy in Mordhaus dat take it in de ass.”

“Is that what he does?”

“'Come on Skwisgaar, gets dat dick out of your ass and plays it right,'” Skwisgaar lowered his voice to imitate him. “Does he nots get dat we haven'ts changed, just because we ams datings? We am stills de same people, so what ams de issue? Who really fuckings care? Pickle don'ts, and I doubts Moidaface does either. Ifs he did, he woulds take any opportunities he could to agrees wit' Nat'an. He hasn'ts been doing dat.”

Of course, unless this deadlock went any further, the other two might have something to say. Murderface probably wouldn't ever bother, but Pickles too could only put up with Nathan's bad attitudes for so long. While Toki appreciated the minute conversation he had with the man down by the hospital wing, he couldn't help but feel disappointed that Pickles didn't stand up for them when it _really_ mattered. “Are you goings to stick around for a whiles?”

“I ams keeping my word. Until Nat'an stops dis, not'ing ams budging.”

“Will you comes lay down with me?”

Letting out so much pent-up anger and sadness in such rapid succession had completely exhausted Toki. However, he had a second motive for leading Skwisgaar to the bed. Perhaps he still ran entirely on emotion, but a newly clean system caught him in a lull between insecurities. He barely hesitated at all before removing his shirt, as they slipped under the covers. Heart pounding, Toki ran his fingers over Skwisgaar's undefined pecs; the motion earned similar attention in kind.

Any reservation Toki displayed the night before dissipated. Skwisgaar hardly had a chance to draw breath between catches of his lips, and Toki did all he could to shift the atmosphere toward something more resemblant of carefree days. He almost groaned without restraint upon realization that it'd been over two weeks since the last time they successfully managed sexual intimacy.

“Ifs I asked you to do something, woulds you?”

“What ams it?”

“Isn'ts much. . .” Captivated by the lasciviousness creeping into Skwisgaar's gaze, Toki momentarily faltered. In face of what the man was used to—and probably expected—this seemed so paltry. “Comes here.”

Their legs bumped awkwardly as Skwisgaar attempted unsuccessfully to straddle his hips. Mutual apology and a chuckle later, Skwisgaar eased into a position he'd assumed with thousands of other people. Toki only had one other occurrence to remember of Skwisgaar between his legs like this, and even with everything that happened between then and now, he was so much more comfortable prostrate amongst white fur in a room-centred bed. Whatever hesitation he harboured then about trusting Skwisgaar with something so important no longer existed. All over again, he might've laid in his own bed, hand on himself and eyes clenched shut as he utilized his entire imagination to replicate Skwisgaar fucking him. He couldn't ever fathom weight though, or the tickle of foreign hair against his collar bone. Narrow hips fit so nicely, naturally shifting into what would be the correct angle for them to work at.

Toki lost concept of his expression until Skwisgaar's smile widened. “You look so norvous.”

“I wanteds to know what this feel like.” Toki pulled all of Skwisgaar's hair aside, to hold aloft. “Because I wants you to fuck me.”

“Nows?”

“Mm. . .nots quite yet. I's not ready. But I wants to, and this feels right.”

Skwisgaar's gaze softened; despite the respectable look he was regarded with, Toki sensed the jolt of anticipation that travelled his entire length. An unconscious press followed. “You knows I'm goings to make shore you don'ts regret it.”

“I don'ts doubt it. You'ves had years of practice. Makes it count for something, ja?” Toki jested.

“Ha, you waits. I'll haves you moanings my name so loudly, dere won'ts be no quetskin on anyone's mind dat hear what I'ms doings to you.” 


	83. On His Back

In Stockholm, Toki used downing an entire glass of water as means to rest. Something a little stronger would definitely help in this situation. The clusterfuck that unravelled itself at Mordhaus totally ransacked his remaining energy.

“When we gots home, it was just ones thing after the other,” Toki finally spoke to summarize his last hour of testimony. “Nathan starteds being an asshole, then we haves all this pressure goings on with the band, I gets diagnosed with HIV. . .if it wasn'ts for Skwisgaar through all that, I probablies would has just shut down.”

This time, when Toki looked over at the defence table, Skwisgaar had gotten far enough past his upset to meet his gaze. Compressing all their best moments across three days made it so difficult to accept that this was over. Even more so, that it _should_ _be_ over. In all honesty, the only thing holding Toki back from pulling Skwisgaar out of there with intention to hash out all their problems was the latest legal proceedings they got caught up in.

“Was the entire time leading up to Skwisgaar's departure that taxing?”

“No. I hads a bit of a reprieve, afters that first rough week. Still hads all that stuff to deals with and a littles more bad news from the doctor, but was okay. Skwisgaar tooks the news that he had HIV in strides. I guess since he was expectings it, it didn't seems that bad?”

Back at Mordhaus, since Skwisgaar didn't need time to adjust to his diagnosis, he got all his blood-work and testing done before he and Toki returned upstairs. Skwisgaar's promise not to do anything band-related until Nathan made an apology thus far held strong. The demand for respect placed further pressure on an already stressful situation, but like Skwisgaar said, Nathan had the power to make that stop. In the meantime, Toki enjoyed having Skwisgaar around more. Even though Skwisgaar practiced frequently throughout the day, his presence meant so much.

“Whats you think?”

Skwisgaar shrugged. “It ams what it ams. At least nows we know. You knows I'm sorry dat you gots dis froms me, right?”

“For nows, it don'ts matter to me. Ja, I beens poked at and there are moments when it grosses me out to haves this in my body, but has beens more mental than anythings. I don'ts feel sick, although make sense to me now why onlies the two of us gots the flu in Monterrey.”

“I chalkeds it up to dat everyone else was immunes. For alls we know, it was a _reals_ flu and nots just our bodies tryings to fights off de HIV. Ams too much a coincidence maybes dat we both gets dat same reaction at de same time.”

“Maybes, ja.”

Whatever happened, Toki felt much better with certainty. Sure, he and Skwisgaar had a lifetime of doctors and pill cocktails ahead of them, but in the meantime, Toki liked not feeling so alone in his endeavour. Behind Skwisgaar's closed bedroom door, he leaned up to get the kiss he'd been dying for all morning.

“I gots a question for you,” he stated afterward. “When's you going back to blond?”

Skwisgaar touched his hair with the prompt. “I wanteds to give it a bits of a rest, since Raina redids it for me in Mexico. Don'ts want to torns it into straw, since bleachings is goings to take a pretty bigs toll on it. Why, does you wish I was blonds again?”

“In ways, but I likes this. Is almost the onlies thing to looks at what make me thinks of the good parts of our trip.” Also, while Graveworm administered the same sensitivity test Toki underwent, the dark pink line left from where Skwisgaar's back collided with the dresser earned scrutinization.

“Gives it a month or twos.” Skwisgaar kissed Toki again. “By den we'll both be sicks of it, I bets.”

“I likes you howevers you look.” While Skwisgaar took up on the edge of the bed with his Thunderhorse, Toki maneuvered into a position where he could watch. He hadn't much considered his lack of consequences from treating Skwisgaar so roughly, thanks to everything that happened afterward. “Hey.”

“Ja?”

“That mark on your back, where you hits the dresser. How does it feels?”

Skwisgaar shrugged. “Okays, I guess. Don'ts hort no mores.”

“We nevers had the chance to talks about it with everything goings on, but you accepteds my apology for that, right?”

“Obviouslies, if we am stills togethers.”

“Is that why you wouldn'ts talk to me?”

“I didn'ts t'ink you would hits me, after we starteds datings.”

“The only reasons I did was because you wouldn't stops hitting _me_.” Toki didn't wish to reopen an old fight, when they'd proven capable of so much more than that. Whether unspoken or not, their arguments consisted solely of words ever since. “Is weirds for me to say this, but Raina hads a good point. No matters what she wounds up doings to us, she pointeds out to me after that happen that is acceptables to a points to fights with our fists and stuff when we's just friends or bandmates, buts is totallies off-limits for someone you's in a relatesingip with. I agrees fully with that, and no matters what the situation, I's never goings to hit you again. I promise.”

“Ams good. I meants to say somet'ing abouts it afters we calmed down, but den. . .ja, you disappeareds and we hads ot'er t'ing to worries about.” Skwisgaar pressed his lips together briefly. “What I wanteds to say am dat it ams over if dat ever happens again. My behaviour was just as unexcuseables in dat situation, but de fact remain. If we ams goings to become one of dem couples what hit each ot'er as way to solves our problem, den I don'ts want anyt'ing to does wit' it. I believes dat we ams past dat, since has beens good wit'out dat havings to be put out dere, but am stills de truth. Ifs you hurt me agains like dat, I'ms gone.”

“I understands.” Toki sat up to put his arms around Skwisgaar's shoulders. Nuzzling his neck, Toki smiled. “I made so manies mistake that day, that I's never going to repeats. I can'ts imagine ever layings a hand on you again, for _anys_ reason. You's too precious for that. You shoulds be protected and spoiled, not brokens down.”

“T'anks you. I believes dat, after hows de last t'ree week go. Evens when I pissed you off last week, when we were talkings about what kinds of joke we shouldn'ts make around each ot'er, you just gots up and left. Ams a better way to deals wit' it.”

“I just neededs to cool down,” Toki confirmed. “Hittings you never even crossed my minds.”

“Goods.”

A peck to Skwisgaar's cheek preceded one to the lips. Then, gravity kept them together when Skwisgaar failed to return attention to his instrument. Despite the subject matter of their conversation, Toki felt confident that one of their arguments would never again be reduced to physicality. Even in just three weeks, they'd come too far for that. If anyone _else_ ever laid hands on Skwisgaar though, that person would find themselves on the ground so quickly they'd have no real idea how they got there. Toki felt more comfortable in role of protector, rather than aggressor. Like he told Skwisgaar, he should only be built up, not torn down by the one person in the world more trustable than anyone else.

When Skwisgaar turned more toward Toki, as well as tilted his head for deeper access, a familiar tingle of electricity traversed Toki's nerves. He'd actually taken the time to prepare for action while in the shower the day before, should it happen. A slightly awkward grooming session and resultant weight of need all bent concentration toward his hole. Considering giving it a shot with a partner injected some anxiety, but at this point, Toki didn't even care if he got hard or came. He just wanted to be with his boyfriend.

“Hey.” When Toki managed the breathy vocalization, a hand already tangled in his hair. Looking into deep blue eyes stormy with lust dried his mouth instantly; however, it wasn't enough to kill his confidence. “Wills you fuck me?”

Skwisgaar's pupils further dilated while a slow exhale escaped swollen lips. “Ams you shore you ready?”

“I's more than ready to be withs you again, and I beens practicing on myself. Nots with anything as bigs as you, but. . .” Even if him topping was an option, Toki would actually prefer not to. He'd dreamed of this for far too long, and Skwisgaar more than proved he wouldn't merely throw Toki away once it happened. Toki felt loved, felt valued, and he wanted to experience how that would translate between the sheets. “I's been thinkings about it a lot. I don'ts want being raped to holds me back. It hasn'ts been, when I's alone. You haves no idea how helpful it's beens, talkings with you through this. Just filings that in my mind as an attack and nots considering it something sexual has mades all the difference. So thanks you.”

“I loves you,” Skwisgaar stated with a smile and shrug. “I knows who you am, and I didn'ts wish for you to lose dat because of what some monsters decide to does. Just because you were reduced to dat don'ts mean dat what you _ams_. I'ves been doings all I can to make shore you knows dat.”

“I don'ts know how I woulds has dones it without you. You's the only one I feels at all comfortable talkings about it with. I'ves been draggings my heels on evens going back to Twinkletits, honestly. . .I's not ready to tells him yet.” Toki paused. “I don'ts mean to puts this all on you, though. You haves enough goings on in your life. I shouldn'ts rely so much on you.”

“You don't stress me outs, Toki. Dis goes two way. T'rough all de bullshit we beens dealing wit' since we forst lefts on our trip, I beens holding onto you just as much. I'll admiks I beens living up to dis whole codependents t'ing. You saveds my life, gettings me out of Mexico. I woulds has been stuck forever wit' either Raina or Francisco if you didn'ts have the balls to plans a run for it. Ifs you didn'ts keep goings wit' me on de road before all dat happen, I wouldn'ts be as happy as I ams now. So I owes you a t'anks you just as much.”

With a fresh grin, Toki nuzzled his neck. Yes, he'd definitely made the right decision for what should happen between them this afternoon. He barely even felt nervous anymore, or intimidated by the dick that would soon permeate his body. “So we shoulds talk about what the doctor brought up. Ares we going to bothers with condoms?”

“I don't sees why, at dis point. We haves de same strain of HIV, and hasn'ts mattered so far.”

Maybe one day they'd have to, if their respective illnesses diverged far enough in similarity, but for now Toki agreed. “I hopeds you would says that. Is kinds of like the Chicago hotel rooms all over again. I wants to feel everything, with you.”

That earned Toki another kiss. “I'ms happy you ams comfortable enoughs to try dis. You tells me though, if you change you mind. We stops immediately.”

Toki nodded, but sincerely doubted he'd need to. He felt so present within his skin, and every inch of him thrummed to feel Skwisgaar's weight and warmth. A month ago or so, in the bathtub in Paradise Isle, mild discomfort magnetized Toki's knees. Now, Toki openly craved presence between them. Carefully, he shifted to straddle Skwisgaar's hips.

“I's not too heavy, ams I?”

“Nah. Promise, I'ms used to mores dan dis.”

Toki snorted, fingertips running over Skwisgaar's upper arms while similar touch skimmed his ass and thighs. “You ands your fat ladies, I swears to God.”

“ _Pff_.” Skwisgaar nipped Toki's bottom lip playfully, when it came close enough. “Let's not talks about dem rights now, ja?”

Fingers wandering through Skwisgaar's hair showcased agreement as Toki held him close. Their tongues and lips sliding against each other sent fire into the depths of his abdomen; already, however unpracticed at taking dick, Toki's hips moved similarly to how they might soon be expected. That begged the question: “How does you wants to do this?”

“Whatevers you t'ink am best. Woulds you rather be on tops? You haves more control dat way.”

“You know whats? Nots really.” Toki touched their foreheads. “I knows you won'ts do anything to hurts me, whethers intentionally or unintentionallies. You beens doing this a lots longer than I has, so I trusts you to does whats is best for me.”

Skwisgaar nudged his hip. “Lays down, den.”

Rather than press their bodies again, Toki moved as necessary for his boots to come off. Skwisgaar nudged his own off next, then perched on his knees between Toki's legs. He kissed a knee still covered in denim. “So what ams off-limits? Ams you okay wit' me blowings you, eatings you out, fingerings you, t'ing like dat?”

“You're goings to have to fingers me to gets me ready, aren'ts you?”

“I wants to be shore dat it amn't somet'ing _you_ would rather does.”

“Skwis, is fine,” Toki assured him with a smile. “If I didn'ts want you to finger me, why woulds I bring this up? Fingers aren't as bigs a deal as a dick, so does what you gots to does.”

For starters, that entailed Skwisgaar securing his hair. Even that minimal detour to the bathroom trembled Toki's legs with anticipation. He remembered back to when he joined the band, how he woke up in the middle of the night to Skwisgaar and one of his ladies fucking out in the living room. It shocked him at first, rendered him frozen and unsure what to do, but a swelling between his legs shoved him toward shame. Then, feeling like a total pervert, he stroked himself off while listening to the dual moans. The more often it happened, the more attention Toki paid to the women. God, what he would give to be in her position, to feel so good at the hands of someone so experienced. It scared him too in a sense, that he would be rendered so helpless as Skwisgaar casually knocked down every barrier Toki had ever set up to protect himself. Therefore, he preferred to experience it second-handedly, through the safety of fantasy. That became crucial as the band moved on to Mordhaus.

Now that Toki had figuratively inched his way close to Skwisgaar, to the point where he opened his legs to admit a long, thin body, all the women that came and went at their old apartment, as well as those who treated Skwisgaar's bedroom door here as if it revolved, resurfaced in Toki's mind. He came along far too late to claim first in the same sense Skwisgaar momentarily would _him_. And yet. . .Skwisgaar was right, that virginity was overrated. Someone had stuck themselves into Toki's body, but he didn't consider himself tarnished. Even if his experience like this was either completely consensual or lacking altogether, Toki doubted he'd feel any differently as large lips cushioned his. His fingers would tremble anyways while skimming Skwisgaar's back, simply because he'd waited too long to gain this man's focus.

“Woulds it be totallies inappropriate to says dat I haves been looking forward to dis?”

Toki scoffed. “ _You_ has beens?”

“Haves been pretty much all I t'ink about,” Skwisgaar admitted in a low tone near Toki's ear. Hot breath down the canal already raised the hair all across his body. “But I'ms not going to let dis be a does-it-and-it-ams-done deal.”

“No?”

Experience proved already that Skwisgaar read perfectly into his partners, knew exactly where and when to touch in order to procure fire, but that reached an entirely new level when Toki relented control. He no longer held Skwisgaar at any sort of distance, nor disallowed absolute whim of touch. Every dip and bulge of his upper body muscles earned curious fingers while his shirt rode up and off. Through it, Toki discovered a couple places near the bottom of his rib cage that wired differently to his brain; attention to one of them activated the nerves on the inside of his right elbow.

“Ticklish?” Skwisgaar peered up.

“I coulds almost get mad at how goods you already are.”

After thirty-one and a half years inside this body, what right did Skwisgaar have to show Toki things he didn't know about? Still, any negative emotion fled with further caress of a warm mouth and tongue. Before they even concentrated on one of his nipples, Toki hated that he still wore pants. He hated how empty he felt without Skwisgaar sliding inside him. A reach down between the other man's legs brought forth a weak groan. Easing himself back into giving head prepared Toki for an erection to fill his palm, and massaging it turned their kisses slovenly. Before they could get too carried away, swollen lips traversed his torso again, further lighting his skin.

“How longs you goings to make me wait?”

“I knows what I'ms doing,” Skwisgaar gently reminded him.

Certainly he did; jeans coming off with underwear to follow preceded heat down the insides of Toki's thighs. Eyes closed once Skwisgaar too had finished undressing, he lost himself in the collective throb of his entirety. Nothing Skwisgaar did even bordered on uncomfortable. Subconsciously, Toki at first shifted however he needed to land either a mouth or hand on his dick. The longer it went, that focus instead shifted further down.

“If you don't sticks me soon, I don'ts know what I's gonna do with myself.”

Skwisgaar chuckled, finally sliding his fingers down past Toki's perineum. “Ams good?”

“This is likes teasing. Please. . .”

“You woulds know, if I was teasings you.” Skwisgaar's face disappeared, bringing forth a new moan as he practically attacked Toki's hole. The sound of a kiss flew Toki's hand to the back of the other man's head, and a probing tongue jolted his spine straight.

Suddenly aware of how he behaved, Toki laughed. “If I knew this is whats is like to be fuckeds by you, I woulds has been throwings myself at you rights from the start.”

“You woulds has never lets me do dis, backs den.”

“Oh, I don'ts know. Is pretty fuckings good.”

“We haven'ts even done anyt'ing new yet.”

“Doesn'ts matter. It feels different.”

Absolute want for any part of Skwisgaar inside him prepared Toki to bear down once the lube was fetched. One finger easily gained entrance, pushing for a second one to join its fellow nearly immediately.

“Does you sees why I tooks my time?” Skwisgaar asked as his digits ran right to the knuckle on each thrust. “When you ams dis worked up, de muscles down here am mores accommodating.”

“Will it always haves to be like that?”

“Nah. Usually just de forst couple time, you needs to get used to t'ing beings inside you. Ams like when you ams figuring out hows to jack off or when you fingers yourself at forst.”

“I guess when you says that, makes me realize I nevers really needs to do much to gets _you_ ready,” Toki remarked.

“I'ms used to it, by dis point. Readies for more?”

A rapid nod slowed Skwisgaar's ministrations, so that he could ease a third fingertip in. Having never bothered with more than two on his own, Toki wrinkled his nose as his body met its limit. However, through concentration and pure determination, uncomfortable pressure altered into its pleasant counterpart. “Okays, I can'ts handle it anymore, Skwis. Please.”

As Toki went empty again, Skwisgaar's in-depth description of the act they bordered upon wet his lips. Animalistic, thanks to oft-unpredictable bucks of the hip. Times it by ten, when with someone he loved, who Toki knew wouldn't take advantage of how tight and warm he was to abandon himself to pleasure. As Skwisgaar kneeled between his legs again, coating himself with lube, Toki touched his knee. “Hey.”

“Mhm?”

“I loves you. And I's really happy this is finally happenings.”

Toki earned a grin, as well as lips back against his. A sense of urgency still plagued the air, but neither bit immediately into it. With one last peck, Skwisgaar gravitated toward Toki's shoulder and rested his head there; a nudge for Toki to lift his hips meant this was it. Breath spilling down his neck preceded Skwisgaar guiding himself into position with ease. As soon as he applied any pressure, Toki repeated the actions necessary to accept his fingers earlier.

As expected, it felt different than fingers. Toki concentrated on the physical aspect, spreading his legs further in hopes it might help. It didn't hurt at least, and as he accustomed yet again to something delving deeper into him, his furrowed brow relaxed. When their hips rested together, Skwisgaar lifted his head. Aware Toki probably appeared more puzzled than pleased, he chuckled. “So this is its, huh?”

“Gettings there.”

The arms wrapped around Skwisgaar's shoulders tightened as motion added to the pressure. It too felt slightly strange to start, but with a couple slow thrusts the first promised moan bent for escape. Skwisgaar left Toki's mouth free to offer up more, concentrating instead on the man's ear. On top of being gently fucked and pinned to the mattress, an echoing kiss set any remaining nerves on fire.

“Odin, you feel so good,” Skwisgaar murmured. “Why _haven'ts_ we been doings dis de whole time we knews each other?”

“It mights have felt good, but it wouldn'ts has ever beens _this_ good.” What little fingernails Toki possessed dug into Skwisgaar's back. “We'ves earned this.”

Kissing became difficult, when so short of breath. The longer this went and as Toki accustomed, he couldn't fathom ever letting go of Skwisgaar afterward. “I hopes you got a cleared schedule the next couples of days, because I can't sees myself wanting to do anythings more than this.”

“Ams dat so?”

Toki's head pressed back into the mattress when Skwisgaar pushed his leg further up and achieved an even deeper angle. “I wants to does it all, with you. I wants you to fucks me from behind, and I wants to straddles you right away when we wakes up tomorrow morning. I just wants to fucks until I die, really.”

“I coulds get behind dat.”

“No no, gets behind _me_.”

Such a stupid joke made them laugh again. The emotion of experiencing someone inside him moved aside for Toki as he simply enjoyed the act. His hips weren't practiced in this position, but no matter how clumsy or out of synch, Skwisgaar immediately adjusted to meet him. With such a talented, attentive partner, Toki truly could do no wrong. Perpetual pleasure only really amounted to one thing at the end of it all, which slowly wound up within him from cracking toes to the chill that rode across his scalp. Just like Skwisgaar slated to achieve, Toki repeated his lover's name through a constant racket, ending on a gasp as the strongest gust of rapture yet shred his body to pieces. It barely resembled at all any other orgasm Toki experienced, but he'd trusted in Skwisgaar to light up everything that rashness and impatience before had failed to exercise.

Every thrust brought it back closer to full strength; Toki reached down to feel the rhythm of Skwisgaar's hips, grinning as they grew more erratic. “Come ons, fuck me. I wants you to cum as deeply as you cans.”

Now it was Skwisgaar's turn to groan without restraint. A bend in his spine and tightening muscles meant this couldn't possibly take much longer. To help him along, Toki sought his ear out. “You thinks _I_ feel good? I'ves been jacking off all weeks thinking about this, and is betters than I coulds has ever imagined.”

One rough sigh and a collision of hips strong enough to bounce Toki's legs later, and every bit of tension in Skwisgaar's body absolved. He maintained a ghost of their previous fervency, riding it out, then slumped with his head back on Toki's shoulder.

Toki nuzzled him and lightly scratched at a pale back. “Wowie.”

“Ja, wowies.”

Toki nudged him with a knee. “Is my word.”

“Meh.”

“You woulds think I would be the one that can'ts talk right now.”

“Huh.”

In all honesty, Toki figured he could go again. And again, and again. After the struggle he went through to regain his sexuality, he suspected he wouldn't be able to go through with this. Maybe, like Skwisgaar, hope wasn't lost for him. Maybe all the support he received made this possible—forget so soon, but at _all_. For the first time in Skwisgaar's presence since the attack, Toki felt like his old self. No, not his old self, but someone stronger and better. Someone who'd overcome the adversity laid out against him. For that, he could've cried out of happiness. The only thing stopping him was determination against being _that_ person, in the wake of sex.

“I loves you,” Skwisgaar finally managed.

“You too, you big stupids giant.”

“Ams dat called for?”

“I means it in a goods way. I loves you so much I can'ts help but hates you just a littles bit.”

“Okay.”

Pulling out and rolling off Toki seemed to cure Skwisgaar of his fogged brain. Trying his best to ignore the feeling of being fucked out, hovering somewhere between uncomfortable and ready to go again, Toki pulled himself up close. “Cans you lay here with me for a minutes, before you go cleans up?”

“Onlies if we can nap whens I come back.”

“Ja, that sounds pretty damns good.” 


	84. Strike

Toki woke later in a fabulous mood, comfortable and warm in Skwisgaar's bed. The fur blanket felt heavenly against slightly sticky skin, as did a pair of lips on his back. It took him a moment to realize what the other man was up to. Not yet ready to alert Skwisgaar of his consciousness, Toki revelled in the feeling of earning kisses along his network of scars. A sense of safety further inflated him.

“What's you doing?”

“Does you want me to stop?”

“No. . .”

Skwisgaar made his way up to a particularly thick one on Toki's shoulder. “Whet'ers you mind or not, I didn'ts mean to wakes you up.”

“Is okay. I probablies needed to stop sleepings anyway. What _ares_ you doing?”

“I wokes up a whiles ago and. . .I don'ts know, just seemed like de t'ing to does.” Skwisgaar nuzzled Toki's neck. “I feels more dan ever de same about you, what you saids about me earlier. You shoulds be protected, not brokens. It hit me sometimes, de kind of t'ing you wents through when you were littles.”

“Oh.”

“Has always mades me mad, dat anyone could puts you or any child through dat. Makes me lose faith in peoples, you know? But den I t'ink about who you torneds out to be, how evens though people haves fucked wit' you and horts you, you still have dis overlaying optimism. Ams admirables. Gives me hope dat dere am still some hopes in dis stupids world.”

Toki turned his face closer for a kiss to the cheek. “Is hard sometimes, I admits. After we weres in Mexico. . .was _so_ hard to see any light. But you? You does that for me too.”

A chuckle followed. “Maybe de ot'er guys hads a point, dat talkings about dese t'ing ams a littles gay.”

“Thanks you for saying it, anyways.” Toki rolled onto his back, studying Skwisgaar. “You wants to fuck again, or whats?”

Back in Stockholm, Charles cleared his throat at the podium. “How long did Skwisgaar hold onto his guitar strike?”

“I thinks was. . .about a week?” Toki estimated. “I totallies expected Nathan to comes and finds me about apologizing, but he never dids. Insteads, you called us to a band meeting.”

At Mordhaus, chills had bothered Toki for most of the day. Unsure what it meant, he refrained from sleeping with Skwisgaar in any sense of the word since the day before. He really had no mind to go meet with the rest of the band when the text came in.

“Well, hows about dis.” Skwisgaar sat on the edge of his bed, back of his hand to Toki's forehead. It slid down to his cheek in order to get a full gauge on his temperature. “You ams borning up. Ams reason not to goes. De meeting ams goings to be all about why we amn'ts practicings anyway, so dere amn't going to really be anyt'ing you needs to come for.”

“Maybes Nathan will have something to says, though.”

“If he do, I coulds come gets you.”

“Okays.”

“In de meantime, why don'ts you runs a bath? You should stays warm.”

“I's warms enough.”

“I knows you feel dat way, but you needs it. I gots time to runs one for you, if you likes.”

Unable to turn down the chance to be pampered, Toki followed Skwisgaar into the bathroom. He shivered when free of his cotton blanket. “Ugh, this sucks. I hopes I's not gettings the flu again.”

“Hm. . .” Skwisgaar sat at the tub's edge. “Where ams dat list of t'ing to watch for, if you haves a bad reaction to dat medication? Maybes you should go talks to de doctor.”

Toki groaned; they hadn't gone down there since Skwisgaar's blood-work came back. Both of their CD4 counts remained in normal range, even if their viral counts sat on the higher end, so Toki enjoyed pretending that their health hadn't really changed. Settled in that, he didn't at all wish to face this. “Does we haves to?”

“Ams for de best. Dis could torns out really bads if you ignore it. Ams why we goes through a sensitivity test, because goings on medication wit' dis ingredient coulds has quite possiblies kill you.”

“Kills me?” Toki couldn't handle death; he felt what colour remained leave his face.

“And if you am sick because of de medication, den dis shoulds all clear up by tomorrow when dat crap come off your back.” Skwisgaar closed the tap and drained the small amount of water that managed to accumulate. “Don'ts you at least want to deals wit' it for _dat?_ ”

After hesitantly agreeing, Toki dressed. Aching limbs didn't make it easy. “You cans go on to the band meeting, if you likes. Text me when it's over, and I tells you where I am?”

“You shore?” Skwisgaar rubbed his back. “I cans put it off, if you needs me.”

“Thanks, but you shoulds go. With so many days after nothings has happened in the studio, or with practice. . .”

“Rights.” At the appropriate fork in the corridor, Skwisgaar pulled Toki into a hug. “Goods luck, den. If you gets out of dere before I text you, let's me know how it go. I'll catches up to you.”

“Was it the medication?” Charles asked in the courtroom.

Toki nodded. “Graveworms took the stuff off me and my symptoms were gones by the end of the next day.”

“Coming back to that night you went down to see him, for the court record, what was the band meeting about?”

“You were askings why nothing had gottens done.” Toki felt it very appropriate that Charles avert his gaze, ashamed for his own contribution to Skwisgaar's breakdown. “From what I heards, Skwisgaar's request that Nathan apolgesize to me for beings an asshole was pushed aside. Was afters that, that we starteds practicing dailies to gets ready for the benefit concert.”

“That was a great point of stress for Skwisgaar, was it not?”

“I. . .didn'ts help.” Toki's gaze shifted from Charles to Skwisgaar. Yet again, the other man managed to maintain their lock. “Skwisgaar gots busy again. He was in the studios all day, and then we hads practice at night.”

“What do you mean, when you say you didn't help his stress?”

“Afters my symptoms from the abacavir sensitivities test went away, I wents back to Graveworm. Now that we knews I couldn'ts take any medication for my HIV that hads that ingredient, he prescribed me somethings different to try. I was puts on Combivir and a highs dose of Kaletra. The Kaletra woulds bring down my viral count, while the Combivir woulds make sure that the virus didn'ts replicate itself. Um. . .I thinks that how it work, anyway. One of the side effects that I gots from Combivir was bad memory of that time.” Toki paused briefly. “Anothers was depression. Since I starteds taking the medication at the same time that things with the band got crazy, I thoughts was related. It didn'ts help that when it cames to me as a guitarist, I still wasn'ts exactly what Skwisgaar wanteds me to be.”

Skwisgaar disappearing from Toki's daily life again in Mordhaus hit him harder than expected. Return to his own music resulted in zero interest and a similar amount of creativity, which refused to be wrung out. Nothing he produced sounded good when complete, anyway. Anything upbeat only sounded hollow and strange.

He thought he'd feel better back in Skwisgaar's presence at band practice, and while a dart of happiness lit him up when they first saw one another, getting down to business obliterated it. His struggling interest in music translated to his guitar. The hope that obvious lack of practice would go unnoticed went as well as any other time Dethklok congregated. About halfway through the first song, Skwisgaar called for a stop.

“Ohoho, thisch isch gonna be good.” Murderface nudged Nathan.

To avoid a scene, Skwisgaar approached Toki on the other side of the makeshift stage rather than yell across it, as he used to do. Toki kept his gaze to the floor, terrified to see anger or disappointment in his lover. It was bad enough to hear it etched into his tone, however low he kept it. “You forgots dat change I showeds to you de other day.”

“Which—? Oh, rights.” Toki's fingers ran through the alteration. Besides not practicing, he allowed his attention to roam now that they all practiced. If he could only concentrate on his instrument long enough, bullshitting his way through the song might become feasible. However, going through it again called for another stop.

“Toki, all I cans hear am your finger slidings. Where am de notes?”

Even though Skwisgaar kept his voice level, it still hit Toki harder than necessary. He knew dating wouldn't change their dynamic as guitarists, given Skwisgaar's perfectionism, but even though the man wasn't as harsh, the cloud of disappointment seeped into Toki as well. At the end of the setlist, Toki departed without much of a word. Later, rather than traverse to the fur-laden blanket for sleep, his own bed earned a crash. Toki woke up later when a hand shook his shoulder.

“How comes you am in here?” Skwisgaar's smile was visible in the dim light. Like when woken up to help tend to the woman Skwisgaar murdered at the start of their road trip, his face hid mostly in shadow. “Ams you nots feeling good again?”

“No, I's okay.” Toki's eyes remained heavy with fatigue. “I feels bad about earlier. I'm sorries.”

“Don'ts be. Just keeps practicing your guitar, ja? We only has twelve days until we haves to fly outs to Nevada, so dis need to count.”

Right now, Toki couldn't fathom moving as far as Skwisgaar's room, let alone going all the way to Nevada. Considering everything that happened there, with and without his presence, took an unprecedented toll on his energy. “I reallies wish we didn'ts have to does that.”

“Don'ts we all. Ams you comings to bed?”

“I suppose I coulds.”

Anticipating going right back to sleep therein, Toki barely reacted when an arm came around his middle and a mouth found his neck. “I missed you, todays.”

“You gots to sees me at practice.”

“Does dat really counts? Ams band stuff, not us stuff.”

“Dids you have something in mind to does?”

Of course Skwisgaar did. Nice as attention to his earlobe and fingers running over his abdominals felt, Toki couldn't get into it. Skwisgaar picked up on it pretty quickly. “What's you t'ink?”

“I's pretty tired but. . .I woulds like to,” Toki managed with a smile. “Hows you want me?”

On all fours proved easier for both. While Toki still remained too shot of energy to enjoy it as much as he had when he first started bottoming, he liked that Skwisgaar didn't pass him up for a random fuck downstairs. However tired he was, he recognized the reemerged importance of spending the tail-end of the night and early morning together. For that, guilt seeped in that he couldn't be more for the sweaty, spent man reemerging from the bathroom.

Toki curled up against Skwisgaar when he slid back under the blankets. “Sorry I'm so low energies tonight. I don'ts know why I's this tired.”

“Ams okay. Afters a day wit' Pickle and Nat'an in de studio, den practicings for a couples hour, I wants low energy. I'ms pretty fuckings exhausted too.”

“I hopes I'll be betters after I get a long nights of rest. I thinks maybe is emotional exhaustions, you know? All those shitty motel beds we stayeds in, plus runnings out of Mexico, then all the craps we cames home to. . .is finallies hittings me.”

“We needs a vacation afters our vacation.” Skwisgaar chuckled. “I underskands dat. Ugh, dere am day I wish I didn'ts have to gets out of bed.”

“We didn'ts there, for a little whiles.” Toki reminded him of the solid week they pretty much spent discovering every which position he could take dick in. “Maybes all _thats_ is catching up to me too.”

“Seemeds normal to me.”

“Of course it dids.” Skwisgaar received a kiss on the nose. “I think sometimes about whats you said, that I wouldn'ts always be ables to keeps up with you. I wanteds to challenge that, but maybes is true after all.”

“My feelings amn't horts over it. I expecteds dat to happen. _No one_ can keeps up to me.”

“That isn't somethings you should sound so proud of.”

“ _Pff_.” Skwisgaar nudged him. “If I'ms having a good time, den what ams it to anyone else? So longs as I amn'ts horting nobody, ams totallies fine.”

“Is true.”

“How you does wit' dat, anyways?” Skwisgaar rubbed Toki's hip. “You don'ts really ask abouts it anymore. Ams it because you don'ts really care, or. . .?”

“Partlies, I guess. I trusts that I knows whats you up to, and I cans tell when you haves or hasn'ts gotten your dick sucked lately all on my owns. I cares about it only because I cares about you, but mostly I's pretty indifferents. Is just a facts of life now, you knows?”

“Dis ams purely hypotheticals, but what woulds you t'ink if it was another dude I fucked, nots just women? Dudes, I guess,” Skwisgaar tacked on with a shrug. “Woulds you feel threatened, because den I ams getting dick somewhere else?”

“I's not sure. Ares you thinking about fuckings other guys?”

“Sometimes I gets de urge for a good spits-roast.”

“Whats is that?” Toki chuckled.

“You knows, likes t'ink about when you cooks a hog overs a fire. You gots one dick in your ass, while you suckings another.”

“Oh, you dids that in Chicago.”

“Dat sort of t'ing, ja.”

“Don'ts bother me.” Not much did, when Toki felt like this. “I mean, I seens it, is still just sex, so whatevers.”

Grinning, Skwisgaar kissed Toki's cheek. “T'anks you for beings underskanding.”

“I understands your need to haves a dick in your mouth at the sames time you haves one in your ass.”

Just like Toki couldn't say that with a straight face, Skwisgaar couldn't hear it with one. “Okay, sounds a bit slutties when you puts it dat way.”

“Who cares? Just be safes and have fun. What cans anyone else say, if you's doings that?” 


	85. Albatross

“All right. Everyone stop.”

Toki's fingers immediately obeyed, having begged to cease movement throughout the entire last hour of band practice. He didn't understand; despite his playing moving in the opposite direction of improvement, Skwisgaar failed to comment. Anxiety coiled in Toki's chest; would it all come as one solid hit, now that Nathan called for an end?

His sternum earned a hefty poke, when Nathan stood before him. “What the hell is wrong with your playing? It's fucking awful. I've heard better out on the street. Get your head in the game, Toki. That's the only time I'm going to tell it to you nicely.

“And Skwisgaar,” Nathan rounded on the other man, summoning an expression of worry. “Where the fuck are _you?_ You're the one that wrote these guitar lines, how can you listen to this and not cringe? Even _I'm_ having a hard time concentrating on anything else.”

“It amn'ts. . .” Skwisgaar started, quickly falling quiet under weight of Nathan's glare. “So he amn'ts having a great night. Gives to him a break.”

“No. No more breaks. You putting us another week behind for some pathetic little cause was the last straw. We've got nine days until Nevada—until the first show we're playing since you two came back. Make it count, so that nobody wonders why the fuck you even bothered to show your faces again.”

Skwisgaar's lips parted, offence unfiltered by a lacking mask. Behind his drum kit, Pickles snapped his stick on a cymbal. “Dood, uncalled for!”

“Is it? What've you been listening to back there, if not this?” Nathan resumed position centre-stage. “Killstardo Abominate, from the top.”

“Schuch a dick. . .” was the last comment before Pickles begrudgingly counted them in. Nathan's brand of motivation didn't work for Toki. Maybe it did for Skwisgaar who, with tightly pressed lips and a bowed head, fended off the blow. More for him than himself did Toki concentrate on making his fingers work.

“Getting better, but it still needs work,” Nathan commented at the end. “Let's call that a night. Hey Skwisgaar, come here a minute.”

Toki had no mind to eavesdrop. Before Murderface had unslung his bass and Pickles made to stand from his stool, he'd departed. Not only did band practice deplete whatever energy he managed to save up throughout the day, but tears stung his eyes. He wanted to stay on his high-horse and maintain that Nathan had no right, but if Skwisgaar wasn't going to give him shit for his sloppy playing, then who else would? Toki knew he sucked. He hadn't practiced at all while Pickles, Skwisgaar, and Nathan busied themselves in the studio; he couldn't manage bare minimum when he felt so tired, empty, and unmotivated.

He should probably stick to his guitar now, while Dethklok's actual contributors returned to work, but the rest of Toki's energy went into unslinging his instrument and undressing in Skwisgaar's room. No matter how exhausted, he only managed to toss and turn in the darkness.

He sighed in defeat when Skwisgaar snuck in later. “You don'ts got to try and be quiet. I's awake.”

“Ams you?” Faint orange filtered through Toki's eyelids, as Skwisgaar flicked on a lamp. His boots hit the floor as he roughly exhaled. “Cans you believe dat? I'ves never been so pissed at Nat'an before. How cans he says dat to us, abouts not even botherings to come home if we can'ts give him de standord he want? I woulds have happily stayeds away, if I knew he was going to be such a fuckings _dildo_.”

“He's right, though. I sucks ass tonight.” Hard as it was to admit, Toki ground out, “And it don'ts do me, you, or anyones any favours if you don'ts point that out.”

“We alls have our goods and bad day. He can kiss my ass. You know what he say to me, afters you left? 'Hey Skwisgaar, maybes get your dick out of his butt longs enough to lets him practice.' How can he says dat? At dis point, he ams being needlessly cruel. He knows where I ams all day, and franklies, I t'ink he ams on a power trip because he gots his way after tattlings to Charles about me refusings to do anyt'ing until he apolgesac to you.”

“Guess we shoulds has just known betters.”

“It ams de point! Why do dey t'ink dey can lords dis over us, and for how _long_ am dis goings to last? When does we get de respect we ams entitleds to? Gods fucking damn it, no matters what we dids or what happeneds to us, we ams deir friends. We shouldn'ts be guilteds and treateds like fucking _dogs_.”

Skwisgaar crossed his arms after spiking his shirt into the stone floor, nose wrinkled to max capacity. His frustration hit Toki right down to his bones. “Comes here.”

As soon as Toki wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar and encouraged his head to find purchase against his chest, bony shoulders relinquished their tension. “I'ms just so sicks of it. I'm sicks of de comments, de pushiness, just. . .alls of it. He ams de only one capables of making me feels bad about loving somebody.”

“I'm sorry, Skwis.”

“Don'ts be. Dis amn'ts your fault.”

Toki felt its entire weight, though; every issue the band had came right back to him. The reason Nathan, Pickles, and Skwisgaar had to work so hard to abide by Crystal Mountain's contract was because his disappearance with the Revengencers set them back early-on in, and then his selfishness to have Skwisgaar to himself for a while delayed them that much more these past six weeks. Now when Toki looked down at Skwisgaar, he saw someone that he hurt the same way Magnus hurt _him_. Magnus never considered himself the bad guy until the very end, and neither did Toki until now. Like Skwisgaar assured him of lacking guilt, so Toki had done Magnus before Roy's funeral.

Look what Toki had done to Skwisgaar, by them getting so involved. The once proud man clutched him, just as broken as whom he considered his lifeline. In the shadow-heavy room, every run of fingers through dyed brown hair seemed to transfer whatever blackness filled Toki since his birth. If only Toki had just rolled over, that night Skwisgaar choked his lay to death. They could've avoided so much trouble. Skwisgaar could've been spared HIV, getting traumatized by their stint in captivity, and then a relationship that only earned him trouble now that they stepped back into their fame's reality.

As result of his thoughts, Toki could barely summon a pucker when Skwisgaar sought out further comfort with a kiss. “Ams everyt'ing okay wit' you?”

“Has just beens a shitty day.” The emptiness that constantly plagued Toki filled with gloom, instead. The bruise left earlier by Nathan only emphasized it. “I'm sorries.”

“Ams okay. I gets it.” Skwisgaar slunk out of his arms, headed for the bathroom to go about his pre-sleep routine. While he listened, Toki fought against the urge to retreat back to his own bed. Since he couldn't manage that, not for himself or for the conversation it'd incite, he pretended instead to be asleep when Skwisgaar weighed down his side of the mattress.

“It was bad,” Toki admitted, in Stockholm. Even after switching medications and opening up to his mother and Abigail about his difficulties, holding back tears of shame compelled him to stare toward the ceiling. “Evens now, sometimes I have a hard time gettings past that logic. I really do brings bad luck to everyone I's around, if I don't somehow kills them first. Evens if I wasn't right about that, pullings away like I did only mades it worse. All overs again, here is my faults for something bad that happeneds to someone I love. I shoulds has been there, for Skwisgaar. I shoulds has recognized what was goings on with me, and why it was happenings. Is so hard though, to see things objectively. In hindsights. . .I kick myselfs in the ass everyday, evens if I couldn'ts do anything abouts it at the time.”

Skwisgaar leaned on his elbow over the defence table with his jaw cradled, when Toki looked. Melancholic expression had given way for a smile that finally managed to reach his eyes. Toki read into its meaning immediately, causing him to falter on his thoughts. Whatever forgiveness Skwisgaar offered up, it didn't matter now. At the very least, hundreds of kilometres would separate them for many, many years. No way, with how physical they required their relationships be, could they possibly maintain it. Even the freedom to fuck other people only carried them so far.

“So what _could_ you do at the time?” Charles brought Toki's attention back to the subject at hand. “If you weren't able to practice or pursue any of your usual daily activities, what preoccupied you?”

“Honestlies. . .beds. I couldn't sleeps at night, so I stayeds in bed during the day tryings to get caught up. The afternoon afters we had that really shitty band practice, I moveds back into my own room in hopes that I could somewhat hides it. I didn'ts want Skwisgaar to comes by his room and sees me like that.” Toki rubbed his hands together. “When I wokes up, sometimes around dinner, I'd gottens a text from Abigail. That cheereds me up some. I hadn't heards from her since she wents back home, to work.”

At Mordhaus, Toki pat about his blankets in search for his phone. It woke him up, although he'd fallen right back asleep after briefly lifting his head. For all the shit that came his way since the last band meeting, he wasn't all too eager to check it right away. However, Abigail's name cocked his head in fresh hope.

_'Hey, Toki. It's been a while since we talked. I miss your dumb ass.'_

Toki's tongue poked out as he tapped a reply. _'sorry i didnt get back 2 u rite away i was sleeping. How u been?'_

_'So-so. Working long days lately, so I'm pretty exhausted. What've you been up to?'_

Unsure how to answer, Toki hesitated. _'Same, I guess. Charles and the label have come down on us rly hard 2 get the next album out. Then we have that concert next weekend....'_

_'Nathan's been talking about that a lot. Are all of you that stressed out about it? It's just a concert, right?'_

_'I guess'_ Toki pressed his lips together; should he ask? _'Has he bin talking 2 u at all? Not to sound mean or start shit but hes been a total asshole lately'_

While waiting for a response, Abigail's contact picture popped up instead to accompany an incoming call. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself. What's he been doing?”

Toki hated to tattle the same way Nathan had to Charles, but something needed to give. If anyone could permeate Nathan's thick skull, it was Abigail. However hesitantly he started off, once Toki edged in on Nathan's bad behaviour, the easier the story came out. By the end of it, Toki laid with his eyes closed. “I don'ts know what to does anymore. I don'ts get where this is evens coming from. He was happies to see us, when we first mets up in Texas. Why is he being so means? We knows we fucked up, and we's paying for it. Why does he go so far out of his way to do this?”

Abigail sighed. “You know what you said about Skwisgaar, when we went out for lunch? How he's not all that great at expressing himself with other people?”

“I know Nathan's the sames way, you don'ts got to tells me. What excuse does he haves, for how he beens lately? He blames us for _everythings_ what's going wrongs right now, even though there isn'ts much of a difference in gettings two albums done in thirty-two or thirty-three months, likes we would has had if me and Skwisgaar never lefts.”

“He was terrified, you know. This was the situation with Magnus all over again, except this time he wouldn't get fucked up to numb himself to it. He said something once that stuck with me, 'you know what's scarier than someone taking them away? Them going on their own. It's an extra punch to the gut, like when you find out your best friend wasn't murdered, he just killed himself. That way, it's not just an accident anymore. Now you're haunted forever, because was there maybe something you could've done to stop it? Did I do something that pushed him to it? You never know, because who the fuck're you going to ask?'” Abigail paused. “Something along those lines, anyway.”

“He sure don'ts act like that now. He's doings way more harm than good. I can't stands him, I don'ts think _anyone_ can. Even Pickle is getting feds up with his bullshit, and that takes a lot.”

“He's under the same stress you all are, and he doesn't know how to handle you and Skwisgaar, right now. Neither of you will talk about why you left or what happened, and he's sure you're going to leave again or quit the band.”

“I mights, if he keep this up. I don'ts know how much longer I can puts up with it.”

“How about this, sweetie? I'll talk to him. I more than anyone know how difficult he can be.” Abigail chuckled. “Would that make you feel better?”

“Depends what come of it, I guess.”

“What _did?_ ” Charles asked, in Stockholm.

However many months ago it occurred, Toki still scoffed thanks to the anger that filtered into his gut. Not much had changed even at _this_ point. “Next days when I saws him at practice, he tolds me if I hads a problem with him, then I neededs to leave his girlfriend out of it.”

Nathan jabbed the same spot on Toki's chest, upper lip curled against his teeth. “Put her in the middle again and you're going to have even bigger problems, Toki. You don't have any right, after the bullshit you put her through, to get her involved.”

“Hey,” Skwisgaar snapped from the other side of Nathan's burly figure. “Leaves him alone! Does you gots any idea how fuckings _fruskrating—_ ”

“Back off, Skwisgaar. This has nothing to do with you.” Nathan rounded on Toki again. “You got it? Can I make it any clearer?”

Toki shook his head. “I gets it.”

“Good. Then let's get this bullshit over with. We'll start from the top, with Black Fire. Count us in, Pickles.”

Charles cleared his throat. “And what came of that?”

“I dids as he told me to. I lefts Abigail out of it.” Ghost of the surrender Toki gave then to Nathan's moodiness infiltrated him all over again. Skwisgaar too, judging by his suddenly tired expression. Bags were visible beneath his eyes. “What else coulds I do? He woulds only makes my life so much more miserable. He hads a point, anyway. What gaves me the right to drag her into a situation I'ds made for myself? If they leaned on each others while me and Skwisgaar were gones, I couldn'ts inject myself in that anymore. I was just a friends that had screweds up majorly. Them? They were likes me and Skwisgaar, and just likes I couldn't imagine choosing anyone's side over Skwisgaar, how coulds I expect the same from anyone else?”

In a lull, Toki regarded the long, thin hand situated palm-down on the defence table. Urge to squeeze it led to Toki enclosing his right tightly over his left, in order for some relief.

“So with Nathan so aggravated toward you and that straining the band, the benefit concert coming up, a near-impossible deadline set by the record label, and your medication only emphasizing your inability to cope with the various stressors, what happened next?”

It seemed so stupid now, meaning Toki would much rather breeze the rest of that period over, but that didn't change the fact of what happened. “Well, naturalies, Skwisgaar and I started fightings.” 


	86. Rock and a Hard Place

Skwisgaar's fingers danced over his fretboard, fascinating Toki's fingers more in their fluidity than the notes they played. “Dids you see dat?”

“Ja.”

“Now tries it.”

“Shows me once more?”

Behind them, Nathan separated from his water bottle. “How many times does it take to—?”

“Don't starts,” Skwisgaar snapped. “We ams doing what we cans. Fucks off.”

Turning back to Toki, Skwisgaar repositioned his fingers at the top of the segment. Although he defended Toki against Nathan, his patience too had been wearing thin this practice. Rather than let things go, as per his previous strategy, he tackled Toki's ineffective playing head-on. Teaching a rehashed line in Murmaider offered ample opportunity. “Tries again.”

A couple more run-throughs got them nowhere, especially when Toki too grew frustrated. “Why does you always do this? Rights before a show, you makes all these changes. Why? Whats is the point? I learneds it the way you puts it on the album, isn'ts that good enough?”

“Live shows am differensk, and what ams de point of playings de same songs over and over again if we don'ts give de audience somet'ing new to chews on? Does you t'ink dey'll keeps coming to de concorts if we ams basicallies playing de album for dem?”

“That's bullshits and you knows it. They comes because they wants to see us.”

“Dey comes because dey cans expeck somet'ing new wit' somet'ing old. If dey ams going to pay t'ousands of dollar for a ticket, we best makes dat wort' it for dem. Why ams we arguings dis, anyway? Has been de way it am for years. You ams just fruskrated because your finger can'ts keep up.”

“You keeps making the songs harder and harder! That isn'ts my fault!” Aware smirks came over Murderface and Nathan in anticipation for a lover's quarrel, Toki attempted to keep his voice low and level. “Is easy for you because you practice thems all the time and you cans get your fingers to go more places than mine. Looks at this bit, I can'ts do it because my fingers are too shorts. Yours is long, so ja, you cans reach the string.”

“Ifs you have a hard time reaching de string, den why woulds you design a guitar wit' seven of dem?”

“I—thats is totallies irrelevant, rights now.”

“No it amn'ts. I rewrotes dis part for a seven-string rhythm guitars.”

“I cans play seven-string, but you gots to make it reasonable, Skwisgaar.”

“Dis am how it sound good. Dat am all de reasonables you should need.”

“Reasons is different than reasonables.” Annoyed, Toki rubbed his face. He should know after this long of holding Skwisgaar's acquaintance that he wouldn't budge. He loved the man for his standard of art and bullheadedness, but right now? Not so much. “Whatevers. Show me again.”

“No, no, stops dat,” Skwisgaar cut Toki off less than ten notes into his repetition. “Ams harmful to de ear. Puts your finger here.”

“How the hells is I supposed to gets that finger from there to here in likes a quarter of a second?” Toki asked when Skwisgaar repositioned his hand. “Does you see how weirds it sits on my frets now? Is unspossibles.”

“No it amn'ts, quit sayings dat! If I cans do it, you can too.”

“Skwisgaar, _looks at my hand_. I don'ts got as longs of fingers as you do, they don'ts bend and reach like this.”

“You ams fast, makes it work.”

“I'ms tryings, okay?”

Toki ran through a couple more practice riffs before Skwisgaar deemed it passable for the song as a whole to be attempted by the entire band. However, as soon as that patch came to an end, Skwisgaar lifted his hand as signal to cease and marched right back over to Toki. “You ams doing dat t'ing again, where you miss de little deedle-deedle-deedle ins betweens de old notes!”

“I tolds you, I can'ts do it! Learns to lives without the deedles, we dids just fines before!”

By the end of the practice, Toki was fed up with Skwisgaar's very face. Skwisgaar resuming his old perfectionist attitude spared Toki of Nathan, and yet, when another completed studio session merged them later beneath fur, annoyance kept Toki in state of pretending to slumber. It was already humiliating enough before, for Skwisgaar to stilt their band practices in order to lecture and adjust, but now that they dated? The other guys smirking hurt twice as much.

“I cans tell you am awake, by de way,” Skwisgaar eventually stated, back to him. “You breathes differensk when you sleep.”

Busted, all Toki could do was roll his eyes. “Whatevers.”

“You tolds me was okay to do dat, so I don'ts get why you ams all ups in a huff.”

“Because is unsbarrassing, and I hates it.”

“Den learns de parts.”

“I tolds you, is too hards for my fingers.” The corners of Toki's mouth pulled downward. “This is whats you always does, you writes the song for if _you_ was playings it. You nevers writes it for _me_.”

“I writes it for how it will sounds good to go wit' my parts. You ams just beings difficults about it. I knows what you ams capables of, and believe me, I takes dat into considerations.” Skwisgaar paused. “Maybes if you was practicing, you woulds be ables to.”

Toki lifted his face off the pillow. “Excuse mes?”

“You t'inks I can't tell? I didn't says anyt'ing dere because Nat'an woulds has jumped all overs it, but you gots to meets me halfway if you want band practice to goes easier. What de hell ams you doings all day, if you amn'ts gettings brushed up on your guitar?”

“I'ms tryings, okay? I reallies don't want to talk about this when we're tryings to go to sleeps.”

“When else am I supposed to touch base wit' you, ah?”

“How abouts a different time than the onlies part of the day where we can sees each other without havings to worry about band stuff?”

Skwisgaar scoffed. “So a times when you amn'ts pretendings to be asleep, to avoids me.”

“Ifs you weren't so annoyings and didn't puts me down in front of the other guys, I mights be more inclined to be arounds you.”

“You t'ink I amn'ts annoyed wit' you as a guitarist, rights now? Learns to separate it from _us_ , how abouts? Goddamns it Toki, we shoulds be better dan dis.”

“Is easy for _you_ to say. You always comes out lookings pretty damn good when you puts old Toki down.”

“Ja, because I likes talkings to my boyfriend like dat in front of our friends.”

“Nevers bothered you before.”

“Just. . .shuts up about it. You won'ts meet me halfway and practice your guitar, so whats you want me to does about it? Just lets Nat'an deal wit' it again?”

That as his only alternative curled Toki further inward. Today he'd commended himself for not wasting all the hours of sunlight hiding beneath his blankets, but what good was it when he still failed to do anything remotely important? What _had_ he done, all day? He still couldn't concentrate on anything for more than thirty seconds at a time, flitting from his recording program to the internet, to Netflix and then ultimately to an aimless wander around Mordhaus. He _meant_ to get to his guitar, well aware of where doing nothing would eventually get him. . .

“Whatevers, Toki. It ams up to you. I'ms going to say, though, dat I haves been puttings a lot of long days into de band latelies, and woulds be nice if I didn'ts have to worry about dis too. Pulls your own weight for a while, ja?”

“I tries, but it never really matters because always comes to this anyway. Why don'ts you just go to sleeps and leave me alone abouts it?”

A long silence led Toki to believe Skwisgaar obeyed. Regret stabbed through his annoyance when the response came on the tail-end of a sigh. “Fines.”

“It was totallies petty,” Toki admitted in Stockholm. “Honestlies though, evens if everything was goods between us, I can't stands him when it come down to the wire for band stuffs. I loves his arrogance, I loves his attitude, but I cans only stands it so long when it comes down on _me_. Maybes if I felts better and hads the energy to does as he asked, it wouldn'ts has been such a big deal. I mean, we haves the tools to overcome anything. Once you learns how to talks, levels, and compromise with someones, there really isn'ts much you can't do.”

“So what made this different?”

“Besides not having the energy to deals with him, was the first time we hads to reconciles our relatesingip with the band. Is a stressful situation, and. . .I don'ts know, I just wasn'ts capable of it. Is stupids to me in hindsight, because now thats I's changed medications and that depression is for the most parts taken care of, I's far away from how I felts at the time. If I wasn't struggling so much, we probablies woulds has just hads an angry fuck and wents to sleep.” A chuckle from the defence table threw Toki off; unable to inhibit cracking a smile, he hid it as best he could from the judges. “Like that, though. . .beings by myself all day puts me in a cesspool for bads thoughts. Alls that progress I mades abouts getting my heads out of Mexico starteds peeling back like old wallpaper. Sex. . .well, I wasn'ts in the moods anyway, when me and Skwisgaar were havings all these stupid spats. Evens by myself, I hads no drive. No interest.”

By some miracle, back at Mordhaus, Toki managed to practice his guitar for the hour leading up to when he'd meet with the band. Although Skwisgaar still called for constant pauses throughout, he had much less to say. It reflected in his mood when they converged later. “We ams all goings out.”

“Goings out?” Toki repeated. “Why?”

“To haves a break. Gets dressed.”

“We can'ts do anything,” Toki reminded him. “Remembers what Graveworm saids about mixing our meds with other drugs and booze?”

“ _Pff_ , fucks dat. When has anyt'ing really evers fuck wit' us?” Skwisgaar dropped onto the bed's edge, eyes alight with excitement. “Come on, please? When ams de last time we gots to have fun? Maybes de ot'er guys will be ins a good mood too, if we all parties toget'er.”

Yeah, right. “Skwis, I can'ts bring myself to goes around Nathan any mores than I needs to.”

“Does it for _me?_ ”

“It'll onlies be me sittings there taking shit all night. I's not going.”

“Please?” Skwisgaar tried again. When Toki didn't budge, disappointment superseded his excitement. “Fines. Don'ts expeck me to stays home because you won'ts come, though.”

“I never saids you hads to.”

“Just making shore you know I amn'ts taking sides. I deserve some fun for all dis crap I beens having to go t'rough.”

While Skwisgaar headed for the shower, Toki yet again considered moving to his own room. The last few nights, it hadn't mattered that he slept in Skwisgaar's. In fact, due to the minute jabs they tossed back and forth, it'd actually done more harm than good. Did Skwisgaar mean to hint that his lack of fun was in part Toki's fault? Sure, Toki hadn't been up to lifting his ass off the mattress for a dicking, or even for minor affection, but. . .whatever. Toki could hardly even summon a single fuck for whatever ulterior motive Skwisgaar had in saying that. If Skwisgaar wanted to go out and get laid, that was his prerogative. If he wanted to try and incite jealousy after all the effort he'd put in to make sure Toki didn't react that way, then he could deal with the consequences. For now, Toki wouldn't deal with _him_. While the shower still ran, he gathered himself up and relocated to his twin-sized sanctuary.

Insomnia afflicted him yet again; staring up at his model planes, Toki revisited his favourite moments from the road trip. Why exactly, did he ever think he and Skwisgaar could maintain something like this at Mordhaus? Did his optimism only get away from him all over again? Maybe he should've listened to Skwisgaar's hesitation. The issue never was whether or not they cared about each other. This hotbed of stress, though? It made a relationship nearly impossible.

Part of why Toki avoided speaking with Skwisgaar was because their propensity to discuss everything in-depth made this an inevitable topic. Even if Toki couldn't stand Skwisgaar right now, even with certainty that he pulled the man down, Toki couldn't handle a break-up. He didn't want to be wrong, especially in the face of his friends. He didn't want everything they'd been through to be for nothing. However toxic or cold this grew, what would Toki do on his lonesome? Losing Skwisgaar would be like losing both arms and both legs. How would he even function?

Ugh, some things simply weren't meant to cross his mind at this hour. Want for a drink meant he wished he'd gone out with the other guys, but getting pinched between a rock and a hard place only rendered him immobile and unable to fathom anything other than the good time they undoubtedly had free of his presence. 


	87. Spark

Goddamn Skwisgaar. Whether or not he intended to make Toki jealous, it worked. The sleep Toki wished for slipped through his fingers as dawn inched over the eastern horizon.

Skwisgaar was right, that they were better than this. So then why did they bicker about such petty things? Why did Skwisgaar make a point to say that he was going out and getting laid, and that Toki couldn't do a thing about it? With that up in the air, their open relationship suddenly seemed yet again like a ploy in order for Skwisgaar to get his way. It's only cheating if he felt cheated on, Toki reminded himself, and with this latest bout of bad behaviour, he couldn't help but let that particular brand of hurt slide into existence behind his ribcage.

Fitful sleep ended when Toki's alarm went off, reminding him to find some breakfast so that he could swallow another couple horse pills. Lucky Skwisgaar; he hadn't reacted badly yet to the abacavir, far as Toki knew, so he could still live in a state of denial about his health. Maybe that emphasized why he wanted to go out with the very bandmates that spurned them. Toki wasn't exactly fun lately, and the mental weight of living with a terminal illness dampened will to be anything remotely close to that. Maybe Skwisgaar saw his future, when he looked at Toki. Maybe he wondered what good treatment was when HIV shattered who and what they were.

“Good morning, master,” Jean-Pierre greeted Toki in the kitchen. To Toki's surprise, he wasn't the first band member to seek out food. Murderface sat alone at the table before dented mountains of it and three other emptied plates.

“Hey, you're late,” the man stated when Toki plopped down on the opposite side. “The other guysch juscht left back to the schtudio.”

Right on time, then. “They aren'ts going to bed first?”

“Nah, schaid they had to keep going. Headsch up: Schkwischgaar schaid he wasch going to come find you later, make schure you're practisching.”

“I bets he is.” Toki shrugged and reached for the sausages. “What's _you_ up to, today?”

“Schleep'sch all I've got on my mind. Maybe jack off, firscht.”

“Oh ja.”

Next, Toki slid some bacon onto his plate. He didn't look up, but he could feel Murderface studying him. “Scho. You're really gay, huh? Can't deny I didn't schee it coming, but geez.”

“All the things there is ins the world to talks about, and thats is what you choose?”

“Can't really aschk anything with Nathan around, and Schkwischgaar's just grossch.”

Toki snorted; someone putting down his boyfriend cheered him in two ways, by validation and regarding the man in a wistful manner.

“Admit it, gay schit ischn't schomething that'sch ever been out in the open here. You can't schay anything without being accusched of liking dick.”

“Does _you?_ Is thats why you ask?”

“No!” Murderface immediately denied.

“If anyones isn'ts going to judge you, is old Toki. There isn'ts much I can tease you abouts after I's been fuckeds in the ass and suckeds a dick.”

“Okay, what isch it about you and Schkwischgaar rubbing off on each other? You're schtarting to get asch grossch asch _he_ isch about schex, and he'sch picking up all this schit from _you_.”

“Likes what?”

“No matter what I schaid lascht night, he'sch alwaysch trying to call me on it. He usched to juscht schit there and lischten, but no, now he doeschn't believe a word I schay about anything. And he kept schaying wowie until Nathan told him to knock it off.” Murderface stabbed a sausage on his plate. “Isch that what happensch, when you date schomeone? You schlowly melt down into one dischgusting blob creature?”

“Is just what happen when you spends a lot of time with someone.”

“I don't know anyone in the world I'd want to schpend more than ten minutesch with. You asschholesch are a bit different, but ugh. Women, am I right?”

“Womens are nice, fucks off about them.”

“You're dating a dude, though.”

“Doesn'ts automatically mean women are inferiors. You betters watch it, because ones of my best friends is a woman and I'll puts you in a full nelson if you says anything means about her.”

“Abigailsch cool,” Murderface backed down.

“Nots just Abigail. Alls of them. Waits until one lets you eat her out, then you can gets back to me.”

“Eat—? Dude, schut the fuck up, that'sch naschty.”

“No it isn'ts, they tastes really good.”

“Schee?” Murderface's volume rose enough to make Toki jump. “Thisch isch what I mean! It'sch like I don't even know if I'm talking to you or _him!_ ”

“Who?”

“Fucking Schkwischgaar! That'sch the kind of naschty schit he'd throw out into a perfectly pleaschant converschation!”

“If I learneds anything from Skwisgaar, is thats lots of different kind of sex isn'ts a big deal. Why ares you so repressed about eating ladies out? I bets Nathan do it to Abigail all the times, now.”

“Doesch he?”

Toki shrugged, although he knew it to be true. “I's just sayings that as an example. I bets Pickle does it too, he always seems so nice to the ladies he's going to hooks up with. So I guess that just leaves you who actually thinks is gross.”

“Whatever, man. That'sch bullschit. I'm going to leave now, before I hork up my breakfascht.”

Murderface departed at a good time; a klokateer milling about the kitchen approached as soon as the man's heavy footsteps faded away, and set a tiny cup filled with two pills before Toki. “Your medication, sire.”

“Thanks you.”

Their chalkiness stuck in Toki's throat, leaving a nasty aftertaste until he'd eaten enough breakfast to combat it. The mere thought of the other guys heading straight into the studio without sleep made Toki sympathetically lethargic; why would they do that to themselves? Regardless, they chose it. With that in mind, Toki decided to get straight to his guitar, while he still had energy to kill. Anything else came secondary, in hopes that Nathan would continue to leave him alone and he and Skwisgaar could potentially have a day where they didn't fight. Maybe he'd be in the mood to cuddle tonight, and definitely to explain that all his issues with Skwisgaar didn't exactly stem from their positions as guitarists. Truly, Toki's mood lately had been taken out on his boyfriend.

A quick shower came first, but before Toki could seek out further distraction he perched cross-legged on his bed with the Snow Falcon in his lap. Frequency of their practices concreted the setlist in his mind, starting him at the top. His fingers stumbled a bit to start, but fluidity overtook by the third track. Some of Skwisgaar's patches still proved difficult; whenever the man came around, he'd have to ask about a couple parts he wasn't sure he'd memorized bodily. They didn't sound completely right.

Toki's head lifted with a rapid knock against his door. Accustomed to Skwisgaar's usual coming with less enthusiasm, Toki didn't expect his face to poke in. “Ams you busy?”

A shrug and indication of his guitar closed Skwisgaar inside the room. “I was waitings for you, actuallys. I's trying to practice those parts you been showings me, and I thinks I have a couples wrong.”

Skwisgaar pulled the desk chair over. “Plays for me.”

Toki passed over his headphones, pit of nerves developing in his stomach. Just as expected, Skwisgaar wrinkled his nose less than fifteen seconds into the track.

“Your sweeps am clunkys. Tries dat again.”

“I's just worrying about the frettings for now.”

“You shoulds be concorned about all of its. How ams de fretting goings to matter, if your sweep sucks?”

Severely annoyed already, Toki drew a slow, deep breath to fend off saying something he'd regret. “Fine. I'll tries again.”

“Mm, no.” The headphones came down around Skwisgaar's neck again. “You needs to change how you ams holding your hand. You keeps missing dis one note. Well, you ams hittings it, but de position of your hand ams breezings it over. It does dis weird 'twist and die' t'ing.”

“I don't thinks I get what you mean.”

“Gives to me your guitar. I'll shows you.” The Snow Falcon immediately seemed at home in Skwisgaar's lap. It always captivated Toki, how his hands found proper purchase without any sort of fumble. “Okay, dis am what you ams doing. Watch my pinky finger.”

Usually immaculate playing was compromised by an odd twist of it, after which Skwisgaar paused. “Now dis am what I expect.

“Ams you ready to try again?” Toki resituated with the instrument and waited for Skwisgaar to don the headphones. Once more, his nose wrinkled. “Now you ams fucking up _two_ notes.”

“Oh my god Skwisgaar, who _cares?_ ” Toki blurted. “This wasn'ts what I was askings about. I's gots my own way of learnings how to play songs. You can'ts try and force me to does it _your_ way. This is why you aren'ts a great guitar teacher.”

“Considerings dat I ams de best guitarist in de world, I assumeds anyone would want to knows how I do it. _Pff_ , you ams de only one I would evers even bother tryings with. Teachings guitar, _pff_.”

“I assures you, I's _honoured_ ,” Toki tersely replied. “You haven'ts even answered the questions I needed to ask. Is this the right notes I's playing?”

“I just tolds you, no. You ams fucking it up.”

“Those aren'ts the notes I was talkings about! For beings the best guitarist alive, you sure haves a hard time wrappings your mind around that concepts.”

“Fine, just forgets dat I ams tryings to clean up all de little messes you beens making in my absence. What notes am you askings about?”

“You know whats, forgets it. I'll just asks you tonight. Guarantee you'll be stoppings me every five seconds anyway, no matters what I achieve here.”

“Don't starts being like dat. I'ms here, so let's get some stuff figureds out.”

“No, you're pissings me off. Go away.”

“Here am a suggestions, why don'ts you put de guitar asides for a bit? Dis wasn'ts even what I cames by for.”

“First you's all, Toki why aren'ts you practicing? And now that I am, you just tells me to stop.” Toki strummed halfheartedly. “Why you comes, if not for this?”

“Because I miss you, ams dat an issue too?” Arms crossed, Skwisgaar set his foot up against the bed's edge. “When ams de last time we weres on good torms?”

“I don'ts know.”

“Exactlies.”

The silence to follow rapidly turned awkward, something Toki was no longer used to with Skwisgaar. He cleared his throat and redirected attention to his instrument. “Is its just me, or. . .?”

“Or whats?”

“Has this just not beens the same, latelies?”

“No, it hasn'ts been, wit' all dis stress.”

“That isn'ts what I mean.” Maybe fighting over the course of two weeks wasn't much objectively, but when they'd only been together for less than two months? That wasn't even really the issue, though; Toki couldn't deny that that spark had just. . .depleted. He didn't want to even be around Skwisgaar, let alone touch or sleep with him.

“Things will change agains once we ams done wit' all dis band crap. I knows I'm hards on you.”

Skwisgaar's breezy tone, to Toki, meant he heard loud and clear the actual issue at hand. He just avoided it. “If you don'ts want to talks about it, is fine. We cans pretend that nothing's wrong, if you'd prefers.”

“Dis amn't somet'ing I wants to deals wit'. You ams being stupids. _Pff_ , since when haves we evers been able to gets along when gettings down to de wire about band stuff? You takes it way too porsonally, de t'ing I says about your playing. What does dat haves to do wit' our relatesingip? We am stills toget'er, we still loves each other.”

“Does we?”

“Ja,” Skwisgaar confirmed, then narrowed an eye. “Don'ts we?”

Minor degree of hesitation, as Toki considered how best to explain the lack of zest he'd felt lately for life in general, scraped the chair against the floor as Skwisgaar rapidly stood. “Don'ts you dare pull dat shit on me. Who ams de one dat said we coulds deal wit' anyt'ing, here? Who kepts pushings and pushings to ignores what might happens when we comes home, and gets into a relatesingip anyway? Don'ts you dare tells me dat you loveds me for _years_ and den pull dis shit as soon as t'ing get hard. Afters all de shit we wents through already, you owes me more dan dat.”

“I—”

“You promised you wouldn'ts gets involved wit' me, just to pulls back. You _know_ how hard dis am for me, and everyt'ing I—” Skwisgaar drew to full height, lips pressed. “I don'ts care what you haves to say, rights now. Obviously you amn't seeing t'ing clearly, or I hopes you amn't, anyway.”

“I don'ts think I am,” Toki assured him in a soft, careful tone. Reminder of his promises doubled the guilt weighing down his shoulders. “I beens having a really hards time, lately. It isn'ts just you.”

“Den we figures it out when we haves time. Am less dan a week untils we goes to Nevada. For now, let's just concentrate on de band, get dis shit over wit', and den when t'ing calm down, we comes back to dis.”

“Mights be best if we spends a little times apart.” Unfortunately, they couldn't avoid seeing each other and interacting at band practices. “Just powers through this and. . .I don'ts know, gives ourselves a chance to miss each other, or somethings.”

“Maybes dat ams it. We am seeings too much of each other. Well. . .too much of each other like _dis_ , anyway.” Skwisgaar rubbed his arms, fighting with himself to further speak. “You don'ts even touch me, or calls me elskling.”

“Comes here.” Toki couldn't send Skwisgaar away, that rashly. However disinterested he'd felt, it hurt to know he'd deprived his boyfriend of something so necessary. That assured him that his general lack of enjoyment had nothing to do with Skwisgaar. When they sat beside each other, Toki encouraged the man to rest his head on his shoulder; a kiss to Skwisgaar's hairline followed. “I'm sorries. You are my elskling, whethers or nots I beens present enough to tells you that. I don'ts know what's wrong with me. This whole things with the band has gots me so down. I'm hopings that when's over, I'll be ables to gets my shit together.”

“Haves you been to Twinkletits, to talks yet?”

Toki rolled his lip through his teeth. “I mades appointments. . .”

“Dids you go to dem, though?”

“I slepts through them,” Toki admitted. “Maybes I nots doing all that great, since we gots back from Mexico. I don'ts really want to go to Twinkletits, because I know whats is gonna happen. He's goings to put me on antidepressants again, and I hates those more than anything in the worlds. They turns me into a zombie. I mights be bad like this, but I nots any good on those, either. You remembers what was like.”

Skwisgaar lifted his head. “Wells. . .we'll get it sorteds out. It amn't somet'ing dat can keeps going. You haven'ts looked happy since Charles puts us back to work, and I'ms worried about you.”

“I'm sorries, I don'ts mean to puts more on your mind.”

“Ams dat why you haven'ts talked to me about dis?” Skwisgaar brushed some hair away from Toki's face. “Somet'ing dis importants, you can'ts just _do_ dat, Toki. Ams you scared I'll tells you somet'ing you don'ts want to hear?”

“I don'ts want you to tells me to go to the doctor.”

“I don'ts know what else to says, though. I t'ink you shoulds.”

“Coulds I think about it?”

“Has to be your decision,” Skwisgaar agreed. When Toki managed to raise his gaze, the man offered a small smile. “Coulds help to know. . .ams we okay?”

Tears accompanied a nod, causing Toki to curse. “I'm sorries. I's either been a wreck or a zombies, emotionally.”

“So longs as I know you amn'ts telling me you don'ts love me and mades a mistake by us gettings toget'er, I gots no fit to throw.”

Kisses to each of Toki's eyelids only contorted the muscles around his mouth further downward. Until he earned this little bit of affection, he hadn't realized just how badly he needed it. “I'm sorries, for everything. I'll tries to be better.”

“Does what you can, for now. Just remembers dat you amn'ts alone.”

That more than anything, Toki needed to hear. He clutched Skwisgaar, fending off how ugly his tumultuous emotions might get for when the man left. “How longs can you stays with me?”

“However longs I can gets away wit' ignoring my phone.”

Toki groaned embarrassingly loud, when their lips touched. “Just. . .throws it on the floor, or something. Breaks it.”

“Huh, wish I coulds.” 


	88. Jaundice

“Here, tries dat.”

“What is it?” Toki leaned up on his side to take the mug.

“I amn't shore, really. Jean-Pierre said it would knocks you out for a good night sleep, no problems.”

“Tastes a little funny.” While Toki recognized chamomile tea and honey, there were a few other ingredients present that he couldn't exactly pinpoint. “But I don'ts care, so long as it work.”

“Ams what matter.” Skwisgaar carefully sat on the bed's edge, trying not to jostle Toki while he sipped the hot drink. “Why didn'ts you tell me you'd been feelings like dis? I thoughts dat you were just crankies.”

“I thoughts everything was just comings back and overwhelmings me again. Down or nots, I don'ts want to deals with any of this. I don'ts want to be sick, I don'ts want to haves been attacked, I don'ts want to plays the Black Rock Desert on Saturday night, I don'ts want to look at Nathan's stupid face, and so ons and so ons.”

“Seems to be partly sitkuationals,” Skwisgaar remarked. “Has beens over a week now and I haven'ts been around enough to notice, but did dis start abouts de time dat you begans taking dose medications for your HIV?”

“Is maybes too close for side effects to have showns up because of it. Unless maybes it makes the situational stuffs that much worse?” Toki sipped his drink again. “I coulds talk to Graveworms, anyway. Is worths changing medications, if thats is all that's making me feel like this.”

“You were doings well before den, though. T'ink about dat week when I was on guitar strikes. Was likes bad t'ing nevers even really happen. I coulds hardly torn around wit'out findings my dick in your ass again.”

Toki snorted. “You's rights, but. . .is hards not to feels powerless all overs again, when Nathan just keep gettings his way. Whats is so much about askings for some respect? Why dids he haves to go overs our heads to push you backs into the studio?”

“I'm stills pissed about dat too. He t'ink he am so clever, like we am stucks here and beholdens to him now, you knows? He act like we couldn'ts pack up our t'ing tomorrow, hands in our resignations, and fucks off somewhere.”

“Ugh, _cans_ we?”

Though Skwisgaar suggested it, he slumped with a shrug. “Nots exactly. De way t'ing am now, we amn'ts goings to find peace if we drops out of the sitskuation. De best t'ing to do am see how dis concort t'ing play out.”

“Ares you suggesting we do something like that?”

“Can'ts deny it ams tempting,” Skwisgaar admitted. “It wouldn'ts be so bad if it wasn'ts for dis stupids contract stuff wit' Crystal Mountain. Woulds be better if Nat'an, Pickle, and I weren't spendings everyday alls day in de studio, and could properlies wind down afterwards.”

“How abouts this?” Toki rubbed the small of his back. “Doesn'ts hurt to dream. Where woulds you want to go, if next weeks we could goes anywhere in the world for a vacations?”

“Hm. . .considerings de time of year, maybe a bits closer to home? Sweden shoulds be thawed out by now.” Skwisgaar chuckled. “And dere might evens be some daylight. Woulds you want to comes wit' me?”

“Possiblies. Not too sure how I woulds feel, if you broughts me home to your mom.” Likewise, how would Toki ever tell his _own_ mother, about his relationship? He'd pointedly avoided it in his last letter, favouring to pretend nothing at all had changed.

“Eh, forgets her. We coulds do somet'ing fun, instead. Maybes go to Göteborg. I could shows you where I used to live.”

“I'ds like that. . .you know, ifs we were evers allowed to do it.” Toki's smile flickered. “Is still fun to dreams, though. I'd likes to see where you were happy.”

“Doesn'ts hort to ask if ams a poskibility. I wouldn'ts get my hopes up, but wit' de concort at our backs, de guys might see dat t'ing am gettings back to normal. Nevers know, Pickle or Nat'an might suggest it forst.”

“I woulds forgive everything Nathan has saids to me, if he lets us gets out of here for a while.” Toki allowed Skwisgaar to set his emptied mug on the floor, replacing it with himself in grasp. “When does you haves to go back?”

“Nat'an saids an hour break woulds be fine.” Having left again immediately following practice, Toki was surprised when Skwisgaar found him and suggested the drink he shortly returned with. On top of this earned reprieve, them finally managing to hash their shit out earlier helped Toki's mood. For the first time in over a week, other than the quietly stewing pit of anxiety in his chest, he finally felt happy. That transcended into a string of soft kisses. “Ams nevers quite long enough, I finds.”

Toki groaned in agreement. “I haves to thanks you. I didn'ts think, afters how much of a puke I was earlier—or all weeks, really—that you woulds be so readies to be arounds me again.”

“I t'ink it am de opposite of what we saids earlier. _Pff_ , gives ourselves de opportunity to miss each ot'er? Fucks, I alreadies miss you, dat was a terribles idea. If anyt'ing, we needs to spend more time toget'er.”

“Makes more sense to me. We needs to learns how to balance us in the bands and us as a couples. Is all there is to its.” Toki kissed his nose. “I needs to talk to the doctor and sees about changings my medication if thats is what makings me feel so bad. Because maybes if I wasn'ts already down, I wouldn'ts be so quick to takes everything you says personallies.”

“Wills you does dat tomorrow? Better sooners dan laters. Ams it more likely to happens if I goes wit' you?”

“Maybes, but. . .I'll manage. I don'ts want you skippings out on more important things just to hauls my ass out of bed.” The warm tea settled in Toki's stomach already turned his body into a pleasant domain. “A good sleep shoulds help. I cans already feel it coming on.”

“Good.” Skwisgaar squeezed his hip. “I'll tries my best not to wakes you up when I comes in later.”

There wasn't a later for that. Knocked out, Toki slept without dreams until an irritating racket pulled him back into consciousness. His hand skimmed the blankets through disorientation, then he lifted his head when a clunk landed his phone on the floor. Pickles' crooked grin appeared when Toki cracked his eyes open; what the hell did _he_ want, at three in the morning?

If this was a drunk call, Toki would be pissed. He took a deep breath upon answering, in attempt to steady his racing heart. “Hellos?”

“Heeey, dood?”

“Whats you want, Pickle? I was sleepings.”

“You should prahbly come down to the hospital.”

“Nots until later, is too earlies for that now.” Toki mulled over what Pickles said, then sat up straighter. “Why you says that? Is everything all right?”

“Doctor says so, yeeuh, but Skwisgare's askin' for ya. He kinda got fucked up earlier, 'n'—”

“Fucked up how?” Blanket tossed aside, Toki held his phone between his ear and shoulder as he reached for pants. “You saids he's all right, though?”

“We were recordin', then he comes out of the booth 'cause he wasn't feelin' too hot 'n' he was all fuckin' yellow, ya know? Good thing Nate's bin through thet so many times wid _his_ liver, I guess. . .”

“His liver? Holds on, Pickle. I's gonna get dressed and runs down there.”

It couldn't be less than a quarter-hour when, wide awake with apprehension, Toki pushed his way into the hospital wing. The other guys milled about, even Murderface after evidently too being hauled out of bed for such excitement, but Toki had eyes only for the man seated up on the examination table. Although prepared to see the jaundice normally affiliated with Nathan whenever his alcoholism caught up to him, Toki's stomach still dropped along with the muscles in his face. “Oh, elskling. . .”

Skwisgaar avoided his gaze until a curled finger under his chin compelled him to meet Toki's. He'd appeared fine, earlier; five hours made quite a difference. “I'ms okay. De doctor said dat since I amn'ts in any pain, ams just a t'ing to deals wit' before anyt'ing else bad happen. Why ams you here?”

“Pickle called me, saids you'd asked—”

“Well, see ya doods!” Pickles, Nathan, and Murderface slid off toward the exit. “Let us know how yer feelin' later, okee Skwisgare?”

Toki stared after them with parted lips. “I can'ts believe those assholes. They calleds me down here just to pass you offs?”

“ _Pff_ , who cares? I woulds rat'er you ams here dan dem anyways. Although I wish dey woulds has thought befores waking you ups.”

“Whatevers.” Toki forcibly dissolved his annoyance. “I woulds rather not sleeps through something like this, anyway. You's really okay?”

“Graveworm didn'ts want to say anyt'ing in front of de other guys, but he mentioneds medications not gettings along. Notes to self, don'ts drink when you haves HIV meds in your systems.”

“Is this parts of the sensitivities test, or dids the alcohol just fucks with it?”

“Ams a hard call to make. He ams pissed at me, either way. Oh. . .” Skwisgaar trailed off when the man reentered the room.

“Oh. Morning, Toki,” Graveworm breezed off a greeting. “So Skwisgaar, I think what we should do is cautiously carry on with the abacavir, since upon review it seems more likely that filtering both that and the alcohol may have just overwhelmed your liver. Alcohol raises the abacavir levels in your blood, so it would amplify any potential reaction. If the jaundice doesn't clear up in the next couple of days, or if you develop any fever, nausea, diarrhea, or rash, you should come back to me immediately. Whatever.”

“Ams I okays to work, still?”

“So long as you're not feeling too bad. Repeat after me, though: no more drinking.”

“Ehh. . .no more drinkings.”

“And if I were you, I'd steer clear of street drugs, too. Neither pot or coke interact with abacavir but they're not exactly going to do you any good, either.”

“Shore.”

After Skwisgaar got checked again for any liver pain, Graveworm let him and Toki go. While Toki pledged to care for the man and keep an eye for any potential symptoms that hinted toward more than just a consequence-heavy drunk, he crossed his arms back in Skwisgaar's room. “Whens were you doing pot and coke?”

Skwisgaar shrugged after plopping down on the edge of his bed. “Me and Pickle beens doing it to keeps up wit' Nat'an. De cokes, anyway. When we all needs to calm down a bit, we smokes up. What ams de big deal?”

“I's too tired to deals with this,” Toki dismissed it with a wave of his hand. His irritation reflected in how rashly he undid his jeans.

Skwisgaar eyed him with dissatisfaction. “Don't starts doing dat t'ing again, where you leave everyt'ing unsaids. Tells me why it bother you. Amn'ts like _you_ nevers did coke or pots before, Odin.”

“Guess I woulds has just likeds to know.”

“I didn'ts t'ink you care enough about t'ing like dat. Besides, what good would has been comings up to you when we weren'ts getting along and just sayings 'oh by de way Toki, I been snortings lines all day, sees you later.' Woulds dat has mades you happy?”

“No,” Toki eventually admitted.

“So den why ams you mad?”

Getting comfortable under the covers and folding his fingers behind his head gave Toki opportunity to think. “You's just being so careless. Graveworms _told_ us, no drinkings when we takings medications. I knows you think so, but you aren'ts invincible, Skwis. Whats if it was worse than you turnings yellow? What ifs you dropped deads with a heart attack? You aren'ts too young for those anymore, either.”

“Ugh, don'ts remind me.” Skwisgaar's shirt landed on the floor before him. “Cans I talk to you about somet'ing?”

“Sure.”

“I t'inks, afters I find out whet'er or not I haves dis sensitivity t'ing, dat I'ms going to holds off for a while on startings de medicines.”

“What?” Toki frowned all over again. “Why? The sooners you starts, the less copies the HIV cans make of itself in you. Why woulds you wait?”

“Because I amn'ts in de right mindset, Toki. I amn'ts ready to deals wit' dis yet, and I amn'ts at de point where de doctor recommend you definitely starts. Dat am when your CD4 count ams down to t'ree-fifty, but I am stills at seven-hundred somet'ing. Coulds be years, before I actually have to do anyt'ing abouts it.”

“Betters to starts now than waits untils you _that_ low. Is only a hundreds and fifty away from AIDS, and I's not comfortable with that.”

“But dis amn'ts your body now, ams it?”

“Don'ts mean I don'ts want the best, fors you. I don'ts understand why you woulds wait that long. The sooners the better, is what Graveworm saids.”

“You amn'ts listening, Toki: I amn'ts ready. I still wants to be ables to get drunk once in a whiles, and I don'ts want to worry about havings to get an emergensky liver transplants. I ams too stressed to gives up my coping mechanisms. Ja, dose am probablies not de best I coulds be doing, but right now, wit' everyt'ing goings on, I need somet'ing to gets me through de day.”

“Whatevers, then.” Toki rolled away onto his side, annoyed all over again. If he knew Skwisgaar would back out on treatment, he might've reconsidered it too. Now, Toki was locked in for life, lest he develop resistance to the medication. “Does whatever you wants.”

“Ams you going to be mads at me for somet'ing I choose for myself?”

“Fors a while, at least.”

Skwisgaar exhaled through his nose, behind Toki. “You ams unbelievable, sometimes.”

“You too.” Though he struggled with it when the other man joined him under the covers, Toki spoke up again. “Loves you anyways.”

“You too.” 


	89. Entreatment

After going to Graveworm at such an ungodly hour, Toki didn't look forward to heading back down in the early afternoon. Regardless, he'd promised Skwisgaar, so there he perched up on the examination table. A smile wouldn't transcend straining, resulting in a grimace instead when Graveworm came in.

“What can I do for you, Toki?”

“I wanteds to talk about a problem I's been having since I starteds those HIV meds. Depressions is low on that list of side effects you gaves me for Combivir, but I'ves been feelings pretty down lately.”

“Down?” Graveworm licked the tip of his pen before dashing some notes. “Have you spoken with Twinkletits about it yet?”

Toki shook his head. “I thinks might just be the medications. Is it possibles to switch, or maybes to stop takings it?”

“We shouldn't do anything rash, especially since you've only been taking it for a total of. . .” Graveworm silently counted the days since that particular notation was made in Toki's file, “barely over a week. Have you had any of the minor side effects? Any headaches, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, trouble sleeping, dizziness, or a stuffy nose?”

“Fatigues and trouble sleepings, but I thinks they's getting better. Is hard to say, since an hours ago was the first times that I wokes up actually feelings rested.”

“You slept well, last night?”

“Skwisgaar broughts me some tea from the kitchens.” Despite his latest worry regarding the other man, Toki smiled at his sweetness. “It helpeds a lot. Well, untils Pickle drugs me out of bed.”

“These minor side-effects tend to go away, as your body adjusts to the new medication. For your sleeping issues, we'll monitor how they go over the next few weeks, and if last night was a rarity, then we can try lowering your dosage. As for the depression, I'm not comfortable altering your prescription until we ascertain it doesn't originate from a psychological issue. You have a history of depression, yes?”

“Lots of the times I feels fine, but when it hits, it hits pretties hard.” Undergoing therapy for years with Twinkletits allowed for trends to become visible; mostly, Toki's rises and dips in mood tended to reflect however much stress he currently dealt with, in his life. “Honestlies, I woulds rather be a littles depressed than not feels anything at all, likes when I was on, um. . .”

“Paxil,” Graveworm stated without blinking an eye. “No, I wouldn't exactly call that particular antidepressant a success, for you. If between Twinkletits and I we deemed it a chemical imbalance rather than situational, would you be open to try other brands?”

“I woulds have to thinks about it. Depends on whethers or not the HIV meds were whats caused it.”

“Naturally, we would tinker with that first. Even if by then your sleep troubles have evened back out and this was the only side-effect you experienced, it's barely worth treating one thing when something else so detrimental to your daily life pops up. I would rather switch your HIV prescription to a different brand and try our luck, rather than stick you on a third pill. The simpler we keep it, the better.”

“I just wish to makes it clear that more pills is my very last choice. I thinks if I was desperates it would seems like a good idea, but for now, I sees lots of other things to try first.” Not that Toki was at all enthusiastic to get back to Twinkletits. Catching the man up on his life would do no favours for Toki's energy levels. Where would he begin? It didn't even matter that the manner in which he killed Francisco and Raina differed than had he let a darker piece of him handle the job. However, the fact that Toki killed anyone at _all_ would definitely earn address. Did he have to admit to it? Had Charles already informed Twinkletits?

“At the end of the day, it's your decision what you put into your body. The best I can do is advise and hope to God you listen.”

Speaking of which. . .a heavy driving force against Toki's energy returned to mind, with that statement. “Cans I ask you something about that?”

“About the refusal of medical care?” Graveworm peered sternly at Toki over his glasses. “We discussed this prior to me prescribing you—”

“I knows, and I's not thinkings about gettings off it,” Toki cut him off. Either Skwisgaar hadn't talked to Graveworm about this yet—not that Toki blamed him, given the man's propensity for attitude—or doctor/patient confidentiality meant their doctor played dumb. “We talkeds a lot about the benefits of treatings HIV rights away, how the medicines work in slowings the virus down, but what _does_ happens, when you waits?”

“Well, as we discussed, it will eventually turn to AIDS. HIV isn't deadly on its own, it's just the toll it takes on your immune system. As your CD4 count drops, you become more susceptible to illness and infection. Once your count hits two-hundred, you're considered an AIDS patient.”

“How longs does that take, for HIV to turns to AIDS?”

“It all depends on the patient. Sometimes, it can take as long as ten to fifteen years, and the patient will be lucky enough to experience no symptoms. It can take as short as three to four years.”

“Whats is the life-expectancy?”

“Nowadays, those living with HIV can expect minimal amount of years shed off, if any at all. Since technology and knowledge about it is constantly increasing, the prospect of diagnosis is only bound to get better. As for AIDS. . .” Graveworm tapped his pen against his clipboard, “It isn't exactly a more advanced form of HIV, as most people tend to believe. Human Immunodeficiency Virus is an infection that affects how the immune system operates and eventually, merely _leads_ to Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome, which is a condition all on its own. With such a low CD4 count—lacking white blood cells, rather—the body becomes incredibly susceptible to things like tuberculosis, pneumonia, or certain kinds of cancer. The body's ability to fight off a cold, even, becomes compromised. Something as simple as that can turn serious, very quickly.”

Toki took it back, that he didn't experience any nausea. All he saw, as Graveworm described such a bleak future, was Skwisgaar rolling over and taking it while Toki himself lived to a ripe age. If Skwisgaar refused treatment the entire way along, Toki might potentially have less time with the man than they'd already spent in each other's acquaintanceship. That terrified him into silence, after quietly thanking Graveworm for his time.

Toki could handle the twist to his own health. He'd come far enough since his diagnosis to assume some position of control; he knew the exact numerical values of his CD4 count and viral load, what each of his medications did to stave off further deterioration, and that the close relationship he poised to make with Graveworm would ensure as fulfilling a future as possible. Skwisgaar was right, that Toki couldn't make the decision for him to accept treatment, however much he loved him or whether or not they dated. On one hand, Toki completely understood. If not for diabetes preparing him to immediately treat illness and Skwisgaar holding his hand throughout the entire process thus far, he might have wanted time too for everything to sink in. If he could deny his future for even just a few weeks, he'd milk those fourteen days for all he could. And yet. . .Skwisgaar talked as if he didn't intend to take any medication until he neared AIDS status. While Toki understood from _his_ perspective why putting it off appealed, didn't Skwisgaar empathize in turn? Did he have any idea, how terrifying the prospect of watching a loved one decline like that was?

Dealing with HIV in 2015 didn't differ at all from the 1980s, if Skwisgaar refused to take advantage of how far medical science brought them through the time between. Maybe he just hadn't thought this through as well as possible; he didn't seem to have discussed it with Graveworm, after all. . .

Skwisgaar's yellow tone faded drastically by the next time Toki crossed paths with him, but Toki still stuck his tongue against the roof of his mouth to fend off nausea come band practice. The three hours he spent with his instrument beforehand was for nil, when his hands shook so badly. Sure enough, half a track in, Skwisgaar's hand rose in the air. Toki braced himself when they stood toe to toe, but softened energy came instead of nitpicking.

“Ams everyt'ing okay?”

Not wishing to discuss it here, Toki nodded jerkily. “Sorries. I gets this under control.”

Before Pickles counted them in to try again, a deep breath and momentary meditation focused Toki on the task at hand. It'll be okay. He and Skwisgaar would be fine. All he needed to do was approach the man with reason, and tell him how much it hurt that he didn't will to keep healthy for someone that loved him, like Toki did in kind. He never for a minute wanted Skwisgaar to suffer, and part of that meant keeping the burden he himself might present as light as possible. Skwisgaar would never need to worry about Toki's health, because he'd take care of it for him. If not for Skwisgaar, Toki probably wouldn't have gone to the doctor as soon as he did about his hanging mood.

Minimal halts equated to the best practice they'd had so far. Not having to listen to endless and repetitive criticism left Toki with a straight spine at the end; more than that, Nathan clapping him on the shoulder in passing filled him with a new breed of hope. Skwisgaar's hand following suit in form of a caress brought a smile forth from Toki's shock, although a quick peck between them reinstated that.

“You dids good tonight,” Skwisgaar complimented him. “What would you t'ink abouts gettings a snack befores I haves to follows dem to de studio?”

“Sure.”

Smitten all over again, Toki dreaded bringing the atmosphere between them down with his anxiety. Still, like Skwisgaar said, leaving things unspoken between them did no favours. That weighed his shoulders in the kitchen, as Skwisgaar leaned against the counter with a bowl of blackberry and strawberry-laden mousse left over from dessert.

“Ams low enough in sugar dat you cans eat it,” Skwisgaar reminded Toki when all he'd managed to do was stir his into a blended mess. “Does you not likes it?”

Appetite fled when Toki felt so anxious. “Skwis. . .”

“Ja?”

Toki struggled to summarize all the feelings and thoughts flitting about his skull and chest, but it seemed so heavy at moment's notice. The muscles in his face contorted before sudden pressure behind his eyes bubbled hot tears up harshly enough to make him gasp and choke. Just as surprised for the outburst—nay, mini-meltdown—Skwisgaar held position against the counter with his spoon halfway to his mouth.

“I don't wants you to die!” Toki finally managed.

“Die? Toki, what ams you talkings about?”

“You're goings to be deads in no time, and whats is I goings to do without you, huh? Haves you even thoughts about that, who and whats you'll leaves behind if you lets yourself waste away?”

“Hey. Hey, stops dat.” Toki slumped completely against Skwisgaar when invited into his arms. “You t'inks you ams gettings rid of me dat easily?”

“Don'ts joke, don'ts fucking joke.” Face buried in the other man's tee shirt, Toki had enough mind to hope that none of the other guys had similar mind to come to the kitchen. With that, he felt embarrassed. “I can't stands the idea of goings on without you one day, and is really upsettings to me that you won't takes anything for being sicks.”

“You haves been listening to de doctor too closely, Toki. He haves you scareds dat I ams going to turns into a skeleton too weaks to move beyond a hospitals bed.”

“Oh gods. . .”

“Toki, listens to me.” Skwisgaar cupped his cheeks, wiping tears away with his thumbs. “You ams being dramatisk. You t'ink I wants to winds up wit' AIDS, or somet'ing close to it? My point yesterday was dat whiles I feel good, what ams de point of takings medications? For havings HIV, I ams healthy. I don'ts want to locks myself into treatments quite yet. Dat ams going to be de rest of my lifes, and I haves a few t'ing I wants to do befores dat.”

“Fucks that, all you wants to do is drink! You just wants to get drunk and gets fucked up with Pickle and smokes a bowl with Nathan—”

“And what ams wrong wit' dat? You realize dat we amn'ts going to be ables to ever drink to excess agains, ja? Looks at me, it torneds me fucking _yellow._ ” Despite his blubbering, Toki choked out a messy laugh. “I admits it, I amn'ts handling gettings old all dat well. I was already dreadings having to slows down, and now I gots no choice. What ams wrong wit' me having some funs forst?”

“I wants you to starts as soon as possible because I wants everyday I can haves, with you.” Toki wrapped his arms tightly about Skwisgaar's waist, burying his face in the man's neck. “Ifs at the ends of it all you's the one to go first, I don'ts want to have to wonders if I didn'ts get cheated by this anymores than I hads to be.”

“No one ams gettings cheateds of anyt'ing, all rights? Stops dis.” Skwisgaar rubbed his back. “Ams not'ing to gets upset abouts. We both gots a lot of year to sticks around for.”

“I can'ts help but be scared. I can'ts lose you, nots now, nots ever.”

“You won'ts, I promise. I mights put it off, but dat don'ts mean I nevers goings to takes it. You shouldn'ts be so scared, Toki. Any signs dat I was gettings worse, I woulds go on it. You t'inks I want to die anymores dan _you_ wants me to?”

Toki shook his head after a moment of thought. “You promise?”

“I wouldn't says dat if I didn'ts mean it.”

“But. . .why woulds you let it fester insides you? Can'ts you feel it?” Toki paused. “Because sometimes I thinks _I_ can.”

“I'ves already hads an STD dat was supposed to be incurables. Ams fine. I bets you anyt'ing dat befores 2020, dey gots a cure.” Some of the wetness left beneath Skwisgaar's ear transferred to his palm as the man wiped Toki's blotchy cheeks again. “So you stops dis. Dere ams not'ing to be upsets about. Ifs I was worrieds, I woulds go on de pills. I knows de dangers and de risks, and rights now, I ams okay.”

“I still don'ts know—”

Skwisgaar cut him off with a soft kiss. Warm lips trumped dark thoughts, fluttering Toki's eyelids shut. They remained as such after they broke apart. “We keeps talking about it. Just gives to me untils after de concert, at least. And ifs you don't recall, I _ams_ on medications, right now. De abacavir am stills on my back.”

“I just wants you to know, I's nowhere _near_ readies to lose you, or evens to haves to thinks about it,” Toki whispered.

“If I didn'ts know before, I does now.” Skwisgaar touched their lips again. “Just relax.”

With all his energy expended, Toki slumped for a whole new reason. Maybe he ought to ask Jean-Pierre to make more of that tea, to take to bed with him. A headache resultant of his upset didn't help either. “I'm sorries. Fucks, I's a mess.”

“Don'ts be, you ams only upset because you cares.” Skwisgaar paused. “What says we gets out of dis kitchen? Takes our mousse and goes back to my room, for some privacies? Nevers know who ams wondering arounds. . .”

“Please,” Toki agreed. “I want somes of that tea again, too.”

“How abouts you go aheads, wit' our snacks? I'll meets you dere, wit' it.” 


	90. Pliancy

Sunlight filtered through Skwisgaar's windows when Toki woke up. It disoriented him slightly, for he'd come to expect lingering darkness as he struggled to obtain something resembling rest. Skwisgaar's back rose and fell steadily in slumber, the odd snore permeating the air. Toki hadn't at all roused when he snuck in, after returning from the studio.

Although he yawned, Toki felt near normal. With an hour to go until his reminder alarm went off for the next pill cocktail, he curled up closer to Skwisgaar. Yet again, too long passed since they'd managed any form of intimacy. That hit Toki hard enough for him to consider waking Skwisgaar up for something. Would they have enough time, before he had to leave again?

A shift resulted from a string of kisses left to Skwisgaar's shoulder. “Ams it alreadies noon?”

“Eleven-thirties, or so.” Although still unhappy about the man's choice to forego HIV treatment, Toki made it a personal mission to change Skwisgaar's mind before his sensitivity test ended. “Noons is when you hads to go?”

“Ams what we ams aiming for, ja.”

“Then we don'ts have much time.”

“For. . .?”

The smallest upward twitch of the eyebrow conveyed intention easily enough to someone so consumed by libido. While nuzzling Skwisgaar's neck, Toki reached under the blankets. “Has beens a while.”

A hand on his cock never failed to soften Skwisgaar. “You feels up to it?”

“Mhm. So come ons.”

Toki felt the entire weight of their lull. Skwisgaar taking up between his legs sent electricity through his inner thighs with mere brush of their skin, and every kiss and touch started fresh fire. Too impatient to go through something leisurely and sweet, Toki squeezed Skwisgaar's shoulder to get his attention. “Woulds you fuck me from behind?”

Skwisgaar chuckled. “You knows me, I ams pretty malleables.”

They'd gone through periods where only one or the other bottomed strictly, and now that a choice presented itself they'd need to be more explicit about the expectations of every fuck. While Toki could relinquish control to his boyfriend here and there, he would never be happy with that as the absolute status quo. He loved fucking Skwisgaar into submission far too much, loved sinking his dick into something as tight and hot as his boyfriend's ass. Pliancy would keep the sexual portion of their relationship exciting, at least.

It took Toki a moment to adjust again to someone else sticking him, inhibiting Skwisgaar's attempt to slick his insides. Once he'd relaxed, the sensation of familiar digits sent a rush of blood between Toki's legs. He needed to breathe deeply, to avoid simply jacking off for some relief. As he'd learned, fingers felt good, but cock? Simply divine.

For that, Toki moaned into the blanket when Skwisgaar filled him. Two months ago, with how little he trusted Skwisgaar to properly handle him, Toki wouldn't have allowed for this—not just Skwisgaar to fuck him, but even to show pleasure for it. Part of withholding himself in fear of being hurt placed importance in pride; if Skwisgaar eventually deemed that Toki's worth only extended as far as shooting off into him, then Toki could at least pretend their eventual parting was a mutual decision. Granted, Toki was now fine with Skwisgaar pushing himself in as far as he could go upon a final grasp and groan, but only because Skwisgaar didn't just leave a piece of himself. Rather, Toki's comfortable grasp on the man's heart made all the difference in the world.

That concept underlined their current experience; a nearly full bladder, while precarious, only added the right kind of pressure. Toki wasn't as practiced at catching the rhythm like Skwisgaar when he bottomed, but it came as naturally as with music, given the chance. The timing of their hips synchronizing forced more noise out of him.

Skwisgaar's grip on his waist tightened, in kind. “Harder?”

“Littles bit.” Toki nodded, groan climbing to a whine when he didn't even have to ask to be touched. Precum and a little bit of lube went pretty damn far, for his skin practically crackled upon contact already. The ends of Skwisgaar's hair tickling his back only worsened an overtaking tremble.

Lips followed along Toki's spine, when his forehead rested in the crook of his elbow. His legs still trembled, but he couldn't quite move yet. “Ja. . .that's exactlies what I needed.”

“Ams a good way to start de day.” A void when Skwisgaar pulled out made Toki feel the full toll of taking it in the ass. While the man washed up in the bathroom and finally emptied his own bladder, Toki resituated under the blanket.

His fingertips slipped in with no resistance upon reach; at times like this he thought about laying in Francisco's bed and doing the same. Rather than blood, his fingers returned with traces of cum. Toki would be lying to say that that whole experience didn't somewhat overshadow the sublimity of consent. Hopefully, later on down the road, distance would separate him even further from the attack.

It helped that Skwisgaar nuzzled his shoulder upon return to the bed. With a fresh smile, Toki attempted to catch some of his boyfriend's afterglow. “Is ridiculous, how longs we went without that. How that keeps happening?”

“T'ing just gets in de way, I guess.” Skwisgaar rubbed his hip. “You seems to be doings better.”

“Does I?”

“Fars as I could tells, dere amn'ts any issue wit' you stayings hard, if you don'ts mind me bringings dat up. Nots before, when you just starteds bottoming, either. Ams it all stills okay when you ams by yourself?”

“Honestlies, I's not sure. Beings down all week killeds my sex drive.” Toki poked his tongue out with a wrinkle of the nose. “I's hoping that wantings it is a good signs that that's goings to change. The whole boners thing is fines so far, with you. Since it isn'ts a necessities to gets hard when I bottom, I don'ts have to worries about it. So I don'ts thinks about it and my body just does whatevers it wants to.”

“Does it makes you feel norvous if I says dat I miss you givings it to me real goods?”

An impish grin caused Toki to snort. “Nah. You likes what you likes, you needs what you needs. Dids you ever gets around to doing that spits-fire thing?”

“Spits-roast,” Skwisgaar corrected him. “No, I didn'ts. Can'ts go out drinkings anymores apparentlies, and dere amn'ts much point going wit' de ot'er guys if dat ams all dey plannings to do.”

“That makes it difficults, for sure.” Toki actually felt a little bad, that their situation held Skwisgaar back from getting what he wanted. “Well, maybes at least in the meantime, I coulds give it a shot to fucks you. Tonights?”

“If you am stills feeling up to it, shore.” Skwisgaar pressed his lips to Toki's collar bone, though faltered when his phone went off over the edge of the bed. “Hm, I probablies hung arounds too long. Ams more dan likely Nat'an.”

Checking confirmed it; laid across the comforter, Skwisgaar left his ass open for a grasp. “You ams looking for me? Ja, I knows what times it am, I haves a clock on my phone toos, you know. I was gettings laid. Let's me get dressed, den. I'll tells him, ja.

“Nat'an saids to say hi,” Skwisgaar relayed upon ending the call. “And I gots to get goings. He and Pickle ams gearings up to start.”

“He's nots been bad, the last couple of days.” With Skwisgaar's absence from the bed, Toki wrapped up in the fur. “That helps me feels better too.”

“I t'ink now dat we beens home nearly as longs as we were gones, he ams evening backs out. Practices am soundings better, we ams doing good in de studio, so dat all help too. T'ings am finallies gettings back to normal, evens if Damien am stills a prick abouts how fast we gots to put out de next two albums.”

“Speakings of which, does you have anything to shows me, for recordings?”

“Ja, but we worries about dat when de concert ams over.” With a fresh pair of jeans on, Skwisgaar leaned over to kiss Toki. “As soons as we don'ts have to worry about dat anymore, we can surge ahead wit' everyt'ing else. Maybes if we're lucky, wills have an albums done by de end of de year. Den ones more wit'in twenty-four months, and den we ams on easy street.”

“When you puts it that way, doesn't sounds too impossible. So longs as Nathan doesn'ts delete it.”

“Ja, cross your fingers on dat, as always.” Skwisgaar tucked his shirt in before plopping down on the bed's edge to pull his boots on. “What ams you goings to do, today?”

Toki stretched as he reviewed his mental plan. “Probably dicks around for the most part. I shoulds go see Twinkletits, makes another appointment, or maybe sits down with him if he haves time.”

“Ams a good plan. You will tells me how it go?”

“Ja, of course.” Toki lifted his head off the pillow for a final kiss. “Goods luck. I loves you.”

“Loves you too.”

Dicking around came first, for Toki's day; he got stuck on Facefriends accepting friend requests, then was cut off by his meal reminder. Not that he needed one, thanks to how his stomach urged him toward the kitchens. Had he gotten up a little earlier, he'd personally go down to the hospital wing and seek out Dr. Twinkletits. Rather, on his way to find food, he called the man's office. As always, Twinkletits cheerfully set a date and time for them to meet. He never mentioned Toki's prior cancellations nor expressed doubt that they wouldn't meet, although Toki was certain it would come up.

“Hey Moidaface.”

The man's frizzy hair stuck up more than usual, at this hour. He grunted in response, seated with crossed arms before the usual breakfast spread. Since he didn't feel like talking yet, Toki helped himself. Only when the klokateer responsible for Toki's medication appeared did Murderface's eyes narrow in curiosity. “What'sch that?”

Knocking the two large pills back in one go, Toki shrugged. “Whatevers they tell me to take.”

“Thosche are big. They look like schomething my grandma or grandpa would take.”

“Cools.”

“No, not cool. Are you schick, or schomething?”

“Don'ts think so.”

“Whatever, if you're going to lie, why don't you juscht tell me it'sch none of my buschinessch?”

“Fines, is nones of your business.”

“You schtill got diabetesch?”

“Isn'ts curable.”

“Right.” Murderface sipped his coffee. “Back when I wasch little, before my grandpa had hisch schtroke, a friend of hisch would come over. He had diabetesch and they chopped hisch foot off. Do you ever worry you're gonna losche _yoursch?_ ”

“We haves the best medical cares in the world, why woulds I lose my foot?”

“Never know what can happen.”

“Ares you more pessimistics today, or is its just me?”

“I've been watching schome pretty good schowsch, lately. It'sch the scheventy-firscht anniverschary of the Normandy invaschion on Friday, scho the Military channel hasch been marathoning schpecialsch about it all day and night.”

“Whats was that, again?” Toki tried to recall most of what Murderface taught him regarding America circa the end of slavery, but that sparked no familiarity.

“How can you not know about thisch? Norway wasch involved, you know. They schent guysch to help out.”

“Whens was this, agains?”

“Scheventy-one yearsch ago, like I juscht schaid. 1944.”

“Huh. I feels like I heard stories about this, maybe.” Not in school, though. “My grandpas used to talks abouts the war.”

“Your grandpa wasch in the war? Doing what?”

“He wasn'ts a soldiers, or anything. He protesteds the Nazis. They hads that prospga—prifs—shits, um. . .is propagandas in Norwegian, is thats the same in English?”

“Yeah.”

“He helpeds make papers that pointeds out all the lies.”

“That'sch pretty schweet. Isch thisch your mom or dad'sch dad?”

“Dad's.”

“Scheriouschly? How'd your dad turn into schuch a tool, then?”

“Grandpa wanteds to live somewheres quiet afters the war ended, so he and my grandmas moved to the communitys where I grew up. Far happeneds to become a priest.”

“That'sch pretty cool. My grandpa flew for the air forsche. Schot schome Nazi planesch down. You wanna come watch the schow with me? They're covering that schit next. I've been looking forward to it schinsche dawn.”

“Is thats how longs you been up?”

“Hey, if thosche kidsch piling off thosche schipsch could get up that early to fight for our freedom, then I can get up that early to schelebrate them.”

Toki smiled. “Is a goods points. Ja, I's up for that.”

“Cool. It schtartsch at one.” Murderface paused. “Scho I guessch you weren't really asch cut off from the world asch you usched to schay. What did your grandpa ever do to fuck up your dad scho bad? He wasch kind of a dick, waschn't he?”

“Puttings it lightly.” The old man that the band met was a mere ghost of Aslaug's former self. Sometimes when Toki walked through Mordhaus and the candlelit chandeliers created a particular shade of orange, his father's voice echoed through his mind as well as against the stone. God this, and God that. . .an entity that, the older Toki grew, the less he felt. As he became a teenager, the crazier it seemed to go on and on about some realm other than the one they all knew. Those ones speaking tongues, amongst the pews? It terrified Toki.

“Muscht be the nische thing about not having a dad. At leascht _mine_ didn't really have the chansche to dischappoint me.”

“Coulds has still cuts you up with his chainsaws.”

“I guessch scho. It never mattersch anyway. If your parentsch don't dischappoint you, then your grandparentsch will inschtead. It'sch life. Everyone'sch dischappointing, if you rely on them too heavily. That'sch why you look out for numero uno.”

“Is kinds of sads you thinks like that. I don'ts know anyone that's been lets down as much as old Toki, and _I_ still thinks is okay to trusts other people once in a whiles.”

Murderface shrugged. “People like you, scho there'sch a differensche.”

“Oh shuts up, people likes you just fine. The difference betweens us is that you bitches all the time while Toki just rolls with the punches.” Toki smiled at the grumbling man while chewing the last piece of his sausage. “You readies to move to the rec rooms? If we sittings in the hot tub, I'll haves to go changes into my shorts.” 


	91. Rock-Talk

“Well! It's certainly been a long time since you and I sat down together.”

Toki smiled guiltily, squirming on Twinkletits' couch. “Has beens a few weeks.”

“Why is that?” As Toki predicted, the question came up. “Why have three weeks passed without us meeting, since you and Skwisgaar got home? You made appointments.”

Although Twinkletits was merely curious regarding the avoidance issue, Toki couldn't help but feel like his mother cornered him when he came in late after curfew. “Thats is something I'm supposed to talks abouts, Dr. Graveworm saids. Did he says anything to you?”

Wrinkles formed at the corners of Twinkletits' eyes, when he smiled. His eyeliner followed into the lines as it ran. “You're having difficults sleeping, and your depression has resurfaced. Correct?”

“I's not havings problems with sex anymore, at least.” Last night needed to remain squashed, by way of memory. Return to a demanding band practice and growing tension between Toki and Skwisgaar slipped when, afterward in Skwisgaar's room, a clutch of hair left him on his knees before Toki. The cries and whimpers Toki forced from the man echoed as much against stone walls as they did now in his mind, the following afternoon. It provided excellent jack-off material when Toki woke up, after which he recollected a wrecked, smitten lover lounging all over him again.

“I don't recall mention that you were.”

“Hm?” Toki snapped out of reverie. “Oh, ja, I was. Is okays now, though. I hopes.”

“Why were you having problems with it?”

“I woulds. . .maybes prefer nots to talks about that, quites yet.” Toki's gaze dropped to his neatly folded fingers. “Has to does with something that happeneds while me and Skwisgaar was away. In facts, most of that, I's not readies to talk about. It isn't so much that is hards to bring up, is just so much that it woulds take forever to gets you caughts up.”

“Does that play into why it's taken so long for you to come here?”

“I guess. Was tirings, and I really don'ts want to goes through it all over again. Nots all of it, anyway. Some parts were goods.”

Twinkletits' eyes crinkled further, accentuated by a click of his pen. That particular habit annoyed Toki to no end when he first came here regularly; now, he barely registered it. “Why don't you tell me about those?”

“I's in love.” Merely stating so brought heat up into Toki's cheeks. He meant to bodily express that this morning before he and Skwisgaar went their respective ways, but tender touches could only go so long now that Nathan's mind slid onto a single track. It gave Toki something to look forward to later at least, when they picked up where they'd left off. “Me and Skwisgaar has been datings for. . .a littles over six weeks now, I thinks it is.”

“How's that going? Are you happy?”

A swell of high regard for Skwisgaar brought mistiness to Toki's eyes. “I's very happy, ja. He has been so goods to me. Maybes we still fights and band stuff gets us on each other's nerves, but for the most parts at the end of the day, we's okay.”

“He treats you all right?”

“Betters than Toki could has ever dreameds him capables of.” Twinkletits knew already about his struggles with sexuality and conflicting feelings regarding Skwisgaar. One of Toki's most constant laments was the man's chilly impermeability. “Maybes it take him a lots to come out of his shell, but I thinks he one of those people that once he's out with you, he's out for lifes. Because of our history, I cans appreciate so much mores how bigs of a deal this is for hims.”

“So long as this is constructive to your life, then it's a good thing. I hope that you don't ignore all the less-than-desirable behaviour he's displayed, just because you two have entered a relationship.”

“I don'ts. If it comes up, we addresses it. If we didn'ts, the most we coulds has ever been was fuck buddies, and evens that is questionables. I likes to says that I haves controls over my feelings and I puts my well beings before them, but I don'ts really. I still haves troubles with that.”

“Care to explain, in this context?”

“Wells, we _were_ just fuckings, at the start. It didn'ts take long for my feelings for him to gets the best of me. Ifs was possible, I wanteds him more than likes that. Now I's happy to says that it _is_ possibles. Workings for it was totalies worth it.” Toki fidgeted with want to touch familiar, pale skin. “I misses him in the day, though. Evens when the depression is reallies bad, he's constantlies on my mind.”

“Do you remember our discussions about codependency?” Twinkletits carried on when Toki nodded, “You should be conscious that that might exacerbate, now. Most relationships have a degree of codependency, but your pre-existing relationship with Skwisgaar puts you in a compromising position.”

“Likes how?”

“Self-esteem is the primary concern. You've worked incredibly hard over the years to raise it. Because of the band and Skwisgaar's control over your playing—not to mention his general temperament—you're pre-disposed to allowing his opinion or bitchiness decide your worth.”

Toki snorted at the term, of which he himself used repetitively through the years to describe Skwisgaar's attitude. “He builds me ups more than he breaks me down. He doesn'ts do it intentionally, and it doesn'ts hit as deeps of a level as it used to. Ifs he mean about the guitar I mights get upset for a bits and be mads when practice is done, but we gets over it pretty fast. He's very clears that it isn'ts _me_ he criticizing, but how I plays. I shoulds has learned by now as an artist that you don'ts take criticism personallies. He's helpings me not to.”

“Is he just as aware, how much power he holds over you?”

“He gets it.” This entire discussion brought up another aspect of his relationship with Skwisgaar that Toki constantly dwelled over. “My biggest problems is how other peoples react to it. I haven'ts had anyone—well, maybes Pickle—that is actually happies for us to be together. It isn't Skwisgaar I's insecure with, but everyone else. The other guys laughs at it and blames us for all the shit we's going through, and. . .well, we hasn'ts come out publicly—hasn'ts even talked about it—but I's a little nervous what goings to comes from _that_.”

“How so?”

“So manies people already thinks that I's worth less than him.” Toki toed the floor. “Me and him try so hards to stay on equal grounds, but things like that remind me that he's ultimatelies more importants than me to the world.”

“Why do you say it 'reminds' you?”

“Because he is. Maybes Dethklok is the train, but he's one of the guys whats is shovellings the coal into its engine.”

Leaned forward on his desk, Twinkletits hummed in thought as he studied Toki. “It sounds to me like this is already affecting your self-esteem. Do you feel as though it's true, that Skwisgaar is more worthy than you, or are you predicting public opinion?”

“A littles of both?” Toki hesitantly admitted. “Was easy outs on the road, when he and I didn'ts have the band to distorts anything, to sees him as just a man. Here, well. . .I does nothings all day when he work so hard, and maybes Dethklok isn't something I shoulds use as a ruler to measure things, but when it's such a bigs part of our lives, how cans I not? I understands that public opinions isn't what make a persons worthy or evens good. I mean, peoples like bad peoples all the time and blows them out of proportion, while good ones gets ignored. I shouldn'ts worry about that, but I kinds of do. I wants people to likes me. I wants them to thinks of me as more than Skwisgaar's boyfriend. I wants to be Toki, still.”

“You're concerned that Skwisgaar will swallow your public image?”

“He always does. It's weird, because I woulds actually prefer nots to have one. Skwisgaar and I talkeds a lot while we were gones about not even botherings to come back. Whens we's alone, everythings is fine. We knews when we gots back here that the bands would put us off-kilter. Was betters, when it was simple, whens it was just him and me, with nothings but the past to deals with in orders to create a life together.” Toki inhaled unsteadily; putting that out there instigated anxiety. While these doubts flitted through his mind here and there, he'd yet to focus on it beyond when depression made it unescapable. It was mildly disconcerting that these feelings lingered in a lull between cloudy skies. “Ums. . .we keeps an open conversation about keepings our relatesingip separate from the band. We loves each other, so we tries not to let it gets in the way.”

“Openness will be crucial, to keep that in check,” Twinkletits agreed. “What do you do, when Skwisgaar isn't around?”

“Depends, really. Whens I was havings really bad depression, I couldn'ts do very much at all. I's beens doing pretty much the sames as evers, otherwise. I trieds to hit the gym everydays, made some new music. I nevers got a full track done yet, but I's working on it. Ums. . .Moidaface and I hungs out yesterday, so thats was fun. He's all intos the second world war again, so we watched a whole bunch of shows abouts it. We's gonna do that again, once I's done here.”

“Good! I would always recommend that you maintain your friendships, so that your social life isn't totally consumed by your relationship.”

“Woulds be easier if Nathan would stops being such a dick,” Toki moodily stated. “He beens better the last few days, but he haves three week to makes up for. As for Pickle. . .I just haven't seens him much. When he nots in the studio, he gettings fucked up with the other guys, and I gots to avoids that. I don'ts want to turn yellow, like Skwisgaar dids. It isn'ts worth it, to me.”

“That's a very mature choice. In a house full of dildos that drink and do drugs every single day, it's admirable that you can stay away from that.”

“Is a double-edged sword. I miss it. That's is another reason why I so mads at Skwisgaar for nots wanting to takes _his_ medications when the time come. We feels like less of a teams when he cans do all thats with them, but I's the only one that's excludeds. Is hard not to feels like he choose them overs me, you know?”

“It's understandable, that you would conclude that.”

“We's the only ones that knows about it. I needs him through this. Who else does I have, that I coulds turn to? I can'ts just. . .goes to one of those support group things, without beings recognized.” Toki sighed. “I guess there's always you. . .”

“You would definitely benefit from being around someone else going through the same thing.”

“That's it, exactlies. He isn'ts shutting me down for its, but rights now especially when it's all new and we don'ts really know what goings to happen, I needs him. At least he won'ts be able to get wasted for a while, since he ins the middle of doing the sensitivity test and he alreadies had a bad reaction. I feels kind of bad though, because I don'ts want him to miss outs on fun. He already hateds having to face that he's going to be thirty-six in less than two months. He's scareds to get old, and now he gets to grows old while being sick.”

“It's a stressful situation. How are _you_ coping, with it? Are you scared at all?”

“Has beens a flurry. Graveworm has beens good. As soons as we founds out I hads it, he beens doing all he cans to make sure I's taken cares of. The things about HIV is that I can'ts really know what happenings in my body untils we looks at the trends. I at least haven'ts had it long so I's not _too_ sick, but is stills a little nerve-wracking. Likes when I first founds out about my diabetes.”

“Does it make you feel better at all, to have already faced this sort of situation with no drastic detriment against your health?”

“I feels better that I's being treateds and all, but is a littles depressing that I haves two incurables diseases. I don'ts want to thinks about how much this is goings to shortens my life.”

“You shouldn't think that way. Weren't you just telling me a few months ago that so long as you were constructive with your time, you wouldn't worry so much about how much you had?”

“Is a littles different now. I haves this new excitings thing happening, and I don'ts want to let it go. I's not ready to be alones again anytime soon. I wants to lives forever with Skwisgaar. Ifs we can'ts have that, then I hopes we die at the exact same time because I don'ts want to goes a second without him and I don'ts want him to hurts even that long to be bys himself.” Toki paused. “Weirds as that sound.”

“Understandable, though. We never want to hurt the ones we love, and after being with them so long, it's hard to imagine them suddenly gone. It's like losing yourself, because you don't know how to identify when your identity requires two parts.”

“Evens if we weren'ts together, he was already so much of my identity. I don'ts know who I am when he isn'ts around. It isn'ts like I needs him to define me, it just. . . _is_. Ever since I first mets him, is how it's been.”

“That's the impression I've gathered.”

“I guess he's likes anything else goings on in my life. I haves to gives it time to really see what's goings to happen.” Toki hated injecting even a pinprick of doubt in himself, but stepping back and looking at himself and Skwisgaar as a whole throughout the last fifteen years wasn't exactly encouraging. “I really wants to see him, right now.”

“You're free to leave whenever, as you know.”

“Cans I?” Toki pointed a thumb at the door. “I can't sees him until practice anyways, but. . .is tirings, to comes back. Was goods rock-talking with you, though.”

Twinkletits smiled one final time, clicking his pen into the position ready for use. “When did you want to meet again, little Toki?” 


	92. Pompous

“We schould call for more schnacks before the next schow schtarts. Or maybe schome real food.”

“Dinner sounds goods.” Toki scrolled through his phone; for the past half-hour, he'd been texting back and forth with Skwisgaar. “From the sounds of it, they slowings down for now.”

“Well, they schaid practische wasch at eight. I'm booked until then, I hope they realizsche.”

“I'll lets them know.” Just as Murderface said that, Skwisgaar had suggested they all meet up early. “Ifs we do it sooner, then maybes we can all pals around.”

“Yeah right, they'll juscht head right back to the schtudio and it'll be usch trying to find the schowsch we missed.”

“Don'ts talk for them, let see what they says.”

_'Im game, let me run it by nathan'_

Ever since coming out of his session with Twinkletits, Toki felt like he experienced withdrawals from Skwisgaar. It wasn't Twinkletits' fault, that this happened. Therapy always made Toki question things he felt certain about, while addressing things he'd rather leave in the dark. There posed another reason why he feared going back to Twinkletits in the first place. However good things were between himself and Skwisgaar, looking at the wider picture, the progress they made didn't matter until it proved consistent and reliable.

Still, Toki needed to consider the present moment. He needed to remember his and Skwisgaar's intentions for each other, and how they got here in the first place. Everyone else—the band and Twinkletits—could only view them through a tiny window. They didn't know the context yet, and very well never would if Toki didn't wish to disclose.

Toki's phone went off, with another text from Skwisgaar. _'U guys hungry?'_

_'We were just toking about getting some food. Mf wont move b/c hes watching a show but if u guys want 2 meet then ill come'_

_'Drag mf he can record it'_

“Well, I's goings to meet the other guys for dinners.” The easiest way to get Murderface to follow along was by ditching him, in Toki's experience. “I sees you laters.”

Sure enough, both he and Murderface wound up in the kitchen. The other three had yet to arrive, but when they did, Toki's heart skipped a beat upon sight of Skwisgaar. Hopefully it wasn't outwardly apparent that he melted onto the very floor. It took every ounce of self-control he had not to jump up and latch himself. “Hey.”

A squeeze of the shoulder and wink was the extent of Skwisgaar's greeting, although he plopped down in the neighbouring chair. In order to keep his hands to himself, Toki leaned forward over the table with folded arms. “How's it goings?”

“Pretties good, I t'ink.” Skwisgaar consulted Nathan with a look, who'd assumed his other side. “I'm satiskfied wit' how far we haves been getting.”

“It's not bad. Once we get this concert over with on Saturday night, we can push that much harder, forward.” Fingers interlocked, Nathan stretched toward the ceiling. “Which one of you suggested a night off?”

“Doods, how long's it been, since we all got to sit in the hot tub?” Pickles asked. “Have we even had the chance, since you guys gaht home?”

“We haven'ts,” Toki answered when everyone else descended into thought. “Yesterdays was the first time I's beens back in there at all.”

“I say we still have practice, but after that? We're. . .” Nathan counted off, gaze to the ceiling, “three nights away from flying out. Next few days, we should probably just concentrate on that. There's still a few kinks to work out of our set.”

“Amn'ts a bad ideas.”

With an evening spent amongst friends to look forward to, Toki didn't mind so much waiting out a full stomach to head for the rehearsal hall; while both Skwisgaar and Nathan both had suggestions on how to improve Toki's playing, a smile remained on his face. Technical issues falling to the wayside allowed fun to trickle in. Even Skwisgaar, who usually couldn't stand it when Toki stood too close to him on stage, threw him a grin through the Skyhunter solo. Going so long without interruption in order for correction gave them stride; listening strictly to Skwisgaar instructed Toki where to fill in the blanks or to underscore. With his fingers on autopilot, Toki watched how the other man flew through his own lines. It never failed to amaze, just how talented Skwisgaar was. Laying across his bed while Skwisgaar practiced was one thing, but with the entire band behind him? It left Toki in a glow of admiration as the last notes faded into feedback.

“Good job, guys.” Nathan wiped sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. “Go get cleaned up, and let's meet in the hot tub.”

Toki left his guitar behind, while Skwisgaar's of course still hung off his shoulder. Catching up quickly, Toki wrapped an arm around his waist and mindlessly continued fretting on the now-silent Thunderhorse. “Showers with me?”

Inside Skwisgaar's room, Toki attached himself. A sigh of relief came from contact, but it wasn't enough quite yet. The guitar came off first, followed by their sweaty shirts. With the press of torsos, Toki groaned into a kiss. “Is stupids, how much I missed you todays.”

“Mores dan usual?”

“I's gonna ignore how pompous that sound,” Toki remarked as he undid Skwisgaar's belt. “Evens if you right.”

“Dids you want to fucks around before we meets dem?”

“Is temptings, but I don'ts want to rush what I haves planned with you.”

“Sounds promising.” Skwisgaar ran his fingertips over Toki's arms, leaning down to kiss him again. “Here ams a suggestion: we trades blow jobs in de shower to tides us over, go hangs out wit' de guys, den comes back for whatevers you hads in mind.”

“I coulds get behind that.”

While physicality was delayed by his hand buried in wet hair and then his own knees growing subsequently sore, Toki's need for something more made him twitchy and spacey as they headed together for the hot tub after donning their swimwear. Therein, while Murderface got his way regarding continuation of the Military channel's marathon, at the very least Toki maintained contact with Skwisgaar beneath the toiling water. Whenever a string of particularly magnificent explosions captivated the other three, he and Skwisgaar shared a quick glance or graze of the hands.

“Hey, how come you two aren't drinking?” Nathan asked.

“ _Pff_ , after what happen last time?”

“Liver issues are a fact of life.”

“Not somes dat I wish to haves again. Maybes _you_ ams okay wit' your liver beings taken out, but I amn'ts. I don'ts want to lose somet'ing dat I'ves been wit' since de day I was borns.” Skwisgaar touched beneath his right nipple. “Does you ever t'ink about dat, where your liver ams? Dids dey just t'row it away, or did someone somehows find another use for its?”

“Hm.” Nathan's eyes darted about. “Guess I never did.”

“Too late, now.” Pickles nudged him. “Might as well keep goin', since it's already gone. How many new ones have you had, anywee? Like ten, or somethin'?”

“Somewhere around there.”

“At least theys can entertain themselves, like that,” Toki stated to Skwisgaar later, as wrinkled skin and heat fatigue forced them all to disband. “I's not writings it off yet that they aren'ts going to keeps trying to makes us drink.”

“I expecks it again. I expecks it every time we ams in de same room as dem.”

Toki hummed in agreement, distracted. Skwisgaar walking in front of him held constant focus on his ass, even with a towel obscuring what his swimsuit never could. With a glance behind them to make sure no one else followed, Toki snuck a handful. “This is whats I been lookings forward to, all day.”

“Gettings grabby?”

“Psh, likes you complaining.”

Even the dorkiest version of Skwisgaar's laugh enamoured Toki; retreated into privacy, Toki marvelled at how perfectly a slight waist fit in his arms, and how Skwisgaar's shoulder situated at the perfect height to rest his cheek against. Despite having sat in chlorine, the smell of clean skin existed at the nape of his neck. A fresh grin overtook Toki when the fingers skimming over his forearms and hands commenced a fretting motion on his knuckles.

“I beens waiting for opportunity to does _this_ , in all seriousness.” Toki kissed the small mole hiding underneath Skwisgaar's hair. “Lets me be sweet to you.”

The energy shifted between them, as answer. Skwisgaar grew warmer beneath Toki's fingertips, his skin softening as the final patches of water dried up. Toki wanted Skwisgaar naked again as soon as possible, unable to handle even the minimal black garment he'd worn to the hot tub.

“Fors de record, I missed you too, todays.” Skwisgaar turned around. “I kepts doing weird t'ing today.”

“'Weird'?”

“Whenever Pickle was in de booth, I was maybes looking through your pictures on Facefriends.”

“I don'ts follow why that weird.” Toki himself went through them frequently, to peruse the shots he'd snapped of Skwisgaar. Not many marked the weeks since they returned, but Toki loved them all anyway. One in particular, his go-to, featured Skwisgaar with his upper lip raised to a snarl and hand reached out for the phone. His thumb's proximity meant it manifested as a blurred blob near the bottom; after wrestling the device back from Skwisgaar, Toki had posted it out of spite more than anything. Whatever reason behind its presence on the internet, he only smiled at it now. “I looks at pictures of you alls the time. I buries my face in your pillow, or I wears your shirt for a whiles.”

“Well. . .I guess if you don't t'ink I ams being creepy, den I admiks it. I spents way too much time doings dat, today. Nat'an gots mad at me because I was smilings.”

“What's the bigs deal abouts that? Are you guys nots allowed to looks happy when you makings metal?” Toki snorted. “But no, it isn'ts creepy. I likes to know that I's not the only one that do stuffs like that when you aren'ts around.”

“Speakings of wearing each other's shirts. . .” A sly smile tugged a corner of Skwisgaar's mouth upward. “I haves been fightings de urge to do dat.”

“Don'ts.” Toki leaned up for a kiss. “You cans wear my clothes whenever you likes. I thinks is really sweet you woulds want to.”

“Okays, den.”

For now, Toki didn't want Skwisgaar in clothes at all. His anxiety regarding earlier's therapy session abated, but it left the resultant neediness in just as raw form. With confirmation that Skwisgaar's mind wandered to him just as frequently as in kind, Toki couldn't keep his lips off the other man. He slipped his hand inside Skwisgaar's swimsuit while attached to his neck and, with his mouth gravitated to a nipple, easily stroked some interest out of the man.

Having to temporarily cease as he sat Skwisgaar down on the edge of his bed brought heat to Toki's cheeks from the manner in which he was regarded. “Whats?”

“Not'ing. Ams good.”

Well yeah, Toki could tell _that_. He'd long learned that all the blue disappearing from Skwisgaar's pupils to complement flushed cheeks and heavy lids was a _very_ good sign. Slipping black material over long legs to join the fallen towel on the floor sated one vestige of primality thrumming beneath Toki's skin; leaning down to resume his worship by seeking out further warmth with his mouth called for another contented sigh.

This more than anything asserted for Toki that he and Skwisgaar possessed something special. Who stuck it to who was irrelevant in the grand scheme of their relationship, especially when compared to who Skwisgaar let himself become beneath Toki's weight. Practiced hands roamed freely instead, inspiring the man's body to squirm with similar keenness. Although Skwisgaar spoke about potentially having sex with other men, this rare window opened for no one else. Even grasp on Toki's cock as his shorts were pushed down differed; Skwisgaar wanted him for so much _more_ than that. Their lips breaking apart in favour for a glance tossed Toki's stomach threefold.

Unable to react any other way, he chuckled. “Woulds it offend you if I saids you were pretty?”

“Hm, maybes a little.”

“Actuallies?”

Skwisgaar smiled.

“Wells, you's pretty, handsome, whatevers else there is to say someones is attractive. And I don'ts mean that just because you's good-looking. I thoughts you were fun to looks at before but wowie, I nevers expected someones like _this_ to be lookings back at me the way you does.”

“I loves you.” Skwisgaar brought Toki closer again. “How else _woulds_ I look at you?”

“Hopefullies never any other way.”

Toki found it endearing, how Skwisgaar wrapped his arms around him during these occasions, but he underestimated how powerful the man hooking his heels would be. Skwisgaar's thighs tensed against Toki's waist in time with his thrusts, aiding to set the pace. With his mouth to Skwisgaar's jugular, he could feel how quickening breath coincided with heartbeat.

“You neededs this, didn't you?” Fingernails already catching in Toki's scars encouraged the notion.

“I'lls ignore how pompous dat sound.”

Toki chuckled again before coming up to Skwisgaar's mouth, turning his head to kiss him as deeply as possible. A deep groan came from Toki catching the man's tongue for a brief suck before swollen lips caught similar attention. Jerkier collisions of their hips forced Skwisgaar's head back. “Ja, if you wants dis to last longer, you'd better stops dat.”

Necessary adjustment offered ample time for Toki to make up for everything he'd been unable to say this way for too, too long. When he couldn't stand it anymore, he pulled Skwisgaar's legs further up and did what was necessary for Skwisgaar's lips to stiffen and for familiar sting on his back to return. Every bit of noise went swallowed, and Toki could swear he felt his brow knit up along with blissful tension in his pelvic floor. A snap of electricity rolling through Skwisgaar touched Toki similarly, straightening his spine as his face went buried against a sweaty neck.

Ragged breathing followed stillness, and then came fingers running through Toki's hair. Lips found his temple. “Goddamns.”

“Thats about sum it up.”

“I haves dis idea, dat maybe we shoulds go to beds early. Den we can sees each other in de morning, before de other guys gets up.”

“You's just pooped out from this.”

“So whats if I am?”

Toki chuckled softly. “Tells me I dids a good job and I leaves you alone.”

“Ja, you fuckeds me pretty good.”

“Thanks you.” 


	93. Delegation

“How haves you been sleepings?”

“Dids you hear me ups in the night?”

Skwisgaar sat fully-dressed spare his boots in the corner chair. Early-June did nothing but favours for the room's atmosphere, thanks to some birds perched right outside the cracked window and sunlight pouring in. The only way Skwisgaar could've appeared more golden when Toki's eyes opened was if he'd returned to his natural hair colour in the meantime. Much as Toki didn't mind how Skwisgaar looked, he missed blond.

With a nod to precede, Skwisgaar sipped his coffee. “Well, I didn'ts hear you, but I wokes up a couple time and you were gones.”

“Sorries.” The difficult night meant Toki slept late again. He attributed his restlessness to need to see Skwisgaar, but even when his nose in the man's hair filled him with familiar, comforting scent, Toki couldn't drift off for more than a couple hours at a time. Eventually, he took a walk around Mordhaus and wound up sitting with Murderface again in the rec room. When tired he retreated back to Skwisgaar, only to be up again at dawn for a jog. At least that ensured him a rest until noon.

“Ams okay. I don'ts care dat you wakes me up or anyt'ing, ams just dat we needs to figure out how to gets your sleep patterns back to normal.”

“That tea was helpings. . .” Toki yawned, turning his face more into Skwisgaar's pillow. “But I's hoping that gettings back on with Twinkletits will means that I can figures out what causing it. I'm stills pretty sure it comings from the medication.”

“Has been goods de last few nights though, as wells as you feelings down, ja?”

“I hads a couple good days,” Toki confirmed. However, while sadness didn't weigh his limbs down toward the ground, he still struggled with motivation. Watching television with Murderface was easy, since it didn't require him to do anything. Now that he plateaued on learning his guitar parts for the concert, the slackening amount of demand lightened his load. His day had barely started and already he could feel a lack of interest regarding anything to do with it. He just wanted to stay in bed.

“I nevers got de chance to ask, but how dids it go yesterday, wit' Twinkletits?”

“Ehh, you knows. Was therapy.” Ultimately, Toki decided not to discuss with Skwisgaar what had come up during his session. He didn't want to damage their relationship for the sake of perspective. What if it inspired Skwisgaar to regress? So much progress between them in such a short span of time truly held no grasp as of yet. It was better for both of them that they allow their relationship to naturally grow; for that, Toki wished it was never pointed out to him just how fragile this situation may be. “I hads a lot to catch him up ons.”

“Rights. It wents okay, though?”

“Wills be good to gets back into the routine.”

Skwisgaar smiled, while adjusting how he sat to fetch his phone from his pocket. Somewhere on the floor, Toki's went off as well. As soon as he read the text, Skwisgaar's brow furrowed. “Ugh, we gots a band meeting.”

“Seriouslies?” Toki groaned. “Who sents the text?”

“Charles. He wants everyones to meet in the kitchen. Ams pointless dis time of day. Does he t'ink dat Nat'an and Pickle will be awakes?”

Of course, they weren't. Murderface beat Toki and Skwisgaar there, less than impressed with the suited man standing over his attempt to eat breakfast. Charles greeted Toki with a nod as they filtered in. “Thanks for coming. This isn't anything formal, so we can talk without Nathan and Pickles. I'll just catch up with them later.”

“Den why dids we haves to come _right now?_ ”

“Because I had time to spare. I promise it's worth your while. I wanted to get back to you on the suggestion you made earlier this week, Skwisgaar.”

With that, Skwisgaar perked. Toki furrowed his brow in confusion, for he could remember no mention of any such thing. “Whats is this?”

“You boys have been hard at work for the last month, and you deserve some time off. I think after Saturday's concert I'm going to take a leaf out of Abigail's book and send you all on a week-long mandatory vacation.”

“Schweet!” Murderface grinned. “Where are we going?”

“Wherever you want. Just let me know before Saturday morning so that I can organize it for you.” Charles took a step toward the exit. “Good day.”

“Ooh!” This was exactly what Toki needed, to make the day worth facing. Prospect of getting out of here again made him giddy with excitement. “This means we cans go to Sweden! How comes you never saids you wents and talked to him abouts this?”

“I didn'ts t'ink anyt'ing would comes of it. He wasn'ts all too thrilled.”

“Thisch isch pretty cool. When'sch the lascht time we got a vacation, huh? Well, exschept for you guysch going off. . .scho Schweden, huh? I schay we put it to a vote, becausche the other guysch might rather we go schomewhere elsche.”

“ _Pff_ , who say you ams coming wit' us? Onlies me and Toki ams going to Swedens.”

“What?”

“Charles said not'ing abouts us all goings toget'er.” Skwisgaar buttered some toast. “Me and Toki were alreadies talking about doing somet'ing like dat, ifs we got de chance. Don'ts take dis porsonallies, but we needs to gets away from you dildos for a whiles.”

“How the fuck elsche am I schupposched to take that?” Murderface snapped back. “Yeah, you wait until Nathan catchesch wind of thisch. You're either coming with usch or we're all going with _you_.”

“Dat ams a very mature way to approach dis, Moidaface. I'll tells you dis now: me and Toki amn't censoring ourselves on vacations likes we have to, here. If you comes wit' us you ams goings to haves to looks at us holdings hands and kissings all de time.”

“Scho? It'sch the point!”

“De point beings dat you _wants_ to see dat? Huh, whats a weirdo, hey Toki?”

“Fuck that!” Murderface tightly crossed his arms. “No one wantsch to schee you two schlobbering all over each other.”

“Den why ams you forcing yourself to comes to Sweden?”

“Becausche when'sch the lascht time the band took a scheparate vacation?”

“We aren'ts all a married couple,” Toki butt in. “We don'ts have to do _everythings_ together. Skwisgaar and I wants to do something by ourselves. Why don'ts _you_ do somethings for yourself? Goes to Normandy! Evens if is past the anniversaries for D-Day, there mights be something excitings to do.”

“If you guysch don't take me, then I _am_ going to have to do schomething by myschelf!” Murderface loudly lamented. “Becausche guarantee Nathan and Picklesch won't take me with them!”

“Take you where?” Nathan entered, rubbing his eyes. Stalled by the door, he surveyed the room. “Where the hell's Charles? Did I sleep through the meeting?”

“It waschn't much of a meeting! He'sch forsching usch all to go on vacation, and—!”

“Wait, what? Why, when we have so much shit to do?” Nathan brought out his phone, tapped out half a text, then wound up calling instead. “What's this, that Murderface is talking about? What do you—you're locking us out of Mordhaus? You shouldn't say 'literally' when—oh.

“So what's the deal, then?” Nathan asked when he ended the conversation. Before Toki could open his mouth, Murderface continued his upset.

“I won't have anywhere to go becausche Toki and Schkwischgaar won't take me and you and Picklesch won't want to take me either!”

“What's the difference? We're all going together, aren't we?” Nathan dropped down opposite Murderface, at the table. “Next on our list of places to go together was Manilla. We can figure it out for sure when Pickles gets up, but we're all still on board for that?”

Hardly able to suppress his grin, Murderface looked at Toki and Skwisgaar. “I'll let you two field that anschwer.”

“We. . .alreadies has plans,” Toki admitted. “Me and Skwisgaar wants to do our own thing.”

“If you don't want to go to Manilla, we can go somewhere else. Save that one for later.”

“That isn'ts the point. We wants to do something by ourselves. And thanks Moidaface, for throwings us under the bus.”

“Ow!” Murderface clutched his upper arm when Toki punched it. “Fuck off! Nathan, tell him to schtop!”

Nathan's fresh frown terrified Toki more than being told off. After peace befell them the past few days, the last thing Toki wanted was something else to antagonize them against each other. “What kind of plans did you make?”

“We's going to Swedens.” In case any of them cared to try and follow, Toki remained non-specific. Hopefully, Nathan and Murderface would just assume to Serveta's house in Kovland.

“Hm. Well, Sweden's not the _worst_ place we could go. It's pretty dark and brutal, right Skwisgaar?”

“We ams goings alone,” Skwisgaar responded, head still down while he nibbled his breakfast. “You don'ts get it. We don'ts want anys of you guys to come. We ams doing somet'ing by ourselves.”

“What's the problem?”

“T'inks about it dis way, ifs you wanted to goes on a vacations wit' Abigail, woulds you want alls of _us_ to tags along? You knows, bugs you about not comings out wit' us when you two ams wanting to goes to dinner toget'er, or bangings on your hotel doors when you ams trying to fucks, makings prank-calls in de middles of de night. . .”

Another grumble from Nathan retained Toki's nerves, but he took it as a good sign that he and Skwisgaar weren't being demeaned. Put that way, maybe the man could empathize. “You guys already went off alone, and not even a month ago, at that.”

“Being lockeds up by a bunch of criminals isn'ts exactly a vacation.”

“Okay, so then why should I let you two go off alone when that kind of shit tends to happen? I'm not going to spend my entire vacation worrying about you two.”

“We ams taking klokateer dis time. We wills be fine, and dat ams de end of de discussion.”

“No, it isn't. I'm not comfortable with this at all. Every time all of us separate, nothing good ever happens. We're better off just to stick together.”

“Why don'ts you call Abigail and sees if she cans get offs work for a while?” Toki suggested, smiling past Nathan when Pickles strolled into the kitchen. “Then you two coulds go do something?”

“Doods, whet're you talkin' about?” Pickles slid into a crooked grin as it was explained to him. “How come you all look so fuckin' gloomy, then? This is awesome!”

“Because we're apparently not all going together.” Nathan glanced at Toki and Skwisgaar. “But I might see what Abigail can do too, so that leaves you and Murderface to do whatever, I guess.”

“Whet!” Pickles' face fell. “No! _Fuck_ no, I ain't goin' nowhere alone with thet guy!”

“What the hell isch scho bad about me?” Murderface hollered, to which no answer came. His chair scuffling against the floor preceded a hasty retreat with twin middle fingers in the air. “Fuck _all_ of you, I didn't wanna go on vacation with you anywaysch! I'll go ahead and do my own thing, scho all you asscholes can try and have fun without me!”

The slamming kitchen door hardly went noticed as Pickles turned back to the rest of them. “Okee, but if you two are goin' alone 'n' _yer_ goin' wid Abigail, then whet the hell'm _I_ supposed to do? I don't wanna drink alone all week, thet shit's pathetic.”

“Well, come to think of it, I doubt Abigail will be able to get any time off work. Every time we talk, she's got about a million things on the go. I can already hear her laughing at the idea.”

“So we're gonna go somewhere together, then? A little post-concert friender bender?”

“I guess so, since _these_ two don't want us anywhere near Sweden.”

“We don'ts care if you comes to the same country, just stays away from us.”

“Dood, Toki, why so hostile?”

“Apparentlies we haves to spells it out that we wants time to ourselves. We don'ts get to see each others very much in the day, and the last times we went somewhere kinds of got ruined, so we deserve somethings nice.”

“You don't gotta explain yerself to me, I don't give two shits whet you two decide to do fer your vacation. Jest be safe, stay wid the klokateers, and don't get lost.”

“And don't talk to any weirdos, you have no idea what they want with you. Fans, either. Fuck those guys, I don't trust _anyone_ after that little girl puked on my boots.”

“We knows all this, from the last time shit hits the fan.”

“Jest wanna make sure. Hey you, bring us a map!” Pickles pointed at a passing klokateer. “Hey, might as well get this shit planned. Any ideas, Nate?”

“Anywhere but Manilla, I'm going to be stubborn about that being a place for _all_ of us to go. . .”

Awash with relief, Toki's appetite slowly returned as Nathan and Pickles debated over an open map. He didn't want to wait until he and Skwisgaar were alone in order to speak, so lowered his voice and slipped back into his first language in hopes that Skwisgaar would understand. “I thought for sure we were going to get into trouble.”

Skwisgaar blinked, then a slow smile overtook before he replied in careful Swedish, “Me too. You vill to try this härgain? Kom ihågppened som hände förra time?”

Having already hit the minimal language barrier between their languages, Toki giggled. “Whats is that, in English?”

“I saids, dids you want to tries dat again? Remembers what happened last time?” Skwisgaar caved to laughter, as well. “I guess dat ams a good sums-up of why it don'ts work.”

“We coulds make it work, though. Now we haves a common language so we don'ts have to get so frustkrated alls the times with each other.”

“Ams true, but. . .”

“Whats, are you scared that you'll butcher Norwegians as bad as you butchers English?”

“ _Pff!_ ” Skwisgaar sat up straighter. “Likes you ams any better!”

“Of course I's better at Norwegian, is my first language.” Toki cast a side-long smirk at Skwisgaar while tossing a grape in his mouth; the other man never _could_ resist a challenge.

“Dat amn'ts— _pff_ , it amn'ts even wort' it, to fights wit' you.”

“Because you knows I's right.”

“ _Pff_.”

“Seriouslies though, wouldn'ts you likes to haves our own language? It isn'ts like I's gonna force you to learns Norwegian completelies. Won'ts take long to picks up some Swedish, if we's able to tells each other the right word in English.”

“What's this?” Nathan's head came up on the other side of the table. “Oh, no no no, you two aren't going to start speaking that shit again. Especially now. I want to know everything you two are saying, when you're around us.”

“Why? Ares you scared we goings to say something gross? Or abouts you? How woulds you even know?”

That did it; another chuckle came beside Toki, followed by a poke in the ribs. Skwisgaar spoke again in Swedish, simply enough for it to translate directly. “Okay, I will.”

“Guys—Pickles, help me out here.”

“Dood, it's yer own fault, now. Ya know as soon as ya tell'm naht to do somethin', they're gonna fuckin' do it.”

Nathan let out a long sigh. “Whatever. I guess if you're gonna say gross shit, I'd rather not hear it anyway.”

“Ifs you hear knulle or knulla, you knows whats is up.”

“Toki, it defeats the purpose of me not knowing if you start teaching me the language.”

Toki turned back to Skwisgaar, carrying on in Norwegian. “See? This'll be fun.”

“Huh?”

“This wills be fun,” he repeated in English.

“Ohh, this kommer att bli kul, ja.” Then, with a wink, “wanna fuck?”

“ _Stop_ ,” Nathan said without even looking in their direction.

“Dood, yer only encouraging them. Just shuddup.” 


	94. Black Rock

Of course Toki was packed to go by that night, as well as had already swung by Charles' office in order to book a hotel and use of a private jet. Come Saturday afternoon, just as he expected, he lounged on Skwisgaar's bed as the man haphazardly tossed what he considered to be a week's worth of clothes into a suitcase.

“You betters hurry.” Toki consulted his phone again for the time. “We haves twenty minutes.”

“I'ms almost done.” One hand on his hip, Skwisgaar studied his top drawer with a finger thoughtfully against his lip. “Ifs I brought some toys, woulds you wants to plays wit' dem?”

“Whats kind?”

“Dildos, t'ing like dat.”

Toki chuckled, for his mind had steered clear of the gutter. “I don'ts know, we entertains each other wells enough, don'ts we?”

“Ams true, and it amn't like we couldn'ts buy somet'ing while we over dere, if we get some ideas.”

“I nevers knew you hads toys, though. Well, I shoulds has guessed,” Toki said as Skwisgaar closed the drawer. “Whats you have?”

“Takes a look, if you like.”

While Skwisgaar sat cross-legged on the floor and better folded his clothes to fit, Toki snuck a glance. As anticipated, a few butt plugs situated beneath the man's underwear, as well as— “Hey!”

With something green in hand, he turned back to Skwisgaar. “This is mines! I wondered what happeneds to it!”

“Dat amn'ts yours.” A guilty smile came over the other man, despite the denial. “Well, you weren'ts using it anyway.”

“I coulds has beens, though. And I trieds, once.”

“Ja, you trieds. But I didn'ts know dat.”

“So you snucks into my room and stoles my dildo, to use on yourself.”

“I dids.”

“Well, I hopes you hads fun.”

“I dids.”

“Is yours, now.” Toki dropped it back into the drawer. “I haves half a mind to sticks you with this at the sames time as my dick.”

“Whats you mean, boths in my ass?”

“I've seens it done.” Parted lips and darkened cheeks on Skwisgaar's part made Toki laugh. “Ares you serious? In all your experience, is goings to be _that_ that makes you blush?”

“I amn'ts unsbarrassed. Dat ams actuallies really hot to t'ink about.”

On second thought then, Toki dug it out and tossed it onto the pile of Skwisgaar's clothes. “Never knows, there mights come a night when you wants it, in Göteborg.”

“You means it?”

“Is your ass, your decision. Nots gonna lie, I've thoughts about doings it to you.”

“No way. Spills.”

“Whats is there to say?” Toki resumed position on Skwisgaar's bed, then propped up on an elbow with an unsuppressed smile. “Woulds be hots to see how much you can takes, maybe struggles a bit. . .”

“ _Pff_.”

“But you agrees, don'ts you?”

“Ja.”

Toki sighed. “Is too bads we only haves fifteen minutes now, untils we gots to leave. . .”

They made use of them though, emerging from Skwisgaar's room upon the call to the helipad with slack muscles and equally telling grins. As they headed for the roof, Skwisgaar hooked his fingers on Toki's. “Ams it just me, or ams it a littles weirds to goes back dere?”

“To Nevada?” So far, Toki avoided thinking about it. He concentrated instead on the here and now, of mastering the parts Skwisgaar set out for him to play at the concert, and dealing with his health. “So longs as is far away from Las Vegas, I don'ts give a shit. I woulds be totallies fine with never goings back to that stupid city, evens if they rebuilts it just the way it used to be.”

“I didn'ts t'ink it was dat bads.”

“Ares you kiddings?” Toki scoffed. “How coulds you not think it was bad? Was terrifyings. We didn'ts know what was going to happen, we were totallies wrapped around Raina's finger, and looks what we wounds up going through because of all thats.”

“Ams easy to t'ink dat when you takes it all into considerations, ja, but t'inks about it objectively. Porsonallies, I nevers had a problem wit' Raina. I actuallies quite liked her.”

“So you likes that she hads us totally fooleds, and that she drugs us all the way to Mexico?”

“Maybes I don'ts agree wit' some of de t'ing she dids, but dat don'ts mean I hateds her.”

“Some of the things she did really fuckeds me up, if you don'ts recall.” Toki's mood slid instantly from sixty to its negative counterpart. He let Skwisgaar's fingers slip from their precarious grasp. “You's unbelievables.”

“What, I'ms not entitleds to my own opinion? You wents through somet'ing completely differents wit' her. She was not'ings but kinds to me.”

“Goods for you.” Toki quickened his step. “I's really happy she showeds you a good time. So longs as _you_ didn'ts go through what I did, then she must has beens okay.”

“Ams I supposed to hates her on principle?”

“Ja!” Toki spun around, bringing them to a halt. “You ares, actuallies! When your boyfriend is lockeds up in a dark basement, then rapeds in a plane before being solds to a drug dealer, it shoulds be pretty damn obvious what sides you pick!”

Skwisgaar had the gall to appear sheepish when shrugging. “I'm sorries.”

“Are you serious, rights now? Are you seriouslies doing this, rights before we're supposed to goes on vacation togethers?” This was _not_ how Toki wanted to start it, when he'd looked forward so greatly to a second escape with Skwisgaar. “Well, you's gonna haves a lot of time to thinks about this, because I's not talkings to you untils at least untils after the concert.”

“Toki—”

“ _Don'ts_.” Toki marched on, deeply wounded and fending off tears. That more than anything pissed him off. He didn't want to meet the other guys like this, and what choice did he have now? Preferring to scowl, he crossed his arms on one of the couches inside and ignored their comments.

“You muscht've schcrewed up real good,” Murderface commented when Skwisgaar collapsed onto the couch beside him.

“Fucks off.”

“Oh come on doods, don't fight—”

“Pickle, just keeps your nose out of it, please,” Toki quietly requested.

Mirroring both of them, Pickles crossed his arms. “Well, I don' wanna sit on the Dethkopter wid you guys the whole way across the country if yer gonna be pullin' a shitty mood. It's bad fer gettin' pumped up to play.”

“Just shuts up, wills you?”

Silence indeed followed, until Nathan broke it. “Well, this is fucking lame. Drinks, anyone?”

Naturally, Toki and Skwisgaar were left the only ones not partaking. Although Toki would be pissed if Skwisgaar did, he was pissed as well that he _didn't_ , due to the resultant awkwardness. Toki departed the general area when he couldn't stand it anymore; how could Skwisgaar say those things, let alone _believe_ them? Raina was gone, so no way should she still hold this sway over them. They'd only known her for less than three weeks, and yet, she still influenced so much of their lives.

Forehead to the window through which he viewed the Appalachian range, the anger Toki stewed in slowly transformed to hurt. The man he loved endorsing the woman that allowed his rape was like going through it all over again. How dare Skwisgaar share a bed with Toki, either in innocence or carnality? How could he truly empathize with Toki's struggles, given this? Did he lie? Was there something disconnected in his brain? As a fellow victim, goddamn it, Toki shouldn't have to even _question_ Skwisgaar's support. Toki himself would _never_ side with one of the men that lured Skwisgaar into the shadows of his Vällingby home.

“Dood, hey—oh, no. Tokee, hey, don' cry.” While Pickles perched beside him, Toki hastily wiped his face. Great; now he felt disgusting, worthless, _and_ embarrassed. “Hey, it's okee. Jest ferget about thet dumbass.”

“I wish its was that easy, Pickle,” Toki mumbled. “Shits, why you haves to comes over here? I's just being stupids.”

“Go ahead 'n' leddit out, I ain't gonna tell no one.”

When Toki was younger, this was a lot more acceptable. Now, at thirty-one years old and with at least six inches of height and thirty or forty pounds of weight on Pickles, Toki had no excuse to clutch the man's shirt while he cried about whatever stupid thing last set him off. He tried his best to remain stoic about it, but even with a painful lump in his throat taking place of tears, his reflection still showed someone downright miserable if Toki hazarded to look. “I'm sorries. No one needs to sees a big dumb baby when we's on our way to plays a show.”

“Dood, we all bin there.” Pickles sipped his beer. “Ya gonna say whet happened?”

How _could_ Toki? Without Skwisgaar, he was completely and utterly alone in his plight. Before Pickles could understand, Toki would have to give him the context. Frankly, he was _not_ ready for that yet. “You evers have that thing, like. . .you thinks you know someone, you's comfortable with them, and then they says one little thing that wrecks it all? I don'ts understand him at all, rights now. He's completely confused me.”

“I can't say I been there,” Pickles admitted with a shrug. “But hey, have a beer wid me 'n' we kin jest pal around.”

“I can'ts drink.”

“How come?”

“I's on medications, and I can't mix.”

“Oh, rilly? Whet for?”

The wall erected between him and Pickles thanks to everything unsaid was nearly enough to make Toki laugh. Rather than dismiss Pickles, like he'd done with Murderface, Toki settled with a good-enough lie. “Anti-anxiety stuffs.”

“You bin havin' those attacks again?”

“Gettings caught up in somethings like me and Skwisgaar dids brought a lot back.” At least that much was true. “I'm sorries, but I don'ts want to talks about it. I wish I _coulds_ drink.”

“Eh. . .I guess wid thet kinda thing to ferget about, it's maybe a good idea thet you can't.”

Toki barely cared if he turned yellow like Skwisgaar, or if he developed immunity toward the Combivir and Kaletra. What good was treating his illness if he couldn't even stand existing within the body that hosted it? At least Pickles staying with him as mountains transformed to the prairies helped. Then again, he wouldn't mind the opportunity to vent out all his frustration before they hit the Black Rock Desert.

From the sky, thousands of people dotted the sand, like a splash of ink across beige paper. The band landed in the designated zone behind the jutting structure raised by a driven team of klokateers. Toki kept to himself in the backstage area; Pickles drifted toward Nathan and Murderface, not like Toki could blame him. He was less than fun to be around, he knew, when upset.

Skwisgaar appeared behind him, in the mirror. Toki carried on applying his corpse paint, determined to ignore. All over again, his insides boiled.

“You, uh. . .” Skwisgaar rubbed his elbow. “How abouts you let me do dat? Woulds be easier.”

“I's fine.”

“Ams you shore? You missing spots dere and dere—”

“If you knows whats is good for you, Skwigelf, you leaves me alone.”

Rather than abide, Skwisgaar merely kept distance by leaning back against the neighbouring dressing table. “We am stills going to Sweden, rights?”

“I don'ts know.”

“How cans you nots know?”

“Because I don'ts know!” Toki snapped. “Leaves me alone! We talks about it afterward, geez, how many times I haves to say?”

Skwisgaar lingered a short while longer, before pushing off and vacating the area. Now that he left, Toki wished he'd come back. He preferred anger to sadness any day, and at least Skwisgaar badgering him turned his emotions into a choice. Without it, he slipped back under the cloud he couldn't seem to escape. At least on stage, when dry wind ruffled his hair and Skwisgaar returned to his view, Toki could use the summoned rage as fuel to get him through. Otherwise, if Skwisgaar dared say _anything_ about his sloppy, shoddy playing, the man would find himself in a shallow grave for Burning Man goers to discover come late-August.

The first chords colliding with his body seemed to quiver his insides into liquid form. This helped, in a large way; anger propelled Toki into musicianship in the first place, and it would make certain now that he delivered one hell of a show. Skwisgaar wasn't one to pander to the crowd, preferring to focus on his instrument, so _someone_ had to do it. Not until the third track in or so did Toki even remember that this was their first public appearance since returning. No wonder the audience seemed more lively than usual. For now, Toki pretended that it was all meant for him, much like the first show he played upon return from captivity with the Revengencers.

Toki felt much better, when the last notes projected outward over the desert. The cheering crowd's din inflated him after expending all his excess energy and emotion, and following that came the usual sense of accomplishment with a show well-done. Far as he knew, he hadn't missed anything. That meant Skwisgaar would probably at some point nag about some two-odd imprecise notes.

Hopefully, he knew better.

Backstage again, the klokateer responsible for the Snow Falcon's care took it upon passing. Following, Toki pulled off his shirt and used it to wipe as much of the corpse paint off as possible. A flat palm thudded against his back in such familiar manner that he pinpointed Nathan before the man spoke. “Awesome job, guys. Fucking great.”

“Heh. Guess thet was it.” Pickles stood up on the tips of his toes to see past the crowd of hoods, seeking out Charles. “I think we're leavin' fer Tokyo right awee.”

“Oh?” They'd never mentioned; Murderface even, was too preoccupied bragging that Nathan and Pickles had agreed to take him along, to state their destination. “I thoughts you was at least comings back to Mordhaus with us.”

“Nope, why fly all the way back across the continent? Heh.” The black surrounding Pickles' eyes had bled down as far as his cheekbones. “We're gonna jump over to Reno 'n' get on a plane there.”

Reno. . .the last city Toki associated with the carefree leg of his and Skwisgaar's road trip. Smiling, he placed a hand on Pickles' shoulder. “I hopes you have fun, Pickle. You guys deserves a hards week partyings across the ocean.”

“You too. And eh. . .” Pickles peered past him toward where Nathan and Skwisgaar chatted. “Hope things go well. Don' leddit get ya too down, okee?”

“I's gonna tries not to.” Toki couldn't make any promises, though.

“Cool. Well. . .see ya this time next week, dood!”


	95. Desertion

They had enough time to share a beer before Pickles, Murderface, and Nathan departed, but Toki chose a shower instead. He dreaded completely what the five hour flight back home would consist of. One way was bad enough, even with friends to distract them. Alone? Toki's foot tapped restlessly against the Dethkopter's floor, as he mentally braced himself.

He didn't know Skwisgaar had even made it back on yet, until catching sight of him out of the corner of his eye in the rec room. Although startled, Toki didn't address him. Rather, he carried on with his post-concert snack and reading the surviving show-goers' reviews as they rolled in on Facefriends. Only when Charles cleared his throat did Toki acknowledge that someone else occupied the same space.

“We're taking off shortly. Ah, if you wanted to say one more goodbye to the other boys, now's your chance.”

As Toki predicted, neither he nor Skwisgaar budged. While Toki was content to ignore Skwisgaar the entire way back to Mordhaus, he knew he couldn't. Still, that didn't compel him to break the ice. Judging by how excessively Skwisgaar brushed his wet hair, he wasn't far from cracking.

“You can'ts just not talks to me forever,” he eventually said. When Toki didn't reply, Skwisgaar kept on. “I didn'ts mean what I said. You ams right, dat Raina did bad t'ing. I shoulds hate her.”

“Buts you don't.”

“Noes, I do.”

“Hey Skwisgaar, you know whats is only goings to make this about a hundred times worse? Ifs on top of what you saids earlier, you starts lying to me. You thinks I can't tell, when you are?”

“What does you wants me to do, den?” Skwisgaar threw his hands up in frustration. “I can'ts lie, and I can'ts tell de truth.”

“You _shouldn'ts_ lie, _regardless_ of the truth. Whats is better, dealings with the actual issue or withs you not being straights with me? I's not letting you derail it, and you certainlies not doings yourself any favours by lyings. _Again_ ,” Toki added.

“Den what ams I supposed to do? I can'ts control how I feel about t'ing. I know dat Raina fuckeds wit' us, okays? I know she put you in a position dat gots you hort. I know she lieds, to gets _me_ willings to cross de border. Dat ams all in my heads, but I can'ts help dat despite it, I likeds her.”

“That doesn'ts even make any sense, Skwisgaar. I thinks you's just stupids.”

“Dis comings from de guy dat want to gets dis sorteds out. You don'ts like what I say, so you just calls me stupids. Goods talk, den.”

“You can gets all mopey somewhere else laters, I's not done withs you yet,” Toki said as Skwisgaar rose to leave. “You saids earlier that she was nice to you. Ja, she was nice to both of us, when she wasn'ts being a no-hearted bitch. What the hells is wrong with you, that woulds make her seems like a likable person?”

“Dat ams none of your business.”

“Is nones of my—” Toki couldn't help but laugh. “Ares you fucking kidding? The reason some dead lady still have some holds over you isn'ts my business, and yets you wants to try to makes things right with me?”

“Ams likes you saids at Francisco's. Why can'ts you just know dat somet'ing exist? Why does I haves to talks about it?”

“Because whatever she saids or dids isn'ts yours to hold. It haves nothings to do with you, evens.” Toki scoffed. “Nice tries, though.”

“How woulds you even know? Maybes it have _everyt'ing_ to does wit' me. I can'ts tell you her t'ing wit'out. . .” Skwisgaar trailed off with pressed lips and an averted gaze. “You ams doing it again, tryings to guilts me into talkings about t'ing I amn'ts ready to. I don'ts appreskate dat.”

“Well, _I_ don'ts appreciakate not knowings why my boyfriends is making this hundred and eighties degree turn on me. How coulds you do this?” Toki's face fell. “How coulds you keeps this from me, when you've seens everything I beens through, because of her? No one else knows these things Skwis, so hows is I supposed to react when the one person I have says that the person responsibles for all this really isn'ts that bad?”

On the other side of the room, Skwisgaar's eyes shifted back and forth as he thought. His slouch deepened while his crossed arms tightened. “I don'ts know what you wants me to say. You puts all dis emphasis on how importants tellings de truth ams, and den when I does, you gets mad at me. De truth ams dat I still don'ts underskand why you shots her. I likeds her, evens though I agree dat she dids bad t'ing dat hort you. I can't stands beside dat, but I can'ts deny dat I maybes underskand her a bits better dan you does.”

“So it's understandsable that she would locks me up in her basement? Ja, I tolds her that she woulds be tortured under Mordhaus when Charles caughts up with us, so it shoulds make sense to _her_ why she dids it, but to _yous?_ ”

“You were actings like a caged animal, and you don'ts exactly haves de best track record on not killings people. Evens if she wasn'ts considering her own safety, she still hads a kid in de house.”

“Okay, you can stops talking _right_ there. Ifs you goings to rationalize all of her bad behaviours, then I don'ts need to hear anymore. Aren'ts you listening to yourself? By doings that, what're you doings but sayings nothing what happeneds to me matter?” Tears yet again bit Toki's eyes, much to his re-emerging anger. “I wouldn'ts has hurt anyones I didn'ts have to, to gets us out. _Fucks_ you, Skwisgaar. You thinks I _liked_ shootings her or Francisco? Francisco was nothings but nice to me, and we probablies coulds has lived forever with him. If I wasn'ts convinced that Raina would finds a way to gets back at us, I wouldn'ts has been ables to pull the trigger for _her_ , either. It didn'ts matter what she dids to me, at the ends of it all, the reason I killeds her was for _you_. We neededs to get out of there, and that was all that mattereds.”

Skwisgaar couldn't meet his gaze. “I still t'inks it was unnecessary.”

“Okay.” What else could Toki say, then? He'd demanded the truth, and that was what he got. “Is fines, then.”

Of course it wasn't, though. With nothing else to say, on either of their ends, Toki departed for the seats that he and Pickles had occupied during their western trajectory. So by Skwisgaar's logic, after Toki had been beaten, brainwashed, and raped, _he_ was the villain. Sure, maybe morality greyed the line of necessity, but in getting himself and Skwisgaar home, Toki had to look at the world through black and white lens, as per Francisco's suggestion. Francisco stood between them and Mordhaus, therefore he had to die. Raina potentially threatened the peace they would find there, therefore _she_ had to die. Toki refused to look at it any deeper than that, because that was the situation. If Toki could've gotten away from them without resorting to violence, he would've taken that route. He didn't purposely seek out a situation in which he could end a pair of lives.

Then again, Skwisgaar probably took Montana into consideration as well. Ludwig was so. . .different, and Toki legitimately felt he learned by doing _him_ in that he wasn't a killer. Something in him was, but not _him_. Didn't Skwisgaar understand that? Or _was_ Toki the bad guy?

Whatever the conclusion, Toki couldn't even stand his own company, let alone anyone else's. He fell asleep without the option to drink himself into oblivion, waking thanks to a substantial jostle of the Dethkopter. Mordhaus' helipad loomed outside the window, dark and oppressive against a similar night.

When he made to pass through the rec room, he found that Skwisgaar waited for him. “We shoulds talk about Sweden, den.”

Ten hours in the air today with Skwisgaar was bad enough; Toki couldn't imagine another ten, even if they slept through the night to Göteborg. If Skwisgaar stuck to his guns on what he'd said and their argument wasn't based on a misunderstanding, then what good was vacationing if all they'd do was fight? “I's not going.”

Skwisgaar's shoulders slumped. “It amn't somet'ing you wants to t'ink about, forst?”

“No.” Toki brushed past. “I's not going.”

Toki earned this week off, and now all he wanted to do was spend its entirety in bed. While he managed to sleep a bit on the Dethkopter, he couldn't do more than toss and turn in his room. Most of the hours before dawn were spent gazing up at the model planes he'd so lovingly built; he needed to keep himself from tearing them down fit for destruction.

Being alone did him absolutely no good. Unable to stand it anymore, Toki pulled himself up around noon bent for Skwisgaar's bed. So what, if Skwisgaar inferred that he deserved being raped? Right now, Toki would take that if it meant his loneliness could end. However, an empty, pristinely-made bed paused Toki in the doorway. More than that, a quick sweep of the room came up short of Skwisgaar's suitcase and his passport. Toki's still situated alone, on the dresser.

He'd gone without him.

_He'd gone without him._

Unable to fully believe it, Toki dialled Skwisgaar's number. It went straight to voicemail, due to airplane mode. Rather than undress again and crawl in, as planned, Toki carried on for Charles' office. If anyone could provide an answer, it was him.

“Ah, good afternoon.” Charles consulted his watch before greeting him thusly.

Toki had no capacity for pleasantries. “Where's Skwisgaar?”

“He left for Sweden, about an hour after we returned to Mordhaus. He asked me to redirect the flight from Gothenburg to Sundsvall.” Charles furrowed his brow. “Didn't he tell you that?”

“Sundsvall?” Still, Toki couldn't process anything but the information he sought. “He's going to visits his mother?”

“He called her, she confirmed she'd meet him at the airport around eleven o'clock. Five, our time.”

Toki didn't even know what to do with himself. Numb with shock, he left Charles' question hanging, about whether or not he was all right. Why would Skwisgaar do this? _Why_ , when they had something they needed to figure out here, would he go? And now Toki couldn't even find out for another four to five hours, when Skwisgaar landed. In attempt to expedite the process of getting in touch, Toki called his number again.

“Hey, it's me. Um. . .I's not sure whats is goings on. I don'ts even know if you goings to get this message, but if you does, please calls me back.” Toki paused, briefly debating if it was worth it to add, “I loves you.”

How the hell was he going to get through the next few hours? Sleep, after such a shitty night of it, beckoned Toki as favourable option. The further away Skwisgaar got, the more Toki seemed to miss him; curled up beneath the furs, the ache in his chest grew with each passing minute. Skwisgaar's lingering scent could only curtail it so much.

At least despite weird dreams and a cautious spell of unconsciousness, Toki finally checked his phone at an hour that he could attempt calling again. It wasn't all too encouraging that Skwisgaar hadn't returned his call, although being diverted straight to voicemail again at least explained that. Eight o'clock. . .they would've made it to Kovland by now, right? Disregarding Charles' warning that it was past two in the morning in Sweden, Toki extracted Serveta's landline number out of him and let his heart pound as the call connected across the ocean.

A pause came with a click, then the tail-end of a yawn. “Hello, this is the Skwigelf bostad, Serveta talar.”

Toki stammered; he didn't expect Swedish, although should have. Thank goodness she spoke English too. “Hi Mrs. Skwigelfs, this is Toki. I knows is pretty late, but is Skwisgaar availables to speak?”

“Toki, huh?” With another yawn, background rustling and creaking indicated that she rose out of bed. “Lets me go finds him.

“Svisgaar,” her thick accent sounded distant. No doubt, the phone pressed against her breast, due to its muffled nature. “The phone's for you. It's Toki.”

“I'll take it in the kitchen.” Another click and fumble preceded Skwisgaar calling upstairs for Serveta to hang up. Although Skwisgaar didn't deliberate on whether or not he'd face the consequence of his actions, hesitation weighed the call now. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Toki rolled his bottom lip through his teeth. “So. . .cans I ask why?”

“Honestlies, I thoughts dis call would starts off wit' you yellings.”

“I's too confused for that.” So far, anyway; it all depended on how this discussion went. “You couldn'ts has talkeds to me first? Lefts me a message, or a note?”

“You weres pissed, and you saids you didn'ts want to come. Since we weren'ts going to Göteborg, I figureds I could at least do somet'ing conskruktive.”

“Likes what?”

Further stalling on the other end brought forth the television's quiet murmur. Whatever Skwisgaar watched when Toki interrupted him possessed a laugh-track. It sounded hollow, when contrasted against their conversation. “I haven'ts been as opens wit' you as I coulds be. Ams hard, because I haves a lots of porsonal t'ing dat I needs to get straighteneds out, and it all starteds here. I didn'ts mean to just leaves like dat, but. . .dis convorsation ams hard enoughs to haves over de phone, lets alone face to face.”

“Right.” Despite adverse feelings toward Skwisgaar and his rashness, Toki felt sorry to hear a tremble in his voice. “Does you wants to talks about it?”

“I can'ts, Toki. I really can'ts.” Skwisgaar drew a heavy breath. “But I ams hopings to be closer to a place where I cans, when I comes home. If we can'ts plan for a vacation togethers because of its, den it has to go.”

“What does this haves to do with Raina?”

“I amn'ts a hundred porskent shore, but I ams hoping to finds out. I'm so sicks of being like dis.”

It didn't matter what Skwisgaar referred to; Toki felt the weight of those words right to his very soul. He wished he could help, but understood all too well how immobilizing shame and guilt could be. “I hopes you find some peace, then.”

“Me too,” Skwisgaar murmured. “I'll keeps in contact, if you wants?”

“Just turns your phone back on. Who cares, about how much international textings cost?” Toki managed to smile. “You cans more than afford it.”

“Ams true. . .”

However vague Skwisgaar remained about the issues that put an ocean between them, Toki felt better to hear the man hadn't just run away from his problems. For now, that bandaged the larger obstacle at hand enough for him to feel some resolution. “I'll lets you go, then. Tries to get some sleeps, huh?”

“I mights. Ams hards to, right now.” Skwisgaar paused. “I loves you.”

“I loves you too, Skwis. I'll talks to you later.” 


	96. Superman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illustrated.

“Your move.”

“I knows, you can'ts rush me.” Toki rested his head on folded arms, on Charles' desk; boredom and loneliness brought him here the next afternoon, though with little expectation to be genuinely entertained. Their casual conversation led to suggestion that Toki dig out the old checkerboard of his late teen years. Along with a game he enjoyed, it brought back good memories. When Skwisgaar ultimately failed at teaching Toki English, it was over this game that Toki finally grasped the language's fundamentals.

Tongue poked out, Toki finally bit the bullet and double-jumped a couple of Charles' pieces. He should have known better than to believe Charles would allow such a set-up to go unnoticed; Toki groaned as three of his own pieces in kind were wiped from the board, as well as the remainder facing yet one more king. “How you keeps doing that?”

Smiling minutely, Charles shrugged. The warm afternoon beating through his office window led to his suit jacket being folded over the back of his chair. “I play it as I see it.”

“You shoulds play this for money. I bets you wouldn'ts even has to gets a paycheck from us, to lives well.”

“I'm ah, not aware of any back-alley checkers leagues.”

“Cards, then. Cans you play poker?”

“I was never interested in that. I played chess in college, but even that grows boring after a while.”

“And doings all this paperwork _doesn'ts?_ ”

“What can I say? You boys are full of twists and surprises.”

Toki could only take so many losses in a row. The glee of having won once was tarnished by suspicion that Charles merely allowed for it. A rumbling stomach on Toki's part preceded their exit; Toki didn't expect Charles to take up his offer to eat together as well, and yet there they sat in the kitchen while Jean-Pierre dallied about. Given the hour's proximity to the business day's standard end, Charles loosened his tie.

“How comes you never eats with us?” Toki asked. “Evens when we haves planned meals, you don'ts make it.”

“Well. . .”

“Go aheads and says we stupids, and stuff. I'll be the firsts to admit it.”

“None of you boys are stupid, Toki. In fact, you're all brilliant. . .in your own way,” Charles carefully added. “I just prefer solitude.”

“Oh, like Supermans!” Toki's eyes lit up. “Does you remember all those comic books you gaves me, when I was youngers?”

“Of course.”

“I actually thoughts for a while that they was all abouts you.” Toki's ability to make Charles laugh fed into a good mood. “You knows, like that Charles Offdensen was your disguise name, so that no ones would know you were really Clark Kent. I thoughts that what you were tellings me.”

“I just thought you would benefit from reading, and you seemed inclined toward those types of stories, so. . .”

Toki did find enjoyment in them, as well as comfort. Norway left him with a terrible sinking feeling regarding the state of the universe without a supreme entity to rule, but morality proving itself achievable by men without divine intervention made him feel better. When reading those, Toki understood better how Skwisgaar could spurn the world to the point of nihilism, then turn around with bright eyes regarding races and creatures too fantastic to exist.

Sentimentality returned Toki to his room after dinner, and set him on his knees before his bookshelf to pick out some of his favourite issues. He chose Skwisgaar's room over his own for the advantage in lighting, though as the overly-familiar dialogue ran ahead in his mind, his interest waned. Closing the issue, he dug out his phone, instead.

He'd decided to ignore Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles' updates for the time being, bummed that they had fun without him, but checked frequently for any sort of update from Skwisgaar. After how they separated and last spoke, Toki did his best to allow Skwisgaar some space. However curious, however still confused, if whatever Skwisgaar set out to accomplish got him talking upon return, Toki considered this latest test of their relationship worthwhile. Once Skwisgaar pinpointed the reason for his affinities to bend toward Raina, they could move on.

Skwisgaar hadn't texted him since that morning, to wish him a good day. Wondering if he should bother him at all, Toki decided to put the burden of conversation on the other end. If Skwisgaar wanted to let him know what his second evening in Kovland consisted of, he'd respond.

_'Not much...mom p much just bossed me around all day n said i looked like a hobo w brown hair'_

_'lol rly? I never thot it looked bad :)'_

_'shes going to dye it for me. Guess im coming home blond?'_

_'Cool. I cant wait 2 see!'_

When Skwisgaar hadn't responded within a quarter-hour, Toki shrugged him off as preoccupied and exchanged his comic books for a pair of shorts. He rarely ever got the hot tub to himself; the novelty wore off quickly though, without company. The decision to carry on the show he watched in Skwisgaar's room made him sigh. How the hell was he going to survive another six days like this? Maybe tomorrow, he'd take another look at the recording program collecting figurative dust on his computer.

Casual channel-surfing passed the sunset by and lulled Toki into tentative sleepiness. Underneath the light from Skwisgaar's television, he rested with his eyes closed. His phone vibrated beside the pillow, but he didn't bother checking it right away when a glance came up short of Skwisgaar's name. Charles probably didn't have anything much important to say at this time of night anyway. However, Toki furrowed his brow during the commercial break.

_'Have you spoken with Skwisgaar tonight?'_

_'Couple hours ago, y'_

_'Can we meet somewhere?'_

_'Im in his room...'_

In preparation for the other man to arrive, Toki made himself decent with pants and fingers through his hair. His smile melted when a stern frown looked him back, upon opening the door. “Is everythings okay?”

“I'm ah, not sure. I just got a phone call from one of the klokateers keeping guard over Serveta's house. The police have Skwisgaar in custody.”

“The police?” Toki raised an eyebrow; Skwisgaar was no stranger to run-ins with the law, and the context made him laugh. Maybe he and his mother got into an argument loud enough about his hair for the nearest neighbours to call it in. “Okay, so whats about it? He needs bail moneys?”

“I'm just going to head over there. Did you want to come?”

Yes _please_. The opportunity to get out of this boring place had Toki nodding immediately. Maybe, if Skwisgaar got the information or reaction out of his mother that he wanted, then they could smooth over whatever mess he created and go to Göteborg as planned. His passport hadn't moved, which Toki handed over to Charles. “I'll go grabs my suitcase. Whats is we takings?”

Good thing Toki hadn't bothered to unpack. He jogged down the hallway with a wide grin, excitement coursing through his veins. Would he and Charles surprise Skwisgaar, or did he expect them? As soon as he got put into handcuffs, he'd probably started demanding for Charles until he annoyed an officer enough for the call to go through. What about Toki, though? Skwisgaar would be happy to see him, right?

In the Stockholm courtroom, Toki laughed for a whole other reason. No humour came with this variety. “God, was I ever stupids. I was naïves when I was born, and I'll be naïves when I die. I thoughts, Charles, that you was just tireds and annoyeds to have to do actual works when you were tryings to get caught up.”

“For the court record, how did that night flight go?”

“Fines, I thought. I playeds Pokemon on my 3DS for a couples hours and you dids paperwork. Lookeds like you were anyway, since you were obviouslies distracted. I didn'ts think anything about it, because I was tryings to distract myself too. I missed Skwisgaar stupidsly much for only beings away from him for a littles over a day, and I couldn'ts wait to gives him a big hug. Turned out you knews exactly what happened in Sweden, and you didn'ts tell me right away because you didn'ts want me freaking out the whole way across the ocean. I stills don't really know the details, but I'ves heard the rumours.” Toki glanced at Skwisgaar. “I slepts well, betweens Mordhaus and Sundsvall, which is goods, because that was the last night I hads for a long time that mades me feel rested.”

Up in Sundsvall, Toki jarred awake with a shake on his shoulder. Their being due to land meant he needed to buckle up again; he blinked heavily, thanks to the sunlight that bombarded his eyes after pulling off his sleeping mask. “Wowie, ow. . .how longs untils we on the ground?”

“Ten or fifteen minutes.” The bags developed beneath Charles' eyes flashed Toki back to seeing him on the news in Vegas, calling for their return. “Toki, we need to talk before we land.”

Tentative, Toki slowed on securing his seatbelt. “Okays. . .whats about?”

“I didn't want to tell you at Mordhaus, since a ten-hour long flight is too much time to stew and worry. This isn't as simple as bailing Skwisgaar out. He's in serious trouble.”

“Troubles how?”

“His mother is. . .” Charles deliberated for a more delicate term, “expired.”

“Expireds like dead?” How could that be true? Toki had just spoken to her, last night! Everything seemed fine, then. Skwisgaar and Serveta were getting along, weren't they? “Was its an accident?”

“Judging from what I heard, no. Unfortunately, I won't be able to tell you much else. As Skwisgaar's lawyer, I'm quite possibly going to need to prepare for court, and there's chance I'll need to subpoena you—”

“Hold on, hold on, what's you mean, _courts?_ ” Toki frowned. “Skwisgaar wouldn'ts kill his mom. This is stupids. She probably just died, she's arounds that age, anyway. . .”

Charles pinching the bridge of his nose stilted Toki in his denial. “If that were the case, we wouldn't be having this discussion. I understand about as well as you do, right now. When we get to the hospital, we'll begin sorting it out.”

“The hospital?” Toki's heart sunk. “Is Skwisgaar okays?”

“I spoke to the nurse in charge of him before waking you up. He's stable now that they, ah. . .pumped the contents of his stomach.”

Pumped—? Toki didn't even want to know what that meant. He understood now, why Charles waited so long to say anything. Even the five minutes down to the tarmac and the fifteen more it took to be ushered through the airport felt like a lifetime. His foot tapped restlessly in the backseat of a taxi; these seemed tiny, after years of being shuttled about in limousines.

“Is there anythings else I shoulds prepare for?”

“Ah, they placed Skwisgaar in the psychiatric ward for now, and of course he's under surveillance. There's a possibility you won't be allowed to see him, today.”

“When _wills_ I be able to? Am I goings to be able to at _all?_ ” The idea petrified Toki; never again had he wanted any sort of divide between him and the other man. It was one thing for something to be imposed by Raina, but by Charles too? Or the legitimate laws of the land? “You'll tries to make it so that I cans, right?”

“It depends on whether Skwisgaar consents, as well.”

“Oh fucks that, he'll wants to sees me. Or, I hopes he will, anyway,” Toki glumly added. “Why would you brings me here, if I couldn'ts?”

“I assumed that when you heard, you'd want to be as close as possible. I'm not sure when it'll hit the news, but guarantee someone in the hospital won't be able to keep their mouth closed about their newest temporary resident.”

“Why's he stills in the hospital, if he stable? When are they puttings him in jail?”

“I'm hoping to find that out as soon as I speak to the officer in charge.”

“Okays, but. . .you's gonna get him out of here, right?” Reignited hope lit up Toki's eyes again. “You's probably the best lawyer in the whole world. Is why we hireds you. We'll gets his bail set low and takes him home, just likes with anything else, right?”

“We're not in the United States, Toki. Things are different here. I've never had to deal with the Swedish justice system, so I'm not sure how this is going to go. I don't mean to be blunt, but you need to manage your expectations. There's a very real chance that when we return to Mordhaus, we're not taking Skwisgaar with us.”

“Whats you mean? They can't just arrest him.”

“Yes they can. He's committed murder.”

“So whats?” Irritated, Toki threw his hands up in the air. “I killeds three people in the last two months! Why aren'ts _I_ in jail, huh?”

“Because those happened within the correct political boundaries.” Out from Charles' briefcase came a confidentiality agreement form, intent for the eavesdropping taxi driver. “Ludwig was easy to clean up. As for Raina and Francisco, their murders occurred in an area of Monterrey that goes without police intervention and besides, now that you're back with me I can veto any orders for extradition should they arise. Even if I had to represent you in Mexican court, I could argue self-defence. Here? I'm not so sure yet. I need to get the story out of Skwisgaar. I need to survey the crime scene and sit down with the police.”

“But. . .we haves money. We's _Dethklok_.”

“Of course you do, and course you are. But I don't know yet if that matters. . .”

Charles' weathered expression then translated from the Sundsvall taxi to the Stockholm courtroom. “Did that sink in, quite yet?”

Toki shook his head, on the stand. “No. I couldn'ts understand it, because after everything me and Skwisgaar ever wents through—as well as the other guys, I guess—we gots used to being able to gets out of anything. Evens in other countries, they eithers didn'ts care or we gots out of there fast enough for no repercussions to come our ways. Is easy to forgets the law exist, when it don'ts really apply to you.”

“When _did_ it sink in, that this wasn't like any other crime perpetuated by you or the other boys?”

“When I saw Skwisgaar, laters that day.” Toki had nearly gone as far in his testimony as Charles deemed a suitable place to stop. Except for on television and through bars, this might be his last opportunity to see the man. His determination to steer clear slowly whittled away through the hours they spent in the same room, to the point now where Toki's bottom lip prematurely trembled. Revisiting the two months they lasted over the space of three days offered much greater perspective than the sour moments Toki chose to base his opinion of Skwisgaar on. “The fives of us used to debate sometimes in the hot tub, abouts differences between America and overs here, in Sweden and Norway. One thing we talkeds about once was prisons. America's are totallies brutal. They throws you in the can to punish you for doing something dumb, you sits there for howevers long without being taughts how to do anything different, and then you gets out expected to becomes this wonderful citizen evens though no one will looks at you the same because you a convict. Here is differents, in that the system try to gets to the root of the issue. They don'ts treat you like trash, they's actually helpful.

“I thinks I maybes made a similar mistake.” Introspection wasn't exactly suitable for the stand, but the court had been incredibly patient thus far with Toki's various deviations. “When I thinks about it, after we gots home from Mexico, I nevers once asked how Skwisgaar was doing. I was so selfish, evens if. . .well, I was so focused on what I was goings through, that I nevers bothered to check in with him. He seemeds okay, and that was goods enough for me. When this all happened, it totallies came out of the blue, but I shoulds has seen it. If I coulds look beyond myself longs enough, maybes I would has noticed that he was suffering, that something was buildings up inside until it slipped and. . .Serveta dieds. Is easy to blame myself, because what ifs I could has stopped this? _Is_ it my fault that this happened, evens if ultimately was Skwisgaar that dids it? Cans it really be someone's fault that wasn'ts in control of themselves, or anythings around them?”

“That's for the prosecution to decide, Toki,” Charles gently reminded him with a gesture at the men and women perched behind the corresponding table. “Before we end this off, is there anything else you'd like to say?”

God, where did Toki even start? He couldn't speak directly to Skwisgaar, and maybe that was for the best. He didn't know whether to apologize, say goodbye, or neither. Awareness that this very well may be his last time ever seeing Skwisgaar didn't equate at all to preparation. Even with no future to speak of, considering where Skwisgaar slated to spend the vast portion of his life's remainder, Toki's vision blurred. “Whatevers come of all this. . .I hopes I was helpful.”

“Thank you, Toki. Ah, the defence rests this witness, Your Honour.”

With those words, a substantial weight lifted from Toki's shoulders. It was over. The three days he'd dreaded for the last seven and a half months were now in the past. He was free to look at the future, to close the final page on a book that probably never should've been opened for the cynic it birthed. His legs wobbled as he stood, neck determinedly straight after Meshuggah's gavel ended this portion of the trial and commenced deliberation on Skwisgaar's fate. Charles had just joined Toki's side near the exit when a clear voice cut through the murmurs.

“Toki, waits.”

Toki didn't expect in the least to hear that voice, since no one but those on the floor and stand were allowed to speak in this room. Sure enough, by the time Toki managed to turn back, the bailiff in charge of Skwisgaar was dragging him back toward the second entrance and speaking unheeded warnings in the court's official language.

“Toki, I'm sorries.” Skwisgaar went dead-weight against his handler, causing him to cringe as his arms oddly twisted. “Toki—”

The threatening crackle of a taser shut him right up. Toki couldn't even properly react until Skwisgaar disappeared. Was that it, then? Would this be the image that always haunted him, and that lingered in his dreams? The last sight he ever paid to the man who could've been his everything was him, dressed in orange, handcuffed, and desperate, taking the only opportunity he had to convey what had so far remained unspoken. For that, Charles had to grasp Toki's shoulder in order to get his attention.

Yet again, the man appeared ten years his senior. “Are you ready to leave?” 


	97. Juncture

Stockholms Rådhus' hallways were too silent for Toki to handle, and yet, the din of reporters and supporters that never abandoned their post outside appealed just as little. On he and Charles' way, his feet came to a stop all on their own. He and Skwisgaar existed in the same building, in the same sense as attending a funeral. Skwisgaar was here, but. . .gone. Gone from Toki's life, gone from the band, gone forever. As much as Toki tried to hide from that fact, whether in Norway, within himself, or at the bottom of a bottle, the song remained the same.

“Do you need a moment?”

Toki nodded, taking a step toward the restroom. “Alones, please.”

Thank God it was empty. After relieving his bladder, nothing remained to distract Toki. The same tingle returned to his fingertips—the urge to run them over Skwisgaar—and he was utterly lost without the ability to take a deep breath from the crook of his neck. Skwisgaar's voice alone brought life to the videos Toki repeatedly watched on his phone when he couldn't sleep at night. Whenever Toki closed his eyes, two deep blue ones with a thin ring of gold surrounding the pupils looked him back. He saw them in his dreams, and sometimes in his own reflection before a blink or second-glance corrected his pining mind. Ghosts visited him constantly; he'd wake up because he could've sworn Skwisgaar said his name or shook his shoulder, and it would take internally-motivated correction to realize a shuffling noise elsewhere in his mother's house wasn't due to Skwisgaar piddling around.

In a sense, Skwisgaar really _had_ died. Toki didn't recognize who he spoke to at the Sundsvall Sjukhus, when his chance finally came. Alone there except for the klokateers watching over him, Toki tried his best to reconcile the man he knew to the crime he'd allegedly committed. He scrolled through his phone in the waiting room, attempting to read between the lines of Skwisgaar's texts. Nothing was there, though. Did this really even happen?

Toki looked up when Charles returned. “Well? What dids he say?”

“Nothing. He won't speak to me.”

“Whats you mean he—?” Toki rubbed his temple similarly to how Charles might, when frustrated. “Maybes if was me, he would say something. Is worth a shots, right?”

“I believe so.” Charles jerked his head back down the hallway. “Come on, I'll get you in to see him.”

“He saids he would see me?”

“He hasn't said no yet.”

Yeah, _yet_. Suddenly nervous and exceedingly apprehensive, Toki trailed behind. Charles explained to the police standing guard of the room what they attempted and, perhaps thanks to his star power, the woman Charles spoke primarily to stepped aside. After her, emerged a nurse.

“Only one visitor at a time,” she informed them.

“Toki would like to come in, if that's okay with you.”

Toki expected to see Skwisgaar laid up in a bed, possibly with an IV or something, but while a bed existed in the room Skwisgaar didn't preoccupy it. Instead, he sat by the window with his knees drawn up to his chest. His head rested against the window frame; even in profile, Toki could see that he wasn't right in the eyes. Had they drugged him?

The door closed behind Toki, shutting him, Skwisgaar, and the nurse inside. Toki lowered his voice, hesitant to approach quite yet. “Coulds we have some privacy?”

“I'm sorry, but only for his attorney will the ward bend this rule. All patients on suicide watch are monitored around the clock.”

Suicide watch? Not Skwisgaar. Why would they ever worry about that? Maybe it was just something they did for everyone that seemed upset. Better safe than sorry, right?

“Hey.” Unsure what else to say when Skwisgaar finally looked at him with sorrow etched into every line of his face, Toki pulled the second chair closer. The silence fell awkward; Toki didn't feel like he spoke to the same person, and Skwisgaar's return to blond didn't exactly help. “Your hair turneds out goods.”

“Thanks.”

“Um. . .they gots you pretty doped up?”

Skwisgaar shook his head, resuming his gaze out the window. “Dey won'ts let me have anyt'ing.”

“Oh.”

He didn't look good; while Toki studied how heavily shame, guilt, and mourning weighed Skwisgaar's frame, the other man lengthily exhaled. “What ams you doings here? You shouldn't sees me like dis.”

“I wanteds to sees you anyway.” Toki ran his fingers lightly over Skwisgaar's socked toes, but wound up mirroring how they curled up and recoiled. “What's goings on? What happened?”

“I don'ts want to talk about it.”

“Dids you actually. . .?” A glance back at the nurse, watching them like a hawk from beside the door, made Toki's question fall flat. “I means, Charles said that, um. . .your mom. . .”

Skwisgaar used long legs to his advantage; his face pressing against the tops of his knees preceded a tremble in his shoulders. For how nicely his hair shone, it knotted. Now that Toki looked closely enough, a red tinge marred it in places.

Oh.

“Stops,” Skwisgaar protested with a cringe when the barest touch grazed his arm. “I t'inks you should go. Dis ams too unsbarrassing.”

“I's not here to makes you feel bad. I's just here.”

“You ams in here because I wouldn'ts talk to Charles.”

“That stupids. Even if he asked me to try and get something outs of you, I wanteds to see you anyway. Why wouldn'ts I? I loves you.”

“Because I'ms fucked up. And I fucked up, reallies bad. Dey ams going to puts me in jail, once de doctors decide I won'ts try to kills myself again.”

Sure, Toki had been there a few times in his life, but what separated him further from Skwisgaar was the intention to go through with it. Skwisgaar actually meant to not be here right now. Was it extended life he mourned, more so than the potential death of his future, or of even losing his mother? What if Charles found Toki at Mordhaus yesterday to relay news of Skwisgaar's death, rather than arrest?

“Why woulds you do that?” Panic flowered in Toki's chest. “Why woulds you want to die, Skwis? I don'ts get it.”

He only got a shrug, in response.

“How coulds things ever be that bad? Whatevers is wrong, we cans fix it.”

“Dere am some t'ing dat can'ts be. It doesn'ts matter, anyway. Dey ams goings to locks me up.”

Skwisgaar sounded as shocked by that as Toki felt. Maybe _that_ was what he tried to escape. “I don'ts care, Skwis. Wherevers they put you, thats is where I's goings to go. I visits you everyday, I moves here, I'll. . .quits the band if I haves to, I—”

“Don'ts,” Skwisgaar cut him off. “It amn'ts wort' it.”

“Whats you mean, it isn'ts worth it? Of course you's worth it.”

“No, I'ms not.”

“To me, you ares.”

“Don'ts mean to shits on dat, but dat don'ts exactly mean anyt'ing rights now.”

“Because you expecteds to be dead.” Angry that Skwisgaar would pull such a stunt, the corners of Toki's mouth pulled downward. “Well, too bads, you didn'ts get to take the easy way out. How coulds you be so selfish? Don'ts you have any idea what you would leaves behind? Whats about the band? Whats about the world relyings on you? Whats about _me?_ ”

“What _abouts_ it all?” Finally, some fire flickered behind Skwisgaar's eyes. “Go aheads and calls me selfish. I admicks it. Ams de only selfish t'ing I dones in a long time, and I couldn'ts even have dat. I don'ts care dat you ams mad. Rights now, I don'ts even care about _you_. Gets de fucks out of my face.”

“Whatevers, then. I sees you tomorrow, when you's less all 'boohoo poor me' and readies to take inventory before movings forward. I can't stands to be around you when you miserable.”

“How did it go?” Charles asked out in the hallway.

“He won'ts talk.” Guilt curdled at the final glower Toki received from the nurse; he was too ashamed to admit he'd just raised his voice at someone being monitored for future suicide attempts, who had nothing but a prison cell to look forward to in life. Swallowing hard, Toki heaved a sigh. “Ares we stayings?”

“I've already booked myself a room at the nearest hotel. I don't know when I'll personally be returning to the United States, but you're free to come and go as you please.” Charles crossed his arms, lips pressed together as he gazed back toward the man and woman in blue uniform standing guard outside Skwisgaar's room. “We should let him rest.”

Seven and a half months later, Toki still didn't get it. He had no idea why Skwisgaar would want to take himself away, but that didn't even matter in the end. Since he failed, whatever suffering led to such a decision still burned on. Skwisgaar would have to live with his actions, whether or not they were his choice. It occurred to Toki then and it occurred again now that most anything he ever loved would eventually die. Skwisgaar lived in a bodily sense, but internally? Whatever warmness Toki found had been extinguished. It was incredibly hard, considering his history, to accept that perhaps something larger remained unaccounted for. People didn't lose their minds and try to commit suicide over work stress and a needy, demanding boyfriend. They didn't kill their mothers, and they didn't sympathize with sociopathic criminals.

Skwisgaar seemed to be doing better since they last saw each other—not great, but better—and maybe that was why. Maybe Toki made the right decision by leaving. Then again, he had to take into consideration that Skwisgaar probably received mandatory therapy since this happened. So maybe, as he'd slated in the courtroom, he shouldn't be so selfish. He didn't kill everyone that he loved, whether or not they wound up actually dying, otherwise how did the other guys still stand? How did Charles still wait for him out in the courthouse hallway, and how did his mother go about her nightly preoccupations back in her hotel room?

The idea that this had nothing to do with Toki was both liberating and terrifying. At least if his behaviour contributed to Skwisgaar's breakdown, he had some vestige of control over the situation. He since learned the importance of not solely relying on one other person, thanks to what it did to both of them; it wasn't fair for Skwisgaar to take the entire weight of his issues, and Toki learned the hard way what utter loneliness felt like when that connection disappeared. The next time he entered a relationship, he'd need to establish a fine balance between sharing too much and too little. Relying more on friends, family, and professionals should help.

“Gets me out of here,” Toki requested when he and Charles converged. “I just wants to. . .gets back to the hotel.”

For what, though? What did Toki look forward to, tonight? He and his mother slid into a rough patch, and the other guys expected him to go out with them. This late in the evening, did Toki even have a chance to nap before they willed to hit the bars? Maybe he should gauge what exactly they felt like doing, then figure out his plans from there. He certainly wasn't obligated to party with them; he already did last night, even if bringing Anders back to the hotel cut it short.

What he could do instead was get a good sleep and wake up early in order to head for the airport. A lot of work waited for him in Lillehammer, and he was best to get going on it. If he intended to leave the band anyway, what did it matter?

The walk to the limousine seemed twice as long as usual. Therein, Charles exhaled and loosened his tie. “How are you doing?”

“I don'ts know. Feels good to be done, but. . .” Toki twiddled his thumbs. “I can'ts believe is over, at the sames time. I can'ts believe, after alls the years I's known Skwisgaar, after everythings we been through, that this is how it ends. I's never going to sees him again, and I can'ts decide if that's hitting me likes a brick over the head or if is refusings to sink in.”

“You did good, at any rate. I have full confidence that you accomplished what you set out to do: whatever the court decides for Skwisgaar, he's going to get what he needs.”

“How longs do you think they'll puts him away for?”

“I'm not sure. It could go either way.”

Toki rested his head back against the seat. “I guess once we hears the verdict, we'll knows what to do as a band.”

“If Dethklok can hold out for it, then perhaps Damien will still renew your contract in the new year.” For now, nothing much happened with that. If Damien could've nullified it upon Skwisgaar's arrest without penalty, he probably would have. “For now, that's not looking too good. Even if Skwisgaar is immediately released, there isn't enough time to meet its stipulations.”

“Cans we not talk band business?”

“Of course. Ah, we'll need to hold a band meeting in order to discuss Dethklok's future, once Skwisgaar's is decided.”

This wasn't the correct time to bring up Toki's doubts about his continuing membership. Dreading that day, he zipped his mouth for the remainder of distance to the hotel, up to his mother's floor, and while he knocked at her door. At least a smile from her made him feel a bit more at home in an otherwise alien world.

“How did it go?” She stepped aside to allow him entry. “Did you finish?”

“Ja. I'm exhausted.” Toki flopped backward onto her bed with no regard toward wrinkling his suit. Closing his eyes was more important. “Starving, although I'm not sure how. I lost my appetite somewhere along the way.”

“You should eat anyway.”

“If you're going to make me, can we at least order in, rather than go out?” 


	98. Atonement

While someone like Charles would wear a suit even on days he didn't work, given the choice, Toki preferred to exert his particular variation of Eurotrash. Seated at the table in his mother's room, Anja's conservative dress, straight spine, and demure composure clashed with Toki's slumped position over his plate. He'd thrown his hair back again in a ponytail and cared little about wearing the same unwashed Amon Amarth hoodie. It smelled like the house in Lillehammer and that was all that mattered to him.

“Have you thought about what time you want to leave in the morning?” Anja asked before sipping her water. “I've semi-packed.”

“It depends on how late the guys want me out with them. I might not be ready until the afternoon, or so.”

“I suppose we'll play it by ear.” She paused. “Have you thought more about what you're going to do? If you're staying with the band, or. . .?”

“Meh, I'm too emotionally wrecked right now to really think about it. I'm still definitely not ready to return to Mordhaus, however much weight giving my testimony took off my shoulders. I'll see how I feel when I'm done building your new house.”

“I've been thinking, today. If you stay in Norway, you should call the house you're building your own.”

A meatball fell off Toki's fork. “But, Mor—”

“I know what you're going to say, Toki. I appreciate the gesture of wishing to get me out of the home I built with your father, but in all honesty, I scoured him from there long ago. You, on the other hand. . .if you intend to live in Norway, you need a place to go. If you build the house, it should be yours. You deserve something for yourself, after putting everyone else first for the last thirty-two years.”

“But. . .I intended it to be for _you_.” That was a slight lie though, one that went unaddressed between them. Toki needed something to do to keep himself preoccupied after returning to Norway, and that seemed like a big enough project. He turned deaf ears on his mother's hesitation, steaming forward anyway. “Are you sure?”

“Positive. You're a grown man, you shouldn't live with your mother any longer than you need to. Not that I don't enjoy your company. That's why I love that we'd still be such close neighbours.”

“What about our plan though, about burning the old house?”

“Well, there is one other building around that should probably be disassembled anyway. . .”

Toki stared at his mother with parted lips. “Are you suggesting we burn the church?”

“That thing is a deathtrap.” Despite the breached topic, Anja smiled sweetly. “I'm pretty sure a pack of wolves has moved into it. I never mentioned because I didn't want you to worry about me, but one of the klokateers got mauled the night after you left.”

“Mor!” Toki's eyes widened. “How could you not say anything?”

“I spoke to your manager about it when I arrived, and he said he'd send someone else up there to take that one's place.”

“You could've been hurt, though!”

“Have I never defended myself against a wolf, before?”

“ _Have_ you?”

“Living alone so far from the city. . .I've had to learn how to take care of myself.”

Toki's face split into a grin. Maybe his survivalist tendencies had a more concrete foundation than what was necessary to run from his father. The morning's argument fell further to the wayside as regard for his mother flourished into a warmth in Toki's chest. “I'll still worry about you.”

“Of course you will. And I'll still worry about _you_ , because that's what family does for one another.”

Toki would normally roll his eyes about being treated like a child, but he pat his mother's hand instead. “Thanks.”

There was no shame in wishing for a caring figure in his life, especially when Toki faced the prospect of breaking to his bandmates that he might not return at all to the United States. Uncertainty didn't seem so bad with company, unlike when Toki got situated in a hotel room in Sundsvall. Steaming with anger, frustration, and fear set him into a pace. It didn't help that all three of his bandmates had been texting him in search for answers. He had no idea what to tell them.

When Pickles called, Toki had no choice about putting it off any further. “Hellos?”

“Hello yerself. Whet the feck is goin' on? People're sayin' thet Skwisgare's in the hospital. . .?”

“Oh. . .I thinks he maybes have guitar exhaustion again.” Toki mentally pat himself on the back for coming up with that so quickly. Had no news venues caught wind of the arrest? “He has beens playing pretty hards.”

“Heh, good point. And dood, whet's this city he's been hospitalized in? I thaught you guys were goin' to Gothenburg? I always remember thet name.”

“We cames up to visits his mom.” Toki hated lying to Pickles, but what else could he do? Before it went too far, he needed to end the call. If he broke to Pickles that he hadn't even gone in the first place, the truth would quickly reveal itself. “I haves to go, though. We's both doings fine, thanks for callings.”

Toki had to believe that for his sanity's sake, upon hanging up. He didn't even care if Pickles saw right through his bullshit, since at least all their texts ceased rolling in. It was a waiting game, with Skwisgaar. At the very least, Toki needed to apologize for his shortness. The mental image of his boyfriend curled up into a ball in that shitty black leather hospital chair haunted Toki completely; getting mad would help nothing. If Skwisgaar killed his mother and was this shook up, he needed support. Another disapproving figure would only pile on the stress for something Skwisgaar couldn't fix.

A long-awaited knock at his door launched Toki up from the bed. Whatever the general mood surrounding he and Charles' impromptu flight to Sundsvall, Toki smiled to see him. “Haves you talked to the hospital at all?”

“I have.” Hesitation injected nerves into Toki all over again. “The police, as well. It's unlikely he'll remain in Sundsvall. Due to the crime's brutality—not to mention that he'll remain on suicide watch—they want to transfer him to a higher-security facility.”

“Where's he goings?”

“Stockholm, more than likely. Which I'm okay with. He might be calmer away from here, and he'll receive rounder treatment somewhere larger.” Charles sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as Toki closed the door upon his admittance. “Bail isn't a concept this side of the ocean. They won't release him until his court date, either. . .aside from his mental state, he's a flight risk. Frankly, I doubt that he'd be granted any sort of lenience even if this happened on American soil.”

“So. . .what ares you sayings?” Toki clutched his phone to the base of his sternum. “He isn'ts coming home with us?”

“I'm afraid not. Not now, anyway. If by some miracle of God he gets downsized from a murder charge. . .that's about the best I can do. Even manslaughter will get him at least six years in prison. I need to talk to Skwisgaar again, and make sure he understands all this.”

“Ares you going back to the hospital?” Toki needed to talk to Skwisgaar too. If this were all true, they had a lot to discuss about the personal repercussions. It couldn't sink in for Toki yet that he might not get to live with Skwisgaar for the next number of years. He'd taken not only that for granted, but that he'd get to see the man every single day. Even a week away from him slated to be torture; how the hell would Toki _survive_ this?

“Not until tomorrow, probably. He's still not very talkative, so I don't see much a point in continuing to prod him.” Charles assumed the desk chair, prompting Toki to sit, as well. “There's so much to do. I need to talk to the other boys about this, as well as the record label. Aside from one of you dying, this is probably the worst thing that could've happened.”

“God, don'ts mention that,” Toki groaned. “This is so scary to me. I don'ts know who I talked to earlier at the hospital, but that wasn't the Skwisgaar I knows.”

“It's a startling contrast, which makes me apprehensive to hear his side of things, however necessary as his legal counsel.”

“I hopes he'll tell me. He. . .isn'ts always great about sharings whats is goings on in his life.”

“Hm. . .about that.” Charles readjusted his glasses with an averted gaze. “He ah, was pretty upset by what you said to him.”

“I's going to apolgesize.” Shame returned to Toki, bending his spine. “I didn'ts mean it. I was just mads.”

“He's decided he won't take visits from you.”

“What?” Not that Toki blamed him, but come on! “That's stupids, How cans he turns me away?”

“I think it'll change once he calms down, but for now, I wouldn't push him.”

“You'll tells him to reconsider it, right?”

“I. . .don't wish to get involved with your personal life, but I'll see what I can do, yes.”

Toki felt bad, sitting in his mother's hotel room in Stockholm, for all the grief he'd caused Charles over the past year. The man truly did give his all in keeping Dethklok together, whether that meant as a band or as individual messes. Perhaps Charles allowed all the temper tantrums and personal jabs slide like water off a duck's back, but even the most stoic of heroes needed validation once in a while. As result, rather than return to his own room right away after departing from his mother's, Toki swung down a floor.

He hadn't considered what he would say when Charles' face appeared, but habit overtook anyway. Shock in form of tension received his bone-crushing hug, followed by an awkward pat on the back. “Ah, what's this for?”

“Thanks you. I owes you a big one.” Aware Charles wasn't all too big on physical contact, Toki relinquished. Sure enough, he'd flustered the other man enough to necessitate a cleared throat. “You been so goods to old Toki through all of this, and alls I's been is a little shit. I owe you so much, and probablies an apology for takings my stress out on you. Well, I guess I owes _everyone_ that. . .”

“I'm just doing my job, Toki.” Regardless, Charles smiled. “Are you and the other boys heading out soon?”

“I's not sure. I beens texting, but no one's respondings yet. Is stills a bit earlier than I expecteds to go, but wouldn'ts they be up by now?” With eight o'clock approaching, had they perhaps changed their mind? Toki could've have a nap by now, if he knew they'd take their sweet time. “Oh wells. Whats are _you_ doing tonights, anyway? You don'ts have to be in court in the morning, so why don'ts you come out with us?”

“Ah. . .no thank you. After the last two weeks, I'd much rather take some BC Powder and turn in for the night.”

“We's apparently going pretty hards. You mights be best to stays out of our way, then.” Toki chuckled. “I'll make sures that we don'ts fuck up too much, so you don'ts have to clean it up tomorrow.”

“I don't worry about that. What about mixing with your medication, though? You should be more careful.”

“Graveworms told me that on this stuff, I can drink sociallies, and just nots very often or to excess. Livings in Norway has turneds me into a lightweights, anyway. I can'ts hold it like I used to, so gives me a dozen beer and I's fucking wasted.”

“Well. . .just be careful, all right Toki? And thanks for stopping in.”

Clearing the air between himself and Charles was a good step in Toki's newfound quest for atonement. He didn't get to the aftermath of Skwisgaar's arrest in his testimony, but considering how the already-dying flame of their relationship was snuffed out, what room did Toki have in his life for holding grudges? What if something happened, like when Skwisgaar refused to see him in Sundsvall, and Toki lost the chance to make up for whatever stupid act he'd last committed? Words left unspoken created havoc in both life and mind; when could Toki reasonably expect to actually be _over_ Skwisgaar? Leaving their end unofficial easily translated to them still remaining together, if only by a thread. Maybe it would be in Toki's best interest to go visit Skwisgaar in prison, once he was sentenced. He could finally get some much-needed closure.

Then again. . .what if he fell into the same trap he always did? This cycle had to end, where he'd swear Skwisgaar off and then a single glance from the other man would have Toki back on his knees. They'd given being together a whirl, and apparently that was never supposed to happen, no matter how much they cared about each other. Their respective damages undermined everything else; one of them heading for prison hammered the final nail in the coffin. Could Toki swallow his feelings long enough to face Skwisgaar again? What about after that stunt he pulled in the courtroom? Did that mean Skwisgaar still felt the same way? Was he willing to give this another shot, no matter what distance circumstance and consequence put between them?

Maybe it was just best to carry on down the road he'd so far travelled; just get busy enough for the face he'd mapped out with both eyes and mouth, in light and dark alike, to disappear. Toki would one day forget how long, thin fingers carved signatures into his skin. He would quit catching phantom whiffs as he went about his day, and quit glancing a second body in his bed if he woke up in the middle of the night. Like a griever he'd reminisce on their happier moments and celebrate the life they had, rather than mourn the future they lost. And one day, he'd find peace in that when the heavy crown upon his head clattered against the floor. He only needed to gather the strength to pry it off and toss it aside.

Toki's phone vibrated on the bed beside him when he contemplated drifting off for a short while. It caught him in the final fall before sleep, ensuring he felt rested when he rolled onto his stomach in order to parse out Nathan's vague text.

_'Were not going out 2nite jsyk'_

_'We arent? I thot u guys wanted 2 party? I finished my testimony...'_

_'Thats what charles said. Cool.'_

_'So...no party?'_

_'No. I figured instead that maybe u and i should pal around on our own. Sound good?'_

Given the lingering tension between them, Toki had no idea what good could possibly come from it. Still, he tapped out a favourable response. _'Sure. Where do u wanna meet?'_


	99. Humility

As per Nathan's suggestion, Toki changed into the swimming shorts he'd yet to unpack and stepped into the elevator intent for the hot tub. The pool area evidently cleared out, thwarting the notion of meeting in a public place; Toki met a stream of towel-wrapped people, some of which weren't against glancing him over. The resultant smirk and puff of the chest carried him into a humid room where his footsteps turned into sharp little patters echoing against the wall. Nathan and a couple klokateers beat him, the former of which had already settled with a drink.

“Hellos.” Toki obscured his nerves, dropping his towel beside Nathan's and stepping into the hot tub. Nathan already sat here long enough for sweat to dot his forehead.

“Beer?”

“Maybes one, sure.”

Toki both feared and hoped that Nathan had an agenda. Which would be more awkward, the silence resultant of how little they had to say to one another, or if he got cornered and mad dogged? At least, should the latter occur, Toki would make his mind up on the spot about whether or not he returned to the States. As little he actually wanted more abuse coming his way, he was almost disappointed that Nathan didn't make it that easy for him. In fact, the other man actually emanated a calm energy tonight.

“So you're all finished, huh?”

“Yeps.” Toki accepted the smoking bottle back from the klokateer that opened it for him. “Tooks a lot out of me. Honestlies, I's a little glad that we aren'ts going out tonight. Talkings about when me and Skwisgaar were gones in such detail, and then rights up to when he gots arrested was too much to does, in only three days.”

“You didn't have to talk about afterward?”

Toki shook his head. “Skwisgaar woulds has givens his account, and I didn't really sees all too much except that one time in the hospital. Charles mentioned once that there woulds be nurses, doctors, and police officers that would talks about what he's been like since he gots arrested.”

“So you're probably not sure what the outcomes gonna be, huh?”

“No ideas. I still don'ts know if he gots pinned with murder or manslaughter, but it don'ts really matter. Howevers easy or hard the court goes on hims, he's in for at least six years.”

“Right,” Nathan stated under his breath. He nodded while he thought, then sipped his beer. When his and Toki's gazes met, Toki averted his. “You and I got some shit to talk about.”

Even spared of Nathan's usual aggressive undertone, Toki grew nervous. “We does?”

“Are you still leaving for Norway in the morning?”

“I was plannings on it, ja.”

“Would you at least think about staying until the verdict comes back?”

If Nathan demanded it, Toki could so easily say no. He picked at the label on his beer with his thumbnail, instead deriving from the fact that his mother was ready to leave, for strength. “I have stuffs to do. I needs to get goings on the house.”

“You're going to have years to get that finished. What's the rush?”

Toki couldn't summon an answer, and the longer he went without, the deeper Nathan's gaze drilled into him. He felt completely exposed, in the way that no one but Nathan and his own father could ever accomplish. All his thoughts were scrawled against the inside of his skull, and only a special kind of x-ray vision could read them. Further proving that, Nathan sent any icy wash through Toki's insides with his next question.

“You're thinking of quitting, aren't you?”

Toki's first impulse was to lie. What good would it do, though? Where had lying ever gotten him? Besides, Nathan seemed pretty level and relaxed, and without the other guys around, he wouldn't be so quick toward hostility. “Nots much of a point in stayings, without Skwisgaar. No hims, no band.”

“That's not exactly true. We're still a band, just not active.”

“It's just not the sames there, and nots because we dated,” Toki tacked on. “We needs him for Mordhaus to feels right. Is nevers right there, whenever one of us goes. Remembers last time he did? Was a disasters.”

“I know what you're trying to say, and uh. . .oh god.” Nathan looked torn between throwing up and drinking his beer. He chose to down the latter. “I've, uh. . .I've been a pretty big asshole, since all that shit happened.”

“Ja.” Toki was ready to bolt, should blood puke arise before words. “But you don'ts have to says it. I cans kinda tell what you goings for.”

“No, this is important, goddamn it. We're already losing Skwisgaar, I don't wanna lose _you_ , too.”

“It's not worths it to apolgesize to me if you don'ts mean it. Ifs you only sayings this because you wants me to comes back to Mordhaus, then I don'ts want it anyway. You _haves_ been a dick, and thats _is_ a big reason why I's tired of this whole thing. It's nots even just because of that, though. I's just. . .readies to do something else. I's been in Dethklok for halfs my life now, and for maybes even a couples year too long.”

“I didn't ask you to meet so that I could beg you to stay. Come on Toki, I'm not dumb. You think I haven't suspected this? I don't even know that the rest of us haven't thought the same thing. I mean, what _is_ the point, without Skwisgaar? Our lyrical content will always be the same, but the music? There's no replacing that dildo.” Nathan paused. “I just want to make sure that if you _do_ quit, you're not quitting us, too. I know I'm an asshole. I know I've _been_ an asshole. But fuck man, we go way the hell back. Even if we haven't always gotten along, you're like a little brother to me. Think of the shit we've been through together. Are you really ready to throw that away?”

“I am if it's only goings to drag me down. I's done with anchors in my life, and ja, we beens through a lot of shit together, but I's been through evens more because of you.”

“That's why I'm trying to say. . .” It still wouldn't come. “I can't take that shit back. If I could, I'd rather do it that way because talking like this is too fucking brutal for me to handle. It's shitty that everything always either fell on you or we put it on you. We weren't any good when your dad died, we never wanted to celebrate anything with you, we never wanted to pal around, and we waited until it was almost too late to get you back from Magnus. We let you down, over and over again. We took you for granted.”

“You haves the exact same problem that I used to haves with Skwisgaar,” Toki realized. “You talks about _we_ , not _me_. We's not talking about Pickle and Moidaface rights now, so why you puts it that way? I knows you all lets me down, but they's apolgesized in their owns way for those things. I nevers get nothing from just _you_. You cans apolgesize to Pickle, but why nots me? I's way more forgivings than him. I can sees that you mean this, and is no ones but us down here. Why is this so hards?”

“I dunno, man.”

“Dids no one ever apolgesize to _you?_ Your moms or dads?”

Nathan shrugged. “What does it matter?”

“You thinks is weak to apolgesize, don'ts you?” So Toki had picked up from all the years he saw Twinkletits, anyway. “Because the peoples that never apolgesized to you acted so tough, and you wanteds to be tough like them. But reallies, no matters how tough you are, you can'ts even do this. So maybes it takes a really bigs man to be able to look someone else in the eye and go 'hey, I fuckeds up and I feels really bads about it. I woulds please likes you to forgive me.'”

“Oh god Toki, don't say that. It sounds so stupid.”

“Why? Maybes is true.”

“Yeah, and that's probably why. It's so simple, it's stupid.”

“So whats is holdings you back? Nathans, I seen you cry, I seen you pees your pants, I seens you puke blood because you wanteds to apolgesize to Pickle. Is its because you sees Pickle as a peers, but nots me? I's just the little guy in the band, so what does it matters?”

“It isn't that. . .I dunno, Toki. Seems for most things, my life story is too little, too late.”

“So then quits it. I's gonna tells you, Nathan, lifes like that sucks. I have so manies regrets, so many things I wish I coulds has said to people. I probablies even haves that to blame for why me and Skwisgaar aren'ts together anymore. Just imagines you said somethings you didn't mean to Abigail, and then somethings happened to her. How woulds you feel?”

“Dude, don't even talk like that.” Nathan's shoulders hunched as he went into a deeper sulk. “Like shit, how _wouldn't_ that tear you apart?”

“There isn'ts a day that I don'ts think about it, and I don'ts know how much longers is goings to take until I stops. I mights never. I was evens considering going to visit Skwisgaar in prison so thats we could officially breaks up. But, thinkings about that now, is a pretty shitties thing to do. Just. . .'hey, hasn't seens you in almost eight months, by the way, just in case it wasn'ts clear, we aren'ts together. Sees ya.'”

Nathan laughed mirthlessly. “Yeah, that'd be a dick move.”

“And I'm scareds that if I talks to him again, it'll just brings all those feelings back,” Toki admitted. “I wants to be over him, but it isn'ts easy. I couldn'ts even help it when he was onlies a dick to me. Thanks goodness that changed, or else this woulds be a whole other level of pathetics.”

“It's not pathetic, Toki. You loved someone and that fell apart. I'd be just as fucked up.”

Toki smiled. “Well. . .at least you cans admit that.”

“It's like I said, if something every happened with me and Abigail? I've only known her for a couple years. You've known Skwisgaar for. . .well, half your life. Even if you guys weren't dating that whole time, that's a lot of build-up for _this_ to happen. It's disappointing.”

“It is, and that's what I's trying to gets over too, just as much if nots more than getting over Skwisgaar himself. I loves him, and I'll _always_ loves him. This disappointments, though? Thats and the regret and unfinished business is what I'm still reelings over. But what cans I do abouts it, other than tries to accept it? Once I does, then maybes I'll be free.”

“You got a long time to figure it out anyway, before he comes knocking at your door.”

“I wish I coulds be happy about that.”

“Yeah, still kinda hard to, when it's this fresh.”

Toki eyed Nathan with slight suspicion as he finished off his beer. This was such a startling contrast to the belittling, pushy asshole he dealt with for the past nine months or so. He inclined to believe this attitude didn't actually originate from Nathan, but Toki had known the man long enough to be able to tell when he lied; lack of shifty eyes, nervous demeanour, and inconsistencies stated otherwise. “I don'ts really know what to say, but thanks you. Is nice that you get its.”

“It's why I'm garbage for being so shitty to you, this past year. I mean, even before Skwisgaar got arrested, I could've been less of a dick. It wasn't fair to blame you for everything that went wrong with the band. It was beyond any of our control. I just. . .no, I'm not going to try and rationalize it. I've been doing that since last spring, and look where it's gotten me. My lead guitarist is heading to prison and my rhythm guitarist is going to quit. At this point, it's not about the band. It's about family, and keeping that together. I can live without the band, but I can't live without any of you assholes.”

“Ifs things get better between us, then I don't sees no reasons against it. I's okay with Pickle and Moidaface. I'll always be friends with thems. You? This last year. . .if we weren'ts having this conversation right now, and it never cames up before I tolds you I quit, then that would probablies be it. I's had it with assholes in my life. I onlies want to surround myself with people that are goods for me.”

“Well. . .I'm sorry,” Nathan bit out before it could recede again. A grimace, as though he'd been kicked in the balls, followed. “Shit's gotten out of hand. This is, uh. . .hard to say, but it's not the same without you at Mordhaus. You and Skwisgaar gone again's been a bitch.”

“What are we evens going to do, downs the road when we can'ts afford Mordhaus anymore?”

“I. . .don't want to think about that, right now. Do what _you_ did, I guess. Find a place to hole up.”

“Wowie.” Even though Toki and Skwisgaar no longer resided at Mordhaus, Toki couldn't imagine the other three guys branching out. Would Nathan move back to Florida? Pickles, to Wisconsin? Damn, that hit Toki harder than he expected possible. In the back of his mind, he always knew that he could go back to Mordhaus if he wanted. The choice was a comfort. However, to let it become another ghost in the past?

“Anyway, coming back to what I wanted to meet you for,” Nathan spoke again, over the jets. “I can't stop you from heading for Norway when the rest of us go home, but why don't you stay until the verdict? We can all pal around for a few days. We won't be able to as often, when this is all over.”

He could still leave anytime he wanted, Toki reminded himself. If this was too good to be true—if Nathan merely manipulated him—then his escape was a couple hours' worth of travel away. “I'll haves to talk to my moms, see if she wants to stay or goes home.”

“That's a yes?”

“For nows, ja. Untils you opens your fat mouth and fucks up again.”

“I'll take that,” Nathan decided. “I should text the other guys and let them know. Maybe we'll party tonight, after all. 'Skinda worth it, now.”

Toki bumped his fist to Nathan's, smiling despite his reservations. Truth be told, he _did_ hope Nathan could keep his act together. It pained Toki, to be so isolated from his friends just because of one single cancer in the group. “Cools. Tells them to gets into their shorts, too.” 


	100. Onward

A splash in the pool and waves large enough to clap over the edge had Pickles bracing himself against his floatation device. The fruity cocktail he enjoyed was held aloft as Murderface's head broke the surface. “Dood, git the fuck outta here!”

“If you wanna drink, go schit in the hot tub with thosche other ladiesch! I'm schwimming here!”

“The only reason yer swimmin' is because I'm tryn'a float.”

“That'sch ridiculousch.”

“As soon as I go 'n' sit wid Nate'n 'n' Tokee yer gonna quit. I know it.”

Sure enough; Pickles gave up shortly after, as another attempted dive turned into a bellyflop for Murderface. Pickles had barely settled beside Nathan before Murderface, his gut red, dripped at the hot tub's edge; Pickles held him at bay with his foot.

“Picklesch, quit it, you're pulling on my chescht hair!”

“Oh yeeuh, how's _thet_ feel?” Pickles clutched some by curling his toes.

“Fuck you! I'll schit over here by Toki.”

Toki inclined to laugh at anything tonight, once he'd gotten a good buzz. He truly _had_ missed his friends, and while he'd palled around with them on and off since arriving in Stockholm, it hadn't been this easy in a long time. It still felt strange without Skwisgaar, but Toki had run long enough from redefining Dethklok's dynamic to avoid it any longer. With several months' time to at least accustom to the _idea_ that their group would from then on be a four-piece, this didn't hurt as much as when Toki first faced it in the spring. The phantom of Stockholm then, when Toki first arrived with Charles as Skwisgaar's transfer went through, still lingered under a blanket of sadness.

The shock of his boyfriend landing in jail was underscored by his arrest finally leaking to the press on the second day that Toki spent in Sundsvall. He was at least spared the other guys' company after explaining everything to Pickles over the phone. No, he didn't think they should come. They shouldn't see Skwisgaar like this. Give it some time, and we'll see what happens. Two days following that, not much had changed except for the city Toki, Skwisgaar, and Charles occupied.

Skwisgaar still wouldn't see him, which served dual purpose of depressing and pissing off Toki. Those battling emotions left him exhausted, yet neither would relent as he waited, day after day, for Charles to deliver news that Skwisgaar got over himself. However, Toki forgot how stubborn Skwisgaar could be.

His phone went off, Saturday evening: _'ok so were comin that way. No point going home if u guys r stuck in sweden'_

_'Pickle just...dont. Its a shit show'_

_'we should still b there tho'_

Even when they arrived, Toki kept to himself. He now knew how Skwisgaar felt, that it was too embarrassing to face anyone. After admitting to Pickles that a fight kept him and Skwisgaar from vacationing together and that Skwisgaar now refused to speak with him, Toki hesitated to show his face. After everything he'd been through—after everything he'd put the _band_ through—he knew exactly what kind of accusing glares he'd receive from his bandmates. He wasn't wrong, either; the unspoken words Nathan's furrowed brow and curled lip fixed Toki with stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Hey, Toki,” Nathan snapped him back to the present. “What do you say?”

“Uhh, abouts what?”

“Pool. There's a pretty good table, here. Not as big as the one at Mordhaus, but that should make it more fun. We could clean some chumps out of their money.”

“Do people still do thats? And in a hotels as fancy as this one?”

“Dude, who would miss a chance to play pool with _Dethklok?_ Especially if we made it seem like we'd hand over thousands of dollars to them if we lost.”

“No ones else is as rich as us, so how would we evens get that money from them?”

Motive struck as deeply in Nathan's past as Toki's; with the air clearer between them, Toki could see better the first outings he ever took with the other man. Nathan drug him, night after night, to a biker bar down the street. Toki didn't understand why, after the bartender tossed him out once already, why Nathan kept trying. At least now, so long as Toki didn't touch any liquor, the man would merely glare over once in a while from where he carried out his duties. Toki learned to ignore him, choosing instead to trace his fingers over the downy chin hairs that slowly turned into stubble with each fresh shave. He really wanted to caress Skwisgaar's cheeks, to see if he was as baby-faced as he portrayed himself to be. The swarm of butterflies that assaulted Toki's stomach every time Skwisgaar was around had yet to be explained.

Nathan worked on hustling the same guys he'd lost to last week, a couple burly guys with less height though greater width than the jacked-up kid they totally obliterated. Their buddies sitting around the nearest table chortled with each new fumbled shot. All jeered Nathan, as his face grew longer and more worrisome. Breaking from that, as they all clinked glasses and pored over the money they'd so far extracted, Nathan winked in Toki's direction. Tonight, as far as Toki could understand, it all meant to turn back around in their favour.

Sure enough, they granted Nathan one more game. Toki grinned as he downed every single ball with little effort, necessitating the others to stare on with lost mirth. Rather than fork over the funds, as promised, Toki leapt up as tables flipped and fists started flying. Having none of it and looking for a fight just as much as the situation left him no other choice, Toki planted his fist in the nearest bearded face and made his way inward to Nathan. With pounding, achy knuckles—Nathan's bled—they admired their handiwork. The last punch of the night, before Toki never saw the inside of that bar again, came to his shoulder.

“Good job, kid.” He recognized those words, from the few shows they'd played since Toki was admitted to the band. “You did good.”

Naturally, Toki's favourite part of the night came later, when Skwisgaar shooed his lays out so that he could admonish Toki in Swedish and broken English about the state of his hands. Then, he earned shit for grinning ear to ear. How could he feel bad though, through being handled? Fifteen years later, Toki tried instead to concentrate on the favour he'd obtained from Nathan that night. The atmosphere between them felt rejuvenated, reset; maybe, like the band as a whole, they would start over too.

Occupying the hot tub wasn't like the first time they all sat together in Toki's hotel room at least, when the band made the jump from Tokyo to Stockholm. No one spoke then, preferring to sit in silence as they individually ruminated on what Skwisgaar's arrest meant for the dynamic they'd worked years to establish. Given long enough, any sort of change became tolerable.

“I dunno, I guess it's like when we got rid'a Magnus,” Pickles stated when Toki made a comment on it. “It's different, but. . .we thaught that would last ferever too. Terned out he was fuckin' crazy, ya know? But if I'm gonna take anything from all this, it's that Skwisgare was too.”

“Only difference is Magnus attacked _us_ , not his mom. God, I still can't really believe that. Hey Toki, did you ever find out if it was true?” Nathan directed at him, “How he did it? Did he seriously slice her to pieces?”

“I's not sure.” Charles managed to keep it restrained to rumour, but Toki _had_ seen the bloodstains in Skwisgaar's hair. It could've just been splatter, but _that_ much?

“Dood, how come we don't even know this stuff? Why's Charlie been keepin' this from us? Does he think we'd blab to everyone?”

“Yeah, it'sch brutal!” Murderface interjected. “If I schlaughtered schomeone, I'd want you guysch to know!”

“Does we have to talks about this?” Toki hoped Skwisgaar wouldn't come up tonight, but how could he ever be avoided in conversation? At least when Skwisgaar was here, his quiet energy sufficed. He almost weighed more on the air when gone.

“You weren't around when that other dildo went.” Murderface accepted a fresh beer. “Schinsche you were the new kid, you never had to worry about figuring out what it'd be like with a new rhythm guitarischt. You juscht had to pick up where Magnusch left off.”

“And learns how to speak English, fits in with you guys, plays well enough by Skwisgaar's standards. . .”

“Least none of you guys got stabbed. Check that out.” Nathan indicated the scar on his shoulder, then faltered. “Oh. . .right. Sorry, Toki.”

“Whatsever. I shoulds has never trusted him.”

“He's pritty good at makin' people trust him, isn' he? Ehh. . . _was_ good. Shit, it's weird to think the dood actually killed himself.”

“I don'ts really want to talks about Magnus anymores than I wanna talk about Skwisgaar, if is okays with you guys.”

“Jest thinkin' about all the crazies we weeded out.” Pickles clapped him on the shoulder. “I don' mean to shit on Skwisgare, I mean, he'll always be a brother to me, but. . .maybe we'll be better off wid just the four of us, given enough time. We're all pritty level-headed, reet?”

Murderface shrugged. “I dunno, bro. . .I don't wanna get all gay, but schometimesch I missch Schkwischgaar. You dildosch won't argue with me asch much. And you're all too big of pusschiesch to watch horror moviesch with me.”

“This ain't about missin' him or anything, I'm jest sayin'. Things'll be calm. Ehh. . .not that they wouldn't be already, since we can't even do anything as a band anymore. I miss him too, don' get me wrong. But we can't live the next twenty years or so like a bunch of sad humps goin', hey? Remember thet guy thet used to hang around here? Remember when it was never really silent, because he was always playing thet stupid guitare?”

“Fucking hell Pickles, shut the fuck up.” Nathan frowned determinedly. “Remember when we weren't going to do this anymore? Don't talk about him like he's fucking dead, he's just not _here_ , is all.”

“Whet's the fuckin' difference?”

Toki was wrong; the dynamic hadn't changed, since he left Mordhaus. He shouldn't have expected it, for how _could_ it be any different when he'd just left the three of them to hang? Sure, they'd readjusted to life without both him _and_ Skwisgaar, but his returned presence set them all back to square one. He truly couldn't run from this, no matter how hard he tried.

“Scho you talked to your mom?”

“Ja, she's goings home early in the morning. I's not goings to Norway with her, but I saids I would rides with her to the airport.”

“Are you going to bed schoon, then?”

“No. . .for somethings like that, I don'ts really care if I's junk.” Toki smiled. “I's havings a good time with you guys, evens if you keeps talking about things I really don'ts want to.”

“Fuck that,” Murderface waved him off. “You do that whole rock-talk thing, don't you? That'sch all that isch, isch talking about schit you don't want to.”

“Trues, but. . .I don'ts want to talks about it with you guys. You just thinks is gay to have feelings.”

“Dood, we're kinda past thet. Seven months widdout you 'n' Skwisgare around? Ain't been much fuckin' else to talk about.”

Toki shrugged. “I still don'ts trust it. You puts me through sixteen years of teasings for havings feelings. I can'ts just goes into that on command, anymore.”

“Not gonna lie, you started cryin' right now? Ya'd prahbly get teased.” Pickles grinned crookedly. “Moderation, thet's the key.”

“It'sch okay to admit you missch schomeone,” Murderface said. “I mean, it'sch like I schaid. I missch doing schit with that guy. I missched doing schit with _you_ , when you left for Norway. Schpeaking of which, you missched schome really good schows on Veteransch day.”

“Dids I?” Toki recalled getting the texts, but he was too busy installing windows to either reply or seek out the shows Murderface referred him to. “Is too bads. Next Novembers, maybe.”

“There'sch plenty to schee between now and then, if you're coming back to Mordhausch.”

“We'll sees how long it take, to gets this house finished.”

While Pickles and Murderface reacquainted with their drinks, Nathan and Toki's gazes met. Despite the open-ended lie, he earned a small nod. Toki immediately saw the strategy, that the guys would lure him back to Mordhaus by showing him what he missed, by proving things could be better, but it didn't bother Toki. So long as it was all true, what did it matter?

“But evens if I wasn'ts done by then,” Toki added as an afterthought, “who says there aren'ts times that I coulds just comes and pals around for a while?”


	101. He Stays, He Goes

Toki barely left his hotel room when Skwisgaar's transfer went through to Stockholm, unwilling to face Charles, the band, or even the public at large. Charles had closed any discussions regarding Skwisgaar so that he could concentrate on building his case, which translated to no news that Skwisgaar slated to change his mind about seeing Toki. He'd rejected the rest of the band as well, which landed more weight on Toki's shoulders. Nathan, he couldn't stand to be around anymore. After insinuating through every glance, curl of the lip, and change in vocal intonation that this was all Toki's fault, Toki couldn't help but feel that perhaps he was right.

He hoped Charles came with good news when a knock sounded at the door, but no, Pickles stood before him instead. Ashamed at how shitty he looked and how terribly he probably smelled, Toki rubbed his face. “Hey, Pickle.”

“Hey, dood. Mind if I come in?”

Toki retreated inward, leaving Pickles to close the door behind him. In hopes that it would make the room look a little homelier, Toki opened the blinds. The sunlight only illuminated the mess untouched by maids, since Toki wouldn't leave the room long enough for them to come in and do their job. Thankfully, Pickles didn't bat an eyelash; his room at Mordhaus never looked much different.

“How ya doin'?”

“Shitties, but thanks for askings.”

Pickles rubbed his arms while gazing at the muted television. “So. . .we're all headin' home soon.”

“Rights.” Toki received the text message late last night, but couldn't summon the energy to respond.

“And, well. . .ya know. There ain't much we kin do here. We haven't even seen the dood. Far as Charlie's concerned, he's goin' to jail fer now and we gotta wait on a court date.” Pickles paused. “You kin always change yer mind later, but are ya comin' or stayin'?”

“I don'ts know. I don'ts want to goes, because what if he change his mind? What if he want to sees me? I don'ts want to have to wait untils I gets back across the ocean before I can goes down there.”

“How long are ya willin' to wait around for that, though? It's bin over two weeks, dood.”

Tears welled in Toki's eyes. “I don'ts want to leave him, Pickle—”

“It ain't leavin' him, okee? There just comes a point where ya gotta start thinkin' about things from _his_ perspective. He don' wanna see any of us. He's goin' through somethin' that none of us could _dream_ to understand. We gotta give him some space, regardless of what our feelings are, or whet we think is best. When he's ready to see ya, he'll say so. Then you kin come back.”

“But whats is the difference, if we's at Mordhaus or here?” Toki's voice rose in octave, though dwindled in strength. “We nots gonna be doing anythings different back home. Whens we're here, he knows we's here for _him_.”

“Ya know whet it's like though, when ya need space. Sometimes, even when the people tryin' ta support you aren't within your sight, you kin still feel smothered.” Pickles sat down beside Toki on the bed. “Besides, ya gotta think about yerself, too. I bin watchin' ya deflate, kid. Everyday ya spend here is takin' more outta ya. Ya can't do this to yerself. You just sit in here, day in and day out. It ain't good. Sad as it sounds, you can't put yer life on hold fer this guy. Ya gotta take care of yerself before you kin take care of _him_.”

“I can'ts take care of him anyways. He won'ts let me.” The muscles in the lower half of Toki's cheeks tightened with grief. “I don'ts know. I thinks about it.”

In present day Stockholm, Toki drug himself out of bed with just as much difficulty. Instead of misery weighing his bones, fatigue merely attacked his eyelids. He closed his eyes as he stood before the toilet, then fumbled into some clothes. He thought his alarm went off again, but his mother's picture on the lock screen forced some function out of his brain. “Ja.”

“I'm just about ready to head down to the garage. Are you still coming?”

“Just getting dressed. I'll meet you there, if you like.”

Staying up until nearly two o'clock with the other guys made for a rough start the next morning, when dawn had yet to even show its face over the city. Idly, as Toki grabbed a quick coffee before carrying on deeper beneath the hotel, he reflected upon his last departure from Stockholm and how perhaps the closure he failed to receive that time around might be obtained here. Getting back in with his friends helped, but Toki appreciated Nathan convincing him to stay for the verdict. That at least closed a tangible door on Skwisgaar, and outlined a definite future for Toki to build off. When Toki last left Stockholm, he'd busted into fractions of his former self. Since then, Toki retrieved all the pieces; he was still a puzzle though, in need of solving. Some parts didn't fit anymore, and every once in a while, Toki broke again. Maybe now, with his story out and told, he possessed glue strong enough to hold himself together.

“Good morning, my little son.” Even though Anja's bag had been placed in the trunk, she stood beside the limousine door waiting for him. Toki accepted a hug and kiss on the cheek before sliding into the vehicle. Right now, literally all he cared about was the hot, bitter drink warming him from his stomach outward.

“Excited to head back?” he asked. “I'm sorry this wasn't a more exciting trip for you.”

“No need to apologize, Toki. I didn't come to have fun, I came to support you.”

“Well. . .I appreciate it.”

“I'm quite capable of entertaining myself, anyway. All those years without television and internet come in handy, sometimes.”

“Ja, but at home you can at least go outside to do something.”

“Do you think I confined myself to my hotel room, while I was here?”

Toki shrugged with a smile. “I hope not. I hope you made Stockholm worth visiting.”

“Of course I did. Stop feeling responsible for me.” Anja pat his knee. “Now, you know I'm going to ask.”

“Hm?”

“You were so dead-set on coming home as soon as possible. What changed your mind?”

“It's. . .kind of a long story. I guess to put it simply, I found a little bit of gas at the bottom of the tank. I had a good time with the guys last night, and they really wanted me to stay until the verdict comes back.”

“What about what we talked about, before?”

“About me quitting?” After a moment of thought, Toki shrugged. “I don't know. When they're like this, I can see myself going back to Mordhaus when I'm finished building the house. Would that upset you?”

“Mm. . .ja and no. I'd miss you, but I can't hold you against your will.”

“It'd be easier to keep in contact, at least. No more snail mail. I can call you, and we could Skype.”

“You'll have to show me how to do that. I've only overheard you using it, before.”

“You won't feel like I'm ditching you, right? Or that I'm stupid, for going back to them?”

“Honestly, I think you know what's best for you. You aren't a blind follower, by any means. If they go back to treating you badly, or you're truly not ready to return to Dethklok—or even Mordhaus—then you'll do what's right for you. Either way, I'm not going anywhere. My door is always open to you, and whether I see your face out my kitchen window or on that computer screen, I'm okay. I only want you to be happy, my little son.”

“I kind of feel like _I'd_ be stupid, to go back to them so rashly,” Toki admitted, though smiled at his mother's words. “I'm just staying until the verdict for now, then I'm coming to Lillehammer. Whether or not I'm on good terms with them, I still have unfinished business. I need to finish that house. I can't just leave it like that, abandoned on the shoreline.”

“I'm sure those klokateers would finish it, if you had to leave.”

“No. . .even then, this is something I want to accomplish. I've never really felt in my life like something I created was finished, you know? Everything's always open-ended, like the band or my relationship with Skwisgaar. Just when I think I have something concrete in my hands, it slips through my fingers. I'm so sick of that. At least if I build this house, that's it. There isn't no next album to rush into, or the ability for it to dissipate before my eyes. It's there, it's mine, and all I have to do is maintain it.”

“This is true,” Anja agreed. “I feel like the next few weeks are going to be very good for you, just from staying longer in Stockholm. You'll mend some of your friendships, you'll get some closure on Skwisgaar, and then you'll be hard back at work with a lighter mind.”

It would certainly be easier, once all those weights lifted off his shoulders. Truth be told, Toki was still a little scared to let go of Skwisgaar. He'd been such a large part of Toki's life, that he feared excising him would leave a form unrecognizable. Then again, Toki survived this long without him. It hurt, yes, but it was possible. While he didn't feel all too much further than he was seven months ago, progress _had_ been made. He'd broken free of his and Skwisgaar's unhealthy codependence and started the process of defining himself as his own person. Pretty soon, as those holes filled in, Skwisgaar's malignancy would merely shed off like dead skin.

At the airport, Toki took the chore of dragging his mother's suitcase to the check-in point. He accepted another hug after handing it over. “You take care of yourself, and I'll see you in a few days.”

“Thanks, Mor. You too.”

“I heard mention that Abigail was coming to visit, soon?”

“She's arriving sometime tomorrow.” Toki hadn't even thought about that, last night. Excitement coiled in his stomach, for too long _had_ passed since he and Abigail visited in the flesh.

“Would you tell her I said hello?”

Certain what was on his mother's mind, given her track record, Toki rolled his eyes with a smile. “I'll tell her you said hello.”

Seven months prior, as Toki stared at the barely-disturbed items in his suitcase, he had no idea what to do with himself. One version of himself returned to the hotel bed with rekindled hope, while another stowed his stuff, zipped up, and headed out the door. He meant to perform the latter, but couldn't bring himself to do it. Desperate for some guidance, he sought out the only voice that, these past two weeks, hadn't laden him with dread.

“Hey, sweetie.”

“Abigail. . .” Toki trailed off. “I's trying to pack.”

“Oh, are you heading home?”

“Tryings, but—okays, this is going to sound stupids, and probablies ten-thousands percent pathetics, but I needs you to walks me through this. I knows what I's doings, but I don'ts. I gots all this stuff layings around that I needs to put in my bag, but I can'ts do it.”

“Okay. . .what's all there?”

When Toki ranted off the short list of things that managed to escape his bag, Abigail read them back. One by one, Toki put them where they needed to go, in order to traverse the Atlantic Ocean again. Afterward, he zipped the bag.

“Toki, when's the last time you took a shower?”

“I don'ts know. I don'ts remember.”

“Does anyone know you're coming?”

“I haven'ts talked to them, no.”

“Okay, so now you should call Charles and tell him to hold the Dethjet for you. After that, go and take a shower. Wash your hair, get clean, and then get dressed in fresh clothes. Call Charles again, tell him you're ready to go, and someone will come pick you up.”

Without her, Toki might still be standing in that very same spot. Memory of how utterly fucking useless he was in the wake of shock and grief embarrassed him as he left his mother to advance through airport security. He walked freely now of his own accord, mind functional regarding what steps he needed to take in order to get where he needed to go. To contrast further, he'd slumped like a rag doll in Abigail's arms when he returned to Mordhaus, whereas this time, when he trekked back up to the airport mid-Friday afternoon with Nathan, he picked Abigail up with a hug and wide grin after she'd properly greeted her boyfriend. Being mindful of her belly, he braced her carefully. He needed to stop himself from commenting on her pregnancy, with a reminder glance that Nathan as-of-yet still didn't know.

“How're you doing?” Abigail asked when Nathan volunteered to fetch her a coffee. “You look good. You've got some colour in your face. And where did _these_ come from?”

Toki was glad his mother wasn't here, to see Abigail squeeze his biceps. “They always beens there.”

“True, but they're bigger now.”

“I didn'ts notice.”

“It's pretty easy for me to, when I haven't seen you in so long.” Abigail came back in close for a hug, giving Toki opportunity to bury his nose in her hair. Maybe it was psychological, but he smelled something different in her pheromonal make-up. It was so obvious, already granted the knowledge, that she expected a child.

“Uhh, here. Got one for you, too,” Nathan stated as a klokateer handed Toki the third paper cup. “Ready to get out of here? I'm starting to get that 'stare-at-the-wall-with-unfocused-eyes' feeling.” 


	102. Catch-Up

Nathan claimed Abigail on Friday night, but her Saturday night belonged to Toki. He'd already queued up Reverse Fantastica for them to watch; only recently did Toki find out he'd lied to Skwisgaar about not enjoying fantasy—turned out he just didn't care for the medieval-derived varieties. In search for sub-genres he might enjoy landed this suggestion from Abigail, and wish to watch it with her meant Toki waited months to delve past the show's art and description on Netflix. Mention of a scholar building a machine with the power to augment reality seemed like a more-than-decent way to escape his own for a short while.

Out of respect for Nathan, Toki wore pyjama pants and a tee shirt rather than his usual boxers. Abigail thought along the same lines; penguins dotted her light blue pants, and the oversized white sweater she'd chose slid off her right shoulder. She grinned and held up a plastic bag. “I have no idea what any of this candy is. The only thing I recognized at the shop was Werther's. I made sure that at least some of it was sugar-free.”

“Thanks.” Toki let her in. It'd taken some tinkering, but with the help of a hotel employee, he managed to hook his laptop up to the room's television. “Makes yourself comfortable. We's all ready to goes.”

What Toki missed most about the States was easier access to Abigail. Not that she spent too much time in Dethklok's corner of the country, anyway; their paths finally crossing again after so long meant Toki resisted the urge to cuddle up to her. The best way to do so was by laying on his stomach and propping up on a pillow while she made herself comfortable at the headboard. The sentiment wasn't returned throughout the first few episodes of the show; every time Toki lowered his defences, he'd jerk his leg as she yet again grabbed his toes.

“There isn'ts any ways we gettings through the whole thing tonight,” Toki already yawned around ten o'clock. “Maybes what we should do is set a times aside when we cans watch an episode here and there together over Skype.”

“We can try. It's tricky, with the time change.”

“Well, nine hours means. . .is either afternoons for me when you wakes up, or lates at night for you when _I_ wakes up. We coulds make it a weekend thing, since isn'ts very practical when you's workings.”

“Sounds good.” Rather than clean up her immediate area, bent to return to the room she shared with Nathan, Abigail popped another Swedish berry into her mouth. “Well? You seem a lot less stressed than when we were talking earlier this week.”

“Yeps.” Toki rolled over onto his back. “For alls the hell I wents through, telling my story and having to look at Skwisgaar all day, feels good to gets it out of my system. Makes me wish I puts more effort in with Twinkletits about the whole thing, but I still don'ts know how I woulds go through it again just for the sheers amount of it. We haves bigger things to worry about anyway, hims and I, with this whole DID thing.”

“How're you doing with that, anyway? I. . .can't say I was _totally_ shocked at the diagnosis, but it's still serious. You see Twinkletits regularly, or do you have a different therapist in Lillehammer?”

“We haves our sessions over Skype, once a week. He comes over once a month, to sees my environment and make suggestions to it. Working really hards on my house is goods for me, he said. Puttings focus on something else means I's not dwelling so much on what's going on inside me. Sometimes therapy cans be a bad thing for something like this, and thats is kind of my case. Bringings it up makes it more likely to happen.”

“So you just don't talk about it?”

“Indirectlies. If I's calm and not stressed out, I's less likelies to dissociate. I does it less than befores. . .nots that is always easy to know. I thinks, because I cans remember when it happens now, that I's making progress.”

“It's true then, that you don't remember some things?”

“Is hard to explain.” Taking his time to ponder it, Toki revisited his slip in identity earlier in the week. “I cans remember it happening now, because I feels like I's falling into it. On Tuesday, I thinks it was, I wents back to being a kid for a few minutes. I remembers feeling happy and likes it was a good day back home in Lillehammer, but I don'ts remember telling my mom I wanteds to pray. Judgings by the way she was talkings, I had. But I bets, if I wents back to being the kid again, I woulds remember it.”

“It's kind of strange, isn't it?”

“In ways. I's used to it. It's getting betters, so there's that. I wasn'ts ever concerned about the kid. It's the other one I worry about.”

Abigail flipped on the bed, so that she was eye-level with Toki. “I think about that once in a while, and especially when Nathan talks about that klokateer you beat up. Did that have anything to do with it?”

“Um. . .” It did, but admitting so was hard. That ultimately opened up the conversation between Toki and Twinkletits about a prospective Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis; if Toki confirmed it here though, how would that affect his access to Abigail's future son or daughter? Inability to have his own meant he'd need to live vicariously through other parents, to experience the joy of raising a little one. Then again, he couldn't be selfish like that. Abigail deserved to know the truth, because if Toki played it down and someday hurt Abigail's child, he would never forgive himself. “I don'ts remember it, so ja.”

“What _do_ you remember?”

“I was really upsets. It'd beens two weeks since I left Stockholm, and I missed Skwisgaar really, really badlies. The only way I could sleeps was in his bed, because it still smelled like him. I went back there one day and there was a klokateer changing the blankets and—that's as far as I remembers, until all my knuckles were splits open, killeds with pain, and this guy was bleeding on the floor in front of me. I hads to hear from someone else what happened, not that I couldn'ts figure it out on my own. I mean. . .that was the last thing I hads of Skwisgaar, because all his laundry had alreadies been done by the times I got home. Ugh, only sayings this do I realize that is kind of creepy, the things we do when we love someones.”

“It's not creepy. I need to tell myself that, anyway.” Abigail chuckled. “I always sneak one of Nathan's shirts, whenever I visit him. I'm not even sure if he notices.”

“Me and Skwisgaar never gots around to that. He talkeds about taking one of my shirts once in a while, but. . .huh, there's a _lots_ we never got to do. We never evens went on a proper date.” Even after all his effort toward letting go of Skwisgaar, that saddened Toki. He had so many plans, for them. “Is why I freaked out so much, when that newbie tooks away the last things I had. Everyone else knews not to touch it untils I said so, but it was onlies his first day in laundry. Oops.”

Abigail rubbed his arm. “That's when you left for Norway, right?”

“Charles suggested it. Well nots Norway, but just to gets out of there for a while. In hindsights I probably shoulds has gone somewhere different, where bad things didn't happen to me and that bad part of me didn't springs to life, but when things gets that bad, what does you does?”

“ _'Mommy. . .'_ ” Abigail snickered. “I understand that. I did the same, when I was living on my own through school and I went broke all too fast before I found an income. I ran home. Thank God Mom and Dad didn't live far from NYU, otherwise I might've never even finished.”

“Why didn'ts you just stay home?”

“I wanted to be independent. I wanted to show my parents that I didn't need their money to survive.” Abigail thrust a sarcastically enthusiastic fist in the air. “So much for that. At least now, I don't need their help like that, anymore. Dad's still _always_ giving me lectures though, about how to live in 'the real world'.”

“What's not reals about the world you live in now?”

“Oh, you know. . .a career in the music industry, dating a rockstar. . .I don't even have a single tattoo, piercing, or piece of leather clothing and he calls me a rebel. Even if I show up at his and mom's house in a suit.”

Toki laughed. “Fucks that, you's one of the straightest people I know.”

“Everywhere but in the bedroom, it seems.”

“Ooh, do tells.”

“You know most of it already.” Abigail shrugged with a fresh smile. “Nathan just does well with someone bossing him around a bit, is all.”

“Skwisgaar dids too.” All the unfulfilled fantasies still kept Toki up late, some nights. He never did get to tie the other man down, as promised.

“Do anything special with this fellow from the other night?”

“Noes. . .maybes another time though, if he into it. Sure wouldn'ts mind to plays with his nipple piercings again.”

“Nathan keeps telling me to get mine done. Fat chance, if he wants some around him, he can do his own. Especially now.”

“Does he knows?”

“Not yet. I probably should've told him last night, but. . .it just never came up.” Abigail picked at a loose thread in the comforter. “I feel like I should wait a little while. Maybe go get an ultrasound first, to see if the test I took is right.”

“I don'ts doubt it. I feels it in my bones. You's gonna be such a good mom.”

“I hope so. I haven't really thought about it. . .not for a long time, anyway. I used to think about it when I was in my early-twenties, when I thought I'd settle down with a boyfriend I had at the time, but then I got busy and—well, too busy means no dates let alone relationships, which translates to no kids. I'm a little nervous about what you said. Having a baby means I'm going to have to make some changes.”

“Does Crystal Mountain gives you maternity leave?”

“Yes, but. . .hm, I guess the way things are slated to go, Nathan can make himself useful and be a stay-at-home dad.”

“Oh god.” Toki giggled at the thought. “Ares you going to trust him with a baby?”

“I don't suppose I have much choice, do I? It's his, no debate. I'm anticipating him freaking out all the time—not just when he learns he's going to be a dad. I don't think he's expecting this at all. We talked about kids and while we both wanted them, neither of us were really in a place where we're prepared.”

“That's the thing about kids sometimes, you just gots to make rooms for them. Nots that I would know.” A sad smile came over Toki. “I'd be lyings if I said I wasn'ts the teeniest bits jealous. I's wanted kids for a long time, and I'm scareds I'm running out of time to gets them.”

“You'll be fine, sweetie. A man can knock someone up until his dying breath. It's women that have a ticking clock. You just need to find someone worth being the mother to your children. Or you could always adopt. There're a lot of kids in the world in need of a good home.”

“Is true. . .I hates to sound like an asshole, but there something alluring abouts having your own kid, though. Maybes is biologicals. At this point though, I'll takes anything. I'll takes a hundred cats.”

“How about you hold off on the cats until you're sure no young ladies wouldn't find you charming, huh?”

How could they, at this point? Toki had so much baggage to lug around, and his happy-go-luckiness had been buried along with his relationship with Skwisgaar. He knew it to be true, the day Charles called him in Norway to let him know that Skwisgaar had requested he make the jump to Stockholm for a visit. Very briefly, a jolt of excitement and flutters coursed through Toki, then his newfound cynicism overtook again. He couldn't live forever on someone else's whim. Skwisgaar had far from earned the man wrapped around his little finger.

Taking back his power by ending the call before Charles could attempt to change his mind felt good. Perhaps Toki took one step back for every two he advanced, but he couldn't shit on progress. Until the Saturday night he stayed up late chatting with Abigail about anything they could possibly come up with, and then a Sunday galavanting about the city with his friends, Toki hadn't felt freedom that potently. Fun made it easy to be carefree, even when in presence of another couple. He compacted rocks and ice into balls intent for Murderface's head, and interpreted some lousy art with Pickles until their comments got them kicked out of the gallery. As they all ate lunch together in the hotel lobby the next day, joined even by Charles, Toki didn't think he could get happier.

Subconsciously, every phone call Charles received went listened into, for it could be what they all waited for. However, the man's determinedly-straight face made it too hard to decipher who he spoke to and what about. However, as he ended the call and cleared his throat at their table, everyone knew what he meant to announce.

“The court administration just called. Skwisgaar's verdict is in.” 


	103. Liberty

Could Toki's trembling hands actually hold his cutlery, the fork and knife would've slipped in his sweaty grasp. Not that it mattered; with Charles' proclamation, no persuasion was necessary for all seated around the table to rise. If the verdict was out, then the news would soon spread like wildfire. It started at the hotel. The waitresses in the restaurant slowed in their duties to watch them all file out, the sudden switch in atmosphere from jovial to somber indication enough. Swept along as though trapped beneath a tidal wave, Toki filed amongst the others into the limousine. The streets, more packed than ever, slowed them.

This was it. Toki at least knew that he and Skwisgaar wouldn't cross paths ever again. He came down to the courthouse with his bandmates, to stand alongside them as their collective fate as Dethklok was sealed, and then he would return to his room in order to gather his things for Lillehammer. His new life commenced today, with less than a fraction of its previous burdens. Skwisgaar would once again become some guy from Sweden, a mere blip in Toki's memory. One day, Toki would be just some guy from Norway, raising a couple young with his wife. When Skwisgaar eventually got released from prison—if he'd be granted that, or even lived that long—it would have no effect whatsoever on Toki. In fact, it would probably be weeks later that Toki realized that date had come and gone. Oh well, so life went.

“How're you doing?” Abigail asked Toki in a whisper. Not that it went unheard, since no one else spoke. Unwilling to further void the silence, Toki merely smiled in her direction. He'd be okay. Right now he was a bucket of nerves, but he'd come out fine.

The limousine slowly advanced toward the courtroom. Throngs of people crowded the sidewalks, all migrating in the same direction. When Stockholms Rådhus came into view ahead, klokateers parted the crowd so that they might pass. It became twice as difficult when the limousine door needed to be opened, and a gap created so that six bodies could join the rest. Like the first time Toki arrived, questions were shouted in his direction. Did everyone think they knew more than anyone else?

Chanting could still be heard when they stood inside, although now was a strange ghost compared to the Swedish officials easing them all through security. On the other side of that, in the hall Toki became acquainted with, they all stopped as Charles turned around.

“I need to go meet Skwisgaar. As soon as I hear. . .I'll let you know.” A fidget transformed into motion to clean his glasses. “I'm not sure how long this will take, so you might want to take a seat.”

Nathan leaned up against the wall instead, arms crossed, while Murderface picked at some dirt under his nails. Pickles set off to pace the length of the hallway, fiddling with one of his dreadlocks. Toki took up Charles' suggestion, and was joined by Abigail.

“Which courtroom were you in?”

Toki pointed it out. “God, I can'ts believe this is it. This times last Monday, I was barelies into my testimony. It feels like so longs ago.”

“Because you've already come so far since then. This week has been a good turn-around for you.”

The longer they waited, the quicker Toki's heel tapped against the floor. Nathan and Murderface soon took to pacing as well, gazing at the portraits of court officials with glazed eyes. When the click of a door sounded, all heads snapped toward the one Toki had passed through so many times. Toki stood, quickly followed by Abigail, when Charles reemerged.

“Well?” Nathan asked before they'd even all convened.

“They had to debate over it. He would've been charged with manslaughter, but thanks to the circumstance and Toki's testimony—” Toki's stomach churned at mention of his name, “—the judges dropped the charge to self-defence.”

“Meaning? Meaning what, is he getting out today?”

“Yes.” Charles exhaled roughly, glancing back where he'd come from. “He's just waiting for some proper clothing to arrive, for him to wear out of here.”

“Hey, fuck that. I don't care if we have to see him in orange garb or whatever. Bring him out!”

Shock surrounding Toki turned to excitement as Charles heeded Nathan's suggestion. As everyone else swelled, he faded away, insides dead and empty. He still waited for a number to be spoken, regarding how many years Skwisgaar earned himself in prison. Should that not be bound to happen now, Toki had no idea what to do with himself. Everything he'd planned from this moment on required Skwisgaar's presence far from his own life. With that dashed, what did he do now? Where did he go? Anywhere but here sounded good.

Deaf to the others calling after him, Toki braved the crowd again in order to return to the limousine. No; he was determined to still go his own way. He just needed to do it quicker. He'd pack his bag and head for the airport before Skwisgaar got anywhere near the hotel. Hopefully, the media and crowd would hold him and the others up for a while. All Toki needed was half an hour, to get in and out. Then he could be free again, free to run home to Lillehammer. Maybe Skwisgaar wouldn't know where to find him, unless Charles spilled about his move back to Norway. How long now, could Toki expect to have before Skwisgaar showed up on his doorstep?

Before the limousine even lurched into its stilted motion, his phone went off. Every time one of his friends' faces popped up on the screen, Toki hit Ignore. What did they expect? What did they even _want?_ To talk him into staying? They had _no idea_ what kind of bad news this was for Toki. All the work he did on himself went to waste, just like _that_. Already, Toki fought the urge to turn the driver back around, and to approach Skwisgaar with pounding heart and hungry hands so that they could begin working their way back to where they'd left off. That was too idealistic though, and not what Toki should want.

Seven months was a substantial period of time to be separated, especially following something so traumatic. Toki had grown since then, and undoubtedly Skwisgaar didn't get a free pass in jail to mope around in his cell all day. It scared Toki to think about that, because maybe they'd both changed for the better and that in itself would cool some of the issues they had before. Then again, maybe they grew in different directions. In that case, why did Toki fear Skwisgaar so much? He should be _happy_ for that to have happened.

Whatever opportunities this opened up, Toki refused to cash-in on any of them. He ran for the elevator once the limousine came to a stop in the hotel's parkade, tapped his fingers restlessly as he rose to his floor, then flew immediately into action gathering up all of his clothes. His phone situated on the desk, continuing to buzz and ring as his friends attempted to contact him. After zipping his suitcase, he knew he couldn't avoid them anymore. He at least had to tell them his plans—Pickles in this case, as he grinned back at him on the screen—so that they wouldn't worry.

“Hey.” Back to getting his carry-on bag ready, Toki held the phone between his ear and shoulder. The voice that came back stopped him dead in his tracks and flushed him yet again of emotion, thought, and ambition.

“Hi, Toki.”

“Um. . .” Aware he stupidly gaped, not unlike a fish, Toki wrestled some sort of coherence out of himself. “This shoulds be Pickle.”

“He lets me borrow it. I haven'ts got mine back yet.” Skwisgaar's voice echoed oddly; it sounded as though he'd retreated into the same men's room Toki used to gather his wits during breaks in the trial. “Where ams you? De ot'er guys said you cames down wit' dem.”

“I—I's at the hotel. I hads to get packed. I's leaving soon.” Drilling through the surreality of not only hearing Skwisgaar's voice but speaking to him, Toki determinedly gathered his laptop and charge cords. “You's gettings out today, huh? That's greats. Really. . .good stuffs.”

“I t'inks _I_ am more shocked dan anyone else. Maybes except Charles. He really pulleds off de impossibles, dese last couple week.”

“Ja, is greats. I gots to go, needs to get these last few things put together so I cans—”

“Now holds on. I'ms gettings out of jail, and you ams goings to run offs like dat?”

“I's not runnings, I's. . .” But how else could Toki phrase it? “I wasn'ts expecting this. I gots to get out of here.”

“Why? I thoughts you would want to sees me. I wants to sees _you_.”

“Things are differents now, Skwis—gaar,” Toki thwarted himself at the last minute from using his old nickname. At least he hadn't _totally_ slipped up and called him elskling, although that term of endearment still bounced about his skull. “That isn't somethings that's going to happen.”

“Woulds you at least stops trying to escapes and talks to me? Has been so longs—”

“Nots long enough. We can'ts do this.”

“And why nots?”

“Because I's going back to my life and there isn'ts no room for you.”

Brief silence met him, on the other end. “I refuse to believes dat.”

“Has been sevens months, how coulds it be any other way, huh? I's gottens over you before, overs and overs again, so why can'ts I does it again? This was the last straw, I—” Toki pressed his lips together as latent anger bubbled toward the surface. With it came heartbreak he was _sure_ he'd dealt with. His autonomy, all over again, was shattered. Why couldn't Skwisgaar just pick up the hint? “I can'ts go through this with you again. How coulds you just _leave_ me like that, and then expects to just walk backs into my life like nothing happened? You haves _no idea_ what you'ves put me through! I don'ts care what you haves to say, because it doesn'ts fucking matter. We's _done_ , don'ts you get that?”

“Ifs we so done, den why don'ts you ends it like a man, huh? Quit runnings from me. _Face_ me. You know why you don'ts want to? Because you am scareds. It ams de same reason you didn'ts come when I asked you to, in Julys.”

“I didn'ts come in July because I was in the middles of livings my new life. What you thinks anyway, that you cans push me away and then calls me back when you feels like it? No, that isn'ts the way is goings to be anymore, Skwisgaar. You lost your chance when you puts your back to me.”

“I didn'ts puts my back to you.”

“Yes you dids, don'ts try to deny it!” Toki paid no mind to volume so far through the conversation, but a bang through the wall from his neighbour made him conscious that he was yelling. “I waiteds _two weeks_ , sittings like a total embarrassed, wrecked dildo, for you to lets me come see you. I nevers hear anything when I goes home, and then Charles tracks me down because hey, is six weeks later, isn'ts it a perfect time to finally thinks about Toki again!”

“My bort'day was comings up—”

“Goods! I's glads you spents it alone, you miserable son of a bitch! I hopes you thoughts really hards about _why_ you were alls by yourself. Was it worth it? Weres you happies, to have takens away consent for me to sees you? To drives me back across the ocean?”

“No, I wasn'ts.” Skwisgaar's voice trembled. “You haves no idea what I was goings through. You weren'ts being any help, so why woulds I wants you around?”

“Is a goods question, one you shoulds ask yourself now. I haves nothing but anger for you, so why you wants Toki back in your life anyway?”

“Because I loves you, and I's missed you.”

“Funny! You would thinks, if that was true, I woulds has been able to sticks around!”

“You know whats, Toki? _Fucks_ that! How cans you say all dat to me wit'out hearings my side of t'ing? You can'ts put words in my mouth. Fucks, I was a _mess_ , backs den. All I wanteds was to fuckings die, and den you comes in all mads at me? What else was I supposed to do, just sits dere and takes it?”

“I wasn'ts mad to starts! You kepts pullings away from me!”

“Because I didn'ts want to be touched or to talks about what happened! Dat didn'ts mean I wanteds you outs of my fucking life!”

“Is what you gots anyway, because I'm _sicks_ of it, Skwis! I'm sicks of all this drama. I'm sicks of being stucks on you for all these years, I'm sicks of beings disappointed over and over again. I don'ts want to sees you, and thats is why. Because all you do is disappoints.”

“I disappointeds you because you mades it dat way. You gaves up, you lefts, you didn'ts come back when I finallies pulled myself far enough outs to even _t'inks_ about havings a visitor. I'm sorries dat I didn'ts have de capacity to tells you dat, all rights? You t'inks you woulds has been any betters, if you—dids what _I_ did?”

Of course, the answer was no. Toki could hardly even function revisiting in court the roller coaster that was their relationship. He'd tried _not_ to see from Skwisgaar's perspective, because at the end of the day it was irrelevant to how Toki attempted to rebuild his life. It didn't matter once Skwisgaar's arm locked, holding him at bay, and it _really_ didn't matter when the Swedish judicial system promised to keep them apart for such a substantial number of years.

What about now, though? None of that was going to happen, and Toki knew before the verdict came that Skwisgaar still cared about him. He'd made eyes across the floor on and off through the days, and—that stupid stunt, right at the end. How could Toki _not_ give Skwisgaar at least the chance to explain himself? Could they take inventory of their lives from where they left off and reconcile the differences? Yes, but _should_ they? That remained the question for Toki to answer.

“I haves no idea what to do,” Toki thought aloud. “I didn'ts expect this. I hads all these plans, and now what's goings to happen to them? I's not going back to Mordhaus.”

“I don'ts know if I ams, either.”

“You nots coming with me, if thats was your idea.”

“I never saids it was.” Skwisgaar paused on a deep breath and sigh to follow. “Befores you go, won'ts you meet me somewhere? No matters what happen, whether you ams detormined for dis to be overs or you willings to fix it, we can'ts leave it like dis. Boths of us need closure.”

“I'm scareds to see you.”

“I'm scareds to sees _you,_ too. But ams necessary, ja?”

Skwisgaar had Toki there. Shaky hands and a wet face stalled him in answering, and he might throw up before he could make his tongue work again. Didn't Skwisgaar have _any_ idea what this did to him? “I guess.”

“Any ideas when and wheres, den?”


	104. Crossroads

Toki tried to remain seated in his hotel room, but as soon as his ass touched the bed and the muscles in his legs relaxed, he'd be up again. Snacking on Saturday night's leftover candy, Abigail watched him trek restlessly back and forth.

“What're you going to say to him?”

“I haves no idea. I can'ts even think straight. It isn'ts fair, why does he still have this effects on me?” Toki rubbed his face with a heavy sigh. “I don'ts know what to do. I gots all these different thoughts, like that I need to just concentrate on whats I was doings, but then. . .what ifs I making a mistake? I keeps thinking about how happy we weres together when everything was good, and ja we fought sometimes, but what couple doesn'ts? No relatesingip is perfect. How is its either of our faults, when bad things like this happen? Skwisgaar didn'ts kill his mom in orders to gets away from me, I at least knows _that_.

“Woulds I be a dumbass, Abigail?” Toki halted in front of her. Wide eyes reflected his desperation for direction. “Woulds everyone think I'm stupids for takings him back? I's been walking around like a dildo sayings I's over him, I's over him, but I's _not_. I'm so fars away from that, is pathetics. Is whys I ran. . .I knows as soon as I sees him, I's gonna be a droolings fucking moron.”

“First of all, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. This is your life, your decision, and the best anyone can do is give you advice. That being said, mine? Don't just scoop him up to bring back here. You were right, in what you said to him. It's been seven months. A lot has happened, in that time. If you're both serious about trying to put your relationship back on the rails, you need to take a full account of your situations, intentions, and emotional baggage. You never know, you might not even recognize the person you speak to, or for him, vice versa. That spark might be gone.”

“Then we woulds know, right?” Toki asked. “We talkeds about closure. If this isn'ts going to turns into anything, if we's going to make our break-up official, then we at least haves that.”

“True.” Abigail consulted her phone for the time. “When were you heading downstairs, exactly?”

Too soon, for Toki's nerves to handle. At quarter to three, about two hours after he and Skwisgaar agreed to allow a cool-down period, Toki first escorted Abigail back to her and Nathan's room. His heart bid for escape in the elevator, knocking steadfastly as though it aimed upward for his mouth but couldn't quite gain the necessary momentum. Walking proved a chore on its own, for Toki's legs wobbled across the lobby.

Klokateers stood at the bar's entrance. Toki didn't expect Skwisgaar to be early—as he himself had arrived—but his stomach dropped out of his body to spot a lone figure with long blond hair. Unnoticed, Toki took his time to assess the situation and debate whether or not he should take his last chance to run. Who could stop him, now? He'd already packed his things, so he'd just have to dash upstairs and grab them before hijacking one of the limousines downstairs.

Instead, he pressed forward.

His footsteps gave him away, compelling Skwisgaar to look up from his beer. Normally Toki would call it too early to drink, but such occasion as this more than called for it. Still, controlling himself, Toki shook his head when the bartender held a bottle to him. More intoxicating already was a straightening of Skwisgaar's spine and how he broke into a wide smile no matter how hard he fought against it for the serious conversation they poised to have. As soon as it came about, Toki's face mirrored. It didn't help that, as he hoisted himself up onto a stool, close enough proximity to the other man caught him a whiff of the distinct, personal scent he'd once beat a klokateer for depriving him of. Nice to know that hadn't changed in seven months, but it further weakened Toki's resolve against pulling Skwisgaar into a bone-crushing hug. He was _right here_. Toki could _touch_ him if he wanted.

Then again. . .could he? Despite Skwisgaar grinning equally like a fool, the heavy air between them necessitated more than an irritated wave of Toki's hand to dissipate.

“So, you actuallies need these glasses, then?” Toki asked, unsure how else to break the ice.

“I haves for a while.” Elation turned sheepish as reminder of the spectacles compelled Skwisgaar to push them further up his nose. “Guess I gots good at pretendings otherwise.”

“I never seens you squint once, that I cans recalls.”

“ _Pff_ , dat ams how you gets wrinkles, Toki.”

Toki chortled, head bowed. God fucking _damn_ it. Despite the facts that dust gathered in both their bedrooms back at Mordhaus, Toki had the shell of a new house raised six-hundred kilometres away, and Skwisgaar narrowly missed spending the rest of his life behind bars. . .the snow outside could've melted in a flash as a June sun repelled against the horizon. So far, Toki couldn't deny the spark still remained. Such a broken situation shouldn't feel so comfortable. Face-to-face was different, compared to speaking on the phone. Skwisgaar's presence, always such a calming effect on Toki, made him eager to forgive everything and relearn the other man's mind and emotions after they had the chance to reacquaint physically.

“So,” Skwisgaar said in attempt to get them on track. “We haves a lot to figures out, huh? Where does we even starts?”

“I haves no idea.” Toki leaned over the bar. “I feels pretty stupids.”

“Me toos. Ams easy to gets caught up in how we lefts off, but. . .I don'ts know, listenings to your testimony and havings de good t'ing all comes back, it make me sad for everyt'ing we stands to lose. Nots dat we wouldn'ts always have de good memories from our times together. Goings forward though, now dat I amn'ts going to prison, I can'ts imagine not havings it.”

“I cans. I knows exactly what I woulds be doing, if you gots taken back to your cell this afternoon. Doesn'ts mean it wouldn'ts be at least a littles bittersweet. You always makes me such a dumbass.” On second thought, maybe Toki would take that beer after all. “You know I's been tellings everyone I don'ts need you? Maybes is true, but the world sure is dark when you nots around.”

In fact, Toki nearly forgot what colour looked like until he spotted Skwisgaar in the bar. The room burst with it upon sight of a grinning face, inciting long-extinguished flame to rekindle inside his chest. Forget colour, he forgot what _life_ was like, when in the presence of a loved one. And no mistake, Skwisgaar _was_ loved. Toki had no other way to explain this ache, for he'd grown too accustomed to the painful variety during their separation.

“I woulds rather you wanteds me anyway, if dat ams de choice betweens dat and needs.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “Wants am a biggers compliment.”

“I can'ts help but want you, no matters what you done. I wants to believe that you didn'ts push me away without a goods reason, and has beens a long time since I felts that optimistics about other people and theirs intentions for Toki. Maybes I concentrates too heavilies on the bad stuff. I wants to believe this is possibles, though. When I cames down here, I didn'ts feel dead about you, likes I thoughts and kinds of hoped I would. There gots to be something here, rights? If that stills the case after all this time?”

“I'ms in a different boat dan you. I nevers did try to gets over you. Nots dat I didn'ts do my fair shares of moping for de forst couple months we weres aparts, just wit' everyt'ing dat was goings on. I thoughts I didn'ts have a choice. Woulds have to evenskally happen.”

“Is there even a points, talking about that kind of stuff? I knows I was harsh with you on the phone, but. . .I can'ts ignore my heart. I know I'll always be miserables in comparisons without you in my lifes. You add something importants, to makes it better.” Toki paused. “That being saids, we does have seven months and a really awkward situation to figures out, with how we wents our separate ways last summer.”

“Rights.” Whatever they said so far about their feelings, that had no bearing on how their lives had transformed without each other. It might not be best for them to hop back into a relationship with each other. “I still don'ts really know where to start. We spokes briefly on de phone—if you coulds call dat talking—abouts what happened up in Sundsvall. For my sides of t'ing, I was in a reallies bad place. Ams easy to talks about in hindsight, but den? Ja, I trieds to kill myself after what I dids to my mom. It almost worked, but de klokateers dat were guardings de house had a bad feeling, or somet'ing. Dey cames in to checks, and founds me rights before I passed outs.”

“How cans you say that so bluntly?” Mention of suicide still made Toki extremely uneasy.

“I'ves gone over dis so many times in group t'erapy, dat I can'ts even be bothered to be fazed by its, anymore.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “It don'ts matter. I'ves met people just as screweds up or evens _more_ screweds up dan me, so why ams _I_ such a bigs baby, huh? I amn'ts de one dat am goings to spend de rest of my life in prison, nots to menskin I seems to underskands more dan de others. De t'ing dat happeneds to me, dey amn'ts my fault. I'ves always dones de best I cans wit' what I hads, and ja, I snappeds. Anyone dat I talkeds to didn'ts blame me for doings what I dids, and why. I guess de judges agreed.”

“Why _dids_ you do it?” Toki asked, lips dry upon realization that he might finally be on the cusp of learning. His eagerness outwardly faded when Skwisgaar regarded him with amusement.

“Damns, Toki. You knows more about me dan anyone else, not countings Charles and de guys dat hads to listens to dis shit everydays. You knows what I'ms like, and you knows what my moms ams like. Puts two and two toget'er, why don'ts you?”

“So. . .” Stated that way, it seemed obvious. Toki should have at least considered it, given what blurry lines both Skwigelfs dealt with when their promiscuity came into question. He could accept at face value that Skwisgaar slept with yet one more person, but what closed that unspoken gap between mother and son? Toki could _never_ imagine copulating with his own. “Okays.”

“I shoulds has tolds you dat sooner, and I apolgesac for dat. Me puttings keeping dat a secret before anyt'ing else mades for a lot of bad. I know I comes off as someone dat don'ts have a lots of shame.” Gaze falling along with his strength, Skwisgaar sipped his beer. “But dat ams differensk dan anyt'ing else dat happeneds to me. I couldn'ts make myself talks about it befores, if I wanteds to. When I forst starteds going to de therapy t'ings in jail, I thoughts it would literally kill me. Am stills hard to t'ink about de details, and how it all cames to an end.”

“I don'ts understand. I means, I believes you, but. . .hows is that different than anythings else you tolds me? You weres there for me when bad things like that happened, too.”

“For one, ams de situaskin itself. I wasn'ts forced into its, likes I was by my mom's boyfriends when I was youngers, or likes you were by dem guys in Mexico.” Skwisgaar lowered his voice as the bartender strolled by toting a box full of glass bottles. “I was still youngs, but olds enough to defend myself. It didn'ts have to happen. But she puts de borden on me to instigates it, so dat ams enough to makes my skin crawl evens now. Am shamefuls enough to falls into incest. To t'inks about your mom and eventuallies make a move? Disguskings.”

“But the way you talks about it, you didn'ts force her.”

“No, am somet'ing I learneds from jail. She puts de borden on me. I nevers quite got over de habit of sharings a bed wit' her on cold nights, and she knews exactly what she was doings if she slepts wit' less clothes dan usual. She hids behind de fact dat she was always pretties open about her sex life, she woulds. . .you know, jacks off when I was right dere. I was just hittings puberty, so I couldn'ts help dat I reacted.” Skwisgaar paused, with another sip from his bottle. “Sometimes I still t'ink ams my own fault, you knows? I didn'ts have to keep sleepings in her bed. I didn'ts have to looks at her like dat. All _she_ hads to do was lets it happen.

“And. . .dat ams probablies more dan you wants to hear,” Skwisgaar concluded with a glance in Toki's direction. Aware of how disgust contorted his expression, Toki slid toward something more neutral.

“Is just hards to imagine you goings through that. Is another instance of nevers wanting you to hurts in your life. I'm sorries that happened.” Toki's fingers twitched, eager to seek familiar counterparts. “You kepts this to yourself for so longs. Why ares you tellings me now?”

“I gots into de habit of talkings about it, which ams good, because if you and I ams goings to be completely honest wit' each other, you deserves to know. I nots going to pussyfoot around de fact dat I wants you back.”

“I don'ts want you to think that you haves to experience all thats over again, just for my sake.”

“Ams funny, because it was de complete opposkits before. You beens demanding for me to tells you dat for a longs times.”

“No, I. . .” Wait. “You tolds Raina, didn't you?”

Skwisgaar nodded. “Not so explikitsly. She hads de same kind of problem when she was younger, except wit' an uncle. It all cames back, when we were talkings about dat. And dat ams what I mean, dat it cause a lots of bad. Maybes if I wasn't so ashamed abouts it and we didn'ts have dat fight, den maybes Raina wouldn'ts have moved us to Mexico. Den you wouldn'ts have been—you know.”

“Thats is something that no one shoulds blame anyones for. The only guys at fault were the ones that did it. Is no goods to me anyway, to blames.” It still hurt though, that Skwisgaar trusted a stranger with that information more than Toki. Once the novelty of that notion faded, Toki anticipated his slighted feelings would as well. “I just wish I wasn't such a dicks, and didn'ts try to force it out of you. If I hadn'ts done that, it could be said, then I wouldn'ts has gotten attacked. Is just a shitty situation. We didn'ts know what the consequence would be.”

“I'ms glad you ams underskanding. I don'ts excuse myself from having some parts in it, but ams good dat you amn'ts goings to hold it against me.”

“I can'ts. We's both guilty of puttings ourselves first at critical times like that. Is what we does, when we runnings on instinct and we aren'ts on the same wavelength. I'll needs a little time to lets what you told me sink in, but I don't see how I coulds hold you at fault for beings hurt like that. You seems conscious of how it's affecteds us and you's willings to works at that, now.”

“Mhm.” Not as able to resist the urge, fingers grazing Toki's incited a swarm of butterflies as powerful as if Skwisgaar had never touched him before. “So if dat ams okay for now, cans I ask what ams goings on in your life? Charles menskined you haves been living in Norway.”

“Ins Lillehammer, ja. I's building a house, nears my mom's. Is close enough to the Avskåkån shoreline that I's gonna maybes make a walkway down to it in the springs.”

“Rights from scratch, de whole t'ing? No helps?”

“Well, a littles bit of help, here and there, from the klokateers.” With mention of that, Toki wondered which klokateer specifically had been killed by the pack of wolves. Would he earn himself a new helper? “But has kepts me busy.”

“De Swedish haves dis proverbs, dat you amn'ts a man untils you have planteds a tree, builts a house, and hads a son.” Skwisgaar followed that with a shrug. “I'ms only one for three.”

“Two for threes. . .I's yet to have a son.” That ache pounded a reminder in Toki's chest. “Somedays, I hopes.”

“I bets you would be a goods dad. You nevers talked about kids reallies, before. . .?”

“Nots with you, I guess. I's always wanteds them, and I feels like I's runnings out of time. I don'ts care about just passings my genes along. I wants to raise mine, and to haves little grandkids runnings around someday.”

“I'ms pretty content without kids in my life,” Skwisgaar stated, “but dat am somet'ing you shoulds have, if it woulds make you happy.”

“Ares you just sayings that, or is it somethings you believe? Because you realize it woulds require me beings in a relatesingip with a woman, and to a points where we loves each other enough to haves that. You wouldn'ts feel threatened, evens if me beings with someone else and havings kids don'ts change how much I cares about you?”

“I means what I say. You woulds be a good dad, but I don'ts want kids. Dat shouldn't stops you from havings dem, if de opportunity cames up.”

“But woulds you be ables to handle that?” It was true then, that they dealt with an entirely new foundation for their relationship. Panic touched Toki, for he didn't want to lose Skwisgaar again so soon. Then again, he couldn't squash such a huge need in his life on command.

“I woulds probably be jealous,” Skwisgaar conceded. “Ams hard to tell, but I'ms already dealings wit' dis whole t'ing about you and dat other guy. Which I meants to ask about, by de way.”

“Anders?” Mention of him turned the corners of Toki's mouth upward. “He's a goods guy.”

“What ams de whole situaskin wit' dat? Ams you datings?”

“No, we onlies met last Tuesdays. Was meants to be a one-night stand, but we's both willings to hooks up again if we gets the chance. He travels a lot for work. I probablies wouldn'ts mind datings him if we were both stables and in the same place.”

“I sees.”

“I didn'ts think you would really gets jealous, if I was with someone else.” Toki studied how Skwisgaar's lips pressed. “Why? Does you think it means I don'ts care about you as much?”

“It dids, didn't it? Dis time?”

“I wanteds it to, but no. Nothing's changed in how I feels about you. I _wished_ I didn'ts care as much, because I thoughts I was goings to go the rest of my lifes without you. Now that I know I don'ts have to, is different. I still wouldn'ts mind goings on a date with him once in a whiles, but I can't says that it could or would evers be as serious as what I haves with you.”

“I cans relate, I guess. I'ms being careful about sayings too much against you seeings other people, because I had someones dat I was involved wit', in jail.”

“Oh?” Now it was Toki that needed a drink; he tried, before allowing the full flare of jealousy to erupt behind his rib cage, to allow Skwisgaar time to explain. Like Skwisgaar had once said, dating someone else was a bit more difficult to swallow than fucking.

“His names am Gunnar. I don'ts know what goings to happen wit' dat, now. I was bankings on goings back to wheres I was, and now. . .I'ms not stayings in Stockholm much longer. Ams a hard t'ing to t'inks about because I'ms not really shore what I feels for him anyway? When you ams in group t'erapy toget'er and you ams forced to lay everyt'ing on de table, rathers dan do it ons your own time wit' someone you builds trust wit', you gets dis false sense of beings close. You knows all deir bullshit, and dey knows all yours. You don'ts have to talks about it, you cans just builds a good time on it.”

“Are you sayings you don'ts care about him?”

“I does, but. . .” Skwisgaar teetered his head to and fro as he pondered how to describe it. “It amn'ts entirely a chemistry t'ing. Ams, you ams gay and I cans dig it, you haves t'ing abouts your mom and so does I, you ams attractive and you finds me dat way too, all rolleds up into one. I t'ink he ams more into it dan me, and dat ams what make it hard. You knows me, I amn'ts happy wit' only one porson. I t'ink he haves de impression dat dat will change because I ams working on dese t'ing abouts my mom, when reallies, she never hads anyt'ing to does wit' dat.”

“Haves you tolds him that?”

“Ja, and he don'ts listen. He gets all condescendings, like, you don'ts know, you onlies been here for dis long, when no. I knows myself. Maybe I amn'ts fucking as much as I used to, but if I cares abouts more dan one porson like dat and I _wants_ to, den why ams you shittings all over it? Ehh. . .” Skwisgaar gazed at Toki out of the corner of his eye. “Sorries, ams probably weird dat I dumps dat kind of problem ons you.”

Toki rubbed Skwisgaar's back. “I shouldn'ts give you advice about it since I can'ts be objective, but you still need someones to bounce your thoughts off.”

“It don'ts bother you?”

“Honestlies, I's more fascinateds than bothered. I don't sees this as affectings me, because of how clears you's been about wantings to gets back together. Speakings of which, you talks like he doesn'ts like havings more dan one person.”

“He ams irrationally jealous. I looks at anot'er guy, boom, he ams mad. I talks about someone else dat I was pallings around wit', oh, ams you goings to let him slips it to you? Ja, I just mights, wit' _dat_ attitudes.” Skwisgaar shook his hair back from his face indignantly. “Ugh, and I shouldn'ts be so petty like dat. Ams hard not to be, when de other guy ams.”

“You can'ts expect someone that prefers monogsmous relatesingip to change, any mores than they shoulds expect _you_ to, Skwis.”

“I know, and dat ams what make it frustkrating. I ams planning to go visits him tomorrow and see what ams goings to happen. I don'ts t'ink me and hims will be ables to weather distance likes you and me, and I don'ts want to stays in Stockholm. I hates dis city, for all de crappies memories I have of its.”

“I don'ts blame you. I woulds be happy to nevers come back here again. The only reasons worth it would be to visits Anders, or something.” Toki paused as the bartender freshened his drink. “Speakings of going places, you mentioned on the phone that you mights not be returning to Mordhaus?”

“Everyone ams alreadies in an uproar, dat Dethklok ams goings to gets right back to it, but. . .” Skwisgaar shook his head. “I amn'ts ready. Has been seven months of hell. I needs de chance to enjoys my freedom befores I goes back to dat place. I tells you de same t'ing I tell some of de guys in dere: Mordhaus and jail amn'ts very different. I can'ts go nowhere wit'out an escort and I ams commanded to do t'ing I don'ts want to. Because I was used to life like dat, jail really wasn'ts dat bads. Ams no vacation, though. And dat ams what I needs right now.”

“What do you thinks you'll do, instead?” Toki considered inviting Skwisgaar to Lillehammer, but he couldn't do so without his mother's permission. He could imagine her reaction, should he request not only the ex he'd sworn off but a convict to come under her roof.

“I beens t'inking about dat actuallies, and Göteborg am stickings out in my mind.”

“Göteborg?” Toki repeated with a smile. “Isn'ts all that far from Lillehammer. Maybes less than eight hours by train.”

“Woulds you comes visit me? I ams at dis crossroads right now, and I don'ts want to fuck dis up. I haves a second chance, you know?” Skwisgaar's thumbs smoothed over his beer's label. “I haves dis chance to gets you back, to find some peace in myselfs, and maybes have a goods rest of my life.”

“I thinks you'll do okay.” Toki rested his hand on the other man's forearm. “In facts, I thinks you'll do great. You alreadies are.”

“I hope so.” After a moment of considering Toki, Skwisgaar spoke again. “For nows, what ams de plan? What ams accepkables? I helds off on gettings my own room, because I didn'ts know how dis would go.”

Toki chuckled. Typical. “Gets your own, for now. This is a good starts for us to gets back on track, but I's not lookings to complicate anything. Besides, with all this time we haves, why woulds we rush it?” 


	105. Latency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illustrated.

Winding up sitting for so long in the bar meant Toki and Skwisgaar were hailed straight into the restaurant when dinner time rolled around. While the band so far during their visit to Stockholm was satisfied to keep fellow patrons at a distance with the klokateers' help, Skwisgaar's presence poised to draw crowds. To avoid it, the restaurant too had been emptied out.

Toki purposefully chose a seat away from Skwisgaar, so that glances could be stolen more effectively. He couldn't and wouldn't touch the other man quite yet, well aware he wouldn't be able to stop once that barrier was crossed. Part of him still couldn't believe the day's outcome; had the verdict gone any other way, Toki would already be back in Lillehammer. Skwisgaar would've been escorted back to the prison that hosted him, and would've probably shacked up with this Gunnar fellow. Strange, how the court officials Toki told his story to were ultimately responsible for however life may now pull him along.

Only when his and Skwisgaar's eyes met did Toki realize the majority of his attention went toward him. Like in the courtroom, so much could be said without words. Now, with a broader picture of Skwisgaar's life, that doubled in meaning. Neither of them knew what would happen now, but Toki saw Skwisgaar as part of himself for many years to come, if they could just get this one thing right.

“So I'm thinking,” Nathan addressed Skwisgaar through a mouthful of potato. “If we leave here early in the morning, it shouldn't be a bad hour that we land at Mordhaus. What do you think?”

Skwisgaar picked at his food. The hunched nature of his shoulders relayed to Toki that this topic had yet to be breached with the other guys. Charles, who'd already been set onto the chore of evicting whoever currently occupied Mormor Ida's old apartment, dabbed his mouth with a napkin. “Ah, Nathan, it's still a little soon after the verdict to discuss band business.”

“Fuck that, this isn't band shit. The trial's over, we got a nice surprise out of it, and now we can all go home.” Despite the stride Toki made with Nathan, he still flushed with fear when green eyes landed on him. “Well, _almost_ all of us. Whaddaya say, Toki? Come back for a little while?”

“Ums. . .” Unsure how to reply to that, Toki turned attention back to his plate. The longer his mind ran blank, the more nervous he grew. In turn, that made it difficult to come up with anything to say.

“Okay, what am I missing here?” Nathan looked back and forth between Toki and Skwisgaar. “Did you guys make plans, while you were in the bar?”

“Nots together,” Skwisgaar stated. “I amn'ts coming back yet. I haves unfinished business to tends to, here.”

“So we'll wait a little longer for you, no big deal.”

“Ands den I ams moving to Göteborg. Got'enborg, whatevers you wants to calls it,” Skwisgaar added for the benefit of Pickles' confusion, although that had nothing to do with pronunciation. “I need some times to gets my head back in de game.”

“You can't do that at Mordhaus?”

“Mordhaus _ams_ de game.”

“Pretty schure Mordhausch isch juscht a plasche. . .” Murderface muttered under his breath to Toki's left, simply for the sake of argument. He went ignored, as Nathan's brow knitted together. A clenched fist would've preceded a flipped table once upon a time, but it relaxed as Abigail laid a hand over it. A smile from her smoothed Nathan's craggy face out, as well.

“How long are you going to need?”

“I amn't shores. When I'm all recuperateds, I wills be ready to fights our way backs to de top, though. At least now, we amn'ts under all dat pressure from Crystal Mountain.”

“What do you mean? We still have a contract, and the economy depends on us.”

“Not so much, actually,” Charles interjected. The number of times he'd gone over this with them resulted in a brief pinch of his nose. “Since we lifted the tribute band ban, other avenues for people to spend their money has offset your required output. Not to say it hasn't been slowing down, over the past year—”

“Schtill though, we can't let a bunch of ladiesch get ahead of usch.” Murderface leaned back in his seat with crossed arms. “That'sch not right. Metal ischn't a woman'sch game. It'sch aggresschive, loud, and—”

“What _ams_ it, abouts you and womens?” Skwisgaar asked, brow raised. “I'ves knowns plenties of womens dat ams bot' of dem t'ings. What I shoulds do ams record you saying dese t'ing and den plays it back de next time you ams whining about nots getting laids.”

“That'sch not the isschue at all!” Although he defended himself, glee emanated from Murderface to have his sparring partner back. “My problem isch that women are a bunch of schallow, dim-witted, cruel—ah. . .schorry, Abigail, that doeschn't include you.”

“Do go on,” she replied. “I'm considering which of my friends to hook you up with, based on this charming display.”

“Really? Which onesch? Cheryl'sch hot.”

“Mm, sorry. Just because I'm trying to come up with them doesn't mean I'm having any luck.”

“You puts too much importance on looks anyway,” Skwisgaar said as Murderface's grumbling trailed off. “Maybe some womens am shallows, but most of dem amn'ts. Your problem amn'ts dat you ams ugly, ams dat you haves a shits porsonality.”

“Hey!”

“You t'ink _anybodies_ want to be wit' someone dat considers dem inferior? Ja, dat ams real hot stuffs, dere.”

“Schtatischtically, women _like_ cranky men. They _like_ being told what to do. Look at Abigail and Nathan here—”

“Please don't use my relationship as your example,” Nathan requested.

“Juscht bear with me! Nathan'sch cranky! We all know how bosschy he can be! And Abigail, you love him, right?”

“I do, but for the record, he's not cranky and bossy with me.”

“Becausche you're schtepping on hisch ballsch, right?”

“No, because he respects me.” Abigail regarded Nathan fondly while brushing some black strands off his shoulder. “Face it Murderface, you don't have an audience here.”

“Picklesch?”

“Don't drag _me_ into yer bullcrap.”

Toki averted his gaze too, when Murderface looked around at him. “I don't believe thisch, I bet thisch isch why Dethklok isch having schuch a hard time. We're all turning schoft. You have thesche two here, grabbing at each other'sch dicksch—”

“ _Pff_ , jealous.”

Snickers broke out around the table; even Charles cleared his throat before assuming a straight face as Murderface huffed indignantly. “I'm not jealousch. In fact, I'm the farthescht thing away from it! I don't care.”

“If you don'ts care, then why you keeps bringing up the subject?” Toki asked. “Is just likes that time when you were tryings to shames me for likings having sex with a dudes.”

“Oh yeah? And what elsche did you confessch to doing? To women, that you liked?”

“Eatings them out, who cares?”

“Yeah, shut up Murderface, who cares?” Nathan brought his fist down on the table-top. “It's not as weird or rare as you seem to think. I ate Abigail out last night, what're you gonna say about _that?_ ”

Raucous laughter went around the table, through which Pickles held his hand out for a high-five from a red-faced Abigail. Consenting to it, she jabbed Nathan with her elbow afterward.

“You done yet, or what?” Nathan asked Murderface, who appeared closer to falling ill. Charles, at some point, had taken his leave.

“Ugh, yeah. I'm done. Fuck you guysch.”

Toki preferred to sit back and listen, as conversation flowed in and out of different topics. While Nathan and Murderface debated who was colder during their trip around the city the previous day, Skwisgaar turned around in his seat to accept something from a klokateer. It went straight into his mouth, followed by a sip of water. Later, after pancakes for dessert and a migration down a floor to the game room, Toki hailed Skwisgaar away from the others for a game of air hockey.

Normally he'd steam ahead in score, now that he and Skwisgaar competed in _his_ field, but compulsion to take his gaze off the table and eye the player instead resulted in the disk repeatedly slipping past his mallet. Every time it happened, Skwisgaar's smirk widened. With that, Toki grew even more distracted.

The game wasn't Toki's intent on pulling Skwisgaar aside, anyway. “Nots that is my business. . .”

“Hm?”

“I saws you take some pills at dinner.”

“Oh, ja. Ams. . .Ziagen and Norvir, dey ams called.”

“Whats is those for?”

“You knows.” Even though the others were out of sight and making one hell of a racket, Skwisgaar lowered his voice. “What we haves.”

The air hockey disk bounced off the edge of Toki's goal when he stilled. “You's being treateds for that?”

“Starteds in jail, ja. Backs in. . .October. Figureds if I was goings to gets myself as straighteneds out as I coulds, might as well get starteds on dat too.”

Proud, Toki smiled. “Dids you ever tell Gunnar you haves that?”

“Nah. Didn'ts want anyone but de doctors to know. Tolds him it was herpes.”

“Is curables, though.”

“But I am such a bigs whore dat I haves a super-herpes.”

“Thats is what you tolds him?”

“He was skepkikals, but it mades him puts a condom on.”

“I guess so longs as it work.” Toki giggled, then clapped his mallet against the table when he'd finally taken another point.

“So what abouts _you?_ ” Skwisgaar started a new round. “Dids you evers get your medications figured out?”

“Mhm. A lots of my depression was situationals, but the Combivirs wasn'ts helping. Guess you knows that already, from court. Um. . .I gots put on Emtriva for a whiles, but it didn'ts work out either. Now I's just on Complera.”

“Dat ams it?”

“Ja, one pills, just once a day. Really luckeds out.”

“I'll says. Dey gots me on four t'ing rights now, poppings pill all hours of de day. I nevers _was_ allergic to dat stuff, and I thought it woulds be de _other_ way around, dat dis woulds be easy for me and _you_ woulds have to takes de cocktail.”

“Ares you sayings you wish it on me?”

“No, I—damns.” Skwisgaar sighed as the disk yet again slipped by him. “I forgots I hates dis stupids game.”

“You only hates it because your fingers and wrists beings able to moves all fancy gots no importance, here. Is all about speeds, which Toki haves more of than you.”

“I sees you have takens to gloating, while I was aways.”

“I calls it self-confidence.”

“Well. . .ams a good look, evens if you ams catching up to my scores number.”

Despite how a compliment further elated Toki and maintained his distraction, he eventually pulled ahead and reached their pre-decided stopping point of fifteen goals. Skwisgaar declined a second game by tossing his mallet and crossing his arms. “You wants to play somet'ing else? Or we coulds go watch de other guys play foosball. Challenge de winners.”

“Maybes.” Not much for motivation struck Toki, as his mind slipped toward primality. Skwisgaar so concentrated on the game had endeared him crushingly, and Toki couldn't help but take inventory of his emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual needs. They all pointed to the one person that more than likely would let him sink his cock somewhere warm, tight, and wet. He'd be able to take more liberties with Skwisgaar than Anders, given their rapport, and he didn't need to worry about if he'd be asking too much either later or in the morning for a second round. Memory of how good Skwisgaar felt inside him as well rose the temperature of Toki's body to fever point.

Perceptive toward anything of this nature, Skwisgaar eyed Toki as he rounded to his side of the table. “You wanteds us to takes our time, didn'ts you say?”

A half-shrug preceded the tips of Toki's fingers skimming over Skwisgaar's upper arms. Only encouraging him further, goosebumps followed in their wake. “Tells me to stops, and I wills.”

“What about whats you said, about how it mights complicate t'ing?”

“Do you really thinks that'll happen? Thinks about how we were befores. What can'ts we get through, if we goings to be likes we beens today?” In the back of Toki's mind, it occurred that he'd have a lot of explaining to do. He'd promised Abigail he wouldn't do anything too rash, and what would his mother say? Abigail. . .she'd know _exactly_ what was up—they all would—if they poked their head over here to find both of them gone. His mother, well, who said she had to know? “Has nevers really been the sex that was complicateds.”

“Ams true. . .”

Toki could swear he heard Skwisgaar's heart pounding as he neared, and shallow breathing confirmed it. No differently occurred within his own chest. As he leaned up, gaze darting to large, slightly parted lips, he felt both the full weight of going so long without them as well as if they were still back in Skwisgaar's room at Mordhaus, sneaking in a quick make-out before having to fly to Nevada. It couldn't be one or the other, since they'd come so far since then. Warm air brushed Toki's bottom lip as gently as the mouth that followed. A hand on his hip and his own fingers grazing a heavy jaw separated them as need to refill their lungs rapidly transpired.

With his forehead rested against Skwisgaar's, warmth seeped slowly outward from the centre of Toki's chest. Like colour returned earlier, now the cold, dank world that existed when he faced it alone receded. It burned in his fingertips as it reached his extremities. Toki wanted to believe that he didn't need Skwisgaar, and maybe that was true. However, he couldn't deny now that something as simple as a kiss filled him back up. His hopes, his dreams—everything that went dashed upon Skwisgaar's arrest manifested again as an agent powerful enough to bring him to his knees with tears of happiness. Its weight situated behind his eyes, awaiting any sort of crack in the dam.

“I missed you, you knows?”

That did it; embarrassed, Toki's arms wrapped around Skwisgaar's neck. He carefully avoided wetting the other man's shirt, but the slightest sniffle gave him away anyway. When Skwisgaar tried to pull back in order to address it, Toki tightened his grip. What he needed right now was to be held like he hadn't been in over half a year, and to draw lungfuls from the crook of Skwisgaar's neck.

Realizing he'd never have to dream on this again only heightened his emotions further. “I missed you so _goddamns_ much.”

“I missed you toos.”

“Is weird, because it almost feel now like you nevers left at all. Likes this was just some bads nightscare I wokes up from on the Dethkopter, and we's playing in Stockholm tomorrow nights, or something. I nevers could believe this happened, and I still can'ts. How— _how_ —dids I go seven months without you?”

Skwisgaar raised a hand to his face as Toki spoke, and when they broke apart, he chuckled abashedly as he wiped his eyes again. “Odin, looks at us, huh? Couples of fucking crybabies.”

“I don'ts care. I crieds all the time. At least nows is because I's happy.” Laughter stilted a sob, catching oddly in Toki's throat. “I just can'ts believe how this day wents. Was supposed to be a death sentence, but. . .”

The ache to feel bare skin against his own—whether that placed Skwisgaar on top or beneath him—had Toki pulling him toward the elevator. A pounding throb in every square inch of him meant that as soon as the doors slid shut behind them, he had Skwisgaar pressed up against the side and the man's bottom lip lightly grasped between his teeth. Sucking on it fell short as a tongue traversed his philtrum, then delved into his mouth with a tilt of Skwisgaar's head. How were they going to do this? Toki couldn't decide how he wanted it, even though they had so much time to fuck any which way they pleased. His choice shifted along with their bodies, when Skwisgaar switched them and Toki's back pressed against the wall. Teeth and lips traversed his neck, and hands went up his shirt. He didn't mean to look, but catching sight of their mirrored image concentrated the thrum of desire between his legs.

Toki only wished they'd tried for patience when the elevator lurched well before their destined floor. It took every ounce of inner-strength he possessed—panic helped—to clap Skwisgaar on the shoulders. “Stop, stop. . .”

It didn't matter, anyway; the evidence was there. A small group of elderly men and women bustled in, along with whom Toki guessed were their teenaged grandchildren. With no other way to obscure his boner, Toki folded his hands in front of his crotch. Damn Skwisgaar and his self-control. Toki smiled at one of the women when she glanced in his direction, but a raised eyebrow and pursed lips meant that even though he didn't expose his arousal to her progeny, guilt was still written all across his face.

The teenagers nudged each other excitedly before the nearest one addressed them in Swedish. “You're Skwisgaar Skwigelf and Toki Wartooth, ja?”

“We just look like them.” It took Toki a half-second to recognize the adverb, having heard it in context a few times in his week thus far in Stockholm.

“Nej, nej, you _are_. Your faces have been everywhere! How does it feel, to be free?”

“We're not who you think we are. Wouldn't we be surrounded by klokateers, if we were in Dethklok?”

Skwisgaar's bullshit turned the teenagers sheepish enough to apologize, but the older folks weren't having it. Although they'd selected a floor beyond where Toki and Skwisgaar called to stop, the woman in charge of them all hit the button that would get them all off the quickest, leaving Toki to heavily exhale when the doors closed again. “Fuck.”

“Nice boners, älskling.”

“Screws you,” Toki told the laughing man. However, he couldn't remain _totally_ angry anymore, with use of that nickname returned. “Is all your faults.”

“At least I saveds your ass from havings to sign an autograph. Woulds has been exposed, den.”

“I alreadies was. That lady lookeds at me likes a piece of trash.”

“We kind of _ams_ trash for gettings all worked up in an elevator. What did we expecks?”

“To get up to my rooms in peace, was _my_ goals.”

It didn't stop them from doing it again, this time at least with less vigour. Intensity proved irrelevant as Skwisgaar palmed Toki through his jeans, killing their kiss with a gasp as efficiently as the press of their lips had ended a collective chuckle. “Wills you fuck me?”

Heavy eyelids were Skwisgaar's response, as well as an obvious grope. They had the sense to break apart again when the elevator reached the correct floor, just in case anyone waited to board, but an empty hallway had Toki grasping Skwisgaar's hand and jogging lightly to reach its end. Shaky fingers retrieved the card key from his pocket.

It occurred briefly to Toki that he'd fucked Anders here; would it really matter? Although, Skwisgaar bought an entire new bed for him, in order to erase the ghost of his hook-ups. “Um. . .”

“What?” A hand wandered back up the front of Toki's shirt.

“Me and that guy hookeds up in here.” Toki touched his arm. “We can goes to _your_ room, if you'd rather.”

Skwisgaar studied the bed, but ultimately shrugged. “Whatevers.”

“Is ups to you.”

“It don'ts bother me.” A soft gaze and faint smile preceded Skwisgaar tugging Toki's shirt off. He let out a low whistle as he looked him over afterward, inciting a deep, involuntary blush.

“Is a lots of physical labour involved, building a house,” Toki mumbled.

“See, dis am what I was talkings about, backs on de road trip.” Skwisgaar exposed his torso as well, dropping his shirt next to Toki's. “I workeds out in dere, and maybes I haves less fats onto me, but I'll nevers be any kinds of buff.”

“Aw, don't says it like that. You looks good.” The small overhang of fat around Skwisgaar's belt had disappeared, trading out for a trim stomach. Perhaps his muscles didn't bulge in similar manner to Toki's, but Toki could feel them under his skin.

His fingers skimmed the man's abdomen before rounding to his back. Their chests pressing along with their lips—finally in privacy—injected impatience into the situation. Toki's initial intention after getting Skwisgaar up here was for something sweet and gentle, but damn could that ever wait. Skwisgaar's belt clattered as shaking hands undid it while simultaneously pulling Skwisgaar toward the bed. “I don'ts care what it take, just gets inside me. _Now_.”

A groan turned into a smirk when Toki spread precum down Skwisgaar's cock. “Does you have any idea how much I thoughts about dat?”

“Probablies as much as _I_ did. I refused to stoops low enough to gets one of those dildo molds of your dick, but I was pretties damn close a couples time.”

“Ifs I coulds have, I wouldn'ts has considereds myself above gettings one of yours. You haves no idea how much I'ves missed it.”

“You were gettings fucked by Gunnar, weren'ts you?”

“Nots just any dick cut it, sometimes.”

Now that Skwisgaar's jeans hung off his ass, Toki's fly came undone as deftly as ever. No matter how often Toki returned the favour, he never seemed as fluid in the motion. He had so much time to practice now though, which made him giddy. With a grin, he sat Skwisgaar on the end of the bed and straddled his hips. “That so?”

“It mean somet'ing to fuck someone dat you love. Or dat loves _me_ ,” Skwisgaar added with a drawn-out kiss to Toki's left nipple. “You know what, fucks dis and puttings it off. Gets off your pants off.”

Nudity hadn't felt so comfortable in a long while, especially so when Toki no longer stood as a display before his lover and a slightly chilled body joined him beneath the sheets. After Skwisgaar warmed up—when his goosebumps stemmed from overstimulation rather than the winter held at bay—he rolled them to land between Toki's legs. A wet streak landed across his inner thigh.

“The fucks you waiting for?” Toki fished the bottle of lube out of the blankets and shoved it into Skwisgaar's hands. “Just fucks me, already.”

Preparation for it came easily enough on Skwisgaar's end. Toki, while making frequent enough use of a dildo, fell out of practice bottoming for a partner. He needed to pay twice as much attention to what Skwisgaar attempted, learned to relinquish control again, and was rewarded by his fingernails digging into the other man's lower back by their own accord.

However strong the blitz of orgasm, Toki only wished they could've lasted longer. All the sweat pooling between their stomachs should've called for something at _least_ half an hour in length. Oh well. Skwisgaar still and at ease while slumped on top of him was just about as good.

Toki kissed his cheek. “I loves you.”

“You toos.”

“Is goods to have you back.”

“Mm. Goods to _be_ back.” Skwisgaar lifted his head and swept his hair over one side. “Well, whats you t'ink? Nap and we goes again?” 


	106. But Wait

The habit of checking his bed for a second habitant never quite left Toki, even in Lillehammer. He'd grown accustomed to finding nothing, so when blond hair flowed over the pillow in dim, yellow lamplight, it took a moment for him to remember exactly how this situation arose. A grin and nuzzle to Skwisgaar's upper back preceded an arm around the man's middle. He didn't dare check his phone; by now, the others certainly would've noticed them missing.

His text alert indeed woke him. Toki ignored it the first few times it went off, although Skwisgaar lifted his head with a start when he'd been lulled close enough to consciousness. “What times am it?”

“I don'ts know, what it matter?”

“I haves to takes my last pill for de day at nine o'clocks.” Skwisgaar sat up and fitfully rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “Maybe dat ams de klokateers in charge of my medicatskins, tryings to call.”

“Is only. . .oh, is almost tens,” Toki informed him after checking his phone. “All the phones calls are from Abigail, anyway.”

“Fuck. I'll be rights back.”

“Can'ts we get someone to brings you the dumb pill? Comes back to bed and I'll calls Charles for you.”

Skwisgaar hesitated with his jeans in hand. The more he woke up, the closer to relaxed he seemed. Finally, with a rough sigh, he took a seat back on the bed's edge. “I gots used to times meaning everyt'ing. You miss somet'ing important? You miss somet'ing fun to makes up for it.”

Not having thought of it that way, Toki scratched his stubble against Skwisgaar's lower back. “You'll gets used to things being more laid back. I'm sorries you missed when you needs to takes your pill, though. Shoulds we get dressed and go finds it?”

“I cans. You shoulds retorn Abigail's call.” Skwisgaar leaned down for a kiss, smiling afterward. “I comes right back?”

After throwing on his boxers and seeing Skwisgaar off with one more lingering show of affection at the door, Toki laid on his stomach on the bed. He couldn't decide if he should feel satisfied or guilty for bringing Skwisgaar so quickly into his body after working hard and long to get every hint of him out. The only reason to feel bad was what face he might lose before his friends. Did they consider him a sap? Stupid? Or would they understand?

“Hey, you're alive.”

“Sorry, I was sleepings.” Toki feared the silence would turn awkward if he didn't speak again. “What's up? You calleds a few times.”

“Just trying to make sure you're staying out of trouble, and are okay. I probably don't have to ask where you and Skwisgaar ran off to, huh? Or what happened?”

Despite the anxiety toward Abigail's prospective reaction, Toki smiled. “Noes. . .”

“I thought you weren't going to rush into it this fast.”

“I thoughts I'd be ables to hold off, too. I can'ts, Abigail. When we sees each other evens after seven months, it no times at all compareds to how longs we've knowns each other. Spendings time with him today feel like nothings even happened. We ares who we ares, and. . .we's gonna be okay.”

“Do you want to meet somewhere, to talk about it? I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, I just want to hear what you have to say about it.”

“Um. . .” Skwisgaar probably wouldn't take too long to get his pill. Then again, Abigail would be leaving in the morning with the other guys, whereas Toki could spend a couple days with Skwisgaar before he needed to get back to work. Shit, he hadn't even called his mom since the verdict came out, and she probably worried about him. No doubt, she'd heard. “Sure. Gives me a couple minutes. Where dids you want to meet?”

A whore bath in the sink extinguished the lingering scent of sweat and sex. He waited for Skwisgaar to return, catching another kiss when the man stepped back into the room. “I needs to run down a couple floors real quicks.”

“Abigail?”

Toki nodded; he had a mess to clean up. Truly, any disapproval that his relationship earned was his own fault. He'd spent seven months bad-mouthing Skwisgaar in order to face a life free of the heartache he couldn't quite ever shake. Skwisgaar deserved an apology for that, like everyone else deserved an explanation. Possibly, as pathetic his attempt to move on was, they already _knew_.

Abigail let Toki into the room with a smile. “Nathan's down in the hot tub with Pickles and Murderface. Said I should send you and Skwisgaar along, when I saw you.”

“Rights.” Toki feared taking a seat amongst them before he had a chance to discuss this with Skwisgaar. At the very least, he wanted Skwisgaar to hear from _him_ the nasty things he'd wished to believe. “Befores you says anything, I wants you to know that I didn'ts expect it to happens this fast.”

“Toki, you've told me numerous times that you weren't over him. I can't say I'm totally shocked. It still worries me, though. . .I don't want you to be disappointed.”

Her lack of accusing tone settled Toki, though only slightly. While she sat cross-legged at the end of the bed, Toki pulled up one of the chairs. His and Skwisgaar's rush landed him tender in the ass, causing him to squirm into a position of comfort as he propped his feet up against the edge of the mattress. “I feels like such a dumbass, because of all the mean things I saids about him. Is whats I's always done, whenever he lets me down. Is easier to makes him seem like an asshole than to gets hurt.”

“You haven't painted a positive picture of him, although it didn't match how you usually handle someone as detrimental as that. The way I saw it, you could leave the other guys behind when they were misbehaving, but why never Skwisgaar? Does he have _that_ strong of a hold over you? _Are_ you liable to fall in with someone just because he sucked your dick? Is Skwisgaar _that_ manipulative, or did lack of closure just leave you jaded?”

“No closures really did a toll on me. Rathers than have Skwisgaar tells me, ja, I onlies liked you because you lets me fuck you, I hads to decide that for myself. Is easier to gets over someone when they's bad for you. As soon as you acknowledge goods qualities, then you starts reminiscing. I didn'ts want that.” Toki rubbed his face. “We's never been very opens about what happened while we were gones. You knows I was raped while we were kidnappeds, that he gaves me HIV, and thats the reason he and I wounds up not takings vacation together was because he saids the lady that tooks us wasn'ts all that bad. I was so quicks to tells you the bad things, and is all my faults if that's how you sees him. I nevers told you the good things, how he and I had so much fun befores we gots to Vegas, or how he helds me together after everythings went to Hell. He didn'ts know he was HIV-positive, and is my faults just as much as his that we were careless. He was high and I was in loves. Betweens those, there was no rooms for protection.”

“I just wish you weren't backtracking. It makes it hard to decipher which story I should believe.”

“I didn'ts think I would ever see him again, so what I saids about it didn't matter in a way.” Toki played with his hands. “All that mattereds was gettings him off my mind so that I could survives the rest of my life without him. Is hard, to gets over someone that mades your life so great. I hads to either hate or celebrate him, and onlies when someone dies can you talks about them as much as I wanteds to. No one you goings to date want to hear about some guy you love, when he stills alive. Whens they dead, you can respect a relatesingip that was torn from someone's grasp. Alive? They cans potentially get in the way, and if you so stucks on them, why don'ts you do all what's in your powers to be with them?”

“So, what about how you left off?” Abigail furrowed her brow. “You had that fight about that woman, he wouldn't see you in the hospital. . .?”

“We talkeds about that earlier today, hims and I. You don'ts know this, but when I was in Norway, he decideds he was ready to sees me again. I didn'ts go. I was just as guilties for seven months of not talking, because by the times he was stables enough to be readies for company, I was alreadies in the process of tryings to move on.”

“Why didn't you tell me that?”

“Because I didn'ts want anyone to say somethings about it that would make me go 'but wait'. I wanteds to perpetuate that he was dones with me, so I was dones with him. I didn'ts want anyone to see how much I foughts falling back into him, since I didn'ts win. I never _coulds_ get very far away from that.”

“I know, sweetie.” Abigail pat his foot. “I've never doubted that you loved him. I'm just concerned about what's going to happen now. Remember what we spoke about earlier, about sorting everything out before making any move back toward a relationship?”

“We dids, earlier. Most of its, at least. He's been nothings but honest and straight-forwards with me so far. I knows about his other boyfriend, and I knows why he killeds his mom.” That information explained Skwisgaar's attachment to Raina. The simple pledge to care for him without taking advantage of the sacred mother-son bond was probably something he'd craved ever since the strange relationship with Serveta first traversed the deadly space between. Considering all the hints along the way about what happened, had Skwisgaar _tried_ to tell Toki? Was it easier to be asked, rather than admit? Toki expected he would've been met by the same reaction as when pulling threads of abuse out of the other man in Kennewick. “It isn't somethings I can talk about, but it make sense. I understands and. . .probablies wouldn'ts has done any different, if I's honest.”

Toki attempted again to envision the scenario Skwisgaar went on to describe while they sat together down in the bar. Bringing up what transpired during Skwisgaar's mid-teen years, rather than incite a conversation that might lead to learning why, Serveta believed his interest lingered. Because of how often Toki had seen Skwisgaar balls-deep in a woman, it didn't take much imagination to recreate it again. However. . .to put Serveta's face and body in that place? The image took on a dream-like state, to see Skwisgaar as both a teenager and nearly middle-aged man in his mother's bed. The upset that had followed, from being compromised all over again by someone that should _never_ see him in sexual light, justified to a fractured mind fetching the biggest knife he could find from the kitchen.

 _I was lookings for my mom_ , would haunt Toki forever, as shaking hands mimicked the action necessary to break Serveta down to bone and tissue. The sight of blood, organs, and clumps of hair spread over the bed, as that need relinquished Skwisgaar, had led him to the medicine cabinet. However easily Toki understood that decision, with all the new information that came to light, he was incredibly happy that Skwisgaar didn't die crushed under such anguish. He was happy he didn't die period, even if it dropped the man to his personal rock bottom. With time he'd pulled himself up, and that's what Toki concentrated on.

“Nothing you can talk about, huh?”

“Sorries.”

“I can't help but be curious.” Abigail shrugged. “Whatever it is, it must be heavy. You can handle it?”

“I'll needs more time to understand it, and maybes more information from him, but I don't see why it shoulds be too much. I loves him, and I know he's bigger than this. I just wants him to be happy.”

Stepping back and observing Skwisgaar's life as a whole surrounding the circumstances of his adolescence brought a lump to Toki's throat. What would it be like, to leave his grandmother's home with hope that his mother would now be able to offer him safety and security? To have a couple happy years like that, in which Skwisgaar immersed himself into music and was lulled into a false sense of security? “Sorries. . .has beens an emotional day.”

“Aw, come here.”

After all the tears Toki already shed since waking that morning, he refused to release anymore. Still, he squeezed Abigail for all he was worth. “I's not meant to be alone, Abigail. I don'ts want that to be true because I don'ts want my happiness to depends on other people, but I's better off with them arounds me. I likes having lots of friends, why shoulds it be any different about who I haves a relatesingip with? I love Skwisgaar, he loves me, and this is nothings but good despite all the bullshits we boths have to go through. We's better off together. Don'ts that mean something?”

“So long as it's good, that's all that matters,” Abigail assured him. “I didn't call you down here to be a judge on your relationship, I hope you realize that. I'm only looking out for you. I don't want you blinded by the excitement of him being freed.”

“And I thanks you for that. I's okay, though. I's goings to be better than okay.” Toki heaved a sigh. “I'm so happies he's back, you haves no idea. This wasn't supposed to happens, and it wasn'ts his fault. We haves a few things we needs to sort out just because we's been apart for so long—lots of catchings up—but we's goings to be fine.”

“I want that for you. Just be careful, all right?” Abigail smoothed Toki's hair back. “I don't want you to get hurt, and I _especially_ don't want you to be let down again. So please take care of yourself.”

“You don'ts have to worry about old Toki,” he assured her. “I's not blindly in loves with him. I knows his faults and weak spots, and I don'ts let him gets away with anything. I nevers has, nevers will.”

“Well. . .keep me up on it. We're all leaving at nine in the morning, so. . .whatever comes after that, is up to you.”

“Rights.” The urge to see Skwisgaar again, aware that he lounged about his room upstairs, shot through Toki like a jolt of electricity. “Is okays if I gets back to him?”

“Yeah, yeah. I'm done my nagging.” Abigail tapped him in the shoulder with her fist, smiling. “Have fun, be safe, and all that.” 


	107. Second Run

“No fuckings way. I refuse to believe dat.”

“It'sch true! Go on Toki, tell him.”

“Planets Piss now has an albums and merchandise.” Joining the other guys in the hot tub offered further opportunity for them all to fill Skwisgaar in on their lives, before they would yet again go their separate ways. For old times' sake, Toki accepted the beer handed to him by Nathan. He'd already drank more than he should've earlier, down at the bar, but he refused to be a spoil-sport. With Skwisgaar beside him and fingertips softly tracing his upper thigh, Toki would go along with anything. “I gives the album a sevens out of ten.”

“A _scheven?_ ” Murderface shot back. “It'sch at leascht a nine-point-five!”

“Ehh. . .the production values isn't reallies all that great.”

“What do you mean? I did it all myschelf.”

“And dat ams more dan likely de problem.” Skwisgaar turned to Nathan while Murderface drained the rest of his beer mid-sulk. “So what abouts _you_ , den? You am stills wit' Abigail, how ams dat going?”

“Good, dude. This last year's been. . .we're engaged, hey?”

“Ams you?” Toki's eyebrows rose too, with the reminder. Right; he already knew that. Since nothing really changed after Nathan proposed, it easily slipped Toki's mind sometimes. “Congratuslatskins. When ams you gettings married?”

“Don't really know. We're not in that big of a rush, to tell you the truth. We've still only really been together for a little over two years. Our relationship's been really fucking good since last spring though, a lot more stable, so I know whether or not we get married tomorrow or in ten years we're gonna make it last.”

“Dat ams a good place to be.”

“So what about you? You two, or whatever? You ever think about getting hitched?”

Beer went down the wrong pipe in Toki's throat, sending him into a coughing fit. He emulated Skwisgaar's discomfort. “Ehhhh. . .amn't somet'ing we evers talked about.”

“Would you even _do_ that?”

“How abouts you lets us figure dat out and den we reports back to you, ah? Dat amn't somet'ing we cans just answer on de spot.”

“Scho what then, you _are_ thinking about it? Isch that it?”

Skwisgaar pressed his lips together, his show of refusal to be cornered. About ninety-percent sure he could field the question on his own, Toki cleared his throat in attempt to make rid of the lingering tickle. “I doubts it'll ever happens. Marriage—at least to me—is abouts promising yourself to one person forevers, and neithers of us thinks that way. I thinks even if we gots married, it wouldn'ts be like 'he's my husband and thats is more importants to me than whoevers else I fucking or dating'. I knows _I_ would get stucks on feelings like I's cheating, no matters what. And thens if we's dating other people, is likes those relatesingips aren'ts as importants.”

“Weren't you saying the other day that you wanted a wife and kids, Toki?”

“I saids a lot of things, when I was tryings to get over Skwis. The kids part is true. I wouldn'ts mind a couple little ones. I woulds want their mom around, but that doesn'ts mean I would marry _her_ , either. That wouldn'ts be fair. Woulds you be jealous or feels like I puts priority on hers, Skwis?”

“Woulds be hard not to. Ams going to be hards enough to deals wit' de idea of you havings kids because dat am so time-consuming. Nots to menskin dat de mom cans offer you somet'ing I can'ts.”

“Is just biologies, though. Nothings you can help,” Toki assured him with a squeeze of the hand underwater.

“Dat amn'ts exactly comforting. If I can'ts help it, den I haves no control about de situaskin.”

“It still don'ts mean that you and me woulds fizzle out. I'd still loves you and everyone needs a breaks from their kids once in a whiles. You and thems wouldn't be mutuallies exclusive, eithers. You thinks you wouldn'ts be alloweds around them, or something?”

“I don'ts know, wouldn'ts dey grow up wonderings why I ams dere?”

“Kids are pretties perceptives. So longs as they sees everyone is happy, they don'ts question it.”

“What ifs deir mom don'ts like me?”

“Ifs I was datings her and she couldn'ts get alongs with you, then why woulds I have kids with her?”

Skwisgaar shrugged, conceding to the logic; the other three guys listening in with parted lips froze him. “But maybes we shoulds talks about dis later. Anyone else been up to anyt'ing interesking?”

In the spirit of discussing kids, Toki expected Nathan to bring up the family he'd started to build with Abigail. When he didn't say anything, a reach for the phone fell short. Right. Abigail was going to wait until she could get an ultrasound, before telling him. How strange now, with Skwisgaar here, to know something no one else did. Would that change soon, or should Toki keep Abigail's secret? Well, so long as he knew it wouldn't go any further, right? Like telling his mom?

Up in their hotel room, Skwisgaar switched out his bathing suit for fresh underwear. “Ifs I can be honest for a minutes, I thoughts dat you would wants us to get hitched someday.”

“Is it disappointings?” Toki asked. “Because when it comes to those things, I wouldn'ts marry you anyway.”

“Me in partiklars?” Skwisgaar paused in tying back his hair. “But you woulds marry someone else?”

“I wouldn'ts marry you because I don'ts want to confine you, and we woulds never see eyes to eyes on what a marriage is. When that happens, isn'ts exactly a meaningful thing.” The band of Toki's boxers snapped against his hipbones. “And no, outs of respect to you, I wouldn'ts marry someone else. Is likes I saids in the hot tub, I don'ts want it to seems like I puts one relatesingip above anothers.”

“Kids are goings to does that, anyway.”

“Skwis, just don'ts worry about it. It isn'ts going to happen anytime soon, if it even _does_ happen.” Not wanting to fight about something non-existent, Toki grazed his fingertips over Skwisgaar's upper arm. “The onlies reason we talkings about marriage is because Nathan and Abigails are engaged, and we's only talking about me having kids because I didn'ts want that to be a surprise to you downs the road. Rights now, evens if marriage was a possibility, we nowheres near something like that. I don'ts have a lady in my life that I would considers having a baby with. I don'ts have a lady in my life, _period_. So just don't worries about it. Right now, is yous and me. Thats is all I seeings.”

The tension in Skwisgaar's shoulders melted away, but his expression still refused to soften. “So den why does dis keeps coming up?”

“Likes I said. It comes up with other people, and we spokes frankly today about things we someday want.”

“I gets it den, you want kids. Can we stops talking about it fors a little while?”

Toki's first reaction was a mess of annoyance and frustration, but he'd said the exact same thing to Skwisgaar once about merely fucking other people. A two minute time-out, wherein he brushed his teeth, pulled a deep sigh. When the options were practically infinite about the future, it was difficult not to see the worst-case scenario. If once upon a time he himself couldn't handle the idea of Skwisgaar putting his dick in other people, then how would it feel to know your boyfriend wanted something so large that he couldn't offer? Skwisgaar had children of course, and while Toki would _love_ it to be practical that Skwisgaar spend some time with them, he came into the relationship aware of it all. This was new, and oft-repeated through the course of one day, at that.

Underneath the blankets, Toki aimed for something closer to what Skwisgaar wanted. He wrapped his arms about him and kissed him on the shoulder. “This will probablies be the best sleep I's had in months.”

A nuzzle soothed Skwisgaar. “Dat nap earlier was somet'ing else, already.”

“Hmm. . .maybes I shoulds take it back. Wills be hard not to wakes up every ten minutes just to make sure you stills here. It hasn'ts completely sunks in yet.”

“Gives it a couple day.” Skwisgaar ran his fingers down the length of Toki's forearm. “Although I guess dat depend on our plans. We amn'ts going to de same place.”

“I wants to spends a little whiles with you befores I go back to Lillehammer.” Toki couldn't fathom any distance between them right now, after being toyed with so cruelly by it in the courtroom. “I's goings to have to fight everyday nots to get on the train and come sees you, afters I do.”

“You'll come visits me sometime, right?”

“Psh, ja.” Toki kissed his ear. “How longs do you think, until your apartment wills be ready to move into?”

“No ideas, but I'ms t'inking about heading for Göteborg as soons as I figures out what am happening wit' Gunnar.”

“You talks as if you knows is over.”

“It ams. He won'ts want me after knowing dat I slepts wit' you, and ifs I learned anyt'ing from you and me beings toget'er, ams dat he desorve de truth.”

Guilt touched Toki's stomach; regardless, he squeezed the other man a little bit tighter. He couldn't help but feel that Gunnar should've known what to expect, when trying for something with Skwisgaar Skwigelf. He himself had gone through this and, for that, Toki almost felt like tagging along to Häktet Sollentuna in order to ease the blow. However, no good would come from his presence. It wasn't his relationship, and if someone showed up all apologetic when Skwisgaar broke the news to _him_ , he'd be ready to tear them limb from limb. “When's you going?”

“Tomorrows, I t'ink, after we sees everyone off. I wants to leave Stockholm as soons as possible. Evens if dat lady amn'ts out of my olds place, a hotel room dere ams better dan a hotel rooms here.”

“Is true.” Getting out of here felt like moving forward; it also injected excitement into Toki, for how reminiscent this new run of freedom was of their last bolt for it. “I haves an idea.”

“Oh?”

“What abouts, insteads of flying to Göteborg, we droves?”

“Ams on de other sides of de country, you knows.”

“I knows where Göteborg is. Besides, we droves across an evens bigger country before. We coulds be there by dinner time, probablies.”

“Depends on de road conditions, but I t'ink ams less dan five-hundred kilometres away.” Skwisgaar rolled over to face Toki, then propped up on an elbow. “But I see what you ams doing, and I totallies approves.”

Toki grinned widely before lifting his head for a kiss. “We coulds almost do anything we wants, right now. If it wasn'ts the middles of winters, I woulds be taking you on a road trip all arounds the Baltic Sea, startings tomorrow.”

“We coulds do dat in de spring,” Skwisgaar suggested, “if we amn'ts back at Mordhaus, yet.”

Expression slipping back toward something contemplative, Toki rolled them in order to gain position between Skwisgaar's legs. A dark-haired version of the man visited Toki's mind, whether that meant they were back in Chicago, Spokane, Portland, or Reno. They now had the freedom they'd so desperately sought, during their road trip. Aside from Toki's obligations back in Norway, they could get in a car whenever they damn well felt like it. Considering that Toki built a new home for a new life, he and Skwisgaar could legitimately settle down. Both were viable options, and not mutually exclusive. With the economy not reliant on Dethklok, they weren't beholden to participate in the band.

“I thinks we should,” Toki agreed. “We can heads for Copenhagen, goes down and around that way first. . .”

“I'ms already excited for dis.” Skwisgaar's fingers ran back through Toki's hair. “Damn, I can'ts get over how dis _one day_ changed so much. T'inks about what we cans do, now. T'inks about de possibilities.”

“I ams. Believes me, I am.” Face buried against the other man's neck, Toki fended off the next wave of emotion. He felt as optimistic as when his and Skwisgaar's pan-American road trip altered trajectory toward easing them into a relationship. Toki already knew where he stood with Skwisgaar though, they wouldn't go it alone due to the lesson learned, and going back to Mordhaus truly _was_ their choice. For that, everything they dealt with between Vegas and tonight was worth it. They'd earned their freedom, rather than attempted to steal it, and they deserved all the good to come from that.

“Can I say somethings really gay, for a second?” Toki asked; a chuckle and squeeze of the shoulder offered permission. “Times likes this, I feels like I's already marrieds to you. I'm just so _excited_ about what's comings next. I mean, we can spends the rest of our lives together, whethers or not we's in the band. We don'ts need that to gets along—we's already learned that. I trulies believe that evens if we met somehow others than Dethklok, we would stills be like this. We can'ts ignore when things just _click_. You's my partner in every sense of the word, and I thinks how easily we slips back into this after so many months apart is testaments. I bets tons of marriages couldn't survive it, but we dids. So tries and tells us again that marriage is automaticallies the strongest kind of relatesingip.”

“I don'ts t'ink it have anyt'ing to does wit' the kinds of relatesingip people ams in, but de people demselves. Dere am lots of differents kind of marriages, just as dere am differents kind of friendsgip, whet'ers ams out of convenience or carings deeply about somebody. I don'ts want to shits on marriage because I'ms happy for Nat'an and Abigail, but I sees you tryings to reach a point dat dere am differents type of relatesingip for differents people, and dat marriage shouldn'ts automatically be de trump card.”

“Ja, that's exactlies it. I nevers understood why two dudes that loves each other for twenty-somes years couldn'ts get married in the States, but you cans marry a complete stranger in ten minutes, in Las Vegas. Sanctities of marriage, my ass.”

“It ams a pretty backward place over dere, sometimes.” Skwisgaar squeezed Toki with his knees. “Ones dat I really amn'ts in a rush to sees again.” 


	108. Wee Hours

In near-darkness, Toki took the chance to rectify faded memory of the body beneath him. No fantasy could ever compare to nails gently raking his back and Skwisgaar's heartbeat palpitating against where Toki's lips lingered on his throat. Sinking into the other man felt more familiar than any legitimate homecoming he ever experienced in his life. Hips lifted off the bed to bring him as deep as possible when the shiver of orgasm relented his body, followed by lips tracing a sweaty hairline.

If not for Skwisgaar's insistence, Toki would've fallen asleep in that position. Instead, a possessive arm went around the other man's shoulders. Later, when woken by its going numb, Toki instead cupped a fleshy ass. That wasn't the last time he jarred awake through the night, as expected; a dream that Skwisgaar instead needed to serve a life sentence briefly opened his eyes, then panic set in later when he'd rolled to face the other way and Skwisgaar wasn't immediately visible. However, the shift in position brought a furnace against his back.

Skwisgaar curled up, cheek pressed to the ridge between Toki's shoulder blades, mouth agape with nearly silent snores. When Toki shifted, he did too. The hope Toki hadn't woken him went thwarted by a rub of the eyes. “What times am it?”

“Too earlies. Go back to sleep, elskling.”

“Mm.” Toki rolling back over earned lips against his collar bone. “I missed beings able to talks to you in de middle of de night, though.”

“Got somethings interesting to say?” Toki teased him.

Skwisgaar shrugged. “You?”

“Cans I tell you something that you won't repeats to no one else, untils it isn't supposed to be a secrets, anymore?”

“Shores.”

“Has to does with kids, so I apolgesize for that. Abigail's pregnant.”

“She ams?” Skwisgaar came up eye-level with Toki. “How come Nat'an didn't say dat, last night? Or ams I totals idiot and missed it?”

“He don'ts know, yet. So shh, about it.”

“How comes he don'ts know? How comes _you_ knows?”

“She wants to haves an ultrasound first, to make sure. I think she nervous, and kinds of wanting to holds off if possible. I cans see from her perspective, that if she nots pregnant, is betters not to get the idea into Nathan's head. He mights push for it, to avoids being disappointed he nots going to be a dad.”

“Ams a good time to haves a kid, maybes. De band amn'ts active, so Nat'an woulds be available to helps out.”

“Doesn'ts do no goods, if Abigail's nots ready. Then agains, she might starts to feel her clock going, soons. She turnings thirty in the spring, afters all.”

“De last ones to hit de big t'ree-zero,” Skwisgaar chuckled. “Depends if she wanteds kid to starts.”

“She dids. I's just lettings her does whatever she feel she needs to, withouts questioning it. Is her bodies, her fiancé, hers decision. All I cans be is a friend or an ear, if she needs it.”

“Ams a good policy. I can'ts help but feels a little shitty dat I founds out before Nat'an, though.”

“Sorries.” 

“Not'ings to does about it now. Oh wells, I'll just act sorprised when Nat'an tells me, and I won'ts menskin anyt'ing to Abigail.”

“I wanteds to tell you because is weirds to know something that _you_ don'ts. I cans keep that kind of thing to myselfs in the future, if you woulds rather.”

“Whatsever.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “Am shitties for Nat'an, but I likes to know for myself.”

“Of course you does.” Toki pressed his lips to Skwisgaar's forehead. “I can't sees it taking more than a few weeks for her to makes it to a doctor. Then Nathans will know and we can stops pretending that we's ignorants.”

“I ams trying to imagine hims as a dad. It amn'ts going too wells. Nots dat I don't t'ink he'll be goods. Hims dad was hards on him, I hopes he don'ts treat his own kid de sames way. Nat'an wasted a lots of times moping about not makings de right choices in life, just because his dads might not approve. Maybes I don'ts have de greatest experience wit' parents—or dat much of it—but evens _I_ know dat pressurings a kid won'ts make dem does what you wants. Will onlies make dem anxious.”

“Nathans isn't my dad, but I really hopes that his own kid gets a different experience than I has. He cans be downright cruel, when tryings to get his way. I nevers like to admit it, but he's mades me cry so many times. Almost as many times as _you_ haves, about band stuff.”

“Ja. . .onlies time will tells, on dat. I don'ts t'ink dat Abigail woulds let him gets away wit' it.”

“I can sees her shuttings it down.” It never quite worked in affecting how Nathan treated Toki, but it had to be different when it came to his offspring. “I didn'ts get to tell you this, but Nathans apolgesized to me last weeks about how he treateds me before I lefts for Norway. Nearlies threw up blood in the hot tub downstairs, doings it.”

“He seemed more calm. I thoughts he was just happies dat I gots out. Ams good, though. He trieds to apolgesac to me too, I t'inks. . .backs at de courthouse, he stoods dere for like ten seconds squeezings my shoulder, saids I knew what he was tryings to say. Though dat coulds has been hims way of sayings he was happy I backs?”

“Nevers really know, with him. Tries both, maybe.”

“I can'ts believe he didn'ts make more of a fuss about us nots going wit' dem to Mordhaus.”

“Well, I was supposed to alreadies be gone, and you were supposed to be gones for at least six years. I thinks he understands how lucky he is, thats we's both here. So why woulds he push that luck?”

“What does you mean, you were alreadies going to be gone?” Skwisgaar furrowed his brow. “You weren't stayings for the verdict?”

“No. . .” A guilty smile followed, along with fingertips skimming Skwisgaar's chest. “Afters giving my testimony, I was too exhausteds to deal with the whole things anymore. I was alreadies looking at spendings the rest of my life without you, and it didn'ts help that Nathan was stills being a jerk. Remindeds me why I rans for Norway in the first place. I'd barelies talked to anys of them, since.

“I's glad I stayed, though. I wouldn'ts have, if Nathan didn't apolgesize, and if I didn'ts, well. . .I don'ts know ifs I woulds has come back when I heards you were free, to tells you the truth. I was terrifieds enough how it changed my plans. But I's not that stubborns. Probablies all you hads to do was call or shows up, and I was toast. I always was, when it comes to you.”

“I can'ts be mad dat you dids t'ing like dat when you didn'ts know I woulds be gettings out, but it still suck to hear how hards you trieds to forgets about me.”

“Was basic survivals. I woulds has gone crazy, moonings over you for the rest of my life without actuallies being ables to _have_ you.” Toki teared up at the very idea, bringing heat up to his cheeks. “Is stupids to talks about too, since you already apolgesize for it and I forgaves you, but you brokes my heart. I admits I wasn'ts totally innocent in how things happened after you gots arrested, but you wouldn't sees me, wouldn'ts talk to me. . .I didn'ts know what else to do. Is easy to say in hindsight that I shoulds has held on. I oweds us that. But the longer I stayed, the mores it hurt.”

“I don'ts like to t'ink dat every times I ever fuck up, you ams goings to t'row me away and gives up.”

“You haves to admit, this was different, Skwis. And keeps in mind, this kind of thing happeneds to me so many times befores. . .I'd get all stupids on you, then somethings would happen and I hads to push you outs of my mind. If you weres goings to winds up in prison. . .” Toki licked his lips. “That was the lasts of it I coulds take. I couldn'ts ever get my hopes up like that again. This nearlies _killed_ me, and I _hads_ to rails as hards against you as I coulds because I didn't stands a chance otherwise. Is hells without you.”

“I. . .admiks dat I coulds has done more, and sooners.” Skwisgaar settled closer to Toki, so as to better avoid eye contact. “I knew I woulds have to tell you why I dids it, so dats you would underskand. It paralyzed me wit' fear, though. I didn'ts want you to t'inks I was a freak, because den you woulds be gone for shore.”

“Hows I reacted when I founds out yesterday is hows I woulds has reacted then. Lets me tell you Skwis, there's nothings you coulds ever tells me about yourself that I woulds be like 'oh, this is the thing that makes me dones with him'. Well, unless it involveds kids and maybes animals.”

“Ugh, don'ts worries about dat.”

“So theres you goes.” Toki kissed the top of his head. “I wants to say it all shouldn't matter now, but I wants to be realistics. There's been some brokens trust, on both sides. Ifs you evers having a time when you mads about me abandonings you—which I dids, I admits—you cans bring it to me.”

“And ifs you don'ts t'ink I ams being honest or opens, goes aheads and brings it to me, too. I shoulds has known better. I t'inks I was stills in shock, too. I _stills_ am, really. Ams hard to believe dat my mom ams gone, and dat I ams de one dat mades it so. When I t'ink about dat night, ams like a nightscare. Ams like I onlies woke up yesterday.”

“I feels you a hundreds-percent on thats. Is weirds that we actually in Stockholm, nots in your bed back at Mordhaus, you gots a boyfriend, and I actually slepts with someone else. . .”

“How dids dat go, anyway? Any hang-ups?”

“Noes, actually. Wents really well! Pickle gaves me a pill for ifs I neededs it, but I wounds up not. I feels kind of bad, though. . .the reasons I approached him in the first place is because he lookeds like you, but I wounds up enjoyings him for _hims_ , in the end. I hopes, if he evers want anything to does with me, that isn'ts insultings.”

“What was he likes, anyway?”

“A professor, overs at Stockholm University. He studies langsguage. Hads his nipples pierced, funs things like that. Really exciteds about things what he loves.”

“I couldn'ts help but notice a resemblansk unsto me, when I reads de article.” Skwisgaar chuckled. “Evens if it hort a bit. He sound interesking, anyway.”

“You's okay about it?”

“I knews dis was coming, so I just needs to gets de hang of it. I don'ts like de idea dat I coulds be replaced.”

“You can'ts be. If you takes anything from the last seven months, please believes that.” Toki lifted his chin for a kiss. “You'res one of a kinds, Skwis. Thinks about it this way: you cans fuck more than one person at a times and stills loves me—hells, you gots Gunnar too, so you knows what is like to dates more than one person. Evens if we haven'ts had the opportunity yet to figures out balancing more than ones relatesingip at a time, you knows that carings about someone else doesn'ts mean I cares about you less.”

“Ja. . .am just somet'ing to gets used to, I guess.”

“I gots used to it, with you sleepings with other people. Just takes a bit of time. We cans talk about it forevers and ever, but that isn'ts really any goods untils is put to the test. I knows from experience that you'll comes back to me and that it don'ts change anything about how we gets along or fucks, so is okay. Datings is. . .a steps up from that, admittedsly, but is possibles to figure out.”

“How ams it, from your porspective?”

“I thinks about it like how I haves lots of friends. I haves these emotional connections to people, and some of thems I sleeps with. With yous, is like. . .this is goings to be another gay thing to say, but you makes me whole. Other peoples might comes and goes, but I needs you all the time. We seems to stay on the sames wave-length, and I needs that in my life, no matters who else is arounds.”

“I didn'ts t'ink I woulds be ables to date ot'er peoples, dat I woulds just wants to sleeps wit' dem, but I don'ts know. Maybes dat ams changing?” Skwisgaar rolled onto his back and folded his fingers over his stomach. “I finds dat hard to tells you, though. I'm scareds to hort you, like maybes you will t'ink dat I ams less interesked in yous because I am seeing someones else too?”

“Nots really. I sees it kinds of like you fuckings other people. I actuallies wish you _dids_ have more friends, whethers you sleepings with them or nots. I hates the idea of you beings lonely. Is why I'm curious about you and Gunnar.”

“Ams you?”

“You didn't says much about it, like what he's likes or how you gots together in the first place, besides that you were ins group therapy together. Is its kind of pointless to ask, in your eye, since mights end today?”

“It _ams_ goings to ends, today,” Skwisgaar reiterated. “One t'ing about dishings out all your bullshit am dat dey all knews about you and me. Gunnar was always jealous abouts you, and ifs I was ever mopings for any reason he thought it was because you were ons my mind. To his credits, he was rights a lot of de time.”

“Oh.” Toki chewed briefly on his lip. “It isn't somethings I haves to worry about, right? Ifs he gets out of prison withs a vendetta on his mind, or has outsides connections?”

“I don'ts think so. He was a lots better about his problems when I left, and he haves another four year to serves, I t'ink?”

“What gots him in there, anyway?”

Skwisgaar adopted a tight smile. “Uhh. . .is pretties bad. I wrotes him off for de longest time dat he was just a gross piece of shit, but he grews on me.”

“Now you knows that onlies going to makes me more curious.”

“He was one of dem neo-Nazis. He gots put away because basicallies he was breeding his younger sisters to makes geneticallies superior Aryan babies.”

Toki's jaw went slack; that wasn't exactly the first (or within the first _hundred_ ) guesses he would've made, especially for someone that Skwisgaar eventually became romantically involved with. “I—huh. So. . .how exactlies dids you and him comes around, with that?”

“He starteds to see what a gross pile of shit he was too, for starters. You know what people like dat ams like, anyway. De hate and anger ams just a mask. Unless you am psycho, but he definitelies wasn'ts that. Tooks a while to actually realize that, though. Me and hims, we helds out the longest on talkings about what landeds us in prison. Well, for me, everyone already heards what I did, dey were just waitings for an explansation.”

“Hm.” Toki disliked hearing details about Gunnar, but for a reason deeper than Skwisgaar's other boyfriend merely becoming a reality. He dreaded later today as much as Skwisgaar, for when this man's heart would be broken and he'd lose someone that Toki himself couldn't ever fully function without. Skwisgaar was something special, and a large part of Toki would die if within twenty-four hours of learning Skwisgaar would no longer be around, he'd already gone back to his questionably ex-boyfriend and this was goodbye. Having semi-gone through it anyway, Toki resituated tightly against Skwisgaar. “Maybes we shoulds get more sleep. Is goings to be a long day, if you goings to speaks with him and then we's goings to drive to Göteborg. I's not closing the discussions on him, but we'll haves plenty of times to talks about it when we hits the road.”

“Ams true.” Skwisgaar sighed. “Dis ams going to suck.”

“You don'ts have to hides from me, if you am sads or upset by its, bys the way. I cans handle it.”

“Okay.” After a pause, Toki earned a kiss to the temple. “T'anks you for being so underskanding.”

“This is whats we do, isn'ts it? I loves you, and thats mean evens if you breakings up with your boyfriend or he's breakings up with you, I's goings to be there for you.” 


	109. Homesick

“You're ah, sure this is the route you want to go? It's not too late for me to book you a flight.”

“We'lls be fine. I's used to winter driving, on ways worse roads than the highway is goings to be.” Toki assured Charles with a smile. “Those klokateers is goings to be watching out for us too, so you don'ts have to worry.”

That was the unspoken concern amongst the band, as they waited at the airport for the Dethjet to be refuelled. A long day stretched ahead for everyone, although Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface would more than likely fall right back to sleep once they boarded. Even Abigail relinquished the odd yawn. “Regardless, you'll keep in contact? I'll have my phone on again, by the time you two are even out of the city.”

“We wills.” A brief hug sealed Toki's promise. Mindful of Charles' personal space, Toki moved down the line of bandmates to earn a 'take care dood' and 'schee ya later, pal'. Nathan clapped him hard enough on the back to force some air from his lungs and Abigail squeezed emotion up into his throat. “Takes care of yourself.”

“I want to see you again, sooner this time.”

“We'll makes it happen.”

Charles cleared his throat and pushed his glasses back up his nose after Skwisgaar shook his hand, fist-bumped the guys, and gave Abigail a quick one-armed hug. “3579 and 12098 here will be in charge of getting you safely across Sweden, and when you arrive they'll be joined by another that will be going to Lillehammer with you, Toki. I went ahead and slated for that replacement klokateer to be sent straight to Gothenburg.”

“Sounds good.” Despite the pre-emptive ache in Toki's chest that came with missing his friends, he maintained a neutral demeanour. “I guess this is its then, for now.”

Nathan shoved Toki's shoulder amiably. “Yeah, yeah, get the fuck out of here before I force you onto the plane with us.”

Before the gate could disappear from view, Toki slowed to a stop in order to watch their friends' retreating backs. Although he'd see them soon enough over Skype or the more reliable video conference program Charles preferred for band business, it sucked this time for them to go. Toki never once looked back when departing for Norway, objective proof that their collective relationship was indeed improving. It gave Toki confidence that, one day, they would all be able to live together again.

“My lords,” one of the plainclothes klokateers prompted them, “your rental car should be ready.”

Standing behind a line of regular jack-offs also aiming to collect a set of keys fed Toki a wave of nostalgia. He'd grown used to blending in with such a crowd, but with Skwisgaar back at his side he developed the same giddiness as when their American road trip was first suggested. It took everything he had not to pick Skwisgaar up and swing him around; instead, he slipped their fingers together. His smile went returned tightly, reminding Toki of where they needed to stop before following the E4 southwest.

“How's you doings?”

“Norvous as all fuck.” Skwisgaar released a shuddering sigh. “Oh wells. . .dere ams no avoidings it. I'll just gets it over wit', and den we cans gets out of dis horrible place.”

Thanks to general ignorance regarding correctional facilities in Scandinavia, Toki expected something completely different when the GPS brought them to Häktet Sollentuna. Situated across from the train station, it appeared just like any other administrative building. A plaque level with the top floor of a heavily windowed, off-white establishment reading Kriminalvården gave its societal function away. “This don't look so bads.”

“It ams an okay place.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “Dey kepts it cleans and peaceful because de demons dey wants you to face ams insides _you_ , not whatevers dey or de ot'er prisoners coulds t'row your way.”

Toki intended to leave the Volvo running so that he didn't get cold. Uncertain if Skwisgaar was aware of that—if he waited for the engine to cut—Toki squeezed his hand. “You goings?”

“Workings up to it. Ams weird, to sees it from de outside like dis.”

“Hey.” Toki leaned over to kiss the side of his head. “You're gonna do just fine.”

“I hope so.” In search for something to quell his nerves first, Skwisgaar pressed their lips together. Toki sensed guilt for making out so close to the grounds on which Skwisgaar established an entirely different relationship—with someone that wouldn't approve, at that. As Skwisgaar studied Toki afterward, allowing for a cool thumb to traverse his warm cheek, resolve solidified in his stature. “I'll be backs in a bit.”

“Takes all the time you needs.”

Toki had his own program to accomplish while Skwisgaar tended to that. He waited for his mother to answer her phone, but wound up getting her voicemail instead. Just as he was about to end the call, he second-guessed leaving a message. “Hey Mor, it's me. You must be outside, or something. Um. . .figured I should give you an update on what's going on, since you're probably wondering. Don't know if you saw the news or not, but Skwisgaar was found not-guilty. I'm—we're just about to leave Stockholm. I'll be on the road for the better part of the day, but I'll call you back later tonight so that we can talk about it. It's not something you should hear about like this.”

It didn't exactly matter, with that sign-off; she had to realize exactly what he meant to inform her. To distract himself from that, as well as concern over how things went for Skwisgaar, Toki tilted his seat back and brought up the latest game he'd been trying to beat on his phone. Reclining to play a puzzle didn't fare well against heavy eyelids, especially when the coffee he'd drank on the way up to the airport wore off. He started awake when the passenger door opened, gazing owlishly at Skwisgaar until his mind returned.

“How it goes?”

Difficult to read by his demeanour, Skwisgaar's lips parted and his eyes darted about as he sought an answer. He reached sporadically for his seatbelt. “Cans we just gets on de road?”

“Sure.”

Toki wouldn't push Skwisgaar to speak on it, no matter how much it obviously bothered him. The sky's grey clouds emulated within the car as they headed southwest, tempting curiosity. However, as Skwisgaar remained silent, gaze directed out the window while Stockholm's outskirts slowly graduated to fringe cities and wilderness, his thick, bottled emotion choked Toki just as acutely. After they passed through Södertälje, Toki neared the point of cracking his window for some semblance of relief against stuffiness.

Skwisgaar exhaled deeply through his nose before it could be accomplished. “Woulds you pulls over for a moments, please?”

“Sure.” When Toki hit the blinker, the car behind them followed suit. “Everything okay?”

“Noes.” Skwisgaar's seatbelt clacked against the window in his haste to escape. Toki glimpsed teeming eyes, freezing him to his seat. The klokateers were dismissed with a wave when they approached where Skwisgaar perched on the edge of a large rock. He couldn't sit out there alone, Toki concluded, so he hesitantly got out of the vehicle. The sharp rise and fall of Skwisgaar's back, somewhat hidden by how a light wind jostled his hair, was unmistakeable. Even if Toki didn't know Skwisgaar, he couldn't mistake gulping gasps and rough sniffles. His heart sunk toward his stomach, fighting with himself still about whether or not he should approach.

“Skwis, does you wants to be alones right now, or cans I comes over?”

A shake of the head didn't give Toki any sort of clue. Biting the bullet, he rounded the rock to where Skwisgaar's face was pressed into his sweater arms. Toki crouched down before him and rested a hand on the other man's trembling elbow; aside from being upset, the cold seeped in. “Is this because of hims?”

“A bits.” Wool muffled Skwisgaar's voice. “Ams just nots a great day. I've said so manies goodbyes already, and now I amn'ts ever coming back to Stockholm or Sollentuna ifs I can help it. Den I start t'inking abouts my mom and mormor and how sads I was to comes here when I was a kid, and I can'ts ever go back because I haves no ones to go _to_ , and I's garbage because I miss my moms and I loves her but I'm such a screw-ups dat she ams gone. . .”

“Has beens rough.” It wasn't even noon, yet. Toki looked forward to revisiting the excitement of a road trip, but he hadn't considered just how extensively bittersweet leaving Stockholm behind would be, for Skwisgaar. “You does that thing like, you haves all these roots put down in different places, so no matters where you go you's got somewhere to miss.”

“Ams too much. I don'ts know where to goes. I wants to go homes, but I gots no idea where in de world dat ams.”

Toki wished for a moment that they'd taken the E18 toward Norway instead, where a bare but insulated house offered a fresh canvass. That wasn't possible—not yet—and Skwisgaar chose Göteborg for himself, so Toki wouldn't push for anything different. For now, he stood back up and let Skwisgaar's death-grip come around his waist, face pressed against his stomach. As horrible as it could be to cry like this, Toki knew from experience that Skwisgaar would feel reborn afterward. He ran his fingers gently through cool blond hair, waiting for the shaking figure clutching him to subside solely to shivers thanks to the subzero temperature they weathered.

When that came, Skwisgaar's warm breath blossomed over Toki's abdomen through his shirt upon exhale. “Gods fucking damn it.”

“Ares you cold?”

“Ands exhausked.”

“Readies to come back to the car?”

Blotchy cheeks and bloodshot eyes rarely ever looked good. Looking past it though, Toki saw what he'd seen so many times in the mirror, if he ever glimpsed himself after a good ugly cry. Whatever caused the upset fractured, losing its hold. Skwisgaar took the first breaths back toward calmness, averting his gaze until Toki's fingertips ran again through his hair.

“I apolgesac,” Skwisgaar mumbled. “It amn'ts all dat I'm sads. I'ms happy too, and dat make it all de more confusings. I'm happies to go to Göteborg because it torned out to be a goods place for me, and I'ms happy you comings wit' me, evens if you won't be stayings. I don'ts want you to t'ink dat you ams pulling me along on somet'ing I don'ts want to does.”

“I don'ts, elskling.” Toki crouched again. “You haves a lot of stuff goings on. Is okay. Is onlies natural to grieves.”

“I thoughts I got dis all out of my systems, in Sollentuna.”

“There are still nights when I cries about things I shoulds has stops doing that for. The worst thing you coulds do is holds it inside. So this was goods. You's probably cold and a littles bit ashamed, but I's prouds of you. You handles it well.”

“Ugh.” With the wrist of his sweater balled in his grasp, Skwisgaar wiped his face. “I needs a fucking nap. And a stupids tissue to blows my dumb nose wit'.”

Skwisgaar's teeth chattered when he resumed the passenger seat. He looked closer to his age, with bags under his eyes and a blue pallor to his skin. Using Toki's jacket as a pillow and his own as a blanket, he'd passed out nearly before they plateaued again at a safe speed. Toki decided against turning on the radio, unwilling to disturb, which made for a boring drive. He found himself wishing they'd taken Charles' offer to travel to Göteborg via air, whether that meant getting dropped off by the Dethjet or going coach, but it was better that Skwisgaar did this away from the other guys or the general public. The last rumour that needed to circulate, after everything else pertaining to Skwisgaar these past seven months, was that he'd totally cracked.

Need to protect consumed Toki as he repeatedly glanced over at the other man. He could appreciate how emotional relocating from Stockholm to Göteborg again must be, after everything that led up to this current move as well as the one undertaken when he was eight years old. Both times, Skwisgaar didn't anticipate being yanked from his environment, although at least choosing where he got to go this time should make it easier. Then again, it'd probably go a lot smoother if his mormor hadn't passed away in the meantime.

The sun already headed for the horizon as a fresh set of fringe cities pulled Toki and Skwisgaar toward the Kattegat coastline. A phone call from their escorts put Toki on the shoulder as they all figured out where to go for the night, as well as which vehicle should lead. Deciding against driving in Göteborg, Toki relented his seat to 3579.

He shook Skwisgaar's shoulder as gently as necessary, to wake him. “Hey, comes in the back.”

“Huh. . .I don't says dis too often, but I don'ts t'ink I'ms in de mood.”

“Nots to fuck.” Toki chuckled. “We's in Mölnlycke. Come sits with me, I's not drivings anymore.”

Skwisgaar resituated with his head on Toki's shoulder, yawning widely. “I didn'ts want to keep you up last night, but I didn't sleeps all dat great. On tops of today. . .wakes me up when de snow melt.”

“I haves a lot of sleep to catch up on, too. I's not exactly used to driving for so longs, either. Winter time is differents than the spring, takes a lots more concentrations.” Toki wrapped an arm around the other man. “Maybes that what we shoulds do, tonight. Just sleeps. Whats you think?”

“We coulds. I might not says no to a bath and a blow jobs, later.”

“'Course you wouldn'ts.” 


	110. Göteborg

They didn't go far into the city, hardly off the Route that carried them right from Stockholm's airport toward Göteborg's city centre. After claiming the Grand Executive Suite at Upper House, Toki preferred to glue himself to a two-storey tall window rather than explore their accommodations with Skwisgaar. He had no idea, when the klokateers consulted on this location with Charles, that it was right across the street from an amusement park.

With another catnap under his belt, Skwisgaar had perked significantly from the crappy mood that plagued them across the country. He startled Toki with a gentle hand on his back. “You should see dis bathtub. Come sits in it wit' me, ah?”

“Sure.” Happy to see Skwisgaar lighter about the shoulders, Toki leaned up to kiss him. “Go starts it. I needs to make a phone call first.”

Once again, Toki waited for his mother to pick up. It was a little strange that she hadn't contacted him in so many days, making him worry briefly that something was wrong. His fear yielded though, when the call connected on the other end. “Hi, Mor.”

“How's my little son, tonight?”

“Pretty good. . .” Unsure whether she got his message earlier or not, Toki hesitated. “We just got to Göteborg.”

“Göteborg? What're you doing there? Sorry, the power's been spotty, so I'm not sure that my phone's receiving all my texts and calls. We got a lot of snow. Only by the grace of God did I make it home the same day I left Stockholm.”

“Wowie, there's been nothing like that here.” Oh god though, how much did Toki need to explain to his mom? First things first. . . “You know the outcome of the trial, right?”

“Ja, of course. I caught it on the radio, and even if I hadn't, one of the klokateers came in to tell me. . .oh, Toki.”

The disappointment in her tone razed through Toki, subconsciously raising a hand to his chest as protection. “Please just hear me out, okay? I know from the outside it probably seems really stupid and like I'm kidding myself after everything I've said about him, but it's not like that. Won't you give him a chance?”

“I don't understand why _you're_ giving him a second one. Or a third, fourth. . .whichever number you're on. From what you've told me, this man is nothing but detrimental to your health. Not to mention, he's a murderer.”

“Do you really think I'd take him back, if the issue were so black and white?”

“You've struggled against him for so long, for the sake of getting better, and I'd hate to see you lose now.”

“How would you even know the difference, between when I have him in my life and when I don't? You never saw how happy I was—how happy _we_ were—before the shit hit the fan. You didn't even know that's why I came home in the first place. All you know about him is what I said when I was trying to get him out of my head, so you don't really have a right to judge.” Toki's chest grew raw as his defensiveness intensified. Like with everyone else, he needed to fill the hole he'd dug regarding his and Skwisgaar's relationship. Anja more than anyone else would take work, since all she'd _ever_ heard about Skwisgaar was bad news. It put a total damper on the prospect of bringing Skwisgaar home with him, even though his mother had no right to refute the notion if Toki no longer lived under her roof. Still. . .he wanted Skwisgaar to get along with her at least as a neighbour, if not one day as family.

“I don't appreciate the way you're speaking to me. I'm not even mad, Toki. I just want to understand.”

“It doesn't change the fact that you don't approve.”

“At the moment, nei, I can't say that I do. This is so sudden and unexpected.”

“I'm well aware that it's sudden, but it's not so unexpected when you understand the entire situation. I can't help that I love him, Mor. I can't help that he makes me happy. He's the one that I want to bring home for you to meet, so you might as well get used to it.”

“Don't take that tone with me. You can't just spring this on me and expect me to react with anything other than confusion. Have you considered this from _my_ perspective? You want to bring home someone that killed his mother, who happened to be a friend of mine. Not to mention, he's been nothing but cruel to you through the years.”

“That's not true. You just won't give him a chance.”

“You won't give _me_ a chance, either. I know you're excited, but hear me out. You need to take stock of the situation, rather than just. . .jump back into this.”

“I already have. All of that, I jumped back into it and I took stock of the situation. I'm not dumb, Mor. I'm capable of protecting myself, if need be. I was going to run home when the verdict came back but I—I couldn't. You don't understand, it's like all that time we were apart didn't matter. You were loyal to Far for _years_ , you know how it is when you're with someone.”

“Do yourself a favour and don't compare your relationship to your father and I's marriage. It's not a good thing.”

“I'm _not_ comparing relationships.” Now, Toki grew frustrated. “You know what it's like to be beholden to someone. Ja, if he came out of this mess like a jerk that didn't change, I'd already be back there with you. He didn't though, Mor. He's so sweet, and he's so good for me. I hope you'll have the chance to see that someday, because I'm unsinkable when I'm with him.”

Unwilling to participate in the conversation any longer, Toki hung up. At first, his mother's words injected fear; what if she was right? That went immediately refuted though, as Toki compared how each of them individually understood Skwisgaar. It would change for her, he told himself. All his mother needed to do was come to know this awkward, stupid dork the same way _he_ had.

Toki took a deep breath before ascending the spiral staircase to the suite's second floor. The bathtub still ran as he passed through the bedroom, increasing confidence that Skwisgaar hadn't heard. A small, peaceful smile on the man's face as his head lulled in direction of the window perpetuated the notion. Hopefully, Toki's irritation went unnoticed. After the day Skwisgaar had, Toki didn't wish to pile more onto his plate. He at least expected his mother's reaction, so he didn't have shock to wade through as well as anxiety.

Trying not to concern over what his mother currently thought about him and his relationship, Toki announced his arrival with a rap on the open door. “Nice view, huh?”

“Göteborg haves changed a lot since I was last here. I don'ts recognize some of de rides overs at Liseberg, and I t'inks dat my old favourites am gones.”

“I wouldn'ts mind riding the ferris wheel.” Toki pulled his shirt off. “Cans we do that tomorrow?”

“Depends if de wheel oporate dis time of year. De way I remembers, de ride don'ts run through de winter.”

“It haves lights on, though.”

“For decorations, ja.”

Toki groaned with disappointment, slipping out of his boxers and into the tub beside Skwisgaar. “If we cames when we meants to in the spring, we coulds has. Woulds be great, makings out that high in the air.”

“We ams even higher ups here.”

A coy smile beckoned Toki in. Since Skwisgaar threw his hair into a messy bun, Toki running his fingers through it wasn't exactly possible. Toki traced his jawline instead, revelling in his lover's soft lips until he couldn't resist sucking on the swollen bottom one. “You know whats I just realized?”

“Hm?”

“This is probablies the same room Charles booked for us when we were supposed to comes here on vacation, afters playing the benefit concert.”

Skwisgaar contemplated Toki. “You know, you ams right.”

“Is crazy to thinks about, huh? We were supposed to comes here—gots here eventually, but it tooks us seven months to makes it.” If anything, today had proven to Toki just how much everything changed since their comparably carefree days. The jaunt across Sweden hardly at all resembled the road they took to from Mordhaus to Las Vegas, and he and Skwisgaar were both worse for wear since then. “Oh well. . .at least we knows we aren'ts in danger.”

“And we'ves gotten some big t'ing out of de way. De guys am settleds down about us beings toget'er, we don'ts have to deals wit' wrecking Vegas anymore, and ams our choice whens we go back to Mordhaus. Or evens de States, at dat.” While Toki leaned forward to switch the tap off, Skwisgaar lightly scratched his back. “Comparings dat times away to dis one, ams objectivelies better. We haves all de time and money we wants, no band pressure, no dramas about what we wants wit' each ot'er, and ams nice to be backs in our own neighbourhood.”

“Woulds be better if it were a differents time of the year, though. I woulds love to drives up north with you, sometime.”

“I t'inks we should, in de spring.” Skwisgaar rested his cheek on Toki's shoulder again. “We cans do anyt'ing we wants, and I wants to do dat.”

“Then you'll gets it.” Already, Toki dreaded going home. He wouldn't budge on finishing the house himself, but the double whammy of facing his mother and leaving Skwisgaar behind wasn't an exciting prospect. At least the beginning of February wasn't the most practical time to work on it. He could spend a few weeks in Göteborg before taking the train to Lillehammer. “I likes that there's no needs to rush, and no sense of impendings doom. In alls reality—nots that I think this will happens—we don'ts ever haves to go back to the band if we don'ts want to. With alls these other bands keeping the economy afloat, the world don'ts need us anymore. Ifs Dethklok still goings to be a thing, wills be because we wants it.”

“I don'ts t'ink I'ms done wit' Dethklok, but ams less stressful to nots have a certain date to be backs on top of my game by. When I goes back to Mordhaus, I wills be ready to conquer de world again. When Charles and I were talkings about how screwed de world would be wit'out us, he tolds it to me like say you haves a short pool of water, wit' dis big rocks in de middle. You pulls de rock out and de water start getting all sloppy, lowers in level, but den de sand settle and naturallies fill in de hole by itself. Dat ams what de tribute bands am doing. What _I_ can't waits to do am stands over dat little pool wit' de big rock and drops it on alls of dem.”

“I can sees it happening. When we makes our comeback, is goings to be Armageddon.”

“We'll be betters dan ever before, readies to murder a whole new crowds of people.”

“Ins the meantime. . .” Toki wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar's shoulders and kissed the side of his head. “This is whats I's gonna enjoy. Sittings in a big fancy hot tub with my elskling and thinkings about all the places I's gonna takes him tomorrow.”

“ _Pff_ , gay.” Skwisgaar smirked. “And who says you ams goings to takes _me_ places, ah? I haves t'ing to shows you. I ams de one dat lived here befores, not you.”

“Likes where?”

“To shows you where I'll be livings, forst of all. Ams over by Slottskogen, which ams anot'er place I woulds like to shows you. I spents a lot of times dere, since dere wasn't much likes dat in Vällingby.”

“I wents there, you know,” Toki admitted after a beat of hesitation. “Last week, betweens giving testimony. I wanteds to check it out.”

“Oh?”

Deciding not to elaborate on the little boy he met there, Toki smiled. “Was whats I anticipateds. Pretty dreary place. Ifs you didn'ts have something to preoccupy yourself with, woulds be eithers really boring or depressings to live there.”

“Or boths,” Skwisgaar added with a mirthless chuckle. “Ugh, I still hates t'inking about dat place. To t'inks, when I cames here to lives wit' my mormor, I actuallies missed it fors a little while.”

“Is okays to miss things, even if theys was bad. I missed my homes in Norway when I wents to America, and even sometimes now I stills miss my Far. It don'ts mean that what he dids to me was okay. Just means I's his son and I wanteds a dad. There's no shames in that.”

“I don'ts feel bads at all abouts missing my mormor. She was a goods woman. I hates dat she hads to go, but what does you do, when people gets old?”

“Remembers them fondly.”

“Is goings to be a little weird, to lives dere again,” Skwisgaar mumbled. “Wit'out her, I mean. Was weirds enough, comings back after leavings Kovland. Evens after six year, dere was still dis spots on de rug where I spilt some apples juice. She hadn'ts gotten rids of my bed, and evens though it was pretties tiny, I stills used it. Ams weird, when t'ing haves changed, but den you winds up in a place where de past haves been presorved.”

“I felts like that, when I wents home to Norway. Mor hadn't changed anything since my dad died—or since I left, reallies. I couldn't stands that for very long. She haves running water and electricity now, huh? Ands even a cells phone.”

“Dat amn't somet'ing I thoughts would ever happen.” The corners of Skwisgaar's mouth tugged upward. “But see, den dere am de complete opposite. You expecks everyt'ing to be de same, but not'ing am, and you miss it. I ams anticipakings dat whenevers I gets Mormor's apartment. I's gonna walks in dere and de carpets am goings to be changed out for hardwood floor, de walls will be a differensk colour, and rathers dan walking in like BOOM dis am where a mormor live, it'll just be. . .a ghost ofs my happy place in Sweden.”

“Aw, tries not to thinks like that, elskling.” Toki nuzzled him. “Is still the same place you haves all those good memories of, evens if it look a little different. When I'ves been working on the new house all day and my muscles is achy and burning, I feels likes a fifteen year old walking in my mom's front door. The blast of heat from the stoves does it to me, every time.”

“Ams a goods point. I guess am just goings to be sad to opens de door expectings to see her, but. . .” Skwisgaar sighed. “I nevers went back dere when I heards dat she passed away, nots even to get my stuff and properly says goodbye. I regrets dat now.”

“Where weres you?”

“Malmö, wit' one of my bandmates. We were scopings out a new drummer, some dildo dat saids he would move to Göteborg to plays wit' us untils he change his mind after he saids we wanteds him. So we partieds, instead. Hilda, my mormor's best friend, trackeds me down. Lets me know.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “I went straights from dere to de States. Well, froms Copenhagen. We'ds migrated a bit, by de time I mades de decisions to go. _Pff_ , Dutch.”

“Danish, elskling.”

“Ones in de same t'ing.” Skwisgaar sunk deeper in the water. “You'll stays wit' me long enough for dat, though? Getting settleds in?”

“I'll stays as long as you needs me to.”

“No, you won'ts. Ifs you were, you wouldn'ts go back to Norway at all.”

Unsure how to respond, Toki rested his head atop Skwisgaar's. “We'll figures it out. I want to stays with you too, but. . .we boths got our own things goings on, right now. When things get settleds, I'm sure we'll winds up in the same place.”

“Hope so.”

If not for how terribly Toki left things off with his mother, he'd pull Skwisgaar along to Norway without a second's hesitation. Before he could do that though, he felt obligated to warm the waters of his childhood acreage, as well as finish the new house enough to furnish and populate. “Can'ts be any other way, elskling.” 


	111. Klokateer #22647

Such a large bed wasn't necessary; Toki migrated a few feet since falling asleep, and Skwisgaar followed faithfully along behind. Hopefully, removing the current occupant from Skwisgaar's apartment took long enough for Toki to enjoy this just a while longer. He was in no rush to wake up alone again.

“Mm. . .” The arm thrown over Toki's middle tightened when he attempted to move away. “Where ams you goings?”

“Just to grabs my phone.”

After fetching it from the bed's edge, Toki resituated with Skwisgaar's head on his shoulder so that he could comfortably text with Charles. Lack of snores meant he could freely nudge the other man when receiving news that pertained to him. “Ifs we go down to the Dethmerch store on Skårs Led, they'lls have a new phone ready for you.”

“How far ams dat?”

“Onlies a couples blocks,” Toki told him after consulting the Dethmaps app. “When you wants to go?”

“Meh, nots yet.”

Assumption that Skwisgaar hadn't gotten enough sleep yet went thwarted by the man's wandering hand. The status updates Toki read through on Facefriends blurred through double-vision, coinciding with Skwisgaar's widening smirk. “You's terrible.”

“I can jacks myself off insteads, if you woulds rat'er.”

“Noes. . .”

A lazy morning mirrored in their romp, putting them back to sleep when their bodies slowed. Toki woke up alone, to the sound of the shower running. Assuming that meant Skwisgaar would be ready to leave within the next half-hour, he rose to organize the escort.

“We's goings to leave arounds eleven to go get Skwisgaar's new phone. Is ones of you going to goes with us?”

“Two of us can, one of us will stay to monitor your room. The replacement klokateer that will be travelling back to Lillehammer with you arrived earlier this morning, so we'll take the opportunity to introduce you to him.”

“Fairs enough.” Toki already heard from Charles that their third guard touched down at GOT at some ridiculous hour in the night.

His shower didn't take as long as Skwisgaar's, although Toki was forced to sit still so that his hair could be dried after running the brush through. Halfway through getting dressed, a knock downstairs announced the klokateers' arrival. Toki pulled on a shirt, though was still bare-footed while checking for familiar faces through the peep-hole.

The one he shouldn't recognize widened Toki's eyes, after opening the door and taking a closer look. “Holy fucks, _Raùl?_ ”

“Hola, mi amigo.” Raùl meant to accompany his greeting with a wave, but Toki clasping him in a tight hug thwarted the effort. Instead, he pat Toki on the shoulder. “Good to see you again.”

“Uh. . .” 12098 rubbed a hand over his short, bristly hair. “This is 22647, anyway.”

“Nonsense, he's Raùl. You don'ts haves to have a number, with us.”

“I don't have a name anymore, though.”

“Don'ts matter.” Toki held him at arm's length. Certainly, he never expected to see this man again. “What's you doings here? Since when ares you a klokateer?”

“I finished my training a month or so ago.” Truth of that was written across Raùl. Scars notched up his face and neck as far as his black, standard-issue sweater showed. When he removed his gloves upon entry to the suite, Toki noticed that his left pinky finger ended at the second knuckle. It reminded Toki why the klokateers were required to wear masks; along with promoting a sense of facelessness, it hid all the marks resultant of fighting numerous other candidates to death, withstanding extreme temperatures, and whatever else Charles put them through to test their worth. Despite standing short even beside 12098 and 3579, he'd bulked up since saying goodbye to Toki and Skwisgaar in Texas. “I guess Mr. Offdensen was satisfied that you two got out of Mexico in one piece, because I was his first choice for this position.”

“I don't sees why you wouldn't be.”

Toki jogged back up to the second floor, looking for Skwisgaar. Leaned over the bathroom sink, the man concentrated on putting his contacts in. “I'lls be ready in maybes ten minute.”

“Okays, but you shoulds come downstairs really quicks.”

“Dose were de klokateers dat cames, wasn'ts it?” Skwisgaar wiped excess solution off his cheek. “Or dids you order us breakfast?”

“Klokateers. And guess who's withs them!”

Skwisgaar fixed Toki with a perplexed stare, unbelieving until he saw Raùl for himself down below. A shy smile met a firm handshake. “Ams good to sees you again.”

“You too, eh. . .Sire.” Raùl cringed at the awkwardness. “Sorry, that'll take some getting used to.”

“You amn'ts to calls us dat. You calls us by our names, or I slaps you.”

“Ja, you's earned it,” Toki agreed.

“To be fair, I earned the right to address you as Sire or Master, by going through training. I'm really no different than any other Gear. We're all in charge of your life and general care, whether or not I got you out of Monterrey. I was only doing what I believed to be right then, and I owed you my life anyway.”

“I thoughts we were even. You helpeds us get home, we tooks you with us and Raina's dead.” Something else occurred to Toki. “Hey, how comes you're here and nots off with your family? Why woulds you risk your life gettings into the klokateers, when you were goings to starts fresh with them?”

A flash of sadness passing through Raùl's features pressed Toki's lips together. Maybe it was best not to ask. Changing the topic, he nudged Skwisgaar. “You shoulds go finish whatevers you were doing, and thens we can go gets your phone.”

Skwisgaar reemerged dressed appropriately for the below-ten temperature, with his hair tucked into his jacket and a beanie used to obscure the rest. They'd decided to walk rather than take the bus, which would pass them through Liseberg. Toki sprung the appropriate amount of krona at the gate, earning them each a day-pass bracelet. Carrying on the carefree nature their trip to Göteborg slipped into, Toki took Skwisgaar's hand. The world already knew he harboured interest in men, so what did it matter now if that included Skwisgaar? “Is this okays?”

“Don't see why nots. So longs as you don'ts care dat everyone will t'ink you're stupids, for shackings up wit' a morderer.”

“I'ves done worse for less. I's not shy that I loves you and, besides, after doings whatever we felts like when we droves around the States, seems dumb to do anything else.”

“No one else know dat, though. . .”

“Who cares? I loves you, and thats is just for us if no one else think it a good thing.” Toki squeezed his hand. “Ares you worried about what people will says about you, because of whats you did?”

“Kind ofs?” Skwisgaar ventured. “I'm scareds dat people will finds out why, espeskally since I hads to talks about it in prison. I don'ts know dat dose guys will keeps it a secret. Dey have so far, but dere ams always room for doubt.”

“I understands that. I's relieved that everything I's ever dones like that has eithers been cleaneds up or unproveables was me. Still. . .you haves bigger reasons for doings what you did, than I evers had. Is okays if we talks frankly abouts it, right? I gets that impressions from you, but I don'ts want to be insensitives and go, 'hey, abouts that time you offeds your mom'.”

“Am stills weird to talks about. Ams weird dat you evens know, since I helds onto it so tights for so long. When you brings it up or we borders on it, I get dis swell of anxiety dat maybe ams time I tolds you? Den I remembers dat I already did, and I don'ts know what to says about it. Ams good for me to talks about, because it don't seems like such a big deals no more, but. . .I don'ts know what else to say but dat it happened, and dis ams why.”

“Woulds it help if I asked questions about it, or woulds it feel like I's pryings?”

“I t'inks it would be easiers. I don'ts like to volunteers dat kind of informations out of de blue, you know? At least nots at dis point, since it am such a news t'ing for you to hears and for me to be opens about.”

“Is hards to ask about too, though. I's curious about it, but I feels like I's being weird or creepy if I ask.”

“Likes what?”

Toki lowered his voice, for sake of the crowd they passed through. “Likes. . .you had sex withs her, you saids? Whens you were a kid?”

“You coulds call me a kid. I t'inks I was fourteen when it start, and sixteens when I finallies had enoughs and moveds back here afters finishing school.” Skwisgaar kicked a clump of snow. “And you underskand dat de reason I dids—what I dids—ams because it happened again?”

“How dids it happen?”

“Dat night when she dyeds my hair. I wanteds to brings it up, to ask why dat all happened, and she thought I wanteds to hooks up again. I don'ts even reallies remember how it cames about, dat ams how fuckeds up it am. You gets to a point though, where you can't stops. Knows what I mean? It didn'ts matter dat all my insides were yellings at me to quit, I just. . .kepts going. It felts disgusting, mostlies because it felt goods, too. Huh. . .you nevers want to t'ink about what your parents do in beds, but to be a parts of it? I don'ts really know how to describe it, because it am so confusings. I coulds tell you what it was likes wit' her at a certains point in time, but cummulativesly? I cans tells you about time dat it felt normal, dat it felts better dan wit' other people, and when I was drownings in shame. Altogether, ams weird. It make me hate her guts and miss her at de same time.”

“I beens thinking about it, tryings to relate, but is so hards when you hasn'ts gone through it before. I looks at my own mom and tries to imagine it. It don'ts happen, because I don't see how you cans do that with someone you's related to. A cousins, maybe. . .” Toki mumbled under his breath, “but an immediates family member is so differents.”

“See, I didn'ts really t'ink so. My moms and I gots close when we moveds to Kovland, and she didn'ts have much for guys around. Den dey starteds trickling backs in and. . .” Skwisgaar sighed. “I didn'ts want it to be likes before, when dey would starts lookings at _me_ again. Luckilies, when she founds me later afters I ran off, she promised it would stops immediately. Was cools as a kid to be de man of de house, you knows? _I_ slepts in mom's bed, _I_ gaves her a good nights kiss, _I_ mades her breakfast when no one else woulds. When she gots more obvious about jackings off beside me, I laids dere in shock to start but den I woulds get so hard dat I hads to balls my hands on de blanket to stops from doings de same. I hads wet dreams all de time, and threws out a lots of underwear so dat she wouldn'ts realize. Den she starteds asking why I didn'ts have any going through de laundry and I didn'ts have much a choice but to puts dem in de hamper insteads of de garbage.”

“Did she evers ask you abouts it?”

“No. . .but dere was no missings it. I knew she knew, and she knew dat I knew she knew.” Skwisgaar paused to consider the logistics of that sentence. “Was unspokens between us. She knews what she was doing, and I t'inks it made her feel good to have such an effects on someone, especially dat am so youngs. I don'ts believe dat she ever saws it as a sick t'ing. Sex feels good, no matters who it am wit', and me and hers were betters off on our own. Bringings other peoples around never dids us any goods. It gots me hort and takens away. She spents two years alone, because of dat. So wit' just me and hers, through dose years, was kinds of like how dey say in medieval times, to justifies incest: you keeps de bloodline pure.”

“Is thats why you miss her? Because it was exclusives, in a way?”

“It was exclusives de way dat doings dat wit' your mom cans be. I was de only guy she slepts wit' dat couldn'ts leave. _Wouldn'ts_ leave. She coulds count on me gettings up at seven to gets ready for school, and I woulds be back later in de afternoon. She wasn'ts dat bad of a mom. She trieds de best she coulds to keeps us warm and fed, and sometimes dat _dids_ mean sleepings wit' a guy so dat he woulds cut us firewood or fix de roof. I nevers had to see it at least, and I knews about it beforehand. Oogh, dose day at school, I woulds _die_ of jealousy.”

It still felt like such an alien concept to Toki. Since he rarely ever saw Skwisgaar and his mother interact, it required a hefty amount of imagination to make the man's words come alive. “Do you thinks is why sex is so importants to you now, and why you prefers multiple partners over a monogsmous relatesingip?”

“Ams hard to say. Forst inskink ams dat ja, make sense. I was taught froms an early age dat sex ams everywhere and everyt'ing. But. . .dere am other peoples like dat too, wit'out de same story. Maybes it had somet'ing to do wit' de _degree_ dat I fuckeds other people? Now dat she ams gone, I'ves definitely noticed a slows down. Dat might haves been because was a roughs time too, though. Am stills too early to tell. I haven'ts noticed much of a difference in hows you and me fuck, yet. Haves you?”

“Is too earlies to tell, like you said. We just gots back together, so naturallies we's going to fucks whenever we gets the chance. I thinks one of the strangest things about it all is thats despites it, you's pretty okay? Well, besides what eventually happened. . .”

“I goes back and forth ons it. Depends what kinds of headspace I'ms in. I wasn'ts in a good one, ins June. Rights now, I feels more nostalgic on de good times. I know how weird dat ams, but I don'ts t'ink I cans totally demonize her. But den again, dat ams why I _shoulds_. It shouldn'ts be normal, to fucks my mom. And dat ams what gots to me. How badlies fuckeds up was I dat I considereds it okay? Dat I puts priority ons dat overs what I hads goings on wit' _you?_ When I was youngers was easy to ignores dat she would switch betweens a lady I puts it to and my moms. As I gots older, it gots weirder. Last spring, was just awfuls.”

“I wants to make it clear that I's not goings to judge you if you talks about it in a fonds way. This isn'ts my thing to figures out, and I just wants to be helpful. I can't speaks for her because I didn'ts know her, and if one thing suck from her being dead, is that she can'ts give you the answer.” Toki brought Skwisgaar to a stop, near the gate on the south-end of Liseberg. “Whatevers conclusion you comes to abouts her, I'll knows you gots there with extensives and deep thought. All that matters is thats you find some peace.”

“You don'ts t'ink it am weird dat I miss her? Dat I don'ts hate her guts?”

Toki shook his head. “She's still your mom. Thats is what make it so confusing, because you loves your mom no matters what. I loves my mom evens though she stood by for years as my father hits me. We finds forgiveness in us, for evens the most evil of things. Forgiveness is a goods thing, because it let us go. Doesn'ts mean what she dids was okay.”

“See, am t'ing like dis dat make me feel stupids for not tellings you sooner. So much coulds has been avoideds.” Skwisgaar pressed his lips together, gaze darting. “I hates dat I killeds her, no matters what she dids. I still can'ts believe I did. Part of me still believe dat she ams up in Kovland, doings whatever it am dat she dids everyday. Especially now, since I amn'ts in Sollentuna anymores and it can'ts hit me dat dat ams why I ams dere.”

Toki kissed Skwisgaar's chin, before migrating further up. “Is still soons enough to be fresh. We takes it a days at a time, a conversation at a time. For nows, let's let the topics rest and goes get your phone. You's probably missed havings one.” 


	112. Majorna

“Ams nice to be backs in contact,” Skwisgaar remarked as they left the Dethmerch shop. Their pace down the street slowed as he sent a mass-text to their bandmates and manager confirming that his old number had been restored. However, despite jet-lag surely experienced across the ocean, he earned no responses from anyone except Charles. “What you wants to do now? I'm starvings.”

“I guess that answer it, huh?”

“Ifs you cans wait a little bits, why don'ts we gets on de bus and goes over to Majorna? Ams my olds neighbourhood. I could shows you where I used to live, and we can sees if Marsala am stills around. Used to be where Mormor and I would eat Saturdays lunch.”

“Is only Wednesday, though,” Toki teased him.

“You wants to eats dere or not, Mr. Smartypants?”

They waited at the nearest bus stop for a north-heading route, blending into an unsuspecting public. 3579 and 12098 loitered near the back of the vehicle, and took turns between gazing out the window and keeping a look-out over Dethklok's guitarists. Toki caught their eye here and there, smiling politely before redirecting to the city they inched through. Stuck in the lull between tourist seasons, lunchtime here wasn't as hectic as Las Vegas on a spring night. Riding public transit with Skwisgaar again, even under the correct supervision, gave Toki a phantom sense of impending dread. To combat it, he wrapped an arm around Skwisgaar's middle and rested his cheek on his shoulder.

“Ams you okay?”

“Thinkings about Vegas. Remembers when we thoughts Jorge and Santos was klokateers?”

Skwisgaar shuddered, emitting a short vocalization to mirror his discomfiture. “Don'ts even talks about dat. Dat was one of de worst—well, weirdest day of my life.”

“Mines too. Oh well, is all overs, right?”

“Nots really, now dat Raùl ams back. What you t'ink happen, for him to becomes a klokateer? You woulds t'ink after what we puts him through dat he woulds never want anyt'ing to does wit' us again.”

“I don'ts think he founds his wife and kids. Or maybes they didn'ts make it out of Vegas alive.”

“Stills, why woulds he come to de klokateers?”

“I woulds likes to ask him, but I's not sure now a goods time. He lookeds pretty sad when I mentioneds it back at the hotel.”

Rather than bright, blinking lights and palm trees masking a seedy underbelly, tall monochromatic buildings gently yielded to an older version of Göteborg as the bus exited tourist-centric neighbourhoods. Trees grew sparse in lining the streets, at least until they'd turned west and passed a growing number of small parks. Watching the foot-traffic, Toki pictured a little boy highly resemblant of the little Skwisgaar he'd met in Vällingby, strolling along hand-in-hand with an elderly woman nearly thirty years ago.

The mental image of Skwisgaar happy as a child made him smile. “Does you haves any pictures of your mormor?”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “No. . .I kicks myself in de ass for leavings Europe so quicklies. I don'ts know what happened to any of de stuff dat was in de apartment. I wonders if de super puts it in storage or solds it off. We didn'ts have any other family to contacks. If he calleds my mom, I woulds has seen some familiar t'ing in Kovland. I doubt she woulds has comes to get anyt'ing, now dat I t'inks about it. . .”

“Is too bads.”

“I woulds rather have some of de picture my mormor kepts, dan her apartment. At least dose, it ams definitely hers and mines. Dis apartment. . .who know _how_ many peoples have live dere since. Dere might not be any sense of Mormor left.”

“Hards to say, untils we gets there. Is that where you wants to go first?”

“Afters we eat, ja.”

Stepping off somewhere along Karl Johansgatan, Toki slipped his fingers back through Skwisgaar's. Six-storey tall apartment buildings boasting the same burnt-orange hue surrounded them, offering no clue as to which direction they should go. Skwisgaar looked around with a furrowed brow, attempting to gain bearing, before pulling Toki along. “I t'inks dat restaurant ams down dis way. . .”

It was visible from the crosswalk down a perpendicular street, proving Skwisgaar right. Dining in Sweden probably necessitated they dine on Swedish cuisine, but Toki's mouth watered for Italian instead as they entered this particular old haunt.

At this point in his hunger Toki would eat even gravlax, although thankfully that wasn't on the menu. When their plates arrived however, raw food held strong. Toki made a face at Skwisgaar's. “Whats is that? Is too darks to be fish.”

“Beef, I t'ink. Ams, eh. . .somet'ing di carne. Let's see if it ams as goods as I remember.”

“Ugh, turns my stomach.” Toki poked his tongue out, much preferring the cooked beef he'd ordered, smothered in something similar to hollandaise sauce. “You Swedes and your raw stuff, swears to God.”

“Really? You ams goings to t'rows dat accugations around when you ams de one wit' de pickled herrings breath?”

“When dids I ever have pickled herrings breath?”

“Whenevers you eats it!”

“Hasn'ts been for a while, though!” With its mention, Toki craved it with an achingly watery mouth. “Screws you, anyway. Nots like you were kissings me, the last times I had some.”

“T'anks Odin.”

“Keeps that attitude up and we'll see who's gettings any kisses later.” Toki nudged Skwisgaar's leg under the table. A smile firmly in place as the other man chewed raw meat was his sole saving grace. “I's curious how longs it'll takes before you turns into a big mopey baby.”

“Ams dat a challenge, or whats?”

“Ones I can't say I totallies wish to participates in.”

“So you ams tellings me dat you won'ts mind tastings raw beef when we ams done eatings?”

“Don'ts go _too_ far on that idea.”

Just as Toki anticipated, Skwisgaar pulled every stop on irritating the hell out of him when they stepped out of Marsala. The third time Skwisgaar leaned in solely to exhale in his face, Toki pushed him away. “Okay, is enough. Eats a mint, or some gum.”

“I don'ts have any.”

“Was funnies at first but now you seriouslies gettings on my nerves. I gets it, I hads bad breath when I ates pickled herrings. You haves bad breath now, afters eating that carne whatevers. Is past the points of funny.”

Concession came with pursed lips and a dip into a convenience store. Skwisgaar came back out with a pack of gum in hand. “You wants a piece?”

“I's good.”

“Tells me if dis ams better?”

Toki's mood dropped even further when, cautiously leaning in, he earned a bite on the nose. Skwisgaar stood proud with a smug smirk and crossed arms, awaiting reaction. “You're startings to piss me off.”

“What ams you goings to do about it?”

“Probably slaps you, if you don't smartens up.”

“Saves it for back at de hotel, ah?”

“Please, just quits acting like this. I's not joking arounds anymore. You're supers annoying.”

“Aw, I'ms just tryings to have fun.” Skwisgaar rubbed his arm. “Since when ams _you_ de cranky one?”

“I's only cranky because of you. Quits playing around. No bitings me, nothings about bad breath or teasings me anymore. I cames out to haves fun today with my boyfriend, nots babysit.”

Skwisgaar pursed his lips again, eyes dulling as he deflated. “Ja, okays.”

It didn't take long, delving deeper into Majorna, that Toki felt guilty for crushing his good mood. Hoping he hadn't poisoned Skwisgaar against him, he brought them to a stop. “Hey, I'm sorries for beings a dick. I knows whats is like, when you tryings to haves fun and—well. . .”

“Someone ams beings an asshole?” Skwisgaar shrugged. “Ams fine. I guess you gets it now, how it ams when I tells you to quit somet'ing and you just keeps going.”

“Quits being so passive-aggressive about it. I knows I's beens annoying, you don'ts have to act like you's giving me a tastes of my own medicine or likes I deserves it.”

“You ams on my norves, too. Just leaves me alones for a littles while.”

“And do whats, instead? I wants to see where you lived and where you went to schools, as well as anywhere elses you hads a goods time around here. Is importants to me, to knows why Göteborg is your happies place.” Toki's reasoning being so that he'd feel at peace leaving Skwisgaar here went unspoken.

“I onlies wanted to haves fun with you, but you hads to shits all overs dat.”

“I'm sorries, then. I just didn'ts appreciates you makings fun of me.”

“Because no one else evers hads any bad breath? Fucks Toki, you t'inks dat woulds really matters to me? I wouldn'ts care if you ates a whole jar of dat craps and kissed me wit'out brushings your teeth forst.” Skwisgaar paused, crossed arms tight. “I can'ts believe we evens arguing about dis. Am stupids.”

“I's ready to forgets about it. You's the one that's mad.”

“I'ms mad now because I'm tryings to haves a good time and you shits on my parade.”

“I've saids I was sorries twice, and meants it. How many more times I have to say it?” Standing before Skwisgaar, Toki smiled and took his hands. “Come ons. I'm sorries I was cranky. Don'ts let it wreck today for you. Is a big day, to sees all your old favourite places again.”

Skwisgaar studied him, slowly losing resolve in his irritation. With a sigh, he averted his gaze. “Maybes I ams bringing dis up needlessly, or too soons for it to somet'ing to worry about, but I don'ts like any sign dat dat part of you has beens wiped gone since last spring. You ams a lot more cynicals dan whens I got arrested.”

“When haves I _ever_ likeds being teased?” Still, Skwisgaar had a point. “I knows I changed. Was hards not to, with all the craps that happened. I likes to think—well, cans we talks about it later?”

“You likes to t'inks what?” Stubborn, the request went ignored.

“I likes to think that being cynicals will goes away, with times.” Toki squeezed Skwisgaar's hands. “Is hards to have any faith in the peoples around me though, when they comes and goes, and keeps letting me down. I hads no idea how to digs myself out of the holes I made with the other guys, and then you were just gones from my life again. I understands all the reasonings for that now, and I's been gettings along really well with Nathans, but it lefts an impression on me. I's really cautious about gettings too excited, or takings anything for granted. I don'ts know how longs I's going to haves it, and I'm so sicks of being disappointed.”

“I didn'ts intend to lets you down.”

“I knows you didn't, elskling. You hads your own thing goings on that you hads to takes care of. I gets it. Objectivelies, is fine. For me though, you haves no idea what was likes to lose you. Ats that point in my life, with everything goings on with the band and my health, you—you weres the only thing I really hads going for me.” Toki silently cursed himself as the weight of expelling those words pulled a lump into his throat. Especially now, he _hated_ revisiting what a broken man he'd become after losing his sole connection in an otherwise discordant world. “You're the only one that _knew_ , you know? Abigail still wasn'ts really talking to me, and the guys pushed me away because they eithers hateds me or hateds being around me. They still don'ts know we have HIV. Well, Abigail and my mom does. But the point is, no one knows the whole picture. I's not comfortable enough withs anyone to just sits down and starts talking, likes I coulds with you. Then all of a suddens I's facing the rest of my lifes alone, bearings that weight all by myself, and. . .ats this point I's just babbling. I'm sorries, I don'ts want to makes you feels bad when was something you couldn'ts help.”

“If dere am one t'ing I learneds from us being separated, ams dat we ams better off together. I wants to keeps it dat way, from now ons.” Skwisgaar brought Toki closer, arms loosely wrapped around his neck. “Evens if we forgives each other for everyt'ing dat mades us wind up nots together all dat time, ams hard to ignores de feeling of beings abandoned. It doesn'ts matter dat it was because of a misunderskanding or bad circumstance. It still hort and we does both of us an insjustice if we ignores dat. I ams intent to makes dis last a longs while—for real, dis time—so untils dis ams hashed out to de point dat we don'ts feel dat hort anymore, dis ams fair game to pokes at.”

“I can'ts hold you at a certain distance, like a cynicals person would. I trieds that, when your verdict came back. I's a sucker for you, always and no matters what. Please takes that with caution. I don'ts have the energy lefts to goes through losing you again.”

“I don'ts either, so I guess we don'ts have much choice but to makes dis work, ah?” Skwisgaar chuckled while squeezing Toki. “I t'inks we ams doings okay, evens if we still can'ts really goes a day wit'out some kinds of bickering.”

“Is normals, so I don'ts care. I loves you so much when we doings that, because I knows that every fight makes us stronger. We beens through big things before, so I can'ts help but have faith that we's always goings to make it.”

“So den I guess maybes I shouldn'ts accuse you of being so cynicals, den.”

To confirm it, Toki merely giggled when, turning his head up for a kiss, he suffered another gentle bite to the tip of his nose. “Goddamn its, you ruins _everything_.”

“I mades you laugh though, didn't I?”

“Ja, ja.” 


	113. Payday

“It can'ts be much further. I don'ts recall walkings more dan fifteen minute on my slowest day between Marsala and homes.”

Whether they got there quickly or not, Toki enjoyed the short stroll down Kabelgatan. The abundance of trees and young families made it a comfortable place. Toki smiled as he imagined how badly Skwisgaar conformed here during his later teen years. While kids strolled home from school intent to do homework or play with their friends, a lanky, moody blond with a guitar slung over his shoulder probably parted the crowd.

“I can'ts remember de street name dat my building was across froms, but it starteds wit' an S. Dat'll be it dere.”

Sure enough, they came up on Stortoppsgatan. Across from it stood another seven-storey tall apartment building—this one beige. They rounded the building to the pull-out bus stop, from where Skwisgaar pointed at a rise of balconies on the right corner. “We liveds on de third floor.”

“Is too bads we can't see the insides, today.” Toki looked up at Skwisgaar when a strand of blond hair got caught in the wind. “Did Charles tell you anythings about when you'll gets it?”

“De stubborns old lady dat lived dere finallies agreeds to move, for doubles de value of de place. He ams hoping she'll be gones by de end of next week, if not sooners.”

“I bets you coulds has made a really convincings case to this old lady if you paids her a visit.”

“Meh. I amn'ts in _dat_ bigs of a rush. I ams enjoying easings my way back into Göteborg. Ams kind of takings a break on de old lady front, too.” Skwisgaar awkwardly cleared his throat. “Ums. . .you want to see where I wents to school?”

“Sure.” If Skwisgaar didn't wish to talk about his mother again so soon, Toki easily let it slide. He had something else he wished to inquire upon, thanks to an off-hand remark earlier. “What was the whole thing earlier about slappings you when we gots back to the hotel?”

“I thoughts it was pretty straights-forward.” Skwisgaar led them off the street, into a short forested walking path. “Don'ts mind getting slappeds at my face here and dere.”

Toki bumped Skwisgaar's shoulder with a smirk. “There's lots of things I wouldn'ts mind doings to you once in a whiles. I thoughts about it a lot when we were separateds, since I was sads we nevers had the chance to reallies explore that.”

“Likes what?”

“We talkeds once, abouts you letting me ties you down. I thinks we were in Nevada?”

“Ohh, ja. Dat ams definitely still ons de table. Ams dat somet'ing you woulds be comfkables wit', if de shoe was on de other foot?”

“Don'ts know untils I try it, huh?” They emerged in another cul-de-sac, where some kids toiled away at a pair of snow forts. One of the kids studied Toki and Skwisgaar as they passed, though his intentions were interrupted by his mother's warning not to throw a snowball at strangers. “I thinks I'm comfortables enough to tries it with you. I trust you, and I's pretty certain you knows what you're doing.”

“I haves more experiencing toppings. Ams hard to finds a good top when you ams as famous as us. Who cans you trust, dat amn'ts going to ties you down and totallies takes advankage?”

“It isn'ts just because I's famous that I worries about that. I don'ts like strangers to have that kinds of control over me. I don'ts really likes _anyone_ to haves an upper hand, really. Evens with you, I's only just startings to accepts that I'ves lost myself.”

“I don'ts like to t'ink dat you ams mad or anxious about dat.”

“I's not, when we's good like this. Is still a little overwhelming sometimes, to be in loves with someone that come and go. It don'ts matter if that's your choice or nots. Is taxings, to go through that bigs of ups and downs.” They entered another forest, thicker than the last one. “Maybes I not exactly cynical, but I's definitely more carefuls than I was before. I's puttings my all into makings this relatesingip work, but I's not givings myself over a hundreds-percents yet. I needs to know first, through time, that this is goings to last. I don'ts want to get settled onlies for something to happen that puts us apart.”

“I don'ts t'ink it will. What coulds possibly do dat again? Unless you haves a reasons to horts _your_ mom?”

Toki shook his head right away. “No. I's done hurtings people anyway. Raina, Francisco, and Ludwig were the last ones, ever. I can'ts do this anymore, if nots because is a wrong thing to do then because it mights put me in prison. I intends to live a longs time, and I want to spends every seconds that I can with you. My health has comes a long way since goings home to Lillehammer, physicsly _and_ mentallies. Hards not to gets a good work-out when I buildings a house, and evens with the diagnosis of what's goings on inside my head, I's betters than ever abouts it. Maybes putting a name to it help.”

“I nevers thought it was dat serious. I've seens you as both de violent one and as de kid, but I thoughts dat was just you beings you.”

“It _is_ just me beings me. It isn'ts like Jekylls and Hyde, and thats is why they don'ts call it Multiples Personality Disorder no mores. Is just all abouts dissociation. You'ves had time in your life that was too much to handle, so whatevers you were going through felts like an out-of-body experience, ja?”

Skwisgaar nodded.

“Is likes that, but just a littles more severe. I don'ts likes to call them personalities because they aren'ts complete people living insides me, but technicallies a personality is gauged through an individual's reactions to what goes on arounds them. I's been workings really hard to controls it, and isn'ts often that is involuntary for me to slips into one of the other. The bad one is reallies rare. I didn'ts feel it nearlies as badly as I woulds has expecteds to when we were in Mexico tryings to gets away, and I spends a lot of time tryings to figure out why. I mean, it cames out with Ludwig and withs that guy in Sobertown, so then why nots for someone that actuallies posed a dangers for you and me? Didn'ts make any sense.”

“Why you t'ink dat happen?”

“One ofs the goals of helping someone with DID is to merge the personalities back into one person. I means, everyone have different faces they puts on with different people, likes if you goes from hangings out with your best friends to your parents. This comes from anxiety and stress, so to tackles the source of the problems, you gots to help that. It isn'ts priority for me to kills it, since the bad one and little kid are just as much a parts of me as anything else. I just needs the space between me and thems to close. I needs to remember what I'm doing when they comes out and be ins the front seat, because that's all it is for normals people.

“That being saids, has been gettings progressivelies better, with the bad one. It been fadings more and more since my dad die. He's the one that broughts it out of me by hurtings me as a kid, and now that I don'ts need to be protecteds from him anymore, is goings away.”

“I don't see why, if dis one ams intents to protect you, why it didn'ts come out when you gots hort in Monterrey. Woulds be de ideal time, ifs you neededs protection. Nots to menskin, likes you saids, hads already comes out during the road trip.”

“I thinks the reason there weren'ts gaps in my memory and a trails of blood behinds me on our way outs is because I'd already starteds the process of closing that gap between me and its. Ifs I thinks about it on a timeline, I haves gaps when I was youngers, where my dad hurts me. I don'ts remember killing that guy in Los Angeles. It was useless—detrimentals, actually, to comes out during my times with Magnus, because any manifestation gots me even more hurt. When it cames to Ludwig back in Billings, I was still here, just. . .nots in control. As for Francisco and Raina, I was just doings what I neededs to, to gets us out of Mexico. I feels different now, too. I feels like the protector as much as I do Toki, like I's earned the right to leash this thing. I know that sound weird,” Toki tagged on. “Is the kinds of language me and Twinkletits use to talks about it.”

“I underskand what you means.” Free of forest again, Skwisgaar led Toki back north via Såggatan. “Ams like it happen out of necessity, too. Dat t'ing amn'ts exactly a strategist. Likes when you and Abigail were wit' de Revengencers, was more likelies you would needs to t'ink your way outs, rather dan _breaks_ out. When we gots out of Monterrey, tooks a lots of t'inking and plannings. Ja, we were luckies dat we hads Raùl to helps us—I don'ts t'ink we woulds has mades it wit'out him—but we neededs to be cool and in controls of ourselves to escape. If dat t'ing have some kind of conscience, it probablies knew it would be no helps, dat dat time, you neededs to protect yourself.”

“Is a goods point, one that's comes up in therapy before.” Toki squeezed Skwisgaar's hand. “I don'ts think the two ideas are mutuallies exclusive. There's a reason why _I's_ the primary, not that ones. It's just a fragments, whereas I's a person. If I takes my brain and combines it with its brutality, we accomplish things. Is whats we did, in Monterrey. I dids what I hads to do, to gets you and me outs of there, by shootings Francisco. I dids what I hads to do, to prevents future encounters and danger, by shootings Raina. Nots to mention, I'ds made a deal with Raùl, and if I didn't shoots her, who knows if he woulds has helped us as much as he dids?”

“Why dids you makes a deal wit' him?”

“Long story short, Raina and Francisco killeds his brother.” Toki didn't mention that man's association with his rape quite yet, for he had some questions for Raùl that he'd like answered before that entire scenario was hashed out with Skwisgaar. “He wanteds out. Nots to mention, he lefts his family in Vegas, and evens though he was obviously worrieds about them, Raina kept pullings him along to Mexico. Woulds be enough to makes anyone ready to quits, when you finds out that their payday is more importants to them than your family.”

“Ams true. . .” They turned again onto another street, heading east this time. “Does you ever t'ink about where we woulds be right now, ifs we stayed wit' Francisco?”

“Sometimes I dreams we still there,” Toki admitted. “They's nice dreams to start, too. We're stills in Monterrey, livings at Francisco's house and havings a good time. María's there. We's together and we's being taken cares of, but the world beyond the gate burns. There's no metal economy to speaks of, because no one know where we ares. Francisco's at the top, because drugs are becomings the new thing. Then I starts getting sad because I worries about our friends and I knows they worries about us, but just isn'ts possible to gives them a call and say hey, we's okay. You don'ts need to be sad.

“So I thinks, even if Francisco hads good intentions for us and we coulds has been happy in Monterrey, we mades the right choice. Especiallies now, when I looks at it. I mean, we's here and we's taking a break from the band. We mights be far away from the other guys, but at least now we haves the freedom to text them whenevers we feels like. We's better off beings followed around.” Toki pointed a thumb behind them, where 3579 and 12098 faithfully tagged along at a distance. “Ifs we ever wants to go backs to Mexico, we's better off in Yucatán. I'll admit, sometimes I miss the cultures and I kinds of wish we hads the chance to learns a little bit of Spanish. Maybes now, with Raùl back, thats will be possible.”

“Ams admirables dat you cans t'ink dat, when it surroundeds us during our confinements. Dere were a couple Spanish prisoners in Sollentuna and I woulds get dis pit in my stomach whenevers dey talked to each other. Evens though it wasn't de same accent, still hits me weirdly to hears it again. At least now, it don'ts have dat effect on me anymores.”

“Sucks that something like whats happened to us could sours an entire culture on you. Admittedsly, I haven'ts done anything to deals with that. Then agains, haven'ts had much of a chance. Isn'ts my culture either, so I haven'ts gone outs of my way to immerse myself or anything.”

“Haven'ts even eatens Mexicans or Spanish food?”

“Mm. . .nots really, actually.”

“Maybes ams weird to say, but I wouldn'ts mind goings back someday. Ams hard nots to t'ink dat a place or culture amn'ts a part of you, when you'ves become a parts of _it_ fors a little while.”

“Is a cools thing about beings able to travel a lots. I likes to think that you becomes a rounder person for it, because of all the things you get to see. Is hards to be close-minded when you sees how so many other peoples live. Evens if the parts of Mexico we saw weres a little iffy, I can't says that a lots of the people we mets were bad. I really likes Raùl and I still thinks about María. I hope she's okay, wherever she is.”

“Charles never founds her?”

“He still looking.”

“Damns,” Skwisgaar said under his breath. “What you t'inks her life would be likes if we nevers passed t'rough it? Do you t'ink she woulds be happier, wit' Raina?”

“Oblivious, maybes?” Toki ventured. “She was only tens, she hads no idea what she was goings through. I feels kind of bad, because Raina mades her comfortable. Evens if she couldn't speaks English or went to schools, she was happy. I hates that we mights has taken that away from her, if was all she really hads in life.”

“I tries not to t'ink about how we wrecked t'ing for hers. We'ves ruined a lots of lives through our concerts and t'ing, but dat ams differensk. She didn'ts ask for dat.”

Seeing Raùl again today on top of having this conversation made the rift in time separating now from then all too real in Toki's mind. He came to a slow with Skwisgaar as they gazed up at a stone building, true to Göteborg's Romantic Nationalist architecture and with Karl Johansskolan etched near the top of the tallest structure in Roman font. Seven figures of varying size and poses occupied the gable. “Whats are those? Anything specials?”

“I can'ts recall,” Skwisgaar admitted after a moment of thought. “Dis ams my old school, anyways.”

“Is nice. Makes me wish I gots to go to a real school.”

“How nice de building am don'ts make up for de kids insides it.”

“Aw, don'ts tells me you gots bullied here.”

“De way we walkeds here amn'ts de quickest or best way. I woulds has rather risked de walking trails and hads to leave a few minutes earlier, den walks wit' all de assholes.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “I hads a couples friends here, mores dan I hads in Vällingby, but it wasn'ts untils I was in Kovland dat I was cools enough to gets left alone. De guitar helpeds. Oh well. . .I hopes dat de kids I went to schools wit' here remembers who I am so dat dey knows I wounds up famous and dey didn'ts.”

Toki laughed; he'd experienced the same sense of tasteful revenge when hitting it big with Dethklok. “Nots that it makes you problems go away, but is still satisfyings that maybes they feel stupids for callings you names or stealings your lunch money.”

“Exactlies. Who needs dem assholes, anyway? I gots all de friends I needs, now.” Skwisgaar let go of Toki's hand in favour of putting it around his shoulder instead. “Dis ams all I can stands to look at dis place, anyway. You wants to goes down to Slottskogen, next?” 


	114. Foreigner

Slottskogen, unlike the small trails they passed through on the way to Karl Johansskolan, was nicely paved and lined with streetlights. Foot-traffic, mildly thinner than they'd met out in the city, harboured a placid energy. While he and Skwisgaar grew silent, Toki attempted to catch some of the conversation from those they passed. Encountering Swedish in the courthouse, on the television, and while out and about helped him pick up a few new words. He almost felt confident to attempt it conversationally, although sharing English as a common language with Skwisgaar reenforced his laziness. “You know what's weirds?”

“Hm?”

“We's in Sweden and I's barely heards you speak Swedish. Is kinds of dumb to say, but beings here with you really drives home that you haves a different background than me. Ins the States, has always been that hey, this guy is from Europes too, and just so happens to be from the country rights next to mine. We kind of sounds alike, but I can'ts always understand what the hell he sayings. Now I'ves been in Stockholm and Göteborg withs you, and I've seens where you considereds your home. Is easy in a totallies different country to thinks we's from the same place, especially since I didn'ts experience all that much culture outsides Lillehammer when I was younger, but now I startings to see your roots.”

“Ams more neat dan weird. You ams only just noticings dat? I'ves always thought abouts it dat way.”

“You weren'ts as sheltereds as me, though.”

“True. I mets others Norwegians before I mets you. Dey ams okay. Easiers to underskand dan de Dutch.”

“I thinks you talkings about Danish people, but the Dutch are evens harder to understand, so I lets this one slide.”

“I don'ts t'ink dere ams a differensk.”

“My god Skwisgaar, they's two _totallies_ different things! Has no ones ever pointeds that out to you?” A shake of Skwisgaar's head forced a harsh, impatient exhale from Toki's lungs. “Danish peoples come from Denmark and Dutch peoples come from the Netherlands.”

“Netherlands. . .I thoughts dat was a parts of Denmark?”

“No, elskling. We'ves played in Amsterdam before, where dids you think we weres?”

“Holland.”

“Thats is only a region in the Netherlands, nots the whole thing.”

“ _Ohhh_ , so—holds on a minute, if Hollands am parts of de Netherlands, and dat ams where Dutch peoples am from, den where do Hollandaise peoples come from?”

Toki could've cried, for how stupid his boyfriend sounded. “There's no such things. Hollandaise is a types of sauce, you fuckings idiot.”

“Huh, I guess I needs to. . .re-evaluates my life. De Danish am scums, and I actuallies quite liked de Dutch, den. Hads a goods time, in Amsterdam. Lots of kinky ladies. Gots a good pegging, dere.”

“So that's why you were hobblings, when you gots back to the Dethkopter?”

“I maintains dat I trips and hort my ankle ons de way back.” Skwisgaar's nose rose in the air. “Was darks. Whatevers.”

“Sure, Skwis.”

“I cans handle somet'ing in my ass, so fucks off, ah?”

Twin chuckles ended with their shoulders bumping. “We's never been successfuls before doings it, but it seems more possible when we's here that we might speaks our own languages with each other. I'ves gottens really used to speakings Norwegian again, since I does at homes, and I's been gettings used to Swedish since coming over for the trial. Two weeks isn't enough times to learn everything, but you coulds always teach me.”

“Ams always more trouble dan it worth. Why bother to switches when we ams just fine speakings English together?”

“Because if we're stayings in Norway or Swedens for a while, mights be a pain to switch backs and forth all the time. Whens you come visit me and ifs we's visitings with my mom, I don'ts want you to falls out of the loops.”

“She speaksk English, doesn't she?”

“Prefers to speaks Norwegian at home. And accordings to Anders, our dialect is strange compareds to other ones. I don'ts know how it stands beside Bokmål, but I guess you don't speaks that anyway, so is kinds of pointless to makes the comparison.” Toki nudged him. “How comes you fighting it so much, anyway? Wouldn'ts you rather speaks your first language?”

“It just seem likes a lots of troubles, to goes through learnings a whole other language, when we haves one we cans talk just fines in. Forst of all, which ones would we pick? Ams pointless to picks just one, because you wills comes to visit me in Sweden, and I'll goes to visits you in Norway.”

“We cans learn both.”

“I don'ts t'ink it work dat way. We would starts messings dem up all de time.”

“So?”

“Norwegians understand Swedish easiers dan de other ways around, so you ams at an advankage.”

“Ifs you too lazy or don'ts want to, just says it and I leaves you alone.”

Skwisgaar pursed his lips in thought, then ultimately shrugged. “I guess we can gives it a goes. So whats, while we ams in Göteborg, we switch overs to Swedish?”

“Sounds good to me,” Toki made a cautious switch to Norwegian, immediately earning a shake of Skwisgaar's head.

“No, that's wrong. Say 'låter good to me'. And lose the extra little words, I hate those and they don't belong.”

“You're going to have to learn them, eventually.”

“Not today,” Skwisgaar replied with a gloating smirk. “You're doing all right so far? You understand what I'm saying?”

“The låter thing got me, but ja, I'm okay. You'll let me know what little words to drop, as we go?”

“Ja, for starters. . .”

Even if Toki didn't understand every single word Skwisgaar said, Swedish's simpler structure helped him learn by context. Still, just to be sure, Toki asked for clarification on anything that didn't immediately translate through his experience with Skwisgaar. He'd learned more Swedish than English from the man when first inducted into Dethklok, so that helped too. “Do you hear that you sound different from other Göteborgare?”

“I would assume I do. I haven't lived here in a long time, and I don't think I really ever lost the accent I picked up in Kovland and Sundsvall.”

“I don't know if it's because we've lived together for so long or what, but you're easier to understand than anyone around here. You have diction similar to mine,” Toki used a word he'd learned from Anders, when describing language. “That'll make this easier.”

“I'm probably going to be a little lost, in Norway,” Skwisgaar finally admitted what Toki suspected all along. “That'll help me sound less stupid.”

“You're not stupid, elskling. Well, besides the whole hollandaise thing.” Toki fed him a reassuring smile. “Everyone's allowed to come off as dumb when trying to learn a new language. It's not that you're slow, you literally just can't understand. Swedish is easier for me to learn and I've had encounters with it here and there, not to mention we share English as a common language. I'll help you understand Norwegian just fine.”

“Maybe.”

“You've already learned English, and that's way harder. Haven't you picked up a little Norwegian through the years?”

“A bit, I guess. Vocabulary and the odd insult, but I think I'm still a little shaky on structure.”

“That's okay. If you say something awkward, I'll correct you.”

“I think we should have a rule—stipulation, whatever—that if we're having a serious conversation or an argument, and it's too hard for either of us to stick to whatever language we're currently speaking, then it's all right to switch to English.”

“That should be a given. No point fighting if we can't even understand each other, because that'll only make us angrier. I'm pretty confident about this, though.” Even throwing English to the wind for this long made Toki feel more embedded into a foreign land. Skwisgaar finally agreeing to do the same further altered his identity; in Sweden, Toki could no longer relate to him as a fellow outsider. Skwisgaar was home, with his own culture, language, and city. Eager to observe his boyfriend free of American assimilations, Toki paid close attention to how Skwisgaar's mouth curved around every word it formulated. Occasionally they pulled back into his throat, attempting to free a lodged potato before relenting like wine pouring from a bottle. It sounded both lazy and more complicated than anyone else speaking in vicinity that Toki compared him to. No wonder Stockholm and Göteborg dialects caused Toki such pause upon acquaintanceship.

After passing a closed zoo and a couple other seasonal attractions Slottskogen offered, Toki shuddered involuntarily as they entered a coffee shop. Although comfortable easing into Swedish with Skwisgaar, ordering a hot drink from someone else provided his first challenge. Even in Stockholm, he'd taken advantage of every English-speaking barista he could find. After elaborating the need for something sugar-free, Toki looked to Skwisgaar for confirmation that he'd made himself clear enough.

“This is giving me flashbacks, to when you were trying to teach me English,” Toki told him while they waited. “At least this isn't so much of a nightmare.”

Skwisgaar snorted. “What was so bad about me teaching you English?”

“At least Swedish, you can speak. Your English was _terrible_ , back then.”

“My English is still terrible. You've just grown used to it.”

Something occurred to Toki, with that admission. “Are you scared you're going to speak Norwegian as poorly as you do English?”

“Hm, maybe.”

“Do you think I'll make you feel dumb, by correcting you?”

“I hate being corrected.”

“How else are you supposed to learn?” Toki pat his backside, since occupying a length of wall allowed him to do so on the sly. “Skwis, just swallow your pride a little bit. I'm not going to gloat or call you stupid just because you're taking the steps to learn another language. I'm proud of you, for doing this with me. It makes me happy. Why would I ruin this opportunity?”

“To make up for how terrible of an English teacher I was?”

Toki shook his head. “I don't care about that. It was years and years ago. I want you to speak Norwegian with me—to be comfortable with it—so I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize that.”

“It's a little funny how being on this side of the ocean is bringing this on for us. We've spent plenty of time alone in the United States. What's so different, here?”

“I'm the only one that's a foreigner now, for one. I want to feel at home where _you_ feel at home, and I don't want you to feel out of place where _I'm_ at home. In the States, we were both just European guys, with no real way to express our cultures without going out of our way. Now that it's all around us again, we shouldn't be strangers in our homelands. We're more obviously a bicultural couple.”

“That's a good point,” Skwisgaar conceded after clarifying a few shaky words and sentence structures that Toki utilized. “I'll admit it felt strange to speak English again, after speaking Swedish nearly exclusively for seven months.”

“Same, after speaking Norwegian for six or so.” Toki pressed up closer to the other man. “This is a little strange, bleeding into Swedish with you, but it feels more natural a lot sooner than growing accustomed to English in the United States was.”

“It's still going to be easier for you. But at least Norwegian conjugations are simpler than English. That's where I really fucked up.”

“Ja. . .I know.”

Skwisgaar attempted to bat the scoff out of Toki, though stalled when their names were called. Having been removed from the spotlight for so long, it wasn't until heads turned that Toki realized their mistake. Conversations died on an outward roll, heading for the walls until murmurs and whispers replaced them. 3579 and 12098 closed in on them reactively as they headed for the door.

Toki grew uncomfortable with public scrutiny since returning to this side of the Atlantic, and this tested it. Ultimately Skwisgaar had it worse, having just been released from prison a few days prior. Was it worth the resultant scrutiny to take his hand as silent support? Deeming it something extra that neither needed to deal with, especially with knowledge certain to spread that they visited Göteborg, Toki maintained a safe distance until they'd travelled far enough toward Slottskogen's southern edge. Thankfully, no one followed.

“You ready to head back to the hotel?” Toki asked.

“Ja, I think so. It's going to be hard to move around peacefully, as soon as everyone tells their friends we're here. Oh well. . .” Skwisgaar took Toki's hand again with a sigh. “We had fun for a little while, invisible.” 


	115. Looking Ahead

The bus ride back toward Upper House made Toki increasingly nervous. It started with someone behind them receiving a text before stating in a not-so-hushed tone, “Pål is at Café Björngårdsvillan and he swears to God Toki Wartooth and Skwisgaar Skwigelf were just there.”

The young woman's skeptical friend scoffed. “I doubt it. Didn't the band go back to Mordhaus yesterday morning? There was a big thing about it on the news.”

“But they didn't actually _show_ them, did they?”

“You and Pål, and your theories.”

“I'm just saying. . .”

As their journey neared Liseberg, their names followed like a relentless echo. Toki had since pulled his scarf up over his nose despite the increase of sweltering heat, and his blood ran cold whenever someone held eye contact with him.

“Hej.” Skwisgaar elbowed Toki when he checked an incoming text message. Rather than state names and possibly draw further attention to themselves, Toki took the device to read it over. “Is this something you wanted to deal with right away when we get back to the hotel, or do you want to put it off for a while?”

“I'm not sure.” A meeting with Crystal Mountain, though expected, was not entirely welcome. Toki felt the wrinkle of Skwisgaar's nose right to his very soul. “I don't really want to think about it any longer than I have to, but I'm not looking forward to it.”

“We have a choice in the matter. No one can make us do anything.”

“I know what that dildo's going to do, though. 'Well boys, think you could shit out an album or two in the next couple years?' _Pff_. . .we thought it was bad that we took away a month of writing and recording from the band by running away? I don't even want to think about what kind of shit I'll get for tacking another seven or eight onto it.”

“Unless Nathan and Pickles have been working as hard as they claim, we don't have anything. This is stupid. Damien can't expect us to hit the ground running. Ja, we can accomplish great things when our heads are all in the right place, but I don't think any of us are, at the moment.”

“I know _I'm_ not. If they want me back over there, they'll have to drag me kicking and screaming.” Skwisgaar paused. “Might as well get it over with, I guess. Not right away, though. I'm hot as balls, and I wouldn't mind to clean up first.”

Stepping off the bus came with a sigh of relief on Toki's part, mostly for the cool wash that finally touched his neck as he tugged his scarf loose. “Bath might be nice.”

Agreement on Skwisgaar's part landed Toki in beside him. While Skwisgaar's chin touched the water's surface and his eyes briefly closed, Toki handled the business end of things. With a plan concreted by Charles, he nudged the other man's knee. “We have half an hour before we're expected to do the video conference.”

“I can't believe I'm actually about to do something for work,” Skwisgaar lamented. “I need to get back to practicing.”

“Didn't you play guitar in jail?”

“Not Dethklok stuff.”

“You don't say.” Toki took up position beside him. “What did you play then? Surely not scales, for seven months. Although I suppose you're not exactly above that.”

“Close to it, but not really. I hesitate to call it my own stuff, because Dethklok is probably what would come right to mind to anyone that listens to it.”

“Now you've got me really curious.” This time last year Toki considered Skwisgaar's music synonymous with Dethklok, but after learning him a little more deeply, he realized now that he'd more than likely never actually heard anything so personal from the other man. “Will you show me sometime?”

“Oh. . .maybe.”

“None of that 'maybe' crap, I want to hear something you'd create when not aiming for something Nathan would approve of.”

A shy smile adorned an exhausted expression. “I don't know if you'd care for it. It's not always metal and I don't really have an easy way to categorize or explain it.”

“So? Sounds like you already.”

“Hey, fuck you. I'm _always_ metal.”

“No you're not, and it's okay. I'm not either.” Toki kissed Skwisgaar's shoulder. “We're just a couple of guys that happen to be in a metal band. It doesn't make us soft. We still kill it with a wall of bass behind us. As soon as you try to limit yourself though, you start omitting pieces. Why won't you show me? So long as you made it, I love it already.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I would listen to it as your boyfriend, not a bandmate. So long as it's yours and it's honest, I love it and I want it like I want you.”

“That's. . .one way to look at it, I suppose.”

Toki wouldn't push Skwisgaar, especially since sharing _his_ own music went nowhere but downhill. Still, after the sweat they'd accumulated throughout the day was washed away and Toki wrapped up in a thick, soft towel, he attempted to discern what kind of music would emerge from the depths of Skwisgaar's mind, based on how he moved. Toki always found it amazing that for Skwisgaar's height, he was actually quite graceful. Of course, according to the man's stories, that wasn't always so. Toki had to judge by memory of their oldest demos just how far Skwisgaar had come in both musicianship and as a person. Those two things seemed codependent, and now Toki's curiosity burned like plasma from a newly-born star. Skwisgaar didn't even have a laptop that Toki could sneak onto. Until Skwisgaar moved the material from his mind to a more accessible platform, Toki would have to remain in the dark.

“You look good.” Changing the subject, Toki leaned up to kiss Skwisgaar's cheek as the man brushed his hair. His hand crept up under the man's sweater, to remind himself that a small pouch of fat no longer existed there. “Are you going to keep working out?”

“Got into the habit of it, but we'll see. Why?”

“I've never gone running or to the gym with you, before.”

“ _Pff_ , and you never will. You'll just embarrass me.”

“It's not a competition, elskling.”

“I still can't compare. I thought I might've caught up a little, but no.” Skwisgaar lifted his shirt to his bellybutton and traced where his abdomen had since trimmed inward. “I'll never be anything but a twig.”

“There's always steroids.” Toki couldn't say it with a straight face.

“ _Pff_ , if I want tits, I'll just start popping estrogen pills.”

“I'm kidding, anyway.” Loose arms went around Skwisgaar's middle. “I love you no matter what. I know that doesn't mean too much when you can't look the exact way _you_ want to see yourself, but you can rest assured that you're always safe with me.”

“You know, I think you're the only person that doesn't scoff at me, if I'm not happy about how I look. Even if I can't get my body to go the way I want it to, I know I'm still good-looking. Still, sometimes I wish I was a little different.”

“We all do. It's normal.” Toki shrugged.

“What do you wish was different about you?”

“I wish I wasn't so scarred up.”

Skwisgaar hesitated in gathering his hair into a ponytail. “Right.”

“I don't notice them all that much anymore, but I really wish they weren't here, sometimes. I like to think I'm nearly at-peace with with what my Far did and I hate being reminded of it when I look in the mirror. I could say that I wear them like a badge of courage or some inspiring bullshit, but it's not true. They're ugly. They're a reminder of a time when I was little, helpless, and terrified.”

“I guess everyone's got something they're embarrassed or ashamed about, with their body,” Skwisgaar replied. “Even the other guys. Nat'an bitches about how fat he is, Pickle hates being so short and soft, and Moidaface. . .well, he's bitched about everything, at one point or another.”

“It bugs me when people say men don't have body image issues, or else treat them as trivial. Just because there's a lot of pressure on women to look good doesn't mean the same doesn't exist for us.”

“I don't believe in putting pressure on people to look a certain way. I think everyone's good-looking just as they are. Imagine how boring the human race would be, if we were all blond-haired, blue-eyed, two metres tall, with sharp cheekbones, flawless skin, and toned muscles?”

“You pretty much just described yourself.”

“That's the ideal though, isn't it? Isn't that what we're conditioned to believe is the only thing worth calling beautiful?” Skwisgaar scoffed. “Ja, because fitting into that category magically makes your life wonderful. You know that when I was young, I hated that I looked that way? It only ever got me into trouble. Got me attention I didn't want. That's how it felt, anyway. I know now that's not true.”

As Skwisgaar cleaned his face, Toki imagined him studying himself as a young boy in the mirror. Toki never had the chance to worry about how he looked until he left Lillehammer, not only because they didn't have much for mirrors but because hard work, faith, and community standing were valued above all else. Then again, even after that, it didn't matter. Quite soon, his fame got him anything he needed.

Before Skwisgaar could pull his ponytail out, Toki turned him and gently pinned him against the counter. They still had another five minutes or so before they needed to position themselves before his laptop, and Toki planned on using them completely to his advantage. He ran his hands over Skwisgaar's thighs. “If it's worth anything, you're perfect in my eyes. Every thought you have, every face you make, every _sound_ you make. And you know what's starting to dawn on me again? There's nothing stopping me from enjoying all that— _this—_ for a really long time.”

The grin he earned landed Toki swollen lips by the time he booted up his laptop downstairs at the dining table. Skwisgaar's hand rested on his knee out of sight, and got a squeeze once the correct program came up and they waited for an invitation from Charles to enter a new conference. Once that connected, the band conference room popped into view, pixelated and blurry to start but smoothing out once the internet caught up to the demand. The other guys seemed tired, slouched as they were in their seats, but they summoned enough energy to greet Toki and Skwisgaar when waved at.

Small-talk about their journey across Sweden and the others' trip across the Atlantic was cut off by Facebones announcing Damien's request to tap into the room. Déjà vu struck Toki as his red bust appeared at the centre of the table, but it didn't stress him out quite as much this time around. He had an idea of what to expect and no one could make him do anything. Physical removal helped him maintain his stress; Skwisgaar didn't mirror that until Toki took his hand again. If anyone were to place blame in this situation it would come Skwisgaar's way, and Toki was ready to defend that.

Damien's gaze directed toward the screen that hosted their likenesses. “Well, this is quite the turn of events, isn't it? But I can't help but comment on the obvious fact that you two aren't here with the rest of the band.”

“We needs a break. Haves been very stressfuls lately,” Skwisgaar stated without a single iota of apology in his tone.

“Need I remind anyone here that you have only twenty-three months left to release two albums—?”

“Damien, you need to manage your expectations. Just because Skwisgaar narrowly avoided prison doesn't mean the boys are magically going to make the deadline.” Charles pulled the hologram's attention. “If you want them to produce anything worthy of their brand or Crystal Mountain, then we should revisit my previous suggestion. Let's redraft the contract.”

“I'm not redrafting. This is ridiculous, how can this band not put out three albums in seven years? All my other acts are managing just fine.”

“That's because they haven't dealt with the same things that Dethklok deals with on a daily basis. Perhaps with less pressure on them now they'll do better, but you're asking too much, Damien. There's only so much they—and I—can do. You'll be better off to let them go it their own pace for a while.”

“I have a suggestion, then.” Toki didn't like the unfriendly smile that came over Damien. “You want to negotiate? Let's do the next best thing and nullify the contract.”

“Nullify?” Nathan piped up. “Wait a minute, we don't want that.”

“Why not? Then you can take all the time you want, to figure out what exactly the band's future is going to be. Don't look at it as Crystal Mountain dropping Dethklok. Merely, you guys couldn't hold up your end of the bargain, so after you pay up the agreed-upon penalty—which I noticed, Charles, was one of the suggested changes in your redraft—we can perhaps in-future discuss again a business relationship.”

A silence passed as each individual band member considered the offer. Toki found it tempting. No more pressure at _all_ took a lot off their shoulders. Depending on how large the penalty was for severing their contract with Crystal Mountain, they could perhaps still retire with a large percentage of their bank accounts remaining intact. Whether or not Toki remained in Dethklok wouldn't matter so much, anymore; they had no obligations. Anything they did would stem from internal motivation, just as the band had once been, so many years ago.

“What's this penalty?” Nathan asked. “How much money are we looking at paying back?”

“According to my math. . .” Damien consulted something out of sight, “One-point-zero-five billion dollars. Half a billion for each of the albums that you failed to uphold, and then my money back at a five percent interest rate that I invested in said albums to be completed. Charles, are you getting anything different?”

A quick consultation with a calculator had Charles shaking his head.

“It's a big decision.” Damien conceded. “Sleep on it and get back to me later?”

When he disappeared, the room remained silent. Toki, rather impartial and not much a weight in band business, took a back seat to a heavily-browed Nathan, contemplative Pickles, and tight-lipped Skwisgaar. Under his breath, in his first language, he got Toki's attention. “Goddamn it, I fucked up so badly.”

“You can't take the blame for this. It's going to be okay.” This wasn't the time to talk about it, but Toki knew he'd have to face it later, should the band lean in favour of Damien's suggestion.

“Let's be realistic for a minute,” Nathan finally spoke up. “Are either of these albums going to happen? Are we at a place where we're ready to hop back in the studio? Skwisgaar?”

The man leaned back in his chair upon address, gaze floating beyond the computer screen to the window. “Does you wants me to tells you de truth or whats you wants to hear?”

“The truth. We can't work with lies right now.”

“Den no. I amn'ts ready. I ams fars from it.”

“How far?”

“Ams too hard to say.”

“Why don't you all take some time to think about it?” Charles suggested.

“Talk to us about the money side of things,” Pickles said. “This billion dollars or whetever. . .how big of a dent is thet gonna put in our accounts?”

“Not much objectively, although with how little we've been pulling into the company, there would have to be more layoffs. It would be in our best interest to close down Mordhaus Major and just keep your residence wing going with support staff. I've done the math on that, and if you boys spent your money moderately in that situation, you could reasonably retire to a comfortable life.”

Toki's stomach flipped oddly with those words. Retire? The prospect didn't come with excitement, as he thought it would. It was easy to dream about letting this all go when Toki sat at odds against everyone and shrivelled up into an unrecognizable form. Sitting amongst friends and his boyfriend—his family—he couldn't accept that the phenomenon responsible for bringing them together in the first place might come to pass.

“I dunno. . .” Nathan crossed his arms. “That's leaving a really bad taste in my mouth. I don't want the band to go, with this.”

“I ain't quittin' Dethklok, no way, no how,” Pickles replied. “Anyone else?”

Heads shook around the table, as well as in Sweden.

“Just think about it,” Charles repeated. “This isn't something you should decide upon right away. If you have any questions about finance or the contract's stipulations, feel free to ask me. Otherwise. . .take a couple of days. See how you feel.”


	116. Compassion

Microseconds before the other guys disappeared from the screen, Skwisgaar leaned forward on the table with his face in his hands. “Fuck, I can't believe how much I've screwed everything up.”

“Skwis—”

“We're just about to get dropped by our label. You can't tell me this is okay.”

“I can, and I'm going to. It doesn't make a difference, because we were already banking on shelling out over a billion dollars and whatnot since we all assumed you'd be staying in Sollentuna. This doesn't change anything. Whether you're in there or free, you still need to take care of yourself.”

“Why should I put myself before everyone else though, when it's my fault this is happening? If I'd just _not_ gone to Sweden, we would probably be on track to fulfill the contract. Instead of talking about this, we'd be planning a show to go with the latest album's release. Nat'an, Pickle, and I would already be in the studio about the next one. We'd all be stoked because we were ahead of schedule and we were actually going to pull this off.”

“We have no idea what would've happened, so you can't idealize that period. What do you think would happen if we went back right now? Would the stress be worth it?”

“Who cares about the stress? I'm going to be more stressed out away from there. Everyone's relying on me, Toki. Klokateers are going to lose their jobs, the guys—and you—are going to have to shell out over two-hundred million dollars a piece. Who knows what's going to happen to the economy? Ja, it's stable for now, but how long can that reasonably last? What do you think people are going to do when they hear about this? Rush out to spend their money and keep everything going, or hoard it all?”

“Everyone was already accustomed to the idea that Dethklok isn't going to put out new material anytime soon and besides, _real_ fans might be disappointed but they'll understand. They'd rather listen to something we came up with in genuine fashion over something we were pressured into.”

“I don't know. . .”

“Skwis, look at me.” Toki rested a hand on the man's shoulder and waited until blue eyes focussed on him before continuing. “It's going to be okay. You don't need to take on this entire weight. If Nathans, Pickle, or Moidaface had anything to say against it, they would've when we had them on the line.”

While Skwisgaar's panic eased enough for him to function, his stare remained long and his lip perpetually chewed upon as the day slowly ticked away. Toki did all he could to distract, whether that led them to the bedroom, out for dinner, or curled up in front of the television with a favourite movie of Skwisgaar's that he hadn't seen in well over a year. However much of the man's attention Toki managed to diverge, the topic still crept up whenever Skwisgaar had a moment to himself. Sense of victory finally touched Toki as Skwisgaar managed to doze off before him, but whittled away when he woke up not much later to find himself alone. He thought for a moment that a creaking door meant Skwisgaar merely rose to empty his bladder again, but the murmur of voices downstairs drew Toki out of bed.

Wrapped up in a robe, he peered over the balcony to where he and Skwisgaar had sat earlier while in conference. Toki thought for a moment that Skwisgaar would see him, facing each other as they did, but a pale face bathed in light and lack of any such thing where Toki loitered ensured Skwisgaar's attention kept to his preoccupation.

“I just don'ts know what to do.” Computer light emphasized the bags beneath Skwisgaar's eyes. A few strands of hair, having come free from his ponytail, cast tiny vertical shadows on his face. “Haves you guys had de chance to t'ink about it yet?”

“Yeah.” Nathan's voice came through the speakers on a diminuendo as Skwisgaar adjusted the volume. His eyes darted in Toki's direction, looking right through him toward where he believed Toki still lay. “Forget what you're thinking, how do you feel?”

Skwisgaar furrowed his brow. “Why does dat matter? I'm stressed out, because I don'ts want to fucks dis up anymores dan I already has. Ja, maybes you guys were bankings on nots doings anyt'ing wit' me for a longs while, but I haves dis opportunity now to fix everyt'ing. Why wouldn'ts I takes dat? Shoulds I come home?”

“By the looks of you, prahbly not,” Pickles spoke next.

“What does dat mean?”

“Dood c'mon, don' make me state the obvious. You ain't ready to get back to this yet.”

“I cans be, if I haves to.”

“No, you can't be. This ain't somethin' you kin just decide and it'll werk.”

“We were talking about it earlier in the hot tub, us and Murderface. He brought up a good point. The last thing we need is for you to come home and get even more stressed out, because what happens then? He was all freaked out that you'd either kill one of us or yourself, and while I'm, uh. . .keeping it open as a possibility—”

“Ams dat what I'ms always going to be, now?” Skwisgaar snapped in a whisper. “Someone dat you t'ink ams capables of killings my friends? Dat need to be on suicides watch all de time?”

“That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we worry about you, dude. You're obviously not ready for this.”

“Prison ain't easy, okee? Just because yer free, thet don't obligate you to jump right back into whet was stressin' you out in the first place.”

Skwisgaar rubbed his temple. “It wasn'ts just dat.”

“Sure, but you can't say it was helpin'.” When Skwisgaar stubbornly refused to concede to that, Pickles carried on. “Look, if you called us on here so that we'd make yer mind up for you by tellin' you to get yer ass home, it ain't gonna happen. We've been dealing wid this already, wid Tokee. We can't make you two do anything you don't wanna, 'n' obviously it ain't no good to push. You need to decide on yer own to come home. Thet bein' said, I don't think you should.”

“I don'ts underskand why you would say dat. Don'ts you want to take de opportunity to gets back everyt'ing we've lost? Don'ts you miss makings music toget'er?”

“We do, but bro.” Nathan again. “It's not worth it when it's just going to wreck you.”

“Who cares about me? Dere am bigger t'ing to worries about, likes our fans and—and our monies. I don'ts want you guys to haves to spend so much to pays for my mistake.”

“We all talked about that too. Honestly? I'll put the billion up all by myself if it means you take a breather.”

“I don'ts need one. I needs. . .to gets back into routine.”

“Thet's bullshit 'n' you know it. C'mon dood, you think we haven't figured it out? This goes back further than this whole prison thing. You 'n' Tokee runnin' off last April, we know thet was yer idea. You've been needin' to get out of here fer a while. Don't try to lie. We get it, okee?”

“We've been pressuring you from day one, when we pretty much forced you to join Dethklok.”

“I don'ts care, I loves dis band. I don'ts want to quit, or quits what we do.”

“That's all good and fine, no one's telling you to quit. We're just telling you to take a break.”

“Would hearin' some logistics help?” Pickles offered. “We expected to fork thet money over anywee. Damien talked about renegotiating down the road when we were all back to it, because he doesn't wanna let us go. Even if some other group gets famous in the meantime, who feckin' cares? We're still a big act. We're still worth signin'. The dood can rest assured then that when we're back at it, we're feckin' ready to kick ass again. We ain't gonna do thet if we're only steamin' ahead at twenty-percent.”

“I can'ts accept dat. We'ves gone years like dis, pumpings out album after album, why can'ts we just keeps going through two mores?”

“And then whet? Sign another contract, three more albums for seven more years? Should we wipe out our competition and do it all over again? Is thet what you rilly want? You wanna feel like this—prahbly worse—when yer in yer mid-forties instead? 'Cuz lemme tell ya dood, it ain't gonna be any better.”

A fleeting gaze on Skwisgaar's part meant he saw the logic, although he certainly didn't want to. “I don'ts know.”

“Listen to us: take the time off, all right? Goof off with Toki, spend some time with yourself, all that shit. Call Charles in the morning and give him the go-ahead to move two-hundred and ten million dollars toward Crystal Mountain. Tell Toki to do the same.”

“No, I can'ts do dat. You guys can'ts pay for dis. I'll covers it all.”

“It's only fair for us to split it five ways.”

“It amn'ts. Dis ams all my fault and I'll pays for my mistake.”

“I'm not budging on this, Skwisgaar. Sometimes, money doesn't matter, all right?”

“I don'ts want you to be bitters toward me, and it ams my fuck-up dat leads us here in de forst place.”

“Like I said, I'd pay it all myself if it'll keep you away from here. Stop stressing about it. Two-hundred and ten million isn't much to any of us. Besides, Murderface already offered to sell Versailles back to the French and he _will_ be pissed if he finds out that was for nothing.”

“Why woulds he do dat? Why woulds any of you _wants_ to pays dis money to Damien? It don'ts matter if de money amn'ts dat much, it ams de point.”

“The point bein' thet we're kinda all in the same boat anywee, 'n' we're yer bandmates. Whetever it takes fer us to get back to a place where we kin make music like we did when this whole racket even began, it's werth the sacrifice. You have bullshit to sort out, 'n' you need to do thet. We can't watch you go through this anymore, like you have been.”

“I don'ts want dis to be my fault, why Dethklok amn'ts making music. Evens if it was has beens anyway, if I gots put back in prison, I haves a chance to fix t'ing, and dat ams what I wants to do.”

“If you wanna fix shit, you'll listen to us. How bluntly do we have to put it, Skwisgaar? We don't want you back here until you're ready. We're putting your well-being on priority, Toki's too. We owe you that, after the shit we put you through when you came back from Mexico,” Nathan said. “If you come here like this wanting to get back into the studio, I will literally punch you out and send you right back to Sweden. We're paying Crystal Mountain off either way, so if you wanna help out on that, okay a check for two-hundred and ten million dollars.”

Skwisgaar shook his head. “I can't accept dat you woulds want dis to happens.”

“Get used to it. Pressuring you gets the band nowhere, only makes things worse, and goddamn it man, we go back way too long for me to not feel like shit about how I've treated you. Like we said, you've got shit to sort out. You don't need more piled onto you. You deserve a break from what a train-wreck the last few years have been.”

“You don'ts t'ink I hads dat in Sollentuna? Ors when Toki and I rans off?”

“Fuck that. Looking at you right now, and after everything that happened because of whatever you guys went through, that's obviously not true. I never really believed that anyway, and I'm never using it to guilt you again.”

Skwisgaar rubbing his mouth equated to a muffled voice. “I don'ts know if I can accept dat. Dis amn't somet'ing you would say.”

“Time didn' stand still fer us while you were gone, jest like it didn't stand still fer _you_. Jest take it, dood. Take it 'n' go back to bed.”

Need to beat Skwisgaar and undermine any notion that he eavesdropped, Toki retreated before the laptop could close. After he'd stripped back to boxers and lay still with his eyes closed, Skwisgaar crept back into the bedroom. He stalled at the bedside, shedding his own robe, then the mattress dipped as he rejoined Toki. After some tossing and turning, a pocket of air under the covers preceded an arm going around Toki's middle. A quiet sigh followed.

Aware Toki couldn't fool Skwisgaar to believe he actually slept, he turned his face in direction of the other man. “Everything okay?”

“Ja.” A tremble at the tail-end of his vocalization rolled Toki over. This close, Skwisgaar appeared even more worn out and stressed. “It's just one of those nights.”

“What's on your mind?”

“I don't understand how a piece of shit like me wound up with such good friends.”

Deciding not to pretend he had no idea about the barebones of what transpired, Toki pulled him into a tight hug. “We're all your family Skwis, and we want what's best for you. It doesn't matter what you've done, or why. You aren't alone, and you never will be.”

“How can that be true, though?”

“You feel the same for any of _us_ , don't you?”

“Well, ja, but. . .”

“It takes getting used to. You already know I'm going to be here no matter what, and them? It's the same. It doesn't matter that I'm your boyfriend and they're your friends. It's no different, either side of that line.”

“I literally can't believe this will turn out all right. They're going to hate me. Maybe they do already, and they just want to get me out of their hair.”

“You stop that, right now. Do you not think you're worth it?”

“I'm not, after everything I've done to hurt the band.”

“Bullshit.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because obviously we're all on the same page. They have a hard time saying it to your face, Skwis, but they love you. We're a family, and family takes care of each other when shit gets tough.” Toki kissed Skwisgaar's hair. “Why don't you get some sleep? Maybe it'll be easier to accept, in the morning.”

“Were you listening in?”

“I heard most of it, ja,” Toki admitted. “And they said the same thing to me. They're finally coming to terms with where our heads are at. They get it. If they didn't care about us, they'd be pressuring us more than ever.”

“They don't want us there, though.”

“They do, but not like this. They want us happy, and _then_ they want us there.” Toki finally had the chance to brush stray hair from Skwisgaar's face as he relinquished him. “Why don't you want to believe it?”

“I don't know.”

“Did you think everyone was just going to hate you forever, because of what happened?”

Chewing his bottom lip, Skwisgaar nodded barely imperceptibly.

“Well, it isn't true. You're still their brother just as much as you're still my boyfriend. And that's just the way it is.”

“It's maybe a little too much to absorb, right now,” Skwisgaar maintained, cheek lowering to Toki's chest and arm returning around his middle. “There's a _lot_ going on right now, that I need to get used to.”

“I'm still in a state of shock, too. We'll take it all on, one thing at a time, all right? First thing tomorrow, we'll deal with the band.”

Hesitation came before a fresh sigh. “Okay.”

“After that? Who knows, whatever follows, I guess.” 


	117. Mirror

Toki roused earlier than he would've liked in the morning, mind sprung to life regarding what the band poised to do. He didn't have as much control in its trajectory as Skwisgaar, Nathan, and Pickles, and he had little choice but to be faithful that they made the right decision. He harboured no objection to it, since it landed him exactly what he wanted: to be in the band but without the pressure that came with. However nicely this worked in his favour, he still toiled for any sort of catch that might screw him or the others over. Even if the final decision was out of his hands, he at the very least could bring it up for everyone else to ponder.

He kept coming back to how much he and Skwisgaar needed this. Toki wasn't ready at _all_ to return to Mordhaus, and judging by how openly Skwisgaar showed his stress to the other guys, he wasn't either. More curious than apprehensive about how this would go, Toki sat quiet the following evening as the band and Charles met again via video conference.

“You boys are sure this is what you want to do?”

“Hate to throw in the towel, but. . .” Pickles rubbed the back of his neck. “This just ain't gonna happen. I say we pay our way out now 'n' revisit the contract in the new year, like we were gonna do anyway.”

“Ams Damien still ons for dat?” Skwisgaar asked. “How cans we be shore? Who say he wants us signed to his company agains if we can'ts give him dis much?”

“The way I sees it, he haves nothing to lose. He gets paid if we don'ts make the albums we promise we will, and he gets paids a shitloads, if we does. Evens if he don'ts care much abouts us, either way is to his advantage,” Toki said.

“Besides, there are plenty of other labels that would literally kill to have us,” Nathan added. “We'll never have to worry about finding someone.”

“What about Murdertooth Recordsch?”

“Uhh, one, you have no idea how to run a business, and two, we only really need a label for large-scale distribution, at this point. Three, you can't afford us.”

“I's not in the business anymore for that kinds of stuff either, and you don'ts have permissions to take the sole seats of CEO just because I don'ts want no parts in it,” Toki told Murderface. Even if their record label failed, he didn't consider it a game. Just like with Takin' it Easy, Toki would be pissed if Murderface took all the credit yet again for something they created together. “I don't sees a problem in this. Evens just elevens months is a goods, long time to takes a break, and honestlies, at this point is more thans about Skwisgaar. I's needed a good break without this weighings in the back of my mind, and cans any of you says any differentlies, after all these year?”

Pickles and Nathan had already pretty much stated as such the night before, but Toki wanted to see the confirmation for himself.

“It'll be good to get back at it fresh.” Nathan nodded. “It's been an exhausting year. Well, _lots_ of exhausting years. I'm not ready to stop making music, but if we keep pushing ourselves like we have been, I'm going to start hating it really soon.”

“Yeeuh, I mean. . .it's bin non-stop fer me fer nearly twenty-five years now. Thet's a quarter of a century and—oh, goddamn it, I'm old.” Pickles bowed his head with a wrinkled brow. “But not old enough to stop, yet. I wanna charge my batteries and power-through to the day I die.”

“I don't care, either way.” Murderface shrugged with crossed arms. “Doeschn't really affect me, and I don't have asch much schay asch the rescht of you guysch. Scho long asch you let me hang out with you schtill, I don't give two schquirtsch of pissch.”

“So you're all in agreement, then?” Charles asked around for confirmation. “I can call Damien right now and have the money transferred by three o'clock, our time.”

Lingering shock brought forth a long exhale on Skwisgaar's part afterward, when they'd said their goodbyes and closed Toki's laptop. “Tell me again that we're doing the right thing, before it's too late.”

“We are.” Toki squeezed his shoulder as he stood. “Are you hungry? My stomach's on the verge of growling.”

Uncertainty limited Skwisgaar to a lowered gaze and one-word answers as they ordered up room service and retreated back to bed in order to continue the lame show they'd been watching on Netflix. Toki checked his phone compulsively, paranoid he'd miss the message about everything going through, but it wound up that Skwisgaar nudged him first. “I got a text from Charles. Damien received the money and the contract's been shredded.”

“Huh.” Laying here with Skwisgaar and following such a cliché plot didn't lend much to the idea that Toki was suddenly two-hundred and ten million dollars poorer, as well as free from the talons of their long-time record label. He tapped the space bar on his computer to pause the show. “How do you feel?”

“I'm not sure. It's weird. I mean, I'm glad we're all still in the band, but. . .” Skwisgaar furrowed his brow. “I don't really know what to do with myself. Even though there's a lot of stuff off my shoulders now, I'm still worried you and the other guys are going to despise me when what we've done sinks in.”

Toki lightly scratched his back. “I can tell you all day everyday that no one's going to hate you for this, but you won't believe me until time proves it true.”

“It's not like I don't _want_ to believe that.”

“I know. It's going to be okay, though. There might be a rocky period here soon with the public reaction, but who gives a shit? Nothing to do about it now, anyway.”

“Can we just ignore that?” Skwisgaar requested. “I don't want to know what anyone says about me, anymore. I don't even want to leave this room, hardly. Which is weird, because at the same time, now that I have no obligation to do anything for Dethklok, I want to.”

“Just relax with me. Come here.”

More now than ever, Toki felt like a regular jack-off with his boyfriend slumped back against his chest. Fame and wealth aside, they were now just two guys in a band that may only amount to a hobby in future, should will to continue creating dwindle before the new year dawned.

Toki nuzzled Skwisgaar's hair. “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

A roll of the eyes preceded a short sigh. “I'm being serious. When we left Mordhaus last April, is this what you wanted?”

“Not exactly, but close,” Skwisgaar answered after a moment of thought. “Some things, but not all. I won't lie and say I'm not relieved that the pressure of finishing two albums in twenty-three months lifting doesn't feel good. I just wish the circumstances were different. I wish we'd made it to the end of the contract. Everything would be fair game that way, and you guys wouldn't have had to shell any money out. I wish I hadn't been arrested, because guarantee there's going to be no such thing as obscurity for me even if we don't lock ourselves back into a new contract. I miss my mom and mormor, more than ever.”

“Why?”

“Because I'm losing things left and right, and that's terrifying. I have no blood relatives left now, the record deal I worked so hard for when I was young is gone, the thrill of being famous is gone, and even though I got you back, I'm still a little rattled by how long we spent apart.”

“It's okay, Skwis,” Toki assured him. “Seven months is a drop in the bucket for how long we've known each other, and maybe you don't have any blood relatives left—unless you want to count your kids—but it's safe to count the other guys as family. And I know what you mean, about being disillusioned with this whole 'famous' racket. I miss the days when I could go out without escorts or some sort of disguise. I miss not having to think about every little move I make, or what I say.”

“I just want to be someone other than me for a little while. I'm so embarrassed about this whole court thing. I almost rather I'd been sentenced to life, if it meant I never had to face the outside consequences for it. It's okay here, when it's just you and me, but I'm not looking forward to all the questions and speculation. No matter what, it's become a public affair. I'm probably not really allowed to grieve my mom because it's my fault I have to grieve in the first place.”

“Your mother lived inside the same body as someone sick. Maybe no one else will ever understand the entire situation, but that shouldn't stop you from doing what you need to do.”

“You don't think it's weird?”

“I love my father, but he was misguided—too angry and self-righteous for his own good. I understand what you're going through, right now.” Toki hesitated. “I killed him.”

“What?”

“It was an accident, but he died because of me.” Toki had vowed never to tell anyone this when it happened, and part of him suspected that another reason why the guy at Sobertown had his skull kicked in was for a lesser but equally valid reason to be as upset and drunk as that period in time left him.

“So. . .you didn't just leave him in his childhood home, to die in peace?”

Toki shook his head. “I slipped on the steps, and he slid down the hill. Must've hit a weak spot in the ice.”

“He drowned?”

“After everything he ever did to me, I should've felt—hm. Happy isn't the word. Relieved? But I didn't. I was terrified. I didn't see a man that abused me sinking away. I saw my father, and I was powerless to save him.”

Skwisgaar scoffed after a pause of contemplation. “You and me, we're pretty fucked up, aren't we?”

“Better together than alone, in it. Unless we only made each other worse, but I don't think we do. It's nice to have someone around that wants you to do well, and is trying to get better too.”

“Not only that, but gets it. We've been through so much of the same stuff, not to mention it's near-impossible to stay out of each other's business when you live together for so long.”

With a fresh smile, Toki tightened his arms around the other man and nuzzled his neck. “If you haven't realized it yet, _this_ is what matters. Who cares what anyone else thinks? They're going to think what they want, and you don't owe them anything no matter how far off the mark they are. The only person you have to answer to is yourself, and I'll help as much as I can to make sure that doesn't mean you're crushed by conscience.”

“Do I deserve for it to be any other way?”

“Of course you do. You didn't do it to hurt your mom. You just wanted the pain to stop. There's nothing wrong with that. It's only human, to try and escape discomfort.”

“That sounds so selfish, though. My mom hurt me, so I killed her. I have no right to feel anything but guilt for it. She's the one that's dead, not me. If everything had gone to plan, I would be too.”

“Hey,” Toki gently jostled him. “The easy way out isn't always the best answer. You have resources, and you have support. You have a lot of good things to look forward to.”

“I'm not saying I'm going to try and kill myself again, I just. . .would rather not exist when I feel like this.”

“I've been there so many times.”

“Hence why I don't want to be me, for a while.”

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

Naturally, Toki assumed his head would either find purchase between Skwisgaar's legs, or he'd begin the process of undressing the man for a more full-bodied distraction. Instead, he loitered at the suite door in wait for a game console to arrive. He set it up while Skwisgaar changed out his contacts for glasses, emerging from the bathroom with his hair back in a ponytail and with an extra layer thanks to Toki's Amon Amarth hoodie. When they were ready to play, snacking on the occasional candy that too came up with hotel management, the gap between each race brought them closer together on the expansive bed. Eventually, Skwisgaar wiggled his way back between Toki's legs, leaning against his chest. Toki's lips rested near-permanently against the man's temple.

“Quit throwing blue shells at me.”

“Let someone else in first place for once.”

“Hey, don't,” Toki chided him when his controller suffered a knock. “If I can't trust you to sit here, I'm going to shoo you away.”

“Maybe we should play on teams, instead. Then we can work together.”

“You're just tired of getting your ass handed to you.”

Skwisgaar denied it at first, but his brow smoothed out when Toki caved to the request. Right now, making Skwisgaar happy was much more important than lording superior Mario Kart skills, which meant that Toki continuously agreed to a new race for however long the other man wished to play. Only when his eyelids threatened to stay closed and his head grew heavier on Skwisgaar's shoulder was the controller eased from his hands.

“I don't mean to keep you up.” With the hoodie tossed over the side of the bed and his glasses on the dresser-top, bare skin once again pressed up against Toki. “I don't want to be needy.”

“You're not. I love spending time with you, and it's not like we have anything we need to do right now.” Toki kissed him. “Don't apologize.”

“You'd tell me if I was annoying, right?”

“Ja, but I don't find this annoying. I care about you and I want you to be happy. If you want to talk about what happened, we'll talk. If you don't want to think about it, we'll find a way to make that so. If you need me to stay up, I'll just sleep in a bit tomorrow. It's no skin off my back.”

“I'm so scared you're going to realize how big of a mistake you've made, by staying with me.”

“This is where I'm happiest. I know things feel uncertain right now, but just wait. Let me prove it to you, huh?”

A sigh washed over Toki's chest. “I hope you do.” 


	118. Vulnerable

Toki rose first in the morning thanks to a pressing bladder, and segued downstairs after relieving it to the promise of coffee. A silent curtain of snow slowly drifting toward the street mesmerized him from the kitchen unit, then drew him into the sitting area with his mug so that he could better watch it.

The spiral staircase creaking alerted him toward company. “There's coffee in the kitchen, although you might want to make a fresh pot.”

“I'm sure it'll be fine,” Skwisgaar spoke through a yawn. Wisps of hair had escaped his ponytail throughout the night, which he smoothed down after taking a seat beside Toki. “Sleep okay?”

“Pretty good, actually. You?”

A tuckered out man leaning against Toki belied confirmation. With his arm wrapped loosely about Skwisgaar's neck, Toki read the text conversation going back and forth between him and Murderface. “Does he have anything interesting to say?”

Skwisgaar shrugged. “We're just bullshitting. He's the only one that responded to me, so far.”

“About. . .?”

“I wanted to thank them all, for yesterday. I don't really feel like I should, since there shouldn't be anything to thank them—and you—for, but it's better I do that than stay quiet. I don't want anyone to think I'm ungrateful.”

“I don't think anyone does, Skwis.”

“I'm just making sure.”

While Toki worked toward the bottom of his mug, his phone vibrated in his pocket. Curious as to what Murderface might have to say to _him_ , Toki kept the device out of Skwisgaar's line of sight. The text contained a link, shortly followed by _'todays dk minute. Skwisgaar said he doesnt wanna see this kind of stuff so here you go'_

Stomach dropping due to lack of perspective on what he poised to read, Toki pressed his lips together and braced himself. Would their settlement with the label have already hit the media, and public knowledge by extent?

“ _Big news from Mordhaus: Dethklok and Crystal Mountain are splitsville! In a shocking (though not entirely surprising) move, these two superpowers are taking a break in wake of Skwisgaar's release from custody._

“ _As stated by Charles Offdensen late last night, the band members themselves have no intention to go their separate ways. With any luck, they'll be back at it by this time next year. On that note, don't kill yourselves yet, folks!_

“ _As for what the boys in the band will be doing in the meantime, none of our eyes have seen Murderface, Nathan, or Pickles out and about, although possible sightings in Gothenburg might mean that Toki and Skwisgaar haven't made it back across the ocean yet._

“ _Downsizing has curtailed the smoke rising from Mordhaus' mighty mouth and put out its glowing eyes, as 1000 in-Haus klokateers were delivered lay-off notices this morning. As many as seventy-five percent of the chapters around the United States will also be put on temporary hiatus. Although the situation looks grim, it's already turning out better than we speculated would happen, should Skwisgaar have been convicted of murder. So hold off on loading up your shotguns or locating the nearest bridge to jump off. Hope isn't lost yet!”_

Toki hid a sigh from Skwisgaar. That wasn't bad. For Skwisgaar's sake, Toki decided not to indulge his curiosity regarding the public reaction; just like he'd told the man last night, that didn't matter. It would more than likely only cause more stress. If Toki wanted to return to the obscurity he found in Norway, it started today—right this moment, in fact. “What do you want to do, today?”

Bad weather more than rumour that they occupied Göteborg kept them indoors for as long as Skwisgaar could stand containment. So long as they stuck to the main sidewalks, they didn't have to trudge through three inches of fresh snow; Toki hadn't heard any updates from his mother since their spat of a chat, but undoubtedly to contrast how gross Sweden's western coastal cities became with near-zero temperature, Lillehammer probably suffered beneath a fresh roll of cold wind from further north.

Toki forgot since his youth, how much he hated winter past New Years Day. It clung to the land and his bones in turn, although at least his position relative to the Kattegat helped. What would do him even _more_ good was the ability to hold his boyfriend's hand. However, unspoken agreement that public reaction would be too much on top of everything else kept them separate.

While the night led them leisurely into a coffee shop, a restaurant once the sun set, and then a bar for a quick pick-up on their way back to the hotel room, Toki noted a gradual change in Skwisgaar. His anxiety and restlessness eased into familiar stoicism, the man lifted his chin more, and gradually Toki inspired a growing smile with jokes and generally stupid antics. It struck him that Skwisgaar still toiled away inside, judging by the occasional downward flicker of his gaze and tightening of his cheek muscles; in past, Toki would only assume that Skwisgaar tired of his company or found his intrusion bothersome. It struck him that perhaps the general malaise he'd witnessed the past few days better reflected Skwisgaar's state behind the mask he naturally put off.

“Hey.” Toki touched his arm when their suite's door had closed behind him. “How're you doing?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“What does that mean, exactly?”

“As well as could be expected.” Maintaining distance, Skwisgaar shed his coat. “Thanks for getting me out of here for a while, though.”

“Anytime.” Toki's smile faded as their gazes failed to meet again. “Is there anything else I can do to help you feel better? We can play video games again, if you like.”

“You shouldn't do so much for me.”

“I'm not doing this out of obligation. I want you to have a good day, and I care about you. You're a little chilly. . .how about I run you a bath?”

Skwisgaar hesitantly agreed, so he lingered by the master bathroom door while Toki attempted with cold hands to pinpoint a decent temperature. A quiet vocalization pulled the younger man's attention back to him.

“What're you sorry for?”

“Everything. I don't mean to push you away, and I've been nothing but a pain since we left Stockholm.” Greatly interested in his fingernails, Skwisgaar's volume dwindled. “I'm scared I gave you a wrong impression of how I was doing when I first got released, and that you're going to think I'm pathetic and needy. Maybe I shouldn't have told you so quickly about my mom. . .then again, I don't think it would've ever come out if I didn't spew it when things seemed surreal, and you probably wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me. But if I keep acting like this, then that might've wound up true anyway.”

“No, it wouldn't have.” Standing upright, Toki wiped wet fingers on his cold jeans. “You know what I think your problem is?”

“What?”

“You have no idea how to handle being vulnerable. And who could blame you? Look what's happened, every time you were.” Toki took Skwisgaar's hands. “I know it's scary, but I'm glad you were honest with me. You're right—I would've had a really hard time getting back into this if I didn't know what's been bothering you all this time. I only ever want you to be open with me, so that I can understand. It's easy, when I'm ignorant, just to chalk it up to you being difficult. Now that I know how hard things have been, I can be what you need me to be.”

“I want to trust you, but I don't want to put all of me into this if we're only going to go our separate ways again.”

“If we ever truly break up, it won't be because of this. I actually have no idea what it would take, because if the shit we've been through since April isn't enough to put us off, then what the hell _could_ be?” Toki kissed his knuckles. “I love you Skwisgaar, and I'm willing to do anything to make this work. I'm willing to do anything for _you_. I want you to be happy, safe, and warm.”

“No one's ever really told me that, before.”

“And that's a goddamn tragedy.”

“You really believe that?”

“When I know you so well, and who you are?” Toki scoffed. “Of course it is. You're something else, entirely. I look at other people and I feel so fucking _sorry_ for them, because they don't have what _I_ do. I'm the luckiest dildo on the whole planet.”

Softened apprehension allowed Toki to undress Skwisgaar for the bath. Rather than yearning to grope and pin this man to the bed they shared, Toki kept the task as chaste as possible. Since he involved himself sexually with Skwisgaar, he needed to prove that not everything stemmed from or led to that. Skwisgaar watched him closely, especially when the clink of his belt and loss of his bottom half's garments revealed him completely. Submerged in the bathtub, Toki measured the other man's tension as it slowly melted away.

“Toki, what if we were just friends?”

“What do you mean?”

“Hypothetically, say we never hooked up, never fucked, anything like that. Would you still care about me as much?”

“Of course I would. You're still my best friend, and I love you anyway. Sex has nothing to do with that.”

“So if I didn't want to be touched, you would respect that?”

Toki stilled where his fingers grazed Skwisgaar's waist. “Are you saying you want me to stop?”

“I just want to know.”

“I'd never force you to do anything you didn't want to, nor would I force it _on_ you.”

“Okay.”

Toki nuzzled Skwisgaar's hair when the man's head came to rest on his shoulder. If Skwisgaar needed someone to prove that such a boundary existed, then he could do that. After they'd warmed up and washed off, Toki slipped into fresh boxers and a tee shirt with his gaze far from the long pale body in near vicinity. “Do you remember the promise I made to you on our road trip, before we crossed into Oregon?”

“Uh. . .”

“If you wanted to fool around or anything, I'd put that all in your court,” Toki prompted his memory. “I'm going to do that again, now. I remember all too well what it's like to feel so weird about sex, and being in control of it helps. It gets rid of the anxiety.”

“I'd hate to cut you off. . .”

“Don't consider it cutting me off. Trust me, my hands know the way to my dick if I need anything.”

A dorky laugh started what Toki deemed a much better night for the other man. While back in Kennewick Skwisgaar only lasted a day before straddling Toki's waist, their shift back toward friendship passed that old record with ease. If not for how carefree and happy Skwisgaar grew, Toki might've worried. He missed sleeping with Skwisgaar that way, although lingering propensity to snuggle, kiss, and sit together on the kitchen floor for hours as conversation took them away tided him over. Word from Charles that the lady in mormor's old apartment departed earned Toki a taste of the man's weight before they began packing for the shift west they'd take in the morning.

“What day did we get here?” Toki asked out of curiosity.

“On Tuesday, I think.”

“Cool. We got to stay in this room longer than if we'd come here instead last spring. Only by a day, but whatever. I'm going to take it.” Toki removed his hand from Skwisgaar's back before it could linger too long. The problem with giving the man a chance to explore himself short of sexuality was that it tended to make Toki only want him that much more. However, he prided himself on how much self-control and restraint he'd shown since making that pact.

With their bags packed, nightly routines complete, and the lights out, Toki habitually welcomed Skwisgaar up against his side under the covers. Breath and hair alike grazing his chest became normal, although wandering fingertips over his abdomen weren't usual in accordance to their hiatus. Toki paid close attention to their trajectory, eyes cracking open against the dark room when the hem of his boxers went bypassed. His nails pressed against Skwisgaar's back when a hand other than his own grasped him in a slow stroke.

“Feel up for something?”

As if Skwisgaar even had to _ask_. Being unable to engage him like this for a week after only having him back for two days equated to torture for Toki. On top of that, purposeful touch and soft lips teasing his nipple arched Toki's back while blood fled his head in favour of his core. “Whatever you want.”

He didn't have to move very far, for Skwisgaar to be happy. Familiar weight in his lap and hair brushing his stomach in a different manner fascinated Toki almost as much as feeling out how the man's leg muscles worked. Unable to stand it, he pushed his top half up off the bed and kissed Skwisgaar as deeply as he could while rocking up to meet him. Physical need took him over during the act itself, but he laid all the affection he was worth upon the other man after cleaning up. “How're you doing?”

“Better, now. It hit me like a bus.”

“Mm.” Toki surmised as much. Precum caught between his fingers and pooled on his stomach, thanks to any contact with Skwisgaar's cock during. “I'm gonna be selfish for a moment and say I'm glad you wanted to. There's really nothing else like fucking you.”

“I hope my drive will get better. I didn't want to put you through a dry spell.”

“Don't apologize. Your well-being comes before sex, every time.”

“I'm grateful that's true. Even more, that you could prove it.”

“Even _you've_ managed that.”

“Well. . .I was still getting laid at the time, though.”

“So? We agreed that was okay. It's _still_ okay.” Toki kissed his forehead. “For whenever you see someone you like.”

“Hm, maybe. We'll see how it goes.” 


	119. Alter Course

“Well? Are you ready?”

They'd stood out on the sidewalk for the last ten minutes, waiting for nine o'clock to roll around so that Skwisgaar could obtain his keys from the supers. Toki's suggestion that the older couple wouldn't mind their unit being buzzed early went swept aside. The other man's slightly furrowed brow required explanation.

“Now that I'm here. . .” Skwisgaar began. “What if I was too rash, booting that other lady out? Was I running on emotion when I decided that I needed to come _here_ , of all places? This is where I've always come when things got really tough, but I'm not a kid anymore. My mormor isn't here, and I need _her_ more than her home.”

Toki rubbed his back. “Maybe you'll feel differently when you go inside.”

It didn't seem that way, though; the man that answered at the supers' door led them up two flights of stairs and showed them around the apartment. Like Skwisgaar assumed, new flooring had been laid down, the walls had been repainted a little further off-white, new appliances were installed in the kitchen, and even the bathroom had been overhauled. Skwisgaar's eyes darted as Bjorklund prattled on about what had changed in the last twenty or so years.

“Anyway, I'll leave you to get acquainted with it. I'm sure you've pretty much forgotten about the little problems here and there that sprung up while Ida was resident. Here's the key.”

Skwisgaar grasped it forlornly, jaw and lips working as he and Toki were left alone in the living room. With Bjorklund tromping down the stairs, Toki was free to touch Skwisgaar's arm. “How do you feel now?”

“It's smaller than I remember.”

“You're used to bigger homes, sure.”

“It's so empty.”

“We're going to go shopping.” As much as Toki dreaded stepping into IKEA, it was probably inevitable.

“Ja. . .”

Toki could only go as far as reminding Skwisgaar of how the situation could be turned around. He couldn't force the man to be happy here, if indeed that wasn't meant to happen. Judging by the disappointment etching lines into his face, every plan for the immediate future Skwisgaar possessed had just melted away.

On that note, Toki couldn't leave Skwisgaar alone in Göteborg, or even Sweden. He had a feeling this might happen, but he needed to know as much as the other man if the chance for happiness and healing existed here. “I guess that settles it, then. You're coming to Norway with me.”

“I can't ask you to—”

“Tough shit. I'm offering it.” Toki hooked their fingers, smiling. “Admit it, we weren't going to last with five-hundred kilometres between us. I already kind of thought, if you wanted to come, I'd just get the klokateers to move all my stuff into the new house.”

“I don't want to impose on you and your mom.”

“You're not.” Although, Toki didn't know that yet. Undoubtedly, his mother would _not_ be impressed if he just showed up with Skwisgaar, especially following their last conversation. Toki could only roll his eyes toward it, though. If he wanted to bring the man he loved to _his_ house, then he damn well would. “So, if you don't want anything to do with this place, and we've already checked out of Upper House, then what else is left for us to do here?”

Skwisgaar studied Toki, rather than answer. “You're sure about this? I mean. . .you're right. I was really dreading when you'd eventually leave. I thought you were going to finish building your house, though? How're we going to live there when it's not done?”

“I had to have most of the structure finished before winter hit. The walls are up, roof is built, and insulation, plumbing, and electricity are all in. Only the inside needs attention. Interior walls need to be finished, the flooring has to be put down. . .that sort of thing.” Toki smiled. “Just admit it, you want to come. It's not going to be a problem, I promise.”

“I don't want to just hang out at your place, though.”

“So then help. It's going to be _our_ place anyway because I'll never be able to think about it any other way.”

Skwisgaar still hesitated. “You're sure?”

“Mhm. Don't make me drag you.”

That brought out a hazardous smile, although as their entourage of confused klokateers lugged their bags to Nils Ericson Central, Toki sensed growing excitement in the other man. This should've resulted from stepping into his grandmother's place, but Toki knew from experience that setting could only ease an aching soul so much. It was his mother, not his childhood home, that he himself retreated to last summer. Skwisgaar would do no good on his own, when obsessive thoughts circulated and bogged his mind through boredom.

“You want this, right?” Toki asked as they stood in line to buy a ticket. “I'm not actually dragging you?”

“I'd never invite myself,” Skwisgaar settled to say.

“Hey.” He earned a nudge. “Stop talking like you're a burden or an imposition. You're neither, so say it to me straight. You should know me better than to believe I'd ever let you go back to vague answers.”

“Then ja, of course I want to live with you. I'm just not sure about—I mean, you haven't even talked to your mom.”

Toki shrugged. “It's my house, and I'm thirty-two years old. If I want my boyfriend to live with me, that's my choice. She'll only be our neighbour, and it's not like my place is _right_ next to hers.”

“I'm not going to lie, I'm a little scared of her.”

“Elskling.” If Toki could kiss him here, he would. A soft gaze to match his smile had to suffice, for the time being. “You have nothing to be afraid of. Are you scared she won't like you?”

“She knows about us, doesn't she?” Skwisgaar crossed his arms over his stomach when Toki nodded. “I've never really met her, unless you count being in the same room together. And now I'm coming to live with her son after I killed my own mom, and—this just sounds like a recipe for disaster.”

“We're all adults, Skwisgaar. You don't have to earn my mother's approval, and we aren't going to be living under her roof. Don't worry so much about it, all right?”

The way Toki saw it, that should be _his_ concern, instead. He didn't want to force his mother to play nice though, should her lips form a thin line regarding her newest neighbour. Skwisgaar would probably notice right away, if she took on a false demeanour. For that, Toki's excitement for returning to his safe haven after a three-week long roller coaster in Sweden turned slightly toward anxiety. Vibrations from his pocket as the train they boarded passed through Agnesberg startled him.

His mother's face, illuminated in light from the fireplace and bearing a placid smile when Toki snapped the picture, made him nervous as he excused himself for the next car. Whatever came of this conversation, Skwisgaar preferably wouldn't overhear.

Since the call went to voicemail before Toki could answer, he paced about while waiting for her to pick up on his return. “Hei.”

“Hei. . .do you mind telling me what's going on? The klokateers started disassembling your room, saying that you're moving.”

“To the new house, ja. I figured, um. . .” But if Toki was going to come up with a lie, he should've already done so. Actually, if he wanted this situation to at all succeed, he needed to start telling the truth on both sides. “I can't leave Skwisgaar alone in Göteborg with nowhere to go and no one but the klokateers to be around, so we're better off making due up there. I know you have complicated feelings toward him, but I'll be happy to speak with you about it face to face later.”

“Where are you?”

“On the train. We're not going to get there until later in the evening, but I'll get one of the klokateers to meet us at the station.”

“If it's still light out, I'll come pick you up.”

“I don't think it will be. It's probably going to take us all day to get there,” Toki hedged. “Why would you offer that, anyway? I thought you'd be mad.”

“I'm still unsure, because you're so defensive about him. I have no idea what his mental state is and, quite frankly, I don't know him at all beyond his reputation. If everything you told me about him while he was in custody is false, then. . .I'm not sure where to start.”

“He's not in a good place, right now. In a way, I almost wish he'd stayed in Sollentuna, because I think he was getting decent help there.” Toki glanced back in the direction he'd come from, to make sure that Skwisgaar didn't follow. “He's struggling with a lot of guilt. I can't talk much about it here, but whatever reservations you have because of this whole thing with his mom. . .I struggled with that too. I think he's more hurt over what happened than anyone else involved with the situation. He loved his mom. This wasn't an act of cruelty.”

“Self-defence, though?”

“It's true.”

“I don't understand how that's possible. She wasn't young or strong. Not stronger than a man in his mid-thirties, anyway.”

Toki halted himself before he could speak any further upon it. Hopefully she didn't push the subject enough for him to even have to consider hinting toward the truth. It took a tremendous amount of trust for Skwisgaar to confide in him, and Toki wouldn't undermine that by whispering it in the ear of the next person he came in contact with. “Mor, I need to ask that you don't bring it up with him. I know Serveta was your friend, but Skwisgaar's my boyfriend and he's trying to avoid being prodded. He's got so much on his plate right now, with us breaking off with Crystal Mountain and not really knowing where in the world he belongs. The place he was going to stay in Göteborg used to belong to his grandmother, and he lived there when things were rough with his mom. He doesn't have that anymore, and I think he was banking on it. All the place seemed to be was a reminder that that part of the world moved on without him and his safe places are one by one disappearing, just like the people that he loves.”

“Are you doing this just because he doesn't have anyone else? Do you feel obligated?”

“I love him. I always have and I always will. I'm just lucky that he handles that with caution, and loves me in return. This is maybe reaching, but I hope you take some time to get to know him. It's really easy to write him off as a murderer, felon, or what have you, but he's still very much a person. Ja, he's had his struggles. He's had some really tough ones, things that I'm so blessed to have never faced in my lifetime. I've never met anyone stronger than him, for managing to survive it all.”

“It'll be easier to digest all of this when you get here. I'm a little uncertain, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt since I hope for your sake that all what you've said is true. I don't want you to be disappointed or hurt. You're sure he's stable, right?”

“He won't hurt anyone. It's really not in him,” Toki assured her. “I don't think he would've been found not-guilty if the court thought he might.”

“I hope not. I still slightly suspect that it might just be who he is, that got him out.”

“It very well might be, but I'm not going to let that bring a stop to his healing process. He deserves to be happy, and I'll help him toward that as much as I can.”

That was about the best Toki could hope for, when it came to his mother's stance on Skwisgaar. He nearly expected that she'd beg him not to bring Skwisgaar to her home, assert that he would never be welcome, and that if Toki wished to shack up with not only a man but a sinner to such degree, then his things would be sent to whatever forwarding address he provided. Exhaling in relief when Skwisgaar's wool cap came back into view, he nearly leaned over to kiss the man upon resuming his seat. Just because his mother seemed all right with this though, that didn't grant them liberty toward public displays of affection.

“Mom?” Skwisgaar asked. “Everything okay?”

“Ja, she was just wondering why the klokateers were moving my things.”

“You didn't bother talking to her about it all first?”

“Nah, it's my stuff and I'll do with it as I please.”

Skwisgaar studied Toki with pursed lips. “You know, I wish you wouldn't play off like shes a hundred percent okay with this. I don't want you denying the possibility that her and I might clash horns somehow, or that she might dislike me on principle. You don't have to protect me from the truth. In fact, you owe it to me.”

“I. . .” Toki's smile faded. “I _do_ feel like I need to protect you though, because you've been through enough in the last little while.”

“I'm a grown man. I can face the consequences of my actions just fine, if I have to. I'm already prepared for your mother not to like me, because of what I've done. How can I blame her, when _I_ don't like me for it? It doesn't mean we're not capable of being civil. So long as she doesn't consider me an intruder, I'll treat her with the respect her hospitality and tolerance deserves.”

“It's not as bad as I expected,” Toki admitted after a moment of hesitation. “She's a little uncertain, but I don't think she has it in her to do anything other than try to help you feel at home. I had a little of my own mess to clean up with her too, which is why I stepped off. She didn't understand last week, how I jumped back into this so quickly after everything I'd done to try and get over you.”

It was probably best not to mention the things he'd said, or that Toki said anything at all; it wouldn't take long in Skwisgaar's presence for his mother to differentiate between the truth and statements originating from hurt.

“That's fine, then.” Skwisgaar leaned his head back in his seat and closed his eyes. “So long as I know where I stand with her, I'll know how to behave and what to expect. Seriously though, do us both a favour and only give it to me straight. I don't want you lying about stuff like that, because I don't want any reason to doubt the things you say about how _we_ are.”

“Why would I lie about that, though?”

“The same reason you'd lie about what your mom thinks: to protect my feelings. Speaking of which, I hope you'll tell me if I get too clingy or pathetic at any point.”

“I don't think it's pathetic to need reassurance. We all do, sometimes.” 


	120. Lillehammer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illustrated.

A lift in Skwisgaar's mood following his nap proved to Toki that his shoulders weighed down cyclically. Skwisgaar didn't seem hampered by the last year's low points at the moment, instead sitting up straight with a slight smile while sipping a fresh coffee. He peered more lengthily out of the window—curious—as they travelled far enough north to leave vicinity of the Kattegat and Skagerrak straits. They couldn't see them, in-land as the track lay, but Toki felt closer to home. He missed seeing Avskåkån out his window when he woke up in the morning, even if it currently froze over.

Their first stop on the Norwegian side of the border was Halden. There, the language switched over in surrounding conversation as well as in the station's announcements. Having grown used to Swedish's simpler composition, it threw Toki off the first few times he caught the conjunctive words Skwisgaar had expressed such disdain for. While they waited for the train that would take them next to Oslo, Toki sat across from Skwisgaar so that he could watch his brow twitch and lips purse as he parsed the minute changes in culture.

“You'll get used to hearing it.”

“Eh. . .I'd almost rather go back to English.”

“Of course you would. Just give it a chance.”

“I'm not that smart with words and language,” Skwisgaar stated. “This isn't as easy for me as it is for you.”

“I don't consider myself all that great with language either. In case you never noticed, I don't speak flawless English.”

Toki took the next leg of their trip as opportunity to nap, yawning throughout their Oslo stop and the last couple hours that would take them to Lillehammer. The restless bounce in Skwisgaar's heel increased in speed, the closer they got. By their arrival, the sun had far receded over the western horizon; Toki sincerely hoped that when his bed was moved, that meant he'd find it made. And someone had started a fire in the new house's wood stove, right? To make sure, he had Raùl call ahead.

While he glanced around Lillehammer's station searching for another plainclothes klokateer that he'd recognize, Skwisgaar nudged him. “That's your mom over there, isn't it?”

Indeed it was; dressed in layers of wool to combat the cool air that followed in from outside, she waved and started her way over. Despite the tensions that currently existed between them, Toki greeted her with a quick hug. Then, as much as he willed to skip the awkwardness sure to ensue amongst the three of them, he couldn't let it extend beyond the station as his mother and Skwisgaar eyed each other.

“Mor, you know Skwisgaar.”

“Mhm.”

She extended a hand with a warm smile. Toki feared what she might say, for nothing people normally stated upon first greeting seemed appropriate. Sure, she'd heard plenty about him, but little if any of it was good. Skwisgaar learning that his reputation preceded him would only make him incredibly nervous. The two of them had already crossed paths in the past, so they didn't only just meet.

“Call me Anja,” she settled with, when Skwisgaar addressed her with uneasy formality. “Did you boys have dinner on the train? I cooked just in case, but we can always eat it tomorrow night if you're weary from travel.”

“I could be hungry. What about you?”

“Oh. . .” Skwisgaar eyed Anja warily again when he was nudged, uncertain. “If you're offering.”

“Of course I am. No sense anyone going hungry.” She laid a gloved hand on Skwisgaar's elbow. “This is touch-and-go since you've lived with the klokateers for so long, but how are you with cooking, anyway? I had to start from scratch again with Toki. You'll notice that I can't quite get the smell of burning plastic out of my kitchen.”

“Thanks for that.” Toki didn't mind getting thrown under the bus as much if it managed to make Skwisgaar smile. “My bread still comes out like a rock, though.”

“That's because you're too impatient on letting it rise. My point in asking though, Skwisgaar, is how you fare without help from the klokateers. The ones that camp out around our property aren't cooks, I'm afraid. I'll respect if you two prefer to keep your household duties to yourself, but as someone that's lived in a community her entire life, it's in my blood to pitch in wherever necessary.”

“I'm not the greatest,” Skwisgaar admitted. “I can follow a recipe, but I'm not very imaginative with food.”

“Given who you are, I'm disinclined to believe you're lacking of imagination. Although, I acknowledge that there are different kinds, for different things. It doesn't need to be decided right now anyway, since you'll need time to get settled in and adjusted. How did you divide labour, with your mother?”

Toki's insides flushed cold at Serveta's mention, for he wasn't sure how Skwisgaar would handle it. Before he could feed Anja a stink-eye, the tallest among them already dove into his response without so much as a bat of his eyelashes. “Well, mom used to handle our well-being, while I'd take care of the house. We mostly cleaned up after ourselves, but she took on stuff like dust. I did any repairs that she needed done whenever I lived at home, firewood. . .those sorts of things. . .”

While reminding himself that Skwisgaar wished against a buffer between him and the world at large, Toki braced for what stepping outside would bring upon them, weather-wise. He'd felt the increasing seep of cold through the train window as they headed north from Oslo, but it stiffened his muscles by pure shock when the station's heat died at his back. Frigid air rushed down his windpipe like smoke from a menthol cigarette, forcing him to cough on reflex. He envied his mother not only for her layers, but for the scarf she wrapped around her face.

“It's supposed to get even colder, this next week.” Wool muffled her voice. “Below minus forty, I've heard. I already stocked up on groceries, and the klokateers were kind enough to do the firewood. In case you're wondering, I've had a fire going in the new place since shortly after learning you were coming home. It's quite cozy in there, once the heat hits all the walls.”

Judging by her car's dashboard, the temperature already situated below the record low for Lillehammer. “The pipes aren't frozen, are they?”

“I think the heat tape works really well. I haven't had a single issue so far. The vehicles on the other hand. . .” Anja had left hers running in the parking lot, of which Toki was extremely grateful. Beside him in the back seat, a shivering Skwisgaar blew on frozen fingers. “I plugged your truck in after it dropped below minus-twenty, and it turned over when I tried it this morning. It doesn't sound very good, though.”

It didn't take long for Toki to shed his jacket, since the heaters had blown full blast while his mother waited for them. His toes felt like numb icicles inside his shoes, and his fingers were no different. Trying to share whatever heat they possessed, Toki clasped Skwisgaar's counterparts in the dark between them. He couldn't wait, after the long day of remaining forcibly separated, to curl up together in his warm bed. At least touch was a possibility again; that as well as view of the sky beyond Lillehammer's light pollution lifted Toki's spirits. One thing to be said for stiff air was the lack of clouds that came with it, as well as magnification of the stars. If the klokateers set his bed where it should be, he and Skwisgaar would have prime view of them later.

First though, Anja drove them past the driveway that diverged down to where Toki now considered home. Not much changed externally at her house, but the inside was slightly less cluttered. It more resembled what he arrived to in August. No doubt, if he took a trip upstairs, his bedroom door would sit closed without even the bare essentials behind it.

“Make yourselves comfy, while I warm up the food.”

“You've never been here before, have you?” Toki asked Skwisgaar as they shrugged their coats off in the foyer. Skwisgaar's explorative gaze confirmed it without need of the vocalization that followed. The only time Toki could recall Skwisgaar coming here was the eve of his father's death. Neither he or the others bothered to cross the threshold, though. “Come on, I'll give you a tour.”

There wasn't much to see; aside from a large kitchen and main living space, everything else was pretty cramped. Toki's old room didn't differ, especially since half of the area dedicated to the bathroom had been taken out of it. However, he had an ulterior reason to get Skwisgaar alone. Upstairs, under auditory mask of the television and various noises from the kitchen, Toki groaned into a kiss. “I can't wait to get you home.”

“Me neither. I need a hot bath to get some heat back into my bones.”

“Wait until after.”

“After what?”

“You don't pull off coy very well, you know that?” Toki chuckled at the small smile Skwisgaar attempted to suppress. “I'm going to do what I've wanted to do all day: bend you over the bed and take a handful of hair.”

“Sounds promising.”

At the very least, dinner didn't take much to get through. Sympathetic toward their probable wish to settle in at the new place and catch some sleep, Anja didn't hold them for conversation once their plates were cleared. Instead, she saw them out the door with leftovers and the keys for her car in order to spare them the shoreline trail. The vehicle's interior cooled since then, although the engine at least didn't need to warm up before they headed on their way.

At this point, like with anything Toki made that would eventually reach Skwisgaar's judgment, he grew nervous. Skwisgaar couldn't say anything bad about the house, having never built any such thing all on his own, but Toki still chewed on his bottom lip. “Um. . .like I said in Göteborg, the place isn't finished yet. If you see something through fresh eyes that's off or needs changed, just say so.”

“Do you think I'm not going to like it?”

“It's just hardly news that you're critical.”

“Why would I say anything against it? I'm grateful that you've invited me into your home like this, and I'd rather not take the chance that you'd make me sleep outside.”

Toki laughed, for he might've been tempted a year ago.

“Seriously, though. I know I'm bad about music, but I'm not an architecture snob. Don't worry so much.”

Toki still did as the stoop's light illuminated the section of driveway he came to a stop in, although that waned when a fresh sigh of relief left Skwisgaar's lungs thanks to a blast of heat inside. It was obvious, now that Toki looked at his hard work objectively, that he subconsciously mirrored the layout of his childhood home. He and Skwisgaar left their coats in a foyer of similar size. “If the concrete's too cold for your feet, go ahead and leave your shoes on. It'll be covered up by wood flooring, eventually.”

It didn't bother Toki too badly, since he wore thick socks. Skwisgaar seemed to reconsider having left his footwear behind, although that waned as they passed behind the wood stove that separated the kitchen from the hallway they traversed. As they walked, Toki indicated the two smaller rooms on the hall's right side. “This one's a bathroom, obviously, pantry-slash-laundry. . .”

Pointing out unfinished steps to the second floor brought them into the open dining and living area, sectioned off from the kitchen by an also-incomplete bar. Carrying on straight led them past a nook intended for a television one day, then briefly into the master bed and bathroom. Back out where Toki planned to one day separate the dining and sitting area with strategically placed furniture, he pulled Skwisgaar's attention upward to the second floor they couldn't yet reach without a ladder. “That'll be another bathroom there, and _that_ side of the landing should be big enough for storage, or maybe a desk. The two doors on either end lead to bedrooms, originally one for me and then a guest suite.”

“Maybe for your kids now, someday,” Skwisgaar stated with a smile and bright eyes as he looked around. “I had no idea you could actually do something like this. Model airplanes and stuff, sure, but never a project this big. I'm impressed.”

Heat crept into Toki's cheeks, sending his insides into wonderful tumultuousness. “Thanks.”

In need of a quick breather to gather himself from Skwisgaar's praise, Toki dipped into the kitchen in order to place their food in the temporary bar fridge. Skwisgaar continued to explore, first cupping out the interior light against the largest picture window so that he could see the lake, mountains beyond, and the brilliant sky above. His fingers skimmed the lever-style door handle—through which would lead him to the terrace—when Toki rejoined his side.

“What did you leave off on, when you headed for Stockholm?” Skwisgaar asked. “Where do we pick up?”

“I was working on the upstairs landing, but I think we should concentrate on making the main floor liveable first.” Toki couldn't and wouldn't deny it felt nice to call the shots on a project he and Skwisgaar now collaborated on. “Once it warms up a bit outside, we'll go into Lillehammer and scope out what kind of flooring to lay down. Then, we can get some furniture in here and concentrate on the kitchen.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Toki fended off a scoff as Skwisgaar purported through tone that he himself already concluded that as the next logical step, despite inquiring. Rather than say anything about it, Toki slipped their fingers together. Something fundamental shifted with his presence here, much like how thick walls held most of the wood stove's output against the frigid night that surrounded them. Toki started this house intent upon providing a sanctuary, to gift himself freedom from Skwisgaar's poisoning hand. After everything that happened during his absence, he couldn't be happier to have teamed up again with this man in order to realize their dreams from happier days long past. It hit Toki hard, after the dread that sometimes incited anxiety, that returning to Dethklok and its corresponding fame was now a choice. They had no contract to fulfill—no obligations to anyone but themselves. That in itself made the band lose its burden status, in Toki's mind.

“If it's going to be this far below zero, in the meantime. . .” Toki started as he turned to face Skwisgaar, “then there's not going to be much to do except stay warm and rest up from all the travelling we've done.”

“There's something else we can do, although it probably falls under at least one of those categories.”

“Fucking?”

“Ja.”

Contrasting his earlier mood as to how exactly that would go, Toki gently pushed Skwisgaar's hair away from his face when he leaned down. An equally chilled body took away the heat Toki tried so hard to accumulate, but quickly-growing eagerness deemed that irrelevant. They had so much time to do whatever they wished, and yet desperation wouldn't be thwarted so easily. Rather than pull the other man along to the bedroom, Toki hoped that tipped toes, pressing bodies, and arms around Skwisgaar's neck would indicate succinctly enough what he sought. The mere _thought_ of Skwisgaar inside him fluttered his lower stomach in anticipation and flooded blood to his core. If he wasn't so comfortable with Skwisgaar, Toki would've felt embarrassed for the noise he made from being palmed through his jeans.

Needing this as quickly as Skwisgaar could give it to him, Toki sacrificed proximity inside the bedroom in favour of undressing. He'd noticed while giving Skwisgaar a tour of the place that the bed was positioned against the wrong wall, but that could damn well wait until morning to fix. “There's lube in the top drawer.”

A moan of embarrassment quickly followed, thanks to paranoia. “Fuck, I hope my mom didn't help move that.”

“Why—? Oh. . .” Peering inside to retrieve the bottle gave Skwisgaar a glimpse of the few toys Toki snuck into his mother's house. “I think she would've been more awkward earlier, if she found them.”

“I hope you're right.”

Deciding not to worry about that, combination of blankets and a second body reduced Toki's tremble. The pace Skwisgaar teased him with worsened his impatience and resulted in stubby fingers fumbling their way through unzipping Skwisgaar's fly.

With a chuckle, Skwisgaar attached his mouth to Toki's neck. “I can always tell when you want me to fuck you. You can never get it quickly enough.”

Toki shook his head as confirmation. “You have this thing going for you, where I start thinking about how good you are at it, and then I get really excited because I know I'm going to get that all over again.”

Skwisgaar didn't disappoint; Toki's knees and elbows took the brunt of their combined weights, his mouth gaped and expression lost as thicker, softer hair pooled on his back and spilled over his shoulders. Every nibble, kiss, and touch of breath sent a shiver down his spine. Only afterward did he wonder if maybe he made too much noise when stroked off at the rhythm their hips set. It didn't seem to bother Skwisgaar, nor inhibit him toward getting off.

Mirroring the activity, Toki's back pressed against a warm, sweaty torso. Fingers in his hair made it difficult to keep his eyes open. “Hey.”

“Ja?”

“I'm really happy you're here.” On nights that Toki's imagination got away from him, he pictured himself lying in bed with a woman he loved, who was possibly heavy with child. As nice the vision, it always necessitated slight force. . .not that Toki _didn't_ like the idea of one day having a wife and offspring. However, his go-to in longing—the first face that popped into his mind when he pictured an ideal setting—currently nuzzled his neck. If Toki was eventually destined to settle down with a member of the opposite sex, it needed to come after this. It needed to embellish an already satisfying life, not attempt to bandage a broken heart. “Can I just ask for something?”

“Go ahead.”

“There's a big possibility this'll happen. . .” By that, Toki meant he possessed full certainty. “If the day comes when you want to go back to Mordhaus, if you're ready to get back on track with Dethklok, I want you to tell me. I don't want you to stay here because you think it'll hurt my feelings. Even if we're about to put all this work into finishing this place, it's okay. If it's not meant to be our home, it'll make one hell of a getaway when we need it.”

“Does that mean you'll come back to Mordhaus, when I'm ready?”

“If I couldn't stand the idea of you in Göteborg, I'll go crazy when you're on the other side of the Atlantic.”

“You wouldn't be pushing yourself into it?”

“To be honest. . .” Toki rolled onto his back; how utterly divine Skwisgaar looked in starlight halted him for a moment, in order to fully appreciate it. A smile followed. “I think with the way things are now with all of us, I could go back tomorrow if I had to. It really helps that we don't have Damien breathing down our necks. Still, I want this. I'd like to build something with you, and I'd like some time to come down from what a clusterfuck this last year was. I want us to have a chance to be together where there's significantly less stress. I think we deserve that.”

“We do.” Skwisgaar's gaze flickered toward where Toki brushed blond hair off a silvery blue shoulder. “And if _I'm_ honest, I'm not ready to go back yet. I need some time to get my shit straightened out.”

“Then that's all fine.” Toki leaned up for a kiss. “We at least have until the end of the year. That's pretty far off.”

“More than long enough.” 


	121. Epilogue

“Okay, you've held her long enough. Give her back.”

“No, I will nots.”

Nathan glowered rather than make a grab, resulting in a sigh and relinquishment on Toki's part. Although he and Skwisgaar arrived on enough notice in October to be present for Lydia's birth, tying up loose ends in Norway meant they didn't see much of their niece until Christmas. Skype and picture spam from both new parents could only tide Toki over so much. Back at Mordhaus—specifically Nathan's room—the mass of black hair Lydia entered the world with tickled the underside of his chin whenever he nuzzled her, and nothing could ever emulate her soft skin and new smell.

Big green eyes goggled at him when Lydia situated in Nathan's arms; there, she magically halved, in size. For how comfortable Nathan seemed now as a father, it definitely hadn't always been that way. Toki still remembered the frantic tone he woke up to one night the previous February, when Abigail finally broke the news to him.

“Nathans. _Nathans._ ” Toki had tried to make him shut up as quietly as he could, so as not to wake Skwisgaar beside him. “I wants you to listens to me for a quick seconds.”

A deep exhale hit the mouthpiece. “Okay.”

“You gots this. You's gonna do fine.” Toki rubbed his eyes through a yawn. “I'll calls later when is lights out so we can talks more about it, but I's gonna hang up now and goes back to sleep. Bye.”

Thanks to maternity leave, Abigail had delivered in Mordhaus' hospital wing and poised to stick around for another six weeks yet. Normally that meant Toki would have healthy portions of the day to dedicate to babysitting and general play, but although the band hadn't penned their signatures across a fresh contract with Crystal Mountain, there was plenty of talk about a tour to boost them back onto the world's radar. However unnecessary for the hype their general return would cause on its own, occupying the stage before the studio would allow them to hit the ground running.

Abigail approached Nathan. “Here; 6192 is ready to take her for the evening.”

“Why can't she stay?”

“She can't sit in the hot tub with us.”

“I know, but—”

“We promised,” she referred to a New Years Eve spent child-free and with their friends instead. “Go on ahead. I'll feed her, and then Toki and I'll catch up.”

Thinking aloud about tracking down Pickles, Nathan obeyed. Toki couldn't help running his finger down Lydia's little nose, grinning in kind when she smiled and twitched her limbs. “Please tell me she'll be growings up here. You're nots going back to California when you needs to work again, ares you?”

“I've been talking to Damien about it, but I'm not sure. He seemed okay about putting me in the New York-Boston-Mordland area, but I'm not sure if that means I'll be moving into Mordhaus or not.”

“Why wouldn'ts you?” Toki pressed. No doubt, his tone probably mirrored Nathan's whenever the topic came up. “Whats is the points of comings to this side of the country and nots moving all the way in?”

“This is Dethklok's home.”

“So? You's Nathan's fiancée, and you haves a baby together.”

“I'm far from the first woman to have one of the band members' kids.” Abigail nudged Toki with a wink, bringing about a guilty smile in regards to Skwisgaar.

“True, but he never wanteds anything to does with any of them. You's different. Besides, you's also one of my best friends and I wants you to live here so thats Toki can takes care of Lydia when you haves to work.” A tiny hand wrapped around his finger. “Face it, that's the best case scenarios. Isn'ts like I'll haves much to do untils the band need me in the studio, and wouldn'ts you rather haves family takes care of her instead of a klokateer? Evens if her babysitter graduateds with highest honours in a doctorates program from Takings Care of Kids University, I bet she woulds prefer her uncle.”

“Have you and Nathan been pooling your ideas together, or what?” Toki respectfully averted his gaze as Abigail brushed her hair back over her shoulder in preparation for Lydia to eat. “That's not far off the mark of what _he's_ been saying.”

“It isn'ts?”

“'Let Toki, the little goofball would love to'.”

Endorsement from the father puffed Toki's chest out. “So makes it easy on everyones! Makes perfect sense that you comes here. Is mores than bigs enough. I haven'ts ever heard Lydia cry in the nights, and I's pretty sure Pickle, Moidaface, and Skwisgaar woulds has said something by now, if _they_ dids.”

“You and Skwisgaar both sleep in his room, don't you?”

“Ja, but he's a lighter sleeper than me, latelies.”

“Where is he, anyways?”

“Probablies downstairs.” Coming back to Mordhaus meant easier accessibility to sluts; while Skwisgaar discovered a pool of willing women in Lillehammer once his interest returned, he'd taken for granted how easy hooking up was when he didn't have to drive ten kilometres into town or schedule around others' work loads or dialysis schedules.

“He's coming to pal around with all of us in the hot tub, though?” Abigail asked. “I've hardly even seen him since you two got back.”

“He'll be theres,” Toki confirmed. “To be honest, I haven'ts really seen him eithers. Is kinds of nice to does our own thing for a while. Whens we finished the upstairs backs in Lillehammer we each hads a room where we dids whatever, but I's happy for him, that he gettings laid outside of me easier.”

“And what about you? You mentioned seeing Anders one more time, before you left?”

Despite how graphically Toki went into detail about the two times he saw Anders before Abigail gave birth, he still blushed at the man's mention. “Mades a trip to Stockholm, ja. I don'ts know when we'll gets to hook up again. . .”

“How did it go?”

“I really likes him. Sometimes I wished we liveds closer together.”

“Why only sometimes?”

“I thinks that maintainings two boyfriends at once woulds be a little complicated, and I'm sure we woulds be that, if we hads the opportunity.” On the nights Toki spent in a Lillehammer hotel with Anders, he found their conversations just as good as the sex. Although Anders profusely apologized following their September visit, Toki didn't mind listening as the man vented his fears regarding a vindictive ex-wife and a teenage son that wouldn't speak to him. “Skwisgaar's goods about him, but they'ves never met. Anders doesn'ts know I have a boyfriend. Sometimes I thinks I just won't bother, since has gones on this long already, but I think he woulds feel like I was lyings to him if we gots publicly outed.”

“Honestly, I think if you and Skwisgaar could keep it quiet when you lived together in Lillehammer, you can do it here without a problem.” Like Toki and Skwisgaar's relationship, Mordhaus' impenetrable walls also disallowed the knowledge that Nathan and Abigail had become parents to spread. “Do you ever intend to come out about it? I mean, obviously Nathan and I are going to have to deal with the public eventually. . .”

“I woulds rather we didn'ts. Is nice, nots to get asked about it all the times. Is goings to be bads enough when Dethklok gets back up and runnings, for peoples paying attention to us.”

“True.” Abigail smoothed her thumb over Lydia's round cheek when she detached. “I think this little one's done or close to, so I'll see you in a bit? I should probably pump before I try getting too far away. As Rose puts it, she's got Nathan's appetite.”

“I cans burp her for you first, if you like.”

While Abigail cleaned herself up, Toki moved his hair all over one shoulder before setting the small blanket on himself. He'd sullenly washed spew-up out of it one too many times already, with Skwisgaar laughing as he watched from his leaned position against the bathroom door frame.

At first when Toki took to helping Abigail out with the baby, she retained some shyness regarding what Toki saw, hesitating for him to be present during feeding but now uncaring if he glimpsed what was normally reserved for Nathan, Lydia, and the doctor. Gently patting Lydia's back, Toki casually watched as Abigail tucked herself back into her shirt. “You can'ts drink yet, huh?”

“Not until I'm finished breast-feeding, no.”

“You won'ts be alone, at least. Can't promise Skwis and I won'ts have a couples each, but. . .”

“Thanks, but you don't have to worry about me, sweetie. I can handle the peer pressure.”

Toki left Abigail and Lydia, feeling as if the remaining hours until they rung in the new year slipped away between his fingers. The irrational anxiety that he'd spend that crucial moment alone despite having crossed paths with all of Mordhaus' residents at one point or another throughout the day quickened his step in search for Skwisgaar. Knowledge as to how the man's mind worked sent him first to the bedroom they basically shared, rewarding his insight with pants and a shirt strewn haphazardly across the floor, and humidity indicating that the shower already ran.

A rap of the knuckles against the bathroom door announced Toki's presence before he pushed the door open. With a towel about his waist and wet, tangled hair forming a mass down Skwisgaar's back, the man leaned forward and attempted to insert his contact lenses through a cleared area in the fogged mirror. “Hey.”

Toki pat his backside before carrying on to sit on the tub's edge, switching mentally from English to the language he and Skwisgaar shared while away. “How long're you going to take to get ready?”

“Not long. No point doing anything special, if we're just going to sit in the hot tub. I'm not even going to bother drying my hair.” Skwisgaar paused. “By the way, thanks for saying something. I wasn't sure it was you, until you did.”

Toki scoffed. “What does _that_ mean? Do people just barge in here and pinch your ass on a regular basis?”

“It's not unheard of.” A deep chuckle echoed off the walls. “I just didn't want to look up and poke myself in the eye. What's going on, with you?”

“Nothing, really.” Toki shrugged, aware Skwisgaar couldn't see it as his brow furrowed in concentration. “Nathans and Pickle are off somewhere, possibly already in the hot tub, and Abigail should be along shortly. She just needs to hand Lydia off to whoever's taking care of her for the evening.”

“Sounds good. Moidaface?”

“Haven't heard from him since this morning, when he updated me on his stomach bug.”

“Oh god.”

“I'll spare you the details, since he couldn't do the same for me.”

Skwisgaar's expression contorting with disgust marked the end of his chore. Wiping excess solution from his face, he then grabbed his brush and jerked his head in direction of the bedroom. “Let's get out of here. It feels like a Florida summer, oogh.”

Helpful mood lingering from visiting Abigail, Toki took the brush and basically forced Skwisgaar to sit before him on the bed. If he wasn't so used to multitudes of hair coming away following each shower, he might've been alarmed at how much he collected. “You know what I just realized?”

“Hm?”

“You haven't even held her, yet.”

Silence on Skwisgaar's part denoted either consideration or concession—Toki couldn't decide which on his own, quite yet. Most likely both. “Well, you know. . .babies are kind of fragile.”

“Very. That just means that you shouldn't drop them, or anything. Do you think you would?”

A nudge to jar Skwisgaar toward an answer resulted in a huff of breath. “Probably. I don't know, babies are scary.”

“After how many you've given ladies!”

“I never met any of them, though.”

“You need to start somewhere.” Toki wrinkled his nose as the ball of shed hair in his hand continued to grow; he wasn't even halfway finished, yet. “I can understand that your own might be scary, but I'm not sure you have much of a choice about being around Lydia. If Abigail listens to Nathan and I, and moves in, then she might be here for a long time. Depends if she hits eighteen before Dethklok is finished for good.”

“I know she's a different case.” Skwisgaar's tone developed its usual shortness that came with any discussion of children. “I don't want to hurt my friends' baby somehow because I don't know how to handle something like that, and besides, I'll get around to adjusting to her on my own time.”

“I'm not forcing you to do anything, elskling.” Pulling the heavy, blond strands aside for a moment, Toki kissed Skwisgaar's shoulder before burying his nose in the crook of a long, pale neck. His lover's fresh scent nearly compared to the baby he toted around earlier. “I'm just trying to figure out where you're coming from. I know you're not big on kids, and it's okay to admit that. Not everyone is, nor do they have to be. Not even if it's their friends that just had one.”

“Just. . .don't tell _them_ , then. I don't want to hurt their feelings. It's not that I don't like the baby, and I guess she's kinda cute. Babies just. . .I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I have no experience with them, maybe because having a general failure for a mother and no father made me see how easily you can fuck someone up, but it's put me off.”

“I'll argue that. If it were true, then wouldn't I be hesitant around kids, after how my father treated me?”

“Your mom's fine, though.”

“Still.” Toki resumed brushing. “It's okay to just not like kids. You don't have to have a reason, even if you do. I think most guys can't relate to them until they're old enough to play with, anyway.”

“The way Nathan totes her around makes me think someone just gave a five year old a kitten.”

A snort caused Toki to accidentally yank on Skwisgaar's hair. “Now that you say that. . .”

Skwisgaar relaxing allowed for Toki to quickly reach a point where he could run the brush through from root to tip without catching anything. “Your hair's finally starting to look healthy again.”

“Couple more trims, and the bleached parts will be gone.” At his dresser, Skwisgaar ditched his towel in favour for a swimsuit. “Let me throw it up and put some deodorant on, and I'll be good to go.”

Ten o'clock rounded as Toki too changed and collected towels for them. Just as he suspected, Pickles and Nathan beat them to the recreation room, each with a beer in hand, and Murderface looked a lot less pale than the last few days spent bedridden had left him.

Upon sight, Pickles' crooked grin widened and his drink raised into the air. “Heeey, get the fuck in here, we already started widdout you!”

“Of course you dids.” Skwisgaar waved him off. “I'ms good for now, anyway.”

“Damn, you two really suck at that, anymore,” Nathan commented. “Even _I'm_ allowed to get wasted tonight if I want to. What the hell's been up with you?”

“Too olds.”

Scoffs sounded about the hot tub as Toki and Skwisgaar slipped in beside.

“Thet's about the stupidest thing I ever heard.” Pickles continued to grin anyway. “Whetever. More for us. So long as you two ain't gonna crash the party.”

“Thoughts you were happies just to haves us here, and all dat lames crap you saids on Christmas.”

“Dood, you can't hold thet against me. I was drunk, high, trippin' balls. . .”

“No one's complaining, Pickle.” Toki reached past Nathan to amiably punch the man's arm. “Is nice you says those things. Makes it all the better to finally comes home.”

“You guysch aren't going to bail again, when schit getsch schtresschful, right?” Murderface shot at them.

Meeting Skwisgaar's gaze with equally calm energy, Toki fielded the answer with a shake of his head. “We's here because we wants to be. Honestly—at least for me—I's not actually made anymore for that kinds of a life. Is nice once in a while, but. . .I likes making music, and goofings off with you dildos. I missed you guys a lots.”

Squirming under such words, Murderface scratched at his shoulder. “Well. . .scho long asch we're all clear on that, I guess.”

“Besides, is excitings, isn't it?” Toki's eyes lit up. “I's looking forward to seeings what we comes up with, now. We haves a lot to does, to gets back on top. That's goings to make things excitings, again. Not much to does, when you haves nothing to work toward anymore.”

“I'm juscht not schure about this whole tour idea that Damien'sch cooked up.” Murderface's eyes narrowed. “Isch he juscht trying to booscht Freya'sch record schalesch by having them open for usch, or. . .?”

Crystal Mountain had picked them up in the early spring, inciting a brief panic that Damien attempted to replace Freya as Dethklok for his prime act. The fear since dissipated, especially after actually meeting the six women back in October, when all of Dethklok in one place deemed it possible with minimal travel.

“I don't really care what Damien's aiming for,” Nathan replied. “My only concern is Lavona. I mean. . .she literally tried to steal my dick, at one point. I don't care if she's calmed down since then. You never forget something like that.”

“I thinks they seem cool enoughs to work with for a while,” Toki piped up. “See, I _tolds_ you guys that nots all ladies is like what you thinks they are.”

“I'd be interested in hearing Diny front again,” Nathan referred to their current manager, “even if she thrashed her voice and it kills her to try. Makes her throat bleed, and shit. But it'd be like old Cannibal Corpse, the Chris Barnes days.”

“You gots to admit, that's brutal.”

Skwisgaar scoffed beside Toki. “You ams just exciteds to goes around the world wit' dem because you have such a bigs crush on Vikki.”

“I do nots!” Toki's face warming easily gave him away, though.

“Oh come ons, you beens flirtings wit' her on Facefriends and goings through her pictures. . .”

“Wait, that's Lady Pickles, right?” Nathan asked, quickly correcting himself since Ladyklok was a thing of the past and, besides similar appearance, Vikki actually bore no resemblance to her fellow percussionist. “Uhh. . .the redhead?”

“So whats if I looks at her pictures? She's so pretties, can'ts help that.” Toki nudged Skwisgaar. “You can'ts pretend you never noticed that.”

“She amn'ts my type.”

Four scoffs sounded about the hot tub.

“Nots your type,” Toki repeated in a deadpan tone. “Since when does you have any semblance of a types?”

“Since I was layings it on her really heavies and she tolds me dat she ams ace.”

“Scho it ischn't that sche ischn't your type, you juscht schtruck out.”

“I don'ts call dat a strikes out. If she amn't sexuallys attracteds unto me, den I haves no business makings her uncomsfable.”

“How do you know sche waschn't juscht lying?”

“Because I amn'ts a big sensitives baby like you, and coulds handle if she tolds me flat-out she just wasn'ts interested. I won'ts bring up Pharron, to saves your dignity.”

“Sche'sch tongue-deep in Divina. I can't help that sche'sch a leschbian.”

“Maybe she was just lyings to you,” Skwisgaar mocked. “Maybes you just strucks out.”

“Okay, cut it out, you two,” Nathan interjected before Murderface's recoil into offence could launch him and Skwisgaar into a full-scale argument. “One more word, and I'll remind you two that their bassist and lead guitarist are dating.”

“Oh, fucks off about dat.”

Toki finally experienced some closure about his awkwardness with Pharron, back when he took her on a couple dates. She merely needed the money that came with the escort position, but also dated Divina (Divino still, then). Even if she cared little about the gender of the person she dated, Toki couldn't do much if she was already taken. At least now, with that out between them, the awkward cloud that reemerged with their paths crossing floated away.

“Whats about Katrine?” he asked. “You two still seems to gets along.”

Toki hadn't put two-and-two together, until their meeting with Freya's members. It confused him initially how quickly she and Skwisgaar hit it off in rapid Swedish and similar dialect, but learning that Katrine Lundstöm originated from Kovland clicked for him.

“You gives me all this slacks abouts having a crush on Vikki, likes you's any better,” Toki carried on. “You two texts, don'ts you?”

“Ja,” Skwisgaar easily admitted. “She ams a goods woman, dat I woulds likes to puts you-know-what to agains, in de near-distance future.”

“So you kinda _do_ have a type, then,” Pickles stated for the sake of debate. “The only people you've ever dated have brown hair and blue eyes.”

“And play rhythm guitar,” Nathan added.

“For datings, anyway. I cans fuck anyone, but datings am differensk.”

“Ooh, are you thinkings about dating her?” Toki asked. Even armed with the knowledge of Vikki's orientation, he still considered asking her out. His approach for sure would need to change, if physicality and sexuality alienated her.

“We sees what happen. Woulds dat bother you?”

“Nah.” Toki couldn't say much anyway, with another guy on the side and his sights focused on a third person as well. “Does whatever makes you happy.”

As conversation steered elsewhere, Toki's fingertips grazed Skwisgaar's thigh. Their lax approach to attraction meant sometimes it slipped beneath Toki's radar that perhaps fluttering butterflies and constant daydreams hinted toward something bigger than aesthetic appreciation. Surely Skwisgaar had some questions to ask later, as Toki did in return, but for now a relaxed smile and loose shoulders to boot on the other man's part showed that it wasn't something they needed to immediately deal with. Being together for a year and a half, not to mention having dealt with such larger issues, boosted Toki's confidence that they'd simply breeze this away before finding sleep later on.

Considering how much everything changed since the night before Skwisgaar accidentally choked his lay, Toki debated the pros and cons of the roller coaster that followed. Sure, a lot of bad things wouldn't have happened, but all the good that resulted made it worth it, in a sense. Toki wouldn't trade anything in the world for his relationship with Skwisgaar. Knowing to his very core that he was never alone in whatever he faced made the world such a brilliant place. On top of that, a year spent in their vacation home and prospective visits in future gave him something to look forward to whenever stress steamrolled him over.

It elevated his mood to a near-impossible place when Abigail dropped into the hot tub between him and Nathan, doubly-so when revisiting a phone call he'd made earlier in the day. Charles gave him the news back in May that he'd finally tracked María to Austin, Texas, where she now lived in Rosa's care—Raùl's too, once Toki sent him that way to make double-sure that she got everything she needed for the rest of her life. She'd soaked up enough English now to tell him her New Years plans and thank him for the Christmas card he sent.

Combination of giddiness, Skwisgaar's hand rested constantly on his knee, and enough beers to gain a buzz had him nearly vibrating for the next opportunity he'd get to express some affection toward his lover. After the year he'd just had and favourable prospects for the future, he could almost cry to be so far away from the broken, miserable little animal he'd been before taking the plunge to Stockholm for Skwisgaar's trial. Thankfully, his chance to touch Skwisgaar more explicitly came sooner than later. He forgot, having never been in such position before, that starting the new year off with kissing a loved one was a long-standing tradition. Unfortunately for everyone else in the hot tub, a kiss for them turned into a make out session. Any grumblings earned a raised middle finger.

“Oh fucks you, likes you never saws worse dan dat,” Skwisgaar stated when Murderface grumbled something under his breath afterward. “What abouts my bort'day, ah? Sneakings up, lookings in de bedroom window. . .”

“Dood, we knocked at the door for _ages_ , but no one answered.”

“Because we were fuckings.”

“It wasch raining! You expected usch to juscht schtand there and wait for you to finisch?”

“Ams a betters idea dan ruinings my forst bort'day sex!”

Residual embarrassment for their friends to see his bare ass and balls brought a hand to Toki's face. Descent into such an argument, given its content, neatly contrasted who they'd all been a couple Aprils ago. New parents in the room, a new year and recording contract to look forward to, and a growing web of lovers and friends didn't much resemble the five cranky men that once flooded this hot tub every night with intent to drink themselves into a stupor.

Then again, as Skwisgaar vehemently defended his right to get laid peacefully on such an important day while everyone else rolled their eyes and Toki quietly spectated, some things simply weren't _ever_ meant to change. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. . .this is it! Thanks to everyone for reading, and who supported/beta-read this beast.
> 
> Now to disappear back into obscurity while I work on my next big work. :3


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